How pleasant to meet Mr. Lear!

I know a young typist who’s Gallic,
She likes men who are doubly phallic.
She uses her fonts
To signal her wants.
So she makes Peter O’Toole’s name Italic.

There once was a vampire named Ed,
Who saved himself ‘til he was wed.
But when Bella unclothed
Before her betrothed,
Edward said, “I waited for this past one hundred?”

A man was murdered in Tangier
For his preference to f**k in the ear
He had called for his wife
To save him from the knife
But the poor old thing, she couldn't hear

Ebert:

Your entries have been quite remarkable
In their treatment of things scatological
You've avoided most risks
With sly astersisks
Also morphological, biological, theological!

A man was murdered in Tangier
For his preference to f*** in the ear
He had called for his wife
To save him from the knife
But the poor old thing, she couldn't hear

[Whoops—was so excited in my original post that I didn't *** out my obscenity. Sorry]

The Man From Munich

There once was a man from Munich,
Who one day removed his tunic.
My eyes stole a glance
At the man without pants,
And discovered that he was a eunuch.

There once was a tv preacher
who likened himself to Nietszche,
always on the make,
to God's second mistake:
"get on your knees, I beseech ya"

There once was a man who taught math
who whiled away time in the bath.
The water grew cold,
so I am told,
leaving him nothing to graph.

On day 7, God did not toil.
Instead, He sent his moile.
The moile loved his wine
and as you can probably devine,
we ended up with a goyle.

A student from Champaign-Urbana
Did stunning things with a banana
If she huffed and blew
She could even out-do
Rivals with cigars from Havana

Ebert:

Two horny students from Madison
Checked into a lenient Radisson.
They f*cked through the night
On the left, then the right,
And their parents inherited a grandson.

Twitter is multitudinous
and brings out all the lude in us.
#acorn, #palin, #whodat...
we all act the prat.
The effect can be quite ruinous.

A scientist conveniently known by Cole:
his own magnetism, he liked to extol.
Cole was quite dim,
don't listen to him.
He hasn't discovered the third pole.

Now Biff, he was a frat.
Like all frats, in love with his bat.
All of his practise
did surely distract us
and worse, made us watch where we sat.

There once was a lady named Winfrey.
Her fans were sure she was sin-free.
They thought as she thought.
They bought as she bought
and together they got her a country.

A writer who lived in the city
sought a muse most attractive and pretty.
"Would you mind, my dear lass",
as he leered at her ass,
"if I held both your tail and two t*tties?"

If porn and the poem could entwine
And balance the lewd and divine
To titillate young Roger
Without offending an old codger
T'would be an intelligent design

There was once a repairman named Andy.
With a tool, so they say, he was handy.
And he had a sweet tooth,
So the dear Missus Ruth
Paid him weekly two handfuls of candy.

I'm staring at my dog named Jack,
Who's just recently hit the sack.
He wildly spazzes around all day,
To my girlfriend's dismay,
For the vet too often says, "welcome back!"

There's that special person who
Informs you they love you
Their love has been ignited.
But don't get too excited!
'Cause they love monkeys too.

I'm tired of this trend called "Twitter."
For though I'm known as a kidder,
Even I let out a moan,
When I looked at my phone,
And saw someone post "I'm Tweeting from the sh*tter!"

There was a gent named Daniel O'Gailey
Who loved to strum his ukulele.
Until one day, old Dan
sprained his strumming hand.
Now the wife plays his uke almost daily.

We get a thrill when "thumbs down" is the answer,
as with one-star dreck like "I Am A Dancer."
But when I add up the total,
Though my evidence is anecdotal,
I think Roger's been more lenient since he beat cancer.

I'm as left as Trotsky and not trailin'
but still I confess I've a failin'.
There are times when I see
and enjoy rhythmically,
Madams Malkin and Coulter and Palin.

A lady cow living in Limerick
Was approached by a bull with a big d**k
He was such a stud
That she spit up her cud
And then he ejaculated all over her breasts

I hope I win!

If a man is to stay in good cheer
Without sex he must drink plenty beer
For each missed in-and-out
He should drink seven stouts
To ensure he lubricates his gears

Ebert:

Californians who like in-and-out snaking
Finds it distracts from the quaking.
But Midwesterners foam
As they pound their points home
In relentless missionary Steak-n-Shaking

You see that your six-year-old daughter
Is floating face down in the water;
The bubbles have stopped
And her eyelids have dropped—
Tell your wife that you’re sorry;
You simply forgot her.

I hope I win again!

Why Roger, yet again you suprise us
For your talents appear rather boundless
Now if only you'd stuck to your rhymes
And ceased to give praise and critisize
Than we'd have Pax Ebertana upon us

You say you admire Asimov a lot
And probably read all that he wrote
But Good Doctor's limericks,
Are quite esoteric
Though to you he's more like a god

A bit doubtful your claim becomes-
And I'm willing to bet large sums!
But I can't understand it, man,
If you're a "master of your domain"
What about that "thing" with your thumbs?

I may not be a native speaker
But that won't make my entry weaker
After all, it cannot be much worse
Than your silly attempts at nonsense.
And at nights, I moonlight as a streaker...

An ex governor who enjoyed going rogue,
Had a rather troubling brogue.
She claimed to see Moscow,
From her balcony in Alaska,
No wonder, among the fringe she was in vogue.

His comments are always the worst
He wastes time that can't be reimbursed
He has nothing to say
Yet it will make his day
To write nothing except the word "First!"

Clint Eastwood was in a fit,
A twinkle in his eye foretold wit;
The topic at hand
Was gun control and:
"If there's a gun I want to control it."

There once was an evil Spam Filter
Who hated Marie and tried to thwart her.
But she refused to be beaten,
And thus resorted to cheatin’
Instead writing sh*t, p*ss and f*cker.

The evil Spam Filter was not amused.
Her posts were full of language abused!
And sent them to his dungeon,
To be tortured and bludgeoned;
For this was a crime one couldn’t excuse.

With their disappearance came a loud cry
“Where’s my damn post?!” Marie let fly!
And although Roger looked,
Their goose appeared cooked
And the blog shook with die spam filter, DIE..!!!

Just as all hope was seemingly gone,
A suggestion came from across the pond:
To "check your folder”
And so off went Roger
To rescue her posts from beyond.

HAH! Marie chuckled later in the bath
Unaware of the Spam Filter’s sneaky wrath;
"Call me a d*nk -
but I catch you on links!"
And thus how it got the last laugh.

- Marie Haws

The very first limerick scans fine
but there's something about its last line --
something grating; i'll bet
replacing get with yet
would make the verse really shine.

Thank you for also posting Mr Lear's wonderful paintings.

Ebert: Why there hasn't been a musical composed about this man, I shall never knew.

The great Roger E. wrote a lim'rick
And played on himself quite a grim trick
For he put in a "get"
When he wanted a "yet"
And the darned thing got right past the spell chick.

(Okay, okay--spell "check," but for all I know the copy editor is of the distaff persuasion. All of this to say I think you have a spello in the first limerick.)

Ebert:

When you arrive at a word such as phallus,
It's required to remain somewhat callous.
It's easy to rhyme dicks
With a word such as pricks
Not so much, though, with Buckingham Palace.

A Bangor cailín named McGowan
Had a reputation of no little renown
After a half pint of ale
She never would fail
To head for the County Down

From Dundonald to Ballykinler
Lads asked with a grin "Where you been, sir?"
Each named the cailín
And then explained that they'd been
To take a trip to County Down to win her

A doctor named Pat, psychiatric,
Had a billfold as thick as a fat brick
And in all County Down
Of every hamlet in town
She spent most her time at Downpatrick

I don't mean to be a mistreater,
But some of this verse could be sweeter.
It's lovely to rhyme,
But to make it sublime,
One must really attend to the meter.

Have you seen the The Omnificent English Dictionary In Limerick Form? http://www.oedilf.com/

Ebert:

Good gravy! One limericked definition for every word in the language! Even BQXX:

¨While visiting Azerbaijan,
I choked on a tiny pecan.
Soon the BQXK
Came to rescue the day;
They Heimliched me so I'd live on.

The BQXK is the abbreviation for the Azerbaijani International Committee of the Red Cross.

As Titian was mixing Rose Madder,
His model climbed up on a ladder,
"Your position"
said Titian
"petitions coition,"
So he climbed up the ladder and had'er.

Ebert:

Prostitution affects the ambition
Of a caught-in-the-act politician.
When his act of coition
Inspires ignition,
To escape would require a magician.

It's "a dog eat dog world" says a go getter
and I agree with that to the very letter
but i simply must say
that I don't really play
because I'm not a dog - I'm something better

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wondered very far
He used the train and not his car
Over land and.. Chloe?

You'd never guess but it is actually not entirely my creation. :p

There once was an Ebert named Roger
Who was quite the savvy old codger
He created a blog
To talk about God
And to f*ck with Intelligent Designers

In Jack Nicholson’s manse quite palatial
Young Roman indulged in fellatio
And other extremes
With a maid in her teens--
A world record thirty-year ’jaculatio.

She thought me a repeat offender
Of a sin that was bound to offend her.
Indeed, she was quite wrong,
As I'm as straight as the day's long--
So considerably less so in December.

For John to “be nimble be quick,"
‘Tis a most challenging trick;
For when he might f***
His mind runs amuck,
But not so much so for his dick.

Dear Roger,

I just read your review of the new Twilight movie. I know you had to do that, because it's your job.

Still, I type here now on the silent shores, and I count these moments of calm before the tsunami of outrage arrives.

To misquote Andrei Bonovia: "You articulate genius, you've killed us!"

I invite us all in the crappy days to come to decide whether Roger would have done better to publish a follow-up to his review of Kinatay instead.

There once was a woman named Suzie
Who was known as a bit of a floozy
The last time she went down
She managed to drown
As it happened to be in a jacuzzi.

Anyone wishing to experience the most profound appreciation of Lear's art would do well to read "Nonsense and Wonder: The Poems and Cartoons of Edward Lear" by Thomas Byrom. And now I must go attempt to rival Lear myself...

A man with a generous waist
Declared he must lose weight post-haste
'Twas for his health that he tried
But from his diet he died
And 'pon his tombstone it says "withered waste"

One evening, just to get out of the rain
I let myself swirl down some rusty drain
And what, there, did I find
But the secrets of my mind
I caught you cruelly drinking from my brain!

You squeezed it like a sponge above your grin
And relished as the juice dripped down your chin
I reached inside the hole
That had long composed my skull
And said, "Oh! So I suppose that's where that's been!"

An actor named Nicholas Cage
Went into a passionate rage
His intensity growing
Only Ebert liked Knowing
Marking him as the critical sage.

There once was a girl from Madras
Who possessed a magnificent ass
Not round and pink
As you most obviously think
But was gray, had long ears, and ate grass

There once was a hermit named Dave
who kept a dead whore in his cave
she had only one t**
and smelled quite a bit
but think of the money he saved!

There was an old codger named Ray
Who claimed limericks lit up his day.
A rhyme from Mrs. Tine
and his d*ck grew divine,
with the help of a little Ben Gay.

There are some people (Not I),
Who believe in this thing in the sky,
The things they have missed,
Are "God doesn't exist",
And "You can't spell 'belief' without 'lie'".

When practicing natural science,
Be sure to wear this appliance,
It'll cover your hands,
And protect all your glands,
In it vest all your reliance.

There was a young man from the bay,
Who sailed to the Indies one day,
He was lashed to the tiller,
By a sex crazed gorilla.
The Far East is a very long way.

There was a man from Fort Worth
Who was well known for his girth
The ladies all loved him
The way he stretched them
‘Til they could take in the whole Earth.

There was a man from New York
He was quite handy with a fork
He used it to eat
Instead of his feet
Then one day he started using his dork.

There was once a critic named Gene
Whose form was impressively lean,
And when he met his rival Bert
(Making love to his dessert)
He thought “this scene may work on wide-screen!”

My friend Manny once told me
Of this time he had to pee
He looked for a loo
All over the zoo
Before pissing all over a manatee.

The television once showed me
A woman who shaved a small “v”
Right down there
Where men do dare
Search for the source of pure glee.

There once was a lusty old Turk
Who had a peculiar quirk
When looking for a wife
He had one condition in life
She must possess breasts round and perk.

There once was this sweet girl
Who gave me quite a whirl
Down past her tummy
In her forbidden yummy
Now I shiver when I see the tail of a squirrel.

It is said that the masturbating whale
Will drown thousands of seamen without fail
While the monstrous kraken
When he starts a-whackin'
Showers seamen into the air like hail.

There is a director named Coen
Whose movie "A Serious Man" is still showin'
He's also fine
With a limerick or rhyme
And he's published a book of his poems

There once was a surly young peasant
Whose life was quite frankly unpleasant
Until he met up
With the Duchess of Tup
Who gave him a sensual present

There was a young lady from Crewe
Who said as the bishop withdrewe
"The vicar is thicker
And quicker and slicker
And longer and stronger then yewe."

Captain Ahab, that famed cetaphobe,
Loved desserts from all sides of the globe.
Though it sounds a bit sick,
He enjoyed Spotted Dick,
And he pined for some pie à la Mobe.

When boiling, baking, or stewing
It helps to know what you are doing.
I once used to cook
Without using a book
My consommes needed some chewing.

Do not neglect, sir, to wear some protection
When exercising your incumbent erection
As voters can't handle
A venereal scandal
And it would be bound to cost you the election.

How much do I love Roger Ebert
So much that I can't remain inert
I hope I can make
A film that he rates
Meaning a meeting's a cert.

I defend Darwin with my thumb
and postulate ID is dumb
With evidence I missed, see
there’s nothing from Behe
significant in the flagellum

At Juno's premiere in Toronto
I saw you and gasped "THE HEAD HONCHO!!!"
I knew then that my songs
Were at the mercy of the thumb
With pants shat I got out of there pronto!

Tired of her disagreebale relation
Who mocked her medical vocation
When pink Uncle Jack's
Small heart did attack
She refused cardiopulmonary resuscitation

Ontogeny's now understood:
Philogeny's recapper--good!
Yet IDers claim
A Creator, and name
His Apostles the Boyz N the Hood.

Roger is quite the reviewer
Words never written were truer.
I trust his critiques
They are tres manifique
Except for that sh*t Speed: 2er.

once with consequence not in his mind
Roman did something quite so unkind
and though he will fight it
he'll get extradited
and HE'LL be the one getting it from behind

Have you heard of the Anglican Minister
whose love life was rather sinister
he ravished and raped
those with mouths taped
and still found rest in Westminster

Darwin was a great thinker
who discerned that Nature did tinker
with the feathers and tails
of peacocks and quails
but ignored their wee-willy winker

The Vagina M'logues caused some shocks,
And once-dark-but-now-silver locks,
But that's just confusion--
My private conclusion:
It's thinking INSIDE of the Box.

In matters of End-Times I'd delve
But thoughts so horrific I shelve
For cinema's proven
Rock/Rollin' and groovin'
We're good till, oh, say, 2012.

When viewing pornography, note
That the Hedgehog, of singular bloat,
Still gets work, all he wants,
Since his muscular sch****z
Most reliably deepens a throat.

Our co-worker, Benjamin Spooner,
Would sometimes go home for a nooner.
When he came back we'd guess
From the smell of his breath,
Whether he had licked tw*t or had tuna.

The modern film's lowlight AND highlight
Its dank oubliette AND its skylight
Makes needy girls gaga:
It's that pseudo-saga
That yields, of such lofty dreams, Twilight.

There was a brash critic named Ebert
who told me that one of his knees hurt.
"It's just that those mauls,
my giant brass balls,
have outdropped from where they should insert."

I thought that this year'd be a bummer
Some movies made me Numb & Number
But now life's a festival
Thanks to the estival
Offering, [D] Days of Summer!

[scansion preserved through Roman numeralicization]

For Roger has challenged the masses
To write limericks worthy of classes
The best are poetic
Most others are pathetic
So everyone get off of your asses!

The world’s too much with us, he sighed.
To reimagine the world, I have tried,
emulating the Greeks.
This lasted for weeks,
then I threw myself into the tide.

For Pathos, the life of John Merrick;
For Stimulus, slo-mo-Bo Derek.
And Dudley Moore's tactic
In matters climactic
Makes 10 a most worthy numeric.

An amorous fellow named Steve
Had, privates-wise, no cause to grieve:
Bisexually bent
Love affairs came and went:
He knew All About both Eve and Yves.

There once was a man from Paris
With a knobber as big as could be
It befell his poor wife
That he freed her from life
For confusing her cries of "Merc-y!"

Consider one B. Bertolucci,
As stylish as Dior, chic as Gucci,
Who's biopicked Pu Yi
(Ah, we hardly Nu Yi!)
AND Tangoed, with fine Cootchie-Cootchie.

The department store window at night
Frames the workers' erotic delight.
Imbrications of limbs
Enact amorous whims
While the streetwalkers look on in fright.

It's tragic to think Isaac Asimov
Ain't here: C. Invisible has him off
Performing gyrations
Amongst constellations
With girls, getting his ectoplasm off.

[C is for Choir]

There once was a lass named Kardashian
Who flashed her celebrity ass at men
Her extravagant heinie
Made J.Lo's look tiny
Now she's back on the corned beef and hash again

My anus is fairly assured
It knows and it loves a good turd
But Transformers 2
Is such a big poo
No sphincter could have it conquered

Did you hear about Theodore Grimes?
He's always forgetting his rhymes.
In fact, he's quite tragic
At all things syllabic,
But really his rhymes are the worst.

Fun post, Roger.

There once was a man quadruped
that read thin books when he pooped;
and to strangers that did mock,
were told his fifth leg was his cock
(although his balls were exceptionally minute).

That Grumpy Old Man, Asner, Ed,
Leans a lot to the left, it is said.
His detractors may sup
On some Crow, for he's Up
In the Heavens, immune from Op. Ed.

The Atheist fell to his knees
And cried out, “Dear God, please!
Don’t exist, I beseech you,
And prove that you’re not true,
Or I’ll contract the Religious Disease.”

There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a f***ing machine.
With one end for he,
And one end for she,
And attachments for those in-between.

A randy t*t-man name of Meyer
Made a life of revealing desire.
In battling Nixon's
Regime with his Vixens
He found a go-get-her for hire.

A certain young cellist named Biddle
Was exceedingly quick with the fiddle
But twixt women and art
Twas the dames won his heart
Hands down -- and hands up, and hands middle.

Should this lim'rick by chance turn profound
Drawn from where Fine Thoughts abound
Chances are better
These deep things unfetter
From randomly fooling around

Most of this, I'm sure, is not original. I heard it somewhere. But I like it:

A Winnipeg lassie named Jill
Used dynamite for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

When the anaesthetized patient awoke,
The young doctor, flushed, nervously spoke:
"You may think it's unclear
Why my d*ck's up your rear,
But I'm checking for polyps--no joke!"

There was a young man who was huge
Lying naked on his back on his luge
Going fast on the ice
He looked like curry spice
Cause his heads were the color of rouge.

Oh there once was a film, "The Brown Bunny",
Which old Ebert did not find so funny.
Bloggers quoted the man--
"It's the worst thing at Cannes!"
But the PR made Gallo some money.

Rarely has the Peter principle been so comprehensively affirmed.

Let me mention what many here know
Of the way that Lear's lim'ricks could go:
The poem would complete
With near line-one repeat
(As I'm certain that many here know).

O God! Please grant me the luck!
To cleverly use the word f*ck!
But I've heard all my life
And from even my wife
On that thought, I'm monot'n'sly stuck!

A young veteran soldier named Reddick
Came home with a massive prosthetic
When his wife laid her eyes
On its terrible size
She was cured of her regular headache.

The reporter could never solve "Rosebud"
And thus make his inquiry close good.
It's we who instead
See it's (spoiler) his sled.
Well, that just the way that it goes, bud.

I gave Transformers 2 a pass
Because it seemed so vulgar and crass
I wouldn't give Michael Bay
The time of the day
Despite showing us Megan Fox's a**

Jake Gittes fell deep in hot water--
Mrs. Mulwray was not what he thought her.
A terrible slap
Makes her tell the poor sap:
"She's my sister...AND she's my daughter!"

On the other hand, betcha can come up with something good involving driving through a sullen sea of Brylcreem.

There once was a horny frog
Whose subjects all held him in awe
He did things with his tongue
That made women come
And sit a while on his log.

On one thing the whole gang agrees:
They must have that Falcon (Maltese).
Imagine the ache
When they find they've a fake.
Does that kill their resolve, then? Oh, please.

I met a fellow grunt in Da Nang
Who boasted an immaculate wang.
Had some bad luck in the war
With a Vietnamese whore
Let's just say he went out with a bang.

Ebert's views, I confess, leave me hazy
Saying video games can't amaze me
As much as Moliere,
Shakespeare, Proust or Voltaire,
For the same could be said of Scorsese.

A man who resembled Cole Porter
Became a star-f**king supporter
His endless Halloween
Began any beguine
Though his staff and his meter fell shorter

There was this broadcaster named Beck.
He was always stacking the deck.
His fear-mongering shouts
Were proof that the lout
Just couldn't keep the crazy in check.

Mr. Ebert has sought to confound
the readers of his blog renown.
measuring each,
while seeking to teach
Mr. Lear's limmericks profound.

From Here to Eternity: there
Was a beach scene, for then quite a dare;
But in matters clitoral?
A dud, though littoral,
That selfish cad, Burt, didn't Kerr.

What's all this talk of fellatio?
What man does not know it's ingratio?
Unless he's a fag,
The more he may brag,
The more one may suspect his true ratio.

Said a clever young lass from Urbana
On the use of a ripened banana,
"You always should peel it
The better to feel it
If you plan a banana to span-a."

Speaking of the good Doctor A., here's my favorite from his collection of Lecherous Limericks. (I don't have a copy, so this is from memory.)

A honeymoon couple named Kelly
Spent their honeymoon belly-to-belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

I believe he also included a version of the Titian limerick, and it went like this:

Titian, while mixing rose madder
Spied his model on top of a ladder.
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.

Adding the word "petitions" is a nice touch, though.

If a******s and p*****s and d***s
Make w*****e, as TeamAm depicts
There's b*********g lusting
So f*****g disgusting
The c*********s head for the sticks.

One limerick amuses, my friend,
but a hundred? Oh, heaven forfend!
That rhythm so cloying
soon grows so annoying
I just skipped right on down to the end.

My wandering eye caught your headline--
A Contest! Rejoice! --What's the deadline?
Not haranguin'--just askin'--
Content--multitaskin'--
Still, soon I am due at the breadline . . .

At O'Rourke's in old Chicago
The newspaper men got blotto
Writing all day
Leads many astray
Til they can't tell their heads from their areseholes

Re: your fourth limerick

Although I admire the attempt
Your French sadly earns my contempt
A word like "bourgeois"
Rhymes with "toi" and with "moi"
And not the verb "be", as you dreamt

(The word contempt is a bit strong... It's really just there for a rhyme.)

When it gets cold in my Winnipeg,
There is never a bare arm or leg.
Should I want someone nude
And not dressed like a prude,
I must shamelessly crave, plead, and beg.

There was a film critic from Chi-town,
Who left CALIGULA's screening with a frown.
He spotted a lady in the lobby.
Movies were her only hobby.

Said this lady at the drinking fountain,
"Worst piece of shit I've ever seen."
This made the maddened critic gleen,
Which was something he wasn't a-count-in.

PS.
I have changed my mind.
And if you would be so kind,
For I somehow surmise,
that I just might win the booby prize.

And if I do,
It would only be fair,
That I get the Ebert hair.
Skidoo.

And what's all this chatter on sex?
Methinks it's a curse meant to vex
Those who watch the teevee
But know realitee
And see how it rarely connects.

There once was a prince like no other,
The Bard's soldier, courtier, and scholar.
His mission, so sad;
to kill uncle-dad,
Though Freud says 'twas to bone his aunt-mother.

There once was a man named The Dude
Who never did anything crude
Then Julianne Moore
Sent thugs to his door
And now he's walking around in the nude

They coupled so enthusiastically
The bedframe bounced freely, elastically,
Nor raw, weak, nor sore--no,
Nor ever in porno
Had orgasms come so fantastically.

[truth-based? modesty forbids . . .]

My Great Grammaw's pleasure, I'm told,
Was bread, even if it had mold.
She'd pour on some milk,
It went down smooth as silk,
And she died at one hundred years old.

And Great Grampaw's clock, I am told
Was a marvelous thing to behold!
It stopped when he died,
But I think someone's lied,
It wasn't a "clock" Grammaw'd hold.

Of limericks I see a passel.
Reading 'em shouldn't be a hassle.
But there's a worm in my ear,
for all the rhymes I can hear,
only in the voice of Carl Kassell

Do I want to see "Antichrist", really?
Is it truly sublime or just silly?
And if I hear right
Can I handle the sight
Of all that messed-up genitilly?

There once was a girl named Haws
she often got caught in the sharp jaws,
of the errant spam filter
an unkind comment jilter,
in me her spam filter gibes roused guffaws.

OMG Marie, I'm so sorry, I only just saw earlier today a comment from you to me, of over a week ago at the social contract thread. I was probably feeling light-headed from illness to watch every Von Trier film ever made :) I also think that Von Trier is far more talented than he gets credit for by many people and I'm no longer light headed :)People just tend to focus more on the controversy he intentionally stirs, rather than the deeper questions he asks, I personally think it's a defence mechanism.

I watched “Up” a couple of months back and I loved it. Both “Up” and “Love Actually” must have been great fun to watch, considering :) I never got around to watching “Love Actually” I will do someday. I like “flopsy” he's a better actor than many.

Thank you for commenting on my health. All cured now :) I did have better things to do, watched Exotica, The Sweet Hereafter, Where the Truth Lies and Ballast recently also, all astoundingly good films too. Exotica is truly great. Very moving.

Sorry for taking so long to reply.

Cheerio

xOxOxOxOx

Indian Idiot (H.W.)

P.S. Sorry for cluttering this thread up Rog, I knew for sure that Marie's here and I had to reply as soon as I saw her message.

They made a movie out of G.I. Joe
Base on an old cartoon show
Where they would constantly prattle
About knowing being half the battle
Which didn't compel me to go.

Hmm a limerick contest you say
Where vile words get to play
But why such restrictions
With bodily convictions
To diverge, simply, from the bourgeois way?

The late, great Heath Ledger, through acting
With hard work most true and exacting
WAS Dark Knight's The Joker
And Ennis, Cowpoker,
And Giacomo--all undetracting.

So I saw the "Resident Evil" movie at last
As a gamer, I thought it'd be a gas
But it was just my luck
I paid my ten bucks
And felt like I got raped in the a**

English is, as we all recognize,
Full of ways to confuse and disguise.
Just consider this sentence
To silence dissenters:
"The first one won one one-dollar prize."

Here's another one, since I know how much you love to think about science:

Oh there once was a genius named Newton
Whose ideas seemed immune to refutin’
Then a young German jew
Said space-time can bend too
And the physicists started disputin’.

For the science world felt a bit scared
Of this lunatic, Einstein, who dared
To revise all the laws
Which they thought had no flaws
And say E was just like MC squared.

But he thought relativity’s beauty
Superseded his scholarly duty—
It was chaos he feared
When the Quantum appeared
And his arguments turned rather snooty.

He insisted God didn’t not play dice,
That such randomness wasn’t so nice,
That the big and the small
Could be joined after all,
And their reasoning didn’t suffice.

So he squandered his later career
Chasing theories that wouldn’t appear
But he still had his fame
As a real household name
And an icon the whole world held dear.

Beauty is so fleeting
It sweeps through, hardly seating
Like the air we breathe
So dire, yet we believe
Without it, what’s life but…a bare quivering?

And now, back to work.
This is quite addictive.

A techie, after hours of drinking,
Tried to get a website to stop blinking.
After watching it flash,
He emptied his cache...
But not in the way that YOU'RE thinking.

When the wife was in bed or helicopter,
He'd practice his speech while he f*cked her,
Above the "Hope n'Change" din,
Michelle shouted at him,
"Barry, turn off that damn teleprompter"!

In the Lucasfilm Cormac McCarthy,
Judge Kenobi was quite abbatoirthy.
The handsome Han Suttree
Killed Jabba the Huttree.
Chigurh was a Friendo Of Darthy.

There was an old lady, quite fat
Who lived in a room with her cat
And couldn't find Crisco
Out in San Francisco
To fry up some wings in a vat

At the new moon, pale Edward would range,
Once he caught whiff of Bella's sweet tang,
"This once a month blood,
Is really quite good,
But the tampons get stuck in my fangs"!

When Limericizing, regrets
Must go by the wayside. Who frets
About the profanity
In their inanity
Are silenced by one word: "Tourette's."

The courageous AAers must choose
To be sober when flouncing a flooze.
For the music, one has
Rock or Metal or Jazz
Whilst eschewing the Rhythm and Booze.

A horny young limericist
F****d a lass he found hard to resist,
And found that HER Rhyme Scheme
Made M. de Sade's crimes seem
Quite tame when she ceased to desist.

A young man moved out to LA
With a tightly scripted screenplay
By the time he crawled home
He'd been f*cked to the bone
And not in the pleasantest way

There once was a singer named Whitney
Who's fame rivaled Barbra and Britney
Till too much drug use
Gave her chords such abuse
That now she sounds like Gene Pitney

When handing out checks,
one tends to fund wrecks,
so by cutting corners,
films like Transformers
arrive at the local multiplex

Jake Gittes was hot on the case.
Bad news for the widow in lace.
For in all L.A. history,
For him, any mystery
Could be unveiled by a slap to the face.

With Calculus, learning potential
Is enhanced with hot sex. Quintessential
To Ars[e] Mathematica
Up in some attic, a
Romping makes SOME differential!

The White House is home to Obama
His children, his wife and her mama
With all due respect
Their domain, I suspect
Is rife with familial drama

That boy by her old mama’s car
Said, Baby, I’ll make you a star.
We’ll rob banks town to town
’Til the law guns us down,
But the world will all know who we are.

Norman Bates is a man of nice airs
Whose old mother has got him ensnared.
Yes, she’s lacking in charm
But she means you no harm.
But please don’t look under the stairs.

A clever schoolboy name o' Dawkins
Envied sales of the great Stephen Hawkin's
So he prayed "thankya God
For the random chance odd,
To flog Hawkin's by re-lidgus mawkin's!"

A bit more on this Dawkins, I fear,
When the song of a twit do I hear,
"Don't like science? F*ck off!"
God replies with a cough,
"Hell is full of gits bending my ear."

Ms. Schneider, with Brando beside her
Would have let that old c***sman inside her
But cold made him stubbish
A nebbish turned nubbish
And therefore his d**k was denied her.

"Your wench, though quite pretty, is fickle, son,"
Said the man to his boy. "It's a pickle, son:
Don't let her near Jack,
For they'll head for the sack
And then she won't be worth a plugged nickel, son."

Once light source spewed forth with a bang,
And life force spilt out of a wang.
Since nobody'd taught us,
You see what it's wrought as,
Primord'al to multitudes brang.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who carried his nuts in a bucket
He said in the past
I kept them in my a**
But then my boyfriend wouldn't f*** it

Young ladies, from skinny to spherical,
Like their sex talk in prose, and empirical,
Though they make an exemption
And find their redemption
In poets whose verses are Lear-ical.

Madonna earned fame for her sass,
For her bras capped with nipples of brass,
For writhing in spasms
On the verge of orgasms,
And some stylish shakes of her ass.

Since I know I cannot come in first
I've decided to shoot for the worst!
I'll mangle my rhymes
and misconstruct my lines,
and I'll praise Ben Stein's films uncoerced!

:p

If you find yourself living alone
And inactivity makes you groan
At the adult bookstore
You'll find dodads galore
That are guaranteed to make you moan

The nature of someone's indecency
Turns holy, as even a flea can see,
When it inspires verses
Resplendent with curses
Which, posted, though asterisked, He can see.

Poor Blanche could not her life mend.
Her past followed her ’til the end.
For whenever in danger,
She turned to a stranger
On whose kindness she could not depend.

The Right is a great place to be
On topics with controversy
And admit it it's true
Whether your Red or your Blue
You'd f*ck Palin not Pelosi

Birthed fin de siècle, the MILF
Is the daydream of many. A sylph
Cavorting neath cover
Though somebody's mother
Has even now pleased an EILF.

[That last word is Friend, friend. No hard feelings.]

The original MILF was J. Coolidge,
An AILF of my liking, no foolidge,
For I'd like to try
Her American Pie
While I pray for an absence of droolage.

A fiddler drew crowds at the station
On account of his sexy gyrations.
His tunes were quite fine,
But his movements divine,
His kilt fluttering in sweet invitation.

Now I'm a big fan of O'Reilly
Ebert's not and said so quite snidely
But upon further review
Even though it's his millieu
He hadn't watched the show obviously

Roger and Gene were elated
To find print criticism was dated
They turned up their thumbs
And gained not a few crumbs
When their movie show was syndicated.

That cinema hero, Kirk Douglas,
Was a rakehell both eager and smug. Lest
You think him invincible,
Pier's lack of principle
Left him, in this one case, fugless.

The once was a man named Skinner
Who was taking his girlfriend to dinner
At a quarter of nine they sat down to dine
At a quarter of ten it was in her
The dinner, not Skinner
Skinner was no beginner
He was in her before dinner

Brown Bunny my friend Roger said "pass"
Mr. Gallo's response was quite crass
After ten minutes I swore
Though violence I abhor
To shove Roger's thumb up Vin's *ss.

Though s******g was his bread and butter
A lady whose name we'll not utter
Whom he'd liked to have blissed
Made a powerful fist
And made him, not by choice, quite the Nutter.

Brown Bunny my friend Roger said "pass"
Mr. Gallo's response was quite crass
After ten minutes I swore
Though violence I abhor
To shove Roger's thumb up Vin's *ss.

There once was a man quadruped
who read small books when he pooped;
And to the strangers that did mock,
were soon told his fifth leg was his c*ck
(although his balls were exceptionally minute).

[I reposted because I forgot to asterick]

Roger's political rants are quite edgy
And very often we bloggers get testy
Darwin or Intelligent Design
God, Darwin, what's yours and what is mine
Sometimes I want to give Ebert a wedgie

With acids, there's nitric and uric,
And boric, lysergic, sulphuric;
But all of these Palin
Compare to the whalin'
Inflicted by that Katie Couric.

After reading 40 of these in a row I find it difficult to mentally parse serious prose of any kind. Hopefully this neurological effect will diminish with time...

Ooops, sorry, this should have been posted in the appropriate form.

A lim'rick with form quite inviolate...

(to be continued)

My grandmother, catholic and chaste,
Warned, "Satan likes to masturbate"
When I told my dick, "nay!"
He turned blue and angry
And splurged at the dance in eighth grade

From blatant to merely suggestive
Most sex propositions make restive
And prone to be slapping,
So don't be caught napping:
Make SURE that she's Eager, and Festive.

The Fringe, they run out to foam
No one told them to just stay home
Conflating all issues
Crying and tissues
Palin, your book will save us from doom!

A gent of prodigious fecundity
Succeeded despite his rotundity
By thumbing his waist
Up and plunging in haste;
"Thumbs Up" thus precludes moribundity.

The limerick's a noble verse
With a rep that could scarcely be worse
My only regret
Is that I haven't as yet
Managed to enrich this one with a curse

A lonely young lad took a chance
with a stripper and got a lap dance.
She started to grind,
but he said "Nevermind"
"I've already soiled my pants"

A B-Ball point guard liked to nibble
And nip at his girlfriend, who'd quibble
At swallowing s***;
So he said, "Mary Lou,
What's the problem? I don't double-dribble."

While seeing a friend in St. Louis,
we met two young ladies who knew us.
We spoke of the climate,
and happened to time it
so just like the wind, they blew us.

In order to win the prize booby
One might need to smoke a doobie
It's a perverse aspiration
To spawn a shocking creation
Like an ugly dog sh*tting a ruby

For five lines of lyrical nonsense
Most publishers won't pay a tuppence
But thanks to this blog
Because Ebert's a sly dog
They're about to get their comeuppance

Ode to Twilight

There once was a vampire boy
Who, for a vampire, acted quite coy
He didn't bite necks
But he did have great pecs
And in Hollywood, that equals joy.

A crazed lone assassin named Willem
Saw people and wanted to kill 'em.
Someone drew him aside
To the shadows and cried,
"Congress is that way -- go drill 'em!"

When a fortune-teller brought a warning,
that a boy's dad would die before morning,
and they made it to five,
with his daddy alive,
but his uncle left everyone mourning.

There once was a couple from Opulate,
Who loved to make love and to copulate,
"They're not one and the same,"
They would often explain,
"One's for fun and the other to populate."

T’was a wizened and dried-up old fossil
Though a fine, not really colossal
But the Vatican thought
From the wonders it wrought
T’was the peter of Paul the Apostle

While I know this sounds like psychobabble
(And though simple ones tickle the rabble)
A good limerick pales
When it tries, but it fails,
To emPHASize the proper sylLABle

A random occurrence named Percival
Would Schrödinger's daughter coerce, if full
Of Many-Worlds Rudeness,
But this quantum crudeness
He found untoward, and was merciful.

So about those habits of yours (or lack thereof):

Your admission was quite a treat
Though I'm stunned you would share such a private bit
For your readers aren't that curious
And are probably very furious
That their will power is not half as great

There once was a man named Beck
His mouth spoke of nothing but dreck
With tears in his eyes
And a tongue full of lies
A nation he set out to wreck

One Talk Lady, far from frenetic,
Perhaps now, though, peripatetic,
Resigns, far from finished,
And glows, undiminished,
HDified, she's copacetic.

Over Denver there flew a balloon
A crisis was declared too soon
There was no child inside
His parents had lied
I vote they be sent to the moon

Some folks have too much time on their hands
Of boring posts they are such huge fans
They type and submit
A bunch of bullsh*t
That should just be placed in the wastecan.

As dull as the caption contest
Was when Ebert himself did profess
A penchant for lim'ricks,
The fans all drained their Bics,
But for me, well, I just could not care less.

A Life Drawing student did nudes
With his charcoal-dipped d**k; then the dudes
And dudettes that surrounded him
Really astounded him
Dipping THEIR In- and Extrudes.

There once was a man named Chigurh
From where he came no one was sure
He'd walk through the town
Leave some bodies around
Though with a lucky coin one might endure

Carte Blanche is a dangerous thing
And with multiple posts, when we fling
Near and there, far and wee,
Done unlimitedly,
You may find all of the bandwidth's gone--se

I once asked my dad for advice.
"How can I make my new girlfriend come twice?"
Upon seeing her picture,
Said my humble teacher,
"Beats me, but I'd sure like to try it."

I knelt down and prayed to the muse
For a lim'rick; she could not refuse.
Said "You'll win Ebert's prize
with these Japanese lines."
I said, "Sh*t, you dumb f*ck. That's haiku."

(My only G-rated limerick here, I'd venture)
(but topical)
(so it's probably good for that rash)

------------------

When Oprah says "break down the sets"
Just wait for the tributes and fêtes.
But five gets you ten
That she'll be back, and then
She'll be GREAT running 'O' for the Jets.

In movies, full-frontal is grand.
But why won't it do for a man?
What's up, guys, think Larry's
Ol' bare twigs 'n' berries
Will turn you each into a fan??

A Chicken said: "Egg, I feel cursed.
I'm so horny I'm ready to burst."
Said the egg to the chicken
"I'll go down and start lickin'
But I think I should get to come first."

I marvel at the Leonid shower,
And wonder at its marvelous power,
But then I reflect,
It's an atmospheric effect,
And nothing compared to a quasar.

IF HITCH DID PORNO - A Thoughtful Review

I think that is just a MacGuffin.
That lady's-- uh how you say, 'muffin'.
The plot is for shit
But that girl's naughty bit
Is the plot device drivin' my huffin'.

PERHAPS THE STAR WARS EPISODE SEQUENCE CONFUSED HIM

If Yoda a poet was he
His verse, rhyming nonsense would be
Think you would a sage one
Could damn speak his page one
Before spoke he page sixty-three!

“Yields falsehood when preceded by its quotation”
Yields falsehood when preceded by its quotation,
I.E., "I always lie",
The liar* lies.
*Assume the liar lies in every situation.

When c****g, Sylvester had g**p
That would ricochet off a gal's mop
Flying off to the sky--
One thing about Sly:
He always WAS Over The Top.

ON FOREIGN FILMS

I've always like that guy Fellini.
Subtitles are fine, it's all keenie.
But I won't watch the porneo
From Sweden or Borneo
Words get in the way of the weenie.

EVEN HIGHBROWS GET THE BLUES

To Have and Have Not, or Fritz Lang
The Postman Who - once or Twice - Rang
Hey, I dig great movies
But men want their boobies
And me, show me Dirk Diggler's wang!

A Physicist from Hong-Kong
Who grabbed a scope for a song
Spying neighbors after sky
He understand why
Astronomers do it all night long.

THERE ARE *TWO* LINKS FOR LIMERICKS (I blame the Hadron Collider)

I hope you don't think me a cheesehead
For posting here too - can't hit 'reset'.
Your first link was nice,
But I'm doing it TWICE
(Heh heh heh - slobber drool - "That's what SHE said!!")

A gambler at Santa Anita
Wooed a silly but game señorita
With two sugar cubes,
Which, applied to her pubes,
Won for both of them La Dolce Vita.

There was an old gal with three breasts
Who was fab entertaining her guests
She would smile and serve tea
Filling fellas with glee
As she offered them cream with no mess!

A poststructuralist desperate for play
Found a cross-dressing hooker to lay.
When she unzipped her fly
And explained, "I'm a guy,"
He scoffed, "Gender distinction's passé."

The limerick holds me in awe
Goes with swearing like a crow with its caw
It's a form that well weathers
The decades like Heathers'
"F*ck me gently with a chainsaw"

At Fox lives a pundit named Beck
To the left, a real pain in the neck
Whose pontifications
And gross bloviations
Earn him one helluva check.

His equal in hate is called Bill O.
His manner as grating as Brill-O
Along with Sean Hannity,
This trio of insanity
Should all be snuffed out with a pillow

And then there's the bilious Rush
Whose views would have made Hitler blush
Through all this vile spinning,
The only one grinning
Is Murdoch, whose coffers are flush

Which brings us to one Sarah Palin
Whose future the GOP's hailin'
Though in '08 rejected,
If in '12 she's elected,
On this country, I'll surely be bailin'!

THE GERMAN WORE GRAY, YOU WORE A BLUE TEDDY WITH GARTERS & WHIPS

They say that too much copulation
Can increase our too-large population.
But there's pills and devices
To forestall this crisis
and "We'll always have pair masturbation!"

Certainly Dark City is refined
Only being replaced in the mind
With the thought of a girly
By the name of Isabel Sarli
And a cucumber in her behind

There was a critic who loved Herzog
All of Werner’s films gave him a log
Herr Stipetić dedicated him a flick
Which produced a fifteen inch d*ck
And left behind a puddle o’ salty grog

There once was a man from Chicago
Who married an ugly virago
When friends asked him why
He'd just smile and sigh
She sucks c**k like it's prime rib at Spago

Ebert:

I searched for a rhyme for Chicago
But the best I could do was Munt Pokono.
I mean to head off the impression
You write of my relation,
And not that old lady from Kokomo.

A satyr, though poorly endowed
Wore his trousers exceedingly prow'd.
The trick was the angle
At which it would dangle:
Less than 90 was never allowed.

"Limericks sturdy
Have syllables thirty."
So said my mama,
But she didn't tell moi
That they're supposed to be dirty.

Siskle and Ebert would the other abuse
And never would it fail to amuse
This kid from the prairie
Would laugh til' he's teary
At jabs about weight and hairdos.

Sometimes we would hear with delight
A battle to know who was right
Their eyes would shout out 'hey stupid'
'Yer ideas' like a dog that's just poop'ed'
It's brothers who often fistfight.

Ebert knows all the good movies
To bring popcorn and sodas and floozies
So when years they did pass
We would always come back
Like that badge of a rock star, herpes.

His blog like a cozy tavern
Would draw us to always return
For a concert in words
Can sing like the birds
And make it so hard to adjourn.

His writing's whats kept me returnin'
But some comments will leave my brains burnin'
Archie Bunker once said
That guys a meathead
One of us, this name, is a earnin'

Though R Master and I have been slaven'
To convince the other that he's mis-behaven'
When I'd try with all might
To convince him I'm right
He seems to have no sense of caven'

For When it is said
That ID is died
He comes back like that dude
Transylvanian.

Sue’s a billiard nut. It’s understood.
All her gear is kept just like it should.
Every bridge, cue and ball’s
Neatly stored on the wall
In a case of the finest of wood.

But the neighborhood carpenter Zach
Said, “I went there a week or two back.
When I looked ‘round the place,
I got slapped in the face
When I told her she had a nice rack.”

Chico caused quite a calamity
attempting to preach Christianity
'cause his mates, who weren't pigeons
considered religions
a virulent form of insanity

A strapping young lad name of Diggory
was crazy about anal buggery.
First he buggered his cat
then he buggered his dog
then he buggered his whole f***in family

There was a young woman called scum
who sat on her big, fat, bare bum.
She once ate a tart
& blew a big fart
while behind her withered a plum!

J.R., on a trip to sin city
met a peeler who was very pretty.
He spent every dime
and had a great time
in spite of not meeting her kitty

'twas a man who typed with his feet
most agreed it was really neat
the one thing his hands are able
is only suitable for cable
while looking at two huge teats

There once was a man from Hewitt
Who was known as a slovenly poet
He could manage for a time
With an adequate rhyme
But in the end he'd always f**k it up

Hello. I’ve written a poem
As fine as a wine jeroboam—
Instead of lush liters,
Louche lines. Their meter’s
From old Irish vintages. Know ‘em?

Now have you heard the latest word about the neighbors’ girl?
Seems their darlin’ daughter gave a woodwind wag a whirl.
A patriot, in fond salute,
He played the anthem with his flute,
His love of lilacs so acute, it made her flag unfurl!

In Limerick--yes, Limerick--there lives one Gussie Gorham.
Her mother taught her well the ways of ladylike decorum.
Two young tradesmen, merger-bound,
Sought social intercourse profound.
She memo-ed them to come right round: “We three will form a quorum!”

A mapmaking miss, from Kilkenny way,
Used geo-reference when having her say.
A Northern haranguer
Once offered to ‘Bangor’.
She smirked, “Shove your ‘Longford’ up your ‘Dingle Bay’!”

In response to the World Health Organization’s 2007 report that Luxembourg is the #1 alcohol-consuming nation in the world with Ireland as second…

In Ireland’s pubs, lest you doubt it,
There’s pride in the pint, and they spout it.
Though World Health reports
They’re second in snorts,
They’re too pissed to be pissed about it.

Auteurs like Kubrick and Scorsese
Use the camera to show us what they see,
And - no ifs, ands, or buts -
Their visions often seem nuts,
But Herzog's are all bat-sh*t crazy.

My name is Inigo Montoya,
From the country that gave the world Goya.
Since my father you killed,
Soon your blood will be spilled.
(All this speech-making's just to annoy ya.)

To my roommate downstairs
who sits on a chair
and runs to his mom
holding his palm
crying for his teddy bear:

Why must you open the door?
It is not just your floor!
I put up with the flies
under a friendly disguise,
but politeness is becoming a chore.

Doinkedy doinkedy doinkedy doinkedy.
Boinkedy boinkedy boinkedy boinkedy.
This is a great limerick.
This is a really really good limerick.
Toinkedy toinkedy toinkedy toinkedy.

Herman Melville Composes a Highly Symbolical Limerick:

There once was a milf name of Palin
For a thrill with O'Reilly went whalin'.
"Bill!" she exclaimed,
"That harpoon is a pain,
But your pin-head sure makes for smooth sailin'.

A man once complained to a bothersome fly,
"You're annoying me always. I want to know why."
Said the fly, "Good dear sir,
You are sane, I am sure,
But do you often converse with the spot on your eye?"

After Blade Runner, filmgoer muses:
"The man with the replicant fuses,
After much cat-and-mouse
Through a giant warehouse
And a unicorn dream that confuses."

If smart girls all want to be pretty
And fair girls to be thought as witty
Then what's the desire
Of the girl who conspires
To sing "Summertime" in the potty?

Ebert:

I once had a girl in Khartohm
Who liked to pass gas in a tomb.
And there in the dark
Her bowels would bark:
A Bop-bop-a-re-bop, a bop-bam-boom!

A man taught his puppy to never beg,
So instead it chewed on the table leg,
And the contrary terrier
Was kicked in it's derriere
And shipped to a sister in Winnipeg

There once was a trapper named Weaver,
Who had an affair with a beaver,
The result of that f**k,
Was a canvasback duck,
Two canoes and a Golden Retriever.

Of bad lim'ricks we now have a flood;
They're turning this poor brain to mud.
Someone else used "virago"
To rhyme with "Chicago,"
So I'll think up some other dud.

A prince and his twin fraternal
Fought always, their envy eternal,
But they stood side-by-side
When joint patricide
Gave them one less rival paternal.

A wanker lived in a hut
with weak legs from doing it so much,
that prided taking lightly any rival:
He ain't got no balls,
but he sure got some nuts.

I murder with long-practiced ease,
And then place them with care in deep freeze.
I watch with a thrill
As their hearts get a chill
And grow cold to the world by degrees.

I'm tryin' to write dirty, I swear,
Down to holes in these old underwear,
Cussing like Lenny Bruce,
Give my rectum a goose,
But results and the odor ain't fair!

A limericist from Chicago
Set up an embargo
On all but smutty rhymes
Some not so culturally attuned
Were hard put, a comment to intruned
Hence concluded, lerirgo, lerirgo.

The secret seems to be to start, and then she builds herself.

The movie so haggard and hoary
Recycled an old Hitchcock story.
But the actor supporting
Through facial contorting
Suggested a young Peter Lorre.

Having composed my first limerick
I'm itchin' to repeat the trick
If Ebert can churn 'em out
There's no reason to doubt
The populace too can prick.

Let's try again.

Two follows one as three two
Ebert, Lear, me, and you,
Limericking's addictive
You jest gotta sit down to it
An' they'll start reproductin' like spew.

Once upon a time in France
A young gal pulled down my pants
"What is this?
Did you just piss?"
And so ended our romance.

Looks like I'm hooked.
I'd rather read a book
Than spend me days
In a mental haze
Making rhymes from morn to day-took.

That poor Mr. Harold Geranium!
His hair fell right off from his cranium.
When closely inspected,
The rocks he collected
Contained large amounts of Uranium.

The constraint is make it smutty
Let thy imaginins' be for once dirty
There's prizes to be won
Nothing to shun
The referee loves it s**tty, you bettee.

I had a dream of Salma Hayek
It took place in a kayak
On the Nile River
I made her quiver
And all I used was my Pat Sajak.

I realize the movie New Moon
Makes all the young ladies swoon
But could you at least
Not cheer for the beast
While I'm here in the room?

Said the lass to the pastor, "Please marry us,
Or all hope for heaven's precarious.
I can play with men's sin
Like a fine violin,
Absent wedlock I must straddle various."

There was a woman in Rome
Who liked to chew on men's bones
She gnawed and she nipped
While they rubbed her cl*t
Which is why men followed her home.

Good Golly, good Gravy, good God,
What a mega-magnificent bod.
I'd be glad to commend you,
Exalt you, defend you,
The least I can do is be Prod.

I shot at an owl
Who then shot back at me
He carefully aimed
So now I'm maimed
My left eye can no longer see.

A fellow of some erudition
Took a break on his Road to Perdition,
Then promptly advanced
On a girl, and enhanced
Her delicacy of condition.

There was a woman from France
Who liked to go down in men's pants
She'd say that she lost
Something tiny and soft
Which became large and hard from romance.

A Splash and a powdery wig
Cast Away all his caution. The pig
Asked Big Martha to mess
With his Polar Express--
"Ladykiller? You're naught but a prig!"

There once was a man who swore
That his wife was a dirty wh*re
While he stayed home
She would leave alone
And f*ck the penniless poor.

Fast Freddy, a staid up-and-comer,
Came five times a night one hot summer.
Though he was a loner,
Through waxing his b***r
Life seemed to be less of a bummer.

The Limerick Game's serendipitous
But rhyming can be most precipitous.
It takes near a genius
To work in the w****e--us
Geniuses (?) MAY be . . . duplicitous.

An orchestral man from the Bronx
Wrote musicals for honky tonks
When asked for a lyric
He'd say, "I'm quite rhythmic,
But when it comes to rhyming...fuggedaboutit!!"

Now that Nano's the thing come to pass,
Temp-Tattooing will be such a gas,
For the nano-tats flee
Subcutaneously
To a vaporous form in your a*s.

A golfer, priapic and nuts,
Was delighted with divoted ruts
On the fairway. "Oh joy,
I am one happy boy
To use these for the sinking of p**z!"

When Kirk and Spock flew on the Enterprise
They had a great time in the friendly skies
If only they'd known
While they played with their Bones
They both could have hooked up with George Takei

With tennis, the rule's Jack Be Nimble,
So at Wimbledon, make sure to Wimble
The Ladies In Wait who
Elsewise will berate you:
"His p***k wouldn't fill up a thimble!"

Ta - KAY, Ta - KAI, I hope it rhymes
O please forgive my poetic crimes
But its late at night and I'm chasing my sad off
Reading these limmericks and laughing my @$$ off

The lad lusted after the Queen,
And she knew it, and said, all serene,
"Your Sceptre could groan me;
Why don't you dethrone me?"
But the Sceptre, unleashed, scared her green.

Tom Dark, Marie Haws, Karl-Heinz:
As limericists, each one shines.
But Gary in Phoenix
Is harder than pre-mix
--To DECIPHER--tsk tsk--dirty minds!!

In lust with my health care provider,
I dreamed of the day I could ride her,
'Twould not be enjoyed,
For the Earth was destroyed,
By the stupid Large Hadron Collider.

They say women care not for "size."
Just one of their little white lies.
Though good with my tongue,
I'm glad I'm well-hung;
It makes me a sight for bored thighs!

I loved your right-on review of "A Hard Day's Night,"
Here's a Beatles parody, is it out of sight?

href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m6qC6FCiY0">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m6qC6FCiY0

Scatalogic is just one fine way
To brighten dear Roger's whole day
The list will include
(Because he's no prude)
Masterbation, deviation, and foreplay

Limerickin's compulsive
When your mind in more productive
Ruminings should be revolvin'
Instead goes devolvin'
Into rhyme, smut and...and...and...

There was a young man from Berlin
Whose deeds were adventures in sin
"If my actions of late
Have sealed my fate
Why shouldn't I do them again?"

Said Sartre, while visiting Chartres,
"I fear that soon I may fartre."
He repaired from the nave,
reputation to save,
thus proving that Sartre was smartre.

If Hilary Duff had been Mary
And Rosie O'Donnell Christ, very
Secure reputations
Through reincarnations
Would fall by the wayside. Chuck? Larry??!

A PETA man ranked Junior Flunky
Having talked to My Neighbor The Junkie
Said to me "You're detested
We'll have you arrested
He swears you are spanking your monkey."

"You've got Gas Station Clap," said Doc Clay,
"You need shots for a week, every day."
I said, "What IS that, Doc?"
He replied, not to mock,
"It's analogous: Pump First, Then Pay."

Ebert:

Gary in Phoenix, Arizona,
Cultivated a gentle persona.
But all bets were off
When he lay in the trough
With $2 Juliet from Verona.

It's five in the morning down south
And I'm sitting here opening my mouth
At this wonderful prose
I'll make one, I suppose
But I'm no good with rhyming. So....Louth?

Steak n Shake is my place of employment
For five months, it has just been enjoyment
Except after four
When we get all the whores
Who buy shakes with the fruit of their boy hunt.

Ebert:

There was an old flasher from Wight
Who throughout the town was a blight.
He would unzip his fly
And say with a sigh,
In Sight, It Must Be Right!

The efficiently built dromedary
in affairs of the heart does not tarry.
When this amorous mammal
finds a like minded camel,
after one hump, he's off for a sherry.

A boy who quit always at kissing
Finally learned what it was he'd been missing.
When suddenly apprised
By a word from the wise:
"It isn't used only for p***ing."

Heard in the 70's:

In the garden of Eden lay Adam
Stroking and caressing his madam
And proud was his mirth
For he knew that on earth
There were only two balls, and he had'em

Excuse me if I sound all uppity,
But limericks are just not my cup of tea.
I fear that the masses,
With taste up their *sses,
Will somehow think limericks are poetry.

To answer the physicists' question,
Of what followed the Big Bang's inception.
I asked Adam and Eve,
And he said, "Big Relief,"
But she answered, "A Big Head Congestion!"

(He came, I didn't.)

Old Two-D*ck had to face the facts
Double boner was not a Big Mac
Too much double-double
could cause lots of trouble
and even cause a heart attack

The Number One Pundit was flattering
Though the whiz from his trough-end was spattering.
Juliet, though a whore,
Speaks La Langue De L'Amour--
Well, at least she's aware of a smattering.

Is it not most expressly ironic
That Amy and Lindsay, iconic
For passing their days
In a purplish haze
Get SO MUCH press? Press--be laconic!

I used to know a psychologist whose last name was Dres, in whose honor the following:

Said the wealthy young headshrink named Dres:
"In the ad game it's clear more is less
If your message is brief
They'll come pour out their grief
So my motto is: Dres for success!"

Said Maria to Arnold, "Puh-LEEEZ!
I don't WANT to play 'Warm Mister Freeze.'"
He said, "Though paradoxical,
Heat's in my c***sicle,
I beg you, mein liebe--on your knees."

There once was a man named Roger
Who hated the abysmal Transformer
He disliked the noise
He mocked the grandiose
He said it was all a big torture.

A sculptor once tried bestiality
And preserved in 3D his carnality.
He then came to grief
When his new baaa-relief
Was rejected for gross abnormality.

A flinty, trenchcoated young shamus
Caught the girls en flagrante. "Defame us?
We find it quite gleesome;
Come, let's have a threesome:
A d**k with a p***k would enflame us!"

A young lad named Wee Willie Winkie
had a passion for stroking his dinky.
Now he's blind as a bat
with a seeing-eye cat
but gets porn in braille that's quite kinky

Said miserly old Ebenezer
"I may be a wrinkled-up geezer
Whose last name is Scrooge
But I'm still full of s*****e--
So fetch me a wench, Cratch--I'll please her!"

A drug addict, like old Narcissus,
Was yearning to give himself kisses.
So great was his need
that he shot up his seed
And gave birth to himself his own Mrs.

A girl who lived down by the sea
Had hair that hung down to her knee.
To sneeze she would not
Because of the snot
But the whiplash alone bothers me.

Now this is a fine howdy-do,
To see Ebert's online rendezvous
Abandoning flicks
To trade limericks.
It's the worst mess I've seen since Transformers Two.

On Thankgiving Eve, old McGurky
Told his wife he was having no turkey,
Then pulled out his pestle
And started to wrestle,
Explaining, "I like my Beef Jerky."

I am feeling quite virile and frisky,
And Train-Through-A-Tunnel Hard-Disky,
But I'll not put to rhyme
How I'll soon spend my time
For I fear it will be asterisky.

There once was an Editor Vektrim
All he did with my poems was reject 'em
I should send him a print
Of these with the hint
Insert delicately into your rectum

...and by Vektrim I mean Robert Pinsky. And by delicately I mean as forcefully as possible, perhaps along with a handful of thumbtacks.

'Stella!' he cried with great vigor
and was known for his very bad temper
Blanche drove him nuts
(he called her a slut)
But Stanley ended up dallying with her.

"Change!" was the cry that was shouted
"At least he's not Bush!" the crowd touted
Told tortured terrorists "We're sorry!"
Told anxious generals "Maybe tomorry!"
And thought 'Way-Left' was where we'd be better rerouted.

A woman bereft of orgasm
Thought Roger the cure for her chasm.
His crude limericks
Left her thinking of d**ks
Joined her husband in bed for a spasm.

There is a poetry contest
By one of the critics' best
With no given deadline
One of the entrants whined
How this sort of thing he'd detest.

(Not that I really don't like this, you see
The lack of a deadline just kind of bugs me.)

There was a boy from Arizona
Who fell for a girl named Mona
And then they lost touch
Which got to be too much
And he always felt so alone-a.

There was a Park Ridger named Bronson
Who spent his weekends in Wisconsin
With a mistress named Dake
In a boat on the lake
While she played with his 40-horse Johnson

The butcher and his wife loved one another
Till he made bacon with the wife of his brother
But when they eloped
Neither cuckold did mope
'Cause they'd been secretly porking each other.

Based on a joke I heard long, long ago...

Some tramps took two nuns in a dell,
And one prayed so to save them from Hell:
"They know not what they do!"
"Well, maybe for you,"
Said the other, "but mine's doing well."

Too funny! I've worried the roommates from laughing so loud!

A limerick? Sure, just a few.
A contest? That's nothing new.
At least I'll begin,
though I know I won't win
because this is the best I can do.

My poetry's often too wordy.
My prose is decidedly nerdy.
But I may win fans as
I s*** out these stanzas,
if they're a tiny bit dirty.

If movies are made to be hits,
then we have to see naughty bits.
Sure, we hope you can act;
but the salient fact
is that you've gotta show us your t**s.

There once was a musician named Beck
Whose lyrics made you go, "what the heck?"
Unfortunately confused
With a man who gives "news"
And whose face you just want to deck.

In Lunenburg town lived an anarchist moose
whose very best friend was a Canada goose.
In inclement weather
they’d sit down together
drinking gooseberry brandy in rhutabarb juice.

In Lunenburg town lived an anarchist moose
whose very best friend was a Canada goose.
In inclement weather
they’d sit down together
drinking gooseberry brandy in rhutabarb juice.

Act One: that Godot's bound to come.
There's no reason that we should be glum.
Here's Pozzo and Lucky.
Man, life is just sucky.
Act Two: that Godot's bound to come.

Ebert: Lucky comes in on a chain
A slave in Pozzo's domain.
He thinks that his master
Is a godlike pilaster
For if not, he's rather a strain.

A hunter who hunted rhinoceros
had problems discharging his blunderbuss.
he ran terribly fast,
tipped his hat as he past,
said “I wish I had taken the omnibus.”

A preacher who came from Istanibul
went to proselytize among cannibals.
When stuffed with brown rice
he tasted quite nice;
but they found that his hide was untannable.

A girl, whose name was Colleen
had eyesight that wasn’t so keen.
The cause, I confess
is quite easy to guess:
her hand made me envious green.

A lad with his organ’s vast measure,
moved the girls to a rapture past pleasure,
but I’m sad to convey
this is only hearsay—
hard fact, a repast I would treasure.

In Old West the ladies who knew
Would seek out young Cain for a screw
From Shaolin days
He knew secret ways
And was master in art of Tongue Fu

Did Nabakov prove himself to be a pervert
Through the voice of Humbert Humbert?
Was Polanski ruthless and mean
When he had sex with a pre-teen?
Lust's a religion and man an easy convert.

There was once an old sugardaddy from Trinidad
Whose non-literary skills are now a bawdy ballad
He entered the race for a poet's chair
And found the world as usual: unfair
Calling a poet 'sex pest',is for his libido a print ad.

There was once an old man who renamed his d**k
For his wife thought it no better than a candle wick.
Call it 'The Sceptre', was his dictum
His threat: or I'll stick it in your rectum.
The wife said: need several births to learn the trick.

The rich live far above the fray
The bourgeoisie all get their say
As the empire fades out
Theres one fact without doubt
The poor still get f***ed every day

Anatomically speaking, so far
I'd expect to see more of a par
But it proved an illusion
Leading to the conclusion
That d*cks are just sillier than t*ts are

America used to be great
Tho theres been some doubt as of late
Our enemies joyous
Would love to destroy us
Their best chance a virus called hate

Now some of our foes live quite near
And claim to hold Old Glory dear
They're part of our problems
They sure haven't solved em'
By spreading a virus called fear

That episode zesty and ribald
Between Bernadetta and Tibald
Would have been Will's best play
But next hungover day
Even he couldn't read what he'd scribbled.

Aren't those limericks of Gary's quite humorous?
And like winkies, so cute and right numerous.
Ah, the “fine violin”:
Ay, it sure made me grin,
A-ticklin' my fickle-ish humerus.

My true love's libido is glacial.
Still I bought her a home, quite palatial.
And in the upper west wing
I gave her a ring
for I found both our tastes ran fellatial.

Chicagoans are Hell's most numerous
Said Twain. That's a foul canard; tumorous!
They go up to Heaven
Supplying the leaven
Known there as by far the most humorous.

The improbable name, Alouicious,
was appelled to a man most ambitious.
T’was insatiable need
and consummate greed
that impelled him to deeds avaricious.

A lad with a girlish mien
attracted a girl hard and lean
she made him bend over,
so demure in the clover,
and indulged in behaviors obscene.

I am a fine fellow named steve,
whose chest hair you wouldn't believe.
They're twelve inch black threads
and since I don't fancy dreads
I clip them and sell them as weave.

This same lad, clad in silk panties
he stole from the drawers of his aunties
went dancing downtown
in a taffeta gown
hoping to meet Preying Mantees.

The tart who was ditzy,
made up chintzy at a place ritzy,
was looking to please moneybags;
by contract, contracting his bags.
"Name's Eliot...Call me Spitzy"

As MILF-bait, most youths tend to focus
Celebrityward--hocus-pocus?
But, lads, Octomom
Should not serve as The Bomb:
You'd get lost in that hallway-sized locus.

That his anal fin begs for a reamin'
is all that old Jaws left me screamin'.
I don't play when I say
that you know that shark's gay
by his insatiable taste for fresh seamen.

If at winning this contest you vie
Remember--"unlimited"--try
Not to be rare as thallium;
Dealing in volume
You'll find some jewels ere you run dry.

I'll mention your poem in my poem,
If you'll mention my poem in yours!
What fame will result
From our new poet's cult
Atop all the rest of those bores!

There once was a man known as Slate
His libido alarmingly great
Ruined by an affair
With the family au pair
He shouldn't have shat where he ate

There once were two friends, Kirk and Ray.
So close that most thought them gay.
In light of this fact,
Banana man cracked
And squealed "God made me this way!"

There once was a dancer named Bunny
Who painted her nipples with honey
The guys found it sweet
And longed for a treat
Alas! They'd all run out of money

A frustrated poet named Margot
Was stuck for a word--then saw FARGO,
"My wishes came true,"
She exclaimed, "Skies are blue:
I've at last found a rhyme for Chicargo."

There once was a god from Olympus
The ladies all said "he will pimp us"
And because it was Zeus
They all took his man juice
So that now all his kin lives here with us

The quest for Dot's screenplay's grandiloquence
Is rough, as that supple young willow vents:
"Though I scream and I moan
I know I'm not alone,
Though my colleagues think they're Stirling Silliphants."

The film New Moon's a real big new hit
That all men think a pile of sh*t
And don't watch with your daughter
She'll be hot and bothered
When home she'll discover her cl*t

Hickory Dickory Dock
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries.......

And now a classic Egyptian joke :)

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Cairo and asked to be taken to the Airport.
On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh! TOYOTA!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi.
"Ohh! NISSAN!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, "Ohh! Mitsubishi!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
The taxi driver was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Fiat, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport.
"Ohh! Honda!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "That'll be LE 250."
"LE 250? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"
"Taxi meter. Made in Egypt. Very fast."

A writer named Quentin, whose diction
Seemed meth-enhanced, lent his depiction
His wallet. Wise plucker!
That BAD M**********R
Gave honest grit to his PULP FICTION.

A lady who was slathered in glamour
made all the boys stutter and stammer.
To one she did tease,
if you’ll get on your knees,
and do well there, I’ll raise quite a clamor.

When a man and his farts are considered
By a woman who's lately been widdered,
She'll measure the weight
Of some new man's estate
'gainst the times her poor nose has been shittered.

A card sharp from downtown San Juan
Went online, found a Babe, and forged on
To enhance what he'd see
Prestidigitally
Till her Virtual Clothes were all gone.

There was an old blogger from Chi,
whose tweet treats I read on the fly.
When he mentioned Palin,
My breath started failin',
"Cause rather than watch her, I'd die.

A backer whom Dame Fortune chucked,
Whose play, critics claimed, deeply sucked,
Was offered reprieve
If he'd boy-toy for Steve;
How to choose? Either way, he was f****d.

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background.setColor(blue);
user.frown();
sys.shutdown();
user.scream("OH, SCREW YOU");}

Ebert:

There was a haying hacker named Bell
Who liked to program in his cell
There was room for his Mac
And a small luggage rack
But scant room for HTML.

To avoid asterisks, make up your own dirty words. For example:

The Pulitzer Committee told Ebert
You're lucky you met Carol Seaburt
'Cause you were a hack
'Til you learned how to fack
And she thrust your two thumbs up her tweebert.

I thought dear Roger was sober,
That the booze he'd long given over.
Then I came to his blog...
Through limericks slogged,
And now fear he's been smokin' hop clover.

In a little town of the name of Paw City,
a man got a paw job without amenity.
He wanted it done a la largo,
so he chased the cat, pants descended below,
who then got caned by their pimp, the Jack City Kitty.

A gal caught between good and what's evil,
Decided to choose what's more fun.
But her matted hair pubic
Was too complex for Rubik,
So she said "guess I'll go be a nun."

(My attempt for an informal contest among friends to write limericks featuring merkins.)

Rocky's sweetheart, exploring his merkin,
Desired to taste what was lurkin'.
She thought before slumber
She'd have a cucumber,
But all that she got was a gherkin.

There once was a lass from Nantucket
Who ne'er saw a chance but she'd pluck it.
She said when no sooner
Had she met Reverend Spooner,
"Just give me your sock and I'll cuck it."

O Lady of Spain I adore you!
I'll do what it takes just to score you.
I'm ready to please
With all sorts of sleaze
Till you coo at me back, "Oh, you whore, you!"

There once was this crook, Bernie Madoff,
who bilked Jews with fraudulent trade-off.
He got a hundred-plus years
and his ass in arrears,
but thanks to his cellmate, it's paid off.

Two film critics were such great chums
that when problems began in their bums,
they swapped prostate cleanings
that gave all new meanings
to our thoughts of their up-turned thumbs.

Readers, don't let it be overlooked!
The special page that I booked
With limericks sublime
On anatomical slime
For I'm scatologically hooked

http://j.mp/1gOUjR

Final entry, leaving good taste behind, but all's fair in a limerick

Here's a question, so answer me quick,
Why's a condom so much like a chick?
They both seem to stay
In your wallet all day,
And hardly at all on your d**k.

A young lass with exquisite timin'
Asked me to split open her hymen
But before I can start mergin'
With the delightful sweet virgin,
I must cease all this infernal rhymin'!

I'm in love with a Spaniard named Cruz
To me she seems like a muse.
If I do meet Penelope
What will become of me?
Still, what have I got to lose?

In 'Frisco a woman named Hocking
Was diddling herself through her stocking
She climaxed once more
Then she ran for the door
'Cause the whole g*'damn building was rocking!

To Tracey: I'll never outrank you;
As I here now wax bold and frank: You
Forewent what is racy
For Praise, kindly Tracey;
You're Awesome! Sincerely, I thank you.

I cannot forget the night when we met
I slowly approached you and said
Suck my p*nis,
Goddess Venus
And then I got slapped on the head

"That Scarecrow's got nothing on me,"
The Tinman cried out to Dorothy.
"It may seem he's hot,
A thinking hot shot,
But I have my heart on for thee."

Anderson Rutherford Lee
Was a man I'd rather not be
He got a bee stingy
On his poor little thingy
And now he just cannot pee

There once was an impotent sire
Whose wood woody wouldn't raise any higher
So at it he beat-ed
'Til the stick overheated
And then his whole body caught fire

There once was a gal from New York
Who liked to eat chips with a fork
When her food it did crumble
All the hot guys would mumble
"Boy, is she ever a dork."

Here's the story of my crazy friend Stephen
He couldn't decide which god to believe in
So he got on his knees
And prayed to the trees
And now they say that he's leavin'.

Huffington Post, that venerable blog,
Had nattering nabobs agog
By posting bare nipples,
And sad celeb quibbles--
Boobs, lace, and balloons for the mob.

Bequeathed with anatomical splendor,
a lady with hind parts most tender
had men queued at her door
butt she wanted them more
if their fore parts were long and quite slender.

Our aesthetics now run bad to worse—
our faculties engaged in reverse;
our minds are all twisted
our brains have been fisted
by this limerical fetish, perverse.

Persephone makes me smile
I could dance for a country mile
She makes life’s trials worthwhile
The skip in her step and her style
Her love of life is my delight
She makes this sad man glad and
Like a bright candle of light
Her easy ways are pure and bright
This life’s dark night made right
Longing her only, my lonely sight
Dimmed by years too hard to hear
The calling of a soul mate’s eternity
Waiting for the right lifetime, sublime
She’ll be mine in only a million years
A note of hope in eternity’s dream
Seems like a kind god’s scheme
To make her song my symphony
And yet all the while
Persephone makes me smile

Remember the peasant Rasputin
Whose penis caused female disputin'?
Twelve incher, they said,
With a wart on the head.
A faint-maker, that one: Darn tootin'!

Alas, after all of his rootin'
He was blamed for the kingdom pollutin'.
Men killed him and cut off
His member that got off
Gals who prayed to It after the shootin'.

With all of this salacious humor
we elicit most rapacious rumor.
Our degeneration
offendeth the nation—
but not you, O scurrilous consumer!

A swill-feeding maggot named Willie
Often dined on Fox News until silly
He would eat Hannity
Indefatigably
And Glenn Beck--what a Rush!--yes, O'Really!

"The Cavity Search of Blagojevich"
Has fans occupying a loyal niche
But Rod's career aspirations
Like the bar's micturations
Have been recently flushed down the toiletch

T'was a fellow named Dan from Ipswitch
Who when scratched on the head felt his leg twitch
His father said "Daniel,
Your mother's a Spaniel,
And you are a Son-of-a-Bitch!

Forensic analysis proved
That his rectum was angled and grooved
To have a bowel movement
With chute-like improvement
And Buggery, were he so moved.

Ah! Here's been mentioned the merkin!
It did have young dandies a-jerkin'!
Tho' confess and be fair,
Sometimes they'd prepare
By downing at least half a firkin!

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Stroking the length of his tadum
He smiled with great mirth
For he knew that on Earth
there were only two balls - and he had 'em.

You can't stop the tide: Creativity
Is fizzing--the riveter's rivety--
And perhaps we can score on
A new oxymoron:
An Extra-Terrestrial Nativity.

There was a young lad name of Herkin
Who couldn't quit jerkin' his gerkin
His Mother said "Herkin,
quit jerkin' yer' gerkin.
Yer gerkin's fer ferkin', not jerkin' "

Ebert: Someone here will be able to tell me how, on Google or where ever, I can find online polling software that allows three rounds of voting:

1. Nominations for your favorite limerick authors.

2. An elimination round to thin out the top half of first long list of names.

3. A final ballot among the top 10 finishers in Round 2.

And is there a way to block stuffing of the ballot box?

The marathon runner had taken
A breakfast of beer, beans and bacon;
"My time will be juiced
and I'll get a big boost
'cause of all of the wind I'll be breakin'"

Mr. Ebert enjoys shows of wit,
and he isn't afraid to admit
that limericks done right,
with the form at its height,
must include a reference to sh*t.

"From true First-Hand Authorship veering,"
They may well allege at a hearing,
But I'll claim a schism
Between Plagiarism
And honest Reverse Engineering.

[addressing the fact that I KNOW I've read some of these limericks before, and I FEAR that I'm on trodden ground when it comes to my own]

My betroth'd of sweet pure Irish heart,
Despised it when I'd craft a fart.
So I took to the sea,
Where the gulls clapped for me;
Moby Dick heard me practice my art!

Ogden Nash was a role model/teacher
But as a would-be overreacher
I
Will still stand so awed
And proclaim him unflawed
Nor the Choir need preach to the Preacher.

The clock on the wall it will stay
With hands always pointing two ways
But as the wise man once said,
Don't buy a new one instead,
It tells time right twice every day.

Tracey D., I think, knows about wimmen
Which direction the mermaids be swimmin'
When the pheromones ooze,
Which awaken each cooze
To the call of a clitoral trimmin'!

In offending my wife and my daughter,
Method F's sure to make their eyes water,
Kill the weeds, stun the flies,
Curdle milk, curl the fries,
And make glop of the clay of the potter.

There once was a man down my block
Whose john-thomas got lodged in a clock
When he gave it a d*cking
And it started ticking
Not a cuckoo sprung out but a c*ck.

Bush was an asshole at heart
Treated us like a big fart
He made a big stink
Told us all what to think
And lied like a rug from the start

The newbie young nude thought, anointing
His manhood with sunscreen, disjointing
His mood with a frown,
Since he dared not look down:
"Is it full? Does it Grow? Is it POINTING??!"

Some of my old ones.

There once was a man from New Haven
Who never used razors for shavin'.
A sword he would slash
At his bushy mustache
And his whiskers he took to the graven.

A fellow named Kermit the Frog
Was born and raised in a bog.
One day in Toledo,
He pressed his tuxedo
And married a pretty pink hog.

I'll steal one from The Magic Christian, with the understanding that I will not take credit for it.

There was a young lady from Exeter.
All the young men threw their sex at her.
Just to be rude,
She lay in-the-nude
While her parrot, a pervert, took pecks at her.

How about the old template joke?

There once was an X from place B,
That satisfied predicate P,
He or she did thing A,
In an adjective way,
Resulting in circumstance C.

A woman named Mary got sick
While sucking a large, hairy d*ck
The juice did run
From her nose to her thumb
Where it dribbled all over her cl*t.

The lactating lady took pleasure
Expressing her nectarish treasure;
Then I said, "O, what waste!
O, I'd die for a taste!"
Now we're mutually easing our pressure.

An Australopithecus named Lucy
was reputed to be hot and juicy.
When Johanson met her
he busted a fetter
for that 3,000,000 year-old floosey.

If I had patience, and time
I'd sit at my desk and rhyme
All day and all night
Till the sun rose bright
Then start again--quarter to nine.

Writing these limericks is fun
But this will be the last one
I've spent to much time
With abysmal rhymes
And now my limericking's done.

A hormone-hopped man's satiation
Was afoot when his ingratiation
Compelled his companion
To splay neath a banyan,
Defecting from Abstinence Nation.

When machoish war talk goes noisening,
Dismissed as Oh-Boys-Will-Be-Boys-ening,
It's what Margot Kidder
(Or was it Knight-Ridder?)
Defined as Testosterone Poisoning.

"Had I guessed you were virgin, God knows,
I'd have taken more time in my throes."
"More time? Had I guessed
It was something possessed,
I'd have taken off my panty hose."

Through Limericks, we have a forum
Enabling accreting a quorum
For Truth, Love and Beauty,
Though it may be our duty
To ****, thereby trashing decorum.

Joe was snagged by a siren named Sadie
Who had methods both shifty and shady.
She constantly snew him
When she shoulda **** him
Though he m*****d at her m***d unto eighty.

[What's 'snew,' you ask?]

Despite mi sufficient well-hung,
Mi no way immune from be stung;
It deflate mi big ego
when hear "Spanish Figo!"
From puta with very sharp tongue!

Oooh ooh let me try...

There once was a fella named Hawke
Who had a really huge cock
When he went to the gay bar
The men came from afar
to blow him until they could crock

A lesbian from Regina
Had a massive vagina
People asked and she said
i don't get a lotsa head
When girls try they get lost and I can't find them

Ebert:

A gay blade who lived in Khartoum
Had a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom

In 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
S. Kubrick abandons all modesty
And in CLOCKWORK ORANGE
Could he have been more unj-
Ust to M. McDowell? A fraud is he!

[Who SAYS you can't rhyme Orange?]

[I am a big fan of Kubrick MOVIES, but not Kubrick's METHODS.]

Said Thomas, a bard high and mighty,
"Go not gentle in that good nightie;
I'll give you your fill
High atop yon Fern Hill
Under Milk Wood--but please don't be bitey!"

It is painful to see Armond hammer
At worthy film-offerings. Stammer
As I sometimes might,
I'd exclaim, "W-W-White,
Must you always b-be such a damner?"

A sun-seeking beauty named Paris
Sought solace with Richard the Harris;
When told he was dead,
She surmised, "I guess h***
Isn't in the cards," free from embarrass.

I once met a waitress named Rosie
With a spot 'twixt her tits that seemed cozy
So I plopped down my dick
and gave it a flick
And shot my wad right up her nose-y.

The new troops were all smartly reviewed.
Flush with pride, off to Nam they were shooed.
Where they presently saw
This was no Bien Hoa,
And protested, "We've all Dien Bien Phued."

Sir Roger said things are too clean.
So let's make with the rhyming obscene.
Of boobies, and pasties
And fourteen-inch tasties
And things that go bang in Darlene.

I don't get obsessions with tits.
Sure, they're nice; I prefer naughty bits.
Not really a choice
No, it's just I like boys
And their bra-sizes sure are the pits.

Ebert:

There was a young lady of Chichester
Whose tits made the saints in their niches stir.
One morning at matins
The bulge of her satins
Made the bishop of Chichester's britches stir.

Not my own, but one of my favorite limericks:

There once was a man from Japan
whose limericks didn't quite scan.
When asked why it was,
he replied, "it's because
I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can!"

A knight, so I'm told, at the seaside,
Met Death, but, quick man, wasn't tongue-tied
He suggested some chess,
Later tried to confess,
At the end of the movie they all died.

LET'S GET META

A guy, name of Gary in Phoenix
Has a way with them word-calistheenix
His rhythm is right
And it brings such delight
That we used up three boxes of Kleenex.

Now don't you go getting no notion!
That's not dirty - don't make a commotion.
Just meant that you write
In a manner that's tight
(On her skin she is putting the lotion)

Oh my goodness, I'm getting risqué.
That's what comes of this titillous play.
I guess that the moral
Is, when you get oral
Sometimes you get carried away.

I'm now going back to my twitter.
I've had my small lecherous titter.
I'm really a nun
Who reads Tolstoy for fun
I'm NOT covering myself with pink glitter.

A bald man faced life with some dread,
Then, Halloween, Destiny sped:
He, dressed as a roll-on,
Prevented her stroll-on
By LITERALLY giving H**d.

Once a governor we know as Blago
Had a seat from a guy from Chicago.
It was put up for sale,
But then Blago got nailed
Since that’s not how the rules of the law go.

there is nothing more angelical
than the foreign orange jelly-smell
of a stamp collector's crotch
without a spot or a blotch
licked up with a zeal philatical.

Ebert:

There's nothing like the pneumatics
And sexual acrobatics
Of meter maids
With their pants full of change
screwing numismatic fanatics in attics.

A lil' original ditty about a few lymrics I'm a bit shy to repeat here
=)

The best lym'ric starts in Nantucket.
And ends with two balls in a bucket.
It's really quite lewd.
I'd recite it, too, dudes.
But my conscience won't let me untuck it.

Another 'orange' rhyme...

There's nothing more ingenious
in contests orange-vs-greenious
of the pissing variety
than to make things more rioty
by disqualifying the four-inch-penious.

There once was a critic named Roger,
a genial, affable codger,
but Saw VI made him numb,
so he cut off his thumb,
and thence gave reviews with his todger!

... another more risque' original.

An old virgin, whom men had forgot,
Was alarmed by an itch 'bove her twat.
She complained to her doc,
"I have crabs on my crotch!"
"Those are fruitflies, your cherry has rot!"

A linguist once futilely tried
To promote shortened words far and wide.
My colleagues are fasc!
And their thinking's irrat!
And orthography's not on my side!

"What means this big word TANTAMOUNT?"
Lady Tanta the Turk asked the Count.
"Why, I'll tell you, of course,
If you'll first ride my horse!"
For he longed greatly to see Tanta mount.

A youngster who hailed from the burbs
Often mixed up his nouns and his verbs.
For he went for a stroll
And two cops on patrol
Claimed they caught him dogging his curbs.

Mike once took a girl on her belly
He told me her backside was smelly
Then she became a dike
And she dumped Mike
Now she's shacked up with some gal named Shelly

There once was a cowboy from El paso
He switched channels with his lasso
But he watched only Fox News
till it gave him the blues
When he realized O'Reilly's an A**hole!

(Oh, I liked that last one!) :)

Raw beef is as bland as a handful of sand
And in France it is commonly held
That all meat ET RAW--
A most fatal faux pas--
Is as wild as WATER misspelled.

In the evolving of feminine breeds
My next-door neighbor succeeds.
For her bountiful boobs
And her peppercorn pubes
And expanses of ass meet my needs.

It seems Mr. Ebert has blest
the Web with an onerous test,
to conspire a rhyme
considered a crime
quite awful, but for the jest.