You better watch out
You better not cry
You better have clout
We're telling you why
Two Thumbs Down
are comin' to town
We're making a list,
Checking it twice;
Gonna find out whose
movie was scheiss.
Sandy Claws is comin' to town.
We see you when you're (bleeping),
We know when you're a fake
We know if you've been bad or good
So be good for cinema's sake!
As I dream back over many happy years of movie going, some of my favorite lines from old reviews dance in my head like visions of sugarplums. Good movies, bad movies, doesn't matter, just so the zingers dance. Today I thought I'd share those lines in the holiday spirit. Curiously, most of the lines come from movies so bad I didn't want a refund, I wanted to collect damages. Movies like "Freddy Got Fingered," of which I wrote:
This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.
The movie is being revived around the country for midnight cult showings. Midnight is not late enough. -- Review of "The Beyond"
That makes "Hellbound: Hellraiser II" an ideal movie for audiences with little taste and atrophied attention spans who want to glance at the screen occasionally and ascertain that something is still happening up there. If you fit that description, you have probably not read this far, but what the heck, we believe in full-service reviews around here.
You are a fount of my wisdom. -- e-mail to a plagiarist
Violet and Corky have a secret tete-a-tete, and vice versa .--"Bound"
Maybe another 200 cigarettes would have helped; coughing would be better than some of this dialogue. -- "200 Cigarettes"
Doris: Would you please tell her that you're not really Santa Claus, that actually is no such person?
Kris Kringle: Well, I hate to disagree with you, but not only IS there such a person, but here I am to prove it.
Eventually the secret of Those, etc., is revealed. To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we're back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backwards out of the theater and go down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our pockets. - "The Village"
I know full well I'm expected to Suspend My Disbelief. Unfortunately, my disbelief is very heavy, and during "Ocean's Thirteen," the suspension cable snapped.--"Ocean's Thirteen"
"Oh Heavenly Dog" becomes another one of those insufferable movies in which the plot grinds to a dead halt while the trained dog does his tricks. You know: A-ha! The dead woman is connected in some way with the art gallery! Now let's watch Benji pick up a pencil in his teeth and dial the telephone!
I found a big poster that was fresh off the presses with the quotes of junket blurbsters. "It will obliterate your senses!'' reports David Gillin, who obviously writes autobiographically. "It will suck the air right out of your lungs!'' vows Diane Kaminsky. If it does, consider it a mercy killing. -- "Armageddon"
"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys." -- "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"
-- This book will be published by Andrews & McMeel in late spring of 2012.
No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out. --"Armageddon"
Keanu Reeves is often low-key in his roles, but in this movie, his piano has no keys at all. He is so solemn, detached and uninvolved he makes Mr. Spock look like Hunter S. Thompson at closing time. -- "The Day the Earth Stood Still"
If there is one thing you should know before driving cross-country in an RV, it is: Never eat organ meats supplied by a man you have never seen before, just because he happens to turn up with a lot of organs. -- "RV"
Up in the old gothic horror house on the hill, he has found a note from his mother, asking him to meet her in Cabin Number 12. We know that although his mother may have frequent conversations with him, she is in no condition to write him a note. Norman knows that, too. He stuffed her himself.-- "Psycho III"
"Mr. Magoo is transcendently bad. It soars above ordinary badness as the eagle outreaches the fly.
According to the press kit, "Straight to Hell" was filmed in three weeks on a shoestring budget of $1 million, but looks more as if it were filmed in one week on Cox's MasterCard.
Did you know that if a certain kind of worm learns how to solve a maze, and then you grind it up and feed it to other worms, the other worms will then be able to negotiate the maze on their first try? That's one of the scientific nuggets supplied in "Phantoms," a movie, based on the popular Dean Koontz novel, that seems to have been made by grinding up other films and feeding them to this one.
A sullen lout who lurks about looking like a charade with the answer, "Leonardo DiCaprio." -- "Marie Baie des Anges""
I am informed that 5,000 cockroaches were used in the filming of "Joe's Apartment." That depresses me, but not as much as the news that none of them were harmed during the production."Boat Trip arrives preceded by publicity saying many homosexuals have been outraged by the film. Not that the film is outrageous. That would be asking too much." -- "Boat Trip"
"I know aliens from other worlds are required to arrive in New Mexico, but why stay there?" -- "Thor"
"Dirty Love" wasn't written and directed, it was committed." -- "Dirty Love"
"I would rather eat a golf ball than see this movie again." -- "Seven Days in Utopia"
"The movie didn't have nearly enough scenes of Sheena standing under waterfalls and Sheena going sunbathing. I have a feeling there was a way that Tanya Roberts could have saved this movie." -- "Sheena"
I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that.
Through a stroke of good luck, the entire third reel of the film was missing the day I saw it. I went back to the screening room two days later, to view the missing reel. It was as bad as the rest, but nothing could have saved this film. As my colleague Gene Siskel observed, "If the third reel had been the missing footage from Orson Welles' 'The Magnificent Ambersons,' this movie would still have sucked." -- "Little Indian, Big City"
Last week I hosted the first Overlooked Film Festival at the University of Illinois, for films that have been unfairly overlooked. If I ever do a festival of films that deserve to be overlooked, "Friends & Lovers" is my opening night selection.
I stopped taking notes on my Palm Pilot and started playing the little chess game. --"Masterminds "
John Waters' "Pink Flamingos" has been restored for its 25th anniversary revival, and with any luck at all that means I won't have to see it again for another 25 years. If I haven't retired by then, I will.
They arrive on this "mortal coil" (Shakespeare) from that level "higher than the sphery chime" (Milton), and we expect their speech to flow in 'heavenly eloquence' (Dryden). But when they open their little mouths, what do they say? "Diaper gravy"--a term used four times in the movie, according to a friend who counted (Cleland). -- "Baby Geniuses"
Going to see "Godzilla" at the Palais of the Cannes Film Festival is like attending a satanic ritual in St. Peter's Basilica.
Film noir is not about action and victory, but about incompetence and defeat. If it has a happy ending, something went wrong. -- "After Dark, My Sweet"
If Almadovar is right, some of our most exciting sexual experiences take place entirely within the minds of other people. -- "Bad Education"
There's always a kid who has to see for himself
The Soderbergh film makes the point that few things are more boring than what arouses someone else -- unless it also arouses you, of course, in which case you can forget the other person and just get on with it. -- "Eros"
Later Ollie gives her a camera and she becomes a photographer, and even has a gallery exhibit of her works, which look like photos taken on vacation with cellphone cameras and e-mailed to you by the children of friends. -- "A Lot like Love"
He's not an alcoholic, you understand; he's an oenophile, which means he can continue to pronounce French wines long after most people would be unconscious. We realize he doesn't set the bar too high when he praises one vintage as "quaffable." No wonder his unpublished novel is titled (ital) The Day After Yesterday; (unital) for anyone who drinks a lot, that's what today always feels like.--"Sideways"
"Show me a man who is not afraid of being eaten by an alligator in a sewer, and I'll show you a fool." -- "Alligator"
Stamp, as Brigham Young, comes across as the kind of man you'd find at the back of a cave in a Cormac McCarthy novel. -- "September Dawn"
The Silver Sphere is about twice the size of a billiard ball. It has a couple of very sharp hooks built into it. It flies through the air, attaches itself to your forehead, and digs in. Then a drill comes out and pierces your skull just above the bridge of the nose, while blood spurts out the other end. I hate it when that happens. -- "Phantasm"
That creature is called The Licker because it has a nine-foot tongue. At one point it has its tongue nailed to the track and is dragged along the third rail. I hate when that happens. -- "Resident Evil"
This is an ideal first movie for infants, who can enjoy the bright colors on the screen and wave their tiny hands to the music. -- "Viva Rock Vegas"
She and Daredevil are powerfully attracted to each other, and even share some PG-13 sex, which is a relief, because when superheroes have sex at the R level, I am always afraid someone will get hurt. -- "Daredevil"
Doing research on the Web is like using a library assembled piecemeal by pack rats and vandalized nightly. -- column for Yahoo! Internet Life
I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny. -- Response to Vincent Gallo's hex to give me colon cancer
Sixty seconds of wondering if someone is about to kiss you is more entertaining than 60 minutes of kissing. -- "The Winslow Boy"
I am aware this is the second time in two weeks I have been compelled to quote Lear, but there are times when Eminem simply will not do. -- "The Life of David Gale"
It was W. C. Fields who hated to appear in the same scene with a child, a dog, or a plunging neckline--because nobody in the audience would be looking at you. Jennifer Aniston has the same problem in this movie even when she's in scenes all by herself. -- "Picture Perfect"
The beautiful Monique insists on joining their expedition and cannot be dissuaded; we think at first she has a nefarious motive, but no, she's probably taken a class in screenplay construction and knows that the film requires a sexy female lead. This could be the first case in cinematic history of a character voluntarily entering a movie because of the objective fact that she is required. -- "Around The World In 80 Days"
The movie delights me with its cocky confidence that the audience can keep up. 'Primer' is a film for nerds, geeks, brainiacs, Academic Decathlon winners, programmers, philosophers and the kinds of people who have made it this far into the review. It will surely be hated by those who 'go to the movies to be entertained', and embraced and debated by others, who will find it entertains the parts the others do not reach. -- "Primer "
These people are hanging on by each other's fingernails. -- "Winter Passing"
He and the women make out in this movie as if trying to apply unguent inside each other's clothes. -- "Ulysses' Gaze"
She is the kind of person who can put two and two together using one two." -- "Manhattan Murder Mystery"
She and I stripped, covered ourselves with talcum powder, and went
bareback riding on a water-smooth silver stallion under the smiling Norwegian moon. We found bliss beside an ancient fjord where the Vikings sailed their dragon ships. Oh, what a night it was!" -- In Time Out magazine, in response to a query about the first time I made love
Ralphie about to maybe shoot someone's eye out.
"Heaven's Gate" is the most scandalous cinematic waste I have ever seen, and remember, I've seen "Paint Your Wagon."
Two things that cannot be convincingly faked are laughter and orgasm. If a movie made you laugh, as a critic you have to be honest and report that. Not so much with orgasms.
Ron Jeremy, for those not willing to admit they know who he is, has been in more porn films than anyone else. His popularity is easily explained: Every man alive believes that any woman would prefer him to Ron Jeremy. -- "Orgazmo"
I have often asked myself, "What would it look like if the characters in a movie were animatronic puppets created by aliens with an imperfect mastery of human behavior?" Now I know. -- "Friends and Lovers"
This film obtained a PG-13 rating, depressing evidence of how comfortable with vulgarity American teenagers are presumed to be. Apparently you can drink shit just as long as you don't say it. -- "Austin Powers II"
Samantha doesn't speak English at first, but quickly learns, no doubt in the same way the other actors have learned: by speaking their usual language, and having it dubbed. -- "Mighty Peking Man"
I had a nice conversation with seven or eight people coming down on the escalator after we all saw "Silent Hill." They wanted me to explain it to them. I said I didn't have a clue. They said, "You're supposed to be a movie critic, aren't you?" I said, "Supposed to be. But we work mostly with movies."
Among the lessons every young man should learn is this one: All women who like you because you make them laugh sooner or later stop laughing, and then why do they like you? -- "Igby Goes Down"
Here is a useful lesson. When you go to the pet lady and she shows you a group of Labrador puppies and one is cheaper than all the others, this is not the time to go bargain-hunting. -- "Marley & Me"
"This may be the first time in history that people have been asked to pay money to see an annuity in action. -- "Smokey and the Bandit Part 3"
North Pole! Final stop! (Clickable to visualize 3-D effect)
All comes together at the end. Landmarks are saved, hearts are mended, long-deferred love is realized, coincidences are explained, the past is healed, the future is assured, the movie is over. I liked the last part the best. -- "Till There was You"
Forget about fighting the ghosts; they ought to attack the sub-woofer. -- "13 Ghosts"
All I want for Christmas is to never see "All I Want for Christmas" again.
Ellen Brody has become convinced that the shark is following her. It wants revenge against her entire family. Her friends pooh-pooh the notion that a shark could identify, follow or even care about one individual human being, but I am willing to grant the point, for the benefit of the plot. I believe that the shark wants revenge against Mrs. Brody. I do. I really do believe it. After all, her husband was one of the men who hunted this shark and killed it, blowing it to bits. And what shark wouldn't want revenge against the survivors of the men who killed it? -- "Jaws: The Revenge"
The nauseating sight of baby Sly on a disco floor, dressed in the white suit from "Saturday Night Fever'' and dancing to "Stayin' Alive," had me pawing under my seat for the bag my Subway Gardenburger came in, in case I felt the sudden need to recycle it. -- "Baby Geniuses"
Here it is at last, the first 150-minute trailer. "Armageddon" is cut together like its own highlights. -- "Armageddon"
The Psychlos can fly between galaxies, but look at their nails: Their civilization has mastered the hyper drive but not the manicure. -- "Battlefield Earth"
For stunning displays of stupidity, Terl takes the cake; as chief of security for the conquering aliens, he doesn't even know what humans eat, and devises an experiment: "Let it think it has escaped! We can sit back and watch it choose its food." Bad luck for the starving humans that they capture a rat. An experiment like that, you pray for a chicken. -- "Battlefield Earth"
"Charlie's Angels' is eye candy for the blind."
On the first page of my notes, I wrote "Starts slow." On the second page, I wrote "Boring." On the third page, I wrote "Endless!" On the fourth page, I wrote: "Bite-size shredded wheat, skim milk, cantaloupe, frozen peas, toilet paper, salad stuff, pick up laundry. -- "Exit to Eden"
There's a French actor named George Coraface in the title role, he looks great, he has a terrific smile, his teeth are brushed, but if he were leading me across the street I'd be afraid I'd fall off the other curb. -- "Christopher Columbus: The Discovery"
There's children throwing snowballs / instead of throwing heads / they're busy building toys / and absolutely no one's dead!
As Torquemada, the inquisitor, Brando sulks about the set looking moody and delivering his lines with the absolute minimum of energy necessary to be audible. He's phoned in roles before, but this was the first time I wanted to hang up. -- "Christopher Columbus: The Discovery"
They say state-of-the-art special effects can create the illusion of anything on the screen, and now we have proof: It's possible for the Jim Henson folks and Industrial Light and Magic to put their heads together and come up with the most repulsive single creature in the history of special effects, and I am not forgetting the Chucky doll or the desert intestine from "Star Wars." To see the snowman is to dislike the snowman. -- "Jack Frost"
Among the great unrecorded conversations in Hollywood history, we must now include the one in which Chevy Chase's agent convinced him that playing Benji would be the right career move. -- "Oh Heavenly Dog"
Every once in a while a movie comes along that makes me feel like a human dialysis machine. The film goes into my mind, which removes its impurities, and then it evaporates into thin air. --"Erik the Viking"
"Mad Dog Time' is the first movie I've seen that doesn't improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time. It is like waiting for the bus in a city where you're not sure they have a bus line.
Hitchcock said a movie should play the audience like a piano. "Death Race" played me like a drum. It is an assault on all the senses, including common.
The characters have no small talk. Their dialogue consists of commands, explanations, exclamations and ejaculations. Yes, an ejaculation can be dialogue. If you live long enough you may find that happening frequently. --"Resident Evil"
The end of a long, hard day
This movie is a real curiosity. It's dead. I don't mean it's bad. A lot of bad movies are throbbing with life. 'Mannequin' is dead. Halfway through, I was ready for someone to lead us in reciting the rosary."-- "Mannequin"
The press notes say it comes 'from the comedy laboratory of HBO's Emmy Award-winning Chris Rock Show.'' It's like one of those lab experiments where the room smells like swamp gas and all the mice are dead. -- "Pootie Tang"
I don't recall the Spot books describing the hero rolling around in doggy poo, or a gangster getting his testicles bitten off, but times change. -- "See Spot Run"
During the past week, I have seen the end of "The Blind Dead," the beginning of "The Devil's Widow," and two of the three dimensions of "Prison Girls." Here is my report. 'Prison Girls' was the toughest because the right lens fell out of my 3-D glasses and got lost on the floor. That was the whole ball game right there.
This movie has to be seen to be believed. On the other hand, maybe that's too high a price to pay." --"Highlander 2: The Quickening"
It is an astounding fact. The snowman on Charlie's front lawn is a living, moving creature inhabited by the personality of his father. It is a reflection of the lame-brained screenplay that despite having a sentient snowman, the movie casts about for plot fillers, including a school bully, a chase scene, snowball fights, a hockey team, an old family friend to talk to Mom--you know, stuff to keep up the interest between those boring scenes when the snowman is TALKING. -- "Jack Frost"
I didn't feel like a viewer during "Frozen Assets." I felt like an eyewitness at a disaster. If I were more of a hero, I would spend the next couple of weeks breaking into theaters where this movie is being shown, and leading the audience to safety.
Call me hardhearted, call me cynical, but please don't call me if they make "Home Alone 3." -- "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York"
The priest, however, has the movie's best line: "I'm busy! I've got chicken entrails to read!" -- "Rapa Nui"
I knew we were in trouble when Karen Allen told Thierry Lhermitte he had the most beautiful eyes she'd ever seen. His eyes looked more to me like the kind of eyes where, when you turned up looking like that, the nuns sent you to see the school nurse. -- "Until September"
A lifetime dedicated to the study of the cinema and I'm analyzing Goobot and Ooblar. -- "Jimmy Neutron"
This movie is shameless. It's not merely a tearjerker. It extracts tears individually by liposuction, without anesthesia. -- "Patch Adams"
If this guy broke into my hospital room and started tap-dancing with bedpans on his feet, I'd call the cops. I've been lucky enough to discover doctors who never once found it necessary to treat me while wearing a red rubber nose. -- "Patch Adams"
This is a role Robin Williams was born to play. In fact, he was born playing it. -- "Patch Adams"
This illustration appeared in a magazine about 20 years ago. When he saw it, Gene said, "Thank God I had my hands above the blanket." (Clickable)
After his big speech, the courtroom doors open up, and who walks in? All those bald little chemotherapy kids Patch cheered up earlier. And yes, dear reader, each and every one is wearing a red rubber nose. Should these kids be out of bed? Their immune systems are shot to hell. If one catches cold and dies, there won't be any laughing during the malpractice suit. -- "Patch Adams"
I waited all through the closing credits hoping to see a blooper reel from Strom Thurmond's birthday party which would have brought this film to it's logical conclusion. - Gods and Generals"
"Pearl Harbor' is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on Dec. 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle.
She gobbles down tuna and sushi. Her eyes have vertical pupils instead of round ones. She sleeps on a shelf. The movie doesn't get into the litter box situation. -- "Catwoman"
The director, whose name is "Pitof," was probably issued with two names at birth and would be wise to use the other one on his next project. -- Catwoman
Some of the acting is better than the film deserves. Make that all of the acting. Actually, the film stock itself is better than the film deserves. -- "Revolver"
Any movie that employs an oven mitt and a plumber's friend in a childbirth scene cannot be all bad. -- "Big Momma's House"
Will there be a scene where Sara's faithful gay friend bathes and comforts her? Yes, because it is a convention of movies like this that all sexy women have gay friends who materialize on demand to perform nursing and hygiene chores. (Advice to gay actor in next remake: Insist, "Unless I get two good scenes of my own, I've emptied my last bedpan." -- "Sweet November"
Pamela Anderson Lee, while not a great actress, is a good sport. She's backlit in endless scenes where, if she could have figured out a way to send her breasts in separately, she could have stayed at home. -- "Barb Wire"
"Dear God" is the kind of movie where you walk out repeating the title.
This is a rare movie with enough common sense that after Crawford has been blown up, dumped in the sea, shot at during a shower and dragged through a parking garage, her co-star has the consideration to say, 'Hey, if you need a clean shirt or something, better do it now." -- Fair Game
I began to flash back to "Trog" (1970). This is an example of camp that was found, not made. That it was directed by the great cinematographer Freddie Francis, I have absolutely no explanation for. That it starred Joan Crawford, in almost her final movie role, I think I understand. Even though she was already enshrined as a Hollywood goddess, she was totally unable to stop accepting roles, and took this one against all reason. The plot of "Trog," which I will abbreviate mercilessly, involves a hairy monster. When it goes on a killing spree and is captured, Joan Crawford, an anthropologist, realizes it is a priceless scientific find: The Missing Link between ape and man. Then Trog kidnaps a small girl and crawls into a cave, and reader, although many years have passed since I saw the movie, I have never forgotten the sight of Crawford in her designer pantsuit and all the makeup, crawling on her hands and knees into the cave and calling out, "Trog! Trog!" As if Trog knew the abbreviation of its scientific name. -- "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra."
There is a scene in "Exit to Eden" in which the hero butters Dana Delaney's breast, sprinkles it with cinnamon, and licks it before taking bites from a croissant. I'm thinking: The breast or the croissant, make up your mind.
If you, under any circumstances, see "Little Indian, Big City," I will never let you read one of my reviews again.
Thanks to reader Jerry Roberts of Birmingham, Alabama, and WikiQuotes for some of these.
A package arrives at dinner time
I triple-dog-dare-you to watch this review
"A Christmas Story" isn't on Netflix Instant, but for 99 cents you can stream it on Amazon. This blog originally appeared in slightly different form in 2009.
This gem has stayed with me: "Some people have bad taste. Others have taste more like mine."
i've always enjoyed this.
"Bad films are easy to make, but a film as unpleasant as Baby Geniuses achieves a kind of grandeur."
I'm glad you collected these. I think my favorite may be for Night at the Museum 2:
"Like ectoplasm from a medium, it is the visible extrusion of a marketing campaign."
I'm surprised it didn't show up on the DVD cover.
I never considered Pink Flamingos a GREAT film but I still get a kick out of the dialogue and the way it is delivered.
Great list of put-downs regardless! Always loved when you really let a movie have it!
Your comment on "The Brown Bunny" reminds me of something my dad once told me; when he was looking at his intestines on the screen from the colonoscopy operating table, he asked the technician whether she thought the camera added ten pounds.
Ebert: ROFLMAO
I'm tweeting this tonight.
One of my favourite one-sentence reviews, which I can no longer find online, was of the Doctor Who audio play "The Ghosts of N-Space." The reviewer simply stated that the CD release was better than the novelisation because the book didn't make the same satisfying crunching noise when he jumped up and down on it.
I'm flattered! So glad you found this funny. Dad has lots of stories that are just as good as this one, but this is the first to get media attention, hah! He's gonna be dumbfounded. :)
One of my favorite film reviews from you was when you reviewed Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy -- "...awful, terrible, dreadful, stupid, idiotic, unfunny, labored, forced, painful, bad." Gene asked you to see it again, and you said maybe sometime in the next century which we are about 12 years into. I just uploaded the review the other day http://bit.ly/vG5LvT . As for your review of The Christmas Story, the link above is dead, but it is working here http://bit.ly/t4Y7Oe
Sixty seconds of wondering if someone is about to kiss you is more entertaining than 60 minutes of kissing.
Roger, if you truly believe that you need some kissing lessons. :-)
Nice to see this classic reappear. But you should consider adding some gems from your more recent reviews. Here are some from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
""Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys."
"The movie has been signed by Michael Bay. This is the same man who directed "The Rock" in 1996. Now he has made "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen." Faust made a better deal."
"There are many great-looking babes in the film, who are made up to a flawless perfection and look just like real women, if you are a junior fanboy whose experience of the gender is limited to lad magazines."
"If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination."
We need to add a new word to the Urban Dictionary: "Ebertisms"
Wow, what a treat Roger, thank you. I wonder if any of these lines came to you while you were enduring one of these distasteful film abominations or if the zingers were like mouthwash once you got home.
Reading these reminded me of one of favorite scenes from Spinal Tap, when Rob Reiner is reading the band reviews of their albums. I especially love the two word review for "Shark Sandwich"....
I was looking up some reviews/info for the Friday the 13th films, because that's what I was doing, and loved yours for pt. 2:
"She tiptoes into the kitchen. Through the open window, a cat springs into the room. The audience screamed loudly and happily: It's fun to be scared. Then an unidentified man sunk an ice pick into the girl's brain, and, for me, the fun stopped."
Your opening sentence for "New Year's Eve" is a lovely zinger as well.
My favorite, which I still use occasionally: To call "A Lot like Love" dead in the water is an insult to water.
Always loved when you said of a bad movie: "Two hours of my life I can never get back..."
Just priceless....unlike the movies themselves! I had to agree with the comments about The Village. Not one of best....and it did make me want to go back in time to before I wasted my money on it. It must be torture to HAVE to sit through these horrible films, and I give you all the credit in the world, Roger, that you are able to endure the pain it must cause you. I have walked out of very few movies in my life (mostly because I feel that I've invested the money and time so I'll see it through to the end) and I can only imagine that you must dream of being able to just GET UP AND LEAVE>>>>>> Ha! Hope you and Chaz have a wonderful holiday season and that you get to enjoy some GOOD movies!
My favorite quote from you is from the review of Twilight: New Moon:
"The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan."
Should have been in the list above.
Also, TBS plays A Christmas Story on repeat for 24 hours every year on Christmas Day. So if you're visiting relatives who have cable, there's that....
"...which would have brought this film to it's logical conclusion."
I'll take "Incorrect Use of Apostrophes" for five hundred, Alex.
Meanwhile, you owe me a gut. Busted mine reading these quotes.
This is funny, yet, in a way, sad. My first thought was to wonder whether you could identify a single movie as the absolute worst ever so that we might develop a kind of baseline by which other horrors could be measured. Then I thought, no, this would be like Mr. Fahrenheit establishing 0 degrees on the basis of a particular chemical mix on a particular day. There will always be another, colder, concoction that will eventually come along.
My second thought was that it would be interesting if you could provide a formula for cinematic blunders, maybe in the form of a list, e.g., "Here are the eleven most crucial or typical bad choices that directors make which inevitably result in water-boarding-like experiences for those movie-goers who view the results."
Ebert: I stopped taking notes on my Palm Pilot and started playing the little chess game. --"Masterminds "
AHA! Now I know exactly what to get you for Xmas - a Nintendo DS. I'm sure you'll appreciate Pokemon battle chess when The Sitter 2 comes out.
After clicking on the Christmas painting of you and Gene, I can see why he was glad his hands were visible. The expression on his face made me LOL.
What a perfectly cantankerous missive for the holidays! I love it! Or, in the spirit of our most exalted critic, "I laughed, I cried. Way better than 'Cats'".
I adore a curmudgeon in his finest hour. And, sir, I believe you have not lost a beat. These delightful zingers will indeed keep me warm inside while the weather outside.....well, I live in South Texas, so actually we are still keeping the air conditioner on occasionally. But you get my (*ahem*) drift. And the homage to the classics on the sidelines - wonderful!
I would absolutely give this "two thumbs up", if you'll pardon the phrase. Seriously, though, the picture of you and Ms. Chaz was the best part - I suppose like all good films (of which there seem to be precious few as compared to the monstrosities you have to sit through before you can go back to the ticket booth to "collect damages"), you saved the best for last. A wonderful holiday to you and yours, Mr. Ebert!
In several of your best lines you are channeling the spirit of Groucho Marx, especially this one:
Some of the acting is better than the film deserves. Make that all of the acting. Actually, the film stock itself is better than the film deserves. -- "Revolver"
I hear that one in his voice instead of yours. Don't think I could pay you a higher compliment!
Best wishes to you and Chaz!
Your last quote intrigues me, Roger. Now I want to watch "Little Indian, Big City," just to see if your site automatically blocks me after watching it...
This was purely fantastic. Despite the public over-dramatization, I really enjoyed your spats with Rob Schneider (the Pulitzer Prize smackdown) and Vincent Gallo (the Winston Churchill jab). No matter what depths they stooped to, you always offered a classy and resoundingly superior retort.
You might as well link to the website dedicated to S&E:
http://siskelandebert.org/video/3OBSYABR4RWW/A-Christmas-Story-1983
A few of my favorites:
To name the ship "Icarus I" seems like asking for trouble in two ways, considering the fate of the original Icarus and the use of a numeral that ominously leaves room for a sequel. -- "Sunshine"
What can an actor, even one as good as Patricia Clarkson, do with a line like, "There are things about Mike you don't know ... things Cal doesn't know," without sounding like Pee-wee Herman? -- "Legendary"
I'm not saying a 19th century representational style is superior to Twombly, but I do believe that in a freshman class, the purpose of a self-portrait assignment is to draw something that looks like it might be you. Students have to learn to walk before they can crawl. -- "Art School Confidential"
"Heaven's Gate" is the most scandalous cinematic waste I have ever seen, and remember, I've seen "Paint Your Wagon."
Priceless !
MC & HNY Roger !
The last few lines of your reviews of 'The Elephant Man' and 'A Clockwork Orange' I've always regarded as among your most memorably hysterical.
(P.S. it's going to take a long, long time, and probably several gallons of Egg Nog, to expunge the image of that Christmas card of yours from my mind... 'what has been seen cannot be unseen', indeed)
How could you forget this little bon mot?
""Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination."
Ebert: I just went in and added it.
You've got all my favorites here (including the relatively-obscure "diaper gravy"), except your classic invocation of Churchill:
"Yes, I am fat, but one day I will be thin, and [Vincent Gallo] will still be the director of 'The Brown Bunny'."
I have loathed Munk chortle for over 50 years now. Mr. Ebert has let down his readership by refusing to see the grating rodents' last two cinematic chestnuts. They should have been warned. In lieu of this critical lapse, I offer Lloyd's famous observation as most descriptive of the latest efforts from Chipmunkdom.
Most Annoying Sound - Dumb and Dumber
youtube.com/watch?v=JPaaj17aS-s
I will always remember the line from your review about the film "Caligula" while you were at the drinking fountain. I've never seen the film, and I don't think I have missed anything.
Happy Holidays-
"Charlie's Angels' is eye candy for the blind."
Roger, reading this selection of your witticisms was better than any comedy I have ever seen! You are a very funny man!
Much leads up to a scene in a tent on a mountaintop in the midst of a howling blizzard, when Bella’s teeth start chattering. Obviously a job for the hot-blooded Jacob and not the cold-blooded Edward, and as Jacob embraces and warms her, he and Edward have a cloying cringe fest in which Edward admits that if Jacob were not a werewolf, he would probably like him, and then Jacob admits that if Edward were not a vampire — well, no, no, he couldn’t. Come on, big guy. The two of you are making eye contact. Edward’s been a confirmed bachelor for 109 years. Get in the brokeback spirit. - "The Twilight Saga: Eclipse"
You didn't enjoy THE BEYOND? It made me feel like my soul would rupture from maggots.
I've seen it several times over and it never fails to displease me. I'd call that a success! (That was, after all, Fulci's goal.)
Merry Christmas to you both! I'm looking forward to the book.
I always liked the closing line in your review of "The Last Boy Scout." You acknowledged the movie's craft and skill but deplored its misogyny. You gave it three stars. As for your famous thumb, you said you'd use it and your forefinger to hold your nose.
I believe you also had a review in which you said the movie was so bad it failed even to improve upon the sight or notion of a blank screen.
I saw "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" last night. I thought it was outstanding, and I feel that Rooney Mara deserves an Oscar nomination. The violence in the film was brutal, prompting me to post on Facebook, "There's one scene involving two hard kicks that'll make you forget all about what the Joker did to make that pencil disappear in The Dark Knight."
"My remaining question involves the title. Call me foolish, but I don't consider "Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief" an ideal title. The movie's original title was "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief," which at least has the advantage of sounding less like a singing group."
I prefer "It's bigger then an Eldorado!" from "Alligator."
ROTFLMAO
I didn't think a blog of zingers could make me win the "Beverage Out of the Nose" award three consecutive times! Perhaps a book of zingers could outsell the book of bad movies!
And I absolutely love the homage holiday card. I printed it and taped it to the door with all of my other holiday cards.
May you and Chaz have a wonderful holiday season and a happy New Year!
Roger, you are a pro. Your reviews prove you watch the entirety of even the worst movies.
There comes a point in bad movies when the viewer has suffered enough. At that point I just shut the film down. I do this to avoid becoming saturated with an ugly feeling.
I have to wonder though how it is that you maintain the ability to be surprised or even amazed at what you see on a screen.
What do I want for Christmas? To see your "Guilty Pleasures" special that you and Gene did a long time ago. I can find clips of you and Gene exchanging digs about ordering at McDonalds, but this fun show is nowhere to be found online.
Merry Christmas Chaz and Roger! The movies are dumb, but your commentary is bloody brilliant! Best wishes for your good health in 2012 to enjoy some good movies!
I have never seen Titanic or Avatar in case you're wondering.
p.s. I hate "captcha" I'm on my 12th try.
I had 2 wisdom teeth pulled yesterday--not the best time to be reading these zingers. There was uncontrolled laughter, punctuated by ow, ow, ow. Of course, I could not stop reading.
Closing line. CALIGULA review (Sept. 22,1980)
"This movie," said the lady in front of me at the drinking fountain, "is the worst piece of shit I've ever seen."
A tough call, but still my favorite.
I'm partial to your review of "Burlesque". This is a movie I would never care to watch in a theater, on TV (or even in a plane if it came to that), and yet, through your review, it imanaged to bring me more joy than I would have ever imagined...................."In this scene and throughout the movie, Cher looks exactly as she always does. Other people age. Cher has become a logo".
Merry Christmas, Roger!
Now I'm imagining if Oscar Wilde were around to review movies.
What would he have to say about Michael Bay, considering what he wrote about poor Alexander Pope? "There are two ways to dislike poetry. One is to dislike it, and the other is to read Pope."
(And, once again, the Captcha system is failing. How many attempts will it take for this to go through? Can't wait to find out. This makes five.)
Funny *and* smart. When I grow up, I want to be like you.
Rats, I am grown up.
This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.
All that remains is to decide: Is it "The Immortal Roger Ebert," or just "The Immortal Ebert"?
(And a Merry Circumstance to all, and to all a good night)
While I admit that I would LOVE to see a satanic ritual in St. Peter's Basilica, I otherwise think these gems are just that: GEMS! Thank you so much for sharing. Merry Xmas & Happy New Year to you & yours.
You didn’t like Pootie Tang? Man you’re a cole tony. You're a baddy daddy lamatai tebby chai!
Just had the pleasure of seeing "A Christmas Story" on the big screen in a real theater for $2.00! The Riverview Theater in Minneapolis, MN (a 40s showpiece).
I am with Mike Massee. All time classic and I even sorta kinda like those pretty kids.
Picking out a favorite zinger from amongst all of your writings is really hard. At any given moment, there are probably a dozen gems that I've forgotten, that won't return to me until it's too late. I think I'll have to go with this line from your review of Body of Evidence:
"Willem Dafoe plays the defense attorney who firmly believes Madonna is innocent, or in any event very sexy..."
Whenever I get into a discussion about bad movies with other people, I name BOE as a prime example, and quote that line in lieu of a synopsis. Invariably, I win the discussion, even if neither of us had originally intended for it to be a competition. I remember you once said that before you became a critic you thought about teaching literature; I can only imagine what kind of comments you might have left on student papers.
I should probably watch A Christmas Story one of these days; it's amazing the things you miss out on when you're Jewish. Unfortunately, I won't have time to do it this holiday season. Tomorrow, I'm going to sit all my friends and family down and make them watch Withnail & I--granted, not an ideal Christmas-time movie, but most of them have never even heard of it, and this may be the only time I'll ever be able to get them all in one place AND pick the movie. (They let me do all of that because Dec. 24th is my birthday, so each year on this day I try to introduce a brilliant, unknown film to my considerably-more-mainstream peers and relatives. Last time, it was Dark City).
Anyhoo, Roger, I hope you and Chaz have a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year, and thank you SO MUCH for all these wonderful barbs! Please, keep them coming through 2012 and beyond!
One more thing: if you ever release another book of reviews of your most hated movies, I think you should title it I Hate It When That Happens.
You included a segment from "Alligator". I loved how you ended the review: "Why not try flushing this movie down the toilet and see if it grows into something large and monstrous."
Your smartass remark when Vincent Gallo put a curse on your colon: "The video of my colonoscopy was more entertaining than your movie (The Brown Bunny). That was a cheap shot that even made Gallo laugh.
"Deuce Bigalo, European Gigalo". I have won a Pulitzer Prize, so I qualify. Speaking under my qualifications as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Shneider, YOUR MOVIE SUCKS."
jrdeaver wrote:
Always loved when you said of a bad movie: "Two hours of my life I can never get back..."
Er, correct me if wrong, but that was Siskel, wasn't it?
Kim Costello wrote:
We need to add a new word to the Urban Dictionary: "Ebertisms"
We already HAVE an Ebertism, that has officially entered our national colloquial vocabulary:
"You know a movie is slow when you start checking your watch to see what time it is. You know it is awful when you start shaking your watch to see if it has stopped."
- "The Opposite Sex", 1993
(Yes: You will hear movie fans to this day say a movie had them "shaking their watch" after a half hour, as if we all knew the quote to begin with.)
And let's be honest, this was just an excuse to get out of writing that Ten Worst 2011 list, wasn't it? ;)
Yes, I have that copy of "I Hated^3 This Movie", too, from which most of the pertinent quotes were taken--Got it as a Christmas present years ago, but never got around to getting "Your Movie Sucks", since Hated^3 had all the vintage pre-Sneak Previews pans from the late 60's and early 70's. If "Unbearable Length" corrects the lazy oversight of the last volume, I may consider purchase, but...
I thought I'd follow up on my post here from yesterday afternoon, in which I referred to "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo." I described the film as brutal, given its violence. There were a couple of instances in which I averted my eyes from the screen, fully aware of what was taking place there but unwilling to watch for that moment. It has been a long while since I felt compelled to do that. This got me wondering: Are there any times in your career in which you've averted your eyes from the screen? Or as a critic do you see it as your job to keep your eyes trained there, regardless of how difficult the images or content?
Merry Christmas to you and Chaz.
A very happy holiday season!
I tried to watch both youtube videos, but one said the user had closed his account (your review) and the other that the video was private:-(.
The lines made me laugh!
""Battle: Los Angeles" is noisy, violent, ugly and stupid. Its manufacture is a reflection of appalling cynicism on the part of its makers, who don't even try to make it more than senseless chaos. Here's a science-fiction film that's an insult to the words "science" and "fiction," and the hyphen in between them. You want to cut it up to clean under your fingernails."
"Young men: If you attend this crap with friends who admire it, tactfully inform them they are idiots. Young women: If your date likes this movie, tell him you've been thinking it over, and you think you should consider spending some time apart."
- Battle: Los Angeles
These two paragraphs are personal favorites. Happy holidays!
Besides getting Life Itself from my wife for Christmas, this list is the best present I could have gotten this year! Thanks for the warm laughs on a cold, snowy morning in Rochester, NY and can't wait for the next book to be published!
About a year ago you and Chaz endowed an award at the Independent Spirits (I believe).
They showed a montage where you mentioned a film where the projector caught fire, and that wasn't the worst of it. What was that film?
I've always loved your review of Reality Bites:
The documentary-in-progress is supposed to record the passage of Generation X from college into an unfriendly job market, but actually what it records is callow and superficial behavior by kids who do not inspire us to wish we knew them better.
and my favorite:
What strange force locks filmmakers into cliches and conventions? What unwritten law prevented the makers of "Reality Bites" from observing that their heroine can't shoot video worth a damn, that their hero is a jerk, and that their villain is the most interesting person in the movie?
Remember who suggested the title...... ahem.
Why are reviews for terrible movies so much more fun to read than reviews for watchable ones?
"She and I stripped, covered ourselves with talcum powder, and went bareback riding on a water-smooth silver stallion under the smiling Norwegian moon. We found bliss beside an ancient fjord where the Vikings sailed their dragon ships. Oh, what a night it was!" -- In Time Out magazine, in response to a query about the first time I made love"
Wow. I am jealous! My first time was in the back of a van, but since we're all living in The Matrix, I guess I'm technically still a virgin.
To name the ship "Icarus I" seems like asking for trouble in two ways, considering the fate of the original Icarus and the use of a numeral that ominously leaves room for a sequel. -- "Sunshine"
Hmm, this quote would be almost equally applicable to "Rise of the Planet of the Apes".
The unintended Roger Ebert movie review zinger scavenger hunt continues:
"And so although his [Ken Russell's] film is more visually daring and more sexually explicit than other biographies of composers, it rests on the same fallacious assumption: That a sunset, or a woman (or a man, in Tchaikovsky's case), or a famous naval victory, or something could inspire the composer to sit down and dash off a few inspired moments.
Lest you accuse me of exaggerating, let me just mention that Tchaikovsky's mental image, when the cannons roar in the "1812 Overture," is supposed to be a friend's head being blown off. Better we should have a movie in which Russell's image, during the same passage, is of his own head being blown off. We would save the head for last, of course, in order to deal with lesser extremities of the minor works."
- "The Music Lovers"
Having read your review of "The Artist", a question lurks in my thoughts, one that perhaps only a movie critic can answer.
Why is it that the majority of audiences, in America and elsewhere, would rather watch "The Smurfs" or "Transformers" or any other sub par movie as opposed to true art, a la "Drive", "Martha Marcy May Marlene, "The Tree of Life", etc.?
Any ideas on this troubling topic?
Ebert: Many people feel terror at the prospect of seeing a great movie.
How rude! Someone asks you what you are doing for Christmas and you ignore them. I'm surprised you've ever made any friends at all.
Ebert: Me too.
"She gobbles down tuna and sushi. Her eyes have vertical pupils instead of round ones. She sleeps on a shelf. The movie doesn't get into the litter box situation. "
-- Catwoman, 7/23/04
"The Miss Minoes of the title begins life as a Siamese cat. After exposure to a barrel filled with chemicals that falls off a passing truck, Minoes turns into a woman (Carice van Houten) who speaks, dresses and moves like a human but also climbs into trees when chased by dogs and eats sardines without using her fingers. The movie doesn't look into her response to a litter box."
-- Miss Minoes, 12/21/11
(...Been reliving our favorites, have we?) ;)
Uwe Boll on Michael Bay
"At least I'm not a fucking retard like Michael Bay.""
I'd like to nominate for the worst movie of all time, the equivalent of Lord Kelvin's zero degrees, The Black Stallion In Space, starring Gene Autry. I've only seen it once, on WTBS long ago, It is so bad that it's not listed on IMDB nor on any list of the Black Stallion movies I've ever seen.
It's Real and It's Awful
My favorite negative reviews from you, actually, are the ones you write for filmmakers you generally admire. Your write-ups for Martin Scorsese's "The Color of Money," Harmony Korine's "Mister Lonely," George Romero's "Day of the Dead," and Steven Spielberg's "War of the Worlds," for example, are fantastic displays of you shaking your head sadly at great talent going to waste. I find it interesting that these reviews have never appeared in any of your "Bad Movie" anthologies (I might be wrong here, but I don't think so). Writing about bad movies can be fun, but you always find the correct tone when it's a sheer tragedy that you can't recommend a movie that you feel that you should have.
I laughed until I cried.
Hmmm... off the top of my head: "After the film is over, you want to sigh with joy, that in this rude world such civilization is still possible. '
Not funny, but memorable, at least for me.
I wanted to make my first prediction for Oscar season.
Best Director to David Fincher for "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."
on the theory that Fincher should have won for "The Social Network," and all the Academy members who voted for him last year want to validate their previous ballots.
Roger, Roger, you didn't even mention your war of erudition with Rob Schneider. That was a must-mention!
"...(a movie that) the film's producers should be discussing in long, sad discussions with their inner child." --Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo review
klaus kinski vs the monkey
youtube.com/watch?v=eQYKDrOs_j8
" We'll endure. I as the Wrath of God, you as monkey meat."
"Cheap, but not inexpensive." - The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
Sometimes me and my wife read your reviews while we're driving around doing errands or on vacation. My favorite; from "The Last Song"
"To be sure, I resent the sacrilege Nicholas Sparks commits by mentioning himself in the same sentence as Cormac McCarthy. I would not even allow him to say "Hello, bookstore? This is Nicholas Sparks. Could you send over the new Cormac McCarthy novel?" He should show respect by ordering anonymously."
my personal favourite
"This is the kind of movie that ends up playing on the TV set over the bar in a better movie." - Gone in 60 Seconds (Nic Cage)
Oh, and...Merry Christmas!
I confess that I was slightly disappointed that you gave the Tintin movie such a positive review. I thought it was a shameless exploitation which completely contradicted Hergé's intention (or whatever could be interpreted as such). Some other critic compared the film to a video game, and another called the movie 'rape' and I just fear that young Americans won't care about the actual, inquisitive Tintin or think this belittled version of Haddock is nothing more but a funny sidekick.
I'd also disagree that anyone can draw Tintin the way Hergé did, although he looks so simple. He's not some stupid manga action hero, or Superman, or whatever Spielberg thought he is. I'm not complaining about the movie being 3d and not 2d - what I hated the most was the "be true to yourself"-crap. The funny thing is, whenever I criticized the film on some US site the comments followed this brainless mantra - people liked the movie because it was 3d, because it had gags, explosions, unrealistic chase scenes, sword fights and almost no dialogue (apart from Tintin telling Snowy his "thoughts" the whole time) and seemed to show some kind of cultural fascism that is only reaffirmed by the movie - which is exactly what Hergé mocked. I always thought that even in the "Congo" album that has been called racist, he doesn't make fun of Africans because they're black but because the way colonization forced the tribes to imitate our lifestyle and our ridiculous hunger for dignity - they are a mirror for us and we are a mirror for them. In the Calculus Affair/The Blue Lotus/The Picaros and several others he's mocking the communists revolutionaries and regimes, but he does the same with Nazis (the Bordurians even have a Hitler beard on their flag!).
Now the two albums Spielberg used for the first film didn't have a lot of such political content, but they also didn't have even one of those action scenes. And letting Haddock say "be true to yourself" is as if Peter Fonda tells Hopper and Nicholson that taking drugs can have horrible consequences.
But then again, I'm not qualified because I'm a lousy European who is used to more profound movies, grew up in a smaller and less prude country that didn't have a perfect past as well, and understood the Tintin albums in a different way most US people now do, sadly.
"This movie doesn't contain 'offensive language.' The offensive language contains the movie."
I enjoyed that quote from your review of "Sex Drive." I'm not sure if you were aware, but it's featured in big, bold red font on the back cover of the DVD, and has in all likelihood helped its sales. (Better that than "Human Centipede," I say.)
Anyhoo, merry Christmas, Roger! Hope you and Chaz had a great one.
I also recall you saying some witty things in your review of 'Jonathan Livingston Seagull' (1973), specifically the line 'Who wants to pay to watch birds bleed?', and a few choice sentences concerning Neil Diamond's music, but they seem to have been ever-so-carefully removed from the online review, as it presently exists.
Ebert: That's my original review. Maybe you're recalling another review.
http://bit.ly/tZPVQx
Yeah, totally agree!But you forgot this one:
"When I think of the elegant construction of something like "Gunfight at the OK Corral," I want to rend the hair from my head and weep bitter tears of despair. Generations of filmmakers devoted their lives to perfecting techniques that a director like Jonathan Liebesman is either ignorant of, or indifferent to. Yet he is given millions of dollars to produce this assault on the attention span of a generation."
Your review of SITC2 is laugh out loud funny.
http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=%2F20100525%2FREVIEWS%2F100529986
Thanks for the many gems.
Because I am sure that you also appreciate some of the efforts of your fellow reviewers, I'll add the closing lines of a Peter Bradshaw (The Guardian) review:
So if someone says: "Let's see The Cat in the Hat" -
Just turn it down flat. I wish I'd done that.
Here's how David Elliott started his review of "The Bell Jar" in the Daily News: "This movie is enough to make Sylvia Plath put her head back in the oven."
I had no idea you were posting this thread again. I have so many more quotes from you save in my database.
Ebert: Send those to me!
That's a great picture of you and Chaz as Easter bunnies. Anyway, one of my favorite lines you wrote was in Little Indian Big City, where you ended the pan with this line, "If you, under any circumstances, see Little Indian, Big City, I will never let you read one of my reviews again." Now, how can you do that anyway? It isn't like you could stop me from looking at your website for reviews or buying your Movie Yearbook (just got the new one-why no picture?). I also love the line about cooking the fish by the side of the expressway. Makes me want to see the film, which I won't. And as for your new book "A Horrible Experience..." I hope that you went back a bit like you did with the first one and printed some pans we haven't seen before. Why just limit yourself to recent years? Trying to get more money out of us by having us buy the same thing over and over again? If you need some help with finding bad reviews I can help you with that, my buddy Roger.
Have a great holiday, my man.
It reads like a companion volume to Slonimsky's "Lexicon of Musical Invective", and that's high praise.
Well, if one major critic had to slam LOST SKELETON and compare it to a bad Joan Crawford movie, I'm glad it was you!
Happy New Year, my old friend.
That joke was in Look Who's Talking
One of my favorite lines of yours was actually from the Resident Evil 2 review:
"Parents: If you encounter teenagers who say they liked this movie, do not let them date your children."
Re: my mention of 'Jonathan Livingston Seagull' (1973), and details I recall that you pointed out weren't in your original review (e.g. the Neil Diamond music, 'Who wants to pay to watch birds bleed?'), I recall where I'd read those comments.
They were from you, but appended to that review in my copy of your book, 'I Hated, Hated, Hated That Movie' (2000).
Mystery solved (and an advance 'You're Welcome' for the plug).
"Sank" an icepick. Sheesh.
I can't remember which review it was from, but the funniest thing I've ever read in one of your reviews had something to do with staying properly hydrated and your grandchildren checking to see if Grandpa Roger had turned into a pile of dust.
""Turtle," by the way, is a very funny word. " - from Roger Ebert's review of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - The Movie"
This enigmatic comment compelled me to consult Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary - 10th edition to determine the derivation of "turtle". Surprisingly, the word is essentially a variation of the ancient Greek word "tartarouchos", from Tartarus, the lowest tier of Hell in Greek mythology.
The turtles from the sewer, the bowels of the street, are the turtles from the bowels of Hell.
I understand now. :)
Ebert: This is good to know.
Also, many people feel terror at the prospect of thinking.
To say the movie is over the top assumes you can see the top from here. - "Beowulf"
Closing line. CALIGULA review (Sept. 22,1980)
"This movie," said the lady in front of me at the drinking fountain, "is the worst piece of shit I've ever seen."
Fortunately for that woman, Michael Bay had not started making movies yet.
Siskel had a couple of good ones for Patch Adams, I'm just paraphrasing here
"The fact of the matter is, if any doctor approached us the way Williams does in the film, we'd consider switching HMO's in a second"
"I would rather turn my head and cough than have to see Patch Adams again"
The Battlefield Earth review, had me laughing the most. Quips about personal hygiene issues for some reason make me laugh. The whole thing was filled with the brim:
"The Psychlos can fly between galaxies, but look at their nails"
"The characters are unkempt and have rotten teeth. Breathing tubes hang from their noses like ropes of snot."
How I spent my lunch hour today:
I've been painstakingly searching the 'net for what Nicholas Sparks did or did not say about Cormac McCarthy.
You know, Roger - in your review of The Last Song you don't-quote Sparks as saying that he's a better writer than McCarthy (don't-quote is a phrase I use for when someone creatively rephrases something said by someone he dislikes in order to make that other person look bad)(*hi Randy ;-D). I finally decided to find out what if anything Sparks actually said. Eventually I found the USA Today story that apparently set you off.
And, as it turns out, Sparks didn't actually say anything of the sort.
What he did say was that he disliked Blood Meridian for being "overwrought, melodramatic cowboys-and-Indians" (approximate quote - I can't keep two screens going at once), and that wasn't what he was interested in writing.
A little farther down Sparks says that he doesn't believe in attacking other writers personally, and when the USA Today guy asks him if that includes McCarthy, he replies "He deserves it!"- with a laugh.
Indicating, at least to me, that he's joking.
Hardly what you had him saying - unless you were joking, which with you is sometimes hard to tell.
Most of the commenters on this thread are clearly not joking when they cheer your snarkier reviews. Many of them come off like spectators at a dogfight, waiting hungrily for the next savage mot to justify their own contempt.
Of course, opinion is always subjective, and none more so than self-opinion. Nicholas Sparks obviously thinks pretty highly of his own work, and he has a sizable fan base to back him up on that.
As does Cormac McCarthy (though probably not the same group).
I have no idea if he saw what you wrote about him, and if he did, what his reaction was. But it is clear to me that Sparks believes in what he writes, works hard at it, and does not take his popular success for granted.
And that places what you wrote in the category of petty sniping.
( ... and not all that funny either ...)
Incidentally, I bring to this particular topic complete objectivity:
I've never read any of Sparks's books, nor any of McCarthy's.
I have no interest in those genres.
Sue me, sue me, what can you do me?
Sidenote:
Do you know just how many mystery critics and writers hate Raymond Chandler's writing?
You'd be surprised at some of the reasons.
And felicitations (however belated) of the season to you all.
Ebert: At the time I wrote that, I had reason t believe it. I no longer can recall my source.
"... reason to believe ..."?
You're going to have to do better than that, Roger.
What exactly was your "reason"?
Your undiluted admiration (bordering on idolatry) of Cormac McCarthy?
Your well-known disdain for "best-sellers", popular lit division, as exemplified by Nicholas Sparks?
Both of the above?
I suspect that the last one is closest to the truth.
All of us seem to have certain subjects of admiration that we defend to the point of warfare, and to do that we need to make a negative comparison in order to justify our vehemence.
In 2012, this has become standard operating procedure for critics of all kinds (those who style themselves critics,at any rate).
Sometimes, admiration for someone can lead the admirer to take a slam at someone, perhaps perceiving a slight where none was really intended (admittedly, that's probably not the case with Sparks v. McCarthy). The simple act of saying that I don't like the thing that you love is turned into a declaration of cultural war. No prisoners taken, no compromise allowed, no disagreement tolerated.
I've mentioned in past postings that I've been on the recieving end of withering disdain when I've admitted to liking certain things that were not critical darlings, and not hiding behind the bogus defense of "guilty pleasure".
I'd always thought I'd grown out of it by now, but even at my age, it still stings. In recent times, the fashion is to dismiss the merely popular and exalt the esoteric, using it as a club against those we want to feel superior to - and by extension to make them feel inferior to us.
I do it myself, any time I'm in the company of anyone who professes to be a fan of "reality TV" (a misnomer if ever there was).I sometimes find myself boasting about not being able to tell one Kardashian from another - and I shouldn't. I don't make my point, and the other side just digs in harder (much like the political threads here).
I seem to have lost my thread here, so I'll back off for now.
But there is much more to be said about this, and not in the form of glib one-liners.
I did get a great Captcha, though:
feh5wd
Think about that.
Well, I had a weekend to think it over, and now I think I figured out where I was going with this.
I think I've figured it out, anyway ...
Basically, I'm jealous of your national by-line.
Also of your Pulitzer Prize.
Your published books, too.
And this here blog (even if I am a semi-major contributor to it).
After all, who am I to tell you that some of your Great Movies essays are wrong-headed (such as those about Inherit The Wind, Detour, Dr. Strangelove, a few others).
Who am I to crack down on some of your factual mistakes (there's a doozy in your new Great Movies essay about The Killing, but I'll let you find it for yourself).
I have no degrees, I've taught no university courses, I'm just a civilian movigoer-cum-TV watcher who likes to look things up, which makes me, in the eyes of the world, a pest.
The thing is, I know this about myself - something that many of the snarkier commenters here plainly don't.
This may be the greatest disserevice that the Internet has done in America: now everybody is an expert critic, whether a well-paid columnist or a upstart blog commenter - and the only standard seems to be how mean-spirited we all can be.
That, more than anything else, seems to be the thrust of this thread, and however much momentary fun it might be, it doesn't speak well for those of us who piled it on the ones we didn't like.
Now that I'm proofreading this, I don't seem to be making any more sense than I did before.
Quit while you're behind, Mike
Weather's turning bad in the next few days, One Life To Live ends Friday, I walked out of a movie before the end for the first time in years (the new Mission: Impossible) and my next payday is still too far away for comfort.
Well ... at least I tried..
Ebert: Oh, I make mistakes. Tell me about it.
Well, since you asked ...
Marie Windsor was not "The Body".
"The Body" was Marie McDonald, whose career and life were quite a bit shorter and far more notorious. She's remembered today, if at all, for being married seven times (twice to a guy who later married Debbie Reynolds).
Marie Windsor, on the other hand, had a long and happy marriage (her second, but what the hell), and a career that lasted her whole life (she was 80, and still in demand as a character actress).
...you did ask ...
Ebert: Right!
"I can't remember which review it was from, but the funniest thing I've ever read in one of your reviews had something to do with staying properly hydrated and your grandchildren checking to see if Grandpa Roger had turned into a pile of dust."
Grandchildren! Wonderful, but how?
Ah, Marie Windsor. I once had a VHS copy of THE KILLING. I'd just watch her scenes with Elisha Cook over and over again. A Great Movie for sure.
My favorite Marie Windsor quote:
"I didn't know I was doing film noir, I thought they were detective stories with low lighting!"