Does chivalry apply to gay men?
I'm pretty ambivalent on a good day about the whole door-holding thing. Generally, I try not to make an issue of it, unlike, say, the woman who I know who once spat out, "I'm not a damn cripple" when a date opened a door for her, or the other friend who tends to stand in front of closed doors, as if she does not know how to operate them, until an able-bodied man happens along.
Basically, I've come to realize that what I value in the whole transaction is smoothness: if someone manages to open the door for me without making a big production of it, excellent. If it seems to be a "thing," with some sort of message attached, it tends to irritate me.
As I get more and more obviously pregnant (by the day, it seems . . . maybe I should be watching the candy intake just a little bit), I'm getting more and more of those quasi-heroic let-me-leap-in-front-of-you-to-get-the-door moments. Which is, mostly, nice.
Because walking around with the equivalent to a large sack of flour attached to your person is a bit of pain sometimes. (It's kind of like trying to parallel park a rental car; you just don't know where your bumpers are any more.)
But there's also something slightly creepy about people going out of their way to be extra nice to you. Like you don't want to get all "a woman in my delicate condition" about it. And there's just something unavoidably awkward about the whole thing. Last week, a guy (very nicely) offered me his seat on the El, by asking, as he pointed to my belly, "Would you like to sit down?"
I didn't need to sit down (the next stop was mine), so I just said, "No thanks, I'm fine." But then I wondered if I should have accepted the offer, just so he's not discouraged from being such a good guy. And then there was the finger-pointing thing. Like he was really asking, "Would you AND YOUR DISTENDED UTERUS like to sit down?"
Anyway, it's increasingly obvious, in this post-feminist age, that there are no hard-and-fast rules on this stuff anymore, especially when people like me decide to over-think everything and make it difficult.
But I had one encounter today that made me wonder about how gay men fit into the whole chivalry picture.
I was walking out of the office (to get food, yes, but not at the dammed food court) this afternoon when I encountered a male colleague who was obviously headed the same way.
He actually seemed to slow his pace to avoid getting to the door at the same time I did and went out his way (in what seemed to me a fairly obvious manner) to avoid dealing with the door opening situation. In fact, he pretty much waited for me to open the door for him.
Though I don't know him all that well, I do happen to know that this guy is gay (has Seinfeld obligated us to say "not that there's anything wrong with that" whenever this comes up?).
So, I had to wonder (but it seemed too rude to ask) about how he views the whole chivalry deal. I mean, look, he's obviously way more oppressed by The Man than I'll ever be. (Please, as a married pregnant woman, I'm so frustratingly mainstream that I might as well be a Republican at this point.) Maybe I should be holding the door for him.
Or, um, you know, like I said, maybe I'm just overthinking this.
Comments
Generally, men should open the door for women because men have superior upper body strength.
But when a door needs to be kicked down, women should open the door because of their superior lower body strength.
It's just common sense.
Posted by: So-Called "Austin Mayor" | May 23, 2006 04:30 PM
As a gay man myself, I've encountered similar questions on dates. Normally I solve the problem by reaching out and opening the door for him. Never had a complaint. He usually gets the next one.
To me it's less about chivelry and more about just plain being kind. I open it for other people all the time, push it behind me to try and keep it open when I know someone is following, or walk over to it when I see someone carrying something large. It's not a big deal; just makes life easier.
I will however state that if I was ever on a date with someone who said they weren't "a damn cripple" I'd probably turn around and go back to the car. It's either that or say, "No, you're just bitchy" which wouldn't be a good idea.
If you don't like it, tell them. If you do, say it. Don't expect someone to "just know" and there certainly isn't any reason to be rude when doing it.
With the new equality--if you'll forgive the word--we're left having to actually open our mouths and express an opinion or request. Politely.
Posted by: Brent | May 23, 2006 11:18 PM