'Parenthood'
Three stars
9 p.m. Tuesday on WMAQ-Channel 5
Whenever I watch a remake, I wonder: Why now? And sometimes, just "Why?" I think that's what we were all thinking when NBC tried to gas up a new version of "Knight Rider" in 2008.
So why "Parenthood"? Now?
Ron Howard's 1989 movie was sprawling and ambitious, with a cast including Steve Martin, Tom Hulce, Rick Moranis, Jason Robards, Mary Steenburgen, Dianne Wiest, and a sulking Leaf Phoenix who had not yet changed his name to Joaquin.
The movie showed parenthood to be messy, maddening, painful and powerful.
Martin dressed up as a cowboy for his son's birthday party. Moranis tried to create a prodigy, showing his daughter flashcards of chemical symbols. And Hulce learned that he had a son. A black son. Named Cool.
"Sinatra at Carnegie Hall" (8 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): His June 1980 concert included "The Theme From New York, New York" and "I've Got the World on a String."
"Cold Case" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Deanna Dunagan, who won a Tony for "August: Osage County," guest-stars in the case of a murdered female pilot in 1944.
"Beauty and the Beast: A Dark Tale" (8 p.m., SyFy): This new movie features a new monster (Victor Parascos) and an impressive beauty (Estella Warren) but the same small-minded villagers.
"The Revenge of Frankenstein" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): The 1957 Hammer Studios horror film stars Peter Cushing, who's collecting spare parts for new projects. Says Svengoolie, "I suppose the Republicans will complain about that health plan, too."
"Saturday Night Live" (10:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Jennifer Lopez doesn't strike me as someone with the capacity to poke fun at herself, but she's hosting - and performing - nonetheless.
SUNDAY
"Winter Olympics: Closing Ceremony" (6 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): A final parade and musical performances before the Olympic flag is passed to Sochi, Russia, site of the 2014 Winter Games. I always watch for limping athletes.
"Masterpiece Classic: The 39 Steps" (8 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): A 2008 adaptation of the thriller about Germans, secret agents, and suffragettes.
"Big Love" (8 p.m., HBO): It's Amanda Seyfried's last episode as Bill's daughter, and with her goes any semblance of sanity.
"The Marriage Ref" (9:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): A preview of Jerry Seinfeld's new show, in which celebrity panelists give their opinions on marital grievances. Including Kelly Ripa, Tom Papa -- and who wouldn't want Alec Baldwin judging their marriage?
"Winter Olympics" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): That Apolo Ohno works awfully hard. Tonight he skates for gold live in the 500m, and with his team in the 5000m relay in short track. Lindsey Vonn competes in her fifth and final event, the women's slalom.
"NAACP Image Awards" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Anika Noni Rose and Hill Harper hosts, with Tyler Perry and Wyclef Jean getting some serious respect. Nominees include Mo'Nique, Sandra Bullock, Jamie Foxx and more.
"Blades of Glory" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): If it takes staging the international Winter Olympics to get 2007's "Blades of Glory" on TV, it's all been worth it. Bonus: Brian Boitano cameo.
"Turn the Beat Around" (9 p.m., MTV): A movie about a valiant attempt to bring back the heady days of disco. With Romina D'Ugo and the dreamy Jason Derulo.
"Winter Olympics" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Rachael Flatt skates live in the women's free skate. Also: freestyle skiing men's aerials and Nordic combined.
"The Deep End" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The timely season finale deals with a case of a photo sent by text - but I have a feeling this is the last time we'll be seeing our ambitious young friends.
"Kitchen Nightmares" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): That's right, "Past Life" is in the past. In fact, star Kelli Giddish has already moved on to the lead in the upcoming "Chase." Chef Ramsay is the present (and probably the unavoidable future). Tonight he tries to save a Cuban eatery in Brooklyn.
"Police Women of Maricopa County" (8 p.m., TLC): The second-season premiere includes a high-speed chase involving a naked man.
"Soundstage: Willie Nelson" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): I can confirm that "Pistol Packin' Mama" is part of the program.
Gotta love Simon trying to soothe the nerves of the male contestants. "If you lose it tonight and forget the words, your career is over," he said. If anyone threw up, they didn't show it.
Since more than one judge has announced that this is the girls' year for a win, the men should be extremely relaxed. They really just need to stand there and look pretty.
First up is Todrick Hall, who almost certainly has never suffered from nerves in his life. He put his own spin on Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone," and spun it out of recognition. It was definitely a different song. And not one that sounded very good. He's a showoff, not a singer. On a scale from 1 to 10, I'd give him a 5.
"One Life to Live" (1 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Guest-starring on soaps is still chic. Snoop Dogg plays Capricorn after a visit to his good friend Bo.
"Winter Olympics" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Lindsay Vonn skis in the women's giant-slalom final, while Apolo Ohno competes in the 500m short-track prelims. One more American to watch for: Shauna Rohbock in the bobsled race.
"Aaron Stone" (7 p.m., Disney XD): The second season jumps right into it: a baddie named Damaged attacks the Omega Defiance in search of an intelligence serum.
"Psych" (9 p.m., USA): Shawn and Gus join a think tank, to protect a tycoon from assassination. Is it true that you can just join a think tank? I want in.
"The Real World: Brooklyn" (9 p.m., MTV): Let me just say that the episode title is "Cheaters, Beaters and Pavement Eaters."
And we kick off the live performances with a healthy dose of cowbell and a clear view of Paige Miles's tonsils. She didn't get much air time up till now, but now we know that Paige can sing -- and that she needs to pee. Her rendition of "All Right Now" was solid, but not flashy enough for the judges.
One strike against her: that junior-high-dance black lace dress with silver lame belt (!). Tragic. Truly.
Next up: Ashley Rodriguez, who underwhelmed with Leona Lewis's "Happy." I like that she took a risk, but it didn't pay off.
(Superficial aside: Ellen's pocket square is snappy.)
I like Janell Wheeler's voice -- it's surprisingly husky and has a way with the minor chords -- but I can't get past the pageant veneer. I don't think I'd like her as the next American Idol, although she may have a future in slasher movies. As for Heart's "What About Love," she Disneyfied it too much for my taste.
Lilly Scott of Denver scored with the random choice of the Beatles' "I'm Fixing a Hole." I will be watching her, if only for her interesting choices in legwear. But please, kids: Just because Lilly lived out of her car, it doesn't mean you should.
LOVED Katelyn Epperly, loved the feather, loved the pleather, loved her sultry, raw version of the Beatles' "Oh Darlin'." She's almost too perfect. She could be a fembot plant.
Nobody can out-enthuse Haeley Vaughn. Am I wrong? There's nothing that doesn't sparkle on her. If this "American Idol" thing doesn't work out for her, someone should give her a children's show, pronto.
Just one word went through my head while Lacey Brown covered Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide": forlorn.
Michelle Delamor is "very commercial looking," said Kara. Why does that sound like an insult? She's gorgeous, and deserves the diva spot with her "Fallin'."
I love the song "Take Me the Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson, and not just because it uses the word "Rogaine" so effectively. The judges weren't too impressed by Didi Benami, but I think America just loves her. She's completely endearing. I'm guessing votes won't be a problem for her.
Siobhan Magnus makes me nervous -- or "a funny little thing," as Simon calls her. Singing "Wicked Game" upped the "huh?" factor for me. Beautiful song, haunting voice, and the glass-blowing to fall back on. She should be fine.
Crystal Bowersox, busting out the Alanis Morisette! But the harmonica made me laugh, which I'm sure was not the intention. Still, she's the kind of artist who will one day jam with lots of other artists at fund-raisers like Farm Aid.
Unfortunately, I agreed with the judges on Katie Stevens' "Feelin' Good." A bow in the hair, red pumps, and a song that's way too old for her. A big voice, though, that will come through in the end.
"Winter Olympics" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Women's figure skating short program, women's bobsledding, Alpine skiing's men's giant slalom, and the women's ski-cross final.
"American Idol" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The Top 12 girls compete. Viewer voting begins! C'mon, Chicagoans, this isn't the primaries - this is important.
"Lost" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Hurley gets some much-deserved air time as he tries to convince Jack to help him on a mission. In the meantime, what's up with Jungle Claire?
"The Forgotten" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): A woman's body, found in the wreckage of a train, leads to a secret society of roving nightclubs.
"Party Heat" (9 p.m., truTV): My new favorite show. Instead of actually leaving the house to celebrate a holiday, you can watch police bust revelers from the safety of your loveseat. In this episode, Arkansas police patrol during Labor Day weekend.
Rozlyn Papa - the contestant we mercilessly maligned before we got caught up maligning Vienna - appeared on "The Women Tell All" to deny that she romanced one of the show's producers.
"I saw you guys kissing on the stairs!" said contestant Jessie -- who swore on her dog's life it was true.
"Winter Olympics" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Meryl Davis, Charlie White, Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto compete in the live ice dancing finals. Also: men's aerials freestyle skiing, and the team final in large-hill ski jumping.
"The Bachelor: The Women Tell All" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The scandalous - and scandalously beautiful - Rozlyn will be back, along with former bachelors and bachelorettes to update us on their true loves. Expect Jake to look uncomfortable.
"Accidentally on Purpose" (7:30 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Billie, who got pregnant from a one-night stand and then moved in with the guy - platonically! - gives relationship advice. It's the last episode for a month.
"American Masters: Zora Neale Hurston" (10 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): A profile of the author of Their Eyes Were Watching God.
"It's Me or the Dog" (7 p.m., Animal Planet): A roommate faces off with a vicious Yorkshire terrier.
"Species II" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): Wow. I've actually seen this one. Natasha Henstridge stars in this 1998 thriller about astronauts who return from Mars, infected with extraterrestrial DNA. Svengoolie particularly enjoys the "drawn-on" underwear that hides nudity in the TV version. With Marg Helgenberger, Michael Madsen and Mykelti Williamson.
"America's Most Wanted" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Beware of the San Diego gang "Los Palillos," or "The Toothpicks."
SUNDAY
"An Evening With Smokey Robinson" (6 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): There's no better way to spend it. Gwen Ifill interviews the Motown man, and Teena Marie, Howard Hewett and Musiq Soulchild perform some of his classics at Northwestern's Thorne Auditorium in Chicago.
"School Gyrls" (6 p.m., Nickelodeon): Nick Cannon directed this movie, which is basically "Mean Girls" with a battle of the bands. Watch for Kristinia DeBarge, Reverend Run, Justin Bieber, Soulja Boy, Pete Wentz - and, of course, Cannon.
"Hannah Montana" (7 p.m., Disney): Sometimes you just need a break from the testosterone of "Two and a Half Men." Jon Cryer guest-stars as Lilly's father.
"The Family Crews" (8 p.m., BET): Terry Crews, the former NFL player who has forged a new career in being hilarious, gets his own reality series.
"Cold Case" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Music by the Doors is featured throughout this episode, about a 1971 teen circus death. A Madonna tribute on "Glee," Jim Morrison on "Cold Case" . . . I'm going to start campaigning for Beatles music on "Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil."
"Smallville" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): This Valentine Day-themed episode introduces the ultimate romantic gift: wish-fulfilling Kryptonite.
"20 Best & Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgery Stories" (8 p.m., E!): Sometimes it's just good to review. I have a feeling that Tara Reid is in for it.
"The Ricky Gervais Show" (9 p.m., HBO): Gervais and Stephen Merchant, co-creator of "The Office," have been doing podcasts with a deadpan underachiever named Karl Pilkington. Now they've animated the bits, and you can expect conversations about population control, supernatural events, checking out other men in the locker room, and so on. Bonus: In a segment called "Monkey News," Karl recounts the dawn of space travel.
"What Not to Wear" (9 p.m., TLC): Meet a 38-year-old professor with a massive collection of mom jeans.
Even if you've never been to FunnyorDie.com, you've probably seen their videos bouncing around the internet. That fake Eva Longoria sex tape? Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony profile? Or "The Landlord," in which Will Ferrell is excoriated by a foul-mouthed toddler named Pearl?
They've gone viral on the internet, and now they're ready to infect cable TV. "Funny or Die Presents" will start airing original sketches on HBO tonight at midnight.
"HBO actually let us make the show we wanted to make," said Adam McKay, co-creator of Funny or Die.
Roughly translated, that means you can expect to see Ferrell play Abraham Lincoln opposite Don Cheadle's Federick Douglass in a sketch titled "Drunk History."
Finding celebrities to co-star has never been a problem, says Andrew Steele, a former head writer for "Saturday Night Live" who now is the executive producer of the HBO show. "I think everyone thinks they're funny - that there's at least a little bit of humor in them - and we offer them this opportunity to let loose," he says. "The spirit of 'Funny or Die' is that there's no filter. We don't stop anyone from doing what they want to do. If you want to try something different, this is a safe place to play."
The new series will feature regulars such as Zach Galifianakis, John C. Reilly, David Spade and Fred Willard, as well as a few surprises. (Wayne Newton!)
Steele is hoping that people will laugh, but is managing his expectations. "I think we're going to get a few stunned looks," he says. "It's a comedy laboratory."
And it's time for Funny or Die to take it to the next level - so don't expect a sequel to "The Landlord." "I think poor Pearl's retired from show biz," says Steele.
"Funny or Die Presents" draws heavily from the well of Chicago comedy, so look out for comedians such as:
"Survivor: Heroes Vs. Villains" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Promos show Boston Rob suddenly passing out in the middle of the jungle. Stay with me, buddy....
"Grey's Anatomy" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): It's flashback time! We learn about the crucial cases that formed the doctors, from an AIDS patient for Richard to a polio sufferer for Callie.
"Past Life" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Can star-crossed lovers find each other after reincarnation?
"Reporter" (8:30 p.m., HBO): A documentary about the New York Times' Nicholas Kristof's trip to the Congo in 2007. It was nominated for a Grand Jury Prize at Sundance, and boasts Ben Affleck as executive producer.
"Soundstage: Lynyrd Skynyrd" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): In addition to selections from his '09 album "God & Guns," enjoy "Free Bird," "Gimme Three Steps" and "Sweet Home Alabama."
"Olympics" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Buckle your seatbelts for an evening of snowboarding, speed skating, and Alpine skiing. Shaun White will compete in the men's halfpipe; Lindsey Vonn tackles women's downhill skiing, and Apolo Ohno skates live.
"Leverage" (9 p.m., TNT): The season two finale is called "The Maltese Falcon Job," which sounds promising. Also: Timothy Hutton's character is still off the wagon, and it may be your last chance to see Jeri Ryan on the grift. She's been stepping in for the pregnant Gina Bellman, who will be back next season.
"High School Reunion" (9 p.m., TVLand): Perhaps the guiltiest of my guilty pleasures. This class of '89 from Las Vegas has not matured much in 20 years. Tonight, former dork Cyndi reveals a scandalous secret.
In some ways, "American Idol" is like the military: The judges apparently need to break you down before they build you up. And so our wannabes found themselves herded into three rooms at the Kodak Theatre to wait for news that would, in all likelihood, be bad. Among the indignities they suffered: a patronizing Ryan Seacrest, and violently loud carpet.
Really, producers. Would it kill you to give them chairs?
So far, the real heartbreaker for me has been the dismissal of sweet Hope Johnson, who grew up with six sisters and a brother. "I didn't know we were poor," she said. "I thought a lot of kids didn't eat dinner."
Her audition song was the touching "I Hope You Dance," and I couldn't help but thinking: This is what "American Idol" should be about.
I love that Michael Lynche was the first top 24 finalist announced. Not only is he a snazzy dresser, but he called Simon "Sir." Who wouldn't love this guy? Missing his daughter's birth was almost too much.
And Didi Benami -- I've never seen anyone with nerves that are so endearing. Now that she's in the top 24, however, I would like to buy her some waterproof mascara.
Katelyn Epperly of Chicago has stood out from me from the beginning as someone with star quality. She could be a pop star based on her curly hair alone. She's in.
Casey James of Cool, Texas, also made the top 24. He is CRAZY hot. I have no idea if he can sing.
Sixteen-year-old Aaron Kelly made the cut, and got extra points from me for calling Ellen "Ma'am." The tween vote has officially been cornered.
Go Lee DeWyze of Mt. Prospect! I think I may throw my lot in with him. I like them a little rough around the edges. If I may offer some style advice, however: The hoodie coupled with your jacket has a white piping effect, calling to mind "The Love Boat's" Julie McCoy.
Todrick Hall, who co-starred with Fantasia in "The Color Purple" on Broadway, made the top 24. I hope he sticks around for a while; he's entertaining even when he's not singing.
It used to be so simple. When you thought of bad TV hair, you thought of Kate Gosselin. But now she's gone and complicated matters with a head of free extensions -- so now who takes the crown?
We've got a few follicles in mind.
Vienna on "The Bachelor"
Personality aside, Vienna is composed of so many unnatural parts that she officially qualifies as a fembot. Her overbleached, straggly extensions are her worst offense.
Conan O'Brien
You don't need the height, Conan. You don't need the hair product. Let that red mop fall where it may.
Pauly D of "Jersey Shore"Because of Snookie's bump, Pauly D's stand-on-end-I-think-I-just-saw-a-pale-person look hasn't gotten a free pass. Here's a hint, Pauly - Elmer's doesn't have a hair styling line.
Christian Kane of "Leverage"He would be gorgeous without any hair at all. His character on "Leverage" isn't a werewolf, so . . . why? Just because you can grow it doesn't mean you should.
Pam Beesly on "The Office" No doubt Jenna Fischer, who plays Pam, has heard of volumizer. But poor Pam is still stuck with limp hair, even after true love brought her some new curls. Pam is sharp, funny, no-nonsense and climbing the ranks. For God's sake, give her a blowout.
Liz Lemon on "30 Rock"
For her ill-fated talk show, Tina Fey showed up one day with some extremely blunt bangs. The joke is over, but those bangs haunt me still.
Britta on "Community"
Her brittle character shows up every day with loose, romantic spiral curls. Actress Gillian Jacobs surely knows that only a tween would have time to agonize that long in the morning with a curling iron. Real women don't.
Brig on "Shear Genius"
In much the same way manicurists seem to have horrible manicures, you can't judge a hairstylist by her hair. But even if the brass-band dye job didn't send us screaming, her enormous, always-present hair bow would be sufficient warning.
Michelle and Bob Duggar
My mother always used to tell me that I couldn't have long hair until I was old enough to take care of it. Michelle, with 20 kids and counting, trust me - you can't take care of long hair. And Bob? That thing on your head? That's called a Blagojevich.
Simon Cowell
His overgrown flattop is always in danger of parting down the middle, and Simon is simply too rich to appear on TV as the grownup version of Alfalfa.
"Mary J. Blige Webcast" (7 p.m., WBBM-96.3 FM): After an earlier taping of the "The Late Show With David Letterman" that will air at 10:30 p.m., Mary J. Blige's concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater will feature songs from her latest album, Stronger With Each Tear, as well as some bigger hits.
"My First Place" (7 p.m., HGTV): A Naperville couple are trying to be frugal while looking for a place for their four children, but they fall in love with a luxurious house that's out of their price range.
"Lost" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Katey Segal is back as Locke's love, Helen.
"16 and Pregnant" (9 p.m., MTV): A new season, with new teens: Tonight, meet Jenelle, a party girl from North Carolina with a long-distance boyfriend.
"Penguins of Madagascar" (7 p.m., Nickelodeon): I like seeing Neil Patrick Harris come to embody all that is evil. In tonight's episode, NPH plays an evil dolphin named Dr. Blowhole.
"Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show" (7 p.m., USA): Opening night of the 134th competition at Madison Square Garden. Watch for former Chicagoan Tamron Hall reporting from the sidelines. Best in Show is named tomorrow night.
"Facing Ali" (8 p.m., Spike): Ten of Muhammad Ali's biggest rivals that it was Ali's head games as much as his fancy footwork that made him the three-time World Heavyweight Champ. With Larry Holmes, Joe Frazier and George Foreman.
"My Fair Brady" (9:30 p.m., TV Guide Network): A rerun of the episode when top model/provacoteur Adrianne Curry brings Christopher Knight home to Joliet.
Every day we learn something unsavory about politicians, to the point that we're considering getting rid of some positions altogether.
But there is one elected office in which we still believe:
President of the United States of TV.
Even in a special election against 19 other candidates - including William H. Macy of "The Unit," Geena Davis of "Commander in Chief," Dennis Haysbert of "24" and Gary Cole of "The Bradys in the White House," there was an authoritatively clear winner:
President Jed Bartlet, as played by Martin Sheen, who served two terms on "The West Wing."
"I think the nation may have even been prepared to rescind the 22nd Amendment to allow him to serve a third term," says John Wells, "The West Wing's" executive producer and show runner. Wells more recently produced "Southland," which is getting a second life on TNT.
In the end, President Bartlet triumphed with a decisive 82 percent of the vote, or 24,050 votes. There were still fond memories enough of Dana Carvey's George H.W. Bush impression to award him second place, with 17 percent of the vote.
Dana Carvey's agent, Ron Hofmann, happens to also have represented John Spencer - who played Bartlet's Chief of Staff - until his passing. Count Hofmann as another vote. "[Bartlet] was a great character," he said. "I heard so often how people wished he was our president."
How did Sheen do it? "He was fair, empathetic and dignified," says Wells. "Martin made us believe that Bartlet cared more about us and about the nation than Bartlet's personal ambitions. He made us believe in our country and our democracy."
"SciGirls" (10:30 a.m., WYCC): This new series hopes to inspire tweens to get into science, technology, engineering and math. This season the girls study dolphins, make a giant mechanical puppet, and design high-tech fashion.
"Survivors" (7 p.m., BBC America): A flu epidemic spreads around the world, killing about 99 percent of the population. The survivors include Max Beesley (Mariah Carey's love interest in "Glitter," although he probably wouldn't appreciate me mentioning it.)
"Kick Buttowski, Suburban Daredevil" (8:45 p.m., Disney XD): The Flash-animation series starts with the ultimate challenge: a steep hill.
"Bill Maher: But I'm Not Wrong" (9 p.m., HBO): Warning -- his stand-up routine might get a little political.
"Berserk" (10 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): If only Joan Crawford had been in a circus in real life. A killer's on the loose in this 1967 schlockfest. "Watch for her trampy employee, Diana Dors-- who was married to 'Family Feud' host Richard Dawson," advises Svengoolie.
SUNDAY
"The Amazing Race 16" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2):I couldn't be more excited. Chicago's Jeff Schroeder has been cast with his "Big Brother" showmantic partner, Jordan Lloyd.
"The Simpsons" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Marge and Homer try out for the Olympic curling team. With a Bob Costas voice cameo.
"Undercover Boss" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Hooters president Coby G. Brooks goes undercover. This should be good.
"How to Make It in America" (9 p.m., HBO): A series about two guys trying to make it in the New York fashion scene, with a great cast: Bryan Greenberg, Victor Rasuk, Luis Guzman, Lake Bell, Kid Cudi, Martha Plimpton, Shannyn Sossamon and Eddie Kaye Thomas. Mark Wahlberg is producing? I'm in.
The purpose of the Olympic Opening Ceremonies is to instill pride in the hosting country, to entice tourists to travel there, and to give everyone a chance to wave teeny flags.
But the festive mood was marred by the death of Georgian athlete Nodar Kumaritashvili, who luged for the last time on Friday on a tragic test run.
Also sobering: NBC's airing of the new "We Are the World" charity video. Despite some plucky footage of Haitian children dancing on ruins, it was clear that they wouldn't have anything to celebrate for a long time. And how is it possible that there was a place in the chorus for Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls, not to mention Chicago's own Vince Vaughn, but no room for Bruce Springsteen? I would have settled for a Cyndi Lauper.
The Canadian Tourism Board then aired relentless images of mountains, fireplaces, "swerving coastlines" and more mountains.
The main lesson I took from this: Canada is very, very cold.
The floor show was dramatic, with a stage seemingly inspired by Superman's Ice Fortress of Solitude. After a respectful nod to Canada's aboriginal cultures, the world's athletes were welcomed by a line of overdressed go-go dancers: They wore white turtlenecks and quilted-down-skirts. The U.S. team's knit moose hats may start a trend, but I don't think we'll be seeing knockoffs of those parka skirts anytime soon.
Having native Donald Sutherland recite poetry was an elegant touch, but I think many viewers might have preferred son Kiefer's rasp. Plus he would have lent an air of danger to the proceedings.
Bryan Adams's duet with Nelly Furtado was certainly earnest, and the songs by k.d. lang, Joni Mitchell and Sarah McLachlan were lovely. But I couldn't help thinking of all the other famous, talented Canadians who would have made the atmosphere a bit more electric. My wish list, in order:
"Winter Olympics: Opening Ceremony" (6:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): More than 2,500 athletes from more than 80 countries are expected to be in the live parade. Most intriguing, though, is the world premiere of the video for "We Are the World." Can Vince Vaughn sing? Afterward: Leap right into the competition with normal-hill qualifying ski jumping.
"Spider-Man 2.1" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Enjoy a bonus eight minutes from the original cut of Sam Raimi's sequel, and try to imagine who will be replacing Tobey Maguire for the next installment. I like Joseph Gordon-Levitt for it, or Michael Cera - although I would not object to a Jonas brother.
"Pay It Off" (7 p.m., BET): Contestants try for up to $25,000 to help pay down debt.
"Famous Crime Scene" (8 p.m., VH1): "CSI," what have ye wrought? VH1 investigates the 1996 shooting of Tupac Shakur. I'm kind of looking forward to the reenactments.
"Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): The two-hour premiere is set in Samoa, where Evil Russell will face off with Evil Richard. And Boston Rob - I've missed you.
"The Vampire Diaries" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): The gang tries to open the mysterious tomb where they believe Katherine has been for 145 years. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.
"30 Rock" (8:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Jon Hamm, Jon Bon Jovi and Elizabeth Banks guest-star. Banks must be a big TV fan; she was on "Modern Family" not too long ago.
"In Performance at the White House: Music of the Civil Rights Era" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): The singers include Natalie Cole, Bob Dylan, Jennifer Hudson, John Mellencamp, Smokey Robinson, Seal and the Howard University Choir.
Group Night is the most pointless part of the "American Idol" process.
There's only one winner, after all. Since when is it befitting a pop star to play well with others? If the judges were scoring the contestants on how cheesy they can be while filming car commercials, that would make more sense. Or if the singers can effectively lip-sync their way through a group performance -- that would be useful.
Instead, Group Night deteriorates into a choreographed dance of psychological warfare and forgotten lyrics.
Which is not to say that it isn't entertaining.
"I know I'm not meant to be in no group," opined Jermaine Sellers of Joliet. "I'm not." Nonetheless, his rendition of "Carry On My Wayward Son" got him through to the next round, along with Jeff Goldford of Chicago.
Angela Martin of Chicago made the cut, too, as the field of 96 was narrowed to 71. Charity Vance, the Arkansas girl who auditioned in Chicago, impressed the judges with her take on Beyonce's "Irreplaceable."
Michael "Big Mike" Lynche, whose wife was in labor, updated us on exactly how dilated she was in between rehearsals. Good news on both fronts: He's moving onto the next round - and it's a girl.
"A Charlie Brown Valentine" (7 p.m. on WLS-Channel 7): Find out why teachers make sure ALL kids get Valentines these days.
"Faces of America With Henry Louis Gates Jr." (8 p.m. on WTTW-Channel 11): A four-part series unearthing the family histories of prominent Americans, beginning with Yo-Yo Ma, Kristi Yamaguchi and Mike Nichols. Coming up: Mario Batali, Stephen Colbert, Louise Erdrich, Eva Longoria, Dr. Oz and more.
"CSI: NY" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Antonio Sabato Jr. and Danica Patrick, together at last, in a race-themed murder mystery.
"Friday Night Lights" (DirecTV): Lucky DirecTV subscribers get to see the season four finale tonight. The rest of us will have to wait until the episodes begin airing on NBC April 30.
"The Robert Verdi Show" (9 p.m., Logo): The style expert has an unusual ambition: He would like to become a popular cartoon character.
It almost sounds like . . . a Disney movie. A Midwestern girl gets discovered at a hair salon, catapulted into an acting career, and must learn to balance her freshman year at Hinsdale Central with filming in Los Angeles.
Danielle Campbell has Chicago's Buzz Salon to thank for her teen stardom.
"I tagged along with my mom when she went to get her hair cut, and an agent approached my mom," says Campbell. "They asked me to audition for an agency - and then I booked a Build-a-Bear Workshop commercial."
Now 15, Campbell has hit the big time: The Disney Channel is relentlessly promoting her new movie "StarStruck" with billboards and commercials. It airs Sunday at 7 p.m. She plays a Midwestern girl who visits L.A. and meets cute with Disney heartthrob Sterling Knight - he hits her in the face with a door. (Then she throws up.)
It was nothing short of delightful to see Ellen Degeneres behind the judges' table, for one simple reason: We don't know what she's going to say.
For the first night of "American Idol's" Hollywood round, we didn't hear her plugging her own songs like Kara, or sticking to the same three words like Randy, or babbling about sunshine and love like Paula.
"Don't frighten your audience," Ellen told the overconfident Skiibowski. "Sexy and scary, it's a fine line."
I was wondering how they'd handle the alleged tension between Simon Cowell and Ellen Degeneres. (There were reports that Simon arrived an hour for the first day of taping, and Ellen insisted they start without him, and then he was disgruntled, and it's just now occurring to me that it could have been Simon behind all the gossip just to boost ratings, because he is an evil genius.)
At any rate, an Everyjudge-looking Ellen arrived in a jeans jacket and said quietly to Simon, "So this is it, huh? I come on, you leave?"
And then they laughed. Tensely.
Already with the funny! Ellen told "Skiibowski," "Sexy and scary, it's a fine line." So true.
Scary but true: While many companies offer sick leave, maternity leave and paternity leave, there is still no official recognition for reality-show leave. Our bachelor Jake learned this the hard way when Ali, one of the final four, told him she'd been gone too long and had to choose between him and her job.
Ali chose her job. It was the right decision, I'd say -- in any economy.
You'll remember that Chicago's Ed Swiderski faced the same problem last year when Jillian Harris was "The Bachelorette." Ultimately, he kept the job and got the girl.
"American Idol" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): It's Ellen Degeneres's first night judging the Hollywood round. In the words of Le Ann Womack, Ellen, I hope you dance.
"Venom in Vegas" (7 p.m., Animal Planet): A venom expert lives for 10 days in a glass enclosure with a variety of deadly snakes. I'll pass, but it may be for you.
"The Biggest Loser: Couples" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): The contestants learn to train like Olympic athletes in Colorado.
"The Jay Leno Show" (9 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Bid adieu to prime-time Jay. His guests include Ashton Kutcher and "Precious's" Gabourey Sidibe, along with Bob
Costas for "10 @ 10."
"Rock Docs: Soul Train: The Hippest Trip in America" (midnight, VH1): A rerun of "Soul Train's" 40th birthday, with Snoop Dogg, Aretha Franklin, Patti LaBelle, Chaka Khan, Smokey Robinson and Clive Davis.
'Past Life'
Two-and-a-half stars
8 p.m. Tuesday on WFLD-Channel 32
There's no way to just stick a toe in "Past Life." You are required to jump head-first into this reincarnation/crime series, and to accept without question the following:
1. We've all been here before.
2. We've got memories of those past lives.
3. Sometimes when "our souls are in conflict," those memories surface.
4. To make those memories stop, we must confront them and "reset the natural balance."
It helps that the rules are explained by Kelli Giddish, who plays a lovely blonde with a soothing tone who reminds us every few minutes that she has a PhD. in something. In the first episode, she probes why a 14-year-old boy keeps glimpsing the memories of a young murdered girl.
"The Black List: Volume Three" (7:30 p.m., HBO): Elvis Mitchell interviews Whoopi Goldberg, Beverly Johnson, United Negro College Fund president Michael Lomax and more.
"Heroes" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): This season's finale finds Claire and Noah trapped underground, fighting for air. Since this could be the show's last episode, it seems like an apt metaphor.
"American Experience: The Bombing of Germany" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): The bombing of military and industrial targets during WWII gave way to attacks on civilian centers.
"NFL Full Contact" (9 p.m., truTV): This documentary series starts off with a behind-the-scenes look at the 2009 Pittsburgh season opener. Tim McGraw and the Black Eyed Peas give a pregame concert.
"CSI: Miami" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Miami, we have a problem . . . a passenger is murdered aboard a private space shuttle.
"Temple Grandin" (7 p.m., HBO): Claire Danes tries for an Emmy with this three-star portrayal of an autistic woman who so identified with cattle that she became a leading authority on how to treat them humanely. Inventive graphics give you an idea of how her brain works; she connects pictures in her head. Julia Ormond is excellent as Temple's mother, who refused to have her institutionalized.
"Zapped!" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): Revisit the Scott Baio classic, in which he uses his telekinetic powers to make girls' sweaters burst open. Svengoolie promises to parody a Harry Belafonte song - because "Baio," of course, rhymes with "Day-O!"
"Saturday Night Live" (10:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Ashton Kutcher hosts, with musical guests Them Crooked Vultures.
SUNDAY
"The Toilet Bowl" (6 a.m. on HGTV): The third annual marathon of home-improvement shows.
"Law & Order: SVU" marathon (10 a.m. on USA): Until 10 p.m.
"Super Bowl XLIV" (5:25 p.m. on WBBM-Channel 2): Don't forget to watch! The Who plays halftime.
"Undercover Boss" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): A three-and-a-half-star reality show in which the head of Waste Management goes undercover to see what it's like to work the lowliest jobs in his company - including cleaning out the Porta Potties at a carnival grounds.
"Puppy Bowl VI" (2 p.m., Animal Planet): Try to resist adopting a critter after you watch puppies cavort with bunnies cheering them on. The halftime show is put on by kittens. If you miss it the first time, don't worry; it repeats endlessly.
"Celebrity Fit Club" is television's answer to those irresistible magazine articles where stars share the "secrets" of their dramatic weight loss. The secrets always turn out to be: a) eating right, and b) exercising. Then six months later, the stars have gained it all back and give interviews urging us to embrace our curves.
It's exhausting. Mentally, I mean.
But "The Biggest Loser," with its inspirational theme song, gets the viewers, while "Celebrity Fit Club" sweats to get our attention. VH1 hasn't yet managed to lure a Janet Jackson or a Mariah Carey to their boot camp -- who wouldn't want to watch a certified diva vomiting after the obstacle course? Instead, in season one we had to settle for the requisite Baldwin brother (Daniel) and Wendy Kaufman, the Snapple Lady.
But the series, now in its seventh season, has determinedly limped along. Its ever-growing number of alumni are best known for three things:
"The View" (10 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): Sherri Shepherd shares her "butt-blaster" workout, in the hopes of achieving something fuller and firmer.
"The Electric Company" (5 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): LL Cool J and the NBA's Dwight Howard help celebrate the second season. Also coming up: "Corey in the House" star Kyle Massey, John Leguizamo, Monique Coleman and ... Sherri Shepherd.
"20/20" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Barbara Walters interviews South Carolina's first lady, Jenny Sanford, who hasn't had much luck with men.
"The Edge of Never" (7 p.m., Showtime): In this documentary, extreme skier Kyle Petersen attempts to finish the same run where his father died, on a mountain called "The Needle of the Noon Soon" in the French Alps.
"Numb3rs" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Marilu Henner and the Greatest American Hero, William Katt, guest star.
'Undercover Boss'
Three and a half stars
9 p.m. Sunday on WBBM-Channel 2
"Extreme times call for extreme measures," say the ads for this show, and CBS is showing extreme confidence in it - airing it after the Super Bowl. Smart move. The impressive premiere will probably be even more touching after a few rounds of beer.
The idea for the series: A CEO will go undercover each week in his or her own company to find out what it's like to work even the lowliest jobs. First up: The president and COO of Waste Management, a Fortune 200 company.
It takes a few minutes to suspend disbelief - I mean, would a guy his age even get a shot at an entry-level job? - but Larry O'Donnell is extremely sympathetic. His wife is age-appropriate, his daughter is brain-damaged, and O'Donnell has the humility to spend a day spearing trash on the side of a hill while a patronizing supervisor barks at him to go faster.
It's possible that you saw Danny Pudi in Chicago's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It's also possible that you didn't realize it. The local actor, who plays the thoroughly original Abed on NBC's "Community," has learned to keep his newfound fame in perspective.
"We're not like a huge show like 'Glee,'" admits Pudi, calling from the set.
Nonetheless, riding in a hometown parade should have been a triumphant return. "They put me in a cream-colored Volvo with two signs," he says. "One said, 'Volvo of Lisle,' and the other said 'Danny Pudi of "Community." I think a lot of people assumed I was the owner of the Volvo dealership. Or maybe just a member of the community at large who had somehow won this contest.
"Most people were clapping for the Volvo, which is fine."
It takes a lot to stand out in an ensemble cast that includes Joel McHale and Chevy Chase, but awkward pop-culture savant Abed is difficult to forget. In the pilot episode, Abed recited Judd Nelson's impassioned monologue from "The Breakfast Club." He has also krumped, tap-danced, predicted the future, and mastered a killer Christian-Bale-as-Batman impersonation.
"Surviving Survivor" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Warm up with a preview of "Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains," and catch up with old pals Richard Hatch, Jerri Manthey, Colby Donaldson and more - including my favorite, Parvati Shallow.
"The Office" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Kathy Bates begins a guest stint as the CEO of the company that buys out Dunder Mifflin. Promisingly, Erin and Andy write her a welcome song.
"Fringe" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Get your "Fringe" fix while you can; this is the last new episode until April.
"Super Bowl Fan Jam 2010" (8 p.m., VH1): Rihanna, Justin Bieber, Nelly Furtado, Timbaland and Keri Hilson perform in South Beach, Fla.
"Important Things With Demetri Martin" (9 p.m., Comedy Central): It's the second season for the dorkalicious comedian's sketch/variety show.
'The Sarah Silverman Program'
Two and a half stars
9:30 p.m. Thursday on Comedy Central
You know what our society really needs? More taboos. I never thought I'd say that - but that was before I saw the third-season premiere of "The Sarah Silverman Program."
There came a point, as Silverman was singing a ballad about a detached baby penis, that I wondered if maybe she had crossed the line into "offensive." But you have to admire the comedian's fearlessness. And despite her best efforts (self-deprecating jokes about facial hair; unflattering cargo pants), Silverman is adorable. If anyone can get away with hermaphrodite humor, it's her.
She goofs off in her sitcom with her real-life sister, Laura, incorporating as many musical numbers as possible - and what may be the only unattractive gay couple on TV (Brian Posehn and Steve Agee). Whether Silverman is digging up a grave or taking over a children's show, the result is gross, juvenile, vulgar, dorky and bizarre. You'll laugh, but you may not like yourself for it.
"Super Bowl's Greatest Commercials" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): For those of us who watch strictly for the ads, this special boils it down to 10 of the best - with viewers voting for No. 1.
"Mercy" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): James Van Der Beek ("Dawson's Creek") joins the cast as the new head of the ICU. My favorite part: His name is Dr. Joe Briggs. We don't see enough shout-outs to Joe Bob Briggs in primetime.
"Launch My Line" (8 p.m., Bravo): Season finale.
"Shear Genius" (9 p.m., Bravo): Matthew McConaughey's honey, Camila Alves, takes over as host - but I already miss Jaclyn Smith, not to mention Rene Fris (the pretty man who used to coo in a Danish accent, "Go shake it!").
"Man Vs. Food Live" (8 p.m., Travel): The charming Adam Richman will attempt to eat a 48-oz. steak in real time at Shula's in Miami. I do not condone this.
Good evening! How did you think of today: As Groundhog Day, Election Day, or "LOST DAY"!?!
I don't think I know any Groundhog Day-ers.
It's been too long, waiting for this final season; it had totally slipped my mind to obsess about the numbers. I'll start now.
Please note: My favorite "Lost" expert, Erika Olson, has reported on her trip to Hawaii for the premiere on her blog here. I see also that there is a Facebook group devoted to an Erika Olson: Erika Olson, you are the reason I bother to breathe. I'm not sure if it's the same Erika Olson, but I want to join just the same.
As I'm watching the recap, it occurs to me that I would like I would like Benjamin Linus to narrate the miniseries of my life. Not Michael Emerson - I want him in character as Ben.
I'll keep updating the blog on the jump. Please share your thoughts in the comments section!
"Lost: Final Chapter" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): A one-hour crash course on the Island, and then the two-hour premiere of the last season.
"American Idol" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Victoria Beckham guest-judges auditions in Denver.
"The Biggest Loser" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): The blue and yellow teams, who have been trying to lose weight at home, try to get back into the competition - and preempt Jay Leno.
"Frontline" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): An overview of how the internet and technology has turned us into a Digital Nation. Most intriguing: a visit to a convention for online fantasy game players.
"The Michael Vick Project" (9 p.m., BET): A new series that follows the ex-con as he tries to rehabilitate his image. May I suggest "The Tiger Woods Project"?
"BET Honors" (8 p.m., BET): The awards show, taped Jan. 16, features performances by Jennifer Hudson and Mary J. Blige.
"RuPaul's Drag Race" (8 p.m., Logo): Another 12 drag queens vie for the title of "America's Next Drag Superstar" with an inspired challenge: After a "Gone With the Wind" photo session, they must create a gown using curtains. Judges include Kathy Griffin and "Project Runway's" Santino Rice.
"Kell on Earth" (9 p.m., Bravo): Yes, "The City" has spawned a spinoff. P.R. maven Kelly Cutrone tries to organize two shows for Fashion Week while being a single mother.
"Disappeared" (9 p.m., Investigation Discovery): Buffalo Grove teen Lee Cutler vanished in 2007 on the way to work. Did he commit suicide - or try to join the Israeli army? The family is hoping for fresh leads.
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