Debra Pickett

The basic gist of the messages was that Kaper's ex-wife was absolutely entitled to keep the five-carat diamond ring, even if they didn't re-marry, as a kind of payment for spending time with him. This line of reasoning struck Kaper, who says he's given his ex-wife lots of other expensive gifts over the years, as rather crass.

But if Kaper is offended by grabbing, gold-digging women, he might want to consider ditching the luxury cars -- a Rolls Royce and a Porsche -- he usually drives and cruising the streets of Barrington in a Saturn instead.

It's all about being honest. Sort of.

I've always found it funny to hear guys who drive expensive cars and throw around a lot cash complain about how women only seem to be interested in them for their money. (The female equivalent of this, of course, is the woman who goes clubbing in a micro-mini and halter top, then wonders why the men she attracts don't seem to value her intelligence.)

Kaper, for his part, says he's tried to avoid this problem by telling women when he first meets them that he works at the post office or sells insurance. And he doesn't show them his $30 million-dollar estate, he says, until the end of the first date.

"After they've seen my home," he says, "they really, really like me. And I don't think it's my good looks or personality or the fact that I like to dance."

When, chatting with him by phone Thursday afternoon, I asked if he'd ever considered waiting a little longer to show off the trappings of his luxe lifestyle, he laughed and answered, "Well, I have to take some advantage of what I have."

And, anyway, he continued, "you have to tell the truth at some point."

Breach of contract

As far as Kaper was concerned the suit he filed against his ex, Dr. Mary Ann Rosanova-Kaper, whom he refers to these days as "Dr. Kaper," was "really just a breach-of-contract suit."

The ring was meant to celebrate an engagement, he says, and, when it became clear that the engagement was off, he wanted it back.

But for a lot of women -- especially the ones who called his office to let him know what they thought of him -- the issue was not nearly so straightforward.

The explanation we like to give in public is that gifts like jewelry are supposed to represent a certain sentiment and, therefore, transcend material value. If we're holding on to a ring from an ex-fiance or a necklace from a former boyfriend, it's because of what the token meant at the time, not some petty concern about what it's now worth.

Unfortunately, when we try to articulate this, it often comes out as, "Honey, I earned that rock!" -- a sentiment that, to the untrained ear, might sound just the slightest bit like an admission of prostitution.

But, really, this is not what we mean.

If you get us in private, though, and ply us with a couple of cocktails, we will generally admit that there might be just the tiniest bit of avarice involved in the whole gifts-from-exes thing. Because getting a guy to give you an outrageously expensive gift is roughly equivalent to shooting a lion on safari. Who wouldn't want to hang on to a trophy that so celebrates your hunting prowess?

Live by the sword, die by the sword

It's a funny thing about $100,000 engagement rings and other such baubles: they so rarely seem to come from Mr. Right.

And while Kaper, who describes himself as a poor South Side kid made good, certainly seems like a nice enough guy, he is also the sort of fellow who just happened to mention the dollar value of his house -- twice -- in our 20-minute phone conversation. He does not seem to subscribe to the it's-the-thought-that-counts school of gift-giving.

As Kaper's suit, which is being withdrawn now that Rosanova-Kaper has given back the ring, briefly emerged as yet another skirmish in the ongoing battle of the sexes, the discussions it generated all seemed to boil down to one essential question: Who started modern courtship down this path of bling-encrusted materialism? Was it men, using money as a shorthand for expressing their emotions, or women, willingly accepting (or even encouraging) the substitution?

I wish I had the answer. But I married a guy who drove me home from our first date in his 5-year-old Saturn.