"Handy Manny" (7:30 a.m., Disney): In the third season, we'll meet 10 more tools - about time needle nose pliers got some love - and the guest stars are lining up. Rosario Dawson will voice a marine biologist, Lance Bass returns as surfer dude Elliot, and Giada De Laurentiis will be a pizza parlor owner.
"Live by Request: John Fogerty" (8 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): You name it, he sings it.
"Godzilla" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): Svengoolie is your host for this three-hour, 1998 reptilian extravaganza. Watch for a scene in which Matthew Broderick rides in an elevator. The Muzak is "Danke Schein," which he famously lip-synced as Ferris Bueller.
"The Wanda Sykes Show" (10 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The "New Adventures of Old Christine" star wants to stay up late with you. Expect panel discussions, pre-taped skits, and plenty of talk about gay rights.
"Saturday Night Live" (10:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Taylor Swift hosts, and the mind reels at the possible cameos: Kanye West? Taylor Lautner? An angry Jonas brother?
SUNDAY
"Keeping Up With the Kardashians" (7 p.m., E!): If Khloe Kardashian went to all that trouble to marry Lamar Odom, the least we could do is watch the wedding.
"Bored to Death" (8:30 p.m., HBO): In the first season finale, Ted Danson, Jason Schwartzman and Zach Galifianakis prepare for a showdown with Oliver Platt and the GQ staff.
"Mad Men" (9 p.m., AMC): Creator Matthew Weiner didn't release any advance copies of the finale, and the JFK assassination was covered last week, so the suspense is killing me. Previews showed a meeting with Conrad Hilton - and he didn't look happy.
"SpongeBob SquarePants: Truth or Square" (7 p.m., Nickelodeon): For the show's 10th anniversary, we're treated to some fake flashbacks as SpongeBob, Squidward, Patrick and Mr. Krabbs are locked inside a freezer. Patchy the Pirate begs for appearances by Tina Fey, Will Ferrell, Pink, Robin Williams and Craig Ferguson.
"Numbers" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): The boys take on a cyber crime lord in tonight's episode. But they face a far greater threat in real life: CBS has cut the order for the sixth-season drama from 22 episodes to 16. Don't panic; the show is already airing in syndication on TNT.
"White Collar" (9 p.m., USA): "The Sopranos'" John Ventimiglia guest-stars as a mobsters who's missing his Bible, and "Rescue Me's" Callie Thorne plays - what else? - a femme fatale.
"General Hospital" (2 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): It's Sarah Brown's last day. She's jumping to "The Bold and the Beautiful" tomorrow - with an emphasis on the "bold."
"Survivor" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): The Foa Foa and Galu tribes merge. Anyone else rooting for mullet-haired Shambo, as in Rambo?
"Parks and Recreation" (7:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Megan Mullally, who is Nick Offerman's wife in real life, plays his ex-wife Tammy, a local librarian who has her eye on Leslie's vacant lot.
"Supernatural" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Irony alert! Sam and Dean are sucked into an alternate universe where they become characters in various TV shows. They look strangely at home in the Japanese game show.
"Real Housewives of Orange County" (9 p.m., Bravo): New season. Even the O.C. is hit by the wilting economy, and Gretchen mourns the death of her fiancé. Maybe Lynne's jewelry show will make it all better.
"Mercy" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara guest star.
"America's Next Top Model" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Erin Wagner of Spring Grove, Ill., is still in the running. This week, swimsuit model Marisa Miller demonstrates how to writhe about the sand in Hawaii.
"Johnny Mercer: The Dream's on Me" (7 p.m., TCM): Clint Eastwood executive-produced this documentary about the lyricist's life, with archival footage of his tunes sung by Ella Fitzgerald, Tony Bennett, Nat King Cole and Barbra Streisand.
"Flowers Uncut With Jeff Leatham" (9 p.m., TLC): If you think celebrities are difficult to work with, imagine trying to wrangle oodles of blooms before they wilt. The drama!
"Strange Sex" (9 p.m., Discovery Health): Four cases of sexual disorders are analyzed in this special. Let's leave it at that.
For the second season opener of "Tabatha's Salon Takeover," the celebrity hairstylist cut and ran for Chicago. A concerned -- and anonymous -- citizen had nominated the Orbit Salon, 3481 N. Clark, for rehabilitation, so Tabatha Coffey packed her all-black wardrobe and tough love for the trip.
She found a filthy, disorganized establishment, some sloppy habits, and a staff with no direction. "It was a really emotional episode for me, and it was a really emotional episode for everyone else," says Tabatha.
Seven months later, we checked in with the Orbit stylists to find out how the salon is doing now -- and what really happened during filming.
"90210" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): The CW takes a stab at street cred with guest stars Pharrell and Samantha Ronson.
"V" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The aliens come in peace. What a relief.
"The Biggest Loser" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Field trip to Washington, D.C., complete with a weigh-in at the Lincoln Memorial. Talk about pressure.
"Secret Celebrity" (7 p.m., E!): Nick Lachey and Kim Kardashian -- E! describes them as "Hollywood heavyweights" -- disguise themselves with prosthetics to find out what people really think of them. I'll let them in on a secret: Most people don't think of them at all.
"Kathy Griffin: Balls of Steel" (8 p.m., Bravo): The comeditrix has no mercy, potentially hurting the feelings of the Gosselins, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus and Barbara Walters.
"The Good Wife" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Conjugal visit with Mr. Big!
"Kate: Her Story" (8 p.m., TLC): An interview with Natalie Morales. Because too much Gosselin is never enough.
"Gossip Girl" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Jimmy Fallon plays himself, interviewing Dan's actress girlfriend (guest star Hilary Duff). Even better, Blair tries to make Serena jealous by BFFing a new "it" girl.
"For the Love of Ray J 2" (8 p.m., VH1): You loved him in the Kim Kardashian sex tape. Now watch him exploit 19 more women.
"I Want to Work for Diddy 2" (9 p.m., VH1): He always has an opening for his Personal Umbrella Holder position.
"American Experience: Civilian Conservation Corps" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): A special about FDR's Depression-era program that created jobs and helped restore the nation's natural resources. Fittingly, you'll have plenty of time to watch it if you don't have a job.
"The Heart of Hollywood: Chicago in LA" (6 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Chicago's Brenda Sexton produced this special about Chicago talent gone west, featuring Harold Ramis, Bonnie Hunt, Joe Mantegna, Jeremy Pivena and more. The Sun-Times's Bill Zwecker and Richard Roeper also make appearances.
"Ghost Hunters Halloween Live" (6 p.m., SyFy): Get your ghoul on as Josh Gates teams with the Ghost Hunters Academy recruits to invade the creepy Essex County Hospital in Cedar Grove, N.J. Keep an eye out for satanic dark energy in Building Five.
"Bram Stoker's Dracula" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): Svengoolie is your guide to the 1992 Francis Ford Coppola film that contributed to Winona Ryder's (first) breakdown. Keanu Reeves' English accent has to be heard to be believed, and watch for Sadie Frost -- Jude Law's first wife -- as a writhing victim.
"Saturday Night Live" (10:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Taylor Swift hosts, and if Kanye West doesn't have the sense of humor to make a cameo, we will be mad at him all over again.
SUNDAY
"Sonny With a Chance" (7 p.m., Disney): Comedy Central's resident ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham, guest stars as a security guard -- along with his dummy Walter.
"Masterpiece Contemporary: Place of Execution" (8 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Juliet Stevenson stars as a TV journalist who investigates the disappearance of a 13-year-old girl 45 years earlier. Unsolicited advice: Rent her romance with Alan Rickman, 1990's "Truly Madly Deeply."
"Styl'd" (9 p.m., MTV): Four wannabe stylists accessorize and backstab for a shot at success under the judgmental eye of celebrity dresser Jennifer Rade. Because what we really need is more people to hate.
"The View" (10 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): Costumes! Maybe Whoopi will recycle that Queen Elizabeth costume she wore hosting the Oscars. It's the green thing to do. Also dressing up for daytime: "The Price Is Right" (10 a.m. on WBBM-Channel 2), "The Martha Stewart Show" (11 a.m. on WMAQ-Channel 5), "The Price Is Right," and Tyra Banks is reportedly going as Kim Kardashian this year.
"Ghost Adventures Live" (7 p.m.-2 p.m., Travel): The crew -- Zak Bagans, Nick Groff and Aaron Goodwin -- will lock themselves in West Virginia's Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum, which is particularly haunted. For seven hours, live, they'll investigate any paranormal activity.
"The Perfect Storm" (7 p.m., The Weather Channel): The first movie to ever air on The Weather Channel! 1996's "Twister" must be jealous.
'The League'
Two and a half stars
9:30 p.m. Thursday on FX
Have you been despondent since 2003's "Old School" came out, longing for the kind of aging frat boy humor that will make you snort beer out your nose?
Well, this buddy sitcom's for you.
It's supposed to be set in Chicago, although the actors are suspiciously trim, their wives uniformly hot. A group of guys who've known each other for 15 years bond over their shared obsession with fantasy football, even if it means negotiating draft picks at their kids' birthday parties.
The dialogue is entirely composed of trash talk, and as far as that goes, it's pretty creative. If you approach it from an anthropological angle, you'll appreciate learning that two guys who've had sex with the same woman are called "Eskimo brothers." "You have to know what your Eskimo family tree is, that's how things get done," explains a gentleman named Taco.
Standouts in the cast include bespectacled Nick Kroll ("I Love You, Man") and the orthodontically challenged Paul Scheer -- you'll recognize him from "30 Rock," and as the "Kaboom!" guy from "Parks and Recreation."
Maybe you've matured to the point that jokes about porn, pedophilia, dogs with Down Syndrome, Robert Blake and magic aren't funny to you. Me, I laughed. But I'm not proud.
"Monsters vs. Aliens: Mutant Pumpkins From Outer Space" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): I guess that puts them in the "aliens" category. With the voices from the original movie: Seth Rogen, Reese Witherspoon and Kiefer Sutherland.
"It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): If you have a fraction of the Halloween spirit that Linus has, you will watch it again, even in abbreviated half-hour form.
"Friday Night Lights" (8 p.m., DirecTV): Subscribers get to enjoy the fourth season without the indignity of commercials. The rest of us will have to wait until early 2010 to see it on NBC.
"Mythbusters" (8 p.m., Discovery): The question: Is cheese suitable cannon fodder?
"South Park" (9 p.m., Comedy Central): Stan is determined to save the dolphins. WARNING: Includes the mass slaughter of aquatic mammals.
"The Bold and the Beautiful" (12:30 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Chicago's Jeff Schroeder, who found love on "Big Brother 11" with Jordan Lloyd, gets a cameo with his sweetheart in a flashback scene.
"It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): With a bonus cartoon, in which Linus runs for class presdent.
"Monica: Still Standing" (9 p.m., BET): The R&B singer, who sang "The Boy Is Mine" with Brandy, gets her own reality series about recording a new album and raising two little boys. Could be interesting; she used to date someone called "C-Murder."
"2009 Scream Awards" (9 p.m., Spike): With appearances by Quentin Tarantino, Megan Fox and Hugh Jackman.
"Secret Lives of Women" (9 p.m., WE): Revisiting the Drew Peterson case. It's been too long.
"Dancing With the Stars" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Finally, the words you've been dying to hear: Group mambo!
"Jon & Kate Plus 8" (8 p.m., TLC): Kate beats this dead horse one more time, answering viewers' questions. Then, presumably, the show will be over and everyone will have more time for family therapy.
"Real Chance of Love 2" (8 p.m., VH1): Season finale. The stallionaires are down to five lovelies: Doll, Pocahontas, Sassy, Mamacita and Hot Wings. No, I don't know how Hot Wings got her name.
"American Experience" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): It could be worse. Really. Watch this special on the stock market crash of 1929.
"Cake Boss" (9 p.m., TLC): The new season begins with a cake shaped like an engagement ring box.
"Top 20 Most Shocking" (7 p.m., truTV): The theme for these videos is "Worst Days on the Job," including the day a raging flood wiped out an entire office.
"Ghost Town" (8 p.m., SyFy): Remember the internet's "lonelygirl15"? Her real name is Jessica Rose, and she stars in this TV movie about a busload of college students who take a wrong turn.
"When We Were Beautiful" (8 p.m., Showtime): This rockumentary follows Bon Jovi on their 2008 concert tour and behind the scenes.
"The Things With Two Heads" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): How can you not love Svengoolie? This weekend he brings you this 1972 gem about Ray Milland and Rosey Grier sharing a body.
"Saturday Night Live" (10:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): A rerun of the Megan Fox show. A must-watch if you missed new castmember Jenny Slate flubbing with the "f" word, but I'm guessing they'll edit that out this time.
SUNDAY
"Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Choo Choo Express" (6 p.m., Disney Channel): Mickey imports some snow from Mistletoe Mountain in this new Christmas special. You heard that right - Christmas special.
"5000 Miles From Home" (6 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Bob Sirott narrates the stories of Italian-American WWII veterans from the Chicago area.
"Desperate Housewives" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Catfight alert! Teri Hatcher and Dana Delany get into it.
"My Antonio" (9 p.m., VH1): In the finale, will Antonio Sabato Jr. choose nurse Brooke or makeup artist Miranda for everlasting love?
"Arrested Development" (9 p.m., Independent Film Channel): A movie is rumored to be in the works for the genius series that gave us Will Arnet and Michael Cera. For now, enjoy reruns.
The print ads for "White Collar" don't do star Matthew Bomer justice. He's got light-saber-blue eyes that glow with something intense. Hyper-intelligence? Adventure-lust? Pure bad-boyness? Whatever it is, he's having a heck of a good time in "White Collar."
Like in the movie "Catch Me If You Can," Bomer's character is a master counterfeiter who gives the FBI a run for its (fake) money, and then gets hired by them to help catch other con men.
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