SATURDAY
"Pirates of the Caribbean" marathon (Noon, USA): Personally, I can't get enough of Johnny Depp acting effeminate.
"Magnificent Mile Lights Festival" (6 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Janet Davies, Hosea Sanders, Alan Krashesky and Deborah Roberts host.
"How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (7 p.m., TBS): How did he do it, again?
"Strait-Jacket" (9 p.m., WCIU-Channel 26): Joan Crawford alert! Svengoolie brings you the tender story of an ax-murderess trying to mend ties with her daughter. Look for 23-year-old Lee Majors' first acting role, as well as plenty of Pepsi product placement.
"Saturday Night Live" (10:30 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who grew up on "Third Rock From the Sun," has the plum comedic opportunity to be following Worst Host Ever January Jones.
SUNDAY
"2009 American Music Awards" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): With a live telecast, whom will Eminem humiliate? Will a hologram accept Michael Jackson's awards? Will Fergie dump her husband in onstage in a speech?
"The Cleveland Show" (7:30 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Daryl Hall and John Oates make voice cameos.
"Cold Case" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): It switches time slots with "Three Rivers," which now airs at 9 p.m. I have no idea what this means, but it has an air of desperation.
"The Next Iron Chef" (8 p.m., Food): Finally, the winner makes the last cut.
"Bill Engvall: Aged and Confused" (8 p.m., Comedy): The family comic, now an empty nester, gripes about his pet peeves.
"The Haunted" (9 p.m., Animal Planet): Apparently, pets are subject to the paranormal, too. In the first episode, candle-shop owners are freaked out by disembodied monkey screeches.
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