Mary Mitchell

I couldn't agree with you more!!!!!

If more men married the mother of their children, prior to having the children, there would be less of a need for "Child Support".

Thank you Mary for this poignant article. So many black women are unmarried and it is really a shame. Out of my female friends, we are all black, single, and highly educated, and attractive, and would all like to be married eventually. This is not the case I have seen in my white counterparts. For me personally, I would like to be married soon, but every black man I encounter is afraid of comittment or doesn't want to be "tied down". I am a Ph.D. candidate, attractive, and in touch with my faith; finding a like partner should not be this difficult. The whole situation is truly a travesty and hopefully your article will help to wake our men up!

Mary,

While I have ALWAYS admired you and so love your columns, I have to disagree with the solution to this lack of marrying problem within the black community… that these black men should marry the “babies’ mamas!� You are insinuating that black men are the ONLY problem in these relationships and the ONLY ones who are selfish and that’s simply not ALWAYS the case.

I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 children by two different women. I have a teenage son that I have raised on my own since he was 2 years old. I have a sister who is married to a man who came into their relationship with 3 children from two different women and they had 2 additional children. I have another sister who is a single mother in which her child’s father married another woman and lives in another state. For myself (engaged to my companion) and sister who married her children’ father, the BABIES’ MAMAS were and are the problem the reason why these men did not marry THEM in the first place!

I’m not only speaking from what they have told us, but from what we’ve actually, visually have witnessed. In my case, my fiancé’s children have not and are not faring well with their perspective mothers either emotionally or financially. The oldest child (teenager) receives no real emotional or financial support from his mother. She doesn’t provide any real mentoring or guidance to this child or other children she has reared from her current husband she now has. My fiancé’s youngest 2 children are okay but not really doing that much better. They live in a hugely much better neighborhood/environment (western suburbs) but she provides no attention to the children (unless her current husband’s children are around) and despite receiving child support for them, still calls on my fiancé for items I feel she can and should be able to provide for them. The children are only getting the attention they want and need from their father alone which is sad in itself.

I’m not saying they should not receive mentoring, caring attention from their father. But it appears that these women literally just “washed their hands� of their own children because their father refused to remain in unhappy relationships with them.

My sister who married my brother-in-law raised one of his 3 children since they’ve been together. This child’s mother was (is still) a drug addict. The other 2 (teenage children) are in the same state as my fiancé’s youngest children; they don’t receive the needed attention and guidance from their mother.

My sister who is raising my niece on her own was more than quite difficult with her daughter’s father during their relationship the reason why they didn’t last. And this is my own sister I’m referring to. She’s a good person at heart and will stand by you through thick and thin. She seems to only have major problems in maintaining a healthy relationship with men.

While I do understand with your suggestion and feel that these men who rear these children with these women SHOULD definitely marry them, it is not always the healthiest way to build a strong family unit! In some cases, your stronger family unit can survive and fare much better with finding that mate that shares your dreams, goals, etc of what a relationship and a family unit entails. My sister and brother-in-law just celebrated 9 years of marriage and they’re still growing strong.

We have to look at ALL the different avenues of how these relationships are faring and faltering. The one advice I have for some of these women is to STOP GETTING PREGNANT WITH A MAN IF YOU’RE NOT POSITIVELY SURE HE’S GOING TO ACTUALLY STICK AROUND IN THE FIRST PLACE! Do not use the children to keep them around. If they’re not in the relationship to be with you alone first, then having kids with them, trying to trap them is not the answer. Build a STRONG, HEALTHY relationship with the person you’re involved with, wanting and/or planning to spend the rest of your life with.

This could be one major step in resolving this on-going problem altogether. Stop having babies for the sake of trying to keep, trap or land a man. That’s just plain ridiculous and stupid.

Hi Mary, Thanks again for touching on such an important subject. Let's also have successful marriages by being loyal and not violent towards our spouses. I'm a 38 year old professional male and I have been married for 6 years with three kids. I have continued to have good things happen personally and professionally so I can relate to your article. I know I would be less happy and secure without my beautiful family. Keep addessing the important issues in our Community Mary. C M Williams

Mary
I think most black young men dont marry is because.Marrage has been put in such a negative light from older black men,friends that are married,and male figures that are close.That there afraid to, they almost never here the positive thing's about it.Me personally I married my "baby's momma" before she was a "baby's momma"

You didnt find it strange that all the articles that you had about racism was met with more racism and personal attacks against you by mostly whites who are happy with the status quo and dont want to change ms.mitchell..no front pages though,but as soon a negative story like "black men dont marry"which is a generalization due to the latest research which stated overall that people in general are getting away from marriage.Men are not to blame themselves women should not discriminately have sex with multiple partners and then when they get pregnant think that automatically because a guy has a nice car hes a good catch and will marr them.It doesnt work that way ,if slavery could not destroy or race ,this will not either.the societies preoccupation with sex ,the media does project bad examples not just listening to rap music (the stated reason by whites for violence etc.)in our world.What rap music did Hitler the KKK and Mafia listen to?If you want to get married that is a personal decision between two people not a forced shotgun style thing that people think it should be.Men ,black and white should be responsible that is true, the reichwingers and neo-con(Artists)have presented the issue as if though they have the moral high ground and continue to use racist codewords and fearmongering to portray black men as irresponsible and animalistic(even though 84% of all serial killers are white) "Message to black men get married!"front page?the statement black men are more permissible about extra marial relation and two timing women is ludicrous.I can bet if you had a positive article about black men it would not be on the front page at all,Whenever whites do something criminal they shove it on page 25.the bottom line is ,IF you love someone and make that commitment to marry that is their choice.That is why we have so many broken families people shoved into unhappy marriages(pregnancies,etc.),not a black men only problem, but a human problem.write something positive about black folk and see if your editors splash it across the front page like the did this topic! even take a look at how the front page looked..Black men get married!Obama not perfect?how about black men get married sometimes just lie whites.And whoever said Obama was perfect.Im sure he didnt.Bottom line we are all human and not perfect and we shouldnt live our lives to meet others expectations because if you put you faith in man you will always be disappointed.Marry when you're both ready not to please others.

So grandma, why aren't you married? And why don't black men want to marry your daughter? Could it be that maybe you women aren't good candidates for marriage? Naw, couldn't be...

Ms Mitchell; Who cares??!i don't consider myself a "brother" to all Blacks! I just love bein "lumped in" with all of them too. It's sad people are "too, overly socially inept" that they have to remind the rest of us who we are. I guess the second part of your article will focus on the woman who MAKE the babies with these LOOSERS!! Because as a man, I'd never even think of makin a baby (or babies) with a woman without marrying her first. (I guess I'm not Jerry Springer-ish/hip-hop/ghetto fabulous enuff.) When will Americans just totally ignore race?

You foolishly assume that marriage will fix the problem. What you fail to see is that these women are unmarriable. It took two people to make that baby yet you only blame one, the one with the most cashflow. You don't know how many guys I know who wish they could just have a decent relationship with a black woman. The ones who are actually settling down aren't doing it with sistas. The modern black woman is not built for marriage. Sure she might have aspirations of being a bride but in most cases she lacks home training. She has to be the top authority until something goes wrong, then she's the victim. Most can't cook, atleast not anything that not fried. I've seen chicks struggle to make cold cereal, it's either a drop of milk in the bowl, or they drown it. Why is that? They've become too accustomed to eating out, either with dudes that they're stringing along, or because mommy and daddy shower them with money so so that nobody will "exploit" their financial instability. Nobody gives a damn about a black man's instability. The simple truth of the matter is that the black world values black women more than black men and that's the root of all of this. There's no point marrying a woman you've knocked up as marriage just creates more problems. If you leave it doesn't matter because a black man is seen as having little value in the first place. You look at these children as if they're failed attempts at marriage when in fact most are succesful attempts at a passive income on part of the woman.

Moderator, you bring up some good points in this column.

Until black women as a whole start making some sort of effort to try to have children by responsible men..they have nothing to say that I want to hear.
Black woman there is only one way to make sure that your children have a good man for a father. You must find a good man, marry him and then have HIS children.
If you don't want to be a babys mamma then don't be a babys mamma.[Double negative intended.]
I am sick and tired of black women not accepting responsiblity for the chioces they make when it comes to bedroom partners.
Your generation of black women [I am going to assume that you are a baby boomer.] should have raised your daughters to respect their bodies, cherish good black men and to desire a strong family...but many of you didn't
Bed. Made. Sleep in it.
Baby boomers have no right to expect resonsible, young men to provide a life for their out of control daughters.I have met many young black women that would have made good wives if only someone had raised them better. Taught them the basics of morals and survival skills.The sad fact is many sisters make excellant bedroom partners but horrible wives. They know all of the bedroom tricks but when it comes to wit and widom they are pretty much hopeless. And thats what your generation should have taught your daughters if you wanted them to attract strong men. [Also baby boomers did not raise many strong men either.]
After 40yrs of the "I don't need no man" talk many brothers have very little desire to get married.
I am single black male homeowner. Just a regular guy.
I will get married when I am good and ready. If some black woman with two kids by different fathers feels I am wrong because I am depriving her of acces to my resources...then thats just too bad.

Why????? So that she can divorce me when times are rough or inform me later that she had not lived before getting married? There are countless of brothers who have been burned by the sisters that marriage is a joke. Plus, these days, you have so many barriers that influence wives; bitter girlfriends who have so much good advice for your wife or the so called "friend" who is always in the picture to comfort your "unhappy" significant other. It is sad but it is what it is. Mary, they do not make women like Grandma anymore.

Ms. Mitchell,

This is a very important issue, I can agree with you there. And it's certainly true that the marriage rate is very low in the black community, and that there are huge numbers of black mothers whose children are fathered by multiple men.

But I notice that you place all the responsibility for fixing this problem on the black MAN. You say it's time to sack up and marry, and give these children a father.

I have to wonder, why aren't you addressing the other side of the issue? Men cannot have babies without partners. In fact, they can't have babies at all. They can only sire them. And I'm reasonably sure that the vast majority of children born in the black community were not the result of rape.

So, why aren't black women making better choices in their men? Oh, I know drama and danger are exciting. And a man who will stand by you, take care of you, respect you, and never beat you isn't a great source of drama and danger. Even though women say they want a nice guy, who winds up being their multiple babies' daddies? The thug, the gangsta, the rapper.

The man who would be glad to have a woman to love, who would love him back and bear his children, well, he's boring, isn't he? And if you pay attention to him at all, it's only so he can listen to your problems with your thug boyfriend, and then watch you go back to the thug time after time after time.

Even the thugs leave you. Do you ever wonder why? Think about it. If you were a man, and your woman didn't take care of herself, berated you, demanded you support her and someone else's kid, and expected you to put up with her screwing around because you weren't exciting enough, what would you do? And then, even if you do put up with all of that, she decides to divorce your ass and the courts start garnishing your paycheck to support other men's children, what would you do?

Seriously ladies, you should count yourselves fortunate that the vast majority of men aren't killers.

Here's an idea. Stay away from the thugs, treat men with respect, and keep your legs closed until you get married. That would solve the problem.

Lady Mac

Western women are the problem, they make horrible mothers and wives. You should mention that in your article.

Ms. Mitchell, I would just like to send cudos out to you for having the guts to write this article no matter how painful it may be. I am a black male(no kids) and it is so disheartening to see black men and are plight. I often give black men a positive response when I see them taking on the responsiblity of rearing there children(even though this should be the exception and not the rule). Ms. Mitchell keep up the good work. I not only read your articles, but I have watched you on "Chicago Tonight" with Phil Ponce. It is nice to see a sister who provokes thought and has substance.

Mrs mitchell i agree on some of the things you write in your columns, and sometimes i believe your not in touch with what really goes on in our communities in this present era. it seems like the black man always get's the bad wrap for what happens in our relationships with our black queens. were not living in the 60's no longer, all of today's black youth are being influenced by the fancy car's, the extra expensive clothes that they grow up watching on T.V. Our black women will sit and talk about good brothas are hard to find and this and that, but their still here, just not in the fancy cars with big rims or on the corner with a package to sell all the time. it doesn't take long to figure out the kind of person that your dealing with before you close that bedroom door. Our queens want that status symbol guy, so now when she get's pregnant and he show's his true colors, we all get labled as bad. As far as marriage, it's overrated, you do not have to be married to raise a productive child as long as the common goal is shared by both parents, which to me is, it's about the child. they're are enough blame to go around, but i never see you writing about how the mother keeps the father from seeing his child because it doesn't work out between them, like i'm going through right now. And then she bad mouths the fathers you want to be an active parent in that childs life as no good. it's time for our queens to step up and share some of the beat down the the good black men have endured for way to long. Just because you mother a child don't make you a good one.

Mary Mitchell, do me a favor and just do not say anything else to black men, at least not until you are one. Can you do that? That'd be great, if you could just do that, yeah, great.

First off, could it be that part of the reason for the falling marriage rate is (shock!!!) black women? SUre they will all have their stories of the man who got away and their 'babies daddies' but I am sure there were other opportunities but they chose a 'player' and got 'played' (so sad).

And you need to check your 'old days' for just as many, if not more girls dissappeared out of town when they got pregnant as did get married.

Why don't you point your rhetoric at 'SistaGurl' and leave it there. Because to be honest, black men are so used to being blamed for every-damned-thing wrong on the planet, you will get a good, 'Yeah, whateva."

We get demonized, even since our youth, yours is just one more voice in that choir. Big deal. Tell us what to do, call us names, tell us how to be, what to be, who to be, how to act, etc., etc., etc...

You, like every one else in that long line, ain't heard a word we said, so many of us just stop talking all together.

"Black man, marry your baby's mother."

You know, coming from a black man that has ALWAYS, and i stress, ALWAYS in previous times (I currently do not date at all.)did only faithful long term relationships, i tried that. She wanted me to change but didn't want to change herself. What did she want of me? To be better with money. Ok...that's acceptable, however when you don't address insecurity issues that threaten a relationship you cannot just marry to get married. I want more than an issue ridden relationship full of naggin on me and her seeing herself as perfect. My son's mother and myself are friends but i would not put myself through that now even if my life depended on it. I have my son equally, and love him with all my being.

I am a black professional and have been for almost 10yrs now in Atlanta, GA. I have been brushed aside time and time again for being the nice guy. Ok, so you want me...a guy that has been loving. Trying his best to follow a Christ like mentality especially with women, no...black women as those were the only i've dated to just marry them? Set myself up for financial ruin via divorce? Are you crazy?!?!?!

And where is the woman's accountability in all of this in relation to why men aren't marrying or can you not see that far with your perception?

I won't waste any further time her on this as it will more than likely be ignored but let me tell you this....

Men...black men are getting real tired of a certain behavior from black women. Women in general in this country and it shows.

It will not change with your words. Our experiences with you have taught us much better and we now vote with our feet...in the opposite direction. You are a strong black woman who does not need us remeber? Have fun with that.

Ja na

Mary,

As a married Black Man raising a family, I have to say the overall tone of this column is dead on. Our community is seriously lacking the leadership that only the Black Man can provide. But at the risk of sounding mean, you are letting sisters off the hook too easy. I can't come to grips with the fact that a Black Woman will allow someone to become their "baby daddy" (a disgusting term I really wish never hit the main stream). I know we don't have a patent on out of wedlock children, but the responsibility of protecting ones self and chastity is solely the responsibility of that Woman. When a MAN: black, white, red, or green, is afforded the opportunity to "get the milk for free" he is going to take it. Period. That is the nature of men. Of course some woman are the victims of unscrupulous men, but I cannot feel sorry for an adult woman who has made the conscious decision to lay with someone, unprotected, who has not made some kind of pledge to her or the potential child that will result from that episode. When women show up to talk shows to pick out the father of their child from what amounts to a Police lineup that cannot be the fault of anyone but that woman. Being raised in a wonderful two parent home has obviously afforded me some knowledge and self-respect I know lots of our people do not have. But the job of a mother begins with a woman DECIDING who the father of her children is going to be. That is the key to the family, the MOTHER. I truly believe Black Woman need to get on their job.

here's a better idea: black women need to stop "settling" for having babies by men that won't commit to marriage with them.

truth is more black women would rather have a baby than a husband. i know. as a black man WITHOUT children i get more puzzled looks from black women when i tell them i don't want children. yet the mention of me having never married does't invoke the same response.

truth is...black men AND women need to get their thing together. don't just put it all on black men. we fertilize the seed...but the woman makes the seed blossom. it's on her just as it is him. peace...

I am appalled at the information that you choose to disseminate about African American Marriage. I am insulted to think that when I am faced with an ignorant assumption that it is unheard of to be Black and married at 32, but to hear that same ignorance from you is disheartening. "Marry your baby's mama"? and "marriage is an economical choice and no longer a moral issue". That leaves room for the mass population to believe our children are not being taught or having values instilled in them. You do our communities no justice and no good with this awful choice of journalism that you have published this week.

I personally know two black guys who have each fathered 6 kids with 6 different women. How can these guys marry their baby's momma? Why should they marry their baby's mommas when the mommas don't care if they're married?

You're just tired of being single Mary. Yelling at the men isn't going to get you a boyfriend. Check out the professional athletes. A whole mess of those rich athletes are married to blondes, real blondes, with blue eyes and white skin. Times have changed Mary, get with the program. Rich black men get blondes, black women get babies. Your job is to figure out how to blame the whites for this mess.

Mary,

You're intractable. Have you dated or slept with any of the women whom you're saying we should be marrying? I am not a black woman basher but I'm out here in the mix
dealing with sisters. Most black men would agree with me when I say that dating many of them isn't easy. That's putting it mildly. And please don't push the, 'Well,
if they're good enough to sleep with they're good enough to marry' angle. I don't think too many people, male or female, take a roll in the hay anticipating a baby.

I don't have any children but I have enough common sense to know that you don't marry a woman because she's with child. You marry a woman because you want to be with her for the rest of your life. We can get into the immorality of extra-marital sex and fornication later, but for now, be mindful that it takes two to tango. Also be mindful that not all baby mamas
want to get married.

What you need to write is a piece in which you tell black women to STOP sleeping with na'er do well black men who don't even bother acting as if they want to marry OR take care of a child.

The onus is not on black men solely and I'm not going to remain silent when you or anyone else says otherwise.

C'mon now accountability in our own community. Why do that when it is easier to blame Republicans? The big fraud.

For the record, I am a college-educated professional Black man. I am in my 40's, unmarried and I DO NOT have children born in or out of wedlock. Now that I have established my credentials, let's get to business.

I agree with Ms. Mitchell's comments 100%. However she did not go far enough. These women choose to have children out-of-wedlock.

Using a condom is a lot easier than preparing baby formula.

I have lost track of the number of well-educated, professional women I've known who after becoming sexually active in their late teens or early twenties suddenly becoming pregnant in their late thirties. I guess the biological clock is ticking. Further, women PICK these no-good men. They will walk right pass the average-looking brother with something going on and seek, pursue and bed Mr. Pretty Boy who is having so much fun, he doesn't see any reason for matrimony.

When a child is conceived two parties are EQUALLY responsible.

It is not just the black man--cowards come in all colors.

"Black man, marry your baby's mother......"

Mary, should that have been the last line of your column? How about asking not to get her pregnant even before you think about marriage?

Just an idea.

Stepping up to the plate Ms. Mitchell. This is not a time for Black men to be sitting in the dugout of life. HAVE to get into the game of Life, and throw some elbows, metaphorically speaking, but literally if we must, just not at one another brothas!

Ms Mitchell, not being ready, or able to get along are excuses. But not having a good enough career (which equal little to no finances and savings) is problematic in all marriages, but seems within the relationships between Black men & women, there is a constant struggle over money, and belittling the male, or the male having low self-esteem. Why are there so many articles, surveys and studies asking "What is Wrong or Why is the Black Male Under-Achieving?".. hhmm..Another topic for another day.

Comprehending the entire spectrum of Black male life, these are NOT excuses but realities, yet ones Black men must continue to struggle against and fight through.

To divert for a minute, I liked the shotgun wedding scenario, only because a Black man, was NOT going to let his daughter go around shaming herself, the family, and by Jesus Blessed Name, make Daddy look like he was not on the job being protector of the family!

Getting back to the marriage issue, at one time Black women married Black men who had limited education or no education at all, while they themselves might have been high school or college graduates. Why some African-American women with higher education levels felt compel to do this was because of Segregation & Jim Crow laws. Before any Whit