Spoiler after the jump.

Spoiling after the jump...

"It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Don't miss Woodstock movin' on up from a nest to a fabulous new birdhouse.

"Accidentally on Purpose" (7:30 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Jenna Elfman shacks up on a new night.

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (9 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Talk about an embarrassment of riches: Jaclyn Smith and Ann-Margret guest star.

"In Plain Sight" (9 p.m., USA): The compulsively watchable Mary McCormack is back for season three, and searching for her would-be killer. New Kids on the Block's Donnie Wahlberg guest stars!

"Real World" (9 p.m., MTV): The 23rd season comes to a close as the D.C. roomies tearfully part.

"American Masters: I.M. Pei" (10:30 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): The architect returns to his family's hometown in China to design a museum.

Forget what you thought you knew about reality TV. Last night's "Dancing With the Stars" taught us that Kate Gosselin still has enough fans to keep her in the competition. I get a chill just looking at her, but at some point the competition turned into a metaphor for marriage, and despite Tony Dovolani walking out on her during practice, America decided to stick with Kate and try to work it out.

Soul and R&B night!

Usher rocking the ombre leather! Interesting. He must be a very confident man.

"Future Food" (7 p.m., Planet Green): Set in Chicago's Moto restaurant, chefs Homaro Cantu and Ben Roche attempt such feats as a seafood menu without seafood. Stay for a second new episode about recycled batter.

"V" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Those slithery aliens are back... although between "Lost" and "Flash Forward," my sci-fi plate is full.

"Frontline: The Quake" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): A report on the aftermath of the Haiti disaster.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent" (9 p.m., USA): Anybody see the episode of "Community" in which Abed accused Joel of "Goldblumming"? There'll be a lot more of it as Jeff Goldblum, Saffron Burrows and Eizabeth Mastrantonio take over for Vincent D'Onofrio, Kathryn Erbe and Eric Bogosian. Tonight is Part One.

"Justified" (9 p.m., FX): If you haven't given Timothy Olyphant a chance as a throwback hero, you should.

Martha Stewart marathon (10 a.m., Hallmark): To welcome her first-run episodes in the fall, Hallmark is "repurposing" reruns of "From Martha's Kitchen," "From Martha's Home" and "From Martha's Garden."

"Dancing With the Stars" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Don't miss the show that had the vision to bring together the gyrating Pam Anderson and the frozen Kate Gosselin. It's brilliant TV. My money's on the bootylicious Niecy Nash.

"10 Things I Hate About You" (7 p.m., ABC Family): A new episode for the "Taming of the Shrew" update, in which Kate sneaks into school to take a test. It's charming, whether you're the demographic or not.

"American Experience: Victory in the Pacific" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Complement HBO's "The Pacific" with this look at the final year of World War II's "embrace of death" between the U.S. and Japan.

SATURDAY

"Kids' Choice Awards" (7 p.m. on Nickelodeon): Kevin James - better known to you kiddies as Paul Blart - hosts, with performances by Rihanna and Justin Bieber. Bonus: Apolo Ohno will attempt a slime stunt. Also: First Lady Michelle Obama makes a special taped appearance. We're guessing her people advised against risking the green goo in person.

"Victorious" (8:30 p.m. on Nickelodeon): Teen Tori Vega (Victoria Justice) is accepted into a performing-arts high school, with hilarity ensuing. Warning: Tori Spelling can't be happy that someone's moving in on her pun territory.

"Offerings" (9 p.m. on WCIU-Channel 26): Wondering whether you should join Svengoolie in viewing this 1989 slasher? Some key words to help you decide: "teens," "cannibalism," "dismemberment" - and there's a character named Ben Dover.

SUNDAY

"Merlin" marathon (9 a.m., SyFy): Catch up on the slick fantasy series, with a young wizard (Colin Morgan) and a hunky Arthur (Bradley James). With Anthony Head from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

"Amish Grace" (7 p.m. on Lifetime Movie Network): Kimberly Williams-Paisley stars as a mother who struggles to forgive after a school shooting. Based on the 2006 tragedy in Nickel Mines, Pa.

"Masterpiece Classic: Sharpe's Challenge" (8 p.m. on WTTW-Channel 11): Sean Bean stars as the retired soldier who searches for an old pal who disappeared in India. Padma Lakshmi alert! She plays a maharaja's consort.

"America's Worst Driver" (9 p.m., Travel): Comedienne Sonya White competes against three other Chicago drivers to earn the title, with knee-driving, driving while dressing, and abuse of emergency lanes. The worst driver will see his or her car totaled, and go on to the finals in Los Angeles.

"Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution" (7 p.m. on WLS-Channel 7): Catch a repeat of last week's preview, and then settle in for a new episode of the British chef trying to make West Virginians healthy. Warning: there will be a "dramatic display" of fat.

"Who Do You Think You Are?" (7 p.m. on WMAQ-Channel 5): Matthew Broderick helps solve a 150-year-old mystery.

"Friday Night SmackDown!" (7 p.m. on WPWR-Channel 8): Get a sneak peek of WrestleMania XXVI, and cap it off with a 10-man tag-team match.

"Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars" (7 p.m. on Disney): I don't recall Harriet having a computer, but in this update the voyeur (Jennifer Stone) competes with her archrival (Vanessa Morgan) to become the official blogger of her high school class.

"Top Yam: The Louisiana Yambilee Queen Pageant" (9 p.m. on TLC): Nothing says "beauty" like a sweet-potato-themed pageant.

SPOILER after the jump...

I know that musicians should pay their dues, but the start of results night is just brutal. When will the hazing stop? First they made the contestants perform a cover of "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go," with Crystal Bowersox front and center. I hope she's got some tequila backstage. Could we at least rule out in the future any bands that have extraneous exclamation points in their name?

And then the car ad. Selling out has never been so cheesy. Did they really sign a contract agreeing to jump into a fountain of colorful balls?

Spoilers tonight after the jump...

Lee DeWyze is up first, with the Box Tops' "The Letter." It's hard to say how well he's singing, because I'm stunned by the gold chains and the breast-pocket chains he's sporting. Has anyone in or from Mount Prospect ever worn such righteous bling?

For the most part, the judges were thrilled with his bluesy version, with Ellen likening Lee to a pen (in a good way). Go Lee! Bring that record deal on home.

"American Idol" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The top 11 perform "teen idol" songs. We were a little overdue for some Debbie Gibson songs, weren't we?

"Biggest Loser: Couples" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Michael Ventrella and the other remaining contestants are sent home to continue to diet and exercise. Can he keep up the slimdown in Bartlett?

"Lost" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The mysteriously smoky-eyed, never-aging Richard Alpert (Nestor Carbonell) gets some screen time as he faces a difficult decision. I'm betting that his secret has something to do with an ancient Egyptian form of Botox.

"Melrose Place" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Dr. Michael Mancini (Thomas Calabro) continues to terrorize hooker/doctor Lauren (Stephanie Jacobsen).

"V: The Arrival" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Review the first four episodes in just one hour! Say what you will, but those aliens are efficient.

"Dancing With the Stars" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): And so it begins. Is there anyone who will NOT be watching to see how they choreograph Pamela Anderson's breasts? All right, yes - some of you are rooting for Kate Gosselin's weave to get caught in a high kick.

"True Life" (9 p.m. on MTV): Two young couples are troubled by "digital drama" - they have obsessive online, texting and cell phone habits. Is there rehab for that?

"Nurse Jackie" (9 p.m. on Showtime): Second season opener. Jackie's ex-boyfriend/drug hookup Eddie befriends Jackie's husband - not good. And a narcotics shortage is discovered at the hospital - really not good. Most important: Jackie's severe haircut has been slightly softened.

"United States of Tara" (9:30 p.m. on Showtime): Second season opener. Tara has her alter-egos in control, for now. What could go wrong? A neighbor's suicide doesn't help.

SATURDAY

"Spring Break 2010" (1 p.m. on MTV): Those of us who are actually grateful not to be gyrating on an Acapulco beach (sun = skin cancer, kiddies!) can tune in and feel superior. First up is the "Fist Pumpin' Top 20 With Jersey Shore," which documents the most outrageous MTV Spring Break moments of all time.

"Healing Hands" (8 p.m. on Hallmark): Eddie Cibrian plays a janitor who discovers he can heal others with his touch. Patrick Duffy plays Uncle Norman.

"Dr. Phibes Rises Again" (9:30 p.m. on WCIU-Channel 26): Svengoolie welcomes Vincent Price back. The poster for the 1972 tagline? "Flesh crawls! Blood curdles! Phibes lives!"

SUNDAY

"Life" (7 p.m. on Discovery): I give four stars to this Oprah-narrated epic; with all the hunter-vs.-prey subject matter, you probably won't want to snack during this one. My review is in the Sunday paper.

"Jonas Brothers: Living the Dream 2" (8 p.m., Disney): More behind-the-scenes Jonas juice as they embark on a European concert tour.

"Jerseylicious" (9 p.m. on The Style Network): What's more fascinating than watching youths slug it out on the Jersey Shore? Watching hairstylists spray it high in a New Jersey salon.

"Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution" (9 pm. on WLS-Channel 7): Watch a preview of the new series, with a British chef trying to teach "the unhealthiest city in America" - Huntington, W.V. - how to eat right.

"Kirstie Alley's Big Life" (9 p.m., A&E): Watching this one-star reality series, I was reminded of my reaction to "The Anna Nicole Smith Show": uncomfortably queasy. She wants to market a weight-loss program, even though she's still struggling with the scale.

"Breaking Bad" marathon (7 p.m., AMC): If you haven't been watching the last two seasons, this is the thinking man's marathon: Fans voted on which six episodes would air. It repeats on Saturday starting at 10 a.m.

"Thin Ice" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Elisabeth Hasselbeck hosts this figure-skating competition. Judges include Dick Button, Kristi Yamaguchi and Katarina Witt. Michael Weiss, Jamie Sale and John Zimmerman compete - and Olympian Joannie Rochette will perform a tribute to her recently deceased mother. It concludes Sunday night at 6.

"Who Do You Think You Are?" (7 p.m. on WMAQ-Channel 5): Lisa Kudrow, the executive producer of the series, investigates her ancestry, delving into the Holocaust.

"Bad Boys II" (7 p.m. on Bravo): This is an ironic highlight. Horrible movie. But you can watch it again at 9:30.

"Scrubs" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The season nine finale could be the last episode, so fill your quirkiness quota while you can.

"Gary Unmarried" (7:30 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): In the season finale, we learn that - SPOILER! - because the divorce papers were never filed, Gary is still married. In all fairness, they should change the title of the show.

"The T.A.M.I. Show" (9:30 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): The 1964 concert film has them all: The Rolling Stones, Chuck Berry, Marvin Gaye, James Brown (AND the Flames), the Supremes, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, Jan and Dean, Gerry and the Pacemakers, the Beach Boys . . . the DVD comes out March 23.

"Ugly Americans" (9:30 p.m., Comedy Central): It's not just humans who get poked fun at in this animated series. For instance, a social worker ponders an affair with his demon boss. Who's not that ugly.

"Justified" (9 p.m., FX): Be sure to give Timothy Olyphant a shot as he stars in this three-and-a-half-star neo-Western as Raylan Givens. The U.S. Marshal was created by executor producer Elmore Leonard, and you can be sure that when he draws his gun, it's justified. Olyphant's devilish looks balance his white-cowboy-hat principles. And I'm looking forward to more sparks with his ex, played by "Dirty Sexy Money's" luscious Natalie Zea.

"Flashforward: What Did You See?" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Finally! We get a recap of the last 10 episodes, before the series comes back Thursday at 7 p.m. The mystery is a little "Lost"-like to keep track of, but the cast (John Cho, Dominic Monaghan) is easy to watch.

"Bad Girls Club" (9 p.m., Oxygen): The first of a two-part reunion, hosted by the venerable Perez Hilton. I think he mediate political debates, too.

Kirstie Alley and Jessica Simpson are just two celebrity women who've been scrutinized for their weight, but rather than starve themselves into submission, they've fought back with two new shows. Jessica's "The Price of Beauty" travels the world - starting in Thailand - to examine what makes women in different cultures feel beautiful. (It airs 9 p.m. Monday on VH1.) "Kirstie Alley's Big Life" documents her efforts to lose 90 pounds and establishing a plan to rival Jenny Craig's. (It airs at 9 p.m. Sunday [21st] on A&E.)

How do the shows measure up?

Most celebrated career fitness achievement:

Jessica: Donning "Daisy Dukes" for the "Dukes of Hazzard" remake and posing for all pictures backside-first.

Kirstie: Starring in two "North and South" miniseries wearing a corset as Virgilia Hazard.

Worst body-image moment:

Jessica: Being photographed performing at a chili-cookoff wearing mom jeans.

Kirstie: Modeling a bikini for Oprah Winfrey that included some sort of Spanx and a sarong that had a train.

Along for the journey:

Jessica: Best friend CaCee Cobb and hairstylist/pal Ken Paves.

Kirstie: Her two teenagers, two personal assistants, a handyman named Jim, a stylist and a trainer. So far.

Tone:

Jessica's show: Educational and fun.

Kirstie's show: Sad in the way that "The Anna Nicole Smith Show" was.

Most disturbing moment in first episodes:

Jessica: Having a giggling fit during meditation, while pal CaCee lusts after the Buddhist monk.

TIE: When Kirstie says, "I always told my gorgeous daughter Lillie that she stole all my beauty." And being introduced to her elaborate lemur cage.

Most eye-misting moment:

Jessica: Cries when she meets an older woman who has ruined her skin by trying to lighten it.

Kirstie: When she calls her handyman and says, "Wanna come over and eat? ... Perfect, I'll start cooking."

Stated intention:

Jessica: "I'm interested in learning more about myself and what I value and letting that be the beautiful part of me."

Kirstie: She plans to lose 90 pounds, "and they will not go quietly," she says.

Sneaking suspicion:

Jessica is using the show to push her own shoe line.

Kirstie needs intense emotional therapy, not a trainer.

"20/20: Inside the Bachelor" (7-9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): I think I'm most excited about hearing from Byron Velvick, the '04 fisherman who just broke up with his pick, Mary Delgado.

"Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony" (7:30 p.m. on Fuse): I don't think I've ever watched Fuse before, but if ABBA is getting its props, I'm there. Other inductees: Genesis, Jimmy Cliff, the Hollies and the Stooges.

"Transform Me" (9:30 p.m., VH1): Brilliant concept. Each week, three transgender stylists transform a woman. First up: someone who has lost 60 pounds and is in dire need of a makeover.

"Rip the Runway" (9 p.m., BET): This is how you do it, Bryant Park! This high-energy fashion show is hosted by Nicki Minaj and Pooch Hall, with performances by Ludacris, Estelle, Trina, Roscoe Dash, Soulja Boy, B.O.B. and Janelle Monae. Dare we hope for some real-sized models?

SATURDAY

"True Blue: Ten Years of Blue Collar Comedy" (7 p.m., CMT): You have to admit, it's funnier than white-collar comedy.

"Who Is Clark Rockefeller?" (8 p.m., Lifetime): I am actually dying to know. With Eric McCormack and Sherry Stringfield.

"The Guard" (8 p.m., WCPX-Channel 38): Ride the tides with this new Canadian Coast Guard series.

"Mr. Sardonicus" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): Once you see this '61 creep-o-rama, you will never, ever get it out of your head.

"The Lost Boys" (11 p.m., Spike): We're all mourning Corey Haim in our own ways, but Spike will be airing his 1987 vampire cult film, with Kiefer Sutherland, Jason Patric and Jami Gertz.

SUNDAY

"The Cutting Edge 4: Fire and Ice" (7 p.m., ABC Family): A speed skater (Brendan Fehr) is banned from his sport, but takes up with a tempestuous figure skater (Francis Raisa). I don't know how ABC Family knows me so well, but I'm probably good for another 11 sequels.

"Celebrity Apprentice" (8 p.m. on WMAQ-Channel 5): Find out how Governor Blagojevich fares against Sharon Osbourne and Cyndi Lauper in the two-hour premiere.

"Summit on the Summit" (8 p.m., MTV): Celebrities Kenna, Jessica Biel, Lupe Fiasco, Isabel Lucas and Santigold hike to the top of Kilimanjaro to raise awareness of the billion people worldwide who don't get clean drinking water. I wanted to participate, too, but I have that knee thing.

"The Pacific" (8 p.m., HBO): My review for the latest Spielberg/Hanks collaboration - four stars, of course - will be in Sunday's paper. This 10-part miniseries on the Pacific theater during WWII is required viewing.

"Sons of Tucson" (8:30 p.m. on WFLD-Channel 32): If you've been missing "Malcolm in the Middle," you should tune in to sitcom that has the same spirit. Local Matt Levy, 16, plays brother Brandon.

Steven Spielberg isn't just a filmmaker. He's a passionate historian with a really big budget. And with Tom Hanks, his fellow WWII buff, they've turned from the European theater of "Band of Brothers" to "The Pacific."

It's a 10-part, majestic, movie medal of honor for every person who ever put on a uniform because he believed he was one of the good guys. (And, incidentally, the pricetag has been estimated at $200 million.)

"The Pacific" focuses on the men of the 1st Marine Division, as they island hop tiny specks of land they'd never heard of: Guadalcanal, Cape Gloucester, Peleliu, Iwo Jima, and Okinawa. They narrow down the scope - just a bit - to focus on the stories of three extraordinary men:

'Sons of Tucson'
Three stars
7:30 p.m. Sunday

"Sons of Tucson" is a project that's been in the works long enough that two of the aforementioned sons had to be recast. It didn't hurt the show any, and it was excellent news for local actor Matthew Levy. The 16-year-old Francis Parker sophomore nabbed the role of 13-year-old Brandon, the oldest brother in a family that can only aspire to be dysfunctional.

On the show, Brandon's father went to prison for some unspecified white-collar crime. He left behind plenty of money, and three boys who don't want to gamble on foster care. Instead, they pay an underachieving "adult" named Ron Snuffkin to occasionally play dad at the principal's office and head off child services. Ron is played by Tyler Labine, who established his slacker cred on "Reaper," and could pass for Zach Galifianakis' saner brother.

The boys run the household, such as it is, staying up all night playing video games, getting stuck inside fishbowls, and so on. Essentially, the show fills the void left by "Malcolm in the Middle" - and, in fact, is being executive-produced by Justin Berfield, who played the sadistic oldest brother on "Malcolm." (Berfield is, of course, better known to some of us as the guy who bought Nick and Jessica's "Newlyweds" house. Probably for a steal.)

"Who Do You Think You Are" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): The charming Emmitt Smith follows a theory that his grandmother may have had white ancestry, traveling to Alabama, Virginia, and eventually Africa.

"When Irish Eyes Are Smiling: An Irish Parade of Stars" (7:30 p.m. on WTTW-Channel 11): You don't want to go into that St. Pat's parade on Saturday cold. Worth watching if only to see Robert Mitchum croon "Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ra." Patty Duke hosts.

"Medium" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Bruce Gray and Kathy Baker return as Joe's parents in a flashback to his wedding to Allison.

"Supernanny" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The sixth-season finale is also the 100th episode, so Jo revisits some of her most unforgettable families.

"Numb3rs" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Charlie weds on the season finale. At press time, there was no word on what their colors would be.

I actually enjoyed the group performance that kicked off the show, because I think "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" is a sweet song, but I refuse to give in to it totally because I think that Michael Buble didn't appreciate Emily Blunt when he was dating her. I don't know why I think this. At any rate, his music is dead to me.

DIdi Benami has made it into the top 12. I wasn't very worried about her.

I wonder how many times Simon has winked in his entire lifetime. Thousands? Millions?

Siobhan Magnus has made it, too.

OH! NO! Kaitlyn Epperly is out! She was my pick! I don't know what to do right now! How do I cope?

"Minute to Win It"
One and a half stars
6 p.m. Sunday on WMAQ-Channel 5

I count myself as a fan of "Wipeout" - which is to say that I have no moral objections to people making themselves look like muttonheads on national TV. And yet I did not like "Minute to Win It."

The prize is $1 million dollars, and the means of winning it involves completing 10 tasks of a minute each. One challenge involved getting an Oreo from your forehead to your mouth without using any hands. You can also expect balloons, toilet paper and ping pong balls to be featured heavily on this show. (The engineers who construct the elaborate challenges on "Survivor" probably want to kill themselves right now.)

The website votefortheworst.com has no pity: It's going after Tim Urban, who was originally eliminated from the finalists, only to be reinstalled and then told by Simon Cowell that he would eliminate him all over again.

Really, now. There's no need to pile on.

Last night Urban went for the Hail Mary pass with Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah," managing to bleach out any of the song's soul. But the judges' disagreed, and Ellen Degeneres even hopped up on stage to hug a wide-eyed Urban. Those eyes will probably fall out of his head if he gets to stay another week.

The top eight gentlemen were led by Mount Prospect's Lee Dewyze, who sang Owl City's "Fireflies" and, in Kara DioGuardi's opinion, improved on the original. Why is Dewyze such a strong contender? I'm not sure if it's the plaid and flannel, the complete absence of an ego, or eyes that are Michael Buble-pretty. Don't make me choose.

Did Alex Lambert perform? I've already forgotten. You'd think that his stubborn mullet would make more of an impression.

Andrew Garcia, who already tackled Paula Abdul's canon (not to mention Adele and Alicia Keys), reinterpreted Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle." It's a nice little gimmick, I think: He could record an album of female covers for men too manly to buy chick music.

I am struggling to assess Casey James's performance of "You'll Think of Me" without referring to his sex appeal, and I am failing. There's something about him that's so mellow and comfortable; he'd be so nice to come home to. Musically, I mean.

Lonestar's "I'm Already There" should be a song beyond Aaron Kelly's maturity, but he powered through it.

It took guts for Todrick Hall to work up Queen's "Somebody to Love" without at least the cast of "Glee" to back him. But it paid off, and his enthusiasm was infectious.

The show closed out with Big Mike Lynche. I could do without his falsetto on Maxwell's "This Woman's Work," but boy, did he feel that song. It even brought Kara to tears. Her issues aside, Big Mike seems to be the guy to beat.

"Criminal Minds" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Gabrielle Carteris ("Beverly Hills, 90210") guest-stars in a plot about a truck driver who kidnaps women.

"First Love, Second Chance" (9 p.m., TVLand): Former romances are rekindled on this reality series, which you should really not try at home. At least cyber-stalk them on Facebook before committing to anyone. First up: An Australian exchange student who fell for the daughter of his host family (and got kicked out of the house).

"Psych" (9 p.m., USA): Ally Sheedy guest stars in the season finale of the giddiest crime show out there. The plot? Murders are planned as homages to Hitchcock films.

"Real Housewives of Orange County" (8 p.m., Bravo): Host Andy Cohen, whom I am loving more and more, reunites the trophy wives in the first of a two-part special.

First of all, I am hearing grousing -- grousing! -- about this year's crop of underwhelming talent. Personally, I don't feel like I can complain to THAT extent, when the only song that seems to be within my musical range is Rosemary Clooney's "Hey There." So let's at least acknowledge that we all spend our weekends playing -- and losing -- Rock Band, and judge away.

Why isn't America as dazzled by Katelyn Epperly as I am? Look up "Idol-Worthy" in the dictionary, and you will see her picture. Katelyn is polished and ready to record right out of the gate. She is Meg Ryan with all the adorability sucked out. We've had idols that have been velvet teddy bears, country cuties, earnest teenagers and, um, Taylor Hicks.

So why NOT Katelynn? She can sing, she's got confidence, she's got style, she's got experience. I can see her feuding with Lady Gaga, indulging in an ill-fated affair with Samantha Ronson, launching a scent, and guest-starring on "Glee." The title is "American Idol," not "Do you have a Lifetime movie background and can you kiss up to Kara DioGuardi?"

Did Katelynn pick the right song with Carol King's "I Feel the Earth Move"? Was she really playing a Wurlitzer? Simon is right, if Katelynn doesn't want to be a lounge singer, she might want to drop the easy listening.

As for the other girls...

Katie Stevens picked the right song, I thought, with Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway." The spectre of Clarkson looms large, does it not? But she's just not exciting me, and I still feel like she's playing dressup. Not ripe enough.

Siobhan Magnus went the chanteuse route with a sultry "House of the Rising Sun," a song I hope I never hear again. Simon's opinion: "weird," and "underimpressed."

Lacey Brown is such a sweet soul, and I'm a fan of her quirky vulnerability. Her "I Was Made for You" was heartbreaking. And we need a new Natalie Imbruglia, do we not?

Didi Benami's "Rihanna" was as wow as folksy gets, and I'm worried that she's so likeable she will steal votes from my Katelynn.

Paige Miles singing Charlie Chaplin's "Smile" now seems to be permanently linked with Michael Jackson. What a beautiful song. I would have liked more of a voice crescendo, but I liked it more than the judges did. Simon called it a "peanut performance," something you'd hear while eating peanuts at the bar of a 1974 Holiday Inn. How is that a bad thing?

The ever-contradicting Simon Cowell has said that he's a Crystal Bowersox fan, but I thought covering a Tracy Chapman song was a little predictable. The judges' loved her authenticity and sense of self, though, and it's hard to argue with that. I could listen to her all night.

Lilly Scott's "I Fall to Pieces" -- didn't see that one coming. And breaking out the mandolin! It was enough to get past the judges, but I had one question: Were those pinecone earrings she was sporting?

'America's Next Top Model'
Two stars
7 p.m. on WGN-Channel 9

'High Society'
One and a half stars
8:30 p.m. on WGN-Channel 9

Having watched at least every female-oriented reality show of this century and the last, I can tell you this: In America, the most privileged heiress is just as insecure, self-absorbed, ill-mannered, vapid, loathsome and desperate as any "Flavor of Love" reject.

Truly. These reality shows have something to teach us, and it's this: our common denominator is far lower than we feared.

I had high hopes for "High Society," starring the fabulous Tinsley Mortimer, a Bergdorf Blonde even I had heard of. Want to know how classy she is? Her ex is named Topper. Topper!

I assumed we would be watching how the other tenth lives. Socialites, as I understand it, are supposed to mingle and show horses until such time as they make a brilliant match and spend the rest of their lives languidly sniping at the nouveau riche.

The joke of Paris Hilton, I thought, is that she was supposed to be an aberration. A novelty.

Wrongo! These "socialites" want their debutante party - and they do not want the damn band to stop playing.

"90210" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): The show returns, determined to catch your attention: Adrianna and Gia, who are both girls, lock lips.

"Melrose Place" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): And you doubted it would be back! Amanda (Heather Locklear) even introduces a billionaire boyfriend (Billy Campbell).

"Glee" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Cue the silly-sounding voice warmup. It's a rerun of the "Sectionals" episode.

"The Forgotten" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): It's the last episode of the Christian Slater series for a while - possibly forever.

"White Collar" (9 p.m., USA): It's the season finale for this charming series, somehow involving an elusive music box and the Italian consulate.

"Food Wars" (9:30 p.m., Travel): Camille will decide once and for all, who's the champ: Al's Beef or Mr. Beef.

"The Bachelor: Jason and Molly's Wedding" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): I hesitate to publicize this, but you have a right to know.

"Trauma" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): A traumatic return, with a construction worker who falls down a manhole and a bank robbery.

"Make It or Break It" (8 p.m., ABC Family): In the season finale, the girls face the Chinese team. Let's hope they stick the landing.

"Phineas and Ferb" (8 p.m., Disney Channel): You don't need an excuse to watch this children's show, but here's one anyway: Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor guest as a super villain and his nagging wife. But fans know that Perry the Platypus is the real star.

"The Big Bang Theory" (8:30 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Finding a ring from "The Lord of the Rings" at a garage sale threatens to tear the boys' friendship apart.

SATURDAY

"The 7th Voyage of Sinbad" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): Svengoolie is your captain on this trip to 1957 special effects. The soundtrack album of Bernard Herrmann's score was so sought-after by collectors that it was finally released on CD in 2009.

"Roy Orbison: In Dreams" (10:30 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): A new tribute to the great man, with home movies, performances, and appearances from Bono, Bruce Springsteen, Carl Perkins and Robert Planet.

"Magic & Bird: A Courtship of Rivals" (10:30 p.m., HBO): Such a thin line between love and elbowing. With commentary from Pat Riley, Kevin McHale and Michael Cooper.

"Saturday Night Live" (10:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Zach Galifianakis hosts, with Vampire Weekend as the musical guests.

SUNDAY

"What Would Brian Boitano Make" (Noon, Food Channel): A new season. With crab cakes!

"Pat Boone: Love Letters in the Sands of Time" (2:30 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Snippets from the '50s variety series "The Pat Boone Chevy Showroom," plus duets with Mel Torme, Nat King Cole and Andy Williams. Bonus: a yodeling lesson with Roy Rogers.

"The Barbara Walters Special" (6 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): For her last Oscar special, Barbara reviews highlights dating back to 1981, including interviews with Cher, the Reagans, Sophia Lauren - and new interviews with Sandra Bullock and Mo'Nique.

"The 82nd Academy Awards" (7:30 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): I'm not sure how Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin will poke fun at "The Hurt Locker," but I'm curious enough to watch.

"Jimmy Kimmel Live: After the Academy Awards" (11:05 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Worth staying sober for.

"The Office" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Pam finally has her baby in an hourlong special. Sometimes, kiddies, it takes even longer than that.

"The Marriage Ref" (9 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): It settles into its regular time slot with panelists Jerry Seinfeld, Tina Fey and Eva Longoria Parker.

"The Real Housewives of Orange County" (9 p.m., Bravo): It's the end of season five -- but don't be sad, because it's ALSO the season three opener of "The Real Housewives of New York City" at 10. I'm hearing that Countess LuAnn has found a new man. Thank God.

"Burn Notice" (9 p.m., USA): In the third season finale, Michael is up against a terrorist, a bomb AND the FBI.

"Blacking Up: Hip-Hop's Remix of Race and Identity" (10 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): A documentary on whites involved in hip-hop.

"The Middle" (7:30 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Will Brick's spelling prowess bring the Hecks to (gasp) Chicago's regional bee?

"Law & Order: SVU" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): We celebrate the new time slot with two episodes: The first guest-stars Kathy Griffin as a lesbian activist, and the second boasts Mischa Barton as a prostitute.

"Ghost Hunters 100th Episode" (8 p.m., SyFy): The sixth-season premiere begins with a visit to Alcatraz.

"Nip/Tuck" (9 p.m., FX): For the series finale, Famke Janssen, Melanie Griffith and Joan Rivers all makek appearances.

"Oprah Winfrey Oscar Special" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Stars interview each other! Halle Berry and Penelope Cruz; Ben Affleck and Jeremy Rennere; Glenn Close and Michael Douglas; and James Cameron with Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana and Sigourney Weaver.

"The Locator" (9 p.m., WE): In the fourth-season premiere, a daughter tracks down her father after 35 years.

"Being John Daly" (8 p.m., Golf Channel): I imagine it's more exciting than being ourselves.

"Southland" (9 p.m., TNT): It's the first new episode that didn't air on NBC, and it doesn't lack for action: a senior citizen kidnapped by a drug addict, a freeway shooting, a teen shooting and a riot.

"Frontline: The Suicide Tourist" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): An examination of the Chicagoan who traveled to Switzerland to kill himself on camera.

"20/20: Before They Were Famous" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The 2010 Oscar nominees get the treatment: George Clooney, Mo'Nique, Jeff Bridges and more.

"Millionaire Matchmaker" (9 p.m., Bravo): Chicago's Jimmy D'Ambrosio returns, insisting he's a changed man and looking for love.

"Players" (9:30 p.m., Spike): The new series about brothers who co-own a sports bar stars Matt Walsh and Ian Roberts, both of the legendary Upright Citizens Brigade.

"The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Will Jake choose Tenley? Vienna? We know that choosing dignity is no longer an option, at least, as the sleazy 14th season crash-lands. At 9:05 p.m., it's "After the Final Rose," with announcements about the next "Dancing With the Stars" cast - and the next Bachelorette. Go Ali!

"Rules of Engagement" (7:30 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Happy fourth season premiere! Don't worry, David Spade's character hasn't matured; his biggest problem is retrieving his phone from a one-night-stand's apartment.

"Law & Order" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): A new night, and two episodes. The 9 p.m. case co-stars Debra Winger - we haven't seen her since "Rachel Getting Married."

"American Experience: Dolley Madison" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Plan ahead for some healthy snacks for the profile of this First Lady, or you'll just end up in a vicious Raspberry Zingers cycle.

"CSI: L.A." (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Rob Zombie directs this episode about evidence tampering.

"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" (10:35 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): It's almost like it never happened - Leno is back, with guests Jamie Foxx, Lindsey Vonn and Brad Paisley. At least this won't be awkward.