Debra Pickett

I'm guessing also that your observational skills are fairly well-developed, too. Because a pregnant woman -- yes it's true, due in October, thanks -- eating a Billy Goat cheeseburger, even if it is an ersatz food court version of a Billy Goat cheeseburger, is pretty much completely tuned out from the world around her. And a pregnant woman eating a Billy Goat cheeseburger while reading The New Yorker and struggling to come up with a funny, interesting idea for a newspaper column that can be written in under an hour is unlikely to notice anything short of a supercell tornado.

It's not all that surprising, then, that I didn't sense your presence. And, sure, I had slung my bag over the back of my chair, which is one of those things, like using the same password for all your accounts, that everyone knows you're not supposed to do.

In that regard, I was the perfect mark: careless, distracted, totally self-absorbed.

The M&M factor

But there were a few things you didn't count on, Ms. Pickpocket. (I've decided to think of you as a woman because of the whole manual dexterity thing and, more significantly, because that way, I'm somehow slightly less freaked out by the idea of you reaching into a bag that was never more than a few inches away from my body.)

First, you probably figured I'd have more than 25 bucks on me. Really, though, between cab fare and snacks, I'm pretty much always tapped out these days. If you're looking for cash, I'd have to suggest moving on to single people and empty-nesters.

And, second, you might have figured that it would have taken me a while to notice what was missing. You didn't count on me leaving the food court and heading right for the adjacent news stand to buy a package of Almond M&Ms to sustain me over the long walk back to my desk. Normal people might not be inclined to buy more food immediately following the consumption of a large lunch, but I am several months past normal.

That, actually, is how I discovered the stuff was missing. Because you didn't leave me a dollar to buy candy. That really ticked me off.

Walking away from the newsstand without my M&Ms was far worse than, say, calling my credit card company to find out that you'd already bought cell phones from U.S. Cellular and Sprint. (Two different companies? Who are you, the NSA? Seriously, you could have at least done a little comparison shopping.)

Fair warning

I do, however, appreciate your leaving my cell phone alone. And I almost feel sorry for you that you didn't get my press pass. (It's totally fun to flash at doormen and security guards. And who knows what an enterprising person like you might have done with it.)

You're probably not the type to listen to unsolicited advice, but, really, I don't recommend going to the trouble of stealing my identity. My credit rating isn't that great anyway and you'll just wind up on a million irritating mailing lists. Also -- and I hate to bring this up, because I don't like trafficking in these silly gender-based stereotypes, but this one happens to be absolutely true -- it is an extremely bad idea to mess with a pregnant woman.

I've spent the last few months dealing with exhaustion and ridiculous food restrictions. I've met all my deadlines without help from caffeinated beverages. My clothes don't fit, my allergy medicine is off-limits and I can't conduct a long interview without needing to take a bathroom break. So, seriously, my patience has been worn a little thin.

Should you happen to make a mistake and get caught, I will not be inclined toward mercy. Especially after the whole M&M thing.

Bigger fish to fry

On the other hand, you are, at the moment, the least of my concerns.

I suddenly find myself dealing with life's big questions in non-hypothetical terms. The idea of being responsible for another human being is wondrous and overwhelming and all the other cliche stuff that people always say it is and you don't believe them. A lot of my theories about life are about to be put into practice and I don't know how well they're going to hold up.

If nothing else, you've reminded me that I'm going to have to start paying more attention to the world around me, being on the lookout for strangers and sharp objects and fast-moving traffic and all those other things that only parents see coming. So thanks for that, whoever you are.

Good luck, and enjoy the 25 bucks,

Deb