What Not to Do in Chicago This Month:
You’re here for a date night suggestion, right? Maybe a scintillating interview with a Chicago luminary? Perhaps a zippy rundown of weekly area events. Pish posh. You can find such fluff on the website of any newspaper, major or minor, scrambling to remain relevant in this dark digital age. You want false cheer and bogus butterflies? Tough luck, buddy. It’s December. They’re dead. Or maybe just in the tropics with all your rich friends. What I offer is genuine and far more valuable: a compilation of things to avoid, because forced optimism is so last year.
1. Watch the eclipse. You thought, hey, finally a profound experience for which I don’t have to scrounge bus money, pull on long underwear or even sponge that splotch of tomato sauce off my cheek. But even though you stayed up till three a.m. drinking whiskey sours just like when you were five years old and waiting for Santa, all you saw were clouds. Here, watch a slide-show of the images your friends in the tropics probably saw. You know you prefer your life experiences filtered through the Internet anyway.
2. Get married. You’ve probably heard about the bride suing her former fiancé for more than $95,000. Apparently dude went around telling friends the wedding was off but never mentioned the change of heart to his bride. It’s episodes like this that make you glad you married your dog. In Australia. Wait, that wasn’t you. Damn all this vicarious Internet living.
3. Drink the water. Last week, scientists announced “alarming” amounts of a cancer-causing metal has been found in Chicago area drinking water. Nobody is pleased, but your mother feels validated.
4. Make friends with an Asian carp. You hate all your old friends for taking off for the tropics without telling you about that smear on your face, and you can’t help but admire those spunky fish. What you may not know: your new fish friends are plotting to take over Lake Michigan. They may be flipping their tails all carefree-like, but for the first time in history, US citizens have been instructed to eat an adversary. And people say Obama fears controversy.
5. Leave. At least via airplane. According to a scientific study performed by scanning your Facebook friends feed, two out of four hundred and fifty people could not leave the city this morning. Since only two out of that four hundred and fifty were trying, technically one hundred percent of those attempting to fly out of Chicago could not. Take that, rich friends.