Hey guys, kegel party! No, that ain't a joke

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Finally, fellas, we have a solid hope at battling erectile dysfunction that doesn't involve sitting in bathtubs on a mountaintop or dealing with a pesky 4-hour erection. Nope, now all you have to do is squeeze.

And for your inspiration, just drop by a lamaze class sometime.

We're talking Kegel exercises here. Kegels have been around since the '40s as an exercise intended to help pregnant women build up strength in the nether regions to help them push babies out with a minimum of damage to the body. You basically act as if you're peeing, then hold, pee, hold, pee, hold ... until you build up the muscles between the fore and aft to sufficiently carry the load.

Well, men, Kegels aren't just for those pregnant women anymore! Turns out they're being touted by a new host of "experts" to help us tighten up our pubococcygeus - that's the musculature that stretches from the pubic bone to the tail bone and is crucial for such important daily tasks as sexual function and stopping the urine stream.

And here's where the Kegels come in, according to the ad claims, you can increase you sexual health by doing the baby clench - and there's even a special tool to help you do it at work. So, you know, you can be efficiently crotch strengthening while you make the daily widgets.

Doesn't this sound promising?

Performing KegelPad exercises are the same as any workout in the gym. The results are the same when adding resistance to muscular exercise - circulation is increased to supply the muscle tissues with oxygen, resulting in a stronger muscle. In a sense, KegelPad exercises are like doing push-ups for a man's PC muscle. And just like any muscular exercise routine, results can be noticed after several weeks.

All you have to do is slide this handy little tool into your scrotal zone and start squeezing! What could possibly be less intrusive at work than watching you futz with a metal plate shoved into your special area? Very discrete.

So what are you waiting for? Pump this iron and tone that muscle!

So how does one become a yo-yo slinger?

My Grandma bought me a yo-yo when I was nine, being the Canadian I am, I used it as a hockey puck. A year or so later I found a yo-yo in the school yard and it was all downhill from there. I was obsessed for seven years, doing nothing but yo-yoing. I went from talent shows to commercials to street performing. I got burned out after awhile and I quit for three years during high-school. In September 2007 I got a phone call from Chris Mikulin - who just so happened to be starting up a high end yo-yo company - Caribou Lodge Yo-Yo Works - in my home town of Edmonton. He gave me a spot on the team after I reluctantly agreed to meet. Since then, I have placed 5th at the 2008 International Yo-Yo Open in New York and 1st at The Pacific Northwest Regionals in Seattle, Washington.

OK, so being Mr. Bigtime slinger, about how log do you have to work at that to keep at the top of a heap that few people probably even knew existed?

Lahar from Jensen Kimmitt on Vimeo.

I throw anytime I can. I can get in five or ten minutes of practice waiting in line ups, or to cross the street. It all adds up. I probably yo-yo for a total of six hours a day. Some days it's more, some less, but generally I go hard when I want to win a contest.

The sight of a grown man playing with a yo-yo to hip hop music on a street corner could lead to some interesting reactions. How do people usually take it?

I always grab attention. I can gather a crowd anywhere there are people. Most people will stare in amazement. More than once I have seen people walk into doors/other objects while watching me yo-yo. There's always a few haters, but that goes without saying. Most of the time I get respect and complements.

You're also an artist. How does that fit in to your yo-yoing?

In the Blue Corner from Jensen Kimmitt on Vimeo.

I would say I'm more known for yo-yoing, but my drawing, designing and yo-yoing is art. I make up my own trick elements and compose them like a conductor. My strings are more than polyester, they are a visual cello, violin, bass or electric guitar. I draw in elements from yo-yoing and use them on paper to make my art. I generally stick to clean lines and images that people don't usually see, just like in modern yo-yoing. Music, art, life, anything and everything I do is expressed through my yo-yoing.

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    This page contains a single entry by Craig Newman published on April 2, 2009 12:40 PM.

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