Water Music From Big Pink: Gwyneth's Oscar meltdown. Where is she now?
My perennially sage advice on what to do, and not to do, when you win your Oscar (if you lose, you're on your own) is generating a lot of mail at MSN Movies again. An excerpt:
2. Don't Assume That God Voted for You
No incarnation of the Creator of All Things is registered as a member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and nowhere on the Academy ballots is there a category for Best Vessel Through Whom God's Blessings Might Flow. (There remains some question, however, about whether Jesus Christ personally chooses the Grammy winners.) Winning an Oscar does not make you a special agent of God's will or the divine favorite over your fellow nominees -- or, for that matter, over the lepers in your category who must suffer the enduring shame of not even being nominated. (Didn't Jesus say that the un-nominated would inherit the earth?) Do not demean the concept of the Almighty by implying that either you, or the members of the Academy who voted for you, are somehow helping to implement God's Mysterious Plan so that you all can bring about the End Times. Even if it's true, don't. It's just bad form. [...]5. Don't Overprepare (In Other Words: No Lists)
All persons entering the Kodak Theatre should be frisked for 8 1/2-x-11-inch sheets of paper. Nothing larger than a 3-x-5 card should be allowed into the auditorium.... At most, your index card should have three items on it. For example:
1. One-liner jokeRead the full story here.
2. Suck up to X (director, studio exec, casting agent, soon-to-be-ex-spouse -- choose ONE)
3. Thank AcademyAt least when Maureen Stapleton (Best Supporting Actress, "Reds," 1981) proclaimed that she wanted to thank "everybody I ever met in my entire life," she had the decency to refrain from mentioning them by name....
Jim - Read the whole piece and loved it. For the self-indulgent speeches I think of George Clooney. I did so enjoy South Park's "Smug" cloud coming from his speech and hovering over the nation. But recently I saw a great clip on TCM with black actors and film historians chastising Clooney for his self-congratulatory moment when he praised Hollywood for giving Hattie McDaniel an Oscar when most people wouldn't let her sit in the front of the bus. They were perturbed because what Clooney failed to mention (or more likely, didn't know) was that McDaniel was not allowed in the front door of the theatre and was not allowed to sit in the front section with the other nominees. Which is, Oscar or not, despicable. But it shows how clueless most actors are of history and how smug they are about there own and Hollywood's "achievements." He was completely unaware of the rank irony of praising an institution that was engaging in the very things he was scolding. Has the man never seen how black actors were treated in Hollywood for most of the "golden" age? I sincerely hope Clooney never wins another Oscar because I don't think I could take another uninformed, self-congratulatory, ultra-smug speech.
So in the moment of one's greatest accomplishment, when one is supposed to thank those responsible for helping, he should just forget God?
If an actor is supposed to thank those responsible for his being there and winning that award, I think, for a religious sort, the Creator of All Things would qualify.
JE: I'm against reciting listings of all names, whether gods or agents. For that, there are ads in Variety. It's one thing to thank a god, it's another to assign a god credit or responsibility for your win. Only Price-Waterhouse knows how the voters voted.
Last week Dwight Howard thanked God for helping him win the NBA slam dunk contest. That set a pretty low bar as far as divine intervention in earthly activities. Of course Howard got a lot closer to heaven than most other living beings without technological aid (other than expensive shoes.) Maybe God lives on top of the backboard in New Orleans.
Lest I forget anyone, I'd just like to thank everyone. Just everyone. Everyone who has ever existed, ever.
And I wanna thank Satan for holding up his end of the bargain.
Oscar Speech and God. I know it's supposed to be funny -- but it's also ignorant which robs it of the humor it could have. Folks don't thank God for winning so much as for the talent and opportunities for being there.
Good satire requires some love of subject. Mean-spiritedness is easy and cheap -- and that's why #2 on the list is stupid, unoriginal and not funny.
I'm not angry or hurt (for those who don't care -- or those who do) just let down. You're a smart, insightful and great writer.
[Title on screen reads: "Career Ending Moments in Show Business 1962." Dave is at the center-stage podium, holding a statuette.]
Dave: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you, I--I owe this honor to so many people. I--I'd like to thank...I'd like to thank my friend and manager, Ralph Himmelfarb...[cut to Kevin in the wings, clasping his hands graciously]...Thank you, Ralph. Um..um...the producers, Sid and Marty Sidmartinson for having faith in me, uh, thank you...uh, uh, I'd like to thank my director, Derek [kisses hand], I love you! Uh, and, and, and, and, and I'd like to thank Harold Reinhouse for his wonderful script, I'd like to thank him. I'd like to thank Hitler, and, and most of all, I'd like to thank my parents. Mom, Dad, this is for you!
[Dave sniffles and holds back happy tears, then goes blank when he realizes that the crowd is silent.]
Dave: Mom, D-Dad...
[Kevin comes and escorts Dave offstage as music swells.]
Dave: What's wrong with everybody?
Kevin: You thanked Hitler.
Dave: I never!
Kevin: You thanked Hitler!
Dave: Why would I thank Hitler?
Kevin: Hmm, why would you thank Hitler...[rubs his beard]...I don't know!
Dave: I can't believe I thanked Hitler!
[Kevin yanks Dave off-camera.]
I want to see an Oscar Winner just mouth their speech as if there was something wrong with the microphone. Get really into some passionate delivery, but not a sound be heard.
I'd actually tune in to the Oscars just to watch that (or watch it on YouTube.)
Daniel Day-Lewis's speech came across as way over-prepared to me. And that line about knighthood - they're making everyone knights of the realm these days, I don't know what he's so worried about...
Is the "less-is-more" approach just as bad?
I thought Tilda Swinton came off sounding kinda stoned (and not in a good way).
Marketa Irglova showed everyone how it's done.
As Kevin MacDonald and Dave Foley from Kids in the Hall can tell you, try not to thank Hitler.
Disregard previous comment. I see somebody beat me to the reference.
Mental note to self, set alarm clock to wake up earlier.
Sean Penn's speech was particularly ghastly. My favorite was in this years Spirit Awards when best cinematography winner stated he was paid $3,000.00 per week for his work of love and then stated in broken English at the end that all of the "first time directors and young directors making offer of $3,000.00 a week? I can't do that. I can't do that anymore."
Also, I was happy to see David Bowie win best supporting actress
I think Homer Simpson said it best: "Now I have more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined."
Concerning Hattie McDaniel... She received her "Separate but Equal" award because if she had been nominated in the Best Supporting Actress category and had she won, she would have taken the Oscar away from a white woman.
She received her "Separate but Equal" award because if she had been nominated in the Best Supporting Actress category and had she won, she would have taken the Oscar away from a white woman.
What the HELL?! Did I miss something? Was history rewritten while I was in the shower?
Hattie McDaniel won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar, an award she took from FOUR White women. Regardless of how they treated her in Hollywood or at the Oscars, she made history. Let's not take that part away from her. I'm surprised she was even allowed to make a speech (even if it was written by the studio head).
James Baskette won a Special Oscar for Song of the South. McDaniel's Oscar was voted on.