"Pirates of the Caribbean" marathon (Noon, USA): Personally, I can't get enough of Johnny Depp acting effeminate.
"Magnificent Mile Lights Festival" (6 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Janet Davies, Hosea Sanders, Alan Krashesky and Deborah Roberts host.
"How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (7 p.m., TBS): How did he do it, again?
"Strait-Jacket" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): Joan Crawford alert! Svengoolie brings you the tender story of an ax-murderess trying to mend ties with her daughter. Look for 23-year-old Lee Majors' first acting role, as well as plenty of Pepsi product placement.
"Saturday Night Live" (10:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who grew up on "Third Rock From the Sun," has the plum comedic opportunity to be following Worst Host Ever January Jones.
SUNDAY
"2009 American Music Awards" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): With a live telecast, whom will Eminem humiliate? Will a hologram accept Michael Jackson's awards? Will Fergie dump her husband in onstage in a speech?
"The Cleveland Show" (7:30 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Daryl Hall and John Oates make voice cameos.
"Cold Case" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): It switches time slots with "Three Rivers," which now airs at 9 p.m. I have no idea what this means, but it has an air of desperation.
"The Next Iron Chef" (8 p.m., Food): Finally, the winner makes the last cut.
"Bill Engvall: Aged and Confused" (8 p.m., Comedy): The family comic, now an empty nester, gripes about his pet peeves.
"The Haunted" (9 p.m., Animal Planet): Apparently, pets are subject to the paranormal, too. In the first episode, candle-shop owners are freaked out by disembodied monkey screeches.
"General Hospital" (2 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): James Franco, of "Pineapple Express" and "Spiderman 3" fame, stretches himself by mastering the suspenseful pause of soap opera acting. In a two-month stint, he'll play a graffiti artist known as Franco. You can also see him self-deprecate at funnyordie.com.
"Diet Tribe" (7 p.m., Lifetime): The season two finale for this girly "Biggest Loser" knockoff.
"Monk" (8 p.m., USA): Tony Shalhoub's real-life wife, Brooke Adams - you loved her as Pagan in the miniseries "Lace" - guest stars.
"Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau" (8 p.m., CMT): That's a lot of title to live up to, but one thing makes me think he can pull it off: special guest Tony Orlando!
"Forensic Files" (9 p.m., truTV): The case of a missing University of Illinois science major.
"Good Morning America" (7 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): Chaz Bono gives his first live interview after undergoing gender reassignment in June.
"Top 20 Celebrities Gone Good" (7 p.m., VH1): It would be tough to knock Angelina Jolie off her pedestal at this point, but Bono, Shakira and Lance Armstrong want to try.
"Community" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Tonight's episode features the comedic genius of Ken Jeong as Senor Chang. Also, I've learned that Danny Pudi, who plays the eerie Abed, is from Chicago. This is a no-lose situation.
"Terror in Mumbai" (8 p.m., HBO): The victims - and the terrorists - involved in the 2008 attack describe the work of Lashkar-e-Taiba, or the "Army of the Righteous."
"Project Runway" (9 p.m., Lifetime): There's more vomit than usual involved in this season's finale, with finalist Carol Hannah battling a bug during New York's Fashion Week.
"The New Adventures of Old Christine" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Jennifer Grey guests as a blind date. (Not for Christine.)
"America's Next Top Model" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Will the winner be the awkwardly striking Nicole, or lovable hick Laura? Intriguingly, Eddie Murphy makes an appearance in the finale.
"Modern Family" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Edward Norton guest stars as Phil's favorite musician, and Elizabeth Banks plays a fun-loving friend.
"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Benson (Mariska Hargitay) is under investigation for killing a bike-gang member.
"In the Spotlight With Robin Roberts: Janet Jackson" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): She spills at her Malibu mansion.
"Nip/Tuck" (9 p.m., FX): The winners of Wednesday night's guest-starring wars: "Dancing With the Stars'" Gilles Marini and drop-dead gorgeous transgender Candis Cayne. Oh, and Vanessa Redgrave too.
"Merry Madagascar" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): The onslaught of holiday specials begins with this new animated story about an amnesiac Santa Claus (Carl Reiner). Other voices include Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer, Jada Pinkett Smith, Cedric the Entertainer and Andy Richter.
"The Good Wife" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Alicia is asked to testify on her husband's behalf at his appeal hearing. Is he going to get another face slap?
"Biggest Loser" (7:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Reality gurus Tim Gunn (fashion) and Tabatha Coffey (hair) give the contestants makeovers.
"Melrose Place" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Heather Locklear is back as Amanda Woodward, and if she can save this show again, she should be canonized.
"Sons of Anarchy" (9 p.m., FX): All the forces are aligned against Adam Arkin's evil Zobelle.
"Oprah Winfrey" (9 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): The daytime diva meets Republican rogue Sarah Palin, and we get to watch.
"Chef Academy" (10 p.m., Bravo): Jean Christophe Novelli - who was voted "World's Sexiest Chef" by the New York Times - chooses nine students after they cook eggs. Root for Chicago's Sarah Jacobsen, 29.
"American Experience: Surviving the Dust Bowl" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Liev Schreiber narrates the special about the eight-year drought of the '30s. Now stop complaining.
"Gossip Girl" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): How do you follow the threesome episode? With a private concert by Lady Gaga.
"Lie to Me" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The team investigates a fatal Black Friday stampede at a megastore. Happy holidays!
"CSI: Miami" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): The Lakers' Pau Gasol covers his bets by starting a backup guest starring career.
"Ann Rule's Everything She Ever Wanted" (7 p.m., Lifetime Movie): In Part I of this Southern saga, Gina Gershon makes her husband dress up like Rhett Butler for their wedding day - and that's just the first of her evil deeds.
"True Jackson VP" (7:30 p.m., Nickelodeon): Keke Palmer, the pride of Robbins, Ill., is back for a second season. Care Bears on Fire - who have the best band name of all time - perform.
"Princesses of the World" (8 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Some of us will be watching for tips.
"Flower Girl" (8 p.m., Hallmark): Perky Marla Sokoloff from "The Practice" plays a girl whose main ambition is to get married. Marion Ross is her grandmother, who's picked out a nice doctor for her.
"13 Ghosts" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): William Castle's 1960 horror film about a haunted house gets the Svengoolie treatment. Fun fact: It was originally filmed in "Illusion-O," which is like 3D, but different.
"Saturday Night Live" (10:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): "Mad Men's" glacial January Jones loosens up as host, and the Black Eyed Peas perform.
SUNDAY
"The Amazing Race 15" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Three words: Estonian mud volleyball.
"Extreme Makeover Home Edition" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): David Duchovny redeems himself as celebrity volunteer.
"The Prisoner" (7 p.m., AMC): For those of you bored with linear thinking, this remake of the '60s series features an anguished Jim Caviezel and an impish Ian McKellan.
"Three Rivers" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Mandy Patinkin plays a car crash victim who asks to be taken off life support so that he can donate his organs.
"People's Court" (1 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): Judge Wapner is welcomed back to the bench for his 90th birthday. Among his gifts: a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
"Medium" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): David Arquette directs sister Patricia in an episode about internet videos.
"Ugly Betty" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Jamie Lynn Sigler's guest role - as a support group pal of Daniel's - has taken a sinister turn. I love her in the goth look, though.
"Monk" (8 p.m., USA): Teri Polo and Carol Kane guest-star in a wedding-themed episode. Will Monk do the Chicken Dance?
"Ancients Behaving Badly" (8 p.m., History): A profile of Attila the Hun, of course. Fun fact: Some scholars believe he died of a nosebleed at his own wedding feast.
"The Tyra Show" (4 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): The daytime diva gives away 100,000 new winter coats to deserving kids, including some at John Hay Community Academy. She calls Chicago winters, "REALLY, REALLY cold, like next-level cold."
"Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" (4 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Grover, who has been "All About Eve'd" by Elmo, helps Jeff Foxworthy host.
"Grey's Anatomy" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): "24's" Kim Raver arrives at Seattle Grace as the new cardiothoracic surgeon - and a war buddy of Owen's. Joel Grey and Loretta Devine also make appearances, and Izzie's back!
"30 Rock" (8:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Broadway vet Cheyenne Jackson, who is almost painfully attractive, is introduced as "TGS's" new castmember.
"Project Runway" (9 p.m., Lifetime): Part one of the two-part season finale. I love when Tim Gunn makes road trips to the designers' hometowns.
"43rd Annual CMA Awards" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood host, with performers including Kenny Chesney, Dave Matthews, Brooks and Dunn, Taylor Swift, Kid Rock, Miranda Lambert and more. (It's a long show.)
"Criminal Minds" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Gavin Rossdale (the abtastic husband of Gwen Stefani) plays a Goth rock star whose tour is being stalked by a serial killer.
"Return to Duty" (8 p.m., MTV): Under the prestigious "Real World Presents" banner, cameras follow "The Real World: Brooklyn" castmember Ryan Conklin as he is recalled to Iraq.
"P.O.V." (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Three senior citizens who are part of the "Maine Troop Greeters" offer handshakes, cookies and free cell phones to soldiers at a Bangor, Maine, airport.
"Ghost Hunters Academy" (9 p.m., SyFy): Halloween may be over, but spirits never sleep. Steve and Tango train five aspiring ghost busters.
"Sesame Street" (10 a.m., WTTW-Channel 11): The furry show, now 40, boasts Michelle Obama for its season opener. If that doesn't grab you, maybe guest star Cameron Diaz will. No? How about some CGI segments with Bert and Ernie?
"In the Spotlight With Robin Roberts: Bright Lights, Big Stars, All Access Nashville" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): That's just a citified way of describing interviews with Martina McBride, Tim McGraw, Carrie Underwood, Rosanne Cash, Vince Gill and Loretta Lynn.
"Table for 12" (7 p.m., TLC): Gosselins? What Gosselins? The Hayes family returns with new episodes.
"Full Throttle Saloon" (9 p.m., truTV): Producers describe this biker bar reality series as "The Deadliest Catch" meets "Coyote Ugly" on steroids.
"Starz Inside Presents: Sex and the Cinema" (9 p.m., Starz): Host Richard Roeper shares screentime with "American Gigolo," "Lolita" and Jennifer Tilly.
"Gossip Girl" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): I'm not saying that they're desperate for ratings. But tonight's episode includes Leighton Meester's new single with Robin Thicke, and a ménage-a-trois with three major characters.
"Lincoln Heights" (8 p.m., ABC Family): In the fourth-season finale, Lizzie tries to save her school musical. Now that's a cause I can support.
"CSI: Miami" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Be warned, this is a commitment. Laurence Fishburne of the Las Vegas crime lab follows a severed leg to Florida. The storyline continues on "CSI: NY," and finishes up on "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation."
"Lopez Tonight" (10 p.m., TBS - and tonight only, also on truTV and TNT): The first episode of George Lopez's talk show includes Ellen Degeneres, Eva Longoria-Parker and Kobe Bryant. Also coming up: Jessica Alba, Charlie Sheen, Sandra Bullock and Jamie Foxx.
"Handy Manny" (7:30 a.m., Disney): In the third season, we'll meet 10 more tools - about time needle nose pliers got some love - and the guest stars are lining up. Rosario Dawson will voice a marine biologist, Lance Bass returns as surfer dude Elliot, and Giada De Laurentiis will be a pizza parlor owner.
"Live by Request: John Fogerty" (8 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): You name it, he sings it.
"Godzilla" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): Svengoolie is your host for this three-hour, 1998 reptilian extravaganza. Watch for a scene in which Matthew Broderick rides in an elevator. The Muzak is "Danke Schein," which he famously lip-synced as Ferris Bueller.
"The Wanda Sykes Show" (10 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The "New Adventures of Old Christine" star wants to stay up late with you. Expect panel discussions, pre-taped skits, and plenty of talk about gay rights.
"Saturday Night Live" (10:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Taylor Swift hosts, and the mind reels at the possible cameos: Kanye West? Taylor Lautner? An angry Jonas brother?
SUNDAY
"Keeping Up With the Kardashians" (7 p.m., E!): If Khloe Kardashian went to all that trouble to marry Lamar Odom, the least we could do is watch the wedding.
"Bored to Death" (8:30 p.m., HBO): In the first season finale, Ted Danson, Jason Schwartzman and Zach Galifianakis prepare for a showdown with Oliver Platt and the GQ staff.
"Mad Men" (9 p.m., AMC): Creator Matthew Weiner didn't release any advance copies of the finale, and the JFK assassination was covered last week, so the suspense is killing me. Previews showed a meeting with Conrad Hilton - and he didn't look happy.
"SpongeBob SquarePants: Truth or Square" (7 p.m., Nickelodeon): For the show's 10th anniversary, we're treated to some fake flashbacks as SpongeBob, Squidward, Patrick and Mr. Krabbs are locked inside a freezer. Patchy the Pirate begs for appearances by Tina Fey, Will Ferrell, Pink, Robin Williams and Craig Ferguson.
"Numbers" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): The boys take on a cyber crime lord in tonight's episode. But they face a far greater threat in real life: CBS has cut the order for the sixth-season drama from 22 episodes to 16. Don't panic; the show is already airing in syndication on TNT.
"White Collar" (9 p.m., USA): "The Sopranos'" John Ventimiglia guest-stars as a mobsters who's missing his Bible, and "Rescue Me's" Callie Thorne plays - what else? - a femme fatale.
"General Hospital" (2 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): It's Sarah Brown's last day. She's jumping to "The Bold and the Beautiful" tomorrow - with an emphasis on the "bold."
"Survivor" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): The Foa Foa and Galu tribes merge. Anyone else rooting for mullet-haired Shambo, as in Rambo?
"Parks and Recreation" (7:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Megan Mullally, who is Nick Offerman's wife in real life, plays his ex-wife Tammy, a local librarian who has her eye on Leslie's vacant lot.
"Supernatural" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Irony alert! Sam and Dean are sucked into an alternate universe where they become characters in various TV shows. They look strangely at home in the Japanese game show.
"Real Housewives of Orange County" (9 p.m., Bravo): New season. Even the O.C. is hit by the wilting economy, and Gretchen mourns the death of her fiancé. Maybe Lynne's jewelry show will make it all better.
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