The West Michigan Whitecaps have fired the latest beefy salvo in what seems to now be an annual battle among minor league baseball teams to kill off their fans.
The Detroit Tiger's Single-A affiliate is hawking a $20 cholesterol bonanza, dubbed the 5/3 pounder, for the Fifth Third Bank sponsorship of their ballpark, that features:
5 beef patties
5 slices of cheese
Nearly a cup of chili
"Liberal" doses of salsa and corn chips
All smashed between two 8-inch sesame-seed buns.
Mmm, just like mom used to make, if mom were, you know, the Angel of Death.
But the Whitecaps are hardly the first club to discover the miracle of marketing through gluttony. In fact, we have the Gateway Grizzlies right here in Downstate Sauget that have done more to cull the fan base than maybe any team in the nation.
They've offered such gems as a bacon cheeseburger with Krispy Kreme doughnuts as a bun, deep-fried sliders and Buffalo wing pretzels - no word on what gem they're rol out this season.
Yeah, sure, I'd eat any and all of this after a few (lots) Old Styles. I mean, I'll eat White Castle under those circumstances, too. But why would "normal," everyday fans pony up up to $20 to shovel that slop in? In the summer heat? With kids around?
Would you strap on the feedbag for the fistfuls of meat? Have you tried any of this fare? Tell me if I'm wrong, but I'll stick with Kosher's Best until further notice - or that one-too-many serving of Old Style hits home.
My father named this team. He can also beat up your dad.