All photos by Kristine Sherred

In 2008 with the economy tanking, Robert and Sonat Birnecker took a chance and followed their bliss. Motivated to create a family business, the couple gave up academic careers to bring the distilling traditions of Robert's Austrian grandfather to America. The result? Koval, an organic distillery where spirits are made and bottled by hand. Our Town spoke with Koval’s National Distilary Ambassador Meg Bell about Koval’s unique products and techniques.

Our Town What makes Koval unique?
Meg Bell Our products are all made from scratch in the Chicago distillery. Each spirit is organic and kosher and does not contain artificial flavors or colors. Our whiskeys are especially unique since they are single grain.

OT Robert has distilled in both Austria and the US, how do the two compare both in technique and resulting product?
MB I think the best example of this is how Robert makes his whiskey. From his training in Austria and Germany, he distills smoother and takes a tight heart cut of the whiskey. Since this cut of whiskey is considered the best part of the distillate, it does not need to be aged very long. This differs from the way classic bourbons and scotch are typically made. These styles of whiskey distill lower and take a broad cut (more rustic so the distillate has more congeners and fusel oils), hence need to age their spirits longer to mellow this out. Both styles produce a great spirit, but are done in different ways resulting in dramatic flavor differences.

OT What made Koval decide to offer tours and workshops?
MB As a craft distillery and small business in Chicago, this was really important to us. Giving Chicagoans (and those visiting our great city) the opportunity to see how a distillery works up close only strengthens the business and the community.

OT How is your white whiskey different from say, Jack Daniels?
MB White whiskey is an un-aged whiskey. Since whiskey gets all its color and a lot of its flavor from being aged in oak barrels, a white whiskey tastes very different. White whiskey has flavor from the grain it is distilled from, but not the added flavor of aging in an oak cask. Jack Daniels is also white before they put it into a barrel to age.

OT In your opinion is there a particular grain that makes the best tasting whiskey?
MB That's a tough one. They all have such unique flavor profiles, but my personal favorite at the moment is oat in the heavy char barrel. I love that oat is a grain not commonly used for whiskey, and the way Robert distills it is so delicate. It has a creamy feel on the palette.

OT Lions Pride is a big favorite in Chicago. Can you talk a little about how it’s made?
MB Lion's Pride is our line of aged whiskey. We have a variety of mash bills that make up the line - each mash bill is 100% single grain. When the grain is fermented and distilled, the result is a white whiskey. We take our white whiskeys and age them in new American Oak barrels. Some of these barrels are heavily charred on the inside, and some are just lightly toasted. The amount that the inside of the barrel is burned greatly affects how the whiskey inside ages. The toasted barrels provide more tropical or citrus notes, while the heavy charred barrels provide more caramel, vanilla, and dark fruit notes. Koval distill five different grains: rye, oat, wheat, spelt and millet. Each grain is distilled separately and is available in 3 styles: un-aged or White, aged in a Dark Char barrel, or aged in a Toasted barrel.

Enough about you, let’s talk about me. I’m sick. I know this because I watched an entire season of The Office on Netflix yesterday and peanut butter seems disgusting. Normally, I will crawl naked across a thicket of thorns to procure peanut butter. (Well, what does your grocery store look like?) Also, when I stand up, the world seems shot by Twilight’s cinematographer; everything is blown out and too close. Also, people are drinking blood through straws. No wait, that’s just the couch.

It’s in this spirit of slight ennui and total deliriousness that I bring you my Utterly Subjective End of Year Round Up in which I speak in absolutes and you can’t object because this site doesn’t support comments.

Let’s ease into this with something indisputable.

1. Best new Chicago Restaurant: Lady Gregory. Only days after opening its doors some time last summer (I’m too sick to google.), this upscale Irish bar and restaurant already felt like a neighborhood mainstay. Since then, LG has made itself indispensable, providing not only delicious food and homey ambiance, but also holiday movie screenings, special whiskey tastings and a winter coat drive. If you’re in the market for a low-key New Year’s Eve destination, LG promises a live DJ, party favors, champagne and best of all, no cover. What are you waiting for? Go. Order the beet salad and tell them I sent you. They will have no idea what you mean, but they will still bring you the salad.

Photo by Patty Michels

The other day my Significant Other spotted something at Brown Elephant.

“Look,” she said, “a time clock.”

“As opposed to a space clock?” I rejoined, showcasing my aptitude for humorous observations. I know, how much fun would I be to date? With me no redundancy goes unnoticed. For every misused word, I supply a superior alternative. If, for example, you are splayed across the bathroom floor, damp with fever and confide you feel “nauseous,” like Florence Nightingale, I’ll nurse your word use back to health: “You mean, nauseated,” I’ll coo.

“No,” SO said, “it’s literally a time clock.”

Hearing the word ‘literally,’ I readied my sledgehammer, but not only had she used the word correctly, the device she referred to was actually an old fashioned time clock used for punching in at work.

I can’t tell you how much I wanted to buy it. How great would that be? Wake up, drink my coffee, change into my work pajamas and punch in? I’d totally make the dog and the werewolf punch in too. Maybe the scooter and the Christmas tree as well. They’re seasonal help, but they still count. But I didn’t, because buying some potentially broken gadget when you have yet to repay your student loans is probably irresponsible. Buying a sequin dress, however? Totally different story, a cautionary one in fact. About the dangers of Seasonal Affective Disorder. And Working From Home. And Whiskey.

Things you need to know:

1. I don’t drink. Ever notice how when you do drink, no one asks you to justify it? I on the other hand have been challenged so habitually I start shrugging and apologizing even before I’m asked. My reasons include:
-Expense, (see above re student loans)
-Obnoxiously Delicate Body Chemistry (My body responds to substances from sugar to caffeine to alcohol as if the substance were a side-eye and my body were a Real Housewife.)
-A general need to control everything at all times (See above re so much fun to date.)

2. I’m in the midst of some major downtime right now. Lots of deadlines met, and weeks to wait before I begin teaching my mind-blowing Story Studio novel writing courses which promise to make you wealthy beyond your wildest dreams and also clear your nasal passages. (Results may vary). In other words, the only things standing between me and a postapocalyptic nightmare of the sort described by Cormac McCarthy are "30 Rock" episodes on Netflix instant.

3. I believe feminism is about choices, and I choose to be a disgrace to feminism. Except that it’s not exactly a choice. See, I pretty much exemplify every sexist myth about PMS. Picture the most offensive commercial aired during the Super Bowl concerning the difference between men and women. Hello, my life. The other night for example, in the space of little more than thirty seconds I said this to SO:
“I want chocolate cake I’m so fat I want chocolate cake are you bored of me whatever I’m going to be so famous I won’t even remember your name what happens when we die?”

In other words, I’m not sanity’s poster girl. I’ll leave that to Courtney Love.

So, although I’m broke, I decided a night out with a friend was warranted. (Read: my SO told me I was upsetting the dog and I needed to leave for a while.) My friend and I went to Mary's Rec Room!, which was awesome mainly because their tables have bottle caps on them. Not like a server didn’t properly clear between customers, but like, the caps are lodged under a layer of laminate. I couldn’t get over it, which might have been because I hadn’t left the house in weeks. Swept up in bottle cap excitement, I ordered a whiskey, the only kind of alcohol I really like. I have a friend who says it makes her feel like a senator, but to me, it tastes like cream soda, so I guess it makes me feel like a small town boy in the 1950’s, the kind of guy who might grow up to become a senator. Whoa. Full circle.

After dinner, my friend said she wanted to go shopping. (Not the senator friend, the friend I was with. For the sake of simplicity I considered eliding them but we all saw what happened to Vivian Gornick and James Frey.)

“Akira is probably open,” I said. “But you have to be anorexic to shop there. Or Lady Gaga. Or, I guess, both would work too.” Despite the lashing wind I felt pleasantly warm. Clearly, I’d developed the ability to heat my body using the power of my mind.

Down the street at Akira, I instantly found the dress of my slutty, drag queen dreams. Bypassing the navy and champagne version (Navy sequins are pointless, the sartorial equivalent of taking a spinning class while eating onion rings.), I went straight for the red and black.

We all have Facebook friends we don’t remember adding, the 21st century equivalent to penciled-in contact info in an outdated address book. The difference? Back when updating an address book meant whiteout and thick black ink, we didn’t call everyone else in our phone book to let them know they survived the cut. Another key distinction, smudged names rarely post pictures of themselves riding a mechanical bull. You don’t flick to their page to find they’re suddenly grateful for Whisker Tomkins, the best cat EVER!! They don’t subject you to dispatches from the Jason Mraz tour. But this also means they can’t pleasantly surprise you and wind up the subject of your blog.

So, I’m scanning FB the other day, and Amber Tillet’s status update catches my eye:

“If I could,” she writes, “I would have a torrid sexual tryst with this weather, but that might look weird.”

And I think to myself (as opposed to thinking to Rahm Emmanual who’s still on my porch btw) “I’ve got to find out more about this remarkable yet totally unfamiliar Amber person.

Turns out Ms. Tillet’s job is as inspired and self-generated as her Facebook updates. Along with Monika Lotter, Tillet co-founded Flight Chicago, an innovative restaurant tour offering a behind-the-scenes glimpse of Chicago's world-famous food scene. Each three-hour flight visits three different restaurants, allowing guests to tour kitchens, meet chefs and sample food pairings.

Though Tillet had no earthly clue how we came to be Facebook friends, she was nonetheless delighted to discuss her burgeoning business. And me? Today I’m grateful for Amber Tillet, the best random Facebook contact EVER!!

Our Town How did you generate the idea for Flight Chicago?
Amber Tillet Years ago, my partner and I were discussing a walking neighborhood food tour she took in New York. There are plenty of tours that focus on neighborhoods and easy bites of food. We wondered why no one focused more on the food, and more specifically, on the chefs and behind-the-scenes. We riffed on the idea, removing the touristy aspect and zeroed in on finding intimacy with the food and chefs behind it.

OT Why focus on chefs and staffs?
AT Let’s compare a restaurant’s food to a movie. If you love the movie, wouldn’t you love to hear the director and actors talk about its creation? For people who love food, there’s often a built-in fascination. How do chefs come up with their dishes? What goes into the daily life? What inspires them? We think it’s cool to get to ask those questions – in person.

OT What else separates Flight Chicago from other food tours?
AT Everything. Unlike progressive dinners, we operate our flights when the restaurants are otherwise closed to the public, so we’ve got the place to ourselves. No one else offers that kind of intimacy. Unlike neighborhood walking tours, we don’t incorporate neighborhood or city tourist info. Finally, unlike many other food tours and events, we are casual and relaxed in nature.

OT Who’s your ideal participant?
AT Most people who come on flights are pretty friendly and outgoing. No need to be a foodie. In fact, our chefs and we approach most guests as if they aren’t. It’s all very warm and on the level.

I’m a taste-maker; at least that’s what my mailman tells me. When I opened the door to collect my mail this morning, he looked me up and down and said, “You got your own style, girl. Don’t let anyone tell you not to show it off.” So before Chicago’s elite rush to follow my lead, I want to be clear that although I’m intrigued by GenoVive, a new DNA based eating plan, I am not specifically endorsing it. However, I did speak with Beverly E Swango, a former NASA employee and current GenoVive Director of Product Development to see what this new diet might offer.

Our Town Do animals in the wild naturally follow a DNA-based diet?
Beverly Swango All living organisms essentially follow a DNA-based diet. Animals adapt to their environment or they don’t live to reproduce. Those animals whose genetic makeup best allows them to make use of available food have a health and survival advantage over animals who are [unable] to process the food that’s readily available.

OT What makes humans different?
BS Our diets are not driven by simple availability. They’re affected by flavor, customs, our social interactions, and lately the amount of time we have available to plan, purchase, prepare, and yes, even consume our foods. Each human has a unique body chemistry determined by our genes. In the last decade, scientists decoded the human genome and gave us the ability to study our individual DNA. Identifying an individual’s specific set of gene variants known to be associated with various aspects of weight management helps us choose the best source of fuel. As we explored the association between weight management and DNA we discovered the emerging science of nutrigenomics, the study of how genes and nutrients interact and how this affects our body’s ability to function. Research in this area is expanding daily and is providing us with the ability to make better food choices based on our specific genetic profiles.

OT Mediterranean and Japanese diets are known to be healthy. How does GenoVive compare to natural ethnic diets? Does one’s race/ethnicity tie into one’s DNA and perhaps naturally influence the way we eat?
BS A key point to remember is the Mediterranean diet is health-promoting for Mediterranean populations, the Japanese diet for the Japanese population. We know that aspects of the [both] are very healthy and that the use of monosaturated fats such as olive oil or Omega 3 Fatty Acids found in fish have a basis in their ability to interact with our DNA to reduce the effects of inflammation. In creating the GenoVive diet we studied recommendations by the major medical associations, the RDA’s (Recommended Daily Allowances), as well as ethnic diets. Race and ethnicity play a role into one’s uniqueness, but [are only] part of the story. In working with the program, I invited my sisters to be tested to determine their dietary profiles. I was surprised to learn that of four immediate family members only two were similar in their resulting profile recommendations and that we also differed in our exercise recommendations. Finding that even family members, who share the same genes from the same parents, have different diet and exercise profiles really drives home the importance of one’s unique set of gene variants.

OT Can I expect to have a completely different meal plan than another person since I have completely different DNA?
BS Our current meal plans fall into four categories. Optimal Balance (OBL) - The basic guidelines of the US “Balanced” diet with an emphasis on calories from Carbohydrates, moderate Protein and moderate Fat. Fat Optimized (OFC) – Emphasis on the “Reduction of Fat,” moderate protein, and Carbohydrates as the balance of calories. Carbohydrate Optimized (OCC) – Emphasis on the “Reduction of Carbohydrates,” moderate protein, and the balance in fat. Fat & Carbohydrate Optimized (OFCC) – Emphasis on the “Reduction of Fat and Carbohydrates.” The protein is increased as a result of the reduction of the other 2 major macro-nutrient groups. [All] the meals are pre-assembled into daily menus to assist the customer in maintaining their recommended meal plan.

This is my housewife dress.

I’m not a fan of summer. I know, blasphemy, especially in Chicago, where restaurant patios are like exhaust-scented seasonal churches, clusters of Zinfandel drinking caprese salad eaters the congregation. When the temperature can’t be bothered to come down out of the rafters, the last thing in the world I want to do is sit halfway into Randolph Street traffic and eat. Even with my tongue pressed to my apartment’s twenty-year-old air conditioner, the last thing I want to do is eat. I can’t be the only one. Well, I might be the only one in flagrante delicto with an appliance, but I’m sure other Chicagoans wonder what to eat to beat the heat.
Personally, I like a good gazpacho. Regrettably, the fanciest food preparation tool I own is a slotted spoon and even that confuses me. It’s stored inches from the stove so I’m always grabbing it to stir soup and then feeling shocked when I can’t use it to taste the soup. I don’t own a vegetable mill (which sounds like something James Taylor would write a song about). I do have a blender with no top, but I’ve been banned from using it as a result of a terrible margarita/ceiling fan mishap. But yesterday, I found myself craving gazpacho, so I improvised.

Spontaneous Gazpacho Recipe:
One cucumber, chopped as small as your dull knife will allow.
Two medium size tomatoes also chopped.
One can Campbell’s Tomato Juice
One tub Pico De Gallo from Edgewater Produce (No other will suffice so if you’re reading this from Toronto, you’ll have to make a road trip.)
Dump into Tupperware because you don’t own a bowl
Eat

As is often the case with my concoctions, I ate the improvised Gazpacho with gusto, while my significant other looked queasy. Which is totally ridiculous because when SO and I were in New York and the heat index was 115 degrees I had to watch her consume a Philly cheese steak and fries and also one of those pizza slices the size of an occasional table. All outside.

Inspired by my recipe’s success, I asked Our Town readers to contribute their favorite summer dishes.

Micki LeSueur (who sounds like a made up French mouse but is actually a local writer you’ll be hearing more about in my next blog) was super helpful, even supplying a role for my dog in the food making process. She wrote: “Get peaches from the farmer's market. Have the dog remove the pits and place the peaches flesh side down on the grill. Grill until the peaches soften and impressive-looking grill lines appear. Turn skin side down. Add a little butter, some brown sugar and cinnamon to the cavities from the pits. Serve with vanilla ice cream. Invite me for dinner.”

Reader Freddie Levin contributed the following: “Buy canned kidney and/or white beans. Drain the liquid from the can. Cut up celery and avocado into small pieces. Dress with olive oil and lime juice. Add salt and pepper to taste. Look smug because it's Vegan and that makes you better than everyone else.”

Photo by Charles Leslie

I’m the best girlfriend ever. Sure, from one moment to the next no one (including me) can predict whether I’ll shoot sunbeams from my fingertips or throw a fit because the dog looked at me wrong. Yeah, I skim Cosmo but judge my Significant Other for reading Five People You Meet in Heaven rather than something “worthwhile.” I am constantly lost, never want to carry anything, need to pee approximately every five minutes, object violently to abbreviations like veggies and Rom Com, check my e-mail incessantly, and make my SO apologize if I have a dream she’s done something wrong.

But none of that matters, because this month, I’m devoting the crush blog to my girlfriend’s crush. I know, how unflappable and Dan Savage-approved am I? It’s not quite what you think though; my SO is in love with…. pasta, specifically the local, organic kind handmade by Pasta Puttana owner, Jessica Volpe. But here’s the thing, Volpe has red hair, and if there’s anything my SO loves as much as pasta, it’s…. a redhead.

So, here I am, relentlessly brunette and confused by kitchen appliances watching my SO practically build a nest inside a heaping plate of Golden Egg Papparadelle, and what do I do? I decide to make fantastic chef and intrepid entrepreneur Jessica Volpe July’s Crush of the Month. And you know what? Now I’ve heard her thoughts on grammar and her way with a pop culture reference, I’m genuinely smitten myself.

Name: Jessica Volpe
Hometown: Cleveland, OH
Profession: Pasta Maker; Owner of Pasta Puttana
Hobbies: Pre-Puttana I had lots of hobbies. Now I just take pleasure in little things like tap dancing while I work; reading biographies of Golden Age film stars; experimenting with crazy old pasta-making techniques and eating olives.

Our Town Why homemade pasta?
Jessica Volpe It's a beautiful food, sorely under-represented in this country. Restaurants serve it but most cover it with heavy cream sauces, butter, globs of cheese--it defeats the point. My whole thing is letting the pasta itself shine with seasonal produce or just little morsels people find in their fridge. Come to Green City Market and you'll find me in a constant dialogue with customers about what's in season and which ingredients go best with which pasta. So much more fun than, "Go buy that jar of sauce."

OT How did you come up with your company name?
JV Puttana was something my dad used to say a lot, but in a funny, non-sexist way. Once I said Pasta Puttana out loud I knew it was right. Not just because it's irreverent and alliterative (both good for a company name) but because I truly am a pasta whore.

OT What did you do to convince places like Whole Foods to stock your product?
JV Oh, I stalked; wore them down with my emails and annoying presence until they finally just gave in (kind of like how Sandra Bullock won her Oscar).

OT Originally you weren't interested in retail space, why make the leap?
JV It wasn't in the original business plan, no, but I'm so inspired and excited by the possibilities of a shop devoted entirely to my pasta. The space is tiny so I'm going for a minimal-but-warm aesthetic. In the spirit of letting the pasta shine, I'll also offer seasonal staples like braised beans, sun-kissed tomatoes, and finishing oils. The Pasta Puttana shop opens July 8th at 1407 W. Grand Avenue in Noble Square.

OT Any advice for people wanting to start a small business?
JV Think carefully because it's a life-changer.

I can’t be the only one. I can’t, because it happens to all of us. No, not getting Katy Perry’s "Teenage Dream" stuck in our heads. Death. I don’t remember how I found out about death, but from the age of four on, I feared it. Not a quiet terror, but a sobbing, sleepless, wake up the neighbors who call the police because they suspect I’m being hacked to death by my parents kind of panic. Now I knew that each person, each animal and tree and--God help me-- the planet itself held within it an expiration date, I couldn’t comprehend how my friends went on playing foursquare and eating glue.

Though my death fixation lasted a decade, ultimately, through some peculiar combination of imagination and denial I managed to force my dread to the periphery of my consciousness, where it reached up to bop me over the head only every few months. Recently however, the apprehension has sidled center stage again, upstaging my usual obsessions. While it’s a relief to no longer worry that the eunuch vampire from "Let the Right One" In lives between my washer and dryer, this mortality anxiety sure is taking up a lot of my time.

While very few people join me when I run nightly down Foster street screaming, “We’re all gonna die,” I know others like me exist and it’s for you I’ve compiled this list.

Things to do in Chicago When You’re Terrified to Die

1. Attend A.J. Durand’s Queer Yoga Workshop at Yogaview.
Running every Saturday July 2-July 30 from 2:00-3:15p.m., this class is specifically geared to provide queer folks curious about yoga with a safe, supportive, and fun environment. If you’re lucky, the practice will lend you peace and clarity. If you’re like me, you’ll have to flee the room because shavasana means corpse pose.
(Note: Heterosexuals can achieve a similar state of serenity by drinking twenty beers at a Cubs game and then preventing the Clark bus from moving more than two feet at a time.)

2. Visit XOJane, the new website launched this week by 90’s alternative women’s magazine darling, Jane Pratt. If you had a subscription to "Sassy" as a teenager, the familiar names of her contributors and editors will induce a form of nostalgia, which, if you are lucky, will fill you with awe as to how far you’ve come. If you’re like me, you’ll drop to the floor moaning as if trampled by time’s grime march.

3. Come to A Taste of StoryStudio, an evening of wine, cheese, and StoryStudio classes designed to help students interested in honing their writing skills at this Chicago mainstay. The event begins at 6:30 p.m. sharp May 20. If you’re lucky, you’ll come away pleasantly buzzed and brimming with inspiration. If you’re like me, you’ll spend the night certain the end of the world is mere hours away.

4. Sample free frozen yogurt at the opening of Red Mango’s new Loyola location. The giveaway runs 5 p.m. to 9 p.m., also May 20. If you’re lucky, you’ll enjoy a delicious, low fat desert in the vicinity of an institution of higher learning. If you’re like me you’ll convince yourself it’s possible to choke to on yogurt. Or maybe freeze to death from the inside.

5. Adhere to out-of-touch-rich-celebrity Gwyneth Paltrow’s list of places to visit while in Chicago. (This item is kind of like if a genie granted you three wishes and you used one to wish for a bunch of extra wishes, because it allows me to refer readers to a slew of other Chicago options while technically not exceeding five selections. I’m very clever.) If you’re lucky, you’ll have a number of lovely dining experiences and learn how it feels to sleep on 100,000 thread count sheets. If you’re me, you won’t be able to afford any of Paltrow’s suggestions, but the smoldering envy you’ll experience just might distract you from your mortality.

A freelance writer with an MFA in Creative Writing from The School of the Art Institute of Chicago, Sarah Terez Rosenblum, when not writing, supports herself as a figure model, Spinning instructor and teacher at Chicago's Story Studio. Inevitably one day she will find herself lecturing naked on a spinning bike. She’s kind of looking forward to it actually. IMPORTANT: the official Our Town site doesn't support comments. Join in the conversation by followingOur Town on Facebook and Sarah on Twitter: @SarahTerez

The first time I entered one of those mammoth grocery stores we’ve all grown accustomed to, I reacted as if I’d spent my life in an Eastern European bread line or possibly running with wolves. The options, the scale, both overwhelmed me.
Later, my years in LA felt like a sentence served inside Baz Luhrmann’s mind; the garish corner of Sunset and La Cienega enough to make me sob. I guess lurid excess just isn’t my thing.

Still, as I mentioned last week, I was eager to attend the For the Love of Chocolate gala, (or as I like to refer to it: Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate, Ack!) FTLOC benefits The French Pastry School’s Scholarship Foundation, and draws hundreds of local candy shop pros and restaurant chefs, from Chris Kadow-Dougherty of Whimsical Candy to Kai Lermen, Executive Chef at the Peninsula Hotel.

Inside the Merchandise Mart it was like Willy Wonka meets Midsummer Night’s Dream meets Top Chef: a DJ blasted artful mixes, an elfin man on a sort of elevated bicycle turned a crank to produce wine by the glass and a woman essentially wearing a table served chocolate from her “skirt.” (She refused to come home with me; for the best, she wouldn’t have fit in the car.)

In corridors branching from the main area guests, like well-coiffed ants, surrounded long tables heaped with chocolate concoctions (sorbets, puddings, cookies, tiramisu, cupcakes, mousse). In one area, a candy maker used a blowtorch to construct a two-foot high candy flower. Elsewhere, celebrity chef Rick Bayless attracted a throng of devotees as he threw together some sort of cubed beef, cilantro, tortilla situation (Hey, I’m not a food writer!).

Though I likely bypassed dozens of amazing displays, I was most taken with Bleeding Heart Bakery’s “Tribute to Sid Vicious in Whiskey and Chocolate,” an edgy conglomeration of whiskey infused offerings including a chocolate handgun I slipped into my purse.

Eventually I found my way to the “real food” section, where guests queued up for ceviche, chick pea soup, and soft hunks of meat girded by pureed root vegetables, which I also slipped into my purse. I’m guessing chocolate was involved in each, but at that point I was too overwhelmed to inquire.

If you were sitting next to me at my writing desk this morning (and perhaps you were; I wouldn’t know because I wear blinders when I’m working. If it’s good enough for the plough horse, it’s good enough for the easily distractible work-at-home writer.) this is what you would have seen:

Me, totally normal person wearing horse blinders and roller skates (I hate the sound of the kettle shrieking, and the skates cut my travel time in half.). I lean closer to read an incoming e-mail. My jaw slackens. I remove all of my clothing. (Except the blinders and the roller skates, which are technically accessories, I believe.)

You ask: Why engage in such strange behavior? Why hang out in my house without my knowledge, watching me write? I counter. But let’s not quibble. Instead I’ll share an excerpt from the e-mail I received.

Dear Sarah:
On February 5th, The French Pastry School will hold its annual gala, For the Love of Chocolate, at the Merchandise Mart to raise funds for future pastry students. We would like to invite you to attend.

It was then I shed my clothing, something I do whenever I come in contact with the word chocolate. It’s not sexual, rather, if chocolate is in the vicinity, even the word chocolate, I simple want to be ready to get as close to chocolate as possible.

Reading on, I discovered the affair would include “celebrity and award-winning savory and pastry chefs such as Rick Bayless (of Frontera Grill) and Sherry Yard (of Spago, Beverly Hills); nationally recognized food writers such as Barbara Fairchild (longtime editor-in-chief of Bon Appétit) and Chicago TV news personalities wearing chocolate fashions.”

See, I was right to undress in preparation!

The $200 a head gala takes place Saturday February 5th from 7 p.m. to 11 p.m. at Merchandise Mart. The invitation specifies black-tie, but lucky for me there’s no mention of pants.

Photo by Kristin Michels

Into the foreseeable future, The Crush of the Month Blog will open on a nostalgic note, offering quick snapshots of crush’s gone by. Why? Because change is good. Also, I’m running out of stalker jokes.

When I was in third grade I told my parents my favorite song was “Crush on You” by The Jetts.
“Joan Jett?” My father asked, excitedly. He’d supported my Jem and the Holograms habit, sat through Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, but held out hope my musical tastes might soon mature.
“Who?” I asked.
“Well, what do you like about their music?”
“They sing about liking someone but not telling them, and the girls have pretty hair.”
Luckily for my dad, just months after the Joan Jett incident, my sister came into the world wearing Sennheiser HD 800 headphones (She was from the future.); painful for my mother, balm for my dad’s soul.
As for me? I still love a good obsessive love song (See Lucinda Williams: Essence) but not as much as I love February’s Crush:

Name: Patty V. Michels
Hometown: Park Ridge, IL
Profession: Business Manager for Wave Restaurant at The W Hotel/ Go-to photographer for Our Town
Hobbies: Photography, traveling, camping, hanging out with my dog

Our Town What drew you to photography?
Patty Michels The idea of stopping time and preserving a moment. When I was eight, I got a Polaroid camera as a present and I mostly took pictures of bugs and flowers until one humid mid-western summer dusk when a huge storm was headed our way. I was lying on the sidewalk watching the clouds roll in though my viewfinder when my four year-old sister walked into the frame. I shot a gorgeous photo of her, long curly hair blowing in the wind with a red, purple and green sky swirling behind her. I was hooked.

OT Favorite subject?
PM Right now I'm really into night photography: long exposures, vibrant colors and surreal effects.

OT Ever use photography to get a girl?
PM Put it this way, wanna come over and see my macro coupler when we're done here?

OT What do you like most about your day job?
PM Besides all the food I get to eat, I would say the people. I get to work with actors, artists, culinary wizards, world travelers, musicians, writers, people who generally say "No thanks, I will not wear a tie to work. I've got better things to do with my life," but I still get to wear a tie, plus bring home a steady paycheck.

OT The W Hotel is infamous. Any interesting celebrity encounters?
PM Rihanna wanted fresh mangos in her room. They came to me for the money and I approved it. Oh, the power!

In my defense, it’s been a slow month. With the Christmas tree in the alley and the New Year’s champagne gone flat in the fridge, now begins the sluggish slog toward spring. Not even toward, a word denoting purposeful speed. Rather, vaguely in the direction of while wearing boots so heavy they seem dipped in concrete and a thick coat that obscures sight and sound; layers of clothing which, when removed compel friends to comment,
“Wow, you’re way thinner than you look.”
To which I respond, “I’m sorry, I can’t hear when my glasses are fogged up.” True and strange.

Amidst such aggravation, the smallest events give one a thrill. To whit: a week or so back, I received an e-mail, subject line: “Horchata Revolution !!!” Apparently a new type of Horchata is scheduled to hit Chicago in late January, but I’d been selected to take a sneak peak. This is just the sort of glamorous perk you too can anticipate should all of your blogging dreams come true. Who am I kidding? I was instantly psyched; my correspondent had me at Horchata. The three exclamation marks didn’t hurt either; I admire a man who’s emphatic about his ethnic beverages. Though I took a moment to ponder the ethics of accepting his offer to send me a product sample, in the end, moral integrity isn’t my strong suit, at least not in below zero weather when I’ve exhausted every card game I know. Besides, can something made of rice really count as a bribe?

Fast forward to yesterday when an ottoman-size package arrived. Inside amidst a serious quantity of Styrofoam, were three oversize cans. (I’ve helpfully included a photo if you cannot envision this. The down-the-shirt-shot is unintentional; I looked like a cantankerous rhesus monkey in every other picture.) Inside the cans was…liquid rice pudding, and I mean that in the most delicious way possible. Seriously. I just had to take a break from blogging and have another sip.

Ricky Gervais
7:30 p.m. at Park West; $39-$50
The British funny man behind “The Office” brings his stand-up show to Chicago for the first time. Catch him tonight through Friday at Park West.

Serena Maneesh, Wovenhead
8 p.m. at Lincoln Hall; $12-$14
Norwegian outfit Serena Maneesh take the wall-of-noise sound predecessors like Sonic Youth and The Jesus and Mary Chain bled ears with and slather it something frantic, cutting angular guitar jabs over crunchy, distorted samples in their shadows. Then they turn on a pop dime with main songwriter Emil Nikolaisan handing over vocal duties to his sister, Elvira, coming off ambient and dreamy in her wails, that reveal their chill-wave influences. Openers Wovenhand rally some judgment day folk rock, footstomp and all, led by former 16 Horsepower lead singer David Eugene Edwards.

Free Lunch
11:30 a.m. at Roti Mediterranean Grill
Celebrate Roti’s one-year anniversary with free sandwiches and salads until 1 p.m. Feeling guilty about a free lunch? Make a donation to Common Threads while you’re there.

A couple of football specials to pass along, in case you’re looking for somewhere to watch the game tonight:

Longtime radio personality-turned podcaster Steve Dahl takes his show on the road to Trader Vic’s for Aloha Monday Nights. He’ll be hanging out with everyone at the Gold Coast bar offers up $3 domestic and import bottles, $5 Bear Bombs and a $12 Pigskin buffet.

Jake Melnick’s Corner Tap is running a season-long “coin toss” special. Each table will get a chance to flip a special Melnick’s coin to win prizes like food specials and discounts. You can also get half price Rogue bottles all night long.

Looking for more? Find plenty of NFL game-day specials here.

BY SARAH TEREZ-ROSENBLUM

So what if my Significant Other is in Italy? I can have a good time right where I am. Sure S.O. is drinking fantastic cheaper-than-soda wine, wandering through lemon groves, getting yelled at by nose-less beggars and walking the Spanish Steps. But my big-shouldered city can top all that.

Not only are those china-doll-tea-party-bottles of booze on sale at Jewel cheaper than a liter of soda, but this morning when I went to run the dishwasher, I spilled lemon-scented detergent all over the floor. Mmmm. Heavenly. Plus I barely have to leave the house to witness a homeless person urinating, and the steps at the Grand Red Line stop are hella steep.

Still, sometimes stuck in Chicago, I yearn for the true Italian experience, but even then, the Windy City delivers. Sure, I could visit the well-known little Italy neighborhood, but S.O. spent yesterday lost near Pompeii before relaxing on her balcony overlooking the Mediterranean. So in the spirit of competition, I mean adventure, I took myself out of my comfort zone too.

I just got my first taste of the Gaztro-Wagon, Matt Maroni’s much-discussed venture into mobile food options in Chicago, as the wagon made a visit to the Merchandise Mart for lunch today. First reaction: Well worth the hype.

What struck me most was how low-key the operation really is. It’s just Maroni and an assistant slinging sandwiches out of a truck. A hand-written menu lists the half-dozen or so “Naanwich” (basically sandwiches made on homemade naan bread) options on a chalkboard, you pick one, and 30 seconds later, it’s yours.

(More photos after the jump)

Tall Ships Chicago
10 a.m.-9 p.m. at Navy Pier; $9-$20
A boarding ticket gets you on the pirate-like ships, with programs and activities for the kids. Or just hang out on the pier and watch the big ships come in all weekend (show runs until Sunday).

Pizza and Beer Pairing
7 p.m. at Sheffield’s, $30
Pair your favorite Sheffield’s brews with the unique pie selections from Ian’s Pizza just down the street.

Rihanna
7:30 p.m. at United Center; $20-$500
Look for the R&B sensation to perform a bunch from her upcoming, yet-untitled dance album, including the first single “Only Girl.” Don’t have tickets to the show? You can catch her after party at Vision Nightclub, starting at 10 p.m. ($20).

Anders Osborne

Anders Osborn
8 p.m. at SPACE; $20-$34
Born Swedish and transplanted 'Nawlins, Osborne fell for Southern blues in his youth, when '70s soul was seeping into its stream. He can be compared favorably with Springsteen and Van Morrison, gifted with both electric crunch and a clean, bright howl. The singer/guitarist is now housed on Alligator Records, aging like blues-out David Gray in his somber moments, and Ben Harper in his fury. (Gavin Paul)

Taste of Andersonville Dinner Crawl
6 p.m. at Swedish American Museum; $25-$55 (tickets)
Foodies delight in this dinner crawl, which features two different routes with 11 neighborhood restaurants each. Spots include Andies Restaurant, Edgewater Lounge, Fireside Restaurant, George's Ice Cream and Sweets, Piatto Pronto, Charlie's Ale House, The Coffee Studio, Hamburger Mary's, The Wooden Spoon and a bunch more. Get tickets in advance and save 10 bucks. And if you’re feeling extra hungry, you can go on both tours.

Hellsent, Robust, DJ Dallas Jackson
10 p.m. at Subterranean; $7
Long before Chicago broke into the mainstream with the Cool Kids, Kanye, Lupe and post Electric Circus Common, there was the Galapagos4 camp and their intoxicating brand of heady lyricism. Hellsent is a relative newcomer to the label, releasing his solo debut Rain Water in 2006, but his lyrical grit has fit right in with G4's style of play since his early days with the Outerlimitz. His newest album False Profit is a critical analysis of mainstream rap and its inability to separate itself from its monetary roots. His performance at Sub-T will be in celebration of his new album, and label mates Robust and DJ Dallas Jackson will be in full support. (J Min)

My Morning Jacket
7 p.m. at Charter One Pavilion; $46
Expect to see a return to the reverb-to-the-heavens Southern Kentucky soul for this quintet, which will kick it old school from Z (2005) and the more progressive Evil Urges (2008), and maybe a few new ones from an expected album in the next year or so.

Jason Adasiewicz
5:30 p.m. at Museum of Contemporary Art; free
See the jazz composer/percussionist at the Tuesdays on the Terrace series.

Rosh Hashana Boot Camp
6:30 p.m. at Spertus Institute; $18
Learn tricks of the Jewish cooking trade with Spertus kosher catering executive chef Laura Frankel.

B-52s
8 p.m. at Ravinia; $27-$50
Rock your lobster off with the popular ‘80s band, which teams with the Dirtzy Dozen Brass Band for what shapes up to be a rather raucous show at Ravinia.

Beer and Brats Party
5-8 p.m. at Chicago Marriott Downtown; $10
Join famed brewers John and Jake Leinenkugel as they pair home-made sausages with their brews, including the extra-refreshing Summer Shandy.

Carnivale University: Tequila 101
6:30 p.m. at Carnivale; $25 (RSVP required)
Learn about the origins of tequila while sipping and sampling at the popular River West Latin American spot.