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John McCain on NBC's "Saturday Night Live." Tina Fey as Sarah Palin; Ben Affleck hosts

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click below for script


SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN APPEARS ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH THREE DAYS BEFORE
THE ELECTION, TINA FEY RETURNS AS GOV. SARAH PALIN


Host Ben Affleck "Endorses" McCain, Takes Aim At Keith Olbermann, "The View"


New York, NY - November 1, 2008 - With just three days before Election Day,
Senator John McCain appeared on the last live "Saturday Night Live" broadcast
before the election - and received the help of alum and returning favorite Tina
Fey as the Senator's running mate, Gov. Sarah Palin. The show opened with the
McCain-Palin answer to the Obama campaign's primetime "roadblock" infomercial -
a segment on home shopping channel QVC. In addition, Senator McCain appeared on
the show's signature "Weekend Update" segment and discussed some last-minute
radical campaign strategies he may employ to increase his standing in the polls
going into the general election with anchor Seth Meyers.

In addition to special guests McCain and Fey, host Ben Affleck described his
losing record supporting Democratic candidates through the years and determined
that his support has the opposite effect. So in his SNL monologue, Affleck
endorsed McCain.

Affleck also joined in some parody of the media - playing "30 Rock" star Alec
Baldwin as a guest on "The View" comparing co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck (Kristen
Wiig) to his ex-wife Kim Basinger: "in the fact that you are so pretty and so
wrong...I don't know if I want to kiss you or throw you off a cliff." In
addition, Affleck delivered a tour-de-force performance as MSNBC's Keith
Olbermann railing against President Bush as a racist, the McCain campaign as
Nazis and giving an impassioned "Special Comment" about his rejection by a
Manhattan Co-Op board because his cat ("Miss Precious Perfect") is not allowing
under its no-pets policy, likening it to other legal acts like the internment of
Japanese Americans, the Trail of Tears and Jim Crow laws.

Photos from "SNL" are available on www.nbcumv.com and via the Associated Press.
Embeddable video highlights of the show are available at http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/
.

***The transcript of the McCain-Palin QVC sketch follows:

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN - "Good evening, my fellow Americans, I'm John McCain.

TINA FEY AS GOV. SARAH PALIN - "And, you know, I'm just Sarah Palin."

MCCAIN - "The final days of any election are the most essential. This past
Wednesday, Barack Obama purchased airtime on three major networks. We, however,
can only afford QVC."

FEY AS PALIN - "These campaigns sure are expensive. (She strokes the rich
fabric of her jacket's lapel)

MCCAIN - "They sure are. So tonight, we come before you to give you some final
remarks on our campaign."

FEY AS PALIN - "And, as part of our agreement with the QVC folks, we're gonna
try and sell you some stuff."

MCCAIN - "This has been an historic campaign, so why not remember it with our
line of collectible products. Such as ten commemorative plates that celebrates
the ten Town Hall debates between Senator Obama and myself. They're blank, he
wouldn't agree to those debates. Too bad. They're still nice plates.

FEY AS PALIN - "And who wouldn't want the complete set of limited edition 'Joe'
action figures? There's 'Joe the Plumber,' 'Joe Six-Pack,' and my personal
favorite, 'Joe Biden.' If you pull this cord, he talks for forty-five minutes.


(SHE pulls cord)

JASON SUDEIKIS AS SEN. BIDEN (O.C.) -- "I take the Amtrak to work every day.
Then -- after work -- I take it home. Let me tell you something about Joe
Biden..."

MCCAIN - "It's great if you want to clear out a party."

FEY AS PALIN - "Or keep deer out of your yard."

MCCAIN - "But we're not just here to sell products. We're here with a message.
We are at a crossroads in American history. The leadership of the next four
years will have many challenges and I believe my experience and my leadership
will make a difference.

FEY AS PALIN - "Also too - sorry -- I need to remind you that there are just two
minutes left in our 'Washington outsider jewelry extravaganza.'"

MCCAIN - "Are you someone who likes fine jewelry and also respects a politician
who can reach across the aisle? If so, you can't go wrong with McCain Fine
Gold.

(CINDY MCCAIN displays the "McCain Fine Gold" like a game show model)

MCCAIN (CONT'D) - "It commemorates the McCain Feingold Act -- and also looks
great with evening wear. Thank you, Cindy."

FEY AS PALIN - "And what busy hockey mom wouldn't want to freshen up her home
with Sarah Palin's 'Ayers Fresheners.' You plug these into the wall when
something doesn't quite smell quite right. Also too, it's good because it
reminds people about William Ayers."

MCCAIN - "Having trouble cutting through a tough piece of pork? Not anymore,
with John McCain's complete set of pork knives. 'They Cut The Pork Out!'"

FEY AS PALIN - "So instead of going to one of those elite department stores with
their liberal agendas and over-priced items and their gotcha return policies
that violate your First Amendment rights, why not do your holiday shopping with
us? (SHE turns to a different camera) Okay, listen up everybody, I am goin'
rogue right now so keep your voices down. Available now, we got a buncha' these
'Palin in 2012' T-shirts. Just try and wait until after Tuesday to wear 'em
okay? Because I'm not goin' anywhere. And I'm certainly not goin' back to
Alaska. If I'm not goin' to the White House, I'm either runnin' in four years
or I'm gonna be a white Oprah so, you know, I'm good either way."

MCCAIN - "What's going on over there, Sarah?"

FEY AS PALIN - "Oh...just talkin' about taxes." (SHE winks)

MCCAIN - "Look, would I rather be on three major networks? Of course, but I'm a
true maverick -- a Republican without money. And I'm not like my opponent; my
only showbiz connections are Jon Voight and Heidi from 'The Hills.' So, I'm
here on QVC, and like QVC, this campaign promises you three things: quality,
value and convenience."

FEY AS PALIN - "And great deals on juicers."

MCCAIN - "So when you go to the polls on Tuesday remember, 'Country First,' as a
reminder all undergarments are non-refundable and Live from New York, it's
Saturday Night!!!

***McCain's "strategies" for the final days of the campaign from "Weekend Update
follow below:

SETH MEYERS - "With the election only three days away, most polls show Barack
Obama leading John McCain by a slight margin. Here to comment on his campaign
strategy, Senator John McCain."

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN - "Thank you Seth. You know, a lot can happen in three
days. And while I am confident that we will emerge victorious, I'm also
considering a few radical last-minute strategies."

MEYERS - "New strategies, like what?

SEN. MCCAIN - "Well you know how people call me "the maverick"

MEYERS - "Yeah."

SEN. MCCAIN - "Well, I thought I'd try a strategy called the 'Reverse Maverick.'
That's where I do whatever anybody tells me. I don't ask questions - I just go
with the flow. If that doesn't work, I go to the 'Double Maverick.' That's
where I go totally berserker and just freak everybody out. Even the regular
mavericks."

MEYERS - "That doesn't sound like the best strategy."

SEN. MCCAIN - "It isn't. And here's another bad one. It's called 'The Sad
Grandpa.' That's where I get on TV and go, 'C'mon, Obama's gonna have plenty of
chances to be President! It's my turn! Vote for me!'"

MEYERS - "Yeah, I don't know if I'd do that."

SEN. MCCAIN - "Ok, then here's a good one. It's called 'The Charleston.' That's
where I only campaign in Charleston, South Carolina. Really lock it down. Meet
every single resident three or four times. Or how about 'The Forrest Gump.'
That's where I just start jogging across America and eventually everything works
out.

MEYERS - That might work.

SEN. MCCAIN - "Or maybe 'The Rocky IV.' I live alone in the wilderness and pull
a sled through the snow until I'm in peak physical condition."

MEYERS - "How would that help you win an election?"

SEN. MCCAIN - "It won't. But if I ever have to fight Vladimir Putin, I'll be
ready."

MEYERS - "Alright, well if you had to choose one strategy in the remaining days,
what would it be?"

SEN. MCCAIN - "Seth, my basic strategy is the one I've stuck with since I
started this campaign: connect with the voters, talk with them honestly about
the issues, and stand by my record of service to this great country."

MEYERS - "And if that doesn't work?"

SEN. MCCAIN - "Probably the 'Double Maverick.'"

MEYERS - "Senator John McCain everyone!"

4 Comments

My question is how does a candidate for president have time to waste on a show. Is he really that desperate.

Didn't realize Affleck's star had fallen so low that he'd need to make fun of Keith Olbermann for GE's war profiteering network.

MCCAIN DID THE SHOW FOR THE PAYCHECK, HIS WIFE
HAS CUT HIM OFF UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!

MCCAIN CAN YOU HEAR TAPS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND
YOU AND JOE I WANT TO BE A PLUMBER CAN GO
FISHING, IF JOE WILL LET YOU GO!
THE NEXT TIME JOE HANDLES SOME PLUMBERS PUTTY
MCCAIN WILL APPEAR ON SNL AGAIN!

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Lynn Sweet

Lynn Sweet is a columnist and the Washington Bureau Chief for the Chicago Sun-Times.

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This page contains a single entry by Lynn Sweet published on November 2, 2008 1:04 AM.

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