Marg, I don't know if you will read this, but I truly hope that you can be happy one day.

Marg, I am so sorry to read this and partially understand. I'm married, but a natural introvert so I don't really have any girlfriends outside of one ex co-worker. My social life is non-existent. I wish people like us could find each other and provide some much-needed support.

Being an only child hasn't helped because it scares me what's down the road for my parents and not having anyone else to help me or to rely on. Social anxiety and my own nature have made me into a solitary person, but sometimes I think it'd be nice to break away from that and have one good friend to rely on.

Hang in there, Marg. Just know there are other people in similar situations.

Dear Marj,

You are a brave soul to write about your loneliness. I too suffer from the condition. We are not alone. At a time when we are ever more socially connected (through the internet), we are actually more isolated as a culture. There are tons of us, many alone through illness,divorce, death of a child, all kinds of things can throw us into this state which gets little attention and carries much stigma.

I heard an interview recently by author Emily White. She wrote a memoir called Lonely-an important, funny and highly supportive read.

Asciana

I have not read Zach's original post, but would like to add this:

When I was 30 years old, I could have written this response. What I did was begin to "advertise" with my friends that I was looking for a "good date." Someone to go to movies with - someone who had time for a dinner once a week, or so. I looked to my existing community and took a chance. I told people I was lonely. I told people that I needed help finding men who were nice - and single. And, then I started dating with a lack of judgement about what that "perfect" person was going to be. I didn't put the restriction of "he's got to be like me," What he had to be was genuine. I have been married to that genuine man I met for nearly 20 years, and can't imagine my life without him. In many ways, he is the opposite of me - and in others ways, he's more like me that I would ever imagine another person could be.

So many people are lonely - and I think it could come from being trapped in our own judgments about others (they drink beer, they don't have a "good" job, they have kids, they are too tall, too short, they live too far away, they like Van Morrison, they are Republican/Democrat, they don't have enough education, they have too much education...)

This solution to my chronic loneliness worked beautifully for me - my thought was my friends know me and like me - they may know others I don't know who would be fun to hang out with...and they did.

Get out there. Don't be afraid to name it. You will find you are SO not alone.

Marg, the single, worst part of living in human society is when you are alone. It is inconceivable that on a planet of over 6 billion human beings, that there is not someone, anyone to share the good and the bad of everyday life with. When you look around, and see others engaged in the everyday interchange of pleasantry and social interaction, you begin to wonder what is wrong with you.

But it's not you -- it's them. They spend entirely too much time compartmentalizing and cataloging others. They erect barriers and defenses against those we do not consider to be part of our "group." Rather than drawing others in, exchanging love, compassion, and empathy, they keep them out.

It is worst of all, when those who claim to be pious, religious people, don't adhere to the words of their own prophets and sages. Christ was about the inclusion of all people in the human milieu, no matter who they are, because we are all children u a God. That so many would claim to worship in his name, but not follow that simple precept is disheartening.

There is love for you in this world, but it will require a great deal of effort to find; the good news is, that such a struggle to find it will make it all the much sweeter when you do. It is out there. I wish you good luck in your search.

Loneliness has to be one of the worst feelings ever. I lived with an active alcoholic for over 6 years and when that relationship was over, I had absolutely no friends and no idea how to make any. It was really hard to believe I was a good person or that anyone would ever love me again, and I really hated being single.

Here is what worked for me:
1) Find a creative outlet. Writing, painting, photography, crafts, whatever. Make something every day, even if it looks terrible and you feel like it is a waste of time. Making something creative on a regular basis rewires your brain and pushes you to think about things differently. Plus: there are lots of inexpensive community education classes to take where you can do bad art with other people.

2) Find a therapist. Many of them have a sliding scale fee schedule. Tell someone what's wrong, talk all you need to, and don't stop talking until you feel better.

3) Take care of your body the best you can. Going to the gym, eating healthy foods, addressing food sensitivities or allergies if you have them, and learning how to meditate can make a HUGE difference in how you feel when you wake up in the morning.

You aren't alone, Marg. The harshest part about how Americans live in community now is that we are more likely to ignore others' pain because it makes us uncomfortable than ever before. Your best shot at not feeling this way for another 50 years is to become your own warrior. Defend your heart, defend your right to take a long time to figure things out, and advocate for yourself in your social circles.

Don't forget to breathe, and most importantly, don't give up on yourself.

Marge, I have been where you are and what I can say to you is bravo. Bravo for being self-aware, for reaching out, for exercising, for MAKING IT. You deserve a medal. It's so hard to be a human these days, and I acknowledge you and your struggle. I've found solace in movies, art, books and music for my whole adult life, and recently in getting involved with my neighborhood. Keep up the hard work of being alone but enjoy the joys of life, too - culture and food and nature, take a vacation if you can, and keep reaching out whenever you can. Love to you from Chicago.

Oh that I could comfort you! I know that lonely, black hole your sitting in. When I feel totally lost I too go within. Have you seen a counselor? Every city has Social Services where it's free or low charge. You may even find your "friend" there, I did. Best luck to you. Louise

"Marg" your post really touched my heart. So many of us in this culture are afraid of grief and even more so of depression. A good example is how people come around the first couple weeks after someone dies, then they stop. It's as if they think some inexplicable time limit has expired and the purpose of their visits has been satisfied. Most in U.S. society are simply not comfortable with sadness. Public displays of sadness; even less so. regardless of how sad one is, sobbing is not acceptable in public, although it is natural and healthy. Why is it that public displays of anger and humor are OK? I suspect that the lack of close, personal friendships for you is not that people don't care as much as they just don't know what to do. People do care, but we are all so trained to be uncomfortable with grief. I wish you much heartfelt comfort as you trudge through this. Big hugs from the Pacific Northwest.

Marg, you helped put my own loneliness in perspective. I have never literally lost my family members to death, just pettiness resentment and malice mostly. But I have lived with that crippling loneliness you speak of, that feeling that seems to follow you around like a mangy dog, preventing you from having any kind of real lasting connection with anyone. It is hard to endure and all social interaction feels like the patches you speak off, like a junkie getting a "fix". All I can tell you is to not lose hope, when you lose hope it's all over. You sound like a strong enough person though. It's sad too, that sometimes we can't even help each other. Everyone's loneliness is different.

First off {{Marg}} a cyber hug! I feel you - I truly do. I am a single mom and have often felt in that in-between place. Don't really fit in with my single friends or my married friends. I'm blessed to have my daughter, but sometimes I'd give my right arm to have a real grown up conversation.

Here's the thing that has helped me. To focus on what I do have, because when I do, that expands and fills my life. But when I'm focusing on what I feel I'm lacking, then lack is all that I feel. Keeping a gratitude journal was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. It helps keep be focused on the good that is in my life. I'm not saying it's easy - when I first started, some days it felt like the only things I had to be grateful for were the sunshine and the stranger that opened the door for me at 7-11. But stick with it. Because your perspective will shift and you'll start to see all the wonderful things that are already in your life.

Also look for ways to expand your life - take classes in things that you're interested in. At the least you learn something, at best you'll meet people that have similar interests. And look for ways to be of service to others. There are so many people in the world who are also lonely and needy. Sign up for meals on wheels maybe Big Brother, Big Sister's.

And lastly, don't underestimate the value of a dog. There is nothing like the unconditional love of a dog. It has saved the life of many lonely people. And best of all,having a dog, is an invitation to one of the nicest groups of all. Dog lovers. Dog parks, dog walks dog shows It's a wonderful way to meet kind hearted giving people!

I wish you the best and I'll keep you in my prayers. I know that you'll fill your life with love, joy and happiness!

"Marg" your post really touched my heart. So many of us in this culture are afraid of grief and even more so of depression. A good example is how people come around the first couple weeks after someone dies, then they stop. It's as if they think some inexplicable time limit has expired and the purpose of their visits has been satisfied. Most in U.S. society are simply not comfortable with sadness. Public displays of sadness; even less so. regardless of how sad one is, sobbing is not acceptable in public, although it is natural and healthy. Why is it that public displays of anger and humor are OK? I suspect that the lack of close, personal friendships for you is not that people don't care as much as they just don't know what to do. People do care, but we are all so trained to be uncomfortable with grief. I wish you much heartfelt comfort as you trudge through this. Big hugs from the Pacific Northwest.

I will be your friend, Marg. I've spent the majority of my life feeling as you do. Some of us are just made that way, for whatever reasons. I believe we loners are the most compassionate, most *real* and honest folks around. We tend to feel things deeply, pick up on subtle hints or "vibes" from others, and are not easily manipulated. Most folks don't like that. We prefer one true friend over many fluffy acquaintances, much of whom are superficial, and take rather than give. We also tend to have more tragedy in our lives and have personally witnessed/been victim to the worst humanity has to offer. That right there makes it difficult to relate to the many who have not, and they in turn cannot relate to us. But you are not alone, Marg. I get you.

Marg, I doubt it will help to know that you are not the only person to feel this way. But you're not. I, too, spend every night, every holiday, every good, bad and indifferent moment alone. Oh, I work and everyone seems to think I'm adorable and charming, but that's just part of the job. I have several pets, they're the only companionship I have. I spend most of my life alone. I haven't seen a movie, eaten a meal or done anything with another person in months. I've never been married, doubt I ever will. It's painfu sometimesl, but it's just the way it is. I do recommend getting a pet, however. That love is something that does make the rough times a little easier to handle. It's hard to feel completely adrift when someone needs you as much as they do. Take care.

Marg: thanks for your honesty and strength in talking about this. No matter the number of people around us and our relationships with them, I think (to some degree) everyone can identify with what you write here. You're connecting with all of us who read this right now :) which makes me think: have you considered taking up creative writing? There are (free) online communities and live meet-ups and writers are generally nice (and generally solitary) folks. Some of my closest friends are people I met through writing communities. If you're interested in exploring something new or meeting people who likely have these same feelings, it's an idea.

In any case, I wanted to let you know that you can count me among those who identify with what you wrote here.

Lots of love to you, Marg.

I do have to add one thing: sure, a dog might be a patch for what you really want, but it can also be considered a gateway drug. Once you have a dog, you end up a lot more relaxed about socializing, which makes it a lot easier to make friends. For one, you know you always have someone to greet you at home, and they do it SO enthusiastically, so it's not as big of a deal to be there. My experience was that once I didn't feel a *need* to go out, I received a lot more invitations. You can also start going to dog-related events, and if things go well, you might even end up arranging play dates, which can lead to stronger connections. If you're in an urban area, I found that people on the street would just talk to me, and once I ended up dating one of those people, all because he said hi to my dog.

Even if you decide not to get a dog, I wish you the best of luck in finding what you want... or whoever is out there looking for you to find you.

My wife passed away just over five years ago. I fell in love with her in high school, but she was engaged to someone else. Eventually we did get together but only after about twenty years (and two husbands and three children for her) had passed, and we were together for about five years before she died. I have no regrets, in the sense of things left unsaid, my biggest sadness about her death is just not having been together longer.

I am not a social person, and after many years of being mostly unemployed (long story), I have very little confidence in myself, and I have difficulty accepting compliments. It's hard to believe nice things people say about you when you don't believe them yourself. It's hard for me even to go to a counselor (which I do) because I feel that all I'm doing is whining and there are others with far more serious issues than mine.

But when I was with my wife it was much better. We built each other up, we enjoyed each other's company, we both were very attracted to each other. But now I'm alone and I feel like I'm just passing time until the end, whenever that comes (and I'm only 49, there's still as many as forty years ahead of me). Thank goodness I don't drink or do drugs, I can't imagine were I'd be if that were the case.

Eventually, though, you get to a point that's beyond despair, a sense of numbness as if you feel you've no reason to keep on going. It's not suicidal, more like a desire to just disappear, to be more of an observer than a participant.

But God help me, I still try. I write, even though I feel I don't have anything that's worth saying. I go out, even though I don't think people enjoy my company. I keep hoping to find someone who would enjoy my company, even though I know my company isn't very good these days. I keep busy with projects and occasionally go on job interviews, even though I know there's nothing I'm so good at that I can make a living from.

Why, I don't know. I think maybe I just hope that something will happen, something will change. It's a slim hope perhaps, but it keeps me going. And I hope you keep going too, Marg, because you never know what can happen.

How to Be Alone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

Best thing to do is embrace it. Do not fight it. Laugh at it. Enjoy your freedom. The more you dwell and obsess on it, the more unhappy you will be.

Most of all, get out into the world. Go to restaurants and eat good food. Go to the movies. Go on vacations to wherever you want! Go to parties and mingle. Mingle everywhere you go. Learn to meditate. Join meetup.com and pick 2 or 3 groups to meet with. Stick with these groups if you like them or find others if you don't.

Create goals and accomplish those goals. Then make more goals and accomplish those ones as well.

Finally, cliche it may sound but learn to love yourself. Learn to enjoy being around yourself. Learn to love and focus on your passions. Forget the word loneliness even exists. Your life will become much richer. Do not search for companionship, let companionship happen naturally, and it will.

Marj, I have been in a similar place. I waited for things to change and then decided I had to change things for myself no matter how hard it would be.
Write yourself a list of where you are today and where you would like to be. Create a plan to get you there. It won't be easy but you will be rewarded in the end.
Find others to help you, a support group, a therapist, an online blog.
Be honest with your friends, they might not know how you really feel or how much you need them.
Life isn't easy but there are bright days to help you through the gloom.
I pray you have some bright days soon.
Gail

Marg, as hard as it is sometimes, keep being the giving loving soul you are.

My heart goes out to you, Marg. I am a very shy person and because of that I can feel pretty alone. But my Christian faith has saved my life. When one by one my family members died, I could feel myself falling into a black hole of depression of no return. But I clung tighter to my faith in God and many scriptures became my lifelines. Jesus wants us to first love God and then love one another. I believe that this is truly the answer. Yes, I still feel alone, especially during the holidays when I miss my beloved family. But by giving friendship, hugs, a smile to someone else can help me more than about anything. Right at this time, I am living temporarily in an apartment building where the other residents are senior citizens. Many are alone and lonely. My greatest joy comes from just talking one on one with a senior, giving a hug, listening to them. It can make a world of difference for us all. Treasure each day.

At times like yours a mental health professional might help you with a WRAP plan...

Marg Hugs and God bless you. You have received some practical and heartfelt suggestions here, to which may I add that you are and will be in my prayers, that as you continue to go to church and study the Bible, you will find inspiration and courage, ears to hear and eyes to see where you are meant to be and all who are meant to be there for you, then receive and act on them. And know that your post has been helpful to us all!

Dear Marg,
You don't say where you live but, if it is Chicago, there are wonderful things for us single people. I am a psychiatrist and single by choice. I have helped many like you and certainly can relate. You have a big heart so fall in love with giving by any means you can find including volunteering. I love Habitat for Humanity. That is a good place to start. Keep us posted.
Dr G

Marg, I understand. And believe it or not, you're having quite the social life compared to some. For instance... compared to me. I am a very social person and also have lots of family on both my and my husband's side. We were a happy family of three, but our life took a very different turn when we decided to adopt a baby 20 years ago who turned out to be on the autism spectrum. I can see it pretty clearly looking back, but at the time I didn't really see how people were isolating us and we them. Our firstborn is grown and living in another state, and our youngest is a 20 year-old adult now--with issues--living with us at home and so I am never alone...but I'm ALWAYS alone. I long for just one person with whom it would be enjoyable to go walking, have a cup of coffee, talk politics on the phone, but it's been very complicated and I either reject the overtures I receive or I can't find someone to fit this mold. I see you Marg. I wish we could be friends. (I know we'd get along because we both read Roger!)

Marg, dear, I understand where you're coming from. I'm divorced, middle-aged, no children. I spend a great deal of my time alone, but I have to admit I often like it that way. My closest family lives a day's drive away, but I have good, caring friends who make sure I'm never left alone for holidays unless I want to be. (Between us, it's better if I stay away from tables full of food, as my waistline is a distant memory.) Still, I wonder what's wrong with me--I have so much to give, how come no one seems to notice? It's just hard getting through the day alone, isn't it?

Having said all that, I agree with "risa" who says you might want to get a pet. Your friends who encourage you to do so are concerned about you being alone, and they want you to have the loving companion that you clearly deserve. They're not saying that you need to settle on a dog because you don't deserve a human or are never going to find one! They just don't want you to be alone. A pet makes all the difference. I have cats myself, and it's wonderful to know that, when I come home at night, there's someone there who loves me and needs me. A dog could make a world of difference for you, as "risa" points out. You have to be more social when you have a dog. And there are so many dogs who need loving homes--many people have had to abandon their pets when they lose their homes to foreclosure. If you're not prepared to bring up a puppy, you may find an older dog who needs a home even more.

Marg, please comment here and let us know how you're doing. We care.

Marg,
I know where you are coming from. I once thought that I was so isolated that the isolation itself was making a loop of loneliness and depression. All I know to say is that I found one key person (on a crew team I joined) and then another key person (at the church choir I joined) and those people opened worlds of communities. After nearly a decade of thinking myself unlovable I now find myself in a community of warm-hearted, beautiful people. I wish I could bring you into it. I wish I could tell you it will all get better. All i know to say is that you have a lot of people thinking of you here.
Much love to you.

You need confidence. My coach taught me long ago that the most attractive thing one can wear is an air of confidence. As long as you let the fears and what-ifs envelope you, things will continue as they are. We make our own destinies, choices, plans, and dreams. Whether or not they happen is up to us.

I have been through many an ordeal, which I choose not to divulge. I will say this: I know what it's like and loneliness still haunts me on occasion. It's ironic that I should find something like this today, as last night I wrote about this subject.

"Though I feel I stand alone, I am not afraid. I will bear this hollow spotlight with solemn dignity. If I feel I am too weak to carry myself any further, I shall seek another's shoulder if only for a moment. I will stand amongst the crowds until a circle is formed and all eyes turn inward to face me. I shall hold my head high and shout, 'I am alone! Just like the rest of you.'" -Damian Black

Stand up, put one foot in front of the other, and move forward. Things can get worse, but they will always get better. I hope you find your path soon.

Marg,

This may sound strange, but your comment read to me like a prose poem. I cried, which is not something I do when I'm sad. My eyes swell with tears almost exclusively when I'm confronted by moments so overwhelmingly filled with truth, honesty, goodness, and humanity that I see an absolute reflection of my own anguish or dreams or experience. I know that I am not alone in having this reaction.

So, of what little consolation it is, your thoughts are shared, I suspect, by most of us (at least to one degree or another). I don't know much of anything about you, but I do know this: You most certainly possess the ability to connect with others.. and you do so with clarity and sincerity. That's a gift. So for what it's worth, thank you for reminding me what it means to be human.

Marge,

Think of it this way. Yes, you may be alone now. What does that give you? Freedom. You may do what you wish. You may go where you wish. If you want to stay awake until 2 to watch a favorite movie, and have ice cream for dinner and pop corn for breakfast, you can. If you want to wear something outrageous, you can. If you like a certain type of music, you can blast it.

Do you see my point? Take advantage of the situation you are in. Some people LONG to be alone, they think they are trapped in whatever loveless situation they find themselves in. Take a class in tap dancing, or ceramics, or medieval history. Whatever you like! Fill your free time with things that give you pleasure. YOU DESERVE NO LESS.

Maybe you want to mentor reading at an elementary school (with all the educational budget cuts across this country, they will probably be grateful) Maybe you want to take interest in the little brother/little sister program in your area. There are many, many service organizations you could join. I just read about one in the Detroit area where volunteers sit with terminal folks that have no one else, so no one dies alone. What a worthy cause that is!

I urge you to pursue some interest outside work and church. Broaden your horizons! There is a whole, big, world out there.

I am a "lonely only" that always has the best companion in the world, herself!! Never having siblings, I've found how to make myself happy. Trite as that sounds. I think I got sassy early. So many people, upon introduction to me as a child, would look upon me with pity, and ask, don't you miss not having brothers and sisters? Poor thing. I would then pipe up, much to my Mother's dismay, and say Nope! That would shock them, and they would then pronounce me spoiled. I couldn't win either way. Either admit to missing out and being miserable, or getting labeled spoiled.

The magic in making yourself happy first and foremost? People will be interested in the same things you are. People taking that tap dancing class are there because they want to be, too. That gives you a topic of conversation with them. If nothing else, a good ice breaker is: I took this class because of X,Y, Z. Why did you? Works every time!

Sorry to write such a novel. If you can't tell already, I wish you all the best. Hope this helps you Marge!

the one you search for is within you, once you find it and get to know it you will never be alone.
info at www.wopg.org.

Hi Marj,

I just wanted to add my voice here. To TB too, and Lori, your comment resonated with me as well.

At the moment, I have no one who would even notice if I dropped dead, except my roommate. I'm 44, single, never been married and had a life full of trauma and abuse. I have chronic health problems so I can't work much, but do as much as I can.
I stopped contact with my parents because they are abusive. I'm one of the sensitive, introvert types too and because of the difficult stuff I've been through, I isolate. I've tried online dating, it's very difficult, I feel like a piece of meat when I go to the site.
When I think of how most people take things like having a body to lie next to at night for granted, I get really depressed.
Simple human touch is a need, even just a hug or pat on the back.

One day last summer I worked for 4 hours, I was so exhausted because of my health, I was in bed at 5 pm on a gorgeous, summer Saturday night. I could hear people laughing and kids playing out my window. There aren't words to describe that kind of loneliness.

There seem to be a lot of us. I know how you feel.

Wow. I just want to thank everyone for their comments. They're words I will return to in the future, to put a little thaw on the frost. I think going to work tomorrow will be different: the people I pass may be any one of you, and I will gratefully look you in the eyes and smile.

Marg,

I love you very much.

I. M. Strange

Marj, you are not the only one. If you are ever looking for a friend through the internet, know there are many of us who would love to keep in touch.

Thanks so much for all the wonderful comments I feel like you all know what I feel. I've done all the things you talk about ,I am in prayer groups and function with the church and I Volunteer for the elderly , I have hobbies, go to the gym, work in my garden. I am blessed for sure because all my body parts are still working. I've done therapy after each tradedy in my life, Rape, battered wife syndrome, drug addicted husband, loss of a child , abandonment by family, care for mother with Alzheimers, suicide of nephew..life is a journey and I feel it all has made me more compassionate ..but my cup is empty and needs alittle refilling, you can give and be involved and still feel alone. But Faith does help because when I'm totally at a loss he finds me there and gives me hope ..like sending me to this web page where all of you helped me today.. Thank you.

Marg, Lori, T.B. and all the other Rogerites :), it seems like we live in a world where it's harder and harder to meaningfully connect with each other. That increasing difficulty strikes us all, and those who've lost family and friends are hit hardest.

Please don't give up. Please don't decide you are unloveable. No one is. Everyone has the admirable qualities within that others would love...if only they could meaningfully connect and see. Don't give up. You are worth too much to let go.

You put the feeling into words. I've been feeling the same way for the past couple years. Of being lonely, having multiple acquaintances but no one wanting to know how you are, wondering if there's something unpleasant about you, feeling like you have nothing to offer people, wanting a significant other who feels a true friend. I hope things change.