"Real World/Road Rules Challenge" (9 p.m., MTV): Season 18 (!) opens in Thailand, with previous "Challenge" champions pitted against the perennial losers.
"First In" (9 p.m., BET): In a new reality series that follows firefighters and paramedics in Compton, Calif., our heroes look for survivors after a small plane crashes into a home. Tyrese Gibson narrates.
"Ghost Hunters" (8 p.m., SyFy): Honorary ghostbuster Meat Loaf guests on an episode titled "A Bat Out of Hell," investigating an allegedly haunted island in Thousand Islands, N.Y.
"Eastwick" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Fans tell me I should give this new series a second chance.
"True Hollywood Story" (9 p.m., E!): The theme is "Rock Daughters," and Dennis DeYoung's lovely daughter Carrie Ann is included. Also: Kristiana DeBarge of "Goodbye" fame. No, Janet Jackson was not her mother.
'The Middle'Three and a half stars
7:30 p.m. Wednesday on WLS-Channel 7
Much is being made of the fact that sitcom pros Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton, who starred together in the failed "Back to You," are now starring in back-to-back shows. Maybe the idea was to divide and conquer. But in this war, Heaton is the only winner.
With crotchety Len Goodman absent, the scores were startlingly high in the second week. Guest judge Baz Luhrmann, the auteur behind "Moulin Rouge," is a generous man. Two teams scored straight 9's: Aaron Carter's and Mya's. Did they deserve it?
In Carter's case, it's hard to say. There were just too many distractions during his quickstep to the "Muppet Show" theme. No, that wasn't a misprint. Both Gonzo and Animal made appearances, and partner Karina Smirnoff got some of that attention she craves in a sequined bra and voluminous feather skirt. I won't even get into the green tuxedo. Judge Bruno Tonioli called Carter a "mini Fred Astaire." Their score: 27 out of 30.
Pop star Mya was electric with a jazzy jive, pushing around partner Dmitry Chaplin with authority. It was another score of 27, with Tonioli gushing, "It was like seeing Josephine Baker and Clark Kent."
Luhrmann was an entertaining addition, at one point noting Michael Irvin's impressive tonguework. But once again, Tom DeLay stole the show. He nearly dropped partner Cheryl Burke at the end because he wasn't using his "gut," according to Carrie Ann Inaba.
"You gotta squeeze 'em together, sir," she advised. Tom Bergeron noted, "I don't think historically that's been his problem."
I was tempted to adopt the team known as "The Hot Guys," but I think I'm going to go with the Harlem Globetrotters, strictly on the basis of their names: Flight Time and Big Easy. Their teammates' names include Bam Bam, Bear, Buckets, Blenda, Buckets, Bull and Bones. (Those are just the B's.) I couldn't find a Globetrotters name generator online, but I like "Downtown" for myself, or something involving the word "hack."
The Globetrotters must have a new publicist. This year alone, they've appeared on "Hell's Kitchen," "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" and "The Bachelorette." I enjoyed the idea of having Harlem Globetrotters advise you on your love life. Kind of like having Ellen Degeneres judge on "American Idol."
Globetrotters trivia, according to Wikipedia:
*They were created in 1926 on the South Side of Chicago, but they thought having "Harlem" in the name would create more mystique.
*Honorary Globetrotters include Pope John Paul II, Nelson Mandela, Henry Kissinger, Jesse Jackson and Whoopi Goldberg.
*Magic Johnson and Wilt Chamberlain were both once Globetrotters.
What's your Globetrotter name? And which "Amazing Race" contestants will disgrace themselves with the most distinction?
'Trauma'
Three stars
8 p.m. Monday on WMAQ-Channel 5
If it's true that you can't look away from a car crash, this new show should do very well. "Trauma" starts with a bang - a spectacularly horrific helicopter collision in San Francisco. (I suppose you could also count the sex scene inside the ambulance with a paramedic known as "Naughty Nancy," but let's not be crass.)
One year later, a team of emergency medical technicians struggle to come to grips with the tragedy, as well as the everyday fallout of their jobs. Racing to the kinds of gruesome accident scenes that any sane person would run away from takes its toll.
Derek Luke ("Antwone Fisher") plays a family man trying not to bring his grief home. Anastasia Griffith ("Damages") is magnetic as a tough Tatum O'Neal lookalike. And Cliff Curtis ("Whale Rider") struts around as Rabbit, a rebel helicopter pilot.
"Trauma" is determined to shock and awe, and it succeeds. Warning: There are some serious gross-out moments. But the biggest surprise is the last scene, which is quiet and affecting. After all the numbingly high-adrenaline action, you might be surprised to feel some real emotion.
How do I articulate my love for "Dexter" without revealing myself to be a horrible person? I don't ordinarily enjoy watching unpleasant characters - and Dexter, after all, KILLS PEOPLE, with something approaching glee - and yet I consider him one of my best fictional friends.
Friends are not perfect. They borrow your sweater and return it all stretched out, or post embarrassing Facebook pictures of you. You forgive friends. Dexter, for instance, might be late for drinks one night because he's misplaced severed body parts. But you don't mind, because you like the guy. That Dexter!
He's back for a fourth season, and he's been missed. The series is as compulsively watchable as ever, with Dexter's marriage, stepchildren, newborn son and stifling suburban life complicating his leisure time. How's a guy supposed to stalk his next victim with the neighborhood watch on the alert?
Brothers
One star
7 p.m. Friday on WFLD-Channel 32
The Cleveland Show
Three stars
7:30 p.m. Sunday on WFLD-Channel 32
To be honest, I was hoping it would be Stewie who'd make a break for it. I'd like to see Seth MacFarlane's demonic baby finally crowned dictator of at least the tri-state area, if not the world. But this "Family Guy" spinoff doesn't focus on Stewie, or the talking dog, or perma-bachelor Quagmire, or even Mayor Adam West. It's Cleveland Brown -- the mild-mannered deli owner who would be voted least likely to succeed-- who's movin' on up.
"What the hell? He's getting his own show?" grouses Stewie in the first episode. Indeed.
'FlashForward'
Three and a half stars
7 p.m. Thursday on WLS-Channel 7
A good TV show isn't just something you watch. You obsess about it.
You compare notes on it the next day at work. You quote it. You research its references. You visit its fan message boards, and possibly even assemble video montages of highlights.
A good TV show disrupts your life.
"FlashForward" wants to be that show, and I applaud its ambition. ABC knows that "Lost" is coming up on its last season, and it wants to ease the transition for you with this sci-fi grand mystery series. On the basis of one episode, it's hard to say whether it will live up to its promise. But there is promise.
"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Jorja Fox returns in tonight's episode to help out Laurence Fishburne and the gang. A producer insists that her character is still with Grissom - but there are no scheduled appearances for William Petersen.
"Grey's Anatomy" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Steel yourself for an emotional two-hour goodbye to George, and some signature surprises as people react in strange ways to his death. At the hospital, life goes on. Sample dialogue: "We can reattach these arms."
"The Mentalist" (9 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): "Oz's" (and Chicago's) Terry Kinney joins the series to head the search for serial killer Red John, who killed Patrick Jane's family. Kinney plays a former mentor to Robin Tunney's Lisbon - a mentor with benefits, that is - and they share a dark secret.
Eastwick
Two and a half stars
9 p.m. Wednesday on WLS-Channel 7
It's probably redundant to say that "Eastwick" isn't very original, considering that it's based on the movie "The Witches of Eastwick," which was based on the John Updike novel. Even the series isn't particularly fresh; there have been two earlier tries, in 1992 and 2002 - and that last adaptation boasted a cast that included Marcia Cross.
"Eastwick," in fact, feels like a combination of Cross's "Desperate Housewives" and "9 to 5," both of which already did it better. "Eastwick" is outdated on arrival. The show looks gorgeous, invoking a picturesque, small-town Salem that practically sparkles. The actors are good, the writing's fine, and it's pleasant enough to watch. It's just that it all adds up to a series of pale imitations.
"The Good Wife" (9 p.m. Tuesday, WBBM-Channel 2): Three and a half stars. Julianna Margulies seethes under the surface as Alicia, a political wife humiliated by her Cook County state's attorney husband (Chris Noth). He's in jail after dalliances with prostitutes and charges of corruption. (Unfortunately, the toe-sucking was caught on videotape.) She goes back to work as a defense attorney, with Christine Baranski as a prickly mentor, Josh Charles as a dishy colleague, and Archie Panjabi ("Bend It Like Beckham") as the law firm's investigator. Alicia's cases are intriguing, and the background drama would be melodramatic if it weren't such a common story these days.
"The Forgotten" (9 p.m. Tuesday, WLS-Channel 7): One and a half stars. Such excellent intentions - and such insipid viewing. Jerry Bruckheimer shines a dim light on a network of volunteers who work to put a name to the 40,000 unidentified remains in the United States. Christian Slater plays a former police officer whose 8-year-old daughter was kidnapped. He works through his grief by helping other families get closure. His real-life counterparts are no doubt inspiring people, but the self-congratulatory tone of the show grates. There's not a lot of action, unless you count handing out flyers. And relying on voice-overs from the dead victims? That's just unforgiveable.
'Mercy'
Two stars
7 p.m. Wednesday on WMAQ-Channel 5
It's not fair to punish "Mercy" for not being "Nurse Jackie." But "Mercy" would be in critical condition even if there weren't a glut of nurse shows. I like newcomer Taylor Schilling as an Iraq vet trying to adjust to the relative normalcy of emergency work. Anne Heche's hubby, "Men in Trees'" James Tupper, is McDreamy as the war fling who follows her home. But any effective moments are outweighed by thumpingly obvious sentimentality, hospital stereotypes, and undignified "girl talk." With Michelle Trachtenberg as the shiny new intern.
'Cougar Town'
Two stars
8:30 p.m. Wednesday on WLS-Channel 7
There are some funny moments in this series about a newly divorced mother - Courteney Cox is that good - but it's hard to care about someone who comes off as so desperate and so ... well, stupid. She wasted the first part of her life on a marriage to a hot loser, and it looks like she'll be wasting what's left of her firm years on hot YOUNG losers. Is that a step up? I am mortified for her teen son. At least Cox has excellent backup: Busy Philipps ("ER") is always a hoot when she plays a bad girl, and Christa Miller ("Scrubs") provides sarcastic commentary as a bored married pal.
'Modern Family'
Four stars
8 p.m. Wednesday on WLS-Channel 7
This fast-paced mockumentary perfectly captures the experience of parenthood: chaotic and embarrassing. For all involved. The camera bounces from a May-December marriage with Ed O'Neill and Sofia Vergara, a "traditional" family headed by "Ed's" Julie Bowen, and a gay couple who have adopted a baby. Ty Burrell is a standout as a father determined to relate to his kids. When his teenage daughter brings a boy home, he says, "Let me meet this playa." Daaaaaad!
'NCIS: LA'Three stars
8 p.m. Tuesday on WBBM-Channel 2
Like the fast-food chains that link the country, television franchises are occupying more space on the schedule. At any given millisecond, you can find some version of "CSI," "Law & Order" or "The Real Housewives."
The shows are comfortingly familiar. And they are smothering our brains the same way that grease clogs our arteries.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining. Especially not with the debut of "NCIS: LA," an extension of the two episodes that guest-starred Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J on the original "NCIS" (which was itself a spinoff of "JAG").
"How I Met Your Mother," "Two and a Half Men," "The Big Bang Theory," "CSI: Miami" (starting at 7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Season premieres.
"Heroes" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): In the fifth season premiere, Claire adjusts to college life. How time flies.
"House" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The crotchety doctor detoxes in the two-hour premiere.
"Accidentally on Purpose" (7:30 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): If you've missed Jenna Elfman on the airwaves, you're in luck.
"Dancing With the Stars," "Castle" (7 and 9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Season premieres.
"Greek" (8 p.m., ABC Family): Casey supervises a non-alcohol party night during a campus Dry Weekend. I don't remember those.
"Phineas and Ferb" (9 p.m., Disney): Jennifer Grey guest-voices on this excellent series about two boys, their incredible engineering skills, and their undercover platypus. I could not be more excited.
"Georgia O'Keeffe" (8 p.m., Lifetime): Joan Allen stars as the artist in this new biopic about her relationship with photographer Alfred Stieglitz (Jeremy Irons).
"Dirty Dancing" (7 p.m., ABC Family): You could also mourn Patrick Swayze by watching "Ghost" at 5:30 p.m. on Lifetime, but I prefer Johnny Castle.
"Point Break" (7:10 p.m., Encore Retro): Hold on -- "Dirty Dancing" or "Point Break"? Classic Sophie's choice. Flip back and forth.
"Village of the Giants" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): Svengoolie explains, "Little Ron Howard invents 'goo' that makes Beau Bridges and some well-upholstered gals grow." I am intrigued.
"Road House" (9 p.m., Spike): God, it's going to be a good night.
SUNDAY
"61st Primetime Emmys Awards" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): With Jeremy Piven out of the running for supporting actor, will host Neil Patrick Harris win for "How I Met Your Mother"?
"Holy Grail in America" (7 p.m., History Channel): Shopping for a new conspiracy theory? The Kensington Runestone, discovered in 1989 in Minnesota, could be evidence that the Knights Templar came to America long before Columbus.
"Drop Dead Diva" (8 p.m., Lifetime): An embarrassment of guest-star riches: Liza Minnelli, Delta Burke and Rosie O'Donnell. Take that, "VH1 Divas"!
"Bored to Death," "Curb Your Enthusiasm" (8 and 8:30 p.m., HBO): Jason Schwartzman and Larry David play two of the funniest malcontents on TV.
"Antonio Project" (9 p.m., HGTV): Antonio Ballatore, the season four winner of "Design Star," remodels his own home in five days. Not to be confused with "My Antonio" with Antonio Sabato Jr. at 9 p.m. on VH1.
Curb Your Enthusiasm
8 p.m. Sunday on HBO
Three stars
Bored to Death
8:30 p.m. Sunday on HBO
Three stars
On Sunday nights, HBO has cornered the market on shows about people you would never be friends with.
Larry David is beginning his seventh season on "Curb Your Enthusiasm," and yes, it's awe-inspiring to think that there is no end in sight to this man's petty complaints. You've probably already made up your mind about Larry, and whether you can tolerate him in your circle of fictional acquaintances. Like the tuba music that starts the show, I can take Larry in small doses. But a "Curb Your Enthusiasm" marathon could spark a suicide epidemic.
"The Guiding Light" (9 a.m., WBBM-Channel 2): It's the last episode for the 72-year-old soap (if you count its radio incarnation). Say goodbye to the Bauers, the Spauldings, the Lewises and the Coopers. Reva, I miss you already.
"Oprah Winfrey" (9 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): New book-club selection! Also: Mariah Carey, Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa.
"The Troop" (7 p.m., Nickelodeon): In this new series, three teenagers belong to an ancient secret society that protects people by taking on the paranormal. First up: a crotchety tree monster with a vendetta against the student council.
"The Suite Life on Deck" (7:30 p.m., Disney): The boys cruise to Thailand. Has there ever been a Thailand-themed plot that didn't culminate in prison time?
"Crash" (9 p.m., Starz): Season two begins for the movie-inspired series. Dennis Hopper and Eric Roberts chew the scenery with relish in this two-and-a-half-star episode.
"Saturday Night Live Weekend Update Thursday," "Parks & Recreation" (7 and 7:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Amy Poehler pulls double duty. "Parks" still isn't as good as I'd like it to be - two-and-a-half stars - but I feel inappropriate affection for the characters.
"Bones," "Fringe" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Season premieres! How's Booth's post-surgery brain? And will Leonard Nimoy be back?
"The Office" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Season premiere. Happily, no one has been laid off from this three-and-a-half-star series. Where were we? Jim and Pam are expecting a baby, Michael is spreading false gossip, and Andy is questioning his sexuality.
"VH1 Divas" (8 p.m., VH1): Paula Abdul continues to try to make "American Idol" jealous, hosting Jennifer Hudson, Adele, Kelly Clarkson, Miley Cyrus and more.
"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (9 p.m., FX): Season premiere. Ironically, "Sunny" is darkly funny, with Danny DeVito presiding over a barroom of cynical slackers.
"Oprah Winfrey" (9 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): She remembers Michael Jackson.
"America's Got Talent" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): And we can prove it with this season finale. Also: performances by Susan Boyle, Shakira, Leona Lewis, Rascal Flatts and Cirque du Soleil. Interestingly, not many of them are American.
"America's Next Top Model" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Reality starlet/designer/author/Avon spokeswoman Lauren Conrad judges tonight as Tyra teaches the girl to - say it with me - "smile with your eyes."
"Crash Course" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Follow the family "Wipeout" hour with this heartwarming reckless driving contest. Challenges include "car bowling" and "roof slide."
"Dark Blue" (9 p.m., TNT): Season finale! Could Dylan McDermott's Carter be the culprit in an undercover officer's murder? And will they let him wear those snazzy aviators in prison?
"The Biggest Loser" (7 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): New season! Watch for Julio, 40, the son of Cuban immigrants who lives in Algonquin.
"Ruby & the Rockits" (7:30 p.m., ABC Family): At last, Shirley Jones joins sons David and Patrick Cassidy as a guest starring grandma. Can she play crotchety?
"Big Brother 11" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Season finale! No, I don't really care either, but there's the chance that Chicago's Jeff Schroeder could still win a consolation prize from his panting fans.
"Melrose Place" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Could Ashlee Simpson's Violet be hiding something? Something evil? Let's hope so -- and that she's punished, pronto.
"P.O.V." (9:30 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): The principal of Chicago's Henry H. Nash Elementary school is profiled, along with the principal from a school in Springfield.
'The Beautiful Life: TBL'
Two and a half stars
8 p.m. Wednesday, WGN-Channel 9
I admit my mind wandered during some of the catwalk montages in this new
model-odrama -- it was a constant battle, reminding myself not to overthink
things. For instance:
Does Zac Posen really say "Sublime!" and "Wowee"?
Would a model actually get a standing ovation for, you know, walking in one
direction and then turning around?
How long before the intended audience figures out what "TBL" stands for?
Thinking has no place in "The Beautiful Life," where stripping down is just
part of the job, models are nobody unless everybody hates them, and it's all
over by age 21. The most difficult thing they will ever be asked to do is to
pronounce "Lacroix."
"Oprah Winfrey" (9 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): Her interview with Whitney Houston - the one that made the singer hoarse! -- continues Tuesday.
"The View" (10 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): Kate Gosselin co-hosts.
"One Tree Hill" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Season premiere.
"Lincoln Heights" (7 p.m., ABC Family): Season premiere.
"Gossip Girl" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Season premiere.
"The Jay Leno Show" (9 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): At last. Jay's first show will feature Jerry Seinfeld, Jay-Z, Kanye West, Rihanna and "Headlines."
"Eddie Griffin: Going for Broke" (9 p.m., VH1): The comedian has eight children and five exes, and his financial situation is a mess. His mom moves in with him to be the "strong woman" in his life - the same lady who once tried to run him over with her car to make a point.
"Cops" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The season 22 premiere boasts a flipped vehicle.
"America's Most Wanted" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The 23rd season premiere. Take that, "Cops."
"Sit Down, Shut Up" (11 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The voices of Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Will Forte and Henry Winkler will soon fade off into the sunset.
"From Justin to Kelly" (7:30 p.m., WPWR-Channel 50): Don't laugh. It's not all that different from "High School Musical." Kelly Clarkson must be so proud.
"Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?" (8 p.m., Lifetime): I am going to promote every airing of this Tori Spelling movie until every last one of you has seen it.
"The Four Skulls of Jonathan Drake" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): In the words of Svengoolie, the 1959 movie is about "a family curse involving missing heads, skulls, shrunken heads and a South American Indian with his mouth stitched up like a varsity football."
SUNDAY
"The MTV Video Music Awards" (8 p.m., MTV): Russell Brand hosts once again, and with Britney Spears nominated for seven awards, the potential for wardrobe malfunctions is limitless.
"King of the Hill" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The last two episodes of the beloved series. Will Bobby's increasing interest in meat cuts bring him closer to Hank?
"Drop Dead Diva" (8 p.m., Lifetime): Paula Abdul begins that backup career with an appearance on this fun series.
"Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins" (6 p.m., Cartoon Network): How did the Scooby gang get together? You know you've always wondered. Shocker: In this live-action movie, Fred is a brunet.
"True Blood," "Hung" (8 p.m., 9 p.m., HBO): Season finales.
"Ben 10: Alien Force" (7:30 p.m., Cartoon Network): Evil, squidlike alien Vilgax faces off with scrappy Ben to decide who will rule the Earth. I'm not sure who I'd vote for, actually.
"Phineas and Ferb" (8 p.m., Disney): The boys build a giant robotic platypus butt to hatch an egg.
"E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial" (8:15 p.m., HBO Family): Fun Fact No. 1: Michael Jackson bought one of the E.T. puppets. Fun Fact No. 2: Juliette Lewis auditioned for the role of Gertie. Now she and Drew Barrymore are co-starring in the upcoming roller derby extravaganza "Whip It."
"20/20" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): At last, Barbara Walters gives us a glimpse of La Toya Jackson's heartbreak. Sadly, La Toya doesn't rate the whole hour.
'The Vampire Diaries'Two stars
7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9
Somewhere, somehow, somebody has invented a computer program to predict the most effective way to pander to teens. A heroine who looks like a cross between Megan Fox and an anorexic Kardashian? Check. Dead parents fantasy? Check. Easy-to-read book-series tie-in? Check. Slasher deaths during a beer blast in the woods? Check. Tortured romance with hot vampire? Check. Wait, let's just make it a vampire love triangle and be done with it.
The CW knows what it's doing.
And since there's no "Twilight" movie in theaters right now, there's no point in resisting this prefab filler.
"The Tyra Banks Show" (4 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): The always-groundbreaking Tyra devotes the entire hour to menstruation, including a candid discussion about her "harrowing" experience with tampons.
"So You Think You Can Dance" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Let the hoofing begin!
"Glee" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The three-and-a-half-star second episode continues its noble tradition of delightfully inappropriate musical numbers with Kanye West's "Golddigger."
"Families Stand Together: Feeling Secure in Tough Times" (8 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Understanding the recession with the help of a Muppet family. Sometimes I feel like they're programming just for me.
"Your Life, Your Money" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Donald Faison ("Scrubs" and, fittingly, "Clueless") hosts a special with advice for young adults, including a recent college graduate starting out in Chicago.
'America's Next Top Model'
Three stars
7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9
I'm sure there are quite a few people who still look to Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and Dr. Pinsky for their daily helping of self-help. But to be honest, I don't know any. The straight-talking doctors have been usurped by style sultans Tim Gunn, Isaac Mizrahi, and the Jays of "America's Next Top Model." These men are part guru, part god. There is no higher achievement than pleasing them.
Tyra Banks, of course, rules imperiously over them all. And for the 13th cycle of her reality juggernaut, she has magnanimously reached out to the underprivileged: beauties who have fallen short of the ideal at 5-foot-7 and under.
"The View" (10 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): A brand-new set will have to make up for Elisabeth Hasselbeck's absence; she's on maternity leave until October.
"Get Schooled: You Have the Right" (7 p.m., BET, MTV, VH1, CMT, Comedy Central, Spike and Nickelodeon): Three young people talk about dream jobs working with Kelly Clarkson, LeBron James and President Obama.
"90210" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): Season two opener. The persecution of Annie (Shenae Grimes) continues, much to my delight.
"Melrose Place" (8 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): It feels just like coming home - except that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is there. In overalls.
"America's Got Talent" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Chicago dance troupe FootworKINGz struts its stuff.
"Sons of Anarchy" (9 p.m., FX): This biker soap features the considerable talents of Kate Sagal, Ron Perlman, Adam Arkin and Henry Rollins. The second season has it all: arms deals, white separatists, and hottie Charlie Hunnam.
Marathons aplenty: You can watch "The Golden Girls" (starting at 7 a.m. on the Hallmark Channel), "Ghost Hunters" (7 a.m. on SyFy), "Dirty Jobs" (8 a.m. on Discovery) and "16 and Pregnant" (10 a.m., MTV). Since it's LABOR Day, MTV might be the most appropriate.
"Dinosaur Train" (8 a.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Yet another marathon. Plunk the kids in front of the television to introduce them to Buddy, a curious T. Rex, and his adoptive Pteranodon family. Will he grow horns? Will he realize that steam engines haven't been invented yet?
"The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant" (8 p.m., HBO): Fired workers reminisce about when people used to buy cars.
There were two "Melrose Places" in the '90s. There was the struggling, earnest first season, when we met Billy and Alison and that nice Mancini couple. Remember when the gang used to hang out at Shooters?
And then there was the wham-bam post-Amanda era, when Aaron Spelling called Heather Locklear in to unleash her inner bitch. Soon, redheads were running roughshod over the apartment complex, setting off bombs, ripping off wigs, etc.
"Imagination Movers" (9 a.m., Disney): The New Orleans-based, jumpsuit-wearing quartet are back for a second season. Here's hoping that Uncle Knit-knots creates a rage for beige.
"Band of Brothers" (6 p.m., Spike): Watch David Schwimmer, Damian Lewis, Ron Livingston and Donnie Wahlberg in a marathon of the miniseries brought to you by HBO, Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg.
"Van Wilder: Freshman Year" (10 p.m., Comedy Central): Original stars Ryan Reynolds and Kal Penn have gone on to bigger and better things (Scarlett Johansson and the Obama administration, respectively), but the franchise has not. Preceded by airings of "Van Wilder" and "Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj."
"At the Movies" (11 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): The Bens have been sent packing. New hosts A.O. Scott (New York Times) and Michael Phillips (Chicago Tribune) take a stab at it.
SUNDAY
"True Blood" (8 p.m., HBO): There's no new "True Blood," "Hung" or "Entourage" episodes this weekend, but you can catch up on the carnage with a triple-rerun dose of vampire drama.
"Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus" (8 p.m., SyFy): Lorenzo Lamas and Debbie Gibson are together at last in this tale of the battle for supremacy of the sea.
"My Antonio" (9 p.m., VH1): The ladies learn to hula and create dance routine that tells a heartfelt story to win the attention of Antonio. Again, we are talking about Sabato Jr., not Banderas.
"The Jerry Lewis Telethon" (10 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): It runs until 7 p.m. Monday, with a break for the Cubs game - of course - at 11:30 a.m. Monday.
"Rambo" double feature (6:46 p.m., Spike): Join Sylvester Stallone's one-man war by watching "First Blood" and then "Rambo: First Blood Part II." It's preceded by the "Sniper" trilogy with Tom Berenger, beginning at 12:37 p.m. If you're man enough.
"Glee" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Producers and stars will tweet along with this rerun of the pilot. To get in on the brief bouts of fun, visit twitter.com/GLEEonFOX.
"Bang for Your Buck" (8:30 p.m., HGTV): What will investing $115,000 in your basement get you? Compare a tavern, a fireplace and a home theater. And then ask yourself: If you had $100K, would you be pouring it into your basement?
"20/20" (9 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Updating a 2008 report on an Amish teenager going through the rite of passage called "rumspringa." Did he stick with the church, or opt for frat house life?
"A Dog Year" (7 p.m., HBO): HBO Jeff Bridges stars as a midlife-crisis-y man who takes in a crazy dog. For those of you who saw "Marley and Me" and thought, "I want more!"
"America's Ballroom Challenge" (8 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Four world-class couples compete in the grand finale.
"Loverboy" (7 p.m., WPWR-Channel 50): This 1989 classic starring Patrick Dempsey (before he grew into his nose) goes up against a "Grey's Anatomy" repeat. The movie is far superior, with Kate Jackson, Kirstie Alley and Carrie Fisher.
"Fringe" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): If it's hard for you to have a thought longer than 140 characters, you'll enjoy this: Tonight's rerun will be accompanied by tweets from the cast and producers, which you can see online and onscreen. Follow along or send questions to twitter.com/FRINGEonFOX.
"Good Morning America" (8 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): Catch footage of the free concert Whitney Houston performed in Central Park yesterday, along with an interview. Hell to the yes!
"Wipeout" (8 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Fear the aqua launch.
"So You Think You Can Dance" (8 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): The 15 fan-favorite dance routines from previous seasons.
"CBS Fall Preview" (8:30 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): The network helpfully introduces you to the new season. Also known as an "infomercial."
"Glee" (9 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Watch the pilot's rerun - the one that originally aired in a plum spot after "American Idol" - and let me know if you love it as much as I do.
"America's Got Talent" (9 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): He's not all pectorals. David Hasselhoff demonstrates the pipes that drive Germany wild on a live episode.
The green movement has never been hotter, and no one's recycling more than television. Witness the dizzying number of "new" television shows that are retreads of earlier successes.
Are the studios going for Generation X nostalgia? Risk-free investments? Or have they officially run out of ideas?
Ratings are not guaranteed, as we learned when the NBC remake of "The Bionic Woman" short-circuited. But the networks are not discouraged. NBC's take on "Parenthood," inspired by the 1989 Ron Howard movie, is still in the works for later in the season. It'll be the second try at an adaptation - a 1990 version starred Leonardo DiCaprio, David Arquette and Thora Birch.
Why did that one fail? Maybe it had something to do with all the recycling that went on that season: Titles included "Working Girl," "Ferris Bueller," "Uncle Buck" and "Baby Talk," which was inspired by "Look Who's Talking."
How will the new crop of retro shows do? Nothing says "déjà vu" like a good old-fashioned cancellation.
"Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern" (8 a.m., Food): Cow udders, bull testicles and barnacles in Chile. Then settle in for a marathon including Tanzania, Trinidad and Tobago -- and Texas.
"NCIS" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Get a taste of the new "NCIS: L.A." with this rerun, when L.L. Cool J and Chris O'Donnell team up with Gibbs and McGee.
"Surviving Disaster" (9 p.m., Spike): This new series is for survivalists and compulsive worriers like myself, who are still waiting for the bird flu to strike. Tonight: What to do if your airplane is hijacked by terrorists.
"Rescue Me" (9 p.m., FX): Season finale, titled "Drink." I have a bad feeling about this.
"P.O.V." (10 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): A history of women and bullfighting, and a profile of two female matadors.
