Please know in advance that I do not necessarily consider "the worst" of anything to be a bad thing. For instance, you couldn't classify "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" as "good." Yet my favorite TV memory of 2009 was of an irate, wild-eyed Teresa toppling a table and shrieking an insult equally vicious and redundant: "Prostitution whore!"
Now compare that with its illegitimate MTV cousin, the reviled "Jersey Shore." Just plain painful, yes? Not even list-worthy.
If I may paraphrase the Shangri-Las' "Give Him a Great Big Kiss," there's good-bad, and then there's evil.
The following shows were so offensively unenjoyable that Satan could have exec-produced.
"POV: Patti Smith Dream of Life" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): The Sun-Times' Mary Houlihan gave this three stars when it played the Music Box last year. It was filmed over 11 years, and includes plenty of performances.
"The Real World: DC" (9 p.m., MTV): Is it too much to hope that there are no young Republican orgies?
"Happy New Year, Charlie Brown" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): He rings in 1986 with a vigorous reading of War and Peace - didn't we all?
"The Imploders" (9 p.m., TLC): It's to not like a series that follows a family as they travel all over the country, imploding dilapidated buildings. First up: a 10-story tower in Phoenix.
"MANswers" (9:30 p.m., Spike): A concern regarding flatulence; what a steamroller can do to a body; animal masturbation.
"Rudolph's Shiny New Year" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Red Skelton, Frank Gorshin and Morey Amsterdam are just a few of the sexy names involved in this non-Christmas special.
"Kennedy Center Honors" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Honorees include Mel Brooks, Dave Brubeck, Grace Bmbry, Robert De Niro and Bruce Springsteen. The bigger question: Who will crash the party?
"One Big Happy Family" (8 p.m., TLC): Each of the Coles family weighs more than 300 pounds. They're happy because Jillian Michaels hasn't been brought in to yell at them yet.
"Better Off Ted" (8:30 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Veronica's (Portia Rossi's) magician lover Mordor is back!
"Tabatha's Salon Takeover" (9 p.m., Bravo): She takes command of the Chicago Male salon, contending with an absentee owner, and inefficient manager and unprofessional staffers. Horrors!
"Cake Boss" (4 p.m., TLC): Exactly what I don't need: A "Cake Boss" marathon. I can taste the fondant already.
"Community" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Exactly what I need: a "Community" marathon. The more Abed, the better.
"100 Most Shocking Music Moments" (8 p.m., VH1): Before you commit, please realize that this is a five-night event, and Kanye West grabbing the microphone from Taylor Swift probably won't make the first evening.
"American Masters: Louisa May Alcott" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Well, this sounds promising. "I don't enjoy writing moral pap for the young," grouses the actress playing her. "I do it because it pays well." Apparently lurid pulp fiction also pays well, which she wrote under a pseudonym.
"Men of a Certain Age" (9 p.m., TNT): Give this new series a shot, especially considering that Ray Romano chooses to dine with his bookie over Penelope Ann Miller.
"Dirty Dancing" (11 a.m., TV Guide Channel): When it comes to Patrick Swayze marathons, I'd prefer "North and South," but that's just me.
"'Til Death" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): I'm not saying they're burning off four episodes in a row, but it's difficult to find a new audience on Christmas night.
'80 all the time (5:40 p.m., Encore): A group of young filmmakers conduct a poignant search for director John Hughes - a year before his untimely death - in a documentary that also includes appearances by Kevin Smith, Ally Sheedy, Judd Nelson, Andrew McCarthy, Alan Ruck, Kelly LeBrock, Justin Henry, Roger Ebert, Jason Reitman and Richard Roeper. After that, Cyndi Lauper hosts "The Breakfast Club" at 7 p.m., "Sixteen Candles" at 8:40 p.m., "Weird Science" by 10:15, and let's hope by then you've passed out.
"Deadliest Catch" (8 a.m., Discovery): The marathon kicks off with a typhoon, and stories of a sunken ship.
"Star Wars" (6 p.m., Spike): The marathon begins with Episode II: "Attack of the Clones."
"It's a Wonderful Life" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Don't be deceived by the title.
"A Christmas Story" marathon (7 p.m., TBS): Fun fact - little Ralphie, Peter Billingsley, acted in and produced 2008's "Iron Man."
"Pawn Stars" (7 p.m., History): Sit yourself down for an endless array of goodies with this marathon: an airplane propeller that might be linked to Charles Lindbergh; and a young man claims he has a key chain that belonged to Willie Nelson.
"Bozo, Gar & Ray: WGN TV Classics" (9:30 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Yes, this special includes "Hardrock, Coco and Joe."
"Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation"The boys work on turning the city of Danville into an enormous thank you card for Santa Claus
Monday at 12:20 p.m.
Repeating Tuesday at 6:15 p.m., Wednesday at 6:15 p.m. Thursday at 8:45 p.m.
Bow, chicka, bow-wow
That's what my baby says
Mow, mow, mow
And my heart starts pumpin'
Chicka, chicka, chew-op
Never gonna stop
Gitchi-gitchi-goo means that I love you
That was the song that grabbed the interest of Disney executives, 16 years after its creators started shopping around the cartoon "Phineas and Ferb." In the episode, the stepbrothers write a meaningless pop tune, hit the top of the charts, hear the song translated into Muzak, break up, get back together for a reunion performance, and then break up again forever. All in 11 minutes. With two more subplots going on.
"Everyone liked it, but seemed to worry that it was too complicated for kids to follow," says Jeff "Swampy Marsh," who worked on it with Dan Povenmire, a fellow layout artist on "The Simpsons."
But Disney got it, and wanted to complicate things more.
"One of the execs said, 'I love that song! Can you write one for every episode?'"
"I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Featuring Linus and Lucy's little brother, ReRun, and Snoopy's desert-dwelling brother Spike.
"Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe" (8 p.m., ABC Family): I'm still trying to get past the idea of Paul Sorvino as Santa, but apparentlyhe wants to retire and have daughter Mary (Jenny McCarthy) take over, with the added complication of a disgruntled former elf.
"Dance in America: San Francisco Ballet's 'Nutcracker'" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Kristi Yamaguchi introduces the classic, set in 1915 during the Panama Pacific International Exhibition.
"Holiday Inn" (9:30 p.m., AMC): Bing Crosby, Fred Astaire, and "White Christmas." Did you know that the Holiday Inn hotel chain took its name from this film?
"ABC World News" (10 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Diane Sawyer's debut.
"The Three Gifts" (7 p.m., Hallmark): Dean Cain plays a cynic who takes in three trouble-making orphan boys. Aw.
"WWE Tribute to the Troops" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): President Barack Obama sends his good wishes, along with Gen. David Petraus. It's the WWE's seventh annual trip to the Mideast.
"Monster from a Prehistoric Planet" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): A wealthy jerk kidnaps a tiny island monster to play with, but the baby's bigger, meaner parents want him back - and they trash Tokyo, as long as they're making the trip anyway.
"Michael McDonald -- This Christmas: A Soundstage Event" (10 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Filmed in Chicago.
"Saturday Night Live" (10:30, WMAQ-Channel 5): The eclectic James Franco hosts - he's starred in everything from "James Dean" to "Spider-Man" to "General Hospital."
"Tapioca" (12:30 a.m. on WTTW-Channel 11): Chicago's Mike Houlihan recruited Ben Vereen, Tim Kazurinsky, David Pasquesi and just about every member of his family for this film, which debuted at the Park City Film Music Festival in Utah.
"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" (1 a.m., Me-TV): Svengoolie's annual screening of tiny, green Pia Zadora, presented in the miracle of "Svensurround."
SUNDAY
"Survivor: Samoa" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): The finale, followed by the cast reunion. I always love to see what they look like fed.
"The Gigantic World of Epics" (7 p.m., TCM): Before the pictures got small, there was Cecil B. DeMille ("The Ten Commandments, "The Greatest Show on Earth) and David Lean ("Lawrence of Arabia," "The Bridge on the River Kwai"). Supersize-that popcorn.
"Kendra" (8 p.m., E!): The former Playmate prepares for playdates with her new baby.
"Saturday Night Live Presents: A Very Gilly Christmas" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Despite appearances by Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, I fear this will not be an insta-classic.
"Survivor: Samoa" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): In the second-to-last episode, uberplayer Russell will hypnotize Jeff Probst into giving him his hat. (No, not really. But he could.)
"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): The team investigates just who is the man in the red shirt.
"Make No Little Plans: Daniel Burnham and the American City" (8 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Burnham helped build the Rookery and the Monadnock buildings in Chicago, and directed construction of the World's Colombian Exposition in Chicago.
"Raising the Barre: The Homer Bryant Story" (10 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): A profile of the founder and artistic director of the Chicago Multi-Cultural Dance Center.
"Disney Prep & Landing" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): A repeat of the new insta-classic that aired earlier this month. It's about an elf (voice of Dave Foley) who is part of an elite unit that gets houses ready for Santa's arrival.
"So You Think You Can Dance" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The live season finale will feature performances by Jennifer Lopez, Mary J. Blige, Adam Lambert, Leona Lewis and the intriguingly named Groovaloos.
"CSI: NY" (9 p.m. WBBM-Channel 2): Talking about setting the bar high. Both Kim Kardashian and Vanessa Millo guest-star, and musical group Train performs.
"The Jay Leno Show" (9 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): John Mayer, who is doing his part for the planet and has sworn off dating, will perform.
"Nip/Tuck" (9 p.m., FX): How this for an ethical dilemma: Should a plastic surgeon remove excess fat from a prisoner awaiting execution?
"A Charlie Brown Christmas" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The hour also includes a series of holiday-themed shorts called "Charlie Brown Christmas Tales." Snoopy, Linus, Sally and Lucy each get their own storyline. Not to complain, but - why not Pigpen?
"Dirty Jobs" (8 p.m., Discovery): Investigate a cow with a hole in his stomach at Arkansas State University.
"Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The irascible chef invites us to make steak Diane with him. This sounds very, very dangerous to me.
"Elf" (8 p.m., USA): Can we officially call the Will Ferrell adventure a classic now?
"Arrested Development" (8 p.m., Independent Film Channel): It's the holidays, and you have no excuse not to catch up on the genius of the Bluth family. Guest-starring "Inside the Actors Studio's" James Lipton.
"Good Morning America" (7 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): We get to wake up to George Stephanopoulos first thing in the morning. I'm hoping for bedhead.
"Jennifer Hudson: I'll Be Home for Christmas" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): She sings "O Holy Night," and debuts with Michael Buble on "Baby It's Cold Outside."
"The Sing-Off" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): It's the first of a four-night a cappella competition. A hint as to the quality? It's hosted by Nick Lachey, and The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger sits in judgment. Would love a cameo from "The Office's" Andy Bernard and his group Here Comes Treble.
"Bank of Hollywood" (9 p.m., E!): There are humiliating ways of making money, and then there's begging from the likes of Candy Spelling.
"Vampire Diaries" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 7): A weeklong marathon of the other bloody white meat.
"Christmas in Canaan" (7 p.m., Hallmark): Billy Ray Cyrus CUT HIS HAIR - you heard me, CUT HIS HAIR - for this movie based on a Kenny Rogers book about a wounded puppy.
"Ghost Intervention" (8 p.m., TLC): Four more psychic mediums travel the country to investigate supernatural claims, starting with a home in Massachusetts. Are there any untelevised mediums left?
"Death Race 2000" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): When this movie was made in 1975, the year 2000 was hard to imagine. Roger Corman imagined it as a place where you could get points for hitting pedestrians with your car. Svengoolie takes you on a journey with John Carradine's son David, Sylvester Stallone, and even "Love Boat's" Gopher (Fred Grandy) as "Herman the German."
"Saturday Night Live" (10:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Taylor Latner, who is unofficially dating Taylor Swift, who also recently hosted "SNL," hosts. He's frequently shirtless in the popular "Twilight."
SUNDAY
"The People Speak" (7 p.m., History): Matt Damon and Josh Brolin tried for 10 years to get this history lesson made, based on Howard Zinn's book of American letters, diaries and speeches. Also with Viggo Mortensen, Marisa Tomei and Kerry Washington.
"I Dreamed a Dream: The Susan Boyle Story" (7 p.m., TV Guide): I am surprisingly susceptible to the TV Guide Channel's original programming.
"Dexter" (8 p.m., Showtime): Season finale. It'll be difficult to find another evil killer who can outcreep this season's John Lithgow.
"Keeping Up With the Kardashians" (11 p.m., E!): The start of the fourth season. Somehow it seems wrong that this airs on a Sunday, doesn't it?
"Good Morning America" (7 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): Jennifer Hudson performs on Diane Sawyer's last show.
"Yes, Virginia" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): How can you be sure that Santa Claus is real? You ask a newspaper, of course. With the voices of Neil Patrick Harris, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Alfred Molina.
"Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation" (7 p.m., Disney): The oddly-shaped brothers try to spread holiday cheer throughout Danville, but Doofenshmirtz's Naughty-inator may stymie their efforts. Afterward, Selena Gomez and the Scene debut the music video for the new song "Naturally."
"Great Performances: Andrea Bocelli & David Foster" (7:30 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): With Mary J. Blige, Natalie Cole, Reba McEntire, the Mormoan Tabernacle Choir and the requisite Muppets.
"Ugly Betty" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The fabudrama has been on fire lately, with fake deaths, exotic locations, and cheap shots at Anne Heche. See for yourself.
"The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty" Two and a half stars
8 p.m. Sunday on A&E
The timing is certainly interesting. Last January, four of the Jackson 5 - Jackie, Tito, Jermaine and Marlon - started filming a reality series that would document the 40th reunion album for the Jackson 5.
Was Michael Jackson on board? Presumably, although he's never on camera and seemed to have plenty going on with his own concert tour. Then again, he came through in 1984 for his brothers with the Victory tour, even recruiting Mick Jagger for their hit "State of Shock." (I still have my single.)
But on June 25, everything changed when Michael died. We don't see any of the family learning of the news, or exclusive footage from the memorial, or the brothers at all until they've had a month to mourn.
And that's the frustrating part of this six-episode series. It just scratches at the surface of an epic story. I am as fascinated by anything Jackson as I am with anything Kennedy - or Baldwin, when it comes down to it. For better or worse, these are our royal families. And the Jacksons certainly think of themselves as royalty; Michael named TWO of his kids Prince, Jermaine named his son Jermajesty, and it's the rare jacket or hat that doesn't bear a royal crest.
"Survivor: Samoa" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Evil, idol-finding Russell and mullet-rocking Shambo are still in the game. Let us give thanks.
"Community" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Continuing the "Breakfast Club" theme, Anthony Michael Hall guest-stars as . . . a bully. I am officially beginning a campaign to entice Emilio Estevez to guest star.
"Stossel" (7 p.m., Fox Business Network): The debut of John Stossel's new weekly program, focusing on libertarian and economic issues.
"Bones" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): A failed bank robbery ends with a man dressed as Santa Claus blowing himself up.
"Andre Rieu: Live in Dresden" (7:30 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): He conducts the Johann Strauss Orchestra. My dad loves this guy.
"30 Rock" (8:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Jack (Alec Baldwin) finds his former school sweetheart (Julianna Moore) on a social network website. Will he Super-Poke her? Will she Super-Poke back?
"The New Adventures of Old Christine" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Cult favorite Amy Sedaris guest-stars, and Michaela Watkins returns.
"Psychic Hollywood: The Search for the Truth" (7 p.m., E!): Yes, Alana Stewart attempts to contact the late Farrah Fawcett, but I'm really intrigued by what supernatural force is causing Bachelorette Trista Sutter's son to kick and hit her. The Baby Whisperer, Derek Ogilvie, will reveal all.
"Glee" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Eve guest-stars again for the last episode until April.
"Barbara Walters Special: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Tyler Perry, Sarah Palin, Brett Favre, Jenny Sanford, Lady Gaga, Kate Gosselin, Adam Lambert, Glenn Beck, Michael Jackson's children. . . and one mystery guest.
"Top Chef" (9 p.m, Bravo): Sibling rivalry could get awfully raucous tonight, when the winner is announced. Will the Voltaggio brothers turn on each other, or will they team up and attack the other finalist, Kevin Gillespie?
"Moises Rules!" (4 p.m., Disney XD): Moises Arias, who plays the diminutive Rico on "Hannah Montana," gets his own sports spinoff, challenging kids to finger football and so on.
"The Biggest Loser" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): The live season finale.
"A Charlie Brown Christmas" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): President Obama's speech bumped Chuck from the schedule last week. Let's see if the football gets pulled away from him again.
"Better Off Ted" (8:30 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The fizzy three-star comedy about a research-and-development company is back, a reminder that dirty jokes are even funnier in science-speak. Bonus: Taye Diggs guest-stars.
"Outer Space Astronauts" (8:30 p.m., SyFy): This new animated series features the heads of real actors, goofy wigs and fake mustaches. This is presumably what it would be like if NASA recruited slackers.
"Alice"
Three stars
8 p.m. Sunday and Monday on SyFy
SyFy's modern-day sequel to "Alice in Wonderland" makes it clear from the start that we are dealing with a very different creature than Disney's hair-bowed version. The first three things we learn about Alice are:
*She is an adult brunette.
*She is a kick-ass martial arts instructor.
*She has some commitment issues.
She's also never been to Wonderland. Thoroughly modern Alice has been busy dating a rather chiseled looking prince of a guy with an English accent (Philip Winchester), but when he tries to give her a ring that's been in his family for a long time - the movie is sponsored by Kay Jewelers! - she sends him away.
But the tricky guy has slipped the ring in her pocket. Alice runs after him to return it, and sees him abducted into a white van. Long story short - she runs right through the looking glass.
"Steven Seagal: Lawman"
Two stars
9 p.m. Wednesday on A&E
It's not unprecedented, of course. President Nixon made Elvis a Federal Agent-at-Large in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs, and he had the badge to show for it. So it probably shouldn't come as a surprise that Steven Seagan has been a deputy sheriff for 20 years. It may even be a trend; Shaquille O'Neal is currently applying to become a special deputy in Ohio.
Now we get to ride along with Seagal as he surveys the mean streets of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, with his trademark squint. Nobody giggles when he calls a suspect "brutha." In fact, he appears to be something of a god in these parts. "I've been doing martial arts for 40 years," he says - many times. Of a man resisting arrest, he notes, "This gentleman is not a very good zen practitioner."
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