Click below for show transcripts, including SNL Tina Fey as Sarah Palin skit
PRESIDENTIAL PARODY DOMINATES TONIGHT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"
TINA FEY RETURNS, REPRISING HER ROLE AS REPUBLICAN
VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE GOV. SARAH PALIN
"SNL" SATIRIZES FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE WITH SPECIAL GUEST CHRIS PARNELL
New York, NY - September 27, 2008 - Recent Emmy winner Tina Fey returned to
"SNL" tonight to reprise her wildly popular rendition of Republican VP
candidate, Gov. Sarah Palin. The show also featured a parody of last night's
Presidential debate, featuring the return of SNL alum Chris Parnell as moderator
The opening sketch, which featured Amy Poehler as Katie Couric, was billed as
"part four" of Couric's interview with the candidate. Later in the show, "SNL"
took on the first Presidential debate with cast members Fred Armisen and Darrell
Hammond as Senators Obama and McCain as well as a commentary from Hammond's
President Bill Clinton during "Weekend Update" on the criticism that he is not
supporting Barack Obama as fully as he should.
Highlights from the Couric/Palin sketch follow:
POEHLER AS COURIC: "Did you enjoy your week in New York City?"
FEY AS PALIN: "You know I did, Katie, and I wasn't sure I would at first. New
York is, of course, home to the Liberal Media Elite. But Todd and the kids had
a great time goin' to the Central Park, F.A.O. Schwarz and that goofy evolution
POEHLER AS COURIC: "So, sounds like the trip was a success?"
FEY AS PALIN: "Well, there were some funny moments. For instance, I had fifteen
to twenty false alarms when I thought I saw Osama Bin Laden driving a taxi. I
was embarrassed to be wrong but mostly disappointed I wasn't right! Also, in an
effort to bone up on foreign policy I went to the Times Square area to see a
film called, 'The Bush Doctrine.' It was not about politics."
POEHLER AS COURIC: "You went to the UN for the first time. How was that
FEY AS PALIN: "You know, it was just amazing. So many interesting people.
Though I have to say, I was disheartened by how many of them were foreigners. I
promise that when Senator McCain and I are elected, we're gonna get those jobs
back in American hands."
POEHLER AS COURIC: "How did the world leaders you met with, react to you?"
FEY AS PALIN: "They embraced me, Katie. Both figuratively and, a couple of them
Pakistani guys, literally. But they were all so welcoming. Be it from Hamid
Karzai, the President of Afghanistan. Jalal Talabani, the President of Iraq.
Or Bono, the King of Ireland."
POEHLER AS COURIC: "On foreign policy, I want to give you one more chance to
explain your claim that you have foreign policy experience based on Alaska's
proximity to Russia. What did you mean by that?"
FEY AS PALIN: "Well, Alaska and Russia are only separated by a narrow maritime
border. (using her hands to illustrate) You got Alaska here, this right here is
water, and this is Russia. So, we keep an eye on them."
POEHLER AS COURIC: "And how do you do that exactly?"
FEY AS PALIN: "Every morning, when Alaskans wake up, one of the first things
they do, is look outside to see if there are any Russians hanging around. And
if there are, you gotta go up to them and ask, 'What are you doing here?' and if
they can't give you a good reason, it's our responsibility to say, you know,
'Shoo! Get back over there!'
POEHLER AS COURIC: "Senator McCain attempted to shut down his political campaign
this week in order to deal with the economic crisis. What's your opinion of
this potential 700 billion dollar bailout?"
FEY AS PALIN: "Like every American I'm speaking with, we're ill about this.
We're saying, 'Hey, why bail out Fanny and Freddie and not me?' But ultimately
what the bailout does is, help those that are concerned about the healthcare
reform that is needed to help shore up our economy to help...uh...it's gotta be
all about job creation, too. Also, too, shoring up our economy and putting
Fannie and Freddy back on the right track and so healthcare reform and reducing
taxes and reigning in spending...'cause Barack Obama, y'know...has got to
accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans, also, having a dollar
value meal at restaurants. That's gonna help. But one in five jobs being
created today under the umbrella of job creation. That, you know...Also..."
POEHLER AS COURIC: "What lessons have you learned from Iraq and how
specifically, would you spread democracy abroad?"
FEY AS PALIN: "Specifically, we would make every effort possible to spread
democracy abroad to those who want it."
POEHLER AS COURIC: "Yes, but specifically what would you do?"
FEY AS PALIN: "We're gonna promote freedom. Usher in democratic values and
ideals. And fight terror-loving terrorists."
POEHLER AS COURIC: "But again, and not to belabor the point. One specific
(several seconds of FEY and POEHLER staring at each other)
FEY AS PALIN: "Katie, I'd like to use one of my lifelines."
POEHLER AS COURIC: "I'm sorry?"
FEY AS PALIN: "I want to phone a friend."
POEHLER AS COURIC: "You don't have any lifelines."
FEY AS PALIN: "Well in that case I'm gonna just have to get back to you!"
POEHLER AS COURIC: "Forgive me, Mrs. Palin, but is seems to me that when
cornered, you become increasingly adorable. Is that fair to say?"
FEY AS PALIN: "I don't know, is it?" (She gestures 'cutely')
POEHLER AS COURIC: "Governor Palin, is there anything else you'd like to say
other than 'Live from New York, it's Saturday Night?'"
FEY AS PALIN
Yes, Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!
Highlights from "SNL's" take on the first Presidential Debate follow:
After the candidates were introduced by Parnell's Lehrer, who urged them to
"look at one another up to and beyond the point it becomes uncomfortable"
throughout the debate. He then asked first question about the candidates' views
on the financial recovery plan before Congress. After Obama's answer, Hammond's
McCain immediately proposed suspending the campaign.
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN : "Jim, I would like to take this opportunity to make my
opponent a proposal: Effective immediately, each of us suspend our campaigns,
and instead hold a series of three pie-eating contests. Next Tuesday, Kansas
City-lemon meringue. Saturday, Jacksonville-blueberry. The following week, in
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "Senator Obama?"
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Jim, I don't see the value of this. (pause) Maybe the
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "But Senator McCain, what does this have to do with the
issues in this election?"
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Nothing at all, Jim. It's what in my campaign we call
a 'stunt' or a 'gimmick.' Something to shake up the race."
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "That's what it sounds like."
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "That's all it is. A little 'straight talk' there."
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "Still Senator, I would like to hear your position on the
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Jim, what the American people need to understand, and
what Senator Obama does not understand, is that the real problem here is
excessive government spending, especially Congressional earmarks, and
pork-barrel projects. Like this one: 75 million to the Department of Justice,
for a program to notify convicted sex offenders when a child moves into their
neighborhood. I fought that earmark, and got the funding reduced to 41 million.
And how about this? 8.2 million for something called 'Tony Rezko Hush Money.'"
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "John, I withdrew that earmark right after he began
cooperating with prosecutors. And I think you know that."
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, the fact is, to fund all the other programs
you're planning, will require a massive tax increase."
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "John, once again, you're not being truthful about my
proposals. Under my tax plan, not only would every American making less than
$250,000 per year get a tax cut; so would most members of the Chicago City
Council as well as city Building Inspectors. That's because my plan would not
tax income from bribes, kickbacks, shakedowns, embezzlement of government funds,
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "I just thought of something. Senator Obama, why don't
you and I immediately suspend our campaigns, and instead do three town hall
meetings, where we appear nude or semi-nude. I think the American people have a
right to know what their President would look like with no clothes on."
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Look, I'm not comfortable with that, Senator. I have two
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "October 4th, Hartford: completely naked, with optional
posing strap. October 9th, Nashville: see-through body stockings. October
17th, Seattle: modified Chippendales-collar and bowtie, with tear-away tuxedo,
or fringed leather chaps."
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Again, I don't see the point."
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "I think we'll let the two of you work that out. But for
now let's turn to the war in Iraq. Senator Obama, what has this war taught us?"
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Look, as you know, Jim, I opposed this war from the very
beginning, when it was not the politically popular thing to do."
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Yet, Senator, you voted against the 'surge,' a strategy
that I have been arguing for since 1985. Long before anyone even thought of
invading Iraq, I wanted to add more troops, in case we ever did invade."
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "John, think about that for a moment. That doesn't even
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Perhaps not to you, Senator. That's because you're not
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "John, the fact is, the 'surge' was itself a remedy for a
series of failed military policies by this Administration, policies you
initially supported. As you have supported this President 90 percent of the
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Jim, my opponent knows that's not true. I've never
supported President Bush. I have undermined President Bush. Just ask any
Republican: I have always been disloyal to this President, a disloyal,
unreliable, untrustworthy renegade, who has abandoned my Party whenever it most
needed me. The fact is, you simply can't count on John McCain. And that's why,
on November 4th, the American people will elect me their next President."
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "Alright. Now let's turn to the topic of nuclear
proliferation. Senator Obama, you have frequently been critical of this
Administration's efforts to stop Iran and North Korea's nuclear weapons
programs. What would you do differently?"
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "First of all, Jim. I would use traditional diplomacy.
Something this Administration has consistently refused to do. Should that fail,
then, and only then, I would try what I call 'playing the race card.'"
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "And how would that work?"
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Take North Korea. I would ask Kim Jong-Il to shut down
his country's nuclear weapons program. If he declined, I would say to him:
'Alright, I get it. I know why you're really refusing to stop the program.'
And he would say, 'No, what are you talking about?' And I would say, 'It's
because I don't look like all the other Presidents you've dealt with.' Then he
would say, 'Wait. That's not fair. That has nothing to do with it.' And I
would add, 'That's cool, I understand. I'm different. I'm not like the other
guys on the five and ten dollar bills.' It's a long, delicate process. But
eventually, he'll have to give in."
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "And what if he didn't?"
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Then I would try the 'carrot:' dinner with Scarlett
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "Would she agree to have dinner with Kim Jong-Il?"
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "For me she would, yes."
HAMMOND AS SEN. MCCAIN: "Look, my friends. I have no idea who Scarlett
Johansson is. But let me tell you something. No President should ever tell our
enemies what we might do in a negotiation."
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "That's interesting, John. Coming from the guy who sang,
'Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.'"
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Obviously, my opponent doesn't understand. There was a
musical combo called the Beach Boys. Who recorded a song that went
'Bar-bar-bar, bar-Barbara Ann' which sounds like, 'Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb
Iran.' Evidently, he's unaware of that."
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "Okay. I had hoped to explore the candidates' views of
the War on Terror, but we are just about out of time."
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Jim, may I throw out one more offer? My opponent and I
both suspend our campaigns. We're airdropped into Waziristan, and neither of us
comes back until we've found and captured Osama Bin Laden. It's a 'maverick'
move, and it could break this race wide open."
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "I can't. I have a fundraiser at Rob Reiner's."
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "I know it's not the safe thing to do politically. But
if there's any chance of catching Bin Laden, I would rather lose my life than
win an election."
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "Really? You'd rather risk capture by Al Qaeda than
possibly become President?"
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Truthfully, yes. At this point, I don't really care
anymore. I mean it."
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: "And that concludes tonight's debate. I would like to
thank our candidates, our audience and Senator Hillary Clinton who flew down
here just in case Senator McCain didn't show up. I'm sorry it didn't work out.
From all of us here at the Gertrude C. Ford Center, thank you and good night."
"Saturday Night Live" is from SNL Studios in association with Broadway
Video. The creator and executive producer is Lorne Michaels. Steve Higgins
produces. Marci Klein and Mike Shoemaker are producers. Seth Meyers is head
writer. Don Roy King directs.
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