Recently in Oscars 2006 Category

"Crash" won Best Picture. And I lost my office pool.

A little rehearsed, a little long. I'm docking points for the twang and the reference to Tennessee. But Reese Witherspoon's left eyebrow twitched so nervously throughout her Best Actress acceptance speech that she won me over. I'm going to say that she was the most earnest winner since Sally Field.

This is just a conspiracy theory. But it seems as though there is an agenda tonight -- to fool women into gussying up as ’80s-era whores.

Hear me out. There was the performance of “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp,‿ obviously. But we saw the exact same look in two commercials: for Tab energy drink, and on a very garish Beyonce for L’Oreal’s HIP High Intensity Pigments.

Good thing I held onto my electric blue mascara from junior high, and all that Spandex.

When the dancing hookers weren't distracting me, I'm pretty sure I heard some naughty words slip through the ABC censors. Is the "s" word OK now? That's progress, right? And then, if I'm not mistaken, presenter Queen Latifah used the "f" word before clapping her hand to her mouth. And THEN Three 6 Mafia was bleeped during their acceptance speech. What word could be left? Is there a "q" word?

I want to hate Meryl Streep on principle -- frankly, she's a role hog; give someone else a chance! -- but she was absolutely charming while she was ad-libbing with Lily Tomlin.

Maybe that's why auteurs love to work with her (and not, say, Ben Stiller?).

OK, it's getting late, and I'm groggy from the Chinese food, but I'm having an awful lot of trouble keeping track of what all these montages are for.

Richard Roeper sent along this photo with the caption: "Jennifer Aniston, thrilled to be on the red carpet." And I saw her roll her eyes after her pre-ceremony interview with Chris Connelly.

Vince Vaughn is going to have to work a little harder.

Listening to the music play over the minor award-winner speeches is getting to me. LET THEM TALK!

For a rough-and-tumble guy, Russell Crowe has an awfully precious “Superman‿ curl on his forehead.

Morgan Freeman, voiceover-artist extraordinaire, flubbed his intro onstage. Maybe his snappy ascot got him all choked up?

Jack Nicholson’s daughter is definitely a future Miss Golden Globe.

I think Nicole Kidman walked the red carpet without a date, but Keith Urban was sitting next to her in the audience. They appear to have matching hair blowouts, too.

The only celeb who blew off the photogs and the press was Joaquin Phoenix. He just raced into the Kodak Theater and ignored everyone who called his name. Everybody else posed and posed and posed...

Also: After I arrived at my hotel Thursday, I went to the bar at the hotel next to the Kodak Theater for a quick Amstel Light. At the table next to me: three guys in giant pants and baseball caps. Nobody noticed or bothered them.
Yes, it's true: I saw Three 6 Mafia before they were "Oscar-winning artists Three 6 Mafia."

I’m not sure who Matt Dillon brought as his date, but I’m disappointed it wasn’t his brother. Kevin Dillon’s character on HBO’s “Entourage,‿ Johnny Drama, would never let this opportunity pass.

I like to say that George Clooney is the new Cary Grant, and nobody agrees with me, but you all have to have fallen in love with him tonight. I still had tears in my eyes, laughing from the shtick with Jon Stewart…

*William Hurt says he has a "thing" about jet black, so he wore navy blue. I could listen to him and the wiggy Gary Busey all night.

*Jessica Alba is the most beautiful person in the world, and yet the last movie of hers that I loved was "Never Been Kissed." I believe she dressed up as Disco Barbie.

My editor asks:

"Is there some kind of shrubbery grove to separate Isaac [Mizrahi] from the glitterati?"

Investigating...

UPDATE: We think we have identified some protective azaleas.

Best Actress nominee Amy Adams showed up in a brown showgirl-y gown that she attributed to Carolina Herrera. I was under the impression that Herrera still had a handshake agreement with Renee Zellweger not to outfit any other actresses at major events. Is it OK because Zellweger's not attending? Or is she attending, and we're in for a couture clash? Cat! Fight! Cat! Fight!

Naomi Watts showed up for an interview with Ryan Seacrest in E!'s odd little lounge, dressed in a gown that had obviously been in a shipwreck. At one point, you could see her look off camera and nod to her publicist, then announce she had something to say about how she got there.

It was in a Lexus hybrid.

How hard up can she be? She could have been nominated for "King Kong," and instead she's shilling for the local dealership? She couldn't afford to just lease it herself?

I'm going to hope for a drug problem. That's the only thing that could explain all this.