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From the Archives: Large Hadron Collider doesn't kill us all; Sports Pros(e), world in tact

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It's cold enough outside to annoy even the most optimistic of Chicagoans, so I thought it'd be a good idea trot out happier news from our archives.

It was mid-September when we had a few days of panic based on End Days predictions surrounding the Large Hadron Collider. Mercifully, those gloom and doom rumors didn't turn out to be true.

So while it may be colder than it ever should be, take heart Chicago. You're still alive and reading inconsequential sports blogs.

The following originally ran Sept. 10:

collidermath.jpgRIght now, I'm worried about Vince Young.

Right now, I'm worried about Lou Piniella's strained vocal cords.

Right now, I'm worried about Paul Konerko's knee.

But one worry that has subsided completely is the fear that the world will be sucked into a black hole. I awoke this morning, alive and breathing. Matter completely in tact.

No, the Large Hadron Collider didn't end human existence when it was switched on. This was a great relief to us here at Sports Pros(e) and most likely to other people as well.

So it is with great excitement and zest for life that we thank you for your continued readership this morning. We really appreciate it.

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They just started circulating the beams.

The collisions (which incidentally scientific consensus says will not cause any sort of danger at all), don't begin until October.

Kyle responds: That's horrible news. Although I knew this, I'm deciding denial is the best way to handle it.

Josh Toth is the greatest man alive. Period. Except maybe micheal phelps.

Well, actually according to the news, and around ten thousand Scientists, it isn't going to kill us.
In the atmosphere, collisions occur around one million times a day, at higher speeds and larger amounts of protons, and nothing happens.
Really all they are trying to do is measure to see if mass is really an outcome from this. I don't know why so many people are worried.

Dr. Strangelove would be interested in this. We have here perhaps the real Doomsday Machine, albeit not yet perfected. If tiny black holes ARE produced by LHC, you can bet the experimentalists, being inquisitive types, will study how they are produced and evaporate and such, and this will prompt some clever young person to calculate the optimum parameters to run the LHC at so as to maximize production, and maximize mass per black hole and therefore maximize time before the black hole evaporates, and will of course tell this to everybody he or she knows. One this becomes known, the J. Robert Oppenheimer or Edward Teller of our era will realize that it may be possible to convert the LHC into yet another weapon of mass destruction, and will hook up with the Curtis LeMay of our era and get the funding necessary to Make It Happen. That is, a machine buried a couple hundred meters under France and Switzerland that can end the world at the turn of a knob or two. Whoever controls those knobs will be able to hold the rest of the world hostage on any issue at all.

For that matter, once the parameters for making large enough black holes are known, then any country or religious bloc with enough money and a few smart guys and gals can design a minimal cost Doomsday Machine of their very own, and hold everybody else hostage. It may cost a whole lot less than the LHC's 8 billion, since most of the technological advances necessary to achieve this machine are already published and accessible to anybody.

Of course, if those computers which control the running of the LHC are connected to the Internet in any way at all, then a good enough hacker anywhere in the world can turn those knobs himself, just to see what will happen.

Kyle responds: You just describe an awesome screenplay.

its really a great work done.everyone should appreciate it rather than considering it a threat or a failure for human life.we should really wait with pleasure for the day when the collision begins,it would really be a landmark.
whatever sir stephen hawkings said is really not (who has discovered the blackholes)shouldnot let down the work done on LHC .he is such a famous name,he should contribute to it rather than having bet over it.

Why are you scared? You should be excited! This is the greatest technological advancement of the human race, I'd say, ever, if it's successful and yields the results that are expected. The human race can not advance without taking risks, it is MORE than worth the risk.

And hey, in the OFF chance a black hole does form and you get caught in it, you'd be instantly turned into anti matter anyways and wouldn't be able to tell the difference :P Your matter would reform and your existence would continue, just in a different form.

Kyle responds: You go first, tell me how it goes.

Hey have lighted beam today and tested successfully. Scientists claim there is no danger at all in this test then why everyone is shouting and creating panic?

Kyle responds: It's what people do.

Hi everybody,

I am personally scared because I don't have to enumerate how many times scientists were completely wrong in their madness! Enough is enough!!!

That also reminds me another experiment I saw that year on British Television, hopefully not yet funded. I mad group of US scientists are planing to explode a nuclear bomb half way to the centre of Earth. The idea is to crack the earth to the very centre in order to release a liquid metal sonde to mesure the earth centre!!! Let's hope they don't get funding at all!!! I am not sure that cracking the earth to the centre is a precise discipline with an atom bomb!!!

I think we have far too much mad scientist than we really need! Someone must stop them before it is too late!

PS. You are welcome to moderate my comment as it can scare people even more..

I bet we'll all live to wear I survived the LHC experiment t-shirts!

Get them at

Yes, there will definately be a black hole. But the black hole will be SO TINY that it will instantly vanish, causing no problem at all. You need a LARGE LARGE mass like a star (sun, whatever), to have enough energy to create a large black hole. it has to be Billions of tonnes before it will make anything remotely dangerous. we just don't have that much stuff laying around on Earth to toss in this machine... That, and it won't fit!! =P

Don't worry everyone! In order to create the big bang, conditions have to exist that make it like the pre-universe before the big bang happened! AND.....Only GOD can do that. Physicist have only been looking at the speck on GOD's toe for the last 100 years. The worst that can happen is they create a fusion or fission explosion then we don't have to worry about them doing this for sometime afterwards!

Ive been reading alot of blogs about this. I dont know too much im not a scientist but i can tell you a few things; its Gods world, all of this could be media just like Y2K and what not, they should have something to turn it off instantly if it goes wrong (common sence), if this is what God planned then let it happen. You cant change Gods plans because we belong to him and so does everything around us. If you dont belive in God. Pick up a bibal. I use to not belive in him as much untill a wonderful family i met actualy read parts of the bibal to me. Point is... ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. Dont bother leaving negative comments to me bcuz i dont care what you think about what i think. Just Pray everyday about anything you want thats Good. Plus i dont think a bunch of scientist would gather and be like "hey guys, you wana end the earth and all man kind uuhhuu uuhuuu" Just think common sence people. You should know how media is too. They do anything to make shit up. Just leave this to the scientists and calm down no need to stress just live happy no matter what.
If You wana be an A-Hole. dont bother. cuz i donnnntttttt careeeeee. just actualy take what i said into concideration.

Kyle responds: Other famous Bibals:
1. Robert Bibal, French actor

dude it will destroy humans!!it could cause the earth gravity to go backwards and if something does go wrong it would toke months to shut down!

The fear is of the unknown. The Mayans devised their own calendar to track time into lifecycles. The human race is frantic about life and too busy spending their time with worry. Evolving our species is more complex than most individuals can comprehend, because their soul is the source of energy propelling their bodily structures. If we manage to restructure the soul and evaporate our body, we would lead our relative existence more towards pure energy. In this scenario, our freedom of though and sense of self-realization would meet the 10th or 11th dimensions.

Picture this; it is Wednesday, December 12, 2012, and you are driving to work on a busy freeway. You are conscious and aware of your surroundings as the operator of a motor vehicle. Cars creeping up side and behind you, moving at the normal speed allowed. The flow of traffic around you is harmonious and fluid. Suddenly, and faster than a blink of an eye, everything around you changes instantly. Your mind’s eye is open and well connected to your consciousness. Everything you ever witnessed before in life, revealed to you at once. You are now able to know everything at once and there is no limitation to what you can achieve.

I like how this sounds and would not mind being there. To be conscious beyond the bodily form and able to control my thoughts would be amazing. I can’t understand why this is such a burden on so many people.

Kyle responds: How much does gas cost in 2012?

god alone knows what happens, it is an expiriment ...sometimes antigravity particles may be produced. what we can do is ,if no predictable dangerousness is there ,then proceed with...and ultimatly if some antigravity prticle is produced let us see how we are with out weight..ok, but the main thing is that if there is some foreseeable dangerous is there then we will have to stop it wellbefore

i hope a micro black hole wont consume me!

I will faithfully check Sports Pros(e) each and every morning to find out if the world still exists.

Kyle responds: I'll hold you to that.

I have some of what "Evolve" is taking please...

The LHC has been shut down since 9 days after start up due to a pretty big malfunction. It will probably start back up next year and then take months to be up to speed. How about you do a little research before you write articles so you don't embarass me for being from Chicago.

Kyle responds: Hmm...if only there were ANY clue this was from September 10th. Would have saved someone a little embarassment..

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This page contains a single entry by Kyle Koster published on December 15, 2008 3:23 PM.

Halcyon childhood moments turn to haymakers all too often at Chuck E. Cheese was the previous entry in this blog.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive end Greg White changes name to Stylez G in an homage to 'Teen Wolf' is the next entry in this blog.

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