HEADLINE; "Lohan defends herself after arrest
AP, LOS ANGELES (July 24, 2007) -- Lindsay Lohan says she's innocent.This story moved me to write a song, to the tune of "Unforgettable":The 21-year-old actress was arrested and released on bail for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence and with a suspended license, and felony cocaine possession, early Tuesday in Santa Monica, less than two weeks after completing her second trip to rehab.
"I am innocent ... did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy," Lohan wrote in an e-mail to "Access Hollywood" host Billy Bush, the show reported on its Web site Tuesday night.
Police found cocaine in one of Lohan's pockets during a pre-booking search, Sgt. Shane Talbot said. Police initially said Lohan was also being booked for investigation of transporting a narcotic but later said she was not.
Police received a 911 call from the mother of Lohan's former personal assistant saying that Lohan was chasing her in an SUV, said Lt. Alex Padilla. The assistant had quit hours before, he said.
Authorities found Lohan and the woman in a "heated debate" in the parking lot of Santa Monica's Civic Auditorium at about 1:30 a.m.
Lohan's arrest comes as she still faces DUI allegations connected to a Memorial Day weekend hit-and-run crash in Beverly Hills. The actress completed more than six weeks in rehab less than two weeks ago, and had checked into a recovery clinic in January.
She had worn an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet since her July 13 release from rehab and was tested daily to support her sobriety, her attorney, Blair Berk, said. She said Lohan had relapsed and was receiving medical care at an undisclosed location. Lohan's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, had no comment.
Uninsurable, that's what you are
Always crashing in your fancy car
Tabloid photos, so embarrassing
Flash your breasts when you're out Paris-ing
Media whore is a role you adore, but you're
Unemployable for picture work
Unprofessional, and quite a jerk
Keep the cast and crew awaiting you
And you wonder why they're hating you
Fear next year, you're carbon-dating your career
Unreliable, and more each day
Less than "adequite" in every way
Stanwyck wore an anklet to seduce
Not to monitor her booze abuse
You're a boor, a poor excuse for loose, too
Uninsurable, in Calvin Klein
Unendurable, no sign of spine
Famous for your notoriety
Not ability, insobriety
Pie-eyed claims of future piety, pooh!
Uninsurable, such a cliché
Scourge of SAG, Double-, and Triple-A
Liquored-up but not Anonymous
"Lindsay" has become synonymous
With pathetic DUI arrests, eeww...
See also: Seattle Post-Intelligencer: Denials Go Better Without Coke
Ugh. I had just assumed Scanners was the kind of site that ignored non-stories like this one.
The new Weird Al folks!
Some people need someone to draw the line for them. The more they let these young ladies off, the more they'll run free.
Brilliant, Jim. Positively brilliant... and 100% correct.
Ken: It's not my fault! It was a relapse! I'm going into rehab tomorrow, but I didn't do it! I was wearing somebody else's pants!
(In 1994, I co-wrote a sketch for "Saturday Night Live" about a TV courtroom show hosted by defense attorney Leslie Abrahamson (Julia Sweeney) called "It's Not Their Fault," starring Mike Myers as one of the Menendez brothers and Patrick Stewart as Slobodan Milosevic. Think of this as a belated semi-sequel...)
Classic Jim. Really truly funny stuff. Too bad Parker & Stone didn't have you handy when they were writing Team America; it could have been even better. :-)
To those who think this isn't movie related. Even though she should take responsibility for her own actions. I can't help but wonder if she gotten help when her crazy dad was going to the press about her problems maybe Herbie: Fully Loaded would never have happened. One can only dream.
Although your lyrics are amusing, this does feel like one of those unnecessarily mean-spirited, piling-on posts. But then I guess I just find stories like these depressing instead of funny.
Also, it's Calvin Klein, for the record.
JE: Thanks for the CX. Believe me, I don't think repeated DUIs are funny. They endanger other people's lives. Maybe a little public shame would help her think twice about indulging in such selfish, reckless behavior. Why assume someone with her resources is above disgrace or reproach, unlike the rest of us?
Wow--that was mean. And shooting-fish-in-a-barell easy.I would expect more from you. I'm finding all this Lohan bashing creepy. I also find it interesting you mention hanging with Chris Penn (who was born into wealth--but couldn't get pas his drug problems. Oh and his brother is a drunk who beats his wives. But they're "cool" MEN, so I guess they get a break, right?).
Lohan is a young woman who has worked her entire life. And for shitty, shitty parents. This dancing on her downfall is again, easy.
Not your best moment Jim.
On the contrary, I think her life in the past 18 months is defined by public disgrace. It doesn't seem to be doing her a lot of good, and the way people approach shaming her -- with savage glee, rather than something more stern or perhaps parental -- suggests the motives are all wrong.
She's not immune to shame and reproach like "the rest of us," whoever that is, but few of us have to stomach it on quite the same level...
"He used... sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire. He was vicious."
-- Monty Python ("Piranha Brothers" sketch)
Jim, I think it's great that you've let something inspire satire (just anther form of art people.)
Things like this need to be satirized. The thing is other people aren't "shaming her with public glee." Most of the other rag mags out there dramatize it to the hilt! "Poor misguided, lost girl," every article at the check out aisle in the grocery store reads or will Oprah embrace her next as she laughingly did Paris Hilton after the sex tape scandal. This girl has had her chances, one after the other, and she hasn't backed down or learned her lesson. Sympathy is the last thing she deserves right now; nor does she deserve apathy, and I don't think Jim's ditty fits into either category. Instead it's a crucial way to see the world, finding truth through the humor of exaggeration and all of those other wonderful Python devices.
Thank you Jim for making me chuckle...I'm now putting away my fangs.
I don't think the men get a pass, but Chris Penn didn't have the sex appeal (correct me if I'm wrong) or was ever nearly as famous. However, most of Tom Sizemore's fame comes from his unfortunate addiction to bad decisions of every kind, and he seems (seemed?) like a pretty good actor to me. And did Robert Downey Jr. "get a pass"? No. He worked again when he was able to, because he's got talent and he's "a name", but when he was in trouble, he was an object of ridicule and was not spared the pseudo-serious smarminess of the Entertainment Tonight "journalists". The multimedia stakes (the web, the cable news feeding frenzy) are higher now than ever, and presumably this will only get worse for whatever talented little 12-year-old out there who will be the next Lindsay Lohan. Now let's get back to talking movies... that Michael Bay seems like a windbag, doesn't he?
What I know is this: I was a total fuckup at age 21, beholden almost entirely to depression and bad, shortsighted decisions that left me worse off than before. I can only thank God Above that I didn't have the international media and every asshole with a spare opinion reveling in each and every one of those bad decisions, gleefully recounting them, pointing out what a bad person I was... who knows where I'd be now. Probably not alive.
The schadenfreude skeezes me the hell out. That doesn't seem that strange.
I clicked on the Dogs subsection of the blog to read the entry you wrote about Moose, only to see this article under the same general heading. Thanks for that, mate; it really made me chuckle.