Hard drive update: When do you sign the DNR?
Several weeks ago, I watched this extraordinary documentary on PBS, A Lion in the House. The short description of it is that it's about kids with cancer, but that definitely doesn't do it justice.
I mean, to be sure, I was sobbing hopelessly by the end, but I also found it deeply engaging and complicated.
When someone is terminally ill, we all tend to say things about wanting him or her to have a "good death," to be at peace, not in pain. Intellectually, we agree that it's "cruel" to prolong someone's suffering with heroic measures that can technically extend life, but do nothing to maintain its quality.
In watching this documentary, though, I got a real sense for just how hard it is to see those distinctions when the patient in question is your loved one, and, especially, your young child.
None of these parents wanted their kids to die in a hospital bed, attached to a bunch of tubes and machines, scared and struggling.
But they also had to be absolutely sure in their own minds that they had done everything possible to save the child.
I've probably come to that point with my damaged hard drive.
The dudes at Geek Squad decreed that nothing on it could be salvaged.
So, on Monday, I went and re-claimed it from them and shipped it off to some high-end "recovery specialists" (yes, my hard drive is in rehab) in Madison, WI.
This morning, the cheeseheads called and gave me a diagnosis of "total mechanical failure." The only hope for rescuing whatever might be left of the novel inovlves taking the drive into a "clean room" and completely disassembling it.
There is, of course, an extra charge for this service.
And, baby, I am paying it.
Because, even though my brain is telling me that the sooner I accept that the material is lost, the better off I'll be, I just have to be able to say that I did everything possible. No gentle goodnight for my hard drive; it's heroic measures all the way.
In an odd side note to all of this, I think that being pregnant has actually helped me through this whole ordeal, which is supposed to be a writer's absolute worst nightmare. I read this article about the effects of elevated progesterone levels on the brain, which says, in part,
During the third trimester of pregnancy, women secrete 20 times more progesterone than during the last two weeks of their normal menstrual cycle. Despite the discomfort of carrying excess weight, many women describe that they never felt better in their lives than during the third trimester of their pregnancies!
So, despite probably having lost a year's worth of work, I've got that blissed-out "everything zen" feeling about life. Which, honestly, is completely out of character.
Comments
Its all true. All is well and good with the world in the third trimester. Calm before the storm if you will...Enjoy!
Posted by: Katie | August 28, 2006 03:56 PM
Are you SERIOUSLY discussing children with terminal cancer and a broken computer in the same post? Comparing them? Equating them??
This disgusts me. I honestly can't think of any publishable response. I don't know how you sleep at night. This is the most offensive thing I've seen in a long time.
You actually compared someone taking their child off life support with your stupid broken computer. I can't believe they pay you for this.
Posted by: Erin | August 28, 2006 05:22 PM