March 2006 Archives

"Crash" won Best Picture. And I lost my office pool.

A little rehearsed, a little long. I'm docking points for the twang and the reference to Tennessee. But Reese Witherspoon's left eyebrow twitched so nervously throughout her Best Actress acceptance speech that she won me over. I'm going to say that she was the most earnest winner since Sally Field.

This is just a conspiracy theory. But it seems as though there is an agenda tonight -- to fool women into gussying up as ’80s-era whores.

Hear me out. There was the performance of “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp,‿ obviously. But we saw the exact same look in two commercials: for Tab energy drink, and on a very garish Beyonce for L’Oreal’s HIP High Intensity Pigments.

Good thing I held onto my electric blue mascara from junior high, and all that Spandex.

When the dancing hookers weren't distracting me, I'm pretty sure I heard some naughty words slip through the ABC censors. Is the "s" word OK now? That's progress, right? And then, if I'm not mistaken, presenter Queen Latifah used the "f" word before clapping her hand to her mouth. And THEN Three 6 Mafia was bleeped during their acceptance speech. What word could be left? Is there a "q" word?

I want to hate Meryl Streep on principle -- frankly, she's a role hog; give someone else a chance! -- but she was absolutely charming while she was ad-libbing with Lily Tomlin.

Maybe that's why auteurs love to work with her (and not, say, Ben Stiller?).

OK, it's getting late, and I'm groggy from the Chinese food, but I'm having an awful lot of trouble keeping track of what all these montages are for.

Richard Roeper sent along this photo with the caption: "Jennifer Aniston, thrilled to be on the red carpet." And I saw her roll her eyes after her pre-ceremony interview with Chris Connelly.

Vince Vaughn is going to have to work a little harder.

Listening to the music play over the minor award-winner speeches is getting to me. LET THEM TALK!

For a rough-and-tumble guy, Russell Crowe has an awfully precious “Superman‿ curl on his forehead.

Morgan Freeman, voiceover-artist extraordinaire, flubbed his intro onstage. Maybe his snappy ascot got him all choked up?

Jack Nicholson’s daughter is definitely a future Miss Golden Globe.

I think Nicole Kidman walked the red carpet without a date, but Keith Urban was sitting next to her in the audience. They appear to have matching hair blowouts, too.

The only celeb who blew off the photogs and the press was Joaquin Phoenix. He just raced into the Kodak Theater and ignored everyone who called his name. Everybody else posed and posed and posed...

Also: After I arrived at my hotel Thursday, I went to the bar at the hotel next to the Kodak Theater for a quick Amstel Light. At the table next to me: three guys in giant pants and baseball caps. Nobody noticed or bothered them.
Yes, it's true: I saw Three 6 Mafia before they were "Oscar-winning artists Three 6 Mafia."

I’m not sure who Matt Dillon brought as his date, but I’m disappointed it wasn’t his brother. Kevin Dillon’s character on HBO’s “Entourage,‿ Johnny Drama, would never let this opportunity pass.

I like to say that George Clooney is the new Cary Grant, and nobody agrees with me, but you all have to have fallen in love with him tonight. I still had tears in my eyes, laughing from the shtick with Jon Stewart…

*William Hurt says he has a "thing" about jet black, so he wore navy blue. I could listen to him and the wiggy Gary Busey all night.

*Jessica Alba is the most beautiful person in the world, and yet the last movie of hers that I loved was "Never Been Kissed." I believe she dressed up as Disco Barbie.

My editor asks:

"Is there some kind of shrubbery grove to separate Isaac [Mizrahi] from the glitterati?"

Investigating...

UPDATE: We think we have identified some protective azaleas.

Best Actress nominee Amy Adams showed up in a brown showgirl-y gown that she attributed to Carolina Herrera. I was under the impression that Herrera still had a handshake agreement with Renee Zellweger not to outfit any other actresses at major events. Is it OK because Zellweger's not attending? Or is she attending, and we're in for a couture clash? Cat! Fight! Cat! Fight!

Naomi Watts showed up for an interview with Ryan Seacrest in E!'s odd little lounge, dressed in a gown that had obviously been in a shipwreck. At one point, you could see her look off camera and nod to her publicist, then announce she had something to say about how she got there.

It was in a Lexus hybrid.

How hard up can she be? She could have been nominated for "King Kong," and instead she's shilling for the local dealership? She couldn't afford to just lease it herself?

I'm going to hope for a drug problem. That's the only thing that could explain all this.

Traditionally, the first faces on the crimson carpet are the ones most in need of exposure. Richard Roeper mentioned Sally Kirkland; God bless her, every year she shows up first and then must wait in her seat for hours for the ceremony to begin. You know she's got power bars in that satin clutch.

I think I'm already oversaturated. I can now definitively answer the question: Is there any such thing as too much pre-Oscar coverage?

(Um, yes.)

Here's what it's like on Oscar morning. Many many hours before the first recognizable person will walk down the red carpet--it's usually Sally Kirkland or Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Borgnine if they're both still alive--the streets around the Kodak Theater are closed off by concrete barricades, metal fences, security personnel, etc. You'd think the pope was on his way later today, but it's only the Gyllenhaals.

1:01 p.m. As part of their countdown to the Oscars, the E! Channel just interviewed Ryan Seacrest's personal assistant.

The New York Post's Page Six says that Time magazine says that Mel Gibson says that he'll appear tonight on the Oscars in a taped message. Speaking Maya.

8 a.m. Two water pills, one Xanax. I’M SO NERVOUS!

The Associated Press reports that it is actually a “secret shade of cayenne,‿ more burgundy than red.

Wouldn’t “cayenne carpet‿ sound better? Or even “claret carpet‿? If alliteration isn’t your thing, it seems as though “vermillion‿ is a more regal-sounding adjective for the mother of all carpet remnants. Joan Rivers calls it “Nancy Reagan red.‿

As long as there’s no official ruling on this, I’m going to name it after my favorite nail polish color: “Bus Stop Crimson.‿ I’m not sure what it means, but it has attitude, doesn’t it?

More trivia:

A colleague passed along yet another celebrity-centric magazine for my gawking pleasure, Hollywood Life.

(Digression: It’s the kind of magazine that’s so in-the-know that they use the name “Taryn‿ on the cover without bothering with a last name. My best guesses: They were either referring to character actress Taryn Manning, who plays tarts in everything from “Crossroads‿ to “Hustle & Flow,‿ or comfortable shoemaker Taryn Rose.)

Inside, I found the dishiest story on the dirty tricks that go on as designers clamor to dress the Oscar nominees.

I’m hoping for at least a few surprises at the podium this year – and please, God, don’t let Reese Witherspoon say “y’all‿ or remind us that she’s “just a little girl from Nashville.‿

Speaking of God, do you think he’ll get his propers from any of the winners?

I find it patronizing when the stars thank “the fans.‿ It’s not a very big step up from being lumped in with “all the little people.‿ Don’t you know, Charlize, that I am your No. 1 fan? That I am your best friend? Your agent doesn’t care about you! I do!

Other winners get just about as overexcited, and downright promiscuous in their thanks. Julia Roberts thanked “everyone I’ve ever met in my life,‿ Roberto Benigni announced his intention to “make love to everybody,‿ and the exuberant Cuba Gooding Jr. shouted, “Everybody, I love you. I love you all!‿

Since Cuba’s career has taken him from “Jerry Maguire‿ to “Pearl Harbor‿ to “Rat Race‿ to “Boat Trip,‿ let’s assume that he's feeling a little less love these days.

We’ll be on the watch for the following phrases:

First of all, I’d like a little credit for my sly, gratuitous reference to the Al Franken vehicle “Stuart Saves His Family.‿ Am I the only one who feels tenderly about that movie?

I love the idea of Jon Stewart hosting the Oscars, if only because he was miscast as a cad engaged to a former Hooters girl who foists his illegitimate child off on Adam Sandler in “Big Daddy‿ -- and it was a pretty convincing performance.

At least we know he won’t be sitting in judgment on anybody.

But I am worried that he’ll get all political on us. I’m even less informed about politics than I am about the nominated movies this year. Will someone please stand by to explain the jokes to me?

Did you skip your office pool this year? Hey, I'm with you -- I just blew $5 on a ballot where I voted for "King Kong" because I felt sorry for him. But it costs you nothing to show off your Academy acumen by voting for the winners here.

I’m giggling like a prepubescent boy that “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp‿ has been nominated for Best Song, because, you know, it’s got dirty words in it.

Here’s the official Academy stance on the subject: The “f‿ word is out, but “bitches‿ is OK. Three 6 Mafia, who wrote the song and will be performing it Sunday night, have been asked to substitute some of the more offensive words. “As long as the Academy approves it, it’s cool,‿ the group’s Jordan “Juicy J‿ Houston told Reuters.

Take that, bitches!

It’s hard to imagine that a few word changes will make this ditty palatable for family audiences, and I haven’t heard what they plan to do about the “n‿ word. Have you ever heard a more “ho‿-happy song? This will be the first rap performance at the Oscars – Eminem’s “Lose Yourself‿ was nominated in 2003 for “8 Mile,‿ but it wasn’t performed. Just in case, there will be a 5-second delay during the telecast.

But why just passively listen? Here are the song’s lyrics, for your crooning pleasure:

Let’s be honest: Us magazine is the only required reading before the Oscars. My favorite feature of theirs was “Oscar Stars’ Embarrassing Pasts: Cheesy TV! Acting with animals! These nominees took the long way to their big nods.‿

The photo of Charlize Theron gazing tenderly into an ape’s eyes was more than worth the cover price.

We like our winners to pay their dues, don’t we? That’s why I have such a problem with the Best Supporting Actress category. Mira Sorvino, Marisa Tomei, Anna Paquin, I’m talking to you: Let’s see a few more guest shots on “Law & Order: SVU‿ before you get all grabby with that trophy.

Here are the humble beginnings Us dug up on the nominees:

And the female nominees are already starving themselves.

Next stop: the plastic surgeon’s, for some refreshing Restylane.

In case you didn’t clip and save a handy list of nominees in major categories, here they are, courtesy of Oscar.com. (I’ll post the names of the winners, too, if I don’t get too caught up in the excitement.)