Housework chronicles, part 64
I was pretty strongly resolved that, when I got married, I would not become a nagging wife. But I quickly came to understand the temptation.
It's deeply strange to me that while my mind can lock in on a full trash can or an empty tissue box or a dishwasher in need of unloading, R.'s brain simply does not process things in the same way. I look around our home and see jobs that need to be done. He doesn't.
Of course he always offers to help, but it seems weird to ask someone to do something so quick and menial and basic. So, in the beginning, I'd just do everything myself.
This made him feel weird and inadequate, like I was having to clean up after him. "Just ask me to do it," he'd say.
I did start asking, but not much happened. It was like he'd agree, in principle, that the trash needed to be taken out, but he wouldn't actually do it. Or, he wouldn't do it immediately and then he'd forget about it and then I, not wanting to ask twice, lest that be counted as nagging, would just do it myself. Which would kind of lead back to whole weird and inadequate thing, but with a side helping, also, of "judged to be a useless slob."
So that wasn't good.
Then, utterly randomly, we happened upon a brilliant solution. (Actually, the brilliant solution existed in R.'s head for a long time. I just didn't know about it.)
We were walking down Armitage Ave. -- when he works from home, he walks with me to the train in the morning; it's super-newlyweddish and extra gooey and I totally dig it -- and the term "passive-aggressive" came up. It wasn't in relation to either of us.
I just used it to describe someone else and he asked me for a precise definition. (It's kind of funny how you can drop a term into conversation liberally but then struggle to come up with exactly what it means; one of the many things I love about R. is that he almost never does this.)
I finally did come up with a definition, but was almost sorry I had, since R. then asked if he ever behaved that way.
I tried the "I think we all do, sometimes" dodge, but he wasn't having it. So I was forced to actually answer. And I did, describing how the way he sometimes pouts in response to me repeatedly asking him to do something (yes, I guess that is, technically, nagging), makes me feel so bad about asking in the first place that it completely lets him off the hook for having failed to do whatever it was.
"There's an easy solution to that," he said lightly. Which I took to mean, "Don't ask me to do anything."
But, lucky for me, that wasn't what he meant. Actually, he just suggested that I write down what (by my standards) "needed" to be done and post the list on the fridge.
It sounded too good to be true.
But I tried it yesterday, with:
- Combine bathroom/bedroom trash with kitchen trash; take out
- Move laundry from washer to dryer
- Replace empty tissue box in main bathroom (extras on top laundry room shelf)
- Move dishes in sink to dishwasher
And it worked: all four items done by the end of the day. Today, I left only one item (Take stuff to dry cleaner's), since it involved leaving the house.
The sickest part is that this really does have the effect of making him more attractive and appealing to me. So there's kind of a reward system built right in.
Can it really be this easy to housebreak a new husband?
If it is, I'm totally writing a book, "The Husband Whisperer."
Comments
Killing me right now...."Husband Whisperer"...hahahaha! Where was that book when I needed it?!
Posted by: sarah wp | May 20, 2006 12:33 PM
I can sympathize with with the housework issues in a new marriage. I know that my wife is, to this day, mystified by my inability to discern when the bathroom is dirty. In all honesty, like R., I just don't see those things.
Thanks to this, early in our marriage we had a coversation that was quite similar to the one you describe. We established ground rules on how chores would get accomplished, and since then we've had few issues on that subject.
It is key to note that nobody trained me to get to the point where we are today. We're partners in life and we behaved as such, just like you an R. did.
You should dispense with the training metaphor. It is offensive. Imagine what would happen if a male columnist equated his wife to a horse and suggested he had trained her to cook and clean!
Posted by: Craig | June 15, 2006 04:21 AM