Yes, it's Jake, Jake of the endless flying metaphors, Jake of the weeping-on-a-hotel-balcony trend.
People magazine reports: "He likes scuba diving and snow skiing," dad Jim says. Adds Jake, "I fly on the weekends, play golf, go to a movie, but I'm not a couch potato. That's the one thing I have to make these girls understand -- I have a lot of energy. I love salsa dancing. Country dancing on a Thursday night in Dallas is really fun, too. I enjoy working with my hands, creating or building something, landscaping and doing garden work. Even if [a woman] didn't enjoy doing the things that I do, I would want her to be a part of them because I love them so much."
His mom reiterates: "He likes a girl that is spontaneous," mom Sallie says. "The way he put it to me, he would like a girl that can work in the yard and then put on a pretty dress and go out to dinner."
Because there's nothing more spontaneous than pruning perennials.
I'm getting the message loud and clear: Jake is looking for a day laborer who cleans up well. I guess that means I'm out.
Will you be watching? And who would've been a better bachelor? Bear in mind, the Lamas family already has their own show.
Our love-hate relationship with the "Bachelor" franchise has taken another hit. Trophy fiancé Ed Swiderski has been sullied by allegations that he carried on with not one, but two Chicago women after he proposed to Jillian Harris on "The Bachelorette."
Whether or not Ed is guilty of love in the third degree, one thing is becoming clear: "The Bachelor's" ewww factor now outweighs its awww factor.
"I feel gross, used and completely violated," Lindsey Johnson confided to Us magazine in its upcoming issue, claiming that Ed slept with her eight days after the proposal. The cover story: "Bachelorette Betrayed!"
After a marathon conference call with Jillian, Ed, Kiptyn and Reid, we can finally tie up some of "The Bachelorette's" loose ends.
Q. Will Jillian and Ed live in Vancouver or Chicago? A. She will move into Ed's downtown apartment Sept. 1, and is working on getting a green card for work purposes.
Q. Where will the wedding be? A. Probably Canada.
Q. Are they open to getting married on TV? A. Probably not.
Q. Is Jillian sticking with her hot-dog-topping theory of men? A. Yes. In fact, she's working on a book about how to decide if a guy is a keeper or not based on whether he's a sauerkraut guy or a ketchup monger.
Q. What kind of hot dog topping does Ed prefer? A. "I am a mustard guy, a hundred percent," says Ed. (So is Jillian's dad.)
Q. Has Ed taken Jillian to his favorite Chicago karaoke bar, the Blue Frog? A. Not yet.
Q. When the time comes, what will Jillian sing? A. "Patsy Cline," says the country-music lover. (Ed is on record as [ital]not[unital] being a country fan.)
Q. What was Ed's reaction to the discussion of his temporary impotence? A. "I was a little stunned but I wasn't too upset, because I knew the outcome of the show," says Ed.
Q. What is Kiptyn's ab routine? A. "I just try and do something active every day and eat OK," he says.
Q. Was Reid trying to embarrass Jillian with the cut-short question about the fantasy suite? A. "I was going to ask who she had the most fun with in the fantasy suite," says Reid. "I stopped myself and thought that was an inappropriate question."
Q. Did Reid get a refund from the ring he bought for Jillian? A. "I was able to return the ring, yes," says Reid.
Last night's "After the Final Rose" special was one more chance to make 'em squirm -- and in that, it was a smashing success.
Reid Rosenthal got the biggest reaction. The fan favorite (but Jillian Harris's second-runner-up) faced her for the first time since she turned down his proposal. There were awkward pauses and closeups.
Reid said he wasn't comfortable asking the questions he had. "One of them was about the fantasy suite," he explained.
Jillian was visibly stunned.
But her reunion with fiancé Ed Swiderski? All squeals and kisses. The couple revealed that she would move in with Ed in downtown Chicago for the rest of the summer, and that they'd be getting married in the next year.
More important, we learned that Jillian likes Ed's "man-kini" shorts. And, oh yes: There are no problems in the bedroom.
Just finished a conference call with Jillian, God bless her. She could probably use a nice extended breakdown about now.
My mom: "Ask her how much she weighs. She's so tiny!"
I did not. But here were the highlights:
*OK, this is a shocker. Jillian has already downloaded Wes's lame song, "It Don't Come Easy." In fact, she's downloaded the whole CD. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS ANYONE ELSE TO DO THIS.
*She says she was only full-out drunk three times -- for the first rose ceremony, the second rose ceremony, and the snowmobiling date. But there was a lot of drinking, and she never got a day off. Her big hangover cure? "Coconut water. It's like drinking 10 Gatorades, with no sugar."
*Jillian's recommended toenail polishes: Revlon's Make Mine Mango ("Tanner really loved that color"), and My Chihuahua Bites by OPI.
*For her dream wedding, she would have red and white gingham tablecloths, the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, and her Aunt Becky's cabbage rolls.
*In trying to keep the guys straight, Jillian called Jesse "Josh." Twice.
*How did she feel about Ed's short shorts in Hawaii? "I loved 'em! Short shorts are huge in Europe right now. I thought they were very fashion-forward."
*Jillian talked to her parents after they met the final two, and asked them if she should be ready for an engagement. Her dad said, "Babe, you signed up for this, it doesn't mean you're walking down the aisle right then. A proposal in this case signifies I'm ready, I like you, I love you, I'm happy that we went from 0 to 60, let's start a life together, and a year from now see where things are, and get married."
*She clarifies the overnight visit with Ed: She says it was sweltering hot, and talking awkardly about his ex-girlfriends. "I think he was ready to throw up," she said. And that sexy oil-rubbing scene? She said it was just aloe vera, because they were burnt to the point of blistering. "We both passed out, and in the morning, I was very stressed out that we hadn't used our time to see if we had a physical connection."
*Her pick for the next Bachelor: Michael Stagliano, the breakdancing instructor, and his twin brother!
In general, Jillian made it sound like there's not necessarily a chosen guy, much less a proposal, at the end...
So what did we learn from last night's "The Bachelors Tell All" episode?
1. Chicago's Ed Swiderski, who's in the final two, is a good time. After footage of him, um, interpretive dancing in a hotel hallway, Jillian Harris declared, "Ed is the happiest, funniest drunk that I've ever met in my life." Later she gushed, "I love that Ed's a little bit of a nerd."
2. In the previews for next week's "emotional" conclusion, Reid was shown fondling a gold band. Host Chris Harrison teased, "Reid wasn't able to make it tonight due to a prior engagement."
3. Last season's sensitive-but-indecisive bachelor Jason Mesnick has inspired a new expression. "Pulling a Mesnick" is defined as "a grown man who leans over a hotel railing and cries."
There was much bashing of record-pushing, girlfriend-having Wes, who also must have had a prior engagement. But as for clues as to how next week's finale turns out? Not so much.
This is the point at which the Bachelorette should say something like, "I'm in love with a wonderful guy." Does she choose too-perfect Kiptyn? Workaholic Ed? Or late bloomer Reid?
All Jillian would give up was, "It all turned out good in the end."
Chicago's Ed Swiderski is one of the last two men standing on "The Bachelorette," but there have been "bumps in the road," as he puts it, to everlasting bliss with Jillian Harris.
Last night's episode was nothing short of a gaping pothole.
I don't know Wes's last name, and I don't want to, because then he will have gotten his publicity and he will have won. Texas should be ASHAMED of you, Wes. Good luck in Chihuahua, Mexico, where you are apparently worshipped as a god, and please don't ever set foot again in America, much less Canada, because you are OUT. I'm not sure if leading sweet Jillian Harris on is grounds for treason, but it should be.
Poor Jillian finally picked up on the body language -- ie, he sat as far away from her as possible, even though we know from Reid that she smells good -- and he smirked his way through the rose ceremony. "If it's me, you boys will know that I'll be back home, having lots of sex," he remarked to a visibly stunned Kiptyn.
After he was dismissed and sent home in the limo -- which was driving in circles, so as to get Wes's finest drunken commentary -- he opined that he was "the first guy ever on 'Tthe Bachelorette' to make it to the top four with a girlfriend." And then, sarcastically, "You know, I think it's going to take a long time for me to get back on my feet again...." He confessed, "My acting days are over." And we learned that both his Wes's dog and his band are waiting for him back home. "I'm cutting off the chains," he said.
Publicity stunt complete! And with style! Because so many of us are dying to buy a romantic single from THE SLIMIEST MAN ALIVE.
Jillian Harris (center), "The Bachelorette," with Wes (from left), Chicago's Ed (who returned to the show last night!), Reid and Kiptyn.(ABC)
First of all, I can't believe that Jillian had to travel to meet FIVE families, get drunk with them all, and make out with five guys. I'm sorry -- at some point, that's work. I love how much drinking goes on with these family visits. It is awkward, after all, and there's no primetime-approved way to administer morphine.
In the middle of it all, the rejected Jake flew to Austin -- I guess that's not such a big deal, considering he's an airline pilot, but I was impressed -- to reveal to Jillian that Wes has a girlfriend named Laurel. In the confrontation, each guy stuck to his story. And then Jake brooded. And cried. I was afraid he was going to jump off that balcony.
I do wish that they'd acknowledge the cameras more. Like Jake saying, "Why would I make this up?" and Wes could say, "To get more air time, duh."
At any rate, Jillian believed Wes, which the producers want us to believe is outrageous, because they are making him out to be an opportunistic, lying cheater who just wants to promote his upcoming album with his lame "It Ain't Easy" song, so he can dump Jillian and reap the rewards of international stardom with some surprisingly understanding bimbo named Laurel. OK, producers, you win. I hate Wes!
And THEN, in the middle of all this, Ed pops by Jillian's hotel room. (I love how she's just sitting on the couch, doing nothing, and then acts surprised when she hears the door knock. Doesn't she at least read People? I'd think that would be required reading for "Bachelorette" contestants.)
I know that Ed did not come back for me, but can I say how happy I was to see him? That is a quality man. I am not basing this just on how good-looking he is and because I've spoken to his mother on the phone, but also because he is tall and has a job.
Jillian makes him sweat it out until the rose ceremony, but does give him a rose, along with Wes, Kiptyn and neurotic Reid, who I hope gets a sitcom out of this. Wes actually left a trail of slime as he walked up to get his rose.
Jesse the winemaker was out, although I loved his grizzly-bear brother, who reminded me of the bearded idiot savant from "The Hangover." (I have difficulty with his last name.)
It was VERY hard for me to say goodbye to Michael. So adorable, so funny, so well dressed, and I would think his dancing abilities would have some obvious benefits. Yes, he's young, so I hope he's reaping the rewards of "Bachelorette" stardom with understanding bimbos right now. Share with your brother, Michael!
I've got to root for Ed now. Is there anyone out there to defend Wes?
Chicago's Ed Swiderski broke Jillian Harris's heart -- at least a little -- when he told her on "The Bachelorette" Monday that he had to leave the show to get back to his job.
"I realize I'm letting you down," Ed told a tearful Jillian. "I feel like I would be letting five or six people down if I didn't leave." The technology consultant and professed workaholic had recently taken a new position -- with Microsoft, the Sun-Times has learned.
I tried to watch without taking notes, but there was just so much I wanted to remember. In no particular order:
It will be difficult to live down the nickname "Hot Tub Harris."
The opening montage reintroducing Jillian as America's sweetheart was like a parody of itself. OK, I can see her agreeing to work out on camera. OK, maybe she knows she has to slowly rise out of the pool in a bikini for the camera. But NOWHERE in your contract does it say you have to wash a car in cutoffs and high heels, Jillian!
The guy who froze up. Jillian suggested maybe he faked it to be memorable - or maybe she was just saying that to make him feel better. If he did it as a stunt, do you think it was a smart move? And doesn't he look like a thin "The Rock"?
One guy actually said, "What do you say, you know, to an angel?"
If a guy makes the trip across the pond to be on your reality show, you pretty much are obligated to give him a rose. I am looking forward to Simon's subtitles, though.
Jillian's white dress - wearing that required a HIGH LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY. I saw no evidence of Spanx. And she just looked smashing. Too bad that the producers insisted on wetting down the driveway and sidewalks, though, because the train on her dress looked sopping.
Why is it that the title that says where the guys are from never matches where the guys say they're from?
The winemaker is always going to get a rose. I'm not superficial, but how can you not give him a rose?
Worst tie? It's a tie: between the white tie and the white paisley tie.
Bravo to Kiptyn for admitting he just likes ketchup on his hotdogs. Maybe he can't help it! We're not monsters! We have feelings too!
I wonder what my theme music would be. They played cowboy music for anyone from Texas or Nashville, and Juan got some sultry mandolin. (OK, I don't know that it was a mandolin.) Would I get a little blues instrumental, since I'm from Chicago?
Summary of 80 percent of the conversation:
"Are you excited?"
"Yes, I'm excited! Are you excited?"
If they did away with those "coming up" segments, they'd have time to include more actual footage, and we wouldn't get déjà vu so much.
Kyle inking a mustache on Jillian's finger. Worst move ever?
I could be wrong, but I don't think women really enjoy being lifted that much by strangers. Is it just me?
The breakdance-off? I am without words.
Please e-mail me if you are a man and you have ever thrown a woman a baseball and then said, "So you are a great catch." We should talk.
My money's on Chicago Ed, all the way. Was there anyone else in the room that just seemed ... normal? Unfortunately, I didn't see any of him in the previews. Sigh. I guess that's not the kind of guy who lasts long on a reality show. Loved that he brought up his mom.
The longer the show went on, the more Jillian reminded me of Rachel from "The Real World: San Francisco." Luckily, I didn't sense any Pucks in the bunch.
Tanner P, the foot guy. I'm torn between being entertained by him and being creeped out. I mean, we all have our things, right? I was sad that low arches are a deal-breaker, though. I would never have a chance with him. (For the record, he rated Jillian's feet "phenomenal.") Much more disturbing: Was he wearing a SHARKSKIN jacket?
While Jillian was deciding which bachelors would make the cut, I mused about the next big trend in real estate. "Love the granite counters, but does it have a deliberation room?"
My favorite tie: the light green polka dot.
The lawyer guy from New York didn't get a rose, and went a little far in insulting "the country." I'm assuming he means the suburbs on out? It was funny, though, when he said, "Maybe she doesn't like awesome guys."
Julien, the hunky restaurateur? Suspiciously perfect. Prediction: He will turn out to be a man-bot.
