Why DO men marry bitches?
It was a rather jarring sight: The friendliest of our neighborhood dog walkers -- a woman I think of as not just sweet or pleasant or nice, but, in fact, Minnesota nice -- was headed down the street in her trademark wide-brimmed hat, one hand on two enthusiastically towed leashes, the other clutching a book that had clearly drawn her attention away from her canine charges, who looked ready to take off at any moment.
You couldn't possibly miss the title of the book, which was printed in big, bold capital letters on a plain white background. Why Men Marry Bitches, it screamed, with that last word designed to look like it had been scrawled in hot pink lipstick.
That was the first I'd seen of Sherry Argov's book (Simon & Shuster: 246 pages, $14.95), which hit bookstores in June and has been selling briskly ever since.
The title, for reasons that are perhaps obvious, quickly captured my imagination. And, without fail, whenever I mentioned it to someone else -- male or female -- they immediately responded by saying something like, "Whew . . . you should talk to my friend . . ."
Apparently, everyone knows at least one man who is married to a, um, witch. And they're all pretty curious about how it happened.
But purely intellectual curiosity doesn't sell a lot of books. The people who are buying Why Men Marry . . . are not just wondering how it is that affable Jack wound up with nagging, volatile Jane. Instead, the audience for this book consists largely of women who have a much more specific question: "Why did Jack marry Jane rather than me?"
Advice for the nice
This is a book for nice girls. Nice girls who, despite their seemingly attractive niceness, are still single.
Argov's main point is that, the whole Mary Ann vs. Ginger thing notwithstanding, men don't really go for "nice." They go for "interesting." And, she writes, "the fastest way to become boring to a man is to always do as you are told."
So she sets out a whole program of bitchiness, emphasizing assertiveness and confidence over actual rudeness, which is meant to turn an otherwise ordinary woman into a highly sought-after potential bride. In the days before profanity became ubiquitous, this was known as "playing hard to get."
Nice girls, of course, tend to reject this sort of strategizing, but Argov insists that it is completely justified by all the classic ethical philosophers or, at least, that turnabout is fair play. "The reality," she says, "is that men stretch the truth and strategically omit critical information all the time in order to have their cake and eat it, too."
As a married person -- and a still-wearing-the-rose-colored-glasses newlywed, at that -- I expected to be somewhat horrified by Argov's advice. I want, of course, to believe that my now-husband proposed to me in a feverish fit of romanticism, not because I skillfully (or unskillfully) manipulated him into it. And I do like to think of myself as, well, nice.
So it came as something of a shock to find out, as I read Argov's book, that I'd actually nailed some of the finer points of husband-snaring bitchdom.
For example, the decision not to live together before we got married -- made, I must admit, not so much for moral or tactical reasons as the pragmatic desire not to have to move all my stuff -- was a key strategic call, as was my laisser-faire attitude toward his bachelor pad, which I did not attempt to redecorate until it officially became "our place."
"Think like a bitch," Argov counsels women tempted to call in a feng shui consultant, or at least a cleaning service, to deal with their boyfriends' dirty sock-strewn abodes, "Leave it nice and miserable at his place so that when he visits your place it will feel like he's 'Movin' on Up.' "
At the time, I just thought of the sock thing as "not my problem." Like so many masterminds, I was blithely unaware of my own genius.
Like Elton John sang . . .
Bitchiness, like the miniskirt, seems to go in and out of style with a certain regularity. It had a big moment in the mid-'90s, when following "The Rules" seemed like a good idea.
And then, as Hillary Rodham Clinton campaigned for the Senate by going on a "listening tour" and Martha Stewart got her comeuppance, it faded.
Now, once again, it's back. You can trace its most recent resurgence using the height of Katie Couric's heels or the sales of Ann Coulter's horrible book.
And this leaves the rest of us -- the self-described nice girls, like my favorite dog walker -- wondering what to do. Must we cast aside our inclination for quiet politeness?
I got my answer on Thursday morning's L ride to work. After I stepped into a crowded car and grabbed a pole as the train headed downtown, a woman standing across from me demanded, in what I can only imagine was her most bitch-like tone, "Isn't anyone going to offer this pregnant woman a seat?"
Sufficiently shamed, several people did.
And I, blushing furiously, gratefully accepted one.
It was, in a word, nice.
Comments
The answer is the same as the answer to, "Why do women marry assholes?"
It's because bitches and assholes insist on getting what they want. Nice people settle for what's offered.
It ain't rocket surgery.
Posted by: Steve Perry | July 7, 2006 10:34 AM
What an article! You almost got close to admitting how a man
(as you call us "nice guys") feels when women use us. This
book by Sherry Argov is nothing new, I have witnessed
for a very long time, how women want their cake & eat it too!
It's not that a "nice guy" is boring , it's just that women don't
want a "true & pure" commmittment from a man, the more
"stupid and loose" that a man acts to be like, the more the
woman expresses a need to either feel proud that she has a "ladies"
man or that she has a case of the "Florence Nightingale". You profess
in your article that you are a "nice girl", and you also say that other
women out there want to know why do the nice guys marry
the "self centered females, well I ask "why do you women
run away from "true love" ? If a man desires to be with you and only
you, what is the crime in that? Does it take "hordes" of men
to make a woman feel adequate? I was with my wife for 30 years,
married for 25 years, she passed away in 2004 from Lung Cancer,
a 9 year battle, and every year it got worse. While she was at home,
Hospice bed setup, as I would be cleaning her body (from her diaper
waste) she paralyzed, I would still view her presence, her face, her
body in a desirable way, she was still the "woman" the heart of
my soul's essence! The only woman that I gave myself to, by the
way she was 16 and I was 17 when we met back in 1975, she passed
at 44 years of age I was 46 then, now I am 48, and still my soul
is crying out it's eternal scream of WHY? So, please, women
should stop this "nice guys" stuff, Love is Real, Love is Eternal
if a woman wants to really be alive she will accept these facts,
if not, then the woman will be exactly what she desires to be,
it is true what they say, "you are the company you keep"
Respond back if you want to, relay to your women friends,
that a real man isn't afraid to live out his love for his woman,
and that men who use women do so, because the woman
wants to be used.
Posted by: Alex Dubinin | July 7, 2006 03:21 PM
I tend to disagree with the first poster. I'm selective I am 31 and single. And the reason why I still am single is because I'm to choosey as a man. The type of woman I've been looking for is smart yet able to be a bit "bitchy" when need be. Intelligent yet know when to let her hair down. I hope to find a woman with qualities and who will be a great Mother to our children.
Posted by: Kelly Ciesielski | July 7, 2006 11:37 PM
In regards to Ms. Argov's assertive woman training, tell her I have never heard a bigger crock of bullsh-t in my life. You gotta have rocks in your head to buy that book.
Posted by: Frank Kerzic | July 8, 2006 08:08 AM
Well, not being married myself, I’m that not sure all men do. I’m holding out.
Posted by: David | July 8, 2006 02:40 PM
I love the idea of this book and plan to read it myself. I have a boyfriend, and he has said I'm the only girl he's ever dated who sticks up for herself and calls him out when he needs it. I am also the girl he's been in the longest relationship with ever which tells me that being a "bitch" can hold that mans attention. I personally think to many women conform for their men and make their world about him. Men do not want that. They want women with opinions and lives of their own. I do listen to my boyfriend somtimes if his advise is good, but I always argue my point first. He always says why do you have to argue with me first, and I just tell him to keep him on his toes and make his life more interesting. Some of you who do not believe in this theory should try it and just see where it gets you. I have tested it several times and am always tickled when I get my desired results:) And yes its a game. But who cares. Who wants to just keep everything "normal and good" all the time???
Posted by: Christa Darden | July 11, 2006 03:26 PM
I do, I like to keep everything good. I grew up in constant arguing and fighting and i had enough of it then. But then i went and married a b%^&$ ... At least she turned out to be one. I guess she probably always was one, i just had my rose colored glasses on for the first 3 years. Then we moved all the way out to the east coast (We are both from the midwest) for her job. Then shortly thereafter, about 6 months, she moved out and got a place of her own. We have also had quite a few weeks where we were getting along great and talked about being toghether and how much we love each other... and having great sex. But then at the end of each period she tells me she "loves me but she is not in love with me" Whatever the f*** that means... and goes back to fighting with me. We have been seperated for over a year now. and even after finding her with other guys, and lying constantly to me. I still want to be with her... Am i f***ing crazy??? I guess... But i love her, and even after being with a few other women i still can't get her out of my head. I go to bed every night thinking about her, and wake up every morning doing the same. Why oh why did i have to fall in love with a b!#*#......
Posted by: Jason | July 25, 2006 12:50 AM
I agree with the author about the bitchy attitude holding attention. I happen to be a guy who changes his msn friends list (80% are girls my age) every few weeks. Why? I get bored of the 'normal' girls! Normal also seems to imply humorless, I dont know why. Maybe its just a personal experience. In offline life, I have been with a girl for the last 2 years who happens to be a born genius at manipulation and predicting my reponses to her needs. Presently I am on a break from that relationship after her antics became too frustrating for me. The truth still is, such people who know the tricks, by experience or naturally, can make you life both a blast and a horror. She would NEVER do what I asked her no matter how I ask her. NEVER. Still I stuck to her. Why? Beats me! You can obviously label me as being stupid which maybe right, but basically, its a lotta fun being with someone who can manipulate you with her tactics.
Posted by: Omar K | July 25, 2006 04:53 AM
Hi,
I just read Argov's book. I must admit I can have, and still can be that nice girl. But I soooo get it! Every time I met a guy, I slept with him right away. And even though I had and have a very full life and am self supporting, I must admit I would make myself too available. I would justify my being easy and too available by saying (almost indignantly),"I know what I want and I am going after it." But ya know,I WANT a boyfriend.I guess I go about it the wrong way.I have been single a long time.I am attractive and must say I look good for 44.Men are always attracted to me but never stay.My guess is I am too easy which at this point I am working on that, hence reading the book.Some of her ideas seem like a game however,if I get gut honest,I see myself a lot in her book.Why o why are relationships so complicating....
Posted by: Carrie | September 26, 2006 09:23 PM