Speech therapy
I’m hoping for at least a few surprises at the podium this year – and please, God, don’t let Reese Witherspoon say “y’all‿ or remind us that she’s “just a little girl from Nashville.‿
Speaking of God, do you think he’ll get his propers from any of the winners?
I find it patronizing when the stars thank “the fans.‿ It’s not a very big step up from being lumped in with “all the little people.‿ Don’t you know, Charlize, that I am your No. 1 fan? That I am your best friend? Your agent doesn’t care about you! I do!
Other winners get just about as overexcited, and downright promiscuous in their thanks. Julia Roberts thanked “everyone I’ve ever met in my life,‿ Roberto Benigni announced his intention to “make love to everybody,‿ and the exuberant Cuba Gooding Jr. shouted, “Everybody, I love you. I love you all!‿
Since Cuba’s career has taken him from “Jerry Maguire‿ to “Pearl Harbor‿ to “Rat Race‿ to “Boat Trip,‿ let’s assume that he's feeling a little less love these days.
We’ll be on the watch for the following phrases:
“my rock‿
“my everything‿
"I know I'm forgetting somebody...."
“I’m not done yet!‿
And every time somebody thanks their publicist before their family, I plan to chug my Hawaiian Punch.
I've never been a Jane Wyman fan -- I can't get past the baby bangs -- but at least she kept it short when she won the Oscar for 1948's "Johnny Belinda," in which she played a mute. "I accept this very gratefully for keeping my mouth shut for once," she said. "I think I'll do it again."
Maybe with some hair extensions, she and I could have been friends.
P.S. Visit the Oscars Acceptance Speech Generator for a mild kick.
