In August 1979, I took my last drink. It was about four o'clock on a Saturday afternoon, the hot sun streaming through the windows of my little carriage house on Dickens. I put a glass of scotch and soda down on the living room table, went to bed, and pulled the blankets over my head. I couldn't take it any more.
On Monday I went to visit wise old Dr. Jakob Schlichter. I had been seeing him for a year, telling him I thought I might be drinking too much. He agreed, and advised me to go to "A.A.A," which is what he called it. Sounded like a place where they taught you to drink and drive. I said I didn't need to go to any meetings. I would stop drinking on my own. He told me to go ahead and try, and check back with him every month.
The problem with using will power, for me, was that it lasted only until my will persuaded me I could take another drink. At about this time I was reading The Art of Eating, by M. F. K. Fisher, who wrote: "One martini is just right. Two martinis are too many. Three martinis are never enough." The problem with making resolutions is that you're sober when you make the first one, have had a drink when you make the second one, and so on. I've also heard, You take the first drink. The second drink takes itself.That was my problem. I found it difficult, once I started, to stop after one or two. If I could, I would continue until I decided I was finished, which was usually some hours later. The next day I paid the price in hangovers.
I've known two heavy drinkers who claimed they never had hangovers. I didn't believe them. Without hangovers, it is possible that I would still be drinking. Unemployed, unmarried, but still drinking--or, more likely, dead. Most alcoholics continue to drink as long as they can. For many, that means death. Unlike drugs in most cases, alcohol allows you to continue your addiction for what's left of your life, barring an accident. The lucky ones find their bottom, and surrender.
Bill W., co-founder of A.A.
An A.A. meeting usually begins with a recovering alcoholic telling his "drunkalog," the story of his drinking days and how he eventually hit bottom. This blog entry will not be my drunkalog. What's said in the room, stays in the room. You may be wondering, in fact, why I'm violating the A.A. policy of anonymity and outing myself. A.A. is anonymous not because of shame but because of prudence; people who go public with their newly-found sobriety have an alarming tendency to relapse. Case studies: those pathetic celebrities who check into rehab and hold a press conference.In my case, I haven't taken a drink for 30 years, and this is God's truth: Since the first A.A. meeting I attended, I have never wanted to. Since surgery in July of 2006 I have literally not been able to drink at all. Unless I go insane and start pouring booze into my g-tube, I believe I'm reasonably safe. So consider this blog entry what A.A. calls a "12th step," which means sharing the program with others. There's a chance somebody will read this and take the steps toward sobriety.
Yes, I believe A.A. works. It is free and everywhere and has no hierarchy, and no one in charge. It consists of the people gathered in that room at that time, many perhaps unknown to one another. The rooms are arranged by volunteers. I have attended meetings in church basements, school rooms, a court room, a hospital, a jail, banks, beaches, living rooms, the back rooms of restaurants, and on board the Queen Elizabeth II. There's usually coffee. Sometimes someone brings cookies. We sit around, we hear the speaker, and then those who want to comment do. Nobody has to speak. Rules are, you don't interrupt anyone, and you don't look for arguments. As we say, "don't take someone else's inventory."
I know from the comments on an earlier blog that there are some who have problems with Alcoholics Anonymous. They don't like the spiritual side, or they think it's a "cult," or they'll do fine on their own, thank you very much. The last thing I want to do is start an argument about A.A.. Don't go if you don't want to. It's there if you need it. In most cities, there's a meeting starting in an hour fairly close to you. It works for me. That's all I know. I don't want to argue with you about it.What a good doctor, and a good man, Jakob Schlichter was. He was in one of those classic office buildings in the Loop, filled with dentists and jewelers. He was a gifted general practitioner. An appointment lasted an hour. The first half hour was devoted to conversation. He had a thick Physician's Drug Reference on his desk, and liked to pat it. "There are 12 drugs in there," he said, "that we know work for sure. The best one is aspirin."
One day, after a month of sobriety, I went to see him because I feared I had grown too elated, even giddy, with the realization that I need not drink again. "Maybe I'm manic-depressive," I told him. "Maybe I need lithium."
"Alcohol is a depressant," he told me. "When you hold the balloon under the water and suddenly release it, it is eager to pop up quickly." I nodded. "Yes," I said, "but I'm too excited. I wake up too early. I'm in constant motion. I'd give anything just to feel a little bored."
"Lois, will you be so kind as to come in here?" he called to his wife. She appeared, an elegant Jewish mother. "Lois, I want you to open a little can of grapefruit segments for Roger. I know you have a bowl and a spoon." His wife came back with the grapefruit. I ate the segments. He watched me closely. "You still have your appetite," he said. "When you feel restless, take a good walk in the park. Call me if it doesn't work." It worked. I knew walking was a treatment for depression, but I didn't know it also worked for the ups.
Anyway, after I pulled the covers over my head, I stayed in bed until the next day, for some reason sleeping 13 hours. On the Sunday I poured out the rest of the drink which, when I poured it, I had no idea would be my last. I sat around the house not making any vows to myself but somehow just waiting. On the Monday, I went to see Dr. Schlichter. He nodded as if he had been expecting this, and said "I want you to talk to a man at Grant Hospital. They have an excellent program." He picked up his phone and an hour later I was in the man's office.
He asked me some questions (the usual list), said the important thing was that I thought I had a problem, and asked me if I had packed and was ready to move into their rehab program. "Hold on a second," I said. "I didn't come here to check into anything. I just came to talk to you." He said they were strictly in-patient. "I have a job," I said. "I can't leave it." He doubted that, but asked me to meet with one of their counselors.
This woman, I will call her Susan, had an office on Lincoln Avenue in a medical building across the street from Somebody Else's Troubles, which was well known to me. She said few people stayed sober for long without A.A.. I said the meetings didn't fit with my schedule and I didn't know where any were. She looked in a booklet. "Here's one at 401 N. Wabash," she said. "Do you know where that is?" I confessed it was the Chicago Sun-Times building. "They have a meeting on the fourth floor auditorium," she said. It was ten steps from my desk. "There's one today, starting in an hour. Can you be there?"She had me. I was very nervous. I stopped in the men's' room across the hall to splash water on my face, and walked in. Maybe thirty people were seated around a table. I knew one of them. We used to drink together. I sat and listened. The guy next to me got applause when he said he'd been sober for a month. Another guy said five years. I believed the guy next to me.
They gave me the same booklet of meetings Susan had consulted. Two day later I flew to Toronto for the film festival. At least here no one knew me. I looked up A.A. in the phone book and they told me there was an A.A. meeting in a church hall across Bloor Street from my hotel. I went to so many Toronto meetings in the next week that when I returned to Chicago, I considered myself a member.
That was the beginning of a thirty years' adventure. I came to love the program and the friends I was making through meetings, some of whom are close friends to this day. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. What I hadn't expected was that A.A. was virtually theater. As we went around the room with our comments, I was able to see into lives I had never glimpsed before. The Mustard Seed, the lower floor of a two-flat near Rush Street, had meetings from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m., and all-nighters on Christmas and New Years' eves. There I met people from every walk of life, and we all talked easily with one another because we were all there for the same reason, and that cut through the bullshit. One was Humble Howard, who liked to perform a dramatic reading from his driver's license--name, address, age, color of hair and eyes. He explained: "That's because I didn't have an address for five years."
When I mention Humble Howard, you are possibly thinking you wouldn't be caught dead at a meeting where someone read from his driver's license. He had a lot more to say, too, and was as funny as a stand-up comedian. I began to realize that I had tended to avoid some people because of my instant conclusions about who they were and what they would have to say. I discovered that everyone, speaking honestly and openly, had important things to tell me. The program was bottom-line democracy.Yes, I heard some amazing drunkalogs. A Native American who crawled out from under an abandoned car one morning after years on the street, and without premeditation walked up to a cop and asked where he could find an A.A. meeting. And the cop said, "You see those people going in over there?" A 1960s hippie whose VW van broke down on a remote road in Alaska. She started walking down a frozen river bed, thought she herd bells ringing, and sat down to freeze to death. The bells were on a sleigh. The couple on the sleigh (so help me God, this is what she said) took her home with them, and then to an A.A. meeting. A priest who eavesdropped on his first meeting by hiding in the janitor's closet of his own church hall. Lots of people who had come to A.A. after rehab. Lots who just walked in through the door. No one who had been "sent by the judge," because in Chicago, A.A. didn't play that game. "If you don't want to be here, don't come."
Sometimes funny things happened. In those days I was on a 10 p.m. newscast on one of the local stations. The anchor was an A.A. member. So was one of the reporters. After we got off work, we went to the 11 p.m. meeting at the Mustard Seed. There were maybe a dozen others. The chairperson asked if anyone was attending their first meeting. A guy said, "I am. But I should be in a psych ward. I was just watching the news, and right now I'm hallucinating that three of those people are in this room."
I've been to meetings in Cape Town, Venice, Paris, Cannes, Edinburgh, Honolulu and London, where an Oscar-winning actor told his story. In Ireland, where a woman remembered, "Often came the nights I would measure my length in the road." I heard many, many stories from "functioning alcoholics." I guess I was one myself. I worked every day while I was drinking, and my reviews weren't half bad. I've improved since then.There are no dues. You throw in a buck or two if you can spare it, to pay for the rent and the coffee. On the wall there may be posters with the famous 12 Steps and the Promises, of which one has a particular ring for me: "In sobriety, we found we know how to instinctively handle situations that used to baffle us." There were mornings when I was baffled by how I was going to get out of bed and face the day.
I find on YouTube that there are many videos attacking A.A. for being a cult, a religion, or a delusion. There are very few videos promoting A.A., although the program has many. many times more members than critics. A.A. has a saying: "We grow through attraction, not promotion." If you want A.A., it is there. That's how I feel. If you have problems with it, don't come. Is it a "religion?" The first three Steps are,
* Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
* Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.* Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.
The God word. The critics never quote the words "as we understood God." Nobody in A.A. cares how you understand him, and would never tell you how you should understand him. I went to a few meetings of "4A" ("Alcoholics and Agnostics in A.A."), but they spent too much time talking about God. The important thing is not how you define a Higher Power. The important thing is that you don't consider yourself to be your own Higher Power, because your own best thinking found your bottom for you. One sweet lady said her higher power was a radiator in the Mustard Seed, "because when I see it, I know I'm sober."
Sober. A.A. believes there is an enormous difference between bring dry and being sober. It is not enough to simply abstain. You need to heal and repair the damage to yourself and others. We talk about "white-knuckle sobriety," which might mean, "I'm sober as long as I hold onto the arms of this chair." People who are dry but not sober are on a "dry drunk."A "cult?" How can that be, when it's free, nobody profits and nobody is in charge? A.A. is an oral tradition reaching back to that first meeting between Bill W. and Doctor Bob in the lobby of an Akron hotel. They'd tried psychiatry, the church, the Cure. Maybe, they thought, drunks can help each other, and pass it along. A.A. has spread to every continent and into countless languages, and remains essentially invisible. I was dumbfounded to discover there was a meeting all along right down the hall from my desk.
It prides itself on anonymity. There are "open meetings" to which you can bring friends or relatives, but most meetings are closed: "Who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here." By closed, I mean closed. I told Eppie Lederer, who wrote as Ann Landers, that I was now in the program. She said, "I haven't been to one of those meetings in a long time. I want you to take me to one." Her limousine picked me up at home, and we were driven to the Old Town meeting, a closed meeting. I went in first, to ask permission to bring in Ann Landers. I was voted down. I went back to the limo and broke the news to her. "Well I've heard everything!" Eppie said. "Ann Landers can't get into an A.A. meeting!" I knew about an open meeting on LaSalle Street, and I took her there.
Eppie asked, "What do you think about my columns where I print the 20-part quiz to see if you have a drinking problem?" I said her quiz was excellent. I didn't tell her, but at a meeting I heard a two-parter: If you drink when you didn't intend to, and more than you intended to, you, my friend, have just failed this test.
"Everybody's story is the same," Humble Howard liked to say. "We drank too much, we came here, we stopped, and here we are to tell the tale." Before I went to my first meeting, I imagined the drunks would sit around telling drinking stories. Or perhaps they would all be depressing and solemn and holier-than-thou. I found out you rarely get to be an alcoholic by being depressing and solemn and holier-than-thou. These were the same people I drank with, although now they were making more sense.
¶What is the A.A. rate of success?.
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A little 12-part quiz.
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How to find an A.A. meeting.
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Ray Milland in "The Lost Weekend." With an eerie Theremin on the sound track.
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Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick, nominated for Oscars in "Days of Wine and Roses"
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Michael Keaton gets his chip, in "Clean and Sober"
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Mr. Ebert, you may be a "movie critic", but you're also a very good writer / essayist. Thank you for writing about what strikes your fancy. It's appreciated.
Mr. Ebert Days of Wine & Roses definitely gives you alcoholism up close and personal but I always say that the best movie for dissuading me from wanting to take a drink [and get married] is Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
The Lost Weekend and Days of Wine and Roses are two of my favorite films. Milland and Lemmon went all out.
Thanks for sharing this, Roger, and congrats on thirty years of sobriety! In your reviews of Withnail and I and Trees Lounge (to name a few), you wrote so eloquently about alcoholism. Given this post, I understand your connection with the characters. Your review of Withnail and I opens with:
In my drinking days, some of us would gather around noon on Saturdays at Oxford's Pub for what we called Drunch. We would commence with shots of creme de menthe and pint glasses of real Coke, in the hope that a combination of alcohol, sugar and caffeine would restore us. Then we would laugh until the tears ran down our faces about the hilarity of the dreadful things that had happened the night before. In doing this, I would often quote "We laugh, that we may not cry," although just now I have discovered that no one originally said that. I always thought it was Shakespeare. It was me.
As someone who's been sober thirty years, do you ever miss drinking? Your story has hints of nostalgia.
Ebert: I do not miss drinking. Not after what I went through. I do miss the friendship and camaraderie, although I have more than replaced it. I'll write an entry one of these days about O'Rourke's Pub.
I'm a great believer in whatever works. My brother used Rational Recovery (which is critical of AA), but it worked for him.
Oh, yeah, and my favorite (I'm sure you've heard them all) is, "First you take a drink. Then the drink takes a drink. Then the drink takes you."
Roger, congratulations on earning your 30-year coin. I had no idea you were "one of us".
Perhaps you might take some flack for "violating" the 11th tradition, but as the motto says, "To thine own self be true." I certainly appreciate you sharing the moment you choose to put down the drink, and your first steps along the bridge back to life. My moment came 8 and a half years ago, and I've been rewarded with many blessings since.
Roger,
God bless you. I have been sober since August 30, 1976. It's nice to know that the one movies critic I have relied on for over thirty years to review the movies I go to see and those I collect is a fellow traveler in Alcoholics Anonymous.
A wonderful piece. I am more and more amazed at your journey through life. Your writing is inspiring and I have a feeling it will reach someone somewhere.
I am an atheist, and I do not drink,never have really, but my Grandfather was an alcoholic and it led to his premature death at the age of 69. I do not know if he took part in AA but I do know that he eventually became sober. His story in part inspired me to never drink, and I have held to that with only a few exceptions in my life.
I tend to feel about programs like AA that you get out of it what you chose to take from it. If you don't believe in god then you are not going to come out beleiving in it. But... you might just come out a healthier person. Thank you again for your courage in telling your story. Good luck with your continued sobriety.
I recently celebrated 6 years, on August 18. Maybe we have the same "birthday."
I wish I had something wise to say, but I just nodded through this. AA worked--and works--for me. I got sober when I was 26; a baby in most of the rooms. And at first I hated it; I hated being the youngest person there. Most of all, I hated that everyone else got a good 20, 30 years of drinking in, when I hadn't even been drinking for 10. They got to drink for so much longer than I did!
Now I know that my alcoholism progressed so vast, so violently, that, had I kept drinking, I probably would be dead or in jail. I slept with too many people, drove drunk too often. I had just started drinking in the morning to take the edge off my hangover before going to my job as a high school English teacher. Now I'm married, have a baby, and am quietly happy. I never would have quit on my own.
Ebert: A lot of younger members are turning up--some of them not yet of legal drinking age.
Many kudos to you, sir, for kicking your drinking habit. Even more kudos to you for staying strong and not giving in to the temptation. I myself am a drinker, but I don't have a drinking problem.
I only drink to celebrate, when I'm in a happy mood. I avoid alcohol if I'm feeling sad, because I know it'll only go downhill from there.
WOW what an exciting day although I am somewhat concerning about the AA anonymity issue and your post. However there are today so many more anonymity breaks concerning AA and failed celebrities. Celebrity failure on the news networks every day. What a success story you and I am really excited and proud to read your blog no matter my concerns!! I am long time devoted fan and long have suspected there was a source of the deep psychological humanism of your movie reviews. I am sure it come from being sober. Due to your constant diligence writing fantastic review I always wanted to see more movies. I am now able to do that (sometimes 2 a day) and and am writing my own capsule reviews on Netflix and Rotten Tomatoes(ID dfwforeignbuff). (sometimes as much 300 words not much ha ha) I was sober 14 years June 15 2009. It is so fantastic to tell us about your other secret to writing good review--STAY SOBER AND AA WORKS!! Although the image you have of the Bill W obit says AA Canada I sold that obit on ebay a few years ago and that I my original image of the obit and that photo is also on my site. I am proud of saving that image too.!! Thanks for presenting us so much good info about AA here and all the pointers to Movies with Alcoholism and AA as a subject!! A longtime fan
There are many variations. If the "spiritual" stuff bothers any readers, there are humanist organizations that have similar groups under the name "Save Our Selves" (SOS).
My grandfather's on both sides were alcoholics. My father was. My mother was first a cocktail waitress in the era of hot pants a then a bartender in an area of moneyed heavy drinkers -- the more the money the heavier the drinking and the bigger the tips.
No surprise, really, that by the time I was 14 I was a surreptitious drinker at nights and a peer drinker Friday and Saturday nights.
I'm anecdotal evidence of the genetic proclivity toward addiction and perhaps more: genetically disposed to crave the taste.
Of course, Nurture was always nearby enabling Nature. How could my environment not have influenced me.
Mom even gave me the proverbial saturation treatment. Sat me down on the living room floor with a shot glass, a bowl of coarse salt and an unopened bottle of tequila complete with worm at the bottom.
I drank myself to drooling unconsciousness. The next weekend I got drunk on boon farms strawberry wine. Threw up like a sick dog. The next weekend it was Mickey wide mouth beer. You know, whatever I could get a liquor store patron to buy; whatever I could steal when I visited Mom at work; whatever might be around the house.
A convergence of circumstances somehow led me away from my problem. Part of it was a emerging awareness of not liking kissing the toilet or the asphalt, hating headaches at school.
As an adult I tremble in my self knowledge that but for the course correction I made I would be an alcoholic. I have thus spent my life sternly realistic about the steps an alcoholic must choose (AA, in-patient treatment programs, etc. I've witnessed more and more enduring success through AA than cognitive behavioral and forced abstinence programs), yet concurrently knowing and non-judgmental.
I often wondered from whence your prolific output and high intellectual vigor. Were you as driven and as productive pre-August
1979 as you have been since sobriety? Has the controlled mania -- up, up and away in my beautiful alcohol-free balloon -- continued?
Ebert: I have more time and energy for writing now. My mania has calmed way down. The grapefruit did it. I guess.
Could not wait to get away from Nebraska, out to the real world, which included Wash. D.C. (1963) and Vietnam (1965-66). This country bumpkin had to go back to Nebraska to get sober (1970), not way to differently than described here - 39 years ago. Thanks for the article.
I'm glad you included the clip from Clean and Sober, which had such wonderful AA scenes in it. The best analogy I ever heard about will power is that it's like holding your breath under water. You take a huge gulp of air and dive under, you sit there comfortably for the first while. Then the urge to take another breath begins to build and build until you can't stand another second, you must breath again or die. That's addiction.
I remember when the "Oscar-winning actor" was outed during an interview by a blissfully ignorant reporter (who later wondered what the big deal was), he rebuked this reporter quite severely on camera and I was happy to see him do it. Anyway, he's never spoken about it in public as far as I know, but you could tell by his demeanor that he had great respect for AA. I think most of us do, instinctually.
I think the fact that it is voluntary in every respect is what makes it such a success. You are simply faced with a free choice, you cannot later say that you were forced to be there, and therefore give yourself permission to rebel against that coercion. There is nothing to rebel against. No dogma, no structure, no hierarchy. The only thing you are confronted with is yourself.
I'm coming up on 5 years myself, thanks for sharing this.
Roger,
I'm in my mid twenties, and I've been reading you reviews for about 10 years or so, though I rarely go to the movies or even watch DVDs. When you began your blog, I started reading that too. I just want to say, your entries make me really happy. Thanks.
Congratulations, Roger. When I went into AA, at first I had to understand "a power greater than myself" to be the power of the AA community, for it is indeed greater than my lone self and was the main thing that helped me through. That would be my suggestion to people who have trouble with a metaphysical understanding of Step 2. Keep coming back!!
If you haven't taken a drink in 30 years and you haven't wanted to take a drink in 30 years...then are you an alcoholic? This is what I can't understand. I've heard some call people that only drink on New Years Eve "alcoholics". What is the definition? Is anyone that's ever had a drink an "alcoholic"?
I picture the person over the last 30 years struggling with wanting to have a drink, but not giving in. If you don't even desire it, then where's the addiction? I always figured desire and addiction go hand-in-hand.
Ebert: People that only drink on New Years Eve are no alcoholics. I found that A.A. removed the desire to drink. Before that, I struggled with wanting a drink.
The definition might be deduced from those 12 questions at the bottom of my entry.
I was completely unaware that there were critics of A.A. I always took the "as you understand" bit to mean "if you don't understand God to exist, fine." As you say, it's not about the diety, but the illness. Typical that the big subject in a room full of agnostics is God. Gather two of us together for any length of time, and that's where the conversation goes.
I'm very pleased with this post--many of us will never wind up knowing what one of these meetings are like. My only basis for comparison was Weight Watchers, and I very much doubt the stories that come out there are as personal as the ones told in A.A., which I now imagine has all the potential of a great Studs Terkel interview with the tape recorder turned off.
Congratulations on pulling through.
Ebert: Studs would have loved the meetings. He loved a martini, but I never saw him appear to be drunk, or even tipsy.
These were the same people I drank with, although now they were making more sense.
I'm reminded of the painting "Nighthawks" after reading this entry, nix the alcohol of course. It's interesting to see how with one common objective, it becomes that much easier to really understand people we'd otherwise judge and criticize without another second's thought. With any addiction, the feeling of dependency, helplessness, and loneliness is the epitome of a deep, unfeeling hole that seems to be a never-ending tunnel leading to only two ends: death or self-reflection.
I'm also reminded of Sofia Coppola's "Lost in Translation": two people, complete utter strangers, connect because they are both alone and lost in a city that is beyond their cultural norm; two people who, arguably, would have nothing to do with one another back home, unite because they especially need each other in a country that accepts them as foreigners and nothing more. Such is the beauty of human nature, even as fickle as it can be.
He had a thick Physician's Drug Reference on his desk, and liked to pat it. "There are 12 drugs in there," he said, "that we know work for sure. The best one is aspirin."
All too true, and all the more hilarious. My Physiology professor chuckled about how researchers don't know the full extent of effects for about half the drugs out there on the market.
We laughed, and then he mentioned how Viagra came about. Funny thing, science is.
You made me cry a little bit, Roger. My time is coming I guess.
But I tried quitting drinking a few years ago and it was like my wife died. I found myself grieving a horrible loss.
Alcohol has been my one true love in life; she elates me. She makes me proud and happy to be alive. We have been together for over two decades together, and I weep at the thought of leaving her.
When I'm not vomiting, of course.
I just don't have much to say other than that. I'm not sure I'm man enough to leave the one true love of my life, even if she kills me. Hell, I guess I don't know.
Ebert: Booze is always there for you, doesn't argue, doesn't criticize, and with a hangover it is the cure. A.A. works the same way.
Thank you Roger for posting this.
I have shown up to countless AA meetings to bring snacks and make good coffee, then leave before the actual meeting started because I was too terrified that it would lead me on a path to real sobriety.
I'll reconsider.
I celebrated 40 years clean and sober on March 15. The whole thing has been the grace of God for me since given my own thinking (whihc got me to AA) I would have drowned in booze. Congratulations on your AA b'day.
I have film to thank for making me too scared to try drinking or smoking to excess.
Nowadays I do drink in moderation, but the 'Pleasure Island' scene in Pinocchio scared the hell out of me when I was young!
Is't it funny how people always attack things they do not understand?
I myself don't quite understand it, not being an alcoholic and never attending a meeting, but I don't understand why some people can knock this program that has helped so many.
If it is good enough for Roger Ebert, one of the day's best writers and social commentators, it is good enough for me.
Bravo Roger, for your sobriety, your "enlightenment", your demonstration of the 12th step, and your always wonderful writing.
Thanks for posting this, Roger. I grew up around a number of people (being vague here on purpose, I'm sure you understand) who chose AA as a path to sobriety. In the face of all the crap that we all face throughout our lives, it amazes me that they have been able to avoid the temptation to slide back into oblivion. There must be something to this whole thing, I figure. Congratulations, and thanks. Who knows - without your courage and determination, we all might have been deprived of hundreds of thousands of your thought-provoking words.
What a great demonstration of your love of humanity by posting this. Years back, I read David Foster Wallace's _Infinite Jest_ and found myself wanting the kind of community described in his depictions of AA meetings. I was telling friends I'm not sure if the tipping point towards me petitioning to join a Masonic Lodge was to get some semblance of that community. The knowledge that you are not alone, that regardless of your Higher Power, a definite higher power is folks banding together to get through something together, and to help others though being present. Your piece eloquently speaks for AA and for the good of human interconnectedness when facing a shared problem/working towards a shared goal.
Good for you Roger! I think I could have been heading down the same road but about 7 years ago, I was able to stop drinking cold turkey.
If I have one beer in six months now, that's a lot.
If I hadn't been able to stop on my own, I believe I would have found support I needed at AA or some similar organization.
Mr. Ebert, as a fan of yours for as long as I've loved film, I get the sense that this post has been a long time coming. There've been subtle hints in many of your reviews, but this post lays the issue to rest. And, thinking back on all your blog entries, it seems like you're trying to get everything out, saying what you feel needs to be said before you go. I very much hope I'm wrong.
Ebert: I don't expect to go anytime soon, but other than that, you're right.
I'm glad you wrote this, and I hope that some people see it that can be helped by it. And I say that as someone who's never taken a drink in his life.
The problem is, my brother did (http://pipeline.corante.com/archives/2005/04/05/in_memoriam.php). He started in high school and never really stopped. He tried to quit, but by that time he had been in bad shape for years, and in the end, he didn't make it. Cleaning out his house after he died is, I can only hope, going to stay very high on my list of worst experiences.
It's always good to hear of people who are beating it. Here's hoping that others will be motivated to do something before it's too late.
(Oh, and as a drug company scientist, I can confirm that there are a *lot* of things about known drugs that we don't understand - particularly the ones for depression and other CNS disorders).
Roger,
You've commented publicly on the movies for more than 40 years, but you really have found your "voice" [pun soberly noted!] with this "blog." I find it quite moving, with abundant sincerity and eloquence.
You're pouring your emotion (and a lifetime of memories) into it, sir, and producing the best work of your life. Kudos. : )
When I first saw the title of the entry I thought that it was just one of those witty titles of yours and you didn't mean it literally. I suppose I always thought you are a person that has everything in his life in order as if that means something. I know better than that. It's just that my mother is an alcoholic (sober for 11 years) and she is what I think they call "a free spirit". She wanted to live her youth diferently than what society and family wanted her to.
Truth is, I have met a lot of alcoholics and a lot of them seem as people that wouldn't drink even socially. You know, what we call "nice kids". Serious lawyers, architects and apparently Pulitzer winners.
I have great respect for alcoholics that have become sober. I think they have learned how to understand their limits, how to be the best they can within these limits. They have come to understand their weaknesses and those of others. Of course they make mistakes all the time just like eveyone else. The difference is that they don't just say "hey that's just me, I'll accept it". They will say that only if they really believe they can't change it.
I have to say I was really moved by your article and I hope it will help people. Alcoholics to try to get better and non alcoholics to understand.
Your story is among the best I've read about Alcoholics Anonymous and its impact on our lives. I celebrated 38 years of sobriety in February. And like you, I have broken my anonymity. A recently published memoir tells the story ofP my journey from a curbside on skid row in New Orleans to award-winning reporter and my ten year tenure as Senior Investigative Correspondent for CNN's Special Assignment Unit. My success in collecting multiples of every major broadcast journalism award, including four Peabody medallions,is intertwined with the principles I learned in the fellowship -- foremost being the principle of self-honesty we begin developing from the day we first walk through the doors with "a desire to stop drinking." I am a hard-nose when it comes to AA Traditions, but there are times when it is necessary to publicly share our stories and success in order to help the still-suffering alcoholic/addict who has not found AA. Thirty-eight years gives me confidence that that the breach will not result in AA police repossessing my chips. Congratulations again on a superb article.
Hi Roger,
Thank you for yet another wonderful entry.
Have you by any chance read David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest? AA figures strongly in the novel and is the subject of some very moving passages therein.
Roger, thanks so much. I've been reading you for years, and certain turns of phrase led me suspect you were in the program, too. Or at least otherwise initmately familiar with it. I agree with your approach re: the 11th tradition. Such a great opportunity to pay it forward, and a story lucidly told, as always. Congratulations and thanks.
As always, Roger, a thoughtful, honest entry.
While I am not myself an alcoholic, it is in my family history, and so it does not seem so unlikely that I may someday have to sit down and find myself one of these meetings. As a retired Christian, (read: agnostic) I understand how steps 2 and 3 could make A.A. seem inaccessible to people like me. How can we make the decision to give our will over to God if we do not accept that there is a God? I would not consider this to be an issue of one religion versus another, but rather of any religion versus none at all. This, I think, is where the critiques of A.A. come from - a cult is not simply a body which has leadership and takes money. It is simply a group of people who believe the same thing, and which is, perhaps, inaccessible to those who do not believe in this thing. At first glance, it very much puts the nonreligious on the outside.
This is why your sentence about the radiator at the Mustard Seed was, to me, the most critical point in this entry - the one that you should spread, if you spread any of it past this blog. There will always be atheists and agnostics so dedicated to being atheists and agnostics that the mention of considering something - anything - to be a "higher power" will work them into a holier-than-thou lather. ("Did you know that radiators were responsible for the Crusades? Millions died!") But to make a place like A.A. accessible to a person like me, I think it's important to qualify your higher power as something which is, in the end, whatever keeps you on the right track. For those of us who are not too proud to put ourselves in the hands of, at the very least, a proven process like A.A., maybe that's the key.
I wish I could have met that sweet lady.
I’ve been reading your reviews for years and have just recently discovered your blog, I am enjoying each posting. In particular, thanks so much for sharing this story, it is very inspiring.
Congratulations, Mr. Ebert on 30 years. As it happens, I am reading this week Malcolm Lowry's Under the Volcano. It is a novel set in the waning days of the Spanish Civil War and before the advent of WWII. It's basically a day in the life of a pretty strong alcoholic. I don't know whether Lowry was a drinker, and I have never touched the stuff, but the passages about the need to drink sound right. The main character describes his "familiars"-voices in his head that urge him to imbibe and how he can't shake them. Have you read it and if so is it authentic to the drunk's experience?
Ebert: Oh, Lowry was a drunk, all right. I've read the novel, a great work. I assume it reflects some of his own experience.
Roger,
Talk about coincidences, yesterday I read your chapter in "Great Chicago Stories" where you mentioned starting at the Sun-Times and beginning to drink like a "real newspaperman", going with Mike Royko to a bar and talking sports. As I read it, I was struck by the fact you wrote openly about drinking. Though the story was written in 1994, I was afriad that just writing about it would give you the urge to start again, relive those early days.
I certainly remember those times, long ago, at O'Rourkes. Sometimes we find ourselves heading down the wrong path or alley. If we're lucky we can retrace our steps and chose a better path, a road that can lead to meaning and purpose for your life. I know you went fairly far down that first path. I am, as you probably know, deliriously happy that you found the way, with the help of many, to your current location of crystal clear vision and insight.
Please excuse the overheated analogies.
Chuck Kuenneth
That was very well said, Roger. I've struggled with my own demons in my life. They have nothing to do with alcohol. When I look at them from an outside perspective my problems don't seem so bad at all - in fact they sound trivial. But that's part of the problem isn't it? You lose perspective. And then you get some perspective and you see that things weren't as big as you thought. And that can make you feel guilty/stupid/angry that you blew things out of proprtion. And that guilt etc. fuels you to do it again.
I'm glad you shared this, Roger.
It's unfortunate that those people with "silent" addictions cannot reach out and receive the therapeutic, necessary communication and catharsis that is so demonstrable in Alcoholics Anonymous. Those silent addictions that are equally as dangerous, but have no alarm bells and take shape to become a cumulative monster with no indicators that bodily harm is occurring. No headaches, no hangovers, no passouts. It's a shame that the body doesn't react in revulsions to nicotine as it does alcohol.
Smoking, food addiction, porn addiction, gambler's addiction all require that same awareness, symbiosis, human relateness that is inherent in AA. Try finding a smoker's anonymous.
Roger, this was a brilliant, well-thought piece. I dislike using the term "agnostic" or "atheist" because it seems to me to be a very limited game to play. "This" or "that" sort of thing. The point is, whomever came up with the "God as we understood God" part was wise. Anyone who calls AA a religion or cult movement really doesn't get it.
Keep up the great work!
All the best,
Sean
Tradition 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need ALWAYS maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.
Thanks for this! It's well-thought-out explanation of AA that does a great service to the program. I just celebrated 5 years a few weeks ago, after trying to stop on my own for 5 years.
Oh, god, I thought, I have been sober as long as Roger Ebert. Oh well, maybe a few months more. I'm not going to read that. And yeah, what about the anonymity thing? These people.
But so glad I read it.
The greatest positive review you've ever written, fair and balanced. It will help thousands...and it helped me today.
Is it ever difficult to watch movies that show a lot of drinking? You said that, since your first AA meeting, you've never really wanted to drink, and I doubt seeing James Bond chug a martini would do much to change that. But it must at least prompt you to think about the issue.
Thank-you so much Roger. I think this blog post is the most important step of your continuing recovery. I has a spouse who couldn't stand the meetings - I wish she had been able to read an account like this.
I had my latest beer and mandatory hangover (more cumpulsion than choice) a few days ago and the second last of my estimated 325,000 cigarettes(25 cigarettes a day for 25 years) on August 17 ,1992, 16 years ago.I still find it pleasant to partake secondary aroma when the situation arises. I tried for many years and "stopped" several times till on the fated day it just somehow happened and a nightmare of sorts of dependancy ended finally. Now I find my tea-o-holism also on a wither but that's mainly because a just-right-for-you cuppa hard to encounter and that's an area I find hard to compromise. It's harder to complain about the taste of water. On rare occasions becoming rarer I miss the weed but then you can't take it with you, so better remain quitted. I feel a certain envy not your alcoholism but the drama of AA nicely sketched in the above.
I admire you when you say you haven't had the desire to drink in 30 years. That takes an enormous amount of strength. I consider myself mainly a beer drinker, which is nothing compared to a "real" drink (though I'm talking Canadian beer here), and even I can get overcome with desire if I go too long without one. And, let's be honest, when I say "one" I really mean ten. Who has one drink and stops? A stronger person than me, that's for sure. In fact, not to make light of a serious subject, but I am really dying for a beer right now.
Bravo, Roger! What a moving piece.
I am not an alcoholic, but I am a mental health counselor who has worked with people who have struggled with addictions.
As part of my training I took a class that required me to attended two AA meetings.
What I discovered were people of deep sincerity and humility. I met people who had been to Hell and back, and who were more than happy to tell you their tale. Some of the elder members had a humanity and peacefulness about them that I imagine resulted from their noble confrontations with their addictions and personal suffering. The best way to describe them would be "soulful." I imagine they would make great healers.
I believe that, if addressed consciously and with the right attitude, suffering is the royal road to compassion, empathy, and soul. Like I mentioned, I am not in AA, but it seems as if the 12 steps are nothing less than the instructions for how to make an alchemical transformation; to take the "lead" of the addiction and transform it into the "gold" of self-actualization.
Reading your article, I had the same feeling I had when talking to those people at the AA meetings. I have been an avid reader of yours for years now, and always thought of you as being deeply thoughtful, open, and...soulful. Now maybe I know a big reason why.
I am thinking of your insight that film is the greatest art form for creating an experience of empathy. I wonder if your experiences with your own suffering in addiction and your healing in AA has deepened your own ability to empathize with others, as well as the characters on the screen.
Thanks again for such a beautiful post.
Roger,
Breaking your anonymity breaks AA's 12 tradition. Reread it. Nowhere in the tradition does it provide exceptions. Even for those with over 30 years. Now that it is broken you cannot unbreak it. AA is a program of attraction not promotion and did not need you to recruit new members. Breaking anonymity is an ego feeding proposition, in effect you are saying look at me, I'm sober. Did it occur to you that there may be alcoholics who find your persona pompous and insufferable? Now they will associate AA with you and have another reason to postpone going to a meeting. AA's green card says that the greatest reward is to do a good deed in secret and have it discovered by accident. After all those years you ought to have read the 12th tradition and if you didn't understand it you should have got someone to explain it to you.
Anonymous
Here's how I heard it (using beer instead of wine), I think in a book of essays by Rumi: First the man drinks a beer. Then the beer drinks another beer. Then the beer drinks the man.
Thanks for sharing your story, Roger. One way of quitting drinks, drugs, etc. is to get involved in physical fitness, like jogging, or anything that gets your heart moving fast. Exercise releases endorphins in your brain that creates a sensation similar to the feeling of being drunk or high. Once you get into a routine of exercise, you don't want to get high or drunk as much, since it slows you down, and you notice how the after-effects make the exercise less enjoyable.
Roger, you put more eloquently what I have said and thought about the program for all of my 24-hours of grateful recovery. Thanks for the 12th step. God (of your understanding) bless.
Thank you for the insight into A.A. and congratulations on reaching 30 years.
During holidays and summers while in college I worked part-time as an orderly on an alcoholic ward. I witnessed a lot of change in the behaviors as patients were admitted and underwent a month of treatment. The anguished expressions of families bringing in loved ones for help, reeled me into feeling things I never experienced--sometimes happiness when they made it and sometimes tears when I saw them return and their families again. I didn't do much for them except listen and learn, but I feel fortunate to have seen the human spirit succeed and fail with so much at stake.
I am so thankful that A.A. is so pervasive in such a subtle way.
Have a good one!
I corresponded for several years with a man named Sheldon Smith of La Crescenta, CA, who said he was one of the developers of the 12 Step program. Shel would have to be around 90 if he's still going. The letters were largely our respective ramblings about reality, and of course the subject of cults came up. Of course you're right, Roger. Not only are rain gauges a fascinating subject for me, so are cults. Google "Strong City" if you want a look at a cult currently in progress.
I blew my conversational wad about alcoholism on that other blog. None in my immediate family, but was surrounded with it in a little town in upstate NY, not far from where the WCTU was founded in 1865 -- in justifiable alarm, I'm sure. I consider myself blessed not to have had to deal directly with alcoholics until age 49 or so. Good lord what pains in the asses. They were worse than dealing with bad LSD trips among my friends in college.
This is a great essay, Roger, but it's incomplete and I'm not sure replying in a posting would be the place to do it, if you're willing. If you are, would you mind giving us a little history of how you'd come to this dependency? I do know that's part of the AA therapy.
A quick reply to Scott Gant that could easily be longer: "If you don't even desire it, then where's the addiction?" The biggest misconception about alcoholism is that it's all related to desire. It is in fact a disease. Thankfully, it's a manageable disease, and that's where desire comes in -- a desire to get better. But desire alone does not make one sober. Likewise, removal of desire doesn't end addiction. Because alcoholism is a disease it means that someone can be a recovering addict for 50 years but cannot go back to casual drinking, as the effect of the drink will, more or less, be the same as it was 50 years before. Alas, too many addicts know this too well.
Second, to Roger: As someone who has watched the person I have loved more than anyone struggle with addiction, I thank you for writing honestly about your experience. She, too, was critical of AA and the "God part." But that was addiction speaking. Addiction will do whatever it can to preserve itself, including creating obstacles to recovery. Anyone who has read your blog in recent months and come to understand your feelings about religion should know that it's the belief in the higher power beyond yourself, not in God, that's at the root of the AA program. I encourage anyone who has avoided AA meetings because of the "God part" to give it a chance, or another chance. Being sober doesn't require going to church on Sundays.
I did not know you had a phase of your life in which you struggled with alcohol. This was a very interesting recollection. In any case, I'm glad AA worked out well for you, regardless of what anyone else says about the program.
When it comes to alcohol, I have been something of a goody-two-shoes. Just about every person in my peer group I've met had been drunk at least once or twice before they were legal drinking age; I did not have my first, full actual drink until the night marking my 21st year of existence. Part of that is that I didn't want to face the repercussions from my parents if they ever found out that I drank underage. Another part is that I just didn't go out of my way to go to parties or events where people would be minors in the presence of alcohol (outside of regulated family gatherings where it would not have been permissable to begin with.) OK, sure, my relatives would allow me an occasional sip of wine or beer when I was a teenager. But I never had an actual drink until I reached age.
Of course, on that first night, I went all out. I got ceiling-under-the-floor drunk. I wanted to experience it for the first time, consequences be darned. I liked the feeling, actually--at least, while being in the midst of the inebriation. It's possible certain aspects of personality are exaggerated in people when they are drunk--some might frequently become aggressive, others silly--and I was just very happy and jolly. It wasn't unpleasant in the least. The next morning, I did have a little bit of a headache, but it wasn't the full degree of hangover that I was expecting might have happened. I was just lucky that time.
I didn't take things too far. I didn't get drunk every weekend after that; just a few occasions here and there. Nevertheless, finally the night came where I did get drunk and was finally greeted to a proper hangover. That morning was absolute torture. It was a most unholy combination of a migrane, of a sour stomach, of spats of vomiting. My pain tolerance is notorioiusly low (I'm a cry baby, what can I say) so that experience was enough to stop me from ever repeating it. I have not had a hangover since, because I have not drank like that since. No doubt alcoholics have experienced the same hangovers, but somehow they adhere to their addiction. I wouldn't be so smug to say that it was willpower to give up drinking. For me, it was just plain the desire of avoiding pain. And for that matter, I found being in the depths of the inebriation on the night of drinking, even before the morning of suffering, was often uncomfortable. I would lie down on the couch while in the middle of it, and the sensation of the room spinning around me was not a good one.
But, actually, I didn't quit drinking. I gave up *heavy* drinking. I still drink socially--meaning, one or two beers on a given night, and that's it. I don't drink any forms of hard liquor at all. I'm not a fan of wine or champagne. But beer I still love, and I am something of an aspiring connoisseur. There's a culture of that for beer just as much as there is a massive culture of it for wine. So I suppose I was well on my path to alcoholism, but was able to draw the line to instead be a responsible, regulated drinker. Everything in moderation, as they say.
I wonder what other interesting a enlightening stuff about yourself you have hidden from your faithful readers. I think Bill W. looks a bit like Max Von Sydow. Maybe they could make a movie about him. And also, I finally get why you loved Leaving Las Vegas so much, I mean besides being great film. Great post, Roger.
Thanks Roger. And congratulations.
I just got my 9 month chip a couple of days ago. It's working for me. Gotta go. Headed to a meeting :)
Reply to: * Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. The important thing is that you don't consider yourself to be your own Higher Power, because your own best thinking found your bottom for you.
Responding only to the small part I've posted above, I disagree with this strongly.
Being told to turn your lives over to the care of God... depends totally on whether there's a supernatural intelligence that WANTS you to have a better or happier life.
If no such power exists, then you're not making difficult decisions about questions in your life that demand difficullt answers.
Many people never develop Good Judgment. Many people assume "God will provide." It just doesn't work that way. Let's talk about movies for a second. It takes months and even years to develop a script. Yet children are told "Don't talk nonsense" and their own parents may make fun of them when they try to develop the creative "voice" that would allow them to tell a great story.
You've got to make an effort to find "The Correct Answer." Not simply "The Answer That Works."
Reply to: It was the best thing that ever happened to me. A.A. (meetings were) virtually theater. As we went around the room with our comments, I was able to see into lives I had never glimpsed before.
You found a place where you could observe insights into other human lives. Congratulations. By some random process, you found an alternative to movies and books and meeting your friends down at the local pub that worked for you.
Reply to: * Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
* Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
But the bottom line is, the only "power greater than ourselves" is Brain Chemistry.
You don't realize that your brain can force, or trick, or compel you to take a course of action.
I can remember times when I'm thinking about a certain place, and the next day, I find an excuse to drive there. And not remember why until I'm almost to the front door.
My brain... is fooling me. Tricking me.
The most obvious example is on display in the movie "Titanic." After years of unhappiness, Rose finds a man who 'turns her world around." She gets out of a lifeboat to be with him. Her brain is telling her, "I'm going to make you happier than you've ever been, but if you're not with him, I'm going to make you more miserable than you've ever been." And Rose doesn't realize that her brain is calling the shots. She thinks it's "love."
When Celine Dion sings, "I believe the heart does live on," she means the Memory of a loved one can release the same happy chemicals as being with him, even after he's dead.
An AA meeting has a lot of hand-holding, to help you ignore the messages your brain is sending out. Your brain wants you to take another drink. Understand that the decision-making process is NOT trying to help you in life. Don't rely on some Imaginary Higher Power that can make decisions for you. That way, you'll only wind up avoiding the difficult decisions that could help you.
But going to the "Confession theater" of AA meetings sounds irresistable. Because you learn more about how real human beings think than you see in most movies.
I was just reading a memoir by a woman who had a friendship with Bernie Madoff over 20 years. She was married. She and her husband took out a mortgage on their home and invested the proceeds with Madoff. There was one clear warning. Madoff refused to answer any questions about his investment, saying "I don't have time to answer everybody's questions." If you rely on a Higher Power, or God, or having Bernie Madoff for a close friend, you're going to lose everything. Eventually. A huge lesson in life, even greater than AA meetings, would be realizing that the Pope and Bernie Madoff refuse to answer the same questions.
I congratulate you on your sobriety. I have about 1/2 of your sobriety time at 16 and 1/2 years but question your decision to break AA's tradition of anonymity at the level of press, radio and film. Please let people know that you are not drunk proof and if for any reason you did go back to drink,that the fault would be yours and not AA's.
Ebert: I second that. It works if you work it.
Thanks for sharing.
My grandfather and uncle were alcoholics, and I recall the turmoil that it brings to families. Lucky for me I can't stand the taste of any alcoholic beverage, though Coca-Cola sings to me like a Syren.
I can't believe that people actually talk smack about A.A., that amazes me. I know some people won't rest until the word 'God' is rid from our language, but considering A.A. a cult is just plain looney. Like you say, it's help that's there if you need it, who can have an issue with that? Some people are so perfect that it's easy to pick on those of us with vices. Must be nice.
Well congratulations on being sober for thirty years. My only issue is making someone say they are an alcoholic so long after they've stopped drinking. At some point can't you say you 'used to be an alcoholic'? If I had a complaint about any of it, I'd complain about that!
Is there anybody out there who's got a hangover RIGHT NOW? You might want to heed Agent Dale Cooper's advice:
Cooper: "Surefire cure for a hangover. You take a glass of nearly frozen unstrained tomato juice, you plop a couple of oysters in there and drink it down. Breathe deeply. Next you take a mound- and I mean a mound- of sweetbreads. Saute 'em with some chestnuts and Canadian bacon. Finally, biscuits- big biscuits smothered in gravy. Now this is where it gets tricky, you're gonna needs some anchovies..."
(RUSH TO THE NEAREST RESTROOM!)
Cooper: "That should do it."
Wallace's "Infinite Jest" expounds at length the usefulness and efficacy of AA beautifully, and is a work of genius in itself, so after your next meeting in some library's basement...
30 years of sobriety is wonderful.I will have 5years in october.AA saved my life.I love the comments people are giving reading them feels like I am in a meeting.
Thank you for the article. I especially enjoy your sharing without making judgements. There are AA members who do that--I believe you just have to find a meeting that works for you.
I started sneaking booze at age 13. I believe I was genetically pre-disposed to alcoholism (2 grandparents, both parents, and an aunt all alcoholics), but being sexually abused by my minister step-father certainly pushed me along my alcoholic way. I got to see my father sober up before he died. My mother, on the other hand, literally pickled her brain before she died. (For those of you that think alcoholics only die of accidents or sclerosis of the liver, think again.) I lost jobs and friends because of my drinking. I dropped out of college and stayed in a very bad and abusive marriage and just hid in my bottle and slept around to make up for the loveless marriage. Finally, I had enough. Someone told me they loved me, but they hated my drinking, and I had better "get out and get some help, or just get out". The words came right when I was ready to hear them. I had tried getting sober before, but I wasn't really ready to follow through.
I am now coming up on 10 years of sobriety in November. I have a good job and would like to go back to school. I am divorced from my abusive husband, and my abusive step-father is dead. I just bought my very own house! I have so many friends and family who love me to pieces, and always seem happy to hear from me. Years ago people probably cringed every time they heard my drunken voice on the phone. These days, people can't seem to get enough of me (I still reel with amazement at this!). I have AA to thank for a beautiful life!
Wow, I had no idea this was part of your life. When I read in your last blog that you hadn't had a drink in 30 years, I figured it was just because you didn't want to.
After my best friend took her life without warning, I started drinking. It was my sophomore year of college, so I used that fact that I was in college as an excuse. Same with the marijuana, and the adderall, and the Oxycontin. I went to a therapist, which helped tremendously, but I was still self-medicating. He told me about Survivors of Suicide meetings, which provided me with some major breakthroughs. Sounds similar in the fact that it was just people, talking, being honest. Not having to explain yourself, because they know.
I was long out of college, but I stopped drinking, and quit the other drugs because I fell in love. I still worry though, what would happen if our relationship were to end.
Thanks for the inspiring words.
You make me want to become an alcoholic so that I can attend AA meetings and meet all of these interesting people!
"'Everybody's story is the same,' Humble Howard liked to say. 'We drank too much, we came here, we stopped, and here we are to tell the tale.'"
I used to say this to people who didn't believe they were. I generally said - I can't say if you are or not. I, personally, didn't drink as much as a lot of people here, but I drank more than I wanted to. My story is simple - I drank, I drank too much, when I tried to quit on my own, I couldn't until I found this group.
I've pointed out the same things you do here when asked if it is a cult.
One should recognize that cultists have used AA as a model, but the main difference is that AA doesn't require anything of its members.
I wish my husband would see this. His father died of alcoholism and it bugs him. Yet, the way my husband drinks, little does he know he too is an alcoholic. He's functioning, doesn't drink a whole bottle of Jack, he likes the taste of it---you hear the excuses of how he isn't like his father.
Yet between that and the weed, I fear for the inheritance of the disease. We have the most precious, amazing, and wonderful little boy and every day I hope, pray, and guide him so he doesn't follow the same path as his father and grandfather. It scares me.
After thirty some years of sobriety I almost convinced myself that I could now have a little wine with dinner.
Your article just reminded me that miracles do happen especially when you least expect it and I thank you so very much.
I just happened to go to your web site to see what new releases are out.
Drink is a cunning adversary even after thirty years.
Mr. Ebert, it sounds like AA is great, but you are really, really missing the boat on one key issue.
I am a dyed in the wool atheist. I do not believe in anything remotely concerning a higher power, and I find the concept of submissions to a bogey man impossible to swallow. Hitchens and Dawkins are on my bedside table. How can there possible be a place for me at an organization like AA?
Ebert: They're on my bedside table too--symbolically, anyway.
I do not believe in God. I did not submit to a bogey man. But my own best efforts always ended in drinking. I needed to learn from those who had my problems, or sometimes much worse, and were staying sober. For me, the meetings accomplished for me what I could not do on my own. At any meeting, I welcome and applaud whatever Higher Power works for any other member. I value their sobriety. If they disagree with me on theological matters, that is truly insignificant.
I wish my husband would see this. His father died of alcoholism and it bugs him. Yet, the way my husband drinks, little does he know he too is an alcoholic. He's functioning, doesn't drink a whole bottle of Jack, he likes the taste of it---you hear the excuses of how he isn't like his father.
Yet between that and the weed, I fear for the inheritance of the disease. We have the most precious, amazing, and wonderful little boy and every day I hope, pray, and guide him so he doesn't follow the same path as his father and grandfather. It scares me.
Mr. Ebert, I used to think A.A. was a dangerous cult akin to Scientology. You've convinced me otherwise. Thank you for writing this.
-- Brian Boyko
I find it odd that people that abuse and become addicted to alochol see themselves so differently from those that abuse and/or are addicted to other substances. Have you ever heard of an ex-smoker going to meetings for 30 years and continuing to consider themselves to be in 'recovery'? There are some addictions which people suffer from and generally have a defeatist attitude but they focus on an intrinsic quality (e.g. sexual addiction) instead an acquired one. How many other addictions are there where you can say 'I haven't > in .' and someone gives them a gold star and people are expected to congratulate them like they are a grade schooler?
Roger:
This was a great read. I had no idea that you were a member of A.A., but I guess that's one of the points of A.A. My father, late in life, joined A.A. It helped him quit, but by then the damage had been done. He lived to almost 77, but without drinking, I am sure he would be alive today, three years later.
One thing I've always wondered about A.A. is whether those who have been sober as long as you have--whether you still feel the need to go to meetings. Do you still have urges to consume alcohol (even with your physical limitations) or are those all behind you, and you attend meetings simply for the comfort of it? Did you ever fear that your attendance would be publicized by another member given your notariety?
Roger,
Congratulations on staying sober.
In your review of AA you mentioned that "The last thing I want to do is start an argument about A.A.". Yet at several points later in the article, it initiates a defense of AA against what are known to be criticisms of the program.
I thought that as a reviewer you might use your skills to present a fair and balanced view. The article was akin to saying you love a particular movie, there is nothing wrong with this movie, the good points overwhelm any deficiencies, and you don't want to hear anything to the contrary. Hmmm.... I always found your reviews to be much more balanced.
It is OK... perhaps AA does have a grip on you. Glad you found God through AA, but it is a religion with may problems and it harms many individuals. The 12th step is about "helping others", not just taking the one sided view of AA. That is one of the problems; that AA members will defend the program "uber alles" including ignoring the harm it causes to some people.
Thanks again for taking the bold step to publish your experiences and some views on AA. The more that 12-step programs come out of hiding, and our society understands them more, the better it is for everyone.
Roger thank you so much for sharing this. My fiancee started AA this summer. For him it is still a struggle, so it goes without saying that for me it is still a struggle.
Thank you.
I liked his story. Someone should have told him our steps are only suggested. AA says "AA is not a religious organization. There is no Dogma. The one theological proposition is a power greater than oneself. Even this concept is forced on no one." I think there is a lot of cult like things going on in AA, and I do not like it.
But as far as my staying away, that is not your decision to make, or to try to force on me.
I have been coming to AA for almost thirty years, and arguing with everyone. If we do not want people to think we are a cult we should not talk and act like it is a cult. Stay sober somehow.
Bright Blessings to you. Thank you for sharing your story... without drama, just a truthful heart.
my dry date = 8/31/2004
- One day at a time
Good stuff Roger. It's really baffling how anyone could look down on organizations like AA. I'd add the phrase that's always stuck out to me: "The only requirement for being part of alcoholics anonymous is a desire to stop drinking."
As to the personal anonymity question, I don't see how you "coming out" as an alcoholic in any way could hurt AA. This gives people like me a reminder that great things can be done despite my shortcomings. Thank you.
Thank-you for sharing this story with us.
After reading your reviews for films such as "Duane Hopwood", "28 Days", "Trees Lounge" and "When a Man Loves a Woman" I felt that it was a subject matter that had personally affected you as you had an uncanny insight into alcoholism. These reviews served as a great source of understanding the disease for myself.
Congratulations on your 30 years of sobriety!
"I miss the camaraderie." Very interesting observation, as I am preparing my son to go off to a college with a reputation as a "party school." That seems to happen a lot, for many, eh? Alcohol as a drug to serve as social lubricant, but then once people are a little lubricated, it is the camaraderie and conversation, not the drug, that gives that warm pleasant glow. But then the glow fades, the people leave, and we think the drug will provide it when really it is the people with whom we took the drug that we want.
I tried an interesting experiment a few times when I ran social events at our church. I'd purchase non-alcoholic beer as well as regular beer. We'd serve in plastic cups, not bottles, to avoid breakage. Generally, the husbands would come and get a few beers to start, then later on the wives would come over and get the non-alcoholic beers to bring to their husbands. No one ever noticed the difference.
Roger:
A very insightful blog. Do you recall what bartender Howard Da Silva told Brunham, (Ray Milland), who was begging him for a drink? "One's too many and a hundred's not enough."
While I can appreciate your story and sobriety, AA stands for Alcoholics Anonymous. The 11th tradition states "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films."
Long form "Our relations with the general public should be characterized by personal anonymity. We think A.A. ought to avoid sensational advertising. Our names and pictures as A.A. members ought not be broadcast, filmed, or publicly printed. Our public relations should be guided by the principle of attraction rather than promotion. There is never need to praise ourselves. We feel it better to let our friends recommend us."
Roger,
Thanks for your heartwarming blog entry. It brought tears to my eyes for many reasons. I'm Chinese Medicine practitioner whose purpose is to teach Chinese Medicine to the masses. It's an uphill battle.
I was touched by your doctor who spent an hour talking to you. When was the last time you think the masses had a chance to spend an hour talking to their doctor? It's a game rigged against doctors being able to do that even if they'd like too.
Your doctor reminds of a great Chinese Medicine doctor who really understands the person and gives them simple advice instead a bunch of meds like lithium. Spending an hour with a Chinese Medicine practitioner is a common experience for a patient. And sometimes one will get great advice like your doctor gave you. What if your doctor didn't have the time for you and just caved into your request for lithium on that day according to your request. Would you be just switching addicting drugs?
I could go on forever. So I'll control myself.
There is a Chinese Medicine acupuncture treatment that puts needles into the addicts ear for treating the addiction. I treated patients for a semester as part of my school training. While doing this was not my calling, I was told by the people that were getting treated that the treatment made them feel like they did when they were taking their drug of choice. For example, if their mind was racing then during the treatment, and for awhile afterwards, their mind would be calm without the depressing side affects of let's say alcohol.
Everything that happens in my life I see through the prism of Chinese Medicine. It can be a curse when putting in my two-cents about alcohol addiction.
But I had a "funny" alcoholic story to tell so that's why I'm writing here.
My brother was a hard-core alcoholic (maybe they're all hard-core). He was not a "functioning" alcoholic. He could not hold a job. He slept on Chicago park benches on many a night. I marveled that he didn't die of exposure.
One day he asks me to pick him up from detox or maybe it was to drive him to detox. There were many drives. He's on the edge. I'm on edge just seeing him -- not knowing how to help and to what extent to get involved, as it has been going on for years.
I know he feels guilty even asking for a ride and probably money. It was awkward for both of us. There was silence. Then he said, "I came up in detox a top-ten questionnaire of when you know you are REALLY an alcoholic. I knew this was gonna be funny and insightful. We were Irish brothers breaking the ice with some humor. Just the medicine I needed.
He went through the top-ten list and I was crying in laughter. It was one of the funniest things I every heard. It's one of my regrets in my life that I only remember one of them. I might ask him next time I see him as that was many years ago. He (supposedly) has been sober for years and has had a city job for years.
I do remember only one of them. It goes -- "Is your idea of winter footwear -- paper slippers from the hospital?
Do you have any thoughts about groups for the families of alcoholics?My boyfriend's dad and most of that side of the family are alcoholics and I think he should go to one.
Ebert: That program is called Alanon.
"Try finding a smoker's anonymous."
http://www.nicotine-anonymous.org/
Roger, given the subject matter of this essay, I was wondering if you had any thoughts on current governmental policies towards alcohol consumption, specifically as it applies toward young people. As a college student at a large, urban state university, I have had the pleasure of seeing a number of my friends arrested for underage consumption of alcohol, often by poorly disguised undercover officers who strong-arm their way into parties or tailgating events which are fenced off and "private."
Now, there is no question that underage drinkers are breaking the law. However, is it really prudent to attack underage, social alcohol as a hard crime and thus alienate and disillusion young people with the governmental apparatus that they will one day inherit? The "STOP" program run by Ohio State is particularly disturbing ( http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2007/09/05/commis05.ART_ART_09-05-07_B2_RU7QF8S.html?sid=101). Under the program, undercover local and university police patrol the campus area, breaking up parties and arresting students. In a part of town where burglary, rape, and strong-arm robbery are rife, it is disturbing that local government would choose to spend tens of thousands of dollars in a bound-to-fail attempt to quash underage drinking. A party I attended last season was hit by STOP; two unmarked police vans screeched through a back alley, blocking the rear exit to the party as further undercover police stormed up both sides of the house, effectively encircling the gathering. It was like something out of HBO's "The Wire." The proceeded to arrest around 20 people, a number of whom were from out-of-state and who thus would have to return to the campus area to take care of the charges they were facing.
Maybe this subject is too big for a concise answer, and maybe it just doesn't interest you. Yet, given the intensely personal focus that you give your responses to thorny issues facing our society, I thought that I would share that which you envoked in me. Your posts always promote discourse, and here is mine.
I appreciate this story. I am wondering: Is there any way to truly be a functioning "alocholic"; that is, is there anything wrong with drinking more than most people but always avoiding the blunders and blackouts, always knowing when to stop, and always being able to take some days off? I love drinking, and some would say I polish off more than I should (I am almost exclusively a beer drinker). I never take one in the morning, I never miss work for it, I never go bananas, and I never have a problem being drink-free for days at a time. I enjoy knowing that one day, probably the next weekend, I'll be able to pound through six to ten beers in a sitting, keep my wits about me, and wake up and have a normal day. A hangover gets in the way about once out of five or six of these kinds of events, but maybe only once a year does it "ruin" a morning or an afternoon. Is this wrong? I ask earnestly, with the understanding that you're not a physician--just curious about your opinion.
My grandfather was so much the alcoholic that it defined him. He embraced it. "Booze, O Booze, you've been my guest/You've often made me lose my rest/You've often made me wear old clothes/But since you are so near my nose/I'll drink you down, and down she goes." He was also fond of Dorothy Parker's "See the happy moron/He doesn't give a damn/I wish I were a moron/My God, perhaps I am." He lived to be 79, fathered several children, had several wives, broke a lot of hearts, frequented many bars, and did a good deal of time in the drunk tank. Sometimes he was like lovable Uncle Sid in Ah, Wilderness!" but more often when he was fully in his cups he was belligerent--downright nasty.
I'm sorry he never latched onto AA. I doubt if he ever went to a meeting; too stubborn. But I'd love to see a movie from the alternate universe where he was just unstubborn enough to have found and embraced AA. THAT world, I think, is a slightly better place than this one.
I am not an alcoholic, but I believe too that breaking down at some point in your life can be a chance. I suffer from schizophrenia, and when a good friend took me to a hospital two and a half years ago in a severe phase, my whole life was shattered; the only thing I still had left was my job, because when I´m in a stable phase I usually do some good work.
After I left the hospital, I decided to changed my life: Now I care for two lovely cats who live in my flat, I go running every morning for half an hour, and I go to bed earlier ´cause I found out that sleep shouldn´t be underestimated for one´s health. And I´m still stable.
The only thing that bothers me at the moment is that I smoke too much. And because I like cigarettes I think every person can become addicted to something. No one should be ashamed of it.
I have known people who had 'issues' with AA.
Those issues evaporated when they saw friends pull back with its help and when they met others who would be lesser people or dead without it.
For the latter case, your post is very useful.
21yrs in November for me. Quit at 19. If it wasn't for my father quitting himself when I was 12, I would have gone much longer, I'm sure.
Best of luck to you, Roger.
Roger.
May God, as you understand Him, bless you for telling your compelling story with your usual grace and wit.
And we all need Grace.
I'm sure that you've helped someone reading this. I don't have this particular problem (and yes, there but for the Grace of God go I). But most of us struggle with something, and I imagine you've helped people with those problems as well. There's a lot of very human stuff to think about here.
Randy
Nice job. Fair and accurate. Just like your reviews I search for in IMDB. Had the pleasure of going to the Mustard Seed during a trip a few years ago - it helped me. Congrats on 30 years. I think your expression can be trusted not to violate the anonymity tradition. Good to hear you.
Please...Rogert Ebert is pompous,overblown and overated.Who cares about his struggles.There's literally thousands of people who have succssfully beat drug and/or alcohol addiction and their stories never make the papers.They just get up everyday and go to work or carry on as best they can.Ebert is seeking admiration and accolades for his problems,only because he is prominent and a celeb...big deal!Hey Ebert....stick to your overblown and useless movie criticism.Leave the real world to the everyday folk.
Congratulations on thirty years (unimaginable to me, but so was one year two July's ago). I was wondering when this essay would appear, as I have enjoyed glimpses of your insight and knowledge of the alcoholic mind. It arrives just as I expected it--thoughtful, powerful, humble. I applaud your decision to write it as the Twelfth Step can be elusive to those who drink in isolation, as I did; this will find many lost in that void.
When you reviewed "Sideways" I smiled at your observation: "No wonder his unpublished novel is titled The Day After Yesterday; for anyone who drinks a lot, that's what today always feels like." I felt a chill when you described "fighting it out with Suttree" in your hospital bed, and was compelled to do the same with MacCarthy's novel this summer.
It is no wonder alcoholics are uniquely qualified to reach other alcoholics. After many discussions with many concerned people over the years, the woman who finally made a dent with me did not confront me. She simply talked about herself. Only later did I realize she was also talking about me. I am reminded of James Woods (portraying Bill W.) saying to James Garner (Dr. Bob) in "My name is Bill W.": "I don't think you understand. I didn't come here to help you. I came here to help me."
Thanks, Roger
Thanks, Roger, for the accurate review of AA...I recently celebrated 33 years of sobriety by going to a meeting everyday,and still do!
Last Friday, I happened to go to 3.....I love AA for the reasons you mentioned and my life as a 63 yr old widow living in the city of SF is fabulous because of sobriety in AA....
God Bless you.
Thank you, Roger, I knew there was something I liked about you.
I know your article will help people and that is the spirit of AA.
Reading stories like yours has been an important part of my recovery -- I have almost three years now. Your article now joins my own personal library of sobriety. Again, thank you.
Wow, thirty years since your last drink; that's truly amazing!
I know what's it like to be addicted to something, someone,
somewhere or anything in that matter, it could get a hold on
your life, then it becomes a life on it's own; losing it means
losing a part of ones life, I'm not much of a drinker, this is
going to sound corny; my addiction is acting and H2O, those are
the only two that stick out from me, I drink two to three
gallons of water each day; if I could eat that much in contrast,
I'd probable weight four hundred pounds.
Nice choice of videos:
-The Lost Weekend, -Days of Wine and Roses, -Clean and Sober.
No -Under the Volcano or -Leaving Las Vegas; the greatest very
independent film on drinking and acting (on it) in the nineties!
Alcoholism runs in my father's family. In our branch, thankfully, it did not go beyond him. Dad was a "functioning" alcoholic. He never drank during work hours, reserving it for after he got home. The rationalization in our house was essentially that it didn't matter, because he was still a good and responsible provider ... a line I bought into. (I learned many years later about the effects of living in an alcoholic home.)
My father stopped drinking shortly before I turned 15, and was sober for 26 years, thanks to AA (he died several years ago - unrelated to drinking). I observed his recovery journey over the years, and saw how AA helped him to become *himself.* He grew from a distant, uninvolved, terribly unhappy person into a joyous, loving, humble, generous man who never stopped learning, and never stopped growing. It wasn't a quick or an easy journey, but he took it, quietly working the program and living its principles for the rest of his life.
Some months ago I had the opportunity to attend a couple of open meetings with a friend who has also been successful in the program. It was like a capstone to the journey, allowing me insight into the community that helped my father, and by extension, my family. My gratitude to my father for all of his work, for the chance to see the whole evolving arc of his recovery, and to AA for providing the path and the support, is enormous and ongoing. He is still my example in many ways, mostly on the possibility of becoming one's true self.
Congratulations on your own journey, Roger. And thank you for sharing a part of it.
Thanks for this, Roger. I'm nearing my 40th birthday and just passed a kidney stone early yesterday morning (an experience I strongly recommend against). The ER physician looked over my blood and urine test results and told me my liver enzymes were a little elevated. He recommended moderating my drinking. I didn't like hearing that at all. I normally have three drinks a night and now I think I probably shouldn't. I didn't drink yesterday. I don't feel like drinking today. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.......
Roger,
Thank you so much for this essay. In 2004, I returned from being an LDS missionary for 2 years to find my best friend inactive in the LDS church and as well as an alcoholic.
I didn't know how in depth his problem was until he wrecked his car while drunk. Then, on his own, he wandered into an A.A. meeting across the street from his apartment. A.A. changed his life. He's been sober for over 3 years now and actually leaves tomorrow to serve his own 2 year mission in California.
He's always said that A.A. was inspired and I agree with him. It saved my best friend. Thank you for affirming the usefulness of A.A.
Also, have you ever thought of compiling together some of your blog essays into a book? You could add some of the (better) comments of your readers too. I would buy it.
Thanks again for your posts.
Fascinating reading. I always wondered about the inner working of an AA meeting. I became drunk to unconsciousness twice in my life: the first time I didn't know my limit, and the second time I knew it but kept on going. I stopped after that (I missed my first day of college because of the hangover the second time). Now I only drink a glass of wine now and then. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Roger,
You're my favorite writer in Chicago journalism, and I've worked in the profession here for 24 years - the last four-plus in sobriety. However, I must agree with Friend of Bill. At one of my meetings, an old-timer frequently suggests this: "Read the lines that are black, not the ones in between."
Thanks for sharing your story. It's that moment alone that strikes me as essential, your decision to "wait"--and not drink while waiting. The cliché that you have to quit for yourself is true--and the hell of it is, at the start you also have to do it by yourself. Forgive the weak comparison, but I smoked a pack of Marlboros a day for twenty years--until I stood there in the kitchen, a week from Thanksgiving, with a terrible chest cold and a snowstorm outside--and there I was, pulling on my parka to go buy cigarettes. Well, I stopped, and decided to wait--first until the cold got better, then until the New Year. And I haven't smoked since.
Unfortunately, unlike you, at times I still want to smoke, after all these years. Then again, I also want to kiss every pretty girl I see; but I resist both urges. Sober minds prevail!
Hi Roger,
Thanks for sharing. I don’t blame you for outing yourself. We’re anonymous in the rooms, but we’re drunks everywhere. We should do anything it takes to let people know AA is there.
I have been sober for 23 years, and like you I lost the urge to drink after my first meeting. The thing is, there are people who have been sober longer than me who still struggle. They fight the urge to drink every day. Why do you think that is? I’ve been mulling that one for a long time, and I still can’t figure it out.
I thank my higher power every day I'm sober. I’m one of the luckiest guys in the world, and I'm nothing special. Anybody can get sober. Anybody.
Mr Ebert i'm glad that you decided to share your story with the world. Being a sober member of society I know what a struggle it can be but also know the infinite rewards. The only comment I wish to leave is that I am sorely disappointed by the fact that this piece is in direct conflict with the traditions. You have seemingly put a face on our anonymous "organization" which goes against our tradition of personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. I believe that you could have written your story publicly without bringing A.A. to the center of attention. Our program is based on attraction rather than promotion and I'm sure it's not hard for you to understand that being a person of strong influence people would choose to not give A.A. a chance simply because they have a distaste for your movie reviews. Please take my comments into consideration before deciding to publicly break your anonymity anymore.
-Best Regards,
SoberAlcoholic
I lived in Chicago for many years, and I even saw you around town a couple of times. I never wanted to approach you because you were with your wife, enjoying each other's company and conversation, and I didn't want to intrude. So I'll tell you here that I sincerely find a lot of meaning your blog posts. They're thoughtful, nuanced, honest, and well-written — something missing from most of what I read in newspapers and online. You also responded to an e-mail I wrote to you probably 10 years ago, and I have always remembered and appreciated how you took the time to respond to a college student.
This piece struck close to home because my father is also an alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink in more than 15 years, but I teared up while reading your writing. He never went to AA — just stopped drinking one day, that was that — but I imagine AA would have been helpful to him. Now in his late 70s and living in a nursing home, I can tell that he regrets the years and memories lost to booze. It's so painful, in fact, that he doesn't like to talk about it. That's understandable, but I hate to think of how alone he must have felt (and still may feel) from time to time. I am going home to visit him this weekend and will be thinking about your piece as I do so.
"Smoking, food addiction, porn addiction, gambler's addiction all require that same awareness, symbiosis, human relateness that is inherent in AA. Try finding a smoker's anonymous."
There are actually 12-step programs for all of those issues: Gambler's Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous. They all have websites that will help you find meetings. For example: www.nicotine-anonymous.org/
We do have traditions, but remember---there are no rules in AA. I feel very strongly that it's between someone and their higher power to disclose their membership in AA. Personally, I feel good knowing someone whose writing I've grown up reading is sober and in AA. I love AA.
Congrats on your 30 years. As the wife of active AA member, I can confidently say your sobriety is a priceless gift that gives each day to those who love and care for you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Congratulations. I haven't met many who have made it 30 years. I don't know if they drop out or just quit coming to meetings. Either way, it's a shame.
I remember thinking that those with 30 years were the REAL wise men of AA. I received my 30-year chip last December, and now I'm not so sure.
My favorite line from your essay: "It was the best thing that ever happened to me." That is the truest thing ever written about AA.
In decades as a biographer and magazine profile writer I have written about many subjects--Eppie Lederer (Ann Landers), Irv Kupcinet, Rod Blagojevich, etc. and, most enjoyably, Roger Ebert (for the December 2005 issue of Chicago magazine.)
Here's the link:
http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/December-2005/A-Life-in-the-Movies/
I interviewed scores of people for this piece, some going back to his high school days in Urbana, not to mention his years at my alma mater too, the University of Illinois.
And I covered his days of prodigious drinking, interviewing as I went many of his companions at his favorite bars in Old Town, O'Rourke's and the Old Town Ale House.
Here's one paragraph from an interview with one of Ebert's many friends about an AA meeting at Old Town's St. Michael's Church:
"One woman, who casually dated Ebert, encountered him at an AA meeting the first week of his sobriety. It was a hot day; the door was open, and she glanced out at a Sun-Times delivery truck that had Ebert's picture plastered on its side and realized that the man in the row in front of her was a cohost of the television show about movies then distributed nationally by the Public Broadcasting Service."
Congratulations, Roger, for taking such a long, strange trip with such grace and dignity.
I am not a drinker, I can't stand the taste of alcohol. Some genetic quirk, I guess. But I've always been drawn to stories of exhaustion and redemption. One of the best I've read is Drinking: A Love Story, by the late Caroline Knapp. She captures the way alcohol wends itself into a life until it seems as inevitable as air, natural as water, as much a part of a day as brushing your teeth. She was one of those "boring" drunks-never got fired, arrested, all the drama that puts a person's drinking in the community's lap and leads to Judge-Sentenced AA. All her drama was quiet, silent even, as the alcohol boosted everything she hated about herself into the forefront of her life using promises that it would make them go away. I know you dislike book recommendations, but I can't help it, it's a truly exceptional work.
I've never met you in person, but I'm so proud of you. Good job with your life. A very good job.
Dear Mr. Ebert,
Thank you very much for your heartfelt and eye-opening post on your experience with alcoholism. I don't recall ever going to a movie w/out first checking your recommendation, but I see that your experience ranges across much more then cinema.
I was especially touched by your remarks on willpower. My own "mental disease" has been depression, for which I've resisted treatment and kept hidden for over eight years. I suspect the experience is alike; a growing loss of control over one's life, a questioning of self, and ultimately, a disease of will.
Thanks Mr. Ebert - if a man as respected as yourself can have such a problem, then my depression should not be such a source of shame. I intend to get into treatment, and hope that my own experience with A.A.'s analogue will be as valuable as your own.
Man, Roger, you are hitting the heavies this week.
My father got sober, helped by AA, as you have been, about three years before he died. I can never express enough gratitude for having had those precious three years, where he actually saw me, heard me, and I believed that he loved me.
Thanks for the tribute.
Thank you, Roger, for this piece. You may have broken the Silence, but perhaps your "outing" will encourage someone else to break the cycle.
I can't tell you the last time I had a drink. I know it's been longer than 10 years. And even then, I didn't drink to get drunk. I had one at a club and that was enough.
The reason I don't like to drink is that alcohol is a depressant. In my case, they mean it. I get depressed and start thinking about things that happened 20 years ago. I'm also a mean drunk. Not throwing my fists around, but rather my mouth engages before my brain does. I don't like myself when I'm that way, so I choose not to indulge.
Besides, I've always regarded alcohol as a non-productive expense. People ask me how I managed to collect so many DVDs and CDs; my answer is always the same: I don't drink or smoke. I spend my money on something that I can keep after I've used it.
My father is an alcoholic. He's cut down over the past few years, but I've saw him come home from work and fix himself a gin and tonic almost every day while I was growing up. When I go to visit him now, he's still doing the same. I've even witnessed him telling his patients (he's a doctor) to stop drinking and smoking. He then go fix his pipe and his GT.
Thankfully, he's stopped smoking. And I've made it clear that while he's free to drink what he likes; one drunken incident around my 3-year-old daughter and he doesn't get to see her any more. Perhaps I wouldn't be that harsh in practice, but I damn sure wouldn't let her stay over at his house while myself or my wife were not present. My mother backs me in this, 100 percent.
I wish I could get him to go to an AA meeting. I've never been to AA, but I've been to Overeaters Anonymous (OA) before, so I know what goes on there. I know that he's got to make the decision, and even the suggestion would probably turn him away from it, just out of refusal to admit he has a problem.
I wonder if this is one of the reasons why you appreciate the novel Suttree so much? McCarthy certainly knows how to weave a drunkalog into his novels.
Alcoholism frightens me. It's gripped my father (who was in AA but relapsed) and my aunt (who denies that she has a problem). I don't know how to help them. The idea of an intervention is gut-wrenching, but I don't know what else there is to do. Not to mention all the other stuff going on in my family right now that complicates doing anything.
Craig Ferguson gave a monologue on going sober. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA
Paul: Part of the problem with Alcoholics Anonymous today is that many people were introduced to this program via court-ordered intervention (due to alcohol-related arrests).
I think AA is fine as a voluntary program. It is designed for, and I'm sure works well for, certain type of people.
As a court-ordered mandate, I cannot see it working well. To me, AA is designed for the person who voluntarily wants to give up drinking, not someone who is forced into the situation kicking and screaming. I also don't think everyone will work well with the group therapy aspect and "higher power" approach. Alcohol addiction cannot be treated by a single therapy alone.
AA is noted these days for a high attrition rate and has a lot of "cult" criticisms leveled at it. Both I feel may have arisen due to courts using AA as a crutch. It's easy to see something like AA as a cult when you *are* forced into it.
Ebert: I agree.
Roger,
I've long suspected, from reading between the lines in some of your reviews, that you were a recovered alcoholic. Glad you got better.
Craig Ferguson did a great monologue about how he came to be cured of his alcoholism, and what it means to be an alcoholic. It's a pretty popular video on youtube ("Ferguson Speaks From The Heart"), and I think adds to this discussion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA&feature=fvst
Roger,
You are a national treasure. For years, and with several failed interventions, some of us have been trying to get a friend to stop drinking. None of us knew anything about AA and couldn't contradict her assertion that "it was a place for drunks and losers."
I'm going to forward her your post.
From your tale, it seems AA's success has been to provide a place of comaraderie, neighborhood and friendship that ISN'T the local bar.
I have always liked you, sir, and have always respected you, and enjoyed your movie writing. But from where this (15 years sober) reader sits, this might be the most important piece you've ever published. Good for you. 11th tradition is poison.
Ebert: I agree with it. I felt I had sufficient personal reasons in my particular case.
Thanks, Roger. Many of family are members of the club and it has saved many lives.
Thanks Roger, a really accurate description of how AA works, that will no doubt help many people who need to be helped. I celebrated my one-year cake last night, and know that AA is the reason I am happy and sober this morning.
Take care on the journey.
Roger,
Congratulations on your incredible achievement, from a life-long fan of your writing. Please continue to write about anything that comes to mind, outside movies. Your political essays of late have been masterful as well. Ideas in this country seem to succeed only as well as they are expressed. As you face your personal challenges, please know--we need your 'voice' now more than ever.
Gary
There is no unwritten exception to the 11th tradition that says you can break your anonymity at the level of press if you are certain you won't drink again. I don't deny that your column will be helpful to many, but you should have sought permission from AA before printing it (and you would not have received that permission).
Thank you for sharing that. The program (AA) literally saved the life of two of my family members. I vividly remember the cathartic moment I witnessed on the steps of my home when I was 13 years old. That was 29 years ago for me.
I remember seeing "The Hustler" the first time as a teen and cringing at Piper Laurie's performance as "Sarah Packard." Too realistic for me then. Now I watch it and marvel. I'll be ready to celebrate 30 years with my family member next year. Maybe we'll drop in "The Hustler" dvd, because now we can both actually enjoy watching it together.
By Friend of Bill on August 25, 2009 12:26 PM
Tradition 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need ALWAYS maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.
It seems to me that the anonymity tradition is a very important part of AA. But the emphasis is, in my opinion, towards the mass media, advertising and self promotion. In this case, I feel that you are talking to many friends who have grown to know you over many years. You just happen to use a means that makes it easier for others, who are not your friends, to know as well. When you talk to friends, personally one at a time, there is still the risk that the information will spread if some of your friends are not as worthy as they should be.
It is for this blog, and the last couple of blogs as well as the lighter stories that you bring to our attention, that makes your blog the best on the interweb.
Thank you
Dale
Do you think alcoholism is a disease?
Ebert: Yes. One you can choose to be cured of.
Dear Roger,
Congrats on your 30 years! I love reading your column. I don't have much to add, but please please please see Louis Malle's "The Fire Within" (Le feu follet) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057058/
I have watched it about 5 times on the advice of a friend who claimed it made "Days of Wine and Roses" and "The Lost Weekend" look like cartoons parodying alcoholism. How right he was. I am about to check myself in and stop drinking because of it.
I really think it deserves a place on your list. I can't recommend it enough. Malle is truly one of cinema's underrated directors.
Best regards,
Hi Roger,
I have to admit to being one of those people who has reservations about the religious language used by A.A., although I'm definitely not in the camp that would call it a cult or forced indoctrination or anything like that.
While I'm very glad it helped you, and I'm sure it's helped many, many other people over the years, I wonder if it might not have helped even more people without the religious phrasing. I know it doesn't attempt to define "God" explicitly, and in fact goes out of its way to avoid doing so, but the very word has unavoidable religious connotations.
My concern is that people who are not religious, or at least not Christians, might worry that they wouldn't be welcome at meetings. You say that's not the case and I believe you, but, sad to say, it's not unreasonable for religious minorities in America to have those concerns.
The "higher power" part I totally get, but do you think the use of the G-word is essential to the helpfulness of the program? Would more neutral phrasing make it less effective?
Hi, Roger, nice job breaking the 11th tradition! I wonder how much ad revenue Chicago Sun-Times is getting from your journal about AA today!
Are you a writer before you're a critic or a critic before you're a writer? Incidentally, I (hopefully) took my last drink 24 days ago. I haven't been sober for more than 10 days over he last 4 years so I kind of know where you're coming from. You can find a genial sense of communion at A.A. meetings, but they're not for me. My problem is I like Bukowski too much...
The traditions exist for a very specific purpose, and this is a flagrant violation of the 11th tradition! Clearly you do not respect them, and that makes me VERY VERY sad.
I wish you the best in your recovery, but I wish you could have found a different way to carry the message.
Addressing the "cult" issue in my own way:
I am a recovering alcoholic who is one of the lucky few; I never liked AA but fortunately, I was able to beat the demon on my own.
The problem I had the 3 or 4 times I went to AA was that a lot of attendees had seemingly become co-dependent on Christ. I saw these people as robots-- almost zombies-- who were fooling themselves.
Okay, they weren't drinking--anything is better than death-- but they were using faith as a substitute; it seemed to be just another drug instead of being a higher power.
I know what Step 3 says and I understand that everyone has to approach this differently; but there is one word of caution I feel I must offer to anyone reading.
If at all possible: attend your first meeting at a neutral site. I recommend you avoid meetings at any church but especially your own denomination. For many, religion carries it's own baggage along.
I truly wish you all the best.
Thanks for writing this. Its a great essay on AA.
I think the best portrayal of alcoholism on screen is by Susan Tyrell in "Fat City". Absolutely real.
Congratulations on your 30 years of sobriety, Roger, and good luck to all who seek a sober lifestyle. I think that the "Power greater than ourselves", is the power of AA's collective participants.
Roger, you have touched a multitude with your openness and honesty. This is the greatest review that you have ever written!
My father recently passed away at a fairly young age after a twenty-year battle with substance abuse problems (namely alcohol). The issue? He was always, as you say 'dry drunk'. Even when he went sober for a period of years, there was always the chance that he could break down, because AA meeting never entered his process of sobriety. As a result, he relapsed and died.
When I miss out on opportunities for a sort of excitement because I don't drink, I remember how it ruined my father, and I am proud to stand by my choice. It was so reassuring to read an essay that acted as a proponent of AA while noting your relief that alcohol is no longer part of your life. Too often, I hear people describe "how fun it was" when they drank, and how the days of wine and roses are missed. There is no danger in moderation, but once it crosses into addiction, it is very good to know that there is a helpful program and a true genius in film using it to full benefit. This essay made my day.
I appreciate your intentions Mr. Ebert, but we should try to remember that Bill W and the other founders felt it necessary to keep this fellowship and program anonymous. Please refer to the twelve traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.
All the best,
Jason
Congrats on 30 years. I've enjoyed a few meetings at the Mustard seed, but I might mention that not all meetings are like Chicago meetings. There are speaker meetings where no one but the speaker (or two speakers) says a word. I've heard that in California they do all kinds of crazy things, including clapping at every instant imaginable. There are many other variations.
I also want to second the comment about Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. In my opinion the entire (long) book is worth the effort and the sections on addiction and alcoholism are brilliant. The Boston AA depicted is another example of a different approach to AA meetings.
I've found the best way to quit drinking is to never start. I'm not tooting my own horn, I just never had social connections that involved alcohol and drinking alone always seemed like a bad idea. When I finally came of age to drink legally, the reasons not to were all too obvious - it's expensive, time consuming, and it doesn't make you feel good. I've suffered listening to too many meandering drunks to ever consider taking myself to that same place. These conclusion came without any higher power, other than realizing that drugs do not allow people to make personal choices for themselves.
I like how your piece demonstrated that the main purpose of AA is to provide a social environment in the absence of alcohol. It's something to do to unwind and meet people. Before, it was just a mystery to me what they did there.
I just celebrated 25 years of sobriety -- I am not religious. This program saved my life. When people ask me what my higher power was , I merely reply 'Not me'. Congrats Roger-- you're one of the finest people I've known. Keep coming back.
I've never touched a drop of alcohol in my life. I've seen the damage it can do from both sides of my family, including my father and mother. My mother died two years ago at 52 of alcoholism.
I can't remember to have ever seen her sober. Just varying levels of drunkeness. Ranging from clear thinking to barely able to walk. I remember how one day my grandmother was coming. My mother was sneaking off in the cellar to have a drink. My grandmother gave her a reprimande and that's how I found out that my mother was an alcoholic. I must have been around 9 years. From then on, I could hear the soft opening of alcohol bottles or cans. I knew she was drinking but what could I do about it? How do you deal with people who are alcholics and you have to live with them? Is there any group to help the family of alcholics?
Congrats on your 30 years of soberness. You must have made a lot of other people happy by stopping with drinking.
Thank you for sharing your weaknesses. That is one of your strengths.
Roger,
Long history of alcoholism in my family. My father passed away prematurely from it.
I had been a moderate (sometimes not so moderate) drinker for years. When I reached my 30's without really developing a problem I figured alcoholism had skipped me (when my father had gone to AA in the 80's my younger sister and I were told alcoholism skips a generation), but during the last couple of years my daily consumption steadily increased to the point where I've been drunk for most of the last year or so.
I don't know why exactly the problem developed in earnest, but there you go. After a number of, well, moments, I quit. I've been sober for literally 17 hours now and wanted to thank you for this post as I have bookmarked it to read when needed as one way to help keep myself off. My father was sober for over a decade until he relapsed and drank until the end, so I feel it's going to be difficult.
Having gone through the "kid" AA meetings back then I remember how much they stressed the anonymity part. Thank you for effin' it and sharing anyway. It as helped me.
I was just telling my wife that you are one of the people we really need and there won't be another. I am a recovering alcoholic and AA is the stuff. I have tons to say but I will end with thanks for the humility,thanks for loving art,and thanks for being there my whole life in print .I knew you were one of us.
Tom braam
Roger, I was touched today when I read your blog, I am a compulsive gambler who has failed a few times in trying to stop, but have been successful since July of 09. I shared your blog with my wife and it brought me to tears when she said this "This is a sign. that is a message from God, there are NO Accidents." She has been a victim of my compulsions going on 12 years now and its taken me a long time to really want to follow the program of AA, (we use AA as our guide in GA with next to no differences) and it wasn't a moment too soon, i was truly headed for one of either prison, insanity or death. What struck me MOST about your article was the identical feelings i've had of late, its perfectly written here
One day, after a month of sobriety, I went to see him because I feared I had grown too elated, even giddy, with the realization that I need not drink again. "Maybe I'm manic-depressive," I told him. "Maybe I need lithium."
"Alcohol is a depressant," he told me. "When you hold the balloon under the water and suddenly release it, it is eager to pop up quickly." I nodded. "Yes," I said, "but I'm too excited. I wake up too early. I'm in constant motion. I'd give anything just to feel a little bored."
I've also had trouble waking up too early and that maybe I too am a manic depressive, you're article cleared that up for me!
Thank you so much for sharing, and BTW, The 11th tradition didn't have the internet in mind when it was written!
Mr. Ebert,
Your story is indeed a wonderful one. I enjoyed what you shared and it seems as though others did too.
Yet, there is one part that I take issue with. I disagree with how much *specific* information you have shared to the public. I believe that how we live the 11th and 12th traditions is up to each of us individually. However, insomuch as our public actions divulge the specifics of meeting locations, meeting names and (loosely) times in public fora, I disagree with the liberty that you have taken in this article. Some of us may be more comfortable sharing information in public than others. I also think it very important to keep in mind that our decisions relating to our own anonymity may also have serious impact to others of our group.
This is a saying that I have come to appreciate more and more:
"What you hear here,
Who you see here,
Let it stay here."
While it does not specifically address my objections, for me, it captures the spirit of anonymity nicely.
As another tradition suggests, I speak for myself only and not on behalf of AA in general or any other person in particular.
Congratulations on your anniversary and best wishes as you continue to trudge the road of happy destiny.
/JK
I'm curious about how your friends and drinking buddies reacted to your sudden sobriety. Some must have been astonished and disbelieving. Did you have a hard time convincing them that you were serious? Did you avoid your favorite watering holes?
I stopped smoking pot about 25 years ago and for me the hardest part at the beginning was the constant "no thanks" when someone passed a joint around.
A wonderful piece as always Roger. Your work as an essayist is fast approachinig your epic stature as a film critic.
I was wondering, since I know you are a prolific reader, if you have read any of the superb Matt Scudder crime fiction novels from Lawrence Block? Those novels (especially the early ones) describe the constant struggle an alcoholic has to stay sober in great, sometimes heartwrenching, detail.
Thank you again, your blog is a daily must stop for me on the internet superhighway.
Mr. Ebert, after reading this entry I went back and read some of your reviews about movies that feature alcoholics. Do you think your experiences have affected the way you review and look at movies about alcoholics? Do you think an alcoholic looks at Barfly, Arthur, and others in a very different way than someone who isn't?
I suppose this question cold be about any major life experience. I'm sure someone who has lost a great friend would view "Last Orders" differently than someone who hasn't. Having known a number of alcoholics it seems to me that the experience of recovery is intensely personal, more so than most other life experiences, that only a person who has gone through it could begin to understand it. It's not universal.
Thank you for sharing and congratulations on 30 years of sobriety. I have 18-1/2 years and am eternally grateful to AA for being there. I now know where your deep compassion, insight and humanity comes from.
Roger, God bless you for your story! My husband has been clean and sober for sometime now. We lost a lot because of his drinking,but what we found was so much more. Life is very good lately. For those who are out there considering taking this step,go for it! It's not weak to ask for help,it takes strength and courage to admit you can't do it alone. The help is there,reach out and take it.
I am glad that you shared this I and glad that you have been sober for 30 years. I am bipolar, but have been sober for 22 years. I took the quiz as I would have answered it 22 years ago. 8 out 12.
Mr. Ebert,
I'm glad you were able to conquer your drinking problem because I readily enjoy reading your reviews and musings even if I don't always agree with them. I have always been an inquiring individual and studied philosophy in college, so I always wondered about the AA steps that mention a higher power. You seem to sort of dismiss the importance of these steps in terms of the words they use, but I think they hold a lot of philosophical gravity that I would never be able to ignore. Even though I am not an alcoholic, don't know any alcoholics, and have never been to an AA meeting, I wonder whether this role of the higher power may actually hinder recovery. It seems to me that when you give yourself, and your power, up to something greater, you absolve yourself from both responsibility and the strength to better yourself. Your life is now in the hands of "something greater" so you basically resign to doing as you think you are being told or shifting all responsibility to someone/something else. I think it would be a lot more powerful if you found that higher power in yourself. You have the power to take yourself to the bottom, therefore you have the power to bring yourself up. You are not weak because you're an alcoholic, you are weak because you do not realize it was you, your power that took you there and you can raise yourself above it. I hope this makes some sense, it's not very often that I get to share my philosophical musings with others--perhaps you will even find this a bit entertaining. Hope you're doing alright.
I was particularly moved by your references to the policeman and the sleigh drivers who guided the drunks to an AA meeting when they needed it most. I consider them angels working miracles, and life wouldn't be as good without these kind of people in the world.
Congratulations, Roger. It was April 24th of 1979 that I finally woke up so we share the 30 year milestone. As an English teacher I have revelled in the accidental irony of downing my last can of Schlitz on Shakespeare's birthday: "O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance revel and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!"
So I walked in off the street, did what I was told and my life opened up in ways I never dreamed possible.
I, too, was jolted when I saw your name in print and the open admission of your affiliation with AA, something I have so far avoided at this level (mass media). However, let's remember, that tradition was adopted before anybody had been sober thirty years and perhaps when people like us reach a certain age and longevity that caveat is a bit less absolute.
In any case, Roger, it has been my experience that any time we can help somebody else out of the hell we knew so vividly lo those many years ago, it's wonderful. If your story can help somebody else find the way home, then by Jesus, let's not quibble.
I am a lifelong non-drinker; as such, I've had occasion to be company to friends in less fortunate shape. Sometime around 1981 I learned to love AA. There is no better laughter than the laughter at an AA meeting (at least, the open ones I've attended; I've always imagined the laughter is better at the closed ones). My challenge to critics is always to come up with a better idea.
wg
The biggest problem with AA (and related 12-step programs) isn't intrinsic, but cultural: it has become the entrenched standard for addiction treatment and has crowded out all other alternatives.
This is of particular interest within the context of the criminal justice system. As driving under the influence has become (rightly) increasingly criminalized, ever-greater numbers of people have been sentenced or otherwise forced to participate in 12-step programs against their will. This is problematic because program success is deeply dependent upon an honest willingness to work it and there is very little evidence that it is effective for the vast numbers of those who are forced. In many states, within the addiction rehabilitation programs of the criminal justice system, there are no alternatives to 12-step programs and it is politically risky for counselors and administrators to suggest that there should be.
I've no personal axe to grind on the 12-step programs, for or against. I'm not an addict myself, but I've known several addicts and drug and alcohol abuse counselors. I've seen the program work, and I've seen it fail. Nevertheless, while the success rate is as good as any other, or better, it's still not that great. It's unlikely that the program would work for every kind of addict and serious and on-going consideration should be given to alternatives. And there especially should be given a lot of critical thought given to the issue of sentencing offenders to participate in 12-step programs.
Ebert: I agree. The meetings work if you walk yourself through the door.
Roger, I grew up with my dad, watching you review movies we rarely saw. You're a very iconic and memorable part of my childhood. So is my dads drinking. What you have written hits very close to home, and is so appreciated. Thank you.
@Michael M.
Emotions Anonymous covers "problems as diverse as depression, anger, broken or strained relationships, grief, anxiety, low self-esteem, panic, abnormal fears, resentment, jealousy, guilt, despair, fatigue, tension, boredom, loneliness, withdrawal, obsessive and negative thinking, worry, compulsive behavior and a variety of other emotional issues."
Great Post, Mr. Ebert. You are a national treasure!
Thanks for sharing, man. Beautiful stuff.
AA is obviously not a religion, cult, etc... It's a fraternity, no? It's what religions and cults (and, well, fraternities) often pretend to be, except that they get slowed down in overhead.
Omer M
Dang! You beat me by a year... this is my 29th. Sometimes I wonder, "Boy, where would I be today if I had never started drinking?" But then I think, "I KNOW where I'd be if I hadn't found AA!... Dead or deathly ill!" Anyway, I am happy with my quiet life and AA helped me find it and accept it.
That was beautifully written, and filled with the human decency that I have experienced in Al-Anon and ACA rooms across America.
I'm always sad to see the AA bashing, especially the cult label. But it's easy to slam what you don't understand, and when you are pointing with one finger there are three pointing back at you.
Roger,
Well done. A little wandery there at the beginning, confusing with the timeline. But in the end; well written. And remember, God exists because you can't always tell people to "just let go" of the things that have shaped and defined their existence without a more compelling reason. It's hard for most people to have faith.
Excellent post, thank you. I am sober for 18 days and the boost was really helpful. I'm sure tradition 11 is based on some experience, but dogma sucks.
Thanks again
Namaste,
This explains a lot. When I started catching on to your film reviews, I found your insights on alcoholism and addiction in several of your reviews almost way too perceptive and detailed (not just for a film critic, but for anybody). It's a blessing that you've been able to fight the urge so to speak. More power to you in that aspect.
I can't find AA in the phone book for the Orland Park area. How do I find the nearest meeting? Call the hospital? Your blog got me thinking to change my life. I cried...
Ebert: There are eight every week in Orland Park.
Look here: http://www.chicagoaa.org/meetings/
Thanks, Roger. When I was 13 or so, my parents gave me a copy of your Movie Home Companion for Christmas. Thereafter the book was never far from me. When I was in college, and the profs liked how I wrote, occasionally they'd ask who taught me, and I'd tell them, "Roger Ebert and Albert Camus." I haven't read much Camus in years, but I've been reading you all along.
I'm now 34 years old and am almost 16 months sober, via AA. It was a long struggle for me-- my first AA meeting was in college-- but I'm experiencing a new freedom these days. All I would add to your testimony is a lesson learned from my own experience: Keep Coming Back is not just a dumb slogan; there's a whole yawning chasm of import behind it for me, and for countless others who didn't get it the first time. If there are any out there reading this who have tried to stop and had trouble, I just want to say: you're okay, and you'll be okay. Just keep coming back.
"What has been America's most nurturing contribution to the culture of this planet so far? Many would say Jazz. I, who love jazz, will say this instead: Alcoholics Anonymous."
--Kurt Vonnegut
Mr. Ebert, I am glad that you have found AA helpful and that with the support of the rooms you have maintained 30 years of sobriety. But once again, I am disheartened to read of someone achieving sobriety through AA who disingenuously slights those of us who have achieved sobriety WITHOUT AA.
Contrary to what AA says, it can be done.
I am puzzled by the evidence you present, information I have seen shows that AA's own statistics on sobriety success rates are nowhere near 36% and are in fact quite low. Furthermore, AA has not altered their method since Bill W. and Dr. Bob's time, I have news for you, what medical science knows about addiction has increased since those days.
Let me ask you a very blunt and possibly harsh question, would you have fared as well with your cancer treatment had the doctors only used the techniques they used in the early 1930"s? I doubt it. Why do you think it is any different for treating addiction?
My drinking became a real problem and I went into AA. Nearly a decade of the absolute worst years of my life were spent in AA. My problems were not “spiritual”. I had not lost my way or suffered from too much pride. I had definable psychological diagnosis that was exacerbated by alcohol addiction. Only when I started dealing with the real problems did my alcohol dependency stop.
There is nothing in the AA program that ever helped me. In fact, I have been told many, many times at AA meetings (and the coffee klatches after) that even if I never drink again, I would never be really "sober" unless I followed the 12 Steps and I have been to hundreds and hundreds of meetings on two continents and a dozen different countries and states.
I certainly didn't want the sobriety I saw at most AA meetings, although lots of the people are nice.
Turning things over to God as you understand him is a total cop out and merely shifting the blame, but if you say it works for you I won't argue, but I'm willing to take responsibility for myself.
I am sober many years now and I maintain it by treating my depression properly and by taking a true wonder drug, naltrexone (which is frowned on by AA). But this drug posts a success rate helping addicts way better than anything AA can show.
Take it from me, if you have a drug or alcohol problem; ask your doctor about naltrexone or the generic version reviva (sic).
Isn't it time addiction treatment got moved into the proper century? You can still go to AA meetings. I do believe that a support system of other alcoholics is very helpful, but get the proper help you need from real professionals, not lay people with agendas.
Ebert: Whatever works for you.
Did you look at my link about recovery statistics?
I hope that saying this doesn't come across as bragging.
As a kid, I tried sneaking sips of my dad's beer a few times. I wondered what the big deal was.
As a teenager (or slightly older) I was offered a sip of harder stuff (brandy, if memory serves). I didn't care for the bitter taste, and decided not to follow up.
My only experience with wine is when I've eaten something that was cooked in it. It was never a big deal to me.
All I really know about booze is that it's pretty expensive , and that to enjoy it you have to develop a taste for it. And that's why I don't drink. No moral judgement on my part; I'm just too cheap to develop the taste, or the habit, or both. (I don't smoke or use recreational drugs either; same reason.)
At the same time, I grew up watching the comic drunks in movies and TV - Leon Errol and Jack Norton in comedies, Otis the town drunk on Andy Griffith, any number of other examples. There are probably still millions of us who never drank, even though our only examples were the funny drunks of Hollywood.
I suppose I should count myself lucky that my immediate family contains no hard-line boozers (that I know of, anyway). And I can't recall ever having had to spend an extended amount of time with someone who was really offensively drunk.
Then again, I can't enumerate just how many accounts I've read over the years of how alcohol abuse ruined the life/career/family of somone whose work I admired. Recently I read a biography of Craig Rice, who was a popular mystery novelist in the '40s. She was a heavy drinker, and so were her characters. The novels were comic whodunits, so the characters were funny drunks. Someone wrote of Ms. Rice, "She wrote the binge, but she lived the hangover." Craig Rice died at the age of 49.She was blind in one eye, deaf in one ear, and possibly bipolar, years before that term was known.
So when I read a post like yours today... I know it's an experince I was better off without, but I still wonder - what is the attraction of alcohol in the first place? It can't be the flavor - can it? THe aftereffect is always decried. Nobody that I know of has ever said that being drunk is a positive experince - so why?
Just another unanswered question...
Congratulations, Roger. And thank you for this! 26 years here, and man, you utterly told the story of how I started in. Wonderful.
Happy birthday! Thank you so much for "outing" yourself and sharing your story. At barely 4 1/2 yrs sober I get so much inspiration from other people in the program out in the real world. Besides, aren't we supposed to protect the anonymity of others in the fellowship, and not necessarily our own (accountability is a big part of me staying sober)? Anyway, as someone who fought AA and the "g" word, I was amazed at the open mindedness and compassion I found in the rooms. How was it possible that an old book written my older white men could relate so well to me, a 36 yr old married mother of 2? I don't know why it works for me, but it does. And I'm glad it works for you, too.
Thanks, again.
I've never had more than a couple beers in any one sitting. I always wonder if I'm missing out by not getting drunk.
I also have been in AA 30 yrs as of Oct.and even though it has been hard and I had to face all pain, when it lifted it was a different world for me.
If someone with your pain and problems can do it and I can do it anyone can do it.
The pain of drinking and drugging and an eating disorder etc, is no where near the pain of all of that.
I have been to all the mtgs. you mentioned except out of town. I worked downtown for the Cook County Sheriff's Dept. I chaired at St. Peters for a year in early 90.s.
Every dream I had came true through sobriety and only through sobriety. My thinking was warped before the program and so was my life.
Peace and Serenity to You,
Suzette
Congratulations, Roger. I am fortunate myself in that I have had no addictions myself (save cartoons, but I have yet to meet a C.A.), but some people very close to me have been through this process. Suffice to say, I have deep respect for everyone who has struggled against a chemical dependency and come out the other side healthier and wiser. It should never be forgotten that addiction is a physiological response; mixed in with psychology and emotions, yes, but it is a fight against your own body. That is not a battle that is easy to win. Once more, congrats on the success you had thirty years ago, and the continued success you've had each one day at a time afterwards.
Roger:-
As you know 30 year sober members are sticklers when quoting the official AA steps, and that the quote should be accurate. Whoever typed this blog did not quote the first and third steps correctly. In the meantime congrats from a 32 to a 30.
Ebert: Thanks!
I typed it myself. Yes, going to aa.org I see that the first step says "alcohol," not addiction. I have corrected that. In the third step, the web source I used said "God as we understand God," not "as we understand him." I'm choosing to let that stand. I don't think Bill and Bob were remotely sexist, but in this day and age...does God, as you understand God, have a gender?
Thank you for what is likely to be a life-saving post. I've never seen a thirty-year chip before, so thanks for posting a picture of one, and, congratulations. "One day" after another sure adds up. As a licensed counselor here in Illinois, my work in addictions has involved directing many persons to AA. You're right when you say AA is not for everyone, but man, does it work for the people who work it.
About the movie clips:
"The Lost Weekend" seems rather dated to me. Although I generally hate remakes, I would argue that one is due in this case, especially since some of the material from the book was untouchable for a Hollywood movie at the time. Of course, these days it would have to be on HBO. Who else would make it?
There is such a trove of movies and videos with this topic! I would certainly recommend some others. It's shame that you don't have a clip from "My Name is Bill W." with James Woods and James Garner (another TV movie). That one moved me to tears. Trying to imagine the power of the idea, and how it has helped millions, is overwhelming. (And the fact that James Woods can move you to tears is also somewhat overwhelming!)
My favorite Woody Allen movie also deserves a clip. While "Hannah and her Sisters" was not a movie about alcoholism, per se, that WAS what it was about. At the time it was released, I do not recall seeing anyone discuss the film from the point of view of it's being a primer for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I'm sure that you are at least somewhat aware of the emotional problems and family roles that are played out by the children of alcoholics. (I speak from personal experience on this one.) The three daughters' personalities and behaviors eerily match up with the patterns of ACOAs. And the Barbara Hershey character's affair with Michael Caine recreates the familiar chaos of her childhood. I don't know if Woody Allen did any research into ACOAs as he was writing the script, but it was an absolutely perfect piece of writing on the topic.
Then there's "Stuart Saves his Family." Funny? Yes. Heartbreakingly sad? Yes. Personal, encouraging, and uplifting? Yes, yes, and yes. It seems to me that "Stuart" is what a really good AA meeting is like. You stated that you wondered about how you could be helped by some of the types of people who attend AA meetings. Al Franken has said the same thing, and has explained that he developed the character with that in mind...someone you would think of associating with in real-life, yet who is caring and full of wisdom.
Finally, an episode of Ellen DeGeneres' "The Ellen Show." This was her series that was cancelled after one season, but which I think was the funniest. Her character had moved from a big city, back in with her mother (Cloris Leachman) who lived in a small town. She was used to drinking good coffee in the city, and had to start attending AA meetings in the small town because it was the only place in the county that had quality coffee. Not hard to guess whether the writer of that episode was an FOB.
Peace.
I spent my high school years staying away from parties where alcohol was involved. Its not so much that i thought alcohol was bad, i just always thought getting drunk was a tremendous waste of time. Though, it did get difficult, most kids in my school drank, and i spent many a lonely night by myself in my room. My loneliness did give me time to think, however, so i guess i'm all the better for it.
Mr. Ebert,
Thank you. My father has been in AA for about 3 years less than you and while he's done well with it, I've never known much about the program -- except that my father made some good friends through it and that it helped him start down a long road of healing many ills -- alcoholism being only the first problem. To put it lightly, I'm thankful and proud of what he's done. Your piece has helped me get a glimpse into something that has been profoundly influential in my dad's life and I can't tell you how grateful I am. Thank you for sharing.
I've admired your writing for awhile, but haven't felt particularly compelled to communicate with you until this post. This is a good piece, and it made me a little bit uncomfortable (which is a sign of good writing).
It's funny, because as I read this I was finishing up my first glass of brandy and considering going back for seconds. I don't drink regularly, so I've got a happy little feeling going on. I was thinking about a second glass, but I'm going to stop here now. When you're drinking, everything seems like a sign.
Thanks.
thank you, once again, roger. again, again.
of course, you and your writing are very much like the films that you have earned your living talking about.
like the finest of them, it startles us with wonderful surprises throughout, and grants us glimpses of unexpected places, which often both dazzle and enrich us.
joseph campbell might have had a proper name for this.
"magic" will suffice. -g
Thank you for sharing this. It is beautifully written. I am going to pass it on to my brother and maybe it will take.
Mr. Ebert, thank you for violating the 11th tradition. You couldn't possibly get loaded on pain medication post surgery, so there is of course no chance of relapse for someone like yourself who is different from thousand of others. Every time I read about another celebrity violating the 11th tradition I want to puke. The arrogance is breathtaking. Thanks for mentioning "one day at a time" and the '24 hr reprieve" - Oh you didn't. Sorry. Oh you mentioned 30 years. Well how did you get there? Your mention of what is said in the rooms stays in the rooms is of course true. Don't you think someone can find out who the anchor was on the news show with you? Don't you think the stories you mentioned even without the names might have been told to non-AA people as well, thereby outing the people whose stories you tell from the rooms? Dear God sir, shut your trap. Review movies. It is enough. Thank god you are alive. You do not have to sell AA to anyone. Enough already. I have 22 years and this is becoming a huge problem here in L.A. with celebrities using the same crap rationalization you are using - "I have ____yrs. sober. I couldn't possibly get loaded. Let me tell you how great the program is." Just follow the traditions.
Ebert: Did you miss the part about how I am now physically unable to drink?
It is possible that the people accusing AA of being a cult could be confusing it with Narconon which is affliated with the church of Scientology.
Bravo for this Roger; well done. Moving. And yes, I'll think about it.
ANNE
Roger E. I knew there was something about you I liked!
Steve N. 10-25-75
Nice Job
I didn't get it until 1984 now when I am asked to share with someone 40 or 50ish they say you stopped when you were so young.
You echo what so many have found,
You know I have enjoyed you for years.
I now wonder is it because sober drunks have so much appreciation?
In looking back
I could hear it in you reviews
Thanks
JM
Mr. Ebert,
I am a 19 year old college student and for as long as I can remember I've sworn by your reviews. If there's a movie my family and I are not 100% positive we want to see, we say to each other, "Well, what did Roger Ebert give it?" I love hearing your opinions (so articulate, so emotional, so wonderful) on both movies and personal issues. I've luckily never had alcoholism in my life, whether it be through a friend, family member, or myself, and reading your story makes me even more determined to never let it enter my life. Thank you for sharing your gift of writing. Reading your reviews and blogs makes me feel inspired every day...it's one of the main reasons I am majoring in journalism.
Thank you,
Mia
PS: Any chance of you making an appearance at the New York Film Festival September 25th - October 11th? I know you don't travel much, I was just wondering. :)
I am a person in long-term recovery which means I have not taken a drink or a drug in over 13 years. Thank you for this post. I am eternally grateful for the existence of AA. The 12 Step program, the people, and the principles have changed my life and the lives of those who know and love me. I believe that we need to share the hope of recovery with others, in and out of the rooms of AA. There are ways to advocate for recovery without breaking the AA rules of anonymity. There are countless individuals, families and communities that can benefit from hearing that recovery is possible. The only way anyone will receive this message is if we talk about it.
The traditions are there for a reason.
Roger,
This was most fascinating to me. I do drink but do not have a problem with it. The reason this so fascinated me is that I knew an alchoholic in my college days and his girlfriend mentioned to me that he was amazed at my drinking. That I could simply stop, even refuse a free round. Then I read the quiz and saw the question about envying how others drink. While I cannot understand how people cannot just stop I do recognize that some people simply get to the point where they can't. That it is a disease. Congratulations on your sobriety, I hope someone sees it and goes to AA.
Roger, I did indeed read that section. I am talking about post-surgery pain meds which as you know has led to thousands of folks becoming addicted and/or relapsing. But that is not even my point. My point is that the justification you use for violating the 11th tradition - that it is 12 step work - is preposterous. We here in Hollywood have had to listen to this celebrity blather for the past 5-7 years. Some celebs are even spokespeople for rehabs. Its enough already, sir.
Ebert: I agree. But we hear all the time from idiot celeb creatures and high-profile relapsers, and never from the countless who are successfully sober. I have remained anonymous for 30 years. In my condition, it is physically impossible for me to drink. That may not be an excuse for violating the 11th tradition, but it's my reason.
Roger E.,
Your post has given me goose bumps. 5 years ago tomorrow (8/26/04), unbeknownst to myself, I took my last drink at the young age of 21. That night, in the midst of a blackout, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. Because of my drinking, and the depression that came with it, I had quit everything I had ever started: romantic relationships, jobs, and school (both high school and community college). I did not check myself into the hospital to quit drinking, however, I did so because I wanted to die, and I had wanted to die for so many years. A nurse in the hospital, one who had seen me in my drunken stupor when I checked in, handed my a "Big Book" and told me I might want to read it. Although I accepted the book, I had no intention of actually reading it. However, the days in the hospital were long and boring, and the only book I brought (Jonathen Franzen's *The Corrections*) was too depressing. So one day I finally cracked open the big book. The first thing I read was chapter 3, "More About Alcoholism". I believe my intent was to prove that I was not an alcholic, but instead what I found was myself on every page. At first I was horrified. I am an alcholic! Oh no. But then, as I continued to read the Big Book, I realized that there was a solution to my problem. Finally, a solution. A wave of relief came over me. There are people who feel just as I do, alone in a room full of people, purposeless and desperate, the drink providing the only relief. But these same people have found something to live for. Maybe I can too. And I did.
Now, your post hit home for many reasons, not just because you are a recovering alcoholic like myself. Since getting sober I got myself back in school. In June I finally graduated and am currently following my dreams of becoming an academic. In order to pursue this dream, however, I have had to move away from my support group back home where I got sober in order to go to graduate school. I am now living in College Station, Texas where I know no one. Except,of course, in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. My AA birthday is tomorrow, and I have yet to make any friends here. I am a bit homesick and miss my homegroup. Reading your post reminded me of a ritual my sponsor and I used to have. Every week we would get together and watch "Ebert and Roper at the Movies." He and I fashioned ourselves as film buffs. We would meet for an hour. The first half hour we would spend talking about sobriety, the second watching your show and discussing the reviews during the commercial breaks. Afterwards we would go to a meeting. It was not your typical sponsor/sponsee get-together, but it kept me sober. And I looked forward to it every week. Of course, now that I know that you are a friend of Bill W.'s, it all seems so perfect.
Anyway, I want to say thank you for helping me stay sober all these years. Without my sobriety I have nothing. And thank you for posting this, giving me pause to think back on "what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now." I feel oh so fortunate for my sobriety, and all the gifts it has brought to my life. Also, happy 30th birthday!
I personally drink between 5-14 beers a day and i feel great. There is a big difference between drinking lots o beer and pounding shots of liquor. The liquor swiller is depressed and wants his buzz quickly. The beer drinker sees life as a long stretch of highway which is gonna take awhile to travel. Beer after beer he gradually approaches the apex, the capitol city fading in across the horizon. His buzz doesnt consist of gutters and blue haired women. It is a buzz of grassy plains and baseball games, of summer nights and starry skies.
Hi Roger Ebert,
Your words are encouraging. I grew up watching and reading your movie reviews - if there was any hint that you were an alcoholic, I sure did not see it.
I am currently struggling with dealing with my own alcohol dependence. I can count possibly 3 days in the last 8 years that I did not drink. I am terrified of admitting to my family, friends, employer, and MD that I might need help. Funny thing is, with the exception of my employer, I bet they all KNOW about my dependence.
I cannot fathom entering a 28 day detox program - that will never happen for me. I have attended a few on-line AA meetings, but I have not physically attended an AA meeting.
What is it about AA meetings that encouraged you to remain sober? The on-line meetings I attended were mainly speaker meetings, which is great. They made me weep, but did not make me want to be sober.
Congrats on your birthday, Roger. I've been a fan of you for half my life, and sober for almost two. Great summary of the power of the program!
Congratulations on 30 years!! I saw you at a meeting in Paris long ago, and that alone made me appreciate your movie reviews all the more. It meant a lot then and means a lot now to know that you are 'one of us'...
Ebert: The American Church!
Reply to: Because alcoholism is a disease it means that someone can be a recovering addict for 50 years but cannot go back to casual drinking, as the effect of the drink will, more or less, be the same as it was 50 years before.
Maybe the worst part about AA is that it makes you think you're doing all you can, when in truth, you're doing nothing to cure the disease.
Go find a psychology department at a University that knows how to run an experiment using electrical shocks.
Attach the wires to your hand. The Trained Operator has a switch and a way to turn the current up or down. Keep the controls where you can't see them.
Over a period of several weeks, pour various kinds of drinks. Every time you reach for one, the Operator gives you an electrical shock. Sometimes a light one, sometimes a powerful one.
You CAN alter the "reward value" of reaching for a drink. If you want to stop drinking, get to the point where you think about that electrical shock whenever you see or think of a drink.
Reply to: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
The AA philosphy is close to the Worst of All Possible Answers.
You have to take responsibility for your own drinking. If you want to stop, get some help and stop. At the beginning, having a long history of drinking, all you think about are the "fun times." Change the pattern. Train yourself to be afraid of drink.
And then, you won't be an Alcoholic any more. I don't think you're one now. If you haven't had a drink since 1979, you don't have a compelling addiction any longer.
That's the second worst part about AA. Refusing to admit that people can CHANGE.
Scientology does a less-painful variation of this using questions and E-meters. You want to alter the reward pattern in your brain, so that even after you've had one or two martinis, you never forget to remember "I'm tired of being a drunk."
Just because it's "accepted wisdom," that doesn't mean it's true. Is it worth going through hell to achieve a victory over addiction? That's the only decision you have to make - and then, follow through. Make that automatic connection in your mind, so that every time you reach for that drink, you the memory of that pain kicks in. (As I said, you need an expert who knows how this works, to avoid giving yourself a heart attack. Michael Jackson paid a cardiologist $150,000 a month to help him sleep, and look what happened. The fool waited 82 minutes to call paramedics and get Jackson to a facility with the right equipment to save his life.)
Ebert: Your electric shock treatment is unlikely to win many customers. What does it do, torture me into switching from scotch to Miller Lite?
How would a "cure" be defined? Sounds to me a little like electro-shocking a guy who has only one lung left to start smoking less.
AA has no opinion on theology, and wisely does not require belief in God. Your brand of atheism is so adamant it reminds me of fundamentalism.
bill wilson must be spinning like a rotisserie in his grave. my fellow recovering friend. this is not what AA was supposed to turn into. you share your'e stength and experience with fellow alcoholics not the free world. i feel this does a disservice to the BASIC TRADITIONS which were written expressly for this.
I'm glad for your sobriety which means everything that affects you from the neck up, not only alcohol.
i haven't had a sip of liquor for 16 years, but i have taken an extra pill [perscribed} from time to time.
is that ok or is that a relapse. just curious...
It's rare for someone with your fame to be so open.
My father chose to be sober over 20 years ago and I've always wondered if his alcoholism has been passed on to me. I don't drink very often and rarely more than one beer but it's almost impossible for me to say no. Because of your article I will pray and seek God's wisdom (I know you don't believe in God) on whether I too am at risk.
Thank you for sharing your story and kudos for responding to many of the posts on your blog. I've read them all and it's testament to your character.
Levi
Well, Roger E...
Thank you for the lovely and inspiring essay. It eased my burden on a day when my burden certainly needs some easing. Dr. Schlichter must have been quite a guy. Hell, you must be quite a guy.
You've shared your experience, strength and hope. Your words helped me: They made me feel less alone, they reminded me what a gift I've found in sobriety, they helped me find perspective. As much as I wish I was unique, I know I'm not - and that tells me you probably helped someone else, too. Probably a bunch of people. At the same time, I can't imagine that your beautiful essay caused any harm.
I see that some people are complaining that you "violated the 11th tradition," which says, "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films." OK. I guess the essay isn't in keeping with that tradition. But in breaking a tradition, you proved your point: AA is not a cult. No one's going to kick you out of AA because you chose to share your story. And maybe that particular tradition isn't so helpful. We all know that AA's founders, Bill and Bob, weren't exactly anonymous. And I notice the sky is still up - and I imagine you're still sober. As you pointed out, this essay reads more like a 12th step than anything else, and I sure am grateful for it.
I also see that most comments are supportive and thankful, as I believe they should be. You've done some good today. I imagine we'll never meet in person, but know you have a friend in Los Angeles - a very ordinary guy who congratulates you on your 30 years and who prays for your wellbeing.
I have been sober for thirteen years. I got my wife and kids back. I sponsor four men and go to meetings regularly. AA has given me a life and allowed me to be a part of giving life to others. Thanks, Roger, for sharing.
I knew it! I'm not sure how I knew that you were a member, but as an avid reader of your reviews, journal entries, and commentary--it must have somehow surfaced. I do believe that recovering alcoholics and addicts often share an unspoken bond--an embrace of life's wonders. How could we not, after struggling through such a morass?
I no longer attend meetings. I got sober when I was 19 and my addictions of choice (as if I browsed through some vice catalog) were marijuana and pills. I am now 31 and eternally grateful to AA for reshaping my understanding of who I am truly am.
The miraculous secret of the 12 steps is that they are applicable in all one's affairs. Sobriety almost becomes a secondary benefit of enjoying such a grand new outlook on life. My friends at the time said I was being brainwashed. My response, "I suspect my brain could use a bit of cleansing."
Thanks for sharing. If your entry enabled even a single person to take the leap into recovery, it was well worth breaking your anonymity. I, however, am posting under a pseudonym.
Thank you for this, more than you know. I takes a lot, especially for someone with your status to come clean not just in the rooms but in a space where you open yourself to criticism.
I've had a range of emotions about AA and coming to terms with my own alcoholism since 2007. Now, I love meetings-- an hour a day for 23 hours of sobriety? Good grief, why did I ever resist? The best thing I've learned is that you find a way to make your higher power and your program work for you. Everyone has their own way of staying sober but when I resisted meetings or stereotyped them, it was just an excuse. Keep coming back; it works if you work it!
congratulations to everyone here who wrote about their recovery, wonderful to read. i think people who have suffered addiction and recovered really see life, sober life, as special.
congratulations to everyone here who wrote about their recovery, wonderful to read. i think people who have suffered addiction and recovered really see life, sober life, as special.
Thanks for sharing, Roger. I think too much anonymity can be a dangerous thing. Silence keeps the cycle of abuse going, so in my own life, I've tried to speak up when I've felt there might be someone able and willing to listen. When minds are closed, there's less chance of being heard, so I try to speak up only when I hope that I might do some good.
I read in some AA book or other that the alcohol itself is just a tiny fraction of the problem. I decided that in my own case, since the rest of the problem was so enormous, I'd better get to work if I was ever going to find some sanity and hope. Years of therapy and counseling helped me figure out what a normal life is supposed to be all about, and to realize that my body just does not cope well with alcohol. My mom died quite young, and my dad wrecked his health, both because of their drinking habits. Along the way, my sister and I grew up not having any meaningful understanding of what a healthy or normal existence might be about. Alcohol, hangovers and all the assorted manipulative behaviors were normative, so it took a lot of work for me to figure out where normal boundaries are, what stability and peace can be.
In my view, health problems of every sort (not just addictions or mental illnesses) can be extremely isolating. Others can be harshly judgmental, and quite vocal in their disdain of any flaw they perceive in others. It's easy to feel as though you're the only one in the world who's ever gone through whatever it is, and so difficult to acknowledge that there are reasons to cling to hope. Giving up is easy. Finding a better way can seem impossible, especially if you're not much good at planning for the future even when you're sober.
Patience and courage do pay off.
Soberly trudging the road of destiny is pretty much the only way, at least for me, even if I don't follow the AA path.
P.S. For those who may not realize, the 'trudging the road' image that has been mentioned in this discussion several times comes from an AA book. I still remember an AA meeting when someone else went off on an hilariously funny rant about how they didn't want to trudge anywhere at all, thankyouverymuch. Still makes me smile.
Roger,
Hollywood Mark needs to chill out. Your purpose is clear and honorable. We need to hear about long term sobriety from high profile individuals. It helps those both in and out of the program. God bless you and Hollywood Mark, too...:-)
the utter desperation and sense of immense doom that were verbalized by me in the last days of drinking were talking to another friend,and he expressed the wish that he could construct a sentient machine. Before I had time to stop myself, I blurted out "What if it didn't like you?" Because that's what my first thought would have been: my creation would reject me. I couldn't stop drinking and I couldn't stop NOT drinking. If you would have had asked me, I would have told you the the Pillar of Salt was punished by being turned into a WOMAN.
I'm sober three and a half years now and people actually describe me as an optimist. Recovery is a gift from the gods!
Mahalo for this post. I concur with the others that you are a seminal writer of not just movie reviews.
I'm a twenty-something that's also currently going through some self-evaluation. I've recently been arrested for a DUI and although the punishment is relatively light, it's a serious enough offense to make me take a hard look at myself and why I've let alcohol control me the way it does.
It's hard for me, a Western-raised boy from an Asian family of heavy drinkers. Drinking was the only time my father and I have truly bonded. We drank together at an early age, and I feel I have subconsciously tricked myself into believing that drinking is the only way I can connect with others.
Having realized that, I need to think for myself. Thank you for giving me yet another reason for pause to think.
Thank you so much for writing this.
I am surrounded on all sides by alcoholism. Its in my family and I'm certain that I have great potential myself as a drunk, however, having had diabetes since I was quite young, I never got a chance to get started, the grace of god is a mysterious thing.
3 years ago a beloved friend died of alcoholism. I watched him spiral downward until the day he had a seizure from which he didn't recover. I was the one who found his body in his apartment which was full of empty beer cans. He was a gifted, beautiful, intelligent person and he was utterly helpless and in pain and it remains the saddest loss I have ever suffered. He had had periods of sobriety, had been to AA, knew how to get to a meeting, and yet couldn't find a way there, for whatever reason. I believe he is not in pain anymore.
I still am convinced that AA saves lives, and sustains through community and through tradition, and yes, through a mysterious higher power.
Thank you for this. I hope your next entry will be on smoking. My brother used to sneak to 7-11 at the age of 12 and buy cigarettes. My mother stormed up to the 7-11 counter one day and threatened the worker that if he ever sold her son a pack of cigarettes again, she would have him arrested.
My brother is 35 and has been smoking like a chimney since age 12. I bought him "The Easy Way To Quit Smoking" book, a big box of Nicorette, and RenewLife Smokers' Cleanse Kit. He yelled at me for wasting $75 on him and told me that I need to stop pushing myself on people.
I've already lost a sister to brain cancer. Today I read a Yahoo news report that 1/3 to 1/2 of smokers will die of lung cancer. They live an average of 15 years less than nonsmokers.
If I were Obama, I'd completely ban cigarettes in America, and then we'd have enough money for everyone's health care.
I spend a lot of time worrying about my brother. Do people with addictions realize the stress and sorrow they cause to those who know them?
Well, among the flurry of Great Pains in the Ass I encountered as clients who were alcoholics over a few years, was a man who never drank liquor, just a couple-three sixpacks of beer a day. He'd bring them to the studio.
I am 200% certain he did not realize what a pain in the ass he was, cristos. 'nuff said. Unless you want to hear about the beer-lady who was up dancing at 3 a.m. in my apt., howling along with the disco music in her headphones, me having to get up at 5.
Thank you for this essay. I have been sober 91 days today, the longest I have ever been sober since I was 14 years old. It certainly hasn't been easy. I resisted AA because I thought it was hokey. However, for some reason hearing respectable people tell the same story, makes me feel a little less shameful about my own story. I am going to keep going to meetings and making sobriety my number one priority because if I don't, I know I will drink myself to death. Your sobriety gives me hope. Thank you for sharing.
Community! I think this blog entry illustrates beautifully how an individual can feel so powerful surrounded by a community. And community doesn't have to be where you live or work; it can be as temporary and changing as an elevator ride. It is wherever you enjoy a sense of belonging, a membership in something bigger and more powerful than you. I remember being on an elevator with a group of smiling ladies from the office above mine, enjoying their jazzy talk about Sam Cooke, about what's their favorite Sam Cooke songs, and when they asked me if I'd ever heard of Sam Cooke, and I said of course, and "Another Saturday Night" is my favorite, the look on their faces, the gleeful surprise in their laughter: Oh yes, something happened on the ride up that I can't call anything other than Community.
I'm not an alcoholic, and I've never had the honor of being at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, but I can imagine how it would really let someone put his problem out on the table and get a good grip on it, with a little help from some friends.
Beautiful, Roger!
I grew up watching Siskel & Ebert and have always read your reviews faithfully- I'm so happy to know you are "one of us," and definitely worth breaking your anonymity.
This is definitely attraction, not promotion at its best. I'm 27 years old, have been clean and sober almost four years. I LOVE that Ann Landers wasn't allowed into a closed meeting, just like a group of drunks! Now they all have a story to tell.
I've met some of the most amazing, successful, beautiful and interesting people in the rooms. But of course, we're all just a group of drunks- including frickin' Roger Ebert! So cool.
Thanks again
Thank you. My dad was in the military, which encouraged drinking. I used to hate it when they came in after I had gone to bed, apologizing and breathing fumes on me. Then when I was 19 I went off on my own and did the very same thing. I remember seeing 'Days of Wine and Roses' and thinking I would never be like that. I am now 64 and am not like that. I never drive drunk, but I skate close to the edge of other behavior. My niece has been in AA for 20 years (since she was 17) and I don't like her earnest self-congratulation. But your blog and 194 posts show that I need something.
As a movie fan, Chicagoan, two time attendee of your film festival (Robert Forster was a great guest BTW), and fellow reformed drinker aka AA member, I appreciate the reviews that you write. I don't always agree of course, but I always look forward to seeing what you have to say about movies I'm excited about. Or the ones that I know will stink.
Today, I wanted to see what you had to say about "Inglorious Basterds." I'm excited for that one. And before that I knew you would have something to say about "Transformers 2" that would be infinitely more creative than that stinker. I had no desire to see that.
Lastly, I just want to say that the class and character you have shown through your career and work ethic, love of films, and battles against sickness continue to be an inspiration.
And the only way I'll watch a "Transformers 3" is if Harmony Korine directs.
I would think that after 30 years, he would know something about the 11th Tradition. Oh well.
Shouldn't the title be "My Name is Roger, and I WAS an alcoholic". Unless you believe that once a alcoholic means always a alcoholic.
Also, shouldn't a true A.A (past or present) member post as "Anonymous" person if they are claiming to be alcoholics. I hope you will not consider it rude if anyone does not use their name in this thread !!!!!!
Ebert: I am an alcoholic who did not drink today.
A wonderful description of AA. I just picked up a first year chip. It is a program of hope, and I'm so glad I finally found my way into a meeting. I had become a miserable drinker.
On the 11th tradition: It's my understanding that the tradition refers to AA itself. One can out one's self as a member of AA. I would certainly share my experience in AA with an active alcoholic if she or he seemed willing to listen, and I don't think Roger's essay is much different.
Mr. Ebert!
Thank you! I have been in program and sober for over 24 years. Your 30 years is an inspiration! Also, thank you for writing about your staying in AA. I can't tell you how many times I've heard (and you've probably heard it more) about people who stopped going to meetings and picked up. The lucky ones got back to the rooms to tell their story. Thank you so much for helping another alcoholic!
Mr. Ebert!
Thank you! I have been in program and sober for over 24 years. Your 30 years is an inspiration! Also, thank you for writing about your staying in AA. I can't tell you how many times I've heard (and you've probably heard it more) about people who stopped going to meetings and picked up. The lucky ones got back to the rooms to tell their story. Thank you so much for helping another alcoholic!
Thanks for speaking out, Roger, and congratulations on 30 years one-day-at-a-time! The more that people see recovery in action, the better. I, too, am blessed with the gift of sobriety and I am grateful every day for the good things that are now in my life. I made the decision a few years ago to be "out" about being in recovery b/c there are too many images of the "mess" of addiction out there - there needs to be many more positive examples of what recovery means not only for us but for our families and communities as well. Thanks again!
By airhead on August 25, 2009 2:08 PM
...Rogert Ebert is pompous,overblown and overated.Who cares about his struggles... Ebert is seeking admiration and accolades for his problems,only because he is prominent and a celeb...big deal! ...
It's a paycheck, though, isn't it Roger?
Is that Chet again?
Ebert: :)
Reading through the comments I'm only finding one grumpy AA complaining about you breaking your anonymity. That's pretty good.
Congratulations on 30 years! I'm right behind you - Class of '81. And may God (as you understand him or her) bless you and keep you.
Ebert: A lot more than one.
Your reason for breaking the tradition is nonsense. Everyone who breaks it has some "reason". However, from what I've observed, most alcoholics who break it, break it for one reason only: Ego. The founders of AA put this in place to protect the program of AA. There is no "good" reason for breaking it, other than you believe that it's something you don't have to honor, because apparently you (and your ego)are bigger than the traditions.
Mr. Ebert
Been sober for 24 years, most of my adult life-to this day old friends wonder "can't you just have one"..no can do. I love the program of Alcoholic Anonymous. That's the simple truth. Something greater than myself restored my sanity and one day at a time, continues to do so. The thought of reframing my thinking, going back to "the way it was" hold no romance for me. While some of my friends seem to struggle with my alcoholism, I am comforted by the fact that I do not.
Thank you Roger Ebert for your posting-one more drunk livin' the good life, such as it is for each one of us, SOBER..
PS. I have always been a fan, and now, a really big fan.
I don't think you violated the 11th tradition at all. I've always heard that it's about making sure that no one is pressured into the program. How can a blog pressure anyone to do anything?
I'm so awed by your accomplishment, Mr. Ebert. After everything that you've been through over the years, it's mind-boggling to me that you could have remained sober. I recently celebrated my 19th belly button birthday and my 5 month sobriety date. It's been incredibly hard, but incredibly rewarding. Like they say, ours is a progressive disease. The beautiful thing about sobriety is that it keeps getting better.
My father, who is not an alcoholic, once gave me a parable about addiction, which I'll paraphrase for you now. "If I were in an empty room, with a book and a beer, I'd pick up the book." That's always defined, for me, the difference between those who are addicts and those who are not. In that room, in that scenario, I can't imagine NOT picking up the beer. One is too many, one hundred is never enough.
Thank you for this entry.
Roger,
This is the best, most eloquent, entertaining, and educational post of any kind I've ever read. You are now officially on my heroes list. We need more transparent people of high profile.
Best,
Julia
Thank you Roger. I think you may have been a tipping point in my life.
Thank you, and thank you again.
Thanks so much! I will celebrate 9 months tomorrow. I was divorced last year because of my drinking....so the "Days of Wine and Roses" has a special poignancy for me. But I'm sober and moving on with my life. I love AA and the people in them who struggle with this disease. I really appreciate your honesty and your praise of AA. I think it is a truly divinely-inspired program.
Dear Roger,
Thank you for your truth and for having the courage to state it. I love your work and appreciate you as a brother in recovery. I can't do this by myself, and I sure can't do it only with people who do exactly what I do.
I intend to keep coming back. And it sounds like you will too.
Bless you,
Another Bill
I quote from the the 11th tradition..."Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films." I believe this includes endorsements my noted personalities.
I would greet Rogert as a fellow member of alcoholic anonymous, but I believe I should not endorse his self oration on sobriety....gordy, vancouver bc canada.
Wow. What bold and honest writing! It's encouraging, kind, and thought-provoking. I have been involved in assisting others in recovery for many years.
Your reviews of films such as Drugstore Cowboy, Requiem for a Dream, and particularly Barfly have always struck a chord with me. You have such great insight. Thank you for sharing it.
Dr. Schlichter must have been an amazing doc!
Mr. Ebert:
By coincidence, I was just reading the chapter on the 11th tradition in the 12 & 12 today. And I have to say, nowhere in it does it say "If you break this tradition, you're a horrible person."
One of the genuinely beautiful things about AA is how self-created it is. There is a lot in the AA liturgy that people who aren't familiar with it (and some who are) overlook. Like the last sentence in part 1 of "How it Works," which gets read at every meeting I've ever been to, and introduces the 12 steps by saying that they are "suggested as a program of recovery."
There's a lot of power in that word "suggested." Not all by itself, maybe, but in what it represents, a recognition that AA is not how people get sober, it's how the people who founded it got sober. We're making it up as we go along, still. These are suggestions and traditions, not dogma and doctrine, and we read them literally at our peril. (For heaven's sake, the Big Book has an entire chapter entitled "For Wives." Still.)
And as far as the higher power business goes: the God I happen to believe in is, essentially, the God of the book of Job. Praying to this God is a little like asking Alec Baldwin's character in Glengarry Glen Ross what his name is. Asking Him to relieve my defects of character? Please. Where was I when He made the world? So I have to make up my own higher power despite the fact that I have a very strong belief in God. And really, nobody in AA cares about this except me.
I am thirteen years sober and a regular member of AA. I started an anonymous blog this summer that some might find interesting. Take what you need, leave the rest
http://nahcllib.blogspot.com/
This article itself is a violation of at least two of AA's Twelve Traditions.
Not that there is anything unusual about that, AA has long had an unspoken tradition of violating the official ones by getting promotional pieces planted in the media.
I agree with Roger that it can be irritating to watch those with newly found sobriety publicly break anonymity, they should follow the examples of those thirty year old-timers... (seniority doesn't mean anything, right?) Really interesting that Roger later goes on to declare that AA "prides itself on anonymity"...
Apparently, Roger finds it bothersome that criticism of AA can be found on the internet, amazing what happens when an organization can't control it's own publicity like it has for seventy years. If Bill Wilson could have foreseen the advent of the internet, he surely would have included it in the eleventh tradition.
Thanks for sharing Roger, if your blog accomplishes nothing else, it does serve as a confirmation of what AA does best, but most people don't need thirty years to figure out. It may or may not help anyone to stop drinking, but it does a very good of convincing them to give it full credit for their accomplishments.
Dr. Schlichter would say you're a mensch.
He'd be right.
Thank you SO much for this piece. It encompasses so much that so many (both converts AND detractors) can learn and take solace from. It's a beautiful and generous thing you've done. I'll spare readers my personal angle, except to say that you speak the truth as eloquently and reassuringly as I could ever have hoped to hear it. Congratulations and of course, thanks also for all your great output over the years.
A dear friend linked me to your article. I sponsor him in A.A. He has 29 years of continous sobriety. You and I share possesion of that medallion with three Xs on it. In my early sobriety I seem to never have had doubts about this program working—the second meeting that I attended had five people welcome me by name without introducing myself. I later met several others that I had drank with or were there when. I developed an interest in all aspects of the history of A.A. and have found that by continuing to learn more about this program and the people in I can speak to the critics of it intelligently, but much more importantly I can share the experience, strength and hope that I have been so unselfishly been given to others—to the still suffering alcoholic. I recently re-read a very short article by one of the two men who brought A.A. to Minnesota in 1940 from Chicago. He had just a few months of sobriety in A.A. himself and eventually passed on with over 50 years of sobriety. He had stated that, at that point he was no longer working the steps (of the program) and that not drinking and going to meetings was enough. Funny thing, the principles from those steps can become ingrained in you to the point of becoming your second nature. Thank you.
p.s.
I would be remiss if I did not comment on your line "A "cult?" How can that be, when it's free, nobody profits and nobody is in charge? A.A. is an oral tradition reaching back to that first meeting between Bill W. and Doctor Bob in the lobby of an Akron hotel." It was actually at the "gatehouse" of the Seiberling Estate in Akron where they had their first meeting. The message board in the hotel led Bill W. through people that put him in touch with Doctor Bob.
Roger, I am in awe of what you have written here. Congratulations on your 30 years of sobriety. And thank you for a window into understanding how AA works. I didn't know that there were meetings every day of the week.
Ebert: And in AA club houses, many hours of the day and night.
Terrific Roger-- I needed a meeting and here it was. And there is sharing, too. And Happy 30th Birthday.. As you know, the only problem with getting to thirty is that it takes 30 years... And thanks for all your words on the movies, too. I loved Chicago- worked there for WSNS and the White Sox a hundred years ago. Good people, great bars ! Ah to have been young and wild in Chicago in the 70's was a movable feast..
Hey Roger,
My sponsor told me not to go to any meetings where they hand out chips, bells, whistles and cakes because I didn't do anything. It was so typical of AA today, to read the whole blog & not read once, not one time, what God has done for you. I know, it's personal and you don't want to scare off any newcomers. But hey, what is AA's recovery statistic? 5% get clean & sober? That's why-because the agnostics & atheists have taken over & they have no POWER. The cornerstone has been removed from AA and it's a shame. It says, in how it works, "There is One who has all power, that One is God- may you find Him now." I think just a small testimony, a tiny witness to mention that it was God's mercy that you stayed sober for the last 30 years would have been too much for you. Because I guess that's how it works with you-you did it. As for me, and a lot of other drug addicts & drunks, we know that we were beyond human aid until we had an entire physic change. A leper can’t change its spots. An Ethiopian can’t change his skin color. And an alcoholic/drug addict/gambler/gossiper/adultress/whatever you're a slave to cannot stop drinking on his own. It doesn’t matter whether you believe it or not-it’s the truth. Self help is the biggest scam going. Look at the best seller lists, full of them. The only way to stop drinking is to change your mind-a renewing of your mind. And only God can perform this action. God only, Jesus Christ, not Buddha or Mohammed or a group or a meeting or a doorknob or a tree. No power. The biggest lie in AA and it’s a lie from the pits of hell is, “Don’t drink & go to meetings.” Meetings do not have any power-it’s temporary for an hour or so you probably won’t drink-maybe. But hey-“meeting makers make it.”
Ebert: I've never been to a meeting where there were no chips or cakes.
Right after the quote you provide it says, "as we understand him." Not everyone may understand a Higher Power in the way you do.
So let me get this straight. You got sober the right way, and I did it the wrong way? Did your sponsor ever speak to you about taking someone else's inventory?
Read the link I provided and you will find the AA recovery rate is much higher than 5%.
I wonder if Western Europeans would be alive, let alone advanced in relation to the rest of the world today, were it not for drink; and the audacity 'bravery' and recklessness it engenders?
Cholera and other bacterial infections were held at bay with whiskey, wine and beer; even children drink wine in France. The Romans in contrast, I've heard, perhaps lost their empire to the habit of drinking wine from lead poisoned containers.
I must say, I wouldn't deny people their drink -- but I've seen it kill people too. It's not pretty.
I understand that John Calvin was beer drinker and wonder if the reformation would have happened without it? Do you think it possible the audacity of conquest and colonialism could have been accomplished without a good snort of whiskey or rum.
Could good Christian soldiers set out as they did on Crusades without liquor? Seemed the British gave the soldiers a good shot of gin at battles like Waterloo.
Drink does lower impulse control; but perhaps imbibing can be thanked by as many for being just the catalyst for opportunity, as it turns into wife beaters and killers into wrecked lives.
I understand Winston Churchill, Norman Mailer, and more recently Mel Gibson, with a string of great movies, were all reckless drinkers -- can you say it ever did you any good in the early days, Mr. Ebert?
Being intoxicated puts a whole new spin on personal relations too; and the bar to this day is a place where the European mammals find mates and discuss great business plans. I think Van Gogh's (a real drunk), painting of a bar is a wonderful work of art, as was his self portrait the morning after.
I agree with many posters though. Nobody is quite so obnoxious as one who is intoxicated, I've even caught myself on a few occasions in that really common state of mind. Certainly, people can find other ways to be just as intolerable, though, without any drink or drugs whatsoever.
Ebert: Few get to be alcoholics without the feeling that a drink or a pub can be a pleasure. But those who are alcoholics have to forego that pleasure.
My son sent me this blog from Venezuela. He was 8 years old when I entered the rooms of AA 19+ years ago! He is a huge supporter and went to over 1,000 meetings as a young boy. He credits AA with 'breaking the chain' of alcoholism in our family. What is a 28 year old in working in South America doing reading your blog?? I guess he heard alot of things in those rooms that has saved his life!! He knows I still attend meetings most every day and work with others. He knows where to find help for himself or others if indeed they should ever need to find the rooms. Thank you so much for your story!
I recently read the AA book. I am not an alcoholic, but I found its discussion on resentment very personally liberating. It had never occurred to me before that at the heart of a lot of my resentment was feelings of being out of control.
Thank you and many blessings to you on your 30th AA Birthday. I celebrated my 16th in March 09. I was indeed, "rocketed into a 4th dimension" of a new way of life. I got it at the Mustard Seed and the Church of the Atonement in Edgewater and various places all over the Chicagoland area. I live in Lake County now and know that the program is my design for living that got through to me as nothing else had. It is a powerful and loving way of life and I'm grateful to have found it. Thank you for your 12th step essay, it gladdened my spirit and made me smile that AA grin of being a friend of Bill W. and Doctor Bob.
Roger,
I have been reading your reviews for many years and have always loved your writing.
As an alcoholic in early recovery, I am honoured and delighted to have the benefit of your essay on this subject - and the benefit of your sobriety.
Recovery is a tough gig, but drinking is a season in hell.
In the three months I've been in AA I've experienced that happy miracle of learning to cope with myself. I would never have made it this far without the unconditional love and support of AAs.
Thank you for being part of my family. Your sobriety is a gift to us all.
xxxx
If you knew for certain you would die tomorrow, wouldn't you still want to get awe-inspiringly hammered just one last time, though?
Ebert: I'd rather die.
Dear Roger--
I've been a fan of yours for many years, but I never knew you were in AA. I'm proud to belong to the same club you do.
Keep on keeping on!
A wonderfully written testimony for those whose ongoing 12th-step is "passing it on' to others. I've recently reached 24-years of remaining clean & sober, only through the Grace of God. As a longtime free-lance broadcast/journalist, I've suplimented my income to provide for my family for over 20-years tending bar "for real money", and passing it on to many others. We'll meet again Roger as I continue toward producing an historical doc about Chicago. Congrats on your 30-years of soberity, your successes and your faith and fight toward improved health. God Bless!
Thanks for your story.
I was a member for 3 years but didn't stay sober until I left AA.
It's there if you need it; however, the program is not for everyone and it is not the only way for an alcoholic to become and stay sober.
Also, later in the steps, the alcoholic is instructed to pray and meditate so that they might discover and carry out God's will. To me, that is religious. As a member you can believe in any God that you want; but you have to believe in a God.
The 11th Tradition is just that, tradition. I take the traditions seriously and try to follow them, but I believe we all have the choice to do what we need to.
I thank you for your essay and I believe it might be of great help to many people, much like the famous Saturday Evening Post article by Jack Alexander.
My understanding of our anonymity is that it protects us from our own egos as much as it protects the program from having fallible representatives. I appreciate that you made no claim to speak for the fellowship and I enjoyed what you shared.
I have never been an alcoholic, but I have had some experience with addiction.
Whatever a person believes about God or AA, I think you should be applauded for your honesty. This does not come across as someone pushing a crusade or "a cure", or is being self-pitying, just as someone sharing their story.
I suppose someone could call it ironic; I just watched Rachel Getting Married immediately prior to reading this blog. That is an amazing movie where anyone who has any sort of issues with either addiction or family can identify PROFOUNDLY! (and after all, how many of us haven't dealt with at least one of of those things?)
I'm sorry that this was so rambling, but I felt a need to share.
the book Alcoholics Anonymous has become the basic text of our Society.
We feel the elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs.
we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body.
We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.
we are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of........
quotes from text book, the book states it so well and specifically
My comment:
when making important decisions we often seek guidance, from Spirit, from elder statesmen in our group, fellow AA's we are working with, Sponsor, GSO, to come to an informed and objective decision.
Anonymity is the Spiritual Foundation. Young members in AA often break their and AA's anonymity because they don't know. We seek to understand, and it comes if we are willing
Thanks for sharing, Roger. I know the amazing mental toughness it takes to continue on your journey. My father died almost 10 years ago as an active alcoholic; alcohol eventually took over his life. Last week was his birthday and I miss him a lot. My father was a highly educated man and I think he believed that going to AA was somehow beneath him--that no one there was like him. At least that was one of his many excuses. I don't think I ever remember him going to meetings for more than about a week at a time. Kudos to you for telling the world that even Roger Ebert has this frailty along with the strength to combat it.
Congratulations, Roger! This is the most courageous, touching blog I've read of yours...and I've been a fan for decades.
I am getting close to 6 months. I'm almost 40. This is the longest I've been sober in my adult life. I couldn't have done it without AA, and I don't think I'll be able to maintain it without AA.
A few months ago, I came across a film on IFC or Sundance - Duane Hopwood. I looked up your review afterwards, and I felt you understood alcoholism from the inside. Especially the denial - the regular people with regular lives in this maddening denial. A gem of a film, and a gem of a review that will be etched in my memory of the early days of my sobriety. A powerful connection. Thank you.
For most of your AA years, were you a meeting-a-day guy?
Thank you.
I presume we all have AA members in our family, like I do. Until now, I had never heard of step 11. I didn't know that there was guidance to help AA members reduce the risk of failure by bruiting about how successful they've been so far, and I guess, by extension, failing to set a good example for others newly on the path.
I just recall being told when I was young and asked about all these meetings that I couldn't go to that it's not polite to discuss other people without their consent. So, I have avoided bragging about the people I knew who made commitments like AA and stuck to 'em.
I am not in AA. I don't know how your perceived violation of a step is any more someone else's business, outside of a meeting, than it is whether or not you are a recovering alcoholic or merely recovering from major surgery.
That said, to those of us outside the program, the scolding over your slip on the steps sounds like any other family disagreement from the den when everyone gets together, and it's pretty loveable - like listening to elderly uncles debate who should have won the ballgame.
I think the standard golden rule applies: you have done for others as you would have done to you. By the way, Stephen King doesn't drink, he wrote, and there's an airline pilot somewhere who might recognize himself in Stephen's review of the song "They Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab...".
Still, no one could put a name to pilot in the story from the story alone, and no one would be surprised to learn that a pilot's license is no shield against alcoholism. I think your scoop/slip that some newsmen from Chicago circa 1970 are in AA is not all that newsworthy, either.
Reading your drinking commentary here actually had me waxing nostalgic for the good old days in Chicago. I am about your age and lived on the near north side of Chicago (right off Wells Street, on Menominee in Old Town) and later on Wellington in New Town. My hangouts, as was those of my friends, were O'Rourkes which was very close to where I lived in Old Town, and Oxford's Pub, when living in New Town. As well as John Barleycorn, Somebody Else's Troubles, Holstein's, etc. I dated Fred for a while, but he kept calling me up in the middle of the night as he kept "pub" hours. Same thing happened when I was dating a trumpet player. He used to keep those samea club hours, out of necessity of course. I needed my sleep as I worked all day.
I would go to the bars to socialize primarily, as I never was big on drinking, as an older adult seldom drink at all, except for the occasional glass of wine with a holiday meal. Remember Sam at O'Rourkes, and hard boiled eggs? There was a whole scene going on in those days, and it was easy to get sucked into it. Old Town school of Folk Music, the Reader, the late night bar scene. I have to admit it was all great fun, and you jogged my much more elderly memory in a positive way as to an exciting, interesting way of life when young. Minus the destructive drinking habits of too many, it was a heady experience for young people in their 20's in the big City back then. I wouldn't want to repeat the experience, but I'm very glad I had it.
So, Roger, is AA a cult or not? Those who have taken offense at your piece sound a lot like cultists, strict members of a highly organized religion, like Roman Catholicism. But hey: You can't imagine--or maybe you can--the fools one has to suffer for a little weekly transubstantiation. In the end, though, salvation is worth it, yes?
Thank you and congratulations Roger.
If I manage not to interfere, Sept 1st will be my 19th year.
I'm still in awe that it works and thrilled at how far and wide it reaches.
I've never seen an effective anonymous 12th step. Perhaps this is the result my personal experience, but empathy is key and can not be impersonal.
I wish you many more trips to the front of the room.
"The word "character" originated from the Greek words meaning "sculpture" and "impression." Character, then, could be thought of that which is shaped or etched. It may be true from a medical perspective that our psychological and physiological traits are generally predetermined genetically. Knowing this, however, adds little to our lives. All that matters is how we can better ourselves here and now."....D.I.
Thanks for the inspirational story. God willing 9/309 will be ten years for me
May I ask why you have chosen not to respond to any of the comments about AA's 11th Tradition?
Ebert: I have.
Aloha Roger,
Dumb question? Why are so many people so horribly cruel concerning your way to sobriety? In the end, you stopped something you recognized as destructive. Does it really matter that some do it on their own, some use a more structured setting such as AA, and others through individual therapy?
Thank you for your honesty and the many years of film reviews. You became my favorite film critic sometime around 1985 or 1986. I seem to have about a 97 or 98% chance of liking a film if you've given it 3.5 to 4 stars...
Mahalo,
Jeffrey
Hey Roger.
My name is [REDACTED], and I'm an alcoholic too. I suspected you were an AA member. Maybe it's our version of Gaydar. I don't know. I hope you've done some good today. I'm troubled a bit by the perhaps unwanted notoriety you might have given some meetings that don't want it by telling that you went there. But then, that's not my business. God (or whatever) bless. Here's to another 30 years. (I'm at 18 months myself, and like you, I haven't wanted a drink since my first meeting. And oh how I needed them before.)
AnyEdge
Thanks for this, Roger.
Regarding the 11th Tradition, I'll remind our readers it's a "tradition", not a rule. But I'd also like to remind you of the 12th Tradition which states that "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities". Still, by citing the 12th Step, I'm sure you gave it a lot of consideration. I hope you talked to your sponsor first.
I got sober in downtown Chicago and remember the Sun Times lunch meetings. I don't recall you there, but I don't recall a lot from early sobriety as I was still scared and the fog had yet to clear.
Yes, AA is theater! One of my favorite speakers is Chip C. who describes in graphic detail how his alcoholism drove him to suicide. He put a gun to his chin an pulled the trigger. He traces the path of the bullet and describes how the blast threw him against a blood stained wall. As we all sit in stunned silence he asks, "What? Did you think I died?" To those who are interested but can't or won't go to a meeting, I suggest Googling "aa speakers".
To the commenters who congratulate you (and by association, us) on sobriety, I can only comment that we didn't do it alone. We can't. We tried. But there is a power in AA, in the meetings, in the 12 Steps, and in sharing "our experience, strength, and hope" that bring about true miracles.
Roger:
We did not elect you to explain AA to the public. And that's how we decide such things. Our literature and public-service announcements are voted on each spring in New York City by elected delegates after the delegates receive input from the groups. Sometimes I'll agree with the group conscience and sometimes I won't, but it is never my place to override it or circumvent it.
Obviously you write well, but that doesn't qualify you to become a public spokesman about the AA program without the consent of the rest of us. Certainly many of us -- perhaps even a majority, if the matter had been put to a vote -- would take issue with the notion that anyone is safe after 30 years without a drink. As someone who celebrates 18 years this month, I've come to believe that the years pile up and do not necessarily indicate a buffer, expertise or respect for the rest of us.
Ebert: I was speaking onky for myself.
I do not think it is safe for an alcoholic to ever drink again.
Still struggling with that humility thing, eh. 30 years sober and still able to convince yourself that the rules don't apply to you. Roger, when you, as a celebrity break your anonymity, you become the defacto public face of A.A. Given your penchant for making an ass out of yourself from time to time this is not a good thing.
Reply to: Ebert: I am an alcoholic who did not drink today.
OK, I'll take a step back, and assume that you know your own state of mind better than I do.
Reply to: Ebert: Your electric shock treatment is unlikely to win many customers. What does it do, torture me into switching from scotch to Miller Lite?
I left out the (too obvious) reference to "A Clockwork Orange." Or, the ancient Romans who tried to discourage heavy drinkers by hiding spiders in their wine cups.
Reply to: How would a "cure" be defined?
http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/pagerender.fcgi?artid=1634168&pageindex=1
Conditioned Reflex Therapy of Alcohol Addiction, from the Shadel Sanitarium for the treatment of chronic alcoholism.
TEXT: this new method establishes a conditioned reflex against alcohol over three to seven days. The patient is given liquor and shortly after is made acutely ill by means of hypodremic injection of a nauseating drug. 538 patients treated by the conditioning process gave a confirmed abstinence rate for four years or longer of 64.3 percent. (1945)
http://journals.lww.com/smajournalonline/Citation/1945/09000/Shock_Therapy_and_the_Conditioned_Reflex.16.aspx
Reply to: AA has no opinion on theology, and wisely does not require belief in God. Your brand of atheism is so adamant it reminds me of fundamentalism.
You're getting the ad hoc "typing out a message on a blog" version. In the longer version, there are more gradations and shades of fanataci... I mean, tolerance.
My background comes from Michigan State University, where national organizations like Campus Crusade for Christ, Intervarsity, and others came looking for new victims. They sent teams of campus pastors who would qualify as "professional liars." They would give "testimony" about their belief in Jesus Christ... and I learned to give MY testimony with equal conviction.
Here's a recent case that demonstrates why "acknowledging a Higher Power" just plain doesn't work.
Dale Neumann
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/world/americas/8180116.stm
Dale's wife: "I have never read a medical book. I do not watch TV and, therefore, have never seen a medical show. I do not know what a coma is... I did not understand what the changes in Kara’s body meant, whether good or bad, so we sought for answers from God. Doctors themselves depend on modern medical equipment to help them develop a diagnosis and determine the condition of a patient after many tests. My leaning is spiritual, so I, along with others, did believe God would supply the answers through prayer."
Their faith in God resulted in the death of their daughter Separate juries found them both guilty of second degree reckless homicide. That's the nonsense I'm trying to oppose. For the most part, I don't make allowance for getting half the answer right.
So, what do you do if you have nothing anyway? What do you do if the booze is the only thing that's real--the only thing that prevents, as Lee Remick said, from the world from looking so ugly? Not because you want to escape from it, but because you deem its better to look through rose colored glasses than properly calibrated spectacles. Is not reality perception? If not, what then? The greatest graft is growing up thinking everything is going to be peaches and cream, and then digging a little deeper and finding maggots in the bowl.
Congratulations, Roger, on Ur 30 years of continuous sobriety !
I'm currently right in there with 'mayla' in the class of '81 and am currently enjoying 28 contiguous years, one day at a time, of not taking a drink of alcohol.
Truth is that the three of us (and the other few million of us in sobriety) are just one drink away from our next drunk. Even truer that that is that today we don't have to take that first drink.
The bottom line for this alcoholic is - ' I been drunk. I been sober. For me, sober is better. ' :- )
This is all interesting. Don't know if you missed the post or withheld it because I named a name, Roger; if you did, fine with me, but in case the latter, I corresponded with one of the AA 12-step developers for years. We had no other reason for this long exchange but fondness -- finally, we had a little falling out about George HW Bush and the rape of Iraq '91 (he'd still bristle at me for that).
In our discussions the issue of God was a metaphysical one, along with philosophical talk about "what people believe." Your description certainly jibes, Rodge, so far as AA policy goes. The God you believe in, or, say, what psychological entity by which one could step outside of oneself and use that perspective to needed benefit.
Thomas Jefferson had a similar problem doing his part in organizing the United States, I think. He probably thought long and hard coming up with the term "Nature's God" in the Declaration of Independence. This would challenge those with the "only version of God" with a reminder of whose God they were talking about. We've forgotten what a clot of virulent squabblers these various new Christian religions were. Henry Adams' history of the U.S. would be a great refresher, and ought be required reading for a whole lot of preachers nowadays. They HATED Jefferson back then.
S. and I used to write about this kind of thing a lot. As much as he like me, he never offered to send me a hood and cape, nor an invitation to a secret initiation. He did say he'd leave me his '76 Cadillac when he died, tho'. I... politely declined.
PS Winston Churchill didn't deliver the famous "Never have so many owed so much to so few" speech. He was too drunk so a well known cartoon mimic stepped into to do it. So wrote David Irving.
I hope this is too personal a question, but were/are you depressive/bi-polar?
Ebert: Luckily, no.
Bipolar disease is a very serious illness and cannot be treated with grapefruit segments. I sincerely hope I didn't seem to be dismissing it. Doc Schlichter, long familiar with me, understood my state of mind at that time.
Hi, Roger. I'm sure AA will survive, even if this was an error on your part. But, my opinion is that more good will probably come of it than harm, for what that is worth to you.
Alcoholism is a disease. Although I've been sober for many years, I know that if I have one drink, I'll break out in a bad case of ambulances and police chases.
I disagree with you absolutely Roger, when you say that we may choose to get cured. True to say that we must make a daily choice to practice the 12 steps, but it was outside grace that saved me (and you) from the insanity of drinking. Grace broke that train of thinking that had you and me snared for so many years. Why us, and not others... I am not privy to that answer. But, when I start to think that I have power over alcohol, without some outside help, I am doomed. I know that you know this, but I'm just pointing it out.
For you agnostics: As laid out in Chp 4 of the Big Book, there is no such thing as an agnostic - just sloppy thinking. We **all** have faith in something at all times. For most people, it is faith in their own reasoning - the "god of reason." For example - when I got up in the morning, I had **faith** that my car would start and that I could get to work in it (therefore I get up at 7:30 am, instead of some other time). The question is not whether to have faith, but understanding that I had been placing faith in my own logic above all else, to my (and many others') extreme detriment. The whole question of who or what to pray to is far less important than having a good grasp of what I just stated.
When I continue to try and manage my life, to have faith in my own powers of logic above all else, things go wrong. The good news is that I can relax and take it easy, since there is an outside grace. What or who or how... not important.
I pray that meetings everywhere fill up today, tomorrow and going forward thanks to this post. This blog astounds me because of you and because of the intelligent, caring discussion that you foster here. Thank you.
I'm not sure how many people here are familiar with nuance and tone, but there's nothing in this piece that even remotely smacks of self-congratulation.
It's just a column by a man who's battled a very serious addiction every moment of every day for 30 years and wants people in a similar situation to know that they have options.
It's not preachy.
It's not vain.
It's just honest.
It's the sort of well-written, open piece that, frankly, organizations like AA could use to help dispel some of the myths surrounding them.
Thanks for sharing, Roger. Congratulations on 30 years of inner strength.
I'm an alcoholic as well. I haven't uttered or written those words in awhile. This was a beautiful reminder that the meetings are still there for folks like me. I think I'll have to go pay one a visit again.
Thanks for your share Roger.
Hi Roger,
Great stuff. I haven't had a drink in 15 years and knew you had been sober for a very long time (from your reviews and essays). I've never been to a meeting but did a ton of soul searching during 25 years of hard drinking. I finally ended up in jail (for the second time) and had had enough. I totally agree with you, whatever works. Coincidentally, I saw the New Zealand movie, "Once Were Warriors" last night. Powerful stuff, to say the least.
Your reviews and essays have brought so mcuh joy and insight into my life. Not that I could ever repay you but if you ever have the desire to tour the Canadian Rockies, I would consider it an honor to be your tour guide. I used to guide professionally for a bike touring company and would love to show you this beautiful part of the world.
Whenever anyone asks me about not drinking I always use the old joke; "I'm allergic to alcohol. Whenever I drink I break out in handcuffs." I only wish it wasn't true.
Peace and Love
Thanks Roger,
I see "the anonymity police" are after you. Remind them that "The only requirement for A.A. membership is the desire to stay sober."
The steps and the traditions are optional.
Sorry to say that I have known alcoholics who poured booze down their g-tubes...More than one. It's baffling to try to understand this disease, but it's always good to see someone of your stature step forward and speak about their own story.
Thank you for your honesty!
Ebert: "AA has no opinion on theology, and wisely does not require belief in God. Your brand of atheism is so adamant it reminds me of fundamentalism."
Indeed, that which we call popularly "fundamentalist" is more of a psychological profile than a religious profile. It is ideologically neutral. A fundamentalist atheist can convert to another ideology, and will probably remain the same fundamentalist. That's what nobody seems to understand, and I'm glad you point it out. A fundamentalist is not someone with a frown and a turban. A fundamentalist is someone with a frown in *character*: he/she justifies his/her own beliefs by way of belittling, condemning, damning, the other's beliefs. Or, in my language, it is bludgeon-religion.
But, on a side note, the textbook academic definition (as opposed to the popular definition above), focuses more on ahistorical, contextless literalist readings of text, but that's besides the point.
Omer M
I have never met an alcoholic and it is difficult to understand what they may be going through.
If only Ben Sanderson of Leaving Las Vegas could have read your post.
Roger:
I am not a "regular" watcher of anything, I am a "stopper". When I come across your reviews, I stop. Not because I plan to watch the movie (unless/until it hits the TV waves), but because I like hearing you discuss them. I guess it's the same reason I like to read play reviews while never attending any.
Being loosely attached, that way, just let me say that I admired the courage it took to came back as the alternate "you" (you with cancer), I wouldn't have been surprised to see you slink off and hide (as I might have).
The amount of people you will help by outing your AA usage is exponential over time. Do not let anyone guilt you about it.
I am especially pleased that you read through and responded to the comments. Being a latecomer to this game, I have found that many articles get fleshed out by the responses to them. Responding to those responses is what makes a true dialogue...maybe something that you learned in AA.
I am a light drinker who scored an honest 0.3 on the 12 point test, and so never expect to see the inside of an AA meeting, but I have to say that I have found this discussion fascinating and -- sobering. Thank you to Roger and the many heartfelt contributors. And so I cork the wine bottle and go to bed.
I am a light drinker who scored an honest 0.3 on the 12 point test, and so never expect to see the inside of an AA meeting, but I have to say that I have found this discussion fascinating and -- sobering. Thank you to Roger and the many heartfelt contributors. And so I cork the wine bottle and go to bed.
Roger, thanks for sharing your journey with us.
As myself, my father and several other people close to me have dealt with addiction and recovery, and as I spent several years working in a 90% 12 step member workplace, I am on intimate terms with the issues you discuss.
I am so glad you found a group and method that helped you stay healthy and happy without the drink that you make clear was hurting you.
I think it's a great blessing that so many people find help with 12 step programs.
But they are not the best for every person, many people find other systems work better for them.
I noticed you leave open the possibility that for some, there may be a different way.
That is important to say, because when someone backslides or feels uncomfortable with their 12 step experience, they must have hope that they can still get better.
So many 12 step advocates claim it is the only way, or the best way for every person, and too many laws have been passed in this country forcing people into 12 step rather than giving them a choice in their own recovery program. That is wrong and I thank you for your non-dogmatic approach in this article.
As you say, it should work by attraction.
For some there are other ways. For some of us the photo of Bill W. with his coffee urn drives home the uncomfortable fact of the ever present coffee and cigarettes that make 12 step groups not the right solution for us. For me, my encounter with 12 steps led to a 10 year cigarette addiction and a 20 year struggle with caffeine, both of which I first used in the peer pressured environment of my all 12 step workplace, between that and various aspects of the 12 step philosophy which contradict my personal values, makes it wrong for me, but that doesn't mean it's wrong for everyone.
But Roger, again I commend you and anyone who finds healing and support in 12 step groups or anywhere they can get it. If that's in 12 steps, great, and if it's another program, great.
No one system has the permanent patent on healing, but I'm great you found a way that works for you.
Many support groups are modeled after AA. I'm familiar with Gamblers Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous. I haven't gone to meetings of either for a long time, but I easily picture what I might hear -- and it's not at all supportive for how I behave and how I justify how I behave: "stinkin' thinkin'".
Today, I went to a buffet for lunch. I didn't go into work this afternoon because I was too full to work. I napped. Then I played scrabble on line. I've played 5835 scrabble games on line since August, 2003, winning 2696 of them. GA would say I've just found a substitute for gambling, but I'm not really "sober".
I have not found the time to look for a better job. I have not found the time to clean my apartment and to file my tax returns and pay my bills. I don't really like Accounting, but I did earn my CPA, so my behavior certainly is especially self-destructive.
The buffet is reasonable -- only $11.14 with tax and "service charge", but actually cost me another $93.50 gross pay, plus whatever tips I would have earned as an NYC tour guide atop a double decker bus (about $25, usually).
OA would claim I'm in denial. I'm 5'8", weigh over 335, have slept with a bi-pap for apnea for more than 15 years, have mild asthma, and have persistent pains all over. My A1C is just 6.3, but being lucky is not the same as being healthy. I don't have Diabetes or high cholesterol, but I have been lucky. So far.
OA, or something like it is featured in the film "Fatso" and gambling addiction is the subject of "Owning Mahowny".
The films about alcoholism can be very powerful. I identify thoroughly and just think of overeating instead of alcohol as being my problem. I liked "I'll Cry Tomorrow".
I appreciate your criticism and I appreciate your blog. Thank you. I'm also jealous; I wish I could be half as productive as you are.
Were You an Alcoholic because you realised you were a failed Writer/Director?
Because you knew you'd never make it?
That would explain your career choices, or lack there of. : )
Ebert: In my experience, no one becomes an alcoholic "because of" a reason. It is a disease. One drinks because one drinks.
Forgive you for parting from the Tradition. Probably getting ready to leave us behind for awhile. Will miss the sanity checks, reading what you thought about some movie we just saw. Have a good trip. Hope there's a way we can surrender without getting sent back here.
"Leave it to the dysfunctional dynamic inherent among the attendees of AA to bicker about the 11th tradition and whether you somehow violated it by posting this," I said, smiling knowingly. No good deed goes unpunished, eh, Roger? This is just going to be another recovering addict's opinion-based rant, as others have also addressed this similarily, but where did you state you were acting under the full faith and guidance of AA in submitting this? Where is the official AA endorsement tag ("We're AA and we approve this message")? Under the heading? I must've missed it.
You mentioned AA in passing a few blogs ago, in making a point about the human need to confess our wrongs to others. How stunned I was to read several comments blasting AA as a cult, a sham, empirically unsound and more damaging than helpful. I began a 12,000-word rebuke to that until I used up all the piss and vinegar stored within me from the day and instead, sighed and clicked the close button. Not more than several days later, you post this deeply personal and sweetly gentle response yourself. God, you are so much better at this than me! Count me as one who firmly believes this needed to be said.
I stopped drinking in '91, after a night of salsa shots left me with a hangover so bad, I feared I might even die. But yeah, white-knuckled it, if you could call it that, for three more years, with copious amounts of marijuana. In fact, I've always preferred it and to this day, will defend it as being less harmful than alcohol. But when my older brother was killed in a car accident, and the shock of it all reduced me to an animal-like existence, huddled over my water-pipe, overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide, I knew I needed help. And I found it in Narcotics Anonymous (obviously based on the AA steps and traditions), which, although I have attended AA meetings and get much from the experience, has always felt more like "home" to me. The hardest part was walking through those doors for the first time. After that...well, I won't say it's all been gravy, but at least a nice buttery-flavored subsitute...
The God thing? Many years before I stopped drinking or drugging, I had to go without both on a stormy, rain-soaked evening (I remember it was the first night-game at Wrigley Field). The power went out, I was spooked, and for comfort, started reading Alcoholics Anonymous by candlelight, because even then I was toying with the idea I might have a problem. I was rolling my eyes at all of it, when I came to the part about Bill W.'s own struggles with his agnosticism, and these words jumped out of the page and shook me to the very core of my being:
"Who are you to say there is no God?"
Slightly out of context here, probably should recommend anyone curious to read it themselves, but that made me reconsider my whole way of thinking about a Higher Power, and I'm not even really sure why. That night, though, was not unlike the "spiritual experience" that Bill W. describes in the book.
I don't know, I'm babbling, I'm giddy with fellowship here on your blog, Roger, haha. Between this and the two previous health-care reform blogs, you have pretty much been hitting 'em outta the park lately. I tried to respond to the last one but it wouldn't let me. Let me just say that FINALLY someone articulates sensibly and compassionately the need for a public option. That's all I got, thanks for letting me share.
Congratulations, Roger. I quit drinking at 24 and was sober for fifteen years. I then went on a ten year binge - functioning alcoholic - and this is my third night sober. Thank you for writing about your experience. Much needed.
I'm 31, and I didn't get drunk until I was 21. I've spanned the past decade just about in an ocean of beer. I've had booze, too, but beer or wine always seemed healthier on some level.
You wrote that you were seeing this doctor for a while before you stopped drinking. I knew this about you since I'd read an article three or four years ago saying how you sat in your kitchen alone one night, and, despairing of yourself, snapped and hurled a bowl of ice cream across the room. You were about 37 when you saw the doctor and stopped. Were you trying to find out how your liver was? Myself, I've recently been so paranoid that I've gotten blood tests -- and I bought a home test kit that gauges liver function through urine. So far, so good. The doctor looked at me funny when I said I wanted my liver checked.
Now that I've finally got a full-time writing job again, after a layoff, I can't misbehave the way I did. My hope is that I don't find a way.
From the other room, thank you for sharing and being of service.
Roger, I really enjoyed reading this. Have been sober since September 29, 1987. I was very active in AA for many years but haven't gone to meetings the last few years. This brought back a lot of good memories. Congrats on 30 years! Hope your blog reaches somebody out there still suffering.
Thirty years is a looong time without a drink for a drunk. Congratulations Roger. I have felt a connection with you for a long time, and this is just another facet of that.
Like my old sponsor, Harry, used to say (no matter whether he was taking to someone celebrating 24 hours or 24 years): "Now the real work begins!"
Mr. Ebert,
As usual, you provide insightful commentary away from the world of film. This one hits close to home, though. My father has been in recovery for about 4-5 years now, and I still don't fully understand it myself. I have always had issues reconciling the religious components of AA with the fact that I just want my dad to be sober and healthy. I'm hoping that if I print this out for my father to read, it will lead to an open and honest dialogue between the two of us. Thanks for shedding some light on a difficult and very personal subject.
I have not heard about AA meeting in South Korea, but I think I have seen it. When I was 11, I went to some church to sing along with other kids(like "I have joy, joy, joy.....") and there was always the meeting in the next room. Adults, usually Americans, went there and talked about something. And some guy always blocked me and instructed me to stay away. It was just like secret meeting to me, but it was clear that it was not "cult".
My first experience with alcohol happened in 1985. I was just two years old, and they said my relatives(mother's side) gave it to me. My mother's family members are jolly, but they are usually with alcohol in every family meeting. I experienced beer before I became a teenager. My parents permitted that, but they were strict to me and I did not have any problem during school years. Yeah, I drank beer, wine, and whiskey and other distilled ones, but that was only for holidays or family meetings. Well, with alcohol, my introvert side was disappeared temporarily and everyone was happy.
My brutal alcoholic rampage began during the last year of undergraduate course. In 2003 summer, I went to the bar at least once a week, and 2-3L of beer was usually consumed. I did exercise a lot during these summer days. After 5km of treadmill exercise and 2km of swimming, I craved for beer and got my wish at night. The cycle began again 2-3 days later. Ironically, I was reading Malcolm Lowry's "Under the Volcano" with Alex North's soundtrack at that time. Sometimes I imagined that I would be shot by campus police guys and my body would be thrown into the pond. Well, I am not proud of that time.
After many hangovers and repeated unpleasant bathroom business in the morning(it was intestine problem, not stomach problem), I try to avoid alcohol as possible as I can. I remember watching "Batman Begins" after drinking magarita at restaurant, but that was the past now. After taking movies seriously, I am sober in theaters. Good movies, and good books, are not for drunk mind. But I have to admit that bad movies sometimes drove me to alcohol. "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is recent example, but I am ashamed of myself because I justified my behavior.
At bar, I usually spend time with only one or two bottles of beer. Or four glasses of cocktail(my routine: martini-> gin tonic -> junebug -> long island ice tea). At present, I drink less frequently than before, and I think I can control it. However, I have to admit that I agree with that phrase. "You take the first drink. The second drink takes itself." I usually drink alone at bar and I learn it again and again, although I always stop whenever I sense something is not right. After reading about your sobriety for 30 years(congratulation!), I begin to think about sobriety really seriously. I am still at the stage where I can do it for myself, at least. And alcohol consumption is not good for health, anyway.
Ebert: I've always enjoyed your contributions here! This may be of interest:
Korea A.A. Office (Korea)
RM #503 Chunil Bldg
69-13 Taepyungro 2-ka, Chung-ku
Seoul, 100-841, Korea
Phone:82-2-774-3797
Fax:82-2-774-3796
Site: www.aakorea.co.kr
September 6th of this year will be my 30th birthday, and I am an alcoholic.
My father is a veteran of the Vietnam War and he took the Bottle for a cure, though life cured him of that and now he's almost seventy and a Good Man.
My mother is a rodeo champion from Arkansas who went to Drink to cure her of of the pain of life and her six marriages, and she continues to this day in her Jack Blessedness.
I remain.
I'm at a new threshold in my life: I plan to move from New York City to Portland, Oregon, next year because existence here is stagnant...and it's telling, to me, that I saw a most wonderful concert tonight, the best concert I've ever seen, by an artist who has gone sober and I've arrived home and I've read this article espousing the same.
My philosophy of life thus far has been to take what thou wilt, and tonight I have most certainly. Thank you for this blog. I read your reviews and agree or disagree, but your most recent blogs have been heartfelt and true--this one most of all.
With this, you feel like a friend.
Roger,
God does work in funny ways. I stumbled onto your blog thru Huffington Post. Earlier today I pulled out my Big Book and a meeting list, after having decided to try AA. I simply cannot stop drinking on my own. Your blog sealed the deal for me. Thank you, and in my case, I'm glad that the 12th step took precedence over the 11th tradition.I needed to hear what you had to say, and I'm excited to begin my sober journey. Thank you !!!
I do not know if I have a drinking problem. I binge drink for a time, straighten out for a time, return to the bottle, return to sobriety. I have never suffered withdrawal. I do not have an uncontrollable craving for alcohol. But I am an extremely lonely person; I deal with people at work, come home, and spend my time on the couch with a beer and a joint (okay, several beers and joints). I become so bored at home alone, especially when I am sober. Alcohol and pot help fill a void in my life which I wish I could fill with friends and family. This is my problem with AA; I love the idea of it but cannot bring myself to enter a room of strangers on a regular basis. And I wonder what the point of sobriety is for me; I have no reason to stay sober. I recently went clean again, flushing my pot down and alcohol down the toilet. There is a woman, a very old flame who found her way back into my life, and has managed, from a distance (she lives a good 700 miles from me now), to make me feel like there may be a little more worth staying sober for (particularly after the shame of answering a call from her in the midst of a drunk and stoned stupor). But I fear my feelings for her, and fear the devastation that seems certain to come. I am not sure what I hope to accomplish with this submission, or why I'm even doing it, I suppose I want to pour out my own little story for a "room" of anonymous people. So thank you, Mr Ebert, for opening this forum. You will probably be the only person who bothers to read this, but that may be enough to help me get through another night at least.
Ebert: Try walking in quietly and sitting in the back of the room. No one will cross-examine you. If anyone asks you something, just say, "I'm here to listen." That will be understood and accepted. Do not stop after one meeting. Go back to the same group(s) until you get to know some of the members, and can observe their daily journeys.
A friend of mine sent me this article today, and the timing could not be...stranger. I've been a heavy heavy drinker for the past 9 years, but have been able to maintain a somewhat functioning life...then the past 3 have been even less functioning... and it got to the point over the past 3 months that I have been acting like some drunken crazed maniac that my family and friends do not recognize. A handful of interventions, several ER visits and a 3 day stint in a dedicated detox clinic are some of the indicators of how my boozing has spiraled completely off-the-rails out of control. I agreed to do A.A., see a psychologist, check-in to a rehab program, and have been successfully putting it all off (with lots of broken promises and flat out lies)... until tomorrow. I finally hit the point, and said "You arent blowing it off this time, no one believes anything you say at this point. Just check yourself in and get the ball rolling." So that will be me in 9 hours, FINALLY checking in to a several week rehab program, which I plan to supplement with AA meetings (still havent had the courage to check one out) and psychotherapy. Glad to be turning things around before I seriously hurt myself or anyone else. Didn't have a drop today, and I need to write down what my last drink was Monday night, cause who knows, it might be to me what that scotch and soda was to you! Thanks for the great article, honest and inspiring! BTW: Trees Lounge is one of my favorite movies ever, and have seen it over 50 times... it was a ritual to pop it in the DVD after a night drinking myself silly at the local dive.
Ebert: Good luck! From here on out, it could be all gravy.
Roger,
I've always respected you as a film critic, but more recently I've developed a deep admiration for your writing on this journal, ranging from your meditations on life and death to this latest piece.
Alcoholism has always haunted my father's side of the family, and it killed my father. He spent a month in rehab when I was in middle school, but the day he came home, he went out and bought himself a bottle of rum to celebrate. He went to two AA meetings after that and decided that it wasn't for him, because he didn't have a "real" problem like the rest of the drunks there. After he retired from the NYPD, his drinking only grew worse, since it was all he had to occupy his time. Some days it would make him angry and abusive; other days he just couldn't get out of bed. Eventually alcohol even replaced food for him, and we all watched as a 6-foot-2, 250-pound, thick-necked Irish cop withered away to a skeleton. Trying to talk to him and convince him to get help would only invite resentment or a slap in the face.
He stopped drinking on the day his doctor told him that he had done so much damage to his liver and pancreas, the next drink he had would literally kill him. It wasn't soon enough. He died at the ripe old age of 45, five days before I was to graduate as valedictorian of my high school. He took his pension to the grave with him and left behind me, my mentally disabled younger brother, our long-suffering mother, and a heap of debt. I often wonder if he ever paused while refilling his glass and thought about any of us and the future he could be missing out on. He wasn't there for my graduation, and he won't be there when I graduate college, or on my wedding day, or the day his first grandchild is born. If he did think about any of that, it obviously wasn't enough to stop him.
As for me, at the age of 22, I've never touched alcohol aside from a glass of champagne at New Year's. It's not out of any sense of moral superiority; I just don't trust myself. I've seen so many people walk down that dark path, and I dread the thought of ever following in their footsteps. Last year I was involved in an accident that left me severely injured and bed-ridden for months, and I still refused pain medication as soon as I was able to cope without it.
Still, my own brush with death has caused me to reflect on my father's passing and to reconsider my feelings about it. I'm still angry with him for the choices that he made and for what he did to our family, but what I recognize now that I couldn't then is how tormented he was. I remember the day he told a friend that when he drank, he didn't even like the taste of the alcohol anymore. He just liked it better than the taste of anything else. He was looking for a way out, but he couldn't find one, no matter how many times the people who cared about him tried to point him in the right direction. That's why your story moved me, Roger, and I hope that it reaches other people who need someone, anyone, to help show them the way. My father had his opportunities and he made his choices, but he didn't realize how little time he had left to reconsider. I suppose none of us do.
You are THE MAN, mr. Ebert.
I've recently started reading your blog and my opinion of you has climbed precipitously. (your reviews often mirror my sentiments as well). This was a fantastic article, nothing but the straight truth really. If I may say though, at one of the meetings I've been at it was said by a guest speaker that "you may say that YOU are an alcoholic, but you don't have the right to say that about anyone else". This may not be the by-the-book understanding of the matter, but it seems right to me. There have been times that disclosure of YOUR OWN trails and tribulations can help others (as I hope your blog has done), as such I applaud you for your disclosure. AA gets an undeservedly bad rep in some places. . . .
Congratulations, Roger! As Bill W says, "there are many paths to recovery." I utilized AA for the first three years, and then needed to move forward with my life. Everyone recovers differently, and should be able to create a recovery path that is suitable to them. There is no right or wrong way to do this.
I joined LifeRing Secular Recovery, brought LifeRing meetings to Victoria, BC and have since founded LifeRing Secular Recovery Society Canada. http://www.liferingcanada.org
If you are in Canada and looking for a popular "secular" recovery group then LifeRing might be a fit for you.
Congratulations on your anniversary.
Two thumbs down on your anonymity break.
30 years and you did not get the meaning of the word Anonymous?
Too bad for you, who, despite whatever you did get, really missed out big.
Did you not know this has been tried and failed a thousand times before? 30 years, and you did not hear your fellows don't want you to do this? That it won't help? How blind could you be?
Enjoy your cake, and have a prayer for those less famous...and I hope your next thiry years are filled with humility and joy!
What a wonderful essay. Thank you for writing it, and congratulations on 30 years of sobriety.
I credit the open AA meetings I attended with my mother as a preteen and teen with saving me from the alcoholism which runs (nay, gallops!) in my family. At the time, I was envious of the shared community of AA, to the point of actually wishing for alcoholism so I could be part of the group. Alas, AA did not save my mother (she could never get past the God bit), but it appears to have saved my brother (sober for about 12 years), and it very likely prevented me from traveling in my mother's footsteps.
Whatever works. I'm glad it works for you.
Like Dan I cried a little reading this. I can't understand why I can't have one drink and stop. But you have given me hope that there is some way out. I'm just afraid I'm not strong enough to take that first step.
I know people who should be in those meetings, some family members included. Good to hear -read- the program works.
Thank you, Roger.
Congrats on 30 yrs...
I'm coming up on my purple chip, I'm 30 years old, I live with my mother, I have $40,000 in debt and I've never been so full of hope in my life.
I've been watching you as long as I can remember and every time I rent a movie I look for your review on the cover... If it's there I'll usually give it a shot.
The traditions are great but the steps are what got me sober. It's a shame to see so much anger in some of the people who are commenting on your story.
This is not press, radio, or film... it's a blog!
That being said, most people reading this are fans of yours and respect your opinion. Pretty sure this will not dissuade anyone from A.A. This to me is just a 12th step plain and simple. Just don't do any interviews :) and thank you for helping keep me sober today.
I went to an AA meeting for the first time in a long time tonight. I had a bender last Saturday night. And the remorse and guilt and beating myself up on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.
I went to an AA meeting for the first time in a long time tonight. I left and got a filet mignon. Medium Rare. And then I hit the local. I lasted three days. Well, two and a half.
I'm writing this pissed. I have enormous respect for you, Roger. Always have. Even more so now. Thanks for your courage. Maybe one day, it'll be mine.
Roger,
I was overwhelmed with writers envy when I first read this. If only I could write like that...
Anyway, thank you for the excellent essay and message that there is hope. I am sure it will help others who are struggling with this disease.
Roger,
Thanks for posting your story. I'm not bothered by the 11th Tradition issue. It's not a rule, only a suggestion. AA has no rules, only suggestions that offer hope for recovery. In fact, I think you have done a great service by using your unique position to offer your 30 year example that it can work, if one is willing to take the first step. It's a voluntary program, and in the end, the individual has to decide which course to choose. I'm not in a position to judge others comments, they speak for themselves, and that's the beauty of AA. You spoke from your heart, and that's what matters most. Reading the comments posted, you have clearly done a great service to a number of still suffering and recovering folks out there. That is the mission of AA. To be of service to others, and to offer a common experience that breaks down the walls of isolation and desperation. Alcoholics always need to be reminded that they are not as unique as they think they are -- the disease doesn't discriminate -- age, gender, race, religion, or economic status.
No doubt this will spread across the internet, and I think it's a good thing. You have shared a message of hope to those that may not think there is any hope left. You helped me today, and that's what it's all about. Thank you.
Roger,
I think it's great that you've written about your experience with sobriety through A.A., and feel that comments about violating the 11th tradition are unnecessary in the least. If you draw the attention of even one person to A.A. and that person benefits from it, it is worth it.
I've been a functioning alcoholic for 7 years and have been through a myriad of personal battles between myself and the drunk I am capable of becoming, but still haven't been able to come up with a "good enough" reason to quit. I've been through a DWI resulting in loss of unemployment, failed relationships, health problems, social embarassment, and the regret and guilt to go along with it all. The DWI was 7 years ago and resulted in a fine and "rehab-type" classes, which I completed and decided to college afterward. Of course I chose a school where my good friends partied; the major was an afterthought and mainly related to where I thought the most potential for employment lied, within the limited courses offered by the school. I never quit drinking and graduated with honors while never putting any real effort into school, mainly because my major related to my strengths scholastically. For the last 3 years I've been employed as an imaging tech in the healthcare field. I don't drink when I have to work and have a great resume and references, yet my personal life reflects all of the negative aspects of alcoholism. I can NOT drink when I have to, but consume a majority of my time off boozing. I'm drunk right now as a matter of fact, and inbetween jobs as a travel tech. Your article drew my attention back to the fact that there IS help out there and, although saying I will abstain from alcohol forever is a long shot, maybe it will help. Thanks.
I know that this is an entry on alcoholism, but I just now saw this comment of yours:
"I do not believe in God."
My mouth opened up a bit. I was here through your spiritual and evolution journal entries, and that was not at all what I picked up from you. Was there a mistake in that sentence of yours?
Ebert: I also do not believe there is not a God. My point is that belief in God is not required by AA.
You probably saw this:
http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2009/04/how_i_believe_in_g.html
I posted earlier about how funny it is that people attack things they do not understand.
Also funny, however, is the way your fellow AA members attack you. I suppose the "traditions" of AA are becoming dogma. Sure, it was against established tradition for you to "come out", but I thought your article was wonderful. I thought it could help the way some people see AA. I thought it might even have changed a few lives. But then AA members come on here and chastise you for breaking with tradition, giving critics more ammunition.
The people who disparage you seem to be very dogmatic, preachy, and, dare I say it, holier-than-thou. Ironic, since part of your article is about the way AA is supposed to treat the matter of religion: obtusely, open minded, liberal.
Again, I am not a drunk, I have nothing to do with AA. I just found some of these comments rather odd, considering the fact that I originally thought you were doing AA a great service by showing the world a truly great success story.
My hobby is rewriting the Big Book and I would amend the 11th Tradition to say that if you have 30 years and can spread the word with such beautiful prose (something Bill couldn't do very often),then write away. Thinking further, maybe YOU should write what amounts to a New Testament to the Big Book. Sponsorship, genetics, family systems, pharmacology and treatment/rehab all need some attention. Thanks for your contributions, all of them!
21 years in Champaign
Hey Roger,
Nice read. 17 years here up here in Seattle. If you're ever up here I'll take you to my home group.
Anyways, I turn real conservative when I hear about public figures talking about their AA membership. But here I feel like you've shared your story in a personal and sincere manner for the benefit of others and I truly appreciate it and you for doing it.
Have a good one,
Alan
Ebert,
Don't pay no mind to those who wrote in saying you violated AA anonymity rule. Great story. I am going to forward this to a friend who is struggling w/ booze now.
Roger,
As a 26 year sober in AA atheist, I applaud your story. It was everything an AA story should be. You passed on your experience, strength, and hope. You were one alcoholic talking to another, me. This is the absolute soul of what made AA unique and successful. For doing so, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
For the bleeding deacon 11th tradition nazis, bless your little hearts. AA has survived lots worse.
Gerry Z.
Oddly the first serious piece of adult literature I read was Lowry's "Under the Volcano". I won a book voucher in the year 2000 and chose it for the cover, before I was of drinking age. It had a positive impact on me as great literature, especially appealing to my imagination, and a negative one, encouraging me towards indulgence in alcohol. Douglas Day's biography is worth reading, giving a detailed account of his drinking (and, of course, of his life).
I also own a second-hand copy of "Hear us O Lord from heaven thy dwelling place" in which I found a napkin on which someone had written about visiting the camel races. I think Lowry would have shared my joy in discovering such an odd document. I will resist the temptation to transcribe it.
I've had a problem with alcohol, and, mental illness, which is a troublesome combination. I've had the same experience where I take one drink and from there one drink follows another. I'm sober now and have been for months, but from time to time I still feel a desire for it. I haven't beaten it, but nor have I been beaten by it. The future for me remains a question mark. I haven't hardened into a drinker or, alternately, into a tee-totaller.
What impresses me most about this piece is Ebert's genuine desire to provide useful and effective advice.
Dear Ebert, I dont know why but reading ur reviews for years now and watching u on show I always pictured you as a charming old drinker (dont mind u broke my heart with this blog:-) )..start of the Lost in Translation review might have done the trick..but great to know ur thirty years of sobriety.. cheers to that and your health!
I'm confused.
I thought your membership in AA and subsequent sobriety was an known fact? I mean, I can't have been the only one whose read your blog entries re: O'Rourke's and the Old Town Ale House? Or life back in the day working for a Newspaper? Or visits to foreign lands and using the side of an Irish Pub for a urinal aka: your first Guinness. And I've lost track of how many times I quoted bits from Carol Felsenthal's 2005 article about you in Chicago Magazine: "A Life in the Movies" - ie: the part about Chaz and a Clockwork Orange (one her favorites!) She didn't know you hated it until Gene gleefully spilled the beans. :)
Point is, I've smoked "funny cigarettes" on and off for 25 years - if I can remember this stuff, then non-tokers should be able to as well. (Duh!)
I've never had a problem with alcohol, myself. The legal drinking age in British Columbia is 19 years old. By the time I was 24 yrs, I'd been, there done, learned my lessons and moved on. I drink moderately and when I do, it's responsibly. I don't drive, so that's a moot issue. And with money being so tight these days, unless someone else is picking up the tab, I go without (part of how we pay for Heath-Care is by really taxing alcohol & cigarettes - we pay around $10 a pack for example. A case of Molson Canadian beer is $21.)
Anyhoo, as long as you're not publishing a list of every alcoholic in America who attends AA Meetings, with respect to those who disagree, I honestly don't see what the fuss is about because Roger spoke of a thing already known. It simply serves to underscore how useful he found those AA meetings; what worked for him.
Why write a entry about it? Well, because of this:
"I find on YouTube that there are many videos attacking A.A. for being a cult, a religion, or a delusion." - Roger
Et voila; an alternate point of view and by way of sharing his experience with it. And that some felt the need to "take a pea" on it by accusing Roger of attention seeking, I think says more about their own failings of character than any reportedly found in him.
P.S. Carol Felsenthal wrote an award-winning biography of Katharine Graham who presided over the Washington Post during the Watergate era. It was called "Power, Privilege and the Post: The Katharine Graham Story." HBO was supposed to start production on a screen adaptation. Interested, I was keeping track of it, and was sad to read this back in March 2009...
“UPDATE: On March 31st, 2009, Joan Didion said in this interview that plans for the movie have been abandoned. She had submitted a number of scripts before wearying of HBO’s delaying tactics, and so she walked out on the project. “They did not have the money,” Didion concluded.” - IFC.com
So if anybody knows anything to the contrary, please share! 'Cause that would have been a cool story to watch. And if it's really dead in the water now, that sucks.
Thank you for sharing ... as they say. As others have written, you are an excellent writer.
I have 15+ years, one day at a time because of what I have learned around the tables of AA. Two of my small number of best friends -- not quite a majority -- are members of AA. I met them at meetings.
And I support your identifying yourself, especially now when there has been a barrage of ads for a "cure" for addiction ... if you can afford it, I suspect. AA is free, and it works.
The "religion" thing? I have met atheists and agnostics at meetings. I am at best a pantheist. I look at the "higher power" concept as understanding that every life-form has a plan for nurturing that if followed will "grow" the optimum individual life-form ... as in "the promises" you mention. The promises are found on pages 83-84 in Chapter 6, INTO ACTION, of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, located on the web at http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
I comment on my own recovery anonymously -- again in response to those commercial ads for a "cure" -- at: http://recoverywithsonny.blogspot.com/
Congrats, Roger. I celebrated my 30th August 4th of this year. I could feel the rooms and the camaraderie in your remarks; the joy at not being alone with your best friend staring at you from the bottom of a glass. It's funny that of all the memories I've lost through the years, the ones I take with me are the ones that either exhilarate me or break my heart: alone in a basement with a room literally full of empty half-gallon vodka bottles, too scared to throw them away. Accepting my first-year chip in a restaurant with people I love smiling at me. Being middle-aged with a husband and a home, a job and a life. It's what I was promised: a life. A decent life. And it's what I've had-along with a lot of laughs, and as many tears. What a gift from the Higher Power I choose to call God. Works for me.
My name is Mary. I’m an Addictionologist. I’m a physician who treats patients with the disease of addiction.
My colleagues think I’m crazy. I don’t make much money. The local University says 12 Step programs are hocus pocus.
But, science shows that 12 Step programs work (it just doesn’t make money). More importantly, when I send patients to 12 step programs they get better. Sometimes I help them with some medicines, but the program does the work.
Thank you so much for your article “My Name is Roger…..”. Sometimes I feel like I am crazy. Often I feel alone. But not today.
Mary G. McMasters, MD
Fishersville, VA
Hi my name is Gregg and I'm an Alcholic.
Roger thank you so much for sharing your expierance strength and hope. I have been sober for 17yrs. I was so greatful to finally see something written that does not put down AA. My only hope is that for those still struggling they will read your article and give this wonderful way of life a chance.
Thanks again my Brother.
Gregg. G
Kudos Roger, 30 years - you did'nt just hit that one out of the park, you hit it off of the continent!
I however have a "1 step 6 month" recovery solution to this problem which has only one weak link, which shall become obvious in due course. This applies whether you're young/old, man/woman, straight/gay/bi/curious, married/single/partnered up or whatever really... most people can try this. Trust me it WILL work - move back in with your parents for six months, you'll spend roughly a month and half wanting to kill them, then you'll spend a month and a half wanting to kill yourself, but YOU WILL get through it all and then you will spend a magical three months basking in the glow of the realization that these are the people that will always occupy the most important place in your heart, without them you would'nt even exist, that you love them more than life itself and cannot bear to hurt them with your childish shennanigans and before you know it the six months are over, you are fully rehabilitated and will never fall off the wagon again.
The weak link? Well if you have'nt already figured it out, DO NOT TRY THIS IF your parents are actually the reason you're drinking heavily to begin with, it will most likely take you to a worse place.
Happy sobriety folks or as most of the middle east knows it - daily life :)
Roger E. -- thanks for a nearly perfect essay.
It was nice to have you confirm what I had long-ago observed to a non-AA friend: "I think Roger is in "the Program" Oh, yeah; that's what we frequently call AA from the inside. . . . He has way too keen an insight into certain behaviours *not* to be in."
While I am open and eager to discuss my alcoholism with my friends, I am reluctant to discuss A.A. -- as you explain, the anonymity isn't exclusively [or even mainly?] for the individual, but for the group. Your description, though, so safely and accurately captures what we're about that I think it is very much a "Twelfth Step" act -- and one I'll cherish.
Your description of AA is . . . mine! And how often have we experienced that -- a bond of experience and outlook that makes us glad to be alive and part of the human race.
You're someone with whom I agree, and disagree, often. It used to just be about movies (my Paris visit to "Dark City" has led me to chide you from afar), but this blog has opened that up to life itself. You're a talented essayist, but more importantly, you're a man who has impressed me with an evolving humanity. As you probably feel daily, your essential *goodness* has increased since I've known you (through your work).
Yes; we all think we know you. And thanks to this essay, I do know you better.
PS I am an atheist in A.A., and came in as an "evangelical" atheist with a [small] chip on his shoulder. I now tire of my atheist/agnostic meetings, for just the reason you describe -- God is discussed way too much. When I go to traditional meetings where that happens, I'm just as tired and (mildly) put out. But I've never been to a meeting that I didn't leave a better -- and healthier -- man.
Thanks again.
What a beautiful piece. Mazeltov. And, of course, Al-Anon Family Groups is a wonderful 12-step program for those of us seeking recovery because we are affected by the drinking of a loved one. I'm not the alcoholic, but it's given me such amazing happiness and peace and improved my life dramatically.
Nice article. It takes people like you to help reduce the stigma of alcoholism or the shame of going to AA. I wish more people with long term sobriety in AA would carry the message publicly.
I really like this quote: "If a person has a thousand problems, and one of them is alcoholism, then he has one problem."
Arthur M. Jackson, author
Raise the Bottom: How to Keep Secret Alcoholics from Damaging your Business
www.raisethebottom.com
Everybody has character flows; only AA members work hard every day on changing them/selves for a better human being...
Keep on writing about it! :)
Keep coming back!
I remember seeing Ebert twice. Once in a bar I think was on North Ave on the northern end of Old Town and the second time in the very crowded john at Wrigley Field. Everyone in the john recognized Ebert and there was a spirited loud conversation between him and everyone else. The point is, especially hearing the demise of Ted Kennedy, that these memories happened so long ago. Sober or not time seems to move faster as we grow older.
One of the best movies Nicolas Cage has done was his performance in 'Leaving Las Vegas'.
Death by drink; and his character predicted a reasonably accurate timetable. Was the hooker intended to represent an alcoholic or merely a user and occasional abuser in his company to deal with her own demons? AA probably isn't too choosy as to who is amongst it's ranks; some people may find more palliative treatments for reckless behavior elsewhere.
I recall one poor man who was utterly flummoxed that his friend booze could turn on him in a lethal way.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ebert: 'Few get to be alcoholics without the feeling that a drink or a pub can be a pleasure. But those who are alcoholics have to forego that pleasure.'
----
I recall Cage's character saying ,"belly up to the bar!" in the obnoxious bravado, after his resolve to never quit.
I assume you mean then, that those who admit it's a problem -- and want to live, 'have to forego that pleasure'?
Ebert: That's what I mean.
If people have questions about AA, they can pick up the blue book for free at an AA office or meeting in any town and read for themselves. No questions, no judgments - no one is going to ask you anything, they'll just hand over the book. I'm not an addict, but read it to get a better sense of what some of my family members (who are recovering) were buying into. There's a lot of wisdom in there for everyone. Congrats, Roger!
As a member of Alanon - the sister group to AA for friends and families of alcoholics, I have found serentity, and even happiness whether the Alcoholic is still drinking or not. I have a host of friends wherever I go (most of whom I don't know their last name, profession, or where they live). My spouse has been in the rooms of AA for 14 years and has remained sober for 14 years. It works.
Roger,
As a fellow friend of Bill, Congratulations. 30 years is quite an achievement. I had started reading through the comments, and was just about convinced that you would have been better off not writing this until I saw the comment from the women in Orland Park. That's why we're here.
Roger,
I attended my first meeting in August '79. What a great life has emerged. Who knew? If I had it to do again I would have done it thirty years earlier.
John
Roger-
This entry moved me to tears.
I have always been somewhat curious about AA (and related gatherings such as Overeaters Anon, etc) because I am a biologist/clinical writer. That makes my interest sound coldly probing- maybe it is- but I am a curious person by nature. Also, I love redemption stories, where an individual overcomes personal challenges to become stronger and more whole.
So congratulations. Thank you for sharing with we, your readers, and for reaching out. Even though I rarely drink, I can still cheer for the members- the victors- the triumphs.
This entry moved me to tears.
Congratulations, Roger. Thank you for sharing so openly with we, your readers, and for reaching out to others in the same situation.
I drink infrequently, but I can still cheer for the members- the victors- the overcomers. I love redemption stories, where individuals supersede personal challenges to become more strong, more whole.
Peace be with you.
Isn't the second word in your organization "Anonymous"? And have you ever read - certainly you don't understand - Tradition 11 which discusses anonymity at the level of press, radio and films?
Perhaps now that you've been around for 30 years, you should, perhaps, attend a Traditions meeting?
Really, Roger: Did you write this with any consideration at all? Why are you 'showing off' your 30 years? I'd like to know. What makes you so important that you'd do this?
I remain anonymous,
Me
Ebert: I wrote it after a good deal of consideration, explained near the beginning of the piece. Do you think your comment will be of help to a drinking alcoholic reading this blog?
Roger,
I was thrilled to read this - thank you. It was August 22 years ago for me that I surrendered to the magic of recovery.
I am a writer and a filmmaker currently working on making a film about recovery. God, it sounds so boring when you say that - but from what you have written I know you know that it is where the most profound human dramas and triumphs occur. One day you will review it!
I think the medium of film is wasted as far as carrying the message. Just reading the comments on your blog (I didn't get through them all) I see that several people have taken a step closer to a meeting just for reading it. It's a thing of beauty!
By the way, everything evolves or dies - even AA tradition. Nothing is anonymous in the 21st century. Times have changed and we must too.
Christine
Hi Roger,
I hope that you are working on your biography. I love your reviews, but your own blogs are fascinating. I always wondered at your attachment to "Suttree." Thanks for sharing and thanks for recommending the book.
Ebert: I really do believe that is the most indelible portrait of an alcoholic I've read.
Thank you for making a 12th. step on me. Just celebrated 25 years on our program this past Monday. Retired, and been living in Buenos Aires for the last three years as a direct result with the a gift of this program. Share a Tuesday night speaker meeting in Buenos Aires of the "Corrientes" group. You article reminded me of the clubhouse that I first walked into in 1984. I remembered the annoying noises the swamp machines overhead made, and how difficult it was for me to hear the speakers at the podium. The Radford Group in North Hollywood, CA., Alabam C., the 12 steps, my higher power along with my sponsor and my new found friends were the key of staying "stopped". Your article also reminded me of the early years of living sober. Flying for the first time without a drink, the pilot mentioned over the loud speaker during a late night flight, "for those who are not asleep, and are friends of Bill W. there will be a meeting by the back exit door". Three people showed up and had a small meeting. What a gift. Thank you.
Sometime you might want to discuss Gravy, a poem by Raymond Carver. Sweet and intensly ironic.
DP in Champaign
Ebert: It is written by a man who knows he is dying, who some years ago found sobriety:
Gravy
No other word will do. For that's what it was.Gravy.
Gravy, these past ten years.
Alive, sober, working, loving, and
being loved by a good woman. Eleven years
ago he was told he had six months to live
at the rate he was going. And he was going
nowhere but down. So he changed his ways
somehow. He quit drinking! And the rest?
After that it was all gravy, every minute
of it, up to and including when he was told about,
well, some things that were breaking down and
building up inside his head. "Don't weep for me,"
he said to his friends. "I'm a lucky man.
I've had ten years longer than I or anyone
expected. Pure Gravy. And don't forget it."
--Raymond Carver
To all those with [characterization deleted] hang-ups about the "Higher Power." Suppose instead it were phrased "realize that you can't do it on your own." That would be fine, right? (except for many the natural corollary becomes, "okay, now that I realize that, what next?")
It continually amazes me that some people get so hung up over a word that they totally miss the concept behind it. "a Higher Power as you understand it" means "realize that you can't do it on your own, AND that there are resources beyond what you can imagine on your own available to you for help and support." [cue the famous Goethe quote]
So you feel betrayed somehow by "god" and you are going to get even by denying Her existence? you are still letting "god" rule you through the contrapositive, so to speak....I like the way Mr. Ebert described how he reached internal peace with it, and the equanimity with which he responds to others. Bravo.
I just picked up my six month chip yesterday. I don't remember the last time I was so at peace with myself and others - and my work has only just begun. Thanks for sharing your story.
ADMISSION - IT IS A FREEDOM!!!!!
Proof that alcohol does not know race, creed, employment situations, etc.. It can AND DOES take thousands to thier knees - sometimes, even death. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! We are real human beings brought down by something that is so VERY cunning, baffling and powerful. You helped me understand tradition 5 much better, "Our primary purpose is to carry the message to the next suffering alcoholic" Also the 12th step. There is help out there. Thanks for opening the eyes of many who do not understand or BELIEVE in a power greater than themselves. It works if you work it!!!!!
Roger,
Thanks for sharing you story and congrats on 30yrs.! I have 15 yrs. in AA and 14 yrs. in Alanon. My Mom starred in that "other" movie about alcoholism and recovery - "I'll Cry Tomorrow". One of my rationalizations/ justifications for not getting sober was comparing myself to my parents - "I am NOT that bad". I was...and, my children will be forever grateful that I arrived at that moment of clarity.
Thank you Bill W.and Dr. Bob.
KCB,
Tim B./ Planettrout
Some of the pseudonyms your posters are using to preserve anonymity are ingenious and/or hilarious.
Striking is the dichotomy: many AAers applaud you; many are condemnatory. Some are ambiguously both and neither! And it seems to me (layman with spotty knowledge) that Bill W and Bob, in order to universalize their offering of a workable guide to sobriety, made their Book/Steps/Traditions as amendable as the U S Constitution in the minds of their prospective practitioners. "God as you understand [God]" is wonderfully inclusive. And isn't there a chapter especially for 'us agnostics?' Such flexibility is essential for trailblazers who are firm in conviction yet aware that they are making it up as they go along.
I've referred an AA friend to the link and her response was so similar to some I've read here: happy for you yet dismayed at the 11th & 12th Traditions out-of-boundedness yet forgiving and cutting you slack for having your reasons.
Your telling of your own story reminded me of the Valley's own Deborah Laake, whose Secret Ceremonies - A Mormon Woman's Intimate Diary of Marriage and Beyond got similar dichotomous response. Ultimately, for students of The Great Human Experience, I feel such tellings are valuable and needed, both for people on the inside and people trying to understand them.
I made one of those comments you refer to, Roger, and I'd say that as long as it wasn't part of a mandatory program for anything, if it was purely voluntary, then it's fine as one of the options we have when we need help. What I don't like is, like some have said here, it's mandated by a court, or as the only option for social programs where, if you refuse to do it, you will be, say, booted from school or work.
Making some step to stop your habit is great, but it shouldn't HAVE to be A.A. There are plenty of credible programs with not nearly the profile of A.A. that accommodate for people who aren't willing to let alcoholism be treated as if it were an illness, but instead a deadly, destructive, entrenched habit that has to be subverted.
I don't have personal experience of the following, but I've heard good things about some of the programs listed here:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=28817&cn=14
An article about a controlled study of the spiritual side of therapy for substance abuse:
http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1872779,00.html
One of the bigger ones now is Smart Recovery:
http://www.smartrecovery.org/
As someone who lost his father to complications stemming in part due to substance abuse, I know that, at least in his case, it was more than just the substances that helped kill him. I think if he ever would have gotten close to something like A.A. he would have lied about his behavior to his handler and to his peers in the group just like he lied to us, because he was too busy avoiding the idea that it was him making this decision to kill a bottle and a pack every day.
With programs like those above, I think he would have had a chance to stop blaming something external to himself, stop waiting for something external to save him, and build himself up again from the inside out. At the time all I knew was about A.A., and that was out of the question for him.
I want people to be able to choose those alternatives, because they may think that they're just helping people through relegating people to 12 step programs, but that's letting many people slip through the cracks. I just want people to know that there are other alternatives out there, though I'm happy that this program works for some.
Thanks for telling your story, Roger.
Isn't the second word in your organization "Anonymous"? And have you ever read - certainly you don't understand - Tradition 11 which discusses anonymity at the level of press, radio and films?
Perhaps now that you've been around for 30 years, you should, perhaps, attend a Traditions meeting?
Really, Roger: Did you write this with any consideration at all? Why are you 'showing off' your 30 years? I'd like to know. What makes you so important that you'd do this?
I remain anonymous,
Me
Ebert: I wrote it after a great deal of consideration, which I suggested near the beginning of the piece. Do you feel your comment will be of assistance to an alcoholic who is still drinking, and who reads through this thread?
I am grateful for every day, grateful for all your days, and grateful for reading this today.
Speaking only for myself, I try always to remember that just as how high/low my bottom may have been doesn't make me any tougher than anybody else in the rooms, my years don't make me any 'better' of an alcoholic than a newcomer with the same number of days. We all get to do this in our own way, whatever that is.
On the 11th tradition, when I see anything in the media I ask myself if it feels like the alcoholic speaking out has put principles before personalities. This doesn't feel like that to me, and you're the only one who gets to decide if it feels like that to you. I don't sense that you're puffing up your career, you haven't compromised anyone else, and you're damn sure not speaking from the pink cloud. You haven't done anything to make the rooms feel less safe for anyone else to be there, either.
I have to wonder what Bill and Dr Bob would have thought of blogging, as different as it is from the conventional reporting of their day.
It was your example that gave me the courage to go to A.A. So thanks.
Mr. Ebert, I would just like to thank you for this article. I am a recovering addict/alcoholic, with about 16 months of sobriety under my belt. I lost a Graduate Assistantship at my University, I lost a job, and I did a 7-month stint in rehab and a halfway house. This was all because I thought I could handle myself. Everyone always told me; "you're smart, you're capable, you can handle things yourself". The drugs and alcohol were telling me the same things, all while I proceeded to throw away pieces of my life. It wasn't until I was forced to go to rehab, and actually sat, listened, and absorbed the words of the A.A. meetings, that I started gaining my life back. I am now back in school, living with the woman I intend to marry, and I owe all of it to the people who cared enough to help me in the program.
I have written a few articles on the subject of sobriety and A.A./N.A. for a website which caters to a young, independent crowd. When I mentioned that A.A. is the best method for those trying to get sober, I received all sorts of criticism from members of the site. They almost all objected to the spiritual side of the program. I have been an agnostic for quite some time, but am also smart enough to know that an Alcoholic rarely heals his own wounds. A.A. is just a smart choice. It is a kernel of true caring and kindness, in a world of cold self-interest. Again, thank you for shining some more light on the organization.
Roger, we celebrate the same AA year. I so appreciate what you wrote and how you've written it. Little did I know, 30 years ago, that I would begin a journey that has led to a full and fruitful life. Baby steps, keeping up meetings, always remembering that we are not saints, but doing the best we can on a very simple AA path (for complicated people)... it has given me a life I never would have dreamed possible. I came in in my 20's and had no idea that my last drunk truly has been my last. Every day I try to live my gratitude for another 24 hours of sobriety.
You got it right: It is a program of attraction. It's a simple program with simple steps, simple traditions. (We folks are the ones who muddy it up with gloriously complex life!) You want sobriety with the help of AA or you don't. You're willing to go to any lengths or you're not. It's that simple.
I am not an alcoholic but I have had some experience with alcoholics. A family member was required to attend three AA meetings a week as part of a DUI court program. He was in the program for his 3rd and 4th DUI offenses and that was because he was lucky. His first two were in another state and for one of those he was a minor. Our state didn't have those on record, I don't believe, otherwise he might not have been accepted into the program. AA was only part of the program, which also mandated counseling sessions and drug and alcohol testing, so I'm not going to say it's a cure-all by any stretch. I think for a lot of people counseling would be of great benefit. But counseling costs money. Ideally, in my mind, addicts should be able to get affordable one-on-one and group counseling for at least the short term and then have AA to help maintain long term sobriety.
Someone said before that people need to make themselves scared of drinks. That's what AA did for my family member. Counseling helped him get to the bottom of why he wanted to start drinking, but AA showed him what would happen if he let himself keep drinking. He said some of the stories he heard there were almost unbelievably bad. With AA he knows what lies ahead if he chooses to drink and he has a support group if he feels like drinking. That's a good thing.
Now, I'm a skeptic in most things and religion is no exception. Anything that hypes God immediately raises a red flag. But I like Roger's take on it. The "as we understood God" part is important. You don't need someone to tell you who or what God is and does. For that woman, the radiator was the higher power. I'd argue that for most AA members the association with others who are fighting the same fight is a higher power, even if they don't realize it. Strength in numbers, the whole being greater than the sum of its parts -- call it what you will, but that camaraderie, even in anonymity, allows people to face down things they aren't able to handle alone. I can't fault the "higher power" idea, regardless of my beliefs about God.
And this flack about the 11th Tradition? Really? In my mind, the "Anonymous" part of AA is less a requirement and more a right. It's why he'd introduce himself with, "My name is Roger and I'm an alcoholic," not, "My name is Roger Ebert. I'm about as famous and respected as a movie critic can be and I'm an alcoholic." I see AA as a place where everyone can find support without worrying about being judged by the outside. Now, I know a lot of AA members might not put much stock in the opinion of an outsider, but I don't see how Roger going public is anything but good. He's not being self-congratulatory. He's not hyping AA as a panacea. He's responding to critics and clarifying misconceptions. And showing that alcoholism affects everyone. He proves that any stigma surrounding alcoholism is unwarranted. And if someone is worried about being stigmatized, he's showing that even he can maintain relative anonymity for 30 years. This is good for alcoholics who know they have a problem but are hesitant to make the first step toward sobriety.
Well written account of Roger's story and hopefully will help other suffering alcoholics (in particular those who are not sober yet and are wondering if they too have a drinking problem). However, saying this as a fellow member I am not too fond of members breaking anonymity, anonymity being one of AA's strongest traditions.
The reason for this tradition (for me at least) is that if the member who breaks anonymity goes out and gets drunk again it just gives more ammunition to those who argue that AA does not work.
Lastly, as Roger has been sober and a member of AA for 30 years, it is funny he should get the facts of that first meeting between Bill W and Dr Bob incorrect: 'A.A. is an oral tradition reaching back to that first meeting between Bill W. and Doctor Bob in the lobby of an Akron hotel'.
In fact, the meeting took place at Dr Bob's home after Bill W ended up in Akron on a business trip. Bill first called a local minister from the lobby of the Mayflower hotel, who put Bill onto Dr Bob, an alcoholic doctor. The meeting followed at Bob's home (at least as the story has been told by the parties and written about repeatedly).
Other than this, I hope that the story provides inspiration, help and hope for other sufferers of this terrible affliction and disease.
Gracie R
What a great article-thank you, as I am like you. No two thumbs down from me on the anonymity. As one very long-time member of AA said once, "Well if I didn't tell you my last name and I was in the hospital, how would you know how to send me flowers?"
Anyway for me it helps knowing a public figure has had the strength to endure the hell of alcoholism, lived to tell the tale while also remaining sober. Again, thank you very much.
Thanks, Roger. I believe the 11th Tradition can bend without breaking, and your blog, like Craig Ferguson's monologue, is a great way to carry the message. I'll keep coming back.
Roger - I was very moved by your piece.
Congratulations on 30 years of sobriety.
I hope this piece gives people the courage who need the help to seek the help.
Thank you for bringing to light the AA experience for me: we have a chapter meeting weekly at my church, and yet I've known nothing about it at all.
I wish more of my family members would find their way to these meetings. Anyone who doesn't believe there are alcoholic families ("only individuals") is wrong. My dad decided to break the chain and never started drinking to begin with, which spared mom and my brothers and me much trouble, no doubt. He told us: "It is no sin to drink, but since you're a [my surname], it would be better for you to never touch it." My brothers and I follow his advice...for the most part.
I don't understand it, but it seems that my family is uniquely suited to drink. Being displaced hillbillies who ended up in California in the 40s (we're Arkies, not Okies), it runs in our melancholy religious musical blood, but that doesn't diminish the curse. I was watching a documentary entitled "Fearful Symmetry: The Making of To Kill a Mockingbird" and heard the following description of one character (I wrote it down because it described my people so well): "Bob Ewell, who was the twisted decayed remnant of those lively braggarts of Scotch-Irish descent, who never let busieness interfere with amusements, who believed there was luck in leisure, who despised machines and money and ambition, and who dueled at the hint of an insult..."
I cannot imagine my family without the influence of alcohol. Imagine a Merle Haggard who had never taken a drink. His music is a big hit in our family; too bad we're still Dealing With the Devil.
Roger - I was very moved by your piece.
Congratulations on staying sober for 30 years!!
I hope your journal gives inspiration to people who need help to actually go out and seek the help.
Thanks, Roger. I believe the 11th Tradition can bend without breaking, and your blog, like Craig Ferguson's monologue, is a great way to carry the message. I'll keep coming back.
Thanks, Roger. I've read your movie reviews since I was a grad student at NIU, and then at U of C. When I moved away my late younger brother who was still in Chicagoland sent me regular gifts of clippings of your columns (no internet yet in the late 60s). I started drinking 50 years ago, and have been clean and sober for over 19 years now. My wife, who I met in a meeting, has been sober for 23, and our home is a sort of 24/7 meeting, even though we don't go to many "real meetings" these days. I went to one in Downers Grove with my daughter (3 years off of booze and meth) while visiting Chicagoland last week.
As to the tradition, I'm glad those criticizing your "self outing" are doing such a fine job of taking your inventory. I hope they're doing as well with taking their own. From reading all of the responses, it sounds like you've indeed provided some attraction, and that's what it is all about. For those who want to argue about "God" or "Higher Power", I just suggest that they go back to read about the lady who said her HP was the radiator. Whatever works. I've also heard a guy who says his Higher Power is the "knowledge that there isn't any Higher Power".
I know that there is no one right path to sobriety. If AA works for you, keep it up. If it hasn't, you might still want to check it out again, and make it a different meeting. There are some meetings I like, but others that I don't much care for. Again, find what works for you, whether in AA or otherwise.
I still struggle with food and eating issues. OA hasn't done it for me, at least so far. But I'll keep on keeping on.
The all-time best movie about alcoholism and recovery is, "When A Man Loves A Woman" with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia. And I thought Roger was a movie critic...hehehe.
The all-time best movie about alcoholism and recovery is, "When A Man Loves A Woman" with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia. And I thought Roger was a movie critic...hehehe.
Well done, well said. I have a good friend who has been sober for far longer than I have known him, which is 16 years. I cannot even begin to fathom what his life was like when he drank, but I do know that I am grateful he is alive and well today. He, like you, shares his story after careful consideration, in hopes of inspiring others to take the first step toward saving their own lives. Because that's what it comes down to, in my opinion. So thank you, Mr. Ebert, for believing in yourself and valuing yourself enough to save your life. More power to you!
Thanks for sharing. With 47 years of sobriety I do appreciate your journey and your willingness and talent to write about it so beautifully. When I arrived I not only didn't know the answers, I didn't know the questions. When I arrived the only thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want to live the way I was living and I didn't want to die the way I was dying.AA was just a word for a preconceived idea of what an alcoholic was. What a surprise! God was fleshed out for me at my first meeting.
Keep sharing, someone just might get the idea that there is indeed help available. I love the line in the big book that says "if you want what we have and are willing........."and I thank God that I had become willing and that there were folks there to share their experience,strength and hope.
I learned that in order to keep the gift of sobriety I had to give it away.....thank you for sharing in this new way what has been given to you. Keep on writing and giving away the hope that was given to you. As they say, "It works IF you work it, and it won't if you don't."
people are missing the point about the "anonymous" thing. what's important is that one's anonymity is there to the extent that one chooses it. if you want/need the anonymity, it's yours, and you're safe. however, if one chooses to forego that anonymity for oneself ONLY, then that's one's right to do so. i'm sure there are semi-celebrities out there to come out with statements of having recovered from an addiction only to get attention. there is clearly no need for that here.
what i've never understood, and perhaps it's a good thing, is why AA members go completely without drinking at all. i drink about one six-pack a week. if i were to progress (or regress) to alcoholic stage, i would attempt to fall back to the six-pack a week. i'll guess that AA members must go completely without because the temptation would be too great if they fell back to only slight drinking.
i don't think alcoholism is a disease, assuming that by "disease" we mean a health condition that developed without knowledge, intent, or choice. if someone gets cancer from smoking, there's knowledge and intent, so smoking is not a disease even though it causes a disease. with alcohol, it's a choice and sometimes a learned behavior. i'm close with several irish families very emersed in their heritage. they joke about how they're all destined to be drinkers because of that heritage, which seems silly to me. i see kids watching their aunts, uncles, and parents going overboard with alcohol. those kids will grow up to be drinkers, which will lead someone to say they've genetically inherited an "alcoholism" gene, but that's not true. all they've inherited is the false belief that irish are supposed to drink. it is a learned behavior, not a disease.
i watched my mother slowly poison herself with a combination of cigarettes, vodka, and unhappiness. she died when i was about 21. at that point i would occasionally drink at parties with friends. the drinking age was 18 at that time, although i'd been having weekend beer since 14 in basements or parking lots before and after high school football games. after her death, i stopped, but i didn't realize that there might have been a connection until about two paragraphs ago. i didn't drink again until about 18 years later when my marriage was growing unbearable and i had my own unhappiness to deal with. a relative on my wife's side had recently joined AA and brought a crate of alcohol for me to hide in my basement. what a coincidence that the ex contributed to the beginning of my drinking just as someone from her family was ending their drinking days.
Roger,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I have been struggling with alcohol, in and out of A.A. Thinking about alcohol or thinking about getting sober have been my constant companions for years. I salute you for your courage. Your words make me stop and reconsider ... Thank you and God Bless.
Mr. Ebert,
I don't know anything about AA's 11th or 12th traditions, but I do know that my father, who was an alcohol counselor and a proponent of moderation rather than abstinence, destroyed our family by taking his own advice and continuing to drink. My mother never really recovered from their divorce, and my brother has spent 30 years as a functional alcoholic and drug addict.
My father died a few years ago of liver disease at the age of 68; I hadn't seen him in 20 years because I finally realized that the best thing I could do for my own wife and children was to keep him out of their lives, and along with everyone who seemed so willing to pretend that his drinking wasn't a problem. I shudder to think how many other lives he may have damaged dispensing horrible advice as a counselor in the prison system.
Thanks for sharing your story honestly and eloquently. As I said, I know nothing about AA's protocols, but your essay didn't strike me as promotion as much as reflection. Reading through the comments, if one or two people gain the courage to attend a meeting or recommit to the program because of what you said, you've done something really, really good.
In reference to God or a Higher Power Roger writes, "Nobody in A.A. cares how you understand him, and would never tell you how you should understand him."
I have been sober as long as you Roger. My sobriety date is in April of 1978. I have been going to meetings as long as you too. Maybe we have not been to the same meetings or maybe we hear different voices at the meetings we attend. However, there is one thing I am certain of at the meetings I go to. There are some who will express an overbearing opposition to those who don't pray, don't say the Lord's Prayer, don't follow the 12 steps, and don't read the "Big Book".
This is where AA's character of organizational ungoverned "trusted servants" and lack of "rules" defeats AA's own primary purpose. "To stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety."
I have never seen anyone tossed out of an AA meeting for stating that "the only way to stay sober is by the 12 steps." Yet, I have witnessed it many times. I suspect you have witnessed this yourself. AA meetings can be aggressively judgmental and I think not acknowledging that could be seen as dishonest.
Mr. Ebert:
Congratulations on 30 years! I just passed the 5 year mark myself, and it's been a great journey thus far. Life saving for me, as it is for most, I think.
I didn't know you were 'in the club', but I am glad you are, and glad you have shared your story publicly.
It's a personal journey and choice to share (or not) for each of us. I fall into the 'very open and honest about my sobriety with the earth people' category, but certainly respect those who have a closer boundary with regard to sharing their story. Certainly someone who has a public aspect to their life (as you do) has other things to consider when deciding to share sobriety, etc.
For those who don't sit in the rooms day in and day out, it's hard to understand how and why 12-step groups are NOT a cult. Your explanation for why it isn't was very good, by the way.
I guess I'm not terribly surprised that you are in recovery. I find that as I navigate through life, I meet people who just 'have something about them', and I later find out, hey, that person is in recovery. THAT is that 'thing' they have about them.
Those of us who are 'doing the deal', and living a true program of recovery, well, we just navigate life (on most days, anyway) a little differently. Certainly when we are spiritually centered, and in the 'middle of the boat', that seems to be the case.
I recently came into contact with a colleague of mine from pediatric residency, who always 'just had this thing about him'. I never knew what it was, but he just seemed to have this vibe (a positive one), and something very balanced and centering, and it was a joy to be around him. Interestingly, this was pre-addiction (and thus, pre-recovery) for me. But now, years later, being in recovery, it all makes sense. And now we have that special connection with one another. Very cool.
So, kudos to you, and thank you for your share. We never know what or who we might do to help another, or somehow help alter the future for someone who is struggling. That, in itself, is pretty cool, and a big part of why 12-step groups work (IMHO).
I hope I make it to 30 years, but am fairly certain I'll at least make it until tomorrow. :) One day at a time.
Thanks again, and congratulations!
Steve M
my loving AA girlfriend sent me a link to your blog, i love it, will read often,
Roger, as an Alcoholic with 39 years of sobriety I am wondering if you forgot about tradition 11.
"We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films."
There is a good reason for this tradition and I believe you are blatantly violating it.
I remember watching The Days of Wine and Roses with my Grandmother one afternoon on AMC thinking, boy that's sure and awful way to live. I was a teenager, 10 years later I found myself in the same rooms you are describing. Although I don't always agree with your film criticism I relate, appreciate, respect your presentation of the healing nature of Alcoholics Anonymous. Thanks!
Hi Roger.
Wow! Thanks for sharing your story so honestly and fearlessly! I loved the part your having no idea about the meeting that was right down the hall from your office. How subtle our recovery tools can be :)
Love to you for sharing, my brother . . .
p.s. Back when you and Gene (may he rest in peace) disagreed about a film, you were the one who was almost always right :)
The full line comes from F. Scott Fitzgerald: "First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you."
And "Harvey" has always been a great movie about the slow, subtle effects of alcohol addiction.
I too am disappointed that although you mention anonymity, you don't remain anonymous. I understand wanting to share the benefits of AA with the world, but it really does go against the traditions. If your article helps someone get to a meeting, then great, but I am still bothered by the fact that you have broken the traditions. After 30 years in the program you should know better. AA changed my life for the better and I feel very protective of the traditions that have kept it going for so long.
Roger,
I have just a couple of questions: 1)Do you have a Sponsor? 2)Do you talk to said sponsor? 3)Does he have a sponsor? Clearly if you did you would not have written this blog. You may kill more people than you save and unfortunately as with everything else in the internet society we live in today there can be no "retraction". Good luck working the 10th Step on this one.
Friend of Lois W
Roger, you have broken the traditions. That is the bottom line. Bill W. and Dr. Bob and millions more have not. Even on Bill and Bob`s grave stones there is no mention of AA. I sure hope you don`t drink over all this. I know I won`t. Not today! Keep coming back, one day at a time.
Larry J., alcoholic
sd 11/01/90
Rigby, Idaho
Roger,
Thanks for the brave recap of your worst days. I know what the 11th tradition says but if we remain totally inflexible we will go backwards. I laughed and cried as I read your article. You mentioned Grant Hospital and in the summer of 1982 I was living in the park opposite...Oz Park. Mine was the third bench in on the left hand side. It is still there. I talked to the sister of my drug buddy who had done something strange - she had gotten clean and sober. What that meant I had no idea about but I was interested in moving up in the world - or at least getting a room at the YMCA. She sent a male friend out to see me in the park and he told me his own story of insanity. It was all about drugs and alcohol and sounded strangely like my life. I had no desire to stop those...all I wanted was a better address perhaps even with a front door! When he was done he asked if I would like to go to an AA meeting with him and of course I said I would think about it. He told me that drunks like us cross an invisible line and that we will never be able to drink like "normal" people ever again. I did a little more research that weekend and found out that what he was saying was true.
Side Note: this kind man who spent time with me carrying the message dies in his alcoholism!
On Sunday night at the beginning of August I attended my first AA meeeting at that beloved Cathedral just off Rush Street - the Mustard Seed. It was lead by Alan B and he scared the crap out of me. But I was immediately taken by the atmosphere and the hope and like you I never left and by Gods Grace have not found it necessary to take a drink or a drug since the 1st August 1982. I went back every day sometimes two or three times as I saw that this was the only hope that I had. I met my sponsor there Tom M and we have been fast friends ever since. I ran into Alan B, and St.Jimmie H,(from Yale to jail, from Park Avenue to Park bench) Henry H, Nancy H (with her mink)and Celia and Howard. It was people like these that saved my life period. They taught me how to live, be a man, a husband and a father and I am eternally grateful.
I also ran into you and your newsreading sidekick and like the guy you talked about would go and watch a late evening lead with you two and would wonder if I was watching TV or was at a meeting. I have shaken your hand and have protected your anonymity because you came across like another scared drunk just like me! I met my wife Lucy B in that room at the Mustard Seed,I served food there on Thanksgiving,and it became the center of my new life.
So Roger dear friend in recovery thanks for the words, thanks for the inspiration, and thanks for the example....am also a movie freak and still always look to see what you say. But all in all nothing you say about movies can ever be as important as what you have shared here. I put it on a par with Rollie Hemsley breaking his anonymity in 1940 and that did not bring our beloved AA down.
Olathe, Kansas 2009
Ebert: I had and have the greatest love for those people.
This is in response to Roger's comment to my response to the article:
Roger:
Please don't tell people not to point out your dirty laundry when you choose to hang it in the most public of ways. My response to you was based on AA tradition. Let's not only address Tradition 11 but 12 as well: "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities".
You imply that my response hurts the needy. I disagree. It's important to tell the newcomer that we are not a cult of personality and that anonymity is important.
As Bill W. was wont to say, "the good is often the enemy of the best". I fail to see where your story is so compelling that you chose to fly in the face of AA history and Tradition. If Bill and Bob (and countless others) didn't break their anonymity "after a great deal of consideration" then why have you?
I am always saddened when people forget the second word in "Alcoholics Anonymous". Worse, when they specifically break an important tradition. Is the Big Book is "how it works", the 12x12 is "why it works".
The motivations behind your piece are of little import, but what is worrying is that your actions suggest that you know 'better' than Bill or Bob or the countless others who have obeyed this tradition. They believed so much in this tradition that the Traditions were adopted in 1955 at AA's first International Convention, and are followed to this day by AA's many millions of Anonymous members.
I recommend anyone who thinks breaking a tradition is "ok" - and more so it's "ok if you're a celebrity" - should attend a Traditions meeting and learn the reasons behind the traditions.
At one point, AA would send out notices to newspapers (read about it in Tradition 11 of the 12x12). I do not know if this is still done.
There is a very famous American actor who is clearly in AA but has never blown his anonymity. At one major late night talk show, the host mentioned that, at the time, he had 25 years of sobriety. The audience applauded. The actor immediately replied "Applauding an alcoholic for not drinking is like applauding a cowboy with hemorrhoids for getting off his horse."
We are not fan boys. I attended one meeting where a major American politician was in attendance. Someone made a noise and was immediately rewarded with a poke in the ribs. We do not deny a celebrity anonymity nor should they break theirs.
The minute we believe "my story is too important - I must tell everyone at the level at "press, radio and films(and obviously TV)" then we no longer understand that this is a 'we' program, not a 'me' program.
I have had the same option as you to break my anonymity at the level of "press,radio and film" (and TV). I choose not to. My choice is based on the overwhelming experience of AA and as expressed in our Traditions.
Your choice, as always, is yours. But, having made yours, I believe I am quite with my rights - in a public forum - to respond. Indeed, your column has a "comment" section for just that purpose.
Have I scared away any potential members? I hope not. But as was pointed out to me when I came into these rooms quite a few 24 hours ago "There is nothing you can do to make a person drink and there's nothing you can do to make him stop." When someone is ready to quit drinking, they will.
This is not a personal attack, Roger. It's rather an attempt to point out that many of us in AA still follow the Steps and Traditions as close to how they're written rather than reinterpreting them as we see fit. In fact, you make a point of this in your mention that atheists are a vital (and growing) part of AA. We are, indeed, not a religious organization.
Likewise, we are not a "Bully pulpit" to crow about how long we've stopped sitting on the horse.
Returning to your comment that my original doesn't help a potential member: AA is not a cult of celebrity. And, as we obviously disagree about your interpretation of anonymity, we are showing that AA is a diverse group. So, yes, I think I am being helpful. The vast majority of us in a position to do so do not break this Tradition. If fact the majority of those in the public eye who do are newcomers to the program.
I would humbly suggest that not one of your readers were unaware of AA prior to your article. Likewise, I likewise suggest that nearly all of them are aware that celebrities are in AA. If you had posted your story anonymously in the Chicago-Tribune, what would the reader reaction have been? Mostly, I feel. they would go "that's nice."
And, in closing, by "outing" yourself how much are you encourage the media to "out" others? I am not ashamed that I am in AA nor am I proud: merely grateful. Had I been outed in my early days, who knows if I would have stayed around? I know first-hand that not everyone likes AA - in fact, I have lost work from people who have a negative attitude to AA.
Original comment and Roger's response below:
By Anonymous on August 26, 2009 8:55 AM
Isn't the second word in your organization "Anonymous"? And have you ever read - certainly you don't understand - Tradition 11 which discusses anonymity at the level of press, radio and films?
Perhaps now that you've been around for 30 years, you should, perhaps, attend a Traditions meeting?
Really, Roger: Did you write this with any consideration at all? Why are you 'showing off' your 30 years? I'd like to know. What makes you so important that you'd do this?
I remain anonymous,
Me
Ebert: I wrote it after a great deal of consideration, which I suggested near the beginning of the piece. Do you feel your comment will be of assistance to an alcoholic who is still drinking, and who reads through this thread?
Roger,
Thanks for the brave recap of your worst days. I know what the 11th tradition says but if we remain totally inflexible we will go backwards. I laughed and cried as I read your article. You mentioned Grant Hospital and in the summer of 1982 I was living in the park opposite...Oz Park. Mine was the third bench in on the left hand side. It is still there. I talked to the sister of my drug buddy who had done something strange - she had gotten clean and sober. What that meant I had no idea about but I was interested in moving up in the world - or at least getting a room at the YMCA. She sent a male friend out to see me in the park and he told me his own story of insanity. It was all about drugs and alcohol and sounded strangely like my life. I had no desire to stop those...all I wanted was a better address perhaps even with a front door! When he was done he asked if I would like to go to an AA meeting with him and of course I said I would think about it. He told me that drunks like us cross an invisible line and that we will never be able to drink like "normal" people ever again. I did a little more research that weekend and found out that what he was saying was true.
Side Note: this kind man who spent time with me carrying the message dies in his alcoholism!
On Sunday night at the beginning of August I attended my first AA meeeting at that beloved Cathedral just off Rush Street - the Mustard Seed. It was lead by Alan B and he scared the crap out of me. But I was immediately taken by the atmosphere and the hope and like you I never left and by Gods Grace have not found it necessary to take a drink or a drug since the 1st August 1982. I went back every day sometimes two or three times as I saw that this was the only hope that I had. I met my sponsor there Tom M and we have been fast friends ever since. I ran into Alan B, and St.Jimmie H,(from Yale to jail, from Park Avenue to Park bench) Henry H, Nancy H (with her mink)and Celia and Howard. It was people like these that saved my life period. They taught me how to live, be a man, a husband and a father and I am eternally grateful.
I also ran into you and your newsreading sidekick and like the guy you talked about would go and watch a late evening lead with you two and would wonder if I was watching TV or was at a meeting. I have shaken your hand and have protected your anonymity because you came across like another scared drunk just like me! I met my wife Lucy B in that room at the Mustard Seed,I served food there on Thanksgiving,and it became the center of my new life.
So Roger dear friend in recovery thanks for the words, thanks for the inspiration, and thanks for the example....am also a movie freak and still always look to see what you say. But all in all nothing you say about movies can ever be as important as what you have shared here. I put it on a par with Rollie Hemsley breaking his anonymity in 1940 and that did not bring our beloved AA down.
Olathe, Kansas 2009
Ebert: I rememeber every one of those people with great love.
Thank You Roger,
I too am a very grateful recovered alcoholic.
I do not have a problem with people breaking their own anonymity.
Didnt Bill Wilson himself say "We should not be so anonymous that another drunk cant find us"? For people like me it could be life and death... I get my recovery from the internet. I hurt my back setting a cast iron bath tub and I didnt have health insurance, nor anything set aside for "retirement".... so I cant afford gas money to get to meetings (which are all 5 miles away in every direction). I am sure there are others in similar situations who get their recovery online, like me. I am celebrating 15 years clean and sober this month. Thank God and AA and fine people like you who have shown me this new freedom and new happiness.
We have a disease that tells us we dont have a disease, so just dont pick up that first drink; no matter what, just for today!
Dan G
North Highlands, CA
Mr. Ebert,
Congratulations on finding something that worked for you. I may give you a hard time every now and then but would genuinely have missed your writing had you not been able to come to terms with your alcoholism.
Since I give you a hard time on other issues, I'll toss you a softball here. Can you provide a quick list of the movies you think best portray alcoholism? Having no personal experience with alcoholism, I've always wondered if any film really gets it right.
Mr. Ebert,
Thanks for this. I have been a fan since I heard you speak at the University of Illinois in 1998 when you were introducing 2001 (I believe it was at the Virginia Theatre). Back then, I was in my senior year at the University as an English major and Cinema Studies Minor. Back then I had a different idea about how my life would have been until I found alcohol to be my only priority. Now in recovery and an active member of AA, I agree with everything you said. Thanks for the pick me up with this blog, and congratulations on your 30 yrs. Without "old timers" like you, the new comers (and those of us that have begun to be around for awhile) would not be able to trudge that road to happy destiny. MEH Moline, IL
I sent a rather lengthy congratulatory comment yesterday, which apparently failed to get through. That is just as well, since it is interesting to read the comments of so many people -- particularly those who criticize AA. It has been my experience during 38 years of AA sobriety that many of the critics don't possess the one requirement for membership, "a desire to stop drinking." There is also the misconception that AA is some sort of religious program or cult. I only wish that some of the critics would hang around AA rooms for a few months. They would hear a range of beliefs about our "Higher Power." The principles that got me sober are universal. Who can criticize honesty, trust, faith, courage and humility. With reference to the Eleventh Tradition, I broke my anonymity in a recently published memoir because AA principles were the mainstay of my thirty year successful career as an investigative reporter. Alluding to some mysterious 12-Step program in a 493 page book would be ridiculous. I want alcoholics -- recovering and/or boozing -- to read about the miracle of my sobriety from a New Orleans gutter to a happy and useful life. When I arrived with a "desire" in February, 1971, I was looking for people with whom to compare, rather than share. I soon learned we were all different, except for a bond that keeps me connected to the fellowship nearly four decades later. Your performed an important service by sharing, Roger.
Roger, my eyes are tearing. I am two days without a drink for the first time in 25 years. Last night, I slept a total of 20 minutes (too restless). I have a low grade headache, but I find myself calmer and more accepting. Thanks for taking me to the 12th step - you have always been an idol of mine. And this just cements it.
It's a terrific story. You are a writer and you are telling your story -- which is entirely valid and likely to be immensely helpful. The 11th tradition -- as I read it -- refers to people appointing themselves spokesmen and spokeswomen for AA, or taking an identity as an AA member (or, even worse, an AA leader of some kind).
We are allowed to tell our stories. We tell them at meetings -- both open and closed meetings. Our stories keep us sober, bind us and provide communion with one another. Here, you're telling your story to a really wide audience. This just seems generous. You've opened yourself, you've told your story of drunkenness and sobriety, and I can say right now it's helping me. And also -- it's a great read.
Roger,
Thanks for the brave recap of your worst days. I know what the 11th tradition says but if we remain totally inflexible we will go backwards. I laughed and cried as I read your article. You mentioned Grant Hospital and in the summer of 1982 I was living in the park opposite...Oz Park. Mine was the third bench in on the left hand side. It is still there. I talked to the sister of my drug buddy who had done something strange - she had gotten clean and sober. What that meant I had no idea about but I was interested in moving up in the world - or at least getting a room at the YMCA. She sent a male friend out to see me in the park and he told me his own story of insanity. It was all about drugs and alcohol and sounded strangely like my life. I had no desire to stop those...all I wanted was a better address perhaps even with a front door! When he was done he asked if I would like to go to an AA meeting with him and of course I said I would think about it. He told me that drunks like us cross an invisible line and that we will never be able to drink like "normal" people ever again. I did a little more research that weekend and found out that what he was saying was true.
Side Note: this kind man who spent time with me carrying the message dies in his alcoholism!
On Sunday night at the beginning of August I attended my first AA meeeting at that beloved Cathedral just off Rush Street - the Mustard Seed. It was lead by Alan B and he scared the crap out of me. But I was immediately taken by the atmosphere and the hope and like you I never left and by Gods Grace have not found it necessary to take a drink or a drug since the 1st August 1982. I went back every day sometimes two or three times as I saw that this was the only hope that I had. I met my sponsor there Tom M and we have been fast friends ever since. I ran into Alan B, and St.Jimmie H,(from Yale to jail, from Park Avenue to Park bench) Henry H, Nancy H (with her mink)and Celia and Howard. It was people like these that saved my life period. They taught me how to live, be a man, a husband and a father and I am eternally grateful.
I also ran into you and your newsreading sidekick Ron X and like the guy you talked about would go and watch a late evening lead with you two and would wonder if I was watching TV or was at a meeting. I have shaken your hand and have protected your anonymity because you came across like another scared drunk just like me! I met my wife Lucy B in that room at the Mustard Seed,I served food there on Thanksgiving,and it became the center of my new life.
So Roger dear friend in recovery thanks for the words, thanks for the inspiration, and thanks for the example....am also a movie freak and still always look to see what you say. But all in all nothing you say about movies can ever be as important as what you have shared here. I put it on a par with Rollie Hemsley breaking his anonymity in 1940 and that did not bring our beloved AA down.
Olathe, Kansas 2009
I went to the Overeater's anonymous program in 1975. It took me 6 years of attending meetings, and not giving up , to finally stop binging, I just kept going until I got it, and the obsession was finally removed. This past March 17th I celebrated 28 years of abstinence from compulsive overeating.
I owe a lot of this to the open AA meetings, which were available to me during the day , and I attended at lunch time. Even though I didn't share at these meetings, the message was the same and I felt at home. The AA open meetings were a life saver for me, and I attended many.
The steps and teachings of the program are just a part of my life today. What made a difference for me, and helped me into recovery, one day at a time, is never forgetting what my last binge felt like, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Thank you so much for sharing. You have made my day.
Roger, I am two days without a drink for the first time in 25 years. Last night, I slept a total of 20 minutes (too restless). I have a low grade headache, but I find myself calmer for some strange reason. Since 15 years old, I have never had a sober day. If it wasn't booze, it was drugs - usually both. Add to that a few more addictions, and you can imagine how I have lived my life around them. Never missed a day of school or work though, the only thing I ever missed was my life. Recently, a stranger asked the simplest of questions, "what do you like to do?". Roger, I had no answer. I couldn't possibly say that the only thing I do is drink. I think I might have 20-25 years left, so I hope someday I can respond to the question with an answer that someone might find interesting.
Thank you Roger and I hope to make it through today - Day 3.
I first began this comment by writing "Alcohol nearly killed me...", but erased it immediately because it just wasn't an honest statement. Actually, I nearly killed myself using alcohol as a panacea for a damaged soul. Liver failure followed by an excruciating year of medical problems and multiple hospitalizations after trying to dry out on my own finally led me to AA and extensive group therapy in an outpatient program. I can truly say that I am "sober" and have been for the past 7 1/2 years.
AA is a wonderful organization and I encourage everyone (alcoholic or non-alcoholic) to read the Blue Book, for it shares so many stories of sadness, loss, and ultimately triumph. My counselor in group therapy always responded that those who scoffed at the notion of a Higher Power weren't being honest: Alcohol IS a Higher Power for those who continue to drink. The key is transferring the power that alcohol has over you to something else....i.e., God, the sun, nature, the 4th brick from the right in your fireplace or someplace deep inside yourself that you've totaly lost touch with....whatever it takes, as long as your belief is sincere and your effort is honest.
I cherish my sobriety and am vigilant in protecting it. I am finally successful at being a wife and mother with my health much improved. Thank you for sharing and giving others the opportunity to do the same.
My father, an alcoholic, died at 51. The doctors, wanting to know why a relatively young and seemingly healthy man had died so suddenly, did an autopsy and found the internal organs of a 90-year-old man.
That did it for me.
Addiction can be manifested in many ways and the concept of A.A and the 12-Steps is the core of the majority of self-help groups but in the current era those who suffer from addiction may need a bit more such as AOD Treatment services. However, the Gov. and those who we have elected to look out for our best interest has selected to cut the budget that allows individuals an opportunity to receive help, many will continue to suffer and even die due to this political game. The money provided for alcohol and substance abuse treatment makes up less than 1% of the overall state's budget and yet it has taken one of the deepest cuts.
Ah, the good old days. May they never come again.
Dear Fellow Recovering Alcoholic,
Thank you for this latest blog "column". I don't know that it will eclipse your enviable body of work but it will be one of the high points of it. This is as much a service to readers and the friends and loved ones to whom it will be forwarded as anything else you've written.
May your God bless you and yours,
!2 years sober
Addiction can be manifested in many ways and the concept of A.A and the 12-Steps is the core of the majority of self-help groups but in the current era those who suffer from addiction may need a bit more such as AOD Treatment services. However, the Gov. and those who we have elected to look out for our best interest has selected to cut the budget that allows individuals an opportunity to receive help, many will continue to suffer and even die due to this political game. The money provided for alcohol and substance abuse treatment makes up less than 1% of the overall state's budget and yet it has taken one of the deepest cuts.
"A.A. is an oral tradition reaching back to that first meeting between Bill W. and Doctor Bob in the lobby of an Akron hotel."
Nice article, IF you had remained anonymous. Long term sobriety does not grant special power to deviate from the traditions without consequence. Your anonymity break threatens AA unity and, as the first tradition explains, "our common welfare comes first."
On a point of AA history, Bob and Bill did not meet in the lobby of an Akron hotel. Oxford Group member Henrietta Seiberling, not an alcoholic herself, arranged their first meeting at her home, hoping that one drunk talking to another might help when all else had failed.
TRADITION 12 (long form): And finally, we of Alcoholics Anonymous believe that the principle of Anonymity has an immense spiritual significance. It reminds us that we are to place principles before personalities; that we are actually to practice a genuine humility. This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all.
Thank You Roger,
I too am a very grateful recovered alcoholic.
I do not have a problem with people breaking their own anonymity.
Didnt Bill Wilson himself say "We should not be so anonymous that another drunk cant find us"? For people like me it could be life and death... I get my recovery from the internet. I hurt my back setting a cast iron bath tub and I didnt have health insurance, nor anything set aside for "retirement".... so I cant afford gas money to get to meetings (which are all 5 miles away in every direction). I am sure there are others in similar situations who get their recovery online, like me. I am celebrating 15 years clean and sober this month. Thank God and AA and fine people like you who have shown me this new freedom and new happiness.
We have a disease that tells us we dont have a disease, so just dont pick up that first drink; no matter what, just for today!
Dan G
North Highlands, CA
Roger, thank you for the article. Alcoholism is baffling. It is not only about the alcohol, because after a person quits, the problems remain. It ties up families. June 1st made 29 years for me. The wild roller coaster rides are less often now. Many people are grateful to A.A. and I am certainly one. "Your thinking is stinking" says a lot to me. A.A. has many great pearls. "Let go and let God" is a good first step to sobriety.
I don't know anything about AA's 11th or 12th traditions, but your essay didn't strike me as promotion as much as reflection. If even one or two people gain the courage to attend a meeting or recommit to the program because of what you said, you've done something really, really good.
My father, who was an alcohol counselor and a proponent of moderation rather than abstinence, destroyed our family by taking his own advice and continuing to drink. My mother never really recovered from their divorce, and my brother has spent 30 years as a functional alcoholic and drug addict.
My father died a few years ago of liver disease at the age of 68; I hadn't seen him in 20 years because I finally realized that the best thing I could do for my own wife and children was to keep him out of their lives, and along with everyone who seemed so willing to pretend that his drinking wasn't a problem. I shudder to think how many other lives he may have damaged dispensing horrible advice as a counselor in the prison system.
Again, I can't speak to AA's protocols, but as someone whose life has been irreversibly changed by one man's alcoholism, I deeply appreciate you sharing your story. From the comments it seems clear that you've already helped some other people by reaching out.
Roger you hit it right on the head. If you don't want it don't come. But let me say that carring the message to another Alcholic through the steps there is an intenementsy that no should miss. this yesr I lost a dear friend in AA he had 30 some years in the program his hand was there when I came in 25 years ago and my hand was there when he died. God and AA sprituality made that possabily. The last words to each other were Love You Buddy. Something wonderful
happens to me every day. Wilson & Smith met in the Carrage House in Akron Smith would only give him 15 minutes and he stayed long into the night. You should look at founders day when your health is up to it. Roger thanks for the great message. You are that wonderful thing today. God Bless Dennis F.
To those who say the Traditions are optional, I say you must not have become very involved in service work, a crucial element of recovery. Nothing would get done at the group level and beyond if we did not have the Traditions as our guide.
As one who's served as a phone volunteer at AA Intergroups in two populous areas over the past 14 years, I can tell you unequivocably that most people, when making their first call to AA, unknowingly ask questions that pertain to the 12 Traditions rather than the 12 Steps. How much does it cost? (Nothing.) Who runs AA? (AA members -- it's a democracy.) Do I have to sign anything? (No.) The meeting is at St. Joe's -- does that mean it's affiliated with the church? (No.) Is that rehab AA-approved? (Never.) What does AA think about other methods of recovery? (AA has no opinion on outside issues.) A big celebrity just told the whole world that he's an AA member -- will I have to do that? (We strongly suggest you don't.)
I notice Roger's story includes no mention of service work. That would be quite an oversight if he's done a significant amount of it over his 30 years, and quite a tragedy if he hasn't.
As for me, my home group devotes an hour to the study of a Tradition on the last Wednesday of every month. Tonight's Tradition 8. We usually get 40-50 people for a Traditions meeting -- less than we get for a Steps meeting on the other Wednesdays or our open meetings on Mondays. But still a significant number. I am proud of my group for taking this seriously and proud of the members who show up every Wednesday to discuss topics that others label dry or optional.
Thank you, Roger. You've done a beautiful job of describing the rooms. I've done the same, I hope, in a very short piece linked below. It's just 299 words. I'd be honored if you read it.
http://bit.ly/1241kr
Roger,
If your intent on publishing this wonderful essay was to help a practicing alcoholic gather the courage to get to AA then congratulations, you have succeeded. I am what you would consider a highly-functioning alcoholic - productive, good job, great family, physically fit - but totally addicted to alcohol. I have been trying for years to get it under control, moderate, cut back, quit, etc. with no success. Each attempt at sobriety that has resulted in failure makes me feel more and more hopeless. Just last week I swore off alcohol, again, only to have a few drinks last night. I did not want the drinks, I needed them. There is so much secrecy and shame associated with alcohol addiction. I've often said to my husband, "If only I knew one other person who was in my position it would be easier to deal with." So, Roger, I guess you're my person.
I've always suspected that AA would be of great help to me but I've been too ashamed to admit I wasn't strong enough to do this on my own. Your essay came at exactly the moment, the morning, I needed to see it. Please know that you have helped one person take a frightening, but important step toward helping herself. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Heaven forbid, but if something happens and you go out and drink again, what will that say about A.A.? Does your individual success alone show that A.A. works? If so, then would a misstep on your part means that A.A. doesn't work? I understand your sentiment, but the traditions are there for a reason.
"Tradition 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need ALWAYS maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films."
As a fellow writer (well, more of a hobbyist who sometimes gets paid), I wonder if you have any thoughts about the mythos of the drinking author. Poe, Fitzgerald, Hemingway, O'Neil, Faulkner, et. al.: is it an occupational hazard? Has it become a rite of passage? I certainly don't know if writers really do drink more than others, but a writer's drinking is certainly more -- is "celebrated" the correct word? My own experience leads me to believe that we are productive in spite of alcohol and not because of it. Yet the connection remains and it remains puzzling.
Roger, thanks ever so much for saying all that you did. I have been a fan of yours for a long time as well as a native Chicagoan. Having just celebrated 21 years of sobriety myself, I have known the true joy of recovery even though, as we know, life just keeps on truckin' and we need to find a different way of dealing with it.
In fact, some of my roughest life "patches" came AFTER I got sober! That is one of the main things that AA has given to me: actual, practical TOOLS that I can use in everyday living now that my coping mechanism of alcohol is no longer part of my life. That includes a long time, very patient and dear sponsor.
I laud your decision to go "public" with this, not withstanding the
11th tradition. To me, we need more open disclosures of the kind you have done here to promote the Program as simply as you stated it: it is there for those that need and want it and can be a way out if you CHOOSE to make it so and this has been YOUR experience with it. I have been in the meetings and hospitality industry for over 35 years, 21 of that in recovery. Since it is such an integral part of that business (and all of that is fine) if you have an issue with alcohol, you either learn how to deal with it or find something different to do. I have been pretty open about my recovery in my various employment situations (when the timing was right!) and as a result I have found myself in many 12 step situations when asked to do so for colleagues.
I TRIED to stop on my own, even when I KNEW I had a problem and just COULD NOT until I finally surrendered (turned my power over to someone else for this...in my case God) and the Program of AA and that has saved my life to this day. Is it for everyone? Probably not, for whatever reasons. My experience has shown that for many of those for whom the Program has not worked, they have not REALLY given the Program a chance to work and/or have not, truly, practiced the principles in all their affairs.
My very best to you in your continued recovery and thank-you for your courage to speak out!
Don
Plano, TX
Roger, thanks ever so much for saying all that you did. I have been a fan of yours for a long time as well as a native Chicagoan. Having just celebrated 21 years of sobriety myself, I have known the true joy of recovery even though, as we know, life just keeps on truckin' and we need to find a different way of dealing with it.
In fact, some of my roughest life "patches" came AFTER I got sober! That is one of the main things that AA has given to me: actual, practical TOOLS that I can use in everyday living now that my coping mechanism of alcohol is no longer part of my life. That includes a long time, very patient and dear sponsor.
I laud your decision to go "public" with this, not withstanding the
11th tradition. To me, we need more open disclosures of the kind you have done here to promote the Program as simply as you stated it: it is there for those that need and want it and can be a way out if you CHOOSE to make it so and this has been YOUR experience with it. I have been in the meetings and hospitality industry for over 35 years, 21 of that in recovery. Since it is such an integral part of that business (and all of that is fine) if you have an issue with alcohol, you either learn how to deal with it or find something different to do. I have been pretty open about my recovery in my various employment situations (when the timing was right!) and as a result I have found myself in many 12 step situations when asked to do so for colleagues.
I TRIED to stop on my own, even when I KNEW I had a problem and just COULD NOT until I finally surrendered (turned my power over to someone else for this...in my case God) and the Program of AA and that has saved my life to this day. Is it for everyone? Probably not, for whatever reasons. My experience has shown that for many of those for whom the Program has not worked, they have not REALLY given the Program a chance to work and/or have not, truly, practiced the principles in all their affairs.
My very best to you in your continued recovery and thank-you for your courage to speak out!
Don
Plano, TX
You hit it right on the head thank you. The fellowship of AA are people huddled together in terror of their first drink. The fellowship of the spirit are those who live happy joyous and free. The 12 steps is the journey we take to be spiritual. There is no grater reward than guiding another man along this journey. The friendship and intementsy are a direct gift from God. No man who enters the rooms of AA should miss these moments. We are responsiable. I take this very seriously. God Bless and get well soon. Hope I run into you at a meeting someday just to hug and say keep comung back. God loves you and so do we.
Dennis F.
Thanks, Roger. Been struggling with drinking for many years, and I've stopped for days, weeks and months at a time, but that damn beer siren always comes calling. And I love Irish pubs...I've tried AA but the God part bugged me, along with labeling myself (alcoholic or anything else) and the seeming contradiction between helpless addict/guilty guy who needs to make amends, etc...But your fine essay has me thinking that perhaps I'm missing the bigger picture of the organization and it might be worth another shot. I'm grateful.--Anon
I also think you can bend the 11th tradition.If its going to help or maybe even save someones life.By reading some of the feedback you have received you have carried the aa message in a big way.thank you for your story.
Maybe I didn't get the memo...I thought the name of the program was Alcoholics ANONYMOUS. When did AA alter their principle of anonymity? I thought speaking publicly about one's recovery in AA was considered contrary to the spiritual principles of AA. I was led to believe that the principle of anonymity, is, or at least it use to be, a bedrock principle of AA. In addition to protecting members from social stigmatization the principle of anonymity promotes humility by discouraging self-centered public self-aggrandizement, and guarding against the possibility that a public AA "success" might turn into a high profile public AA "failure."
Maybe it's just my imagination, but it seems to me there are more and more people who either don't know or don't care very much about this core principle of the AA fellowship.
I admire and respect Roger Ebert, I salute his sobriety, but this story is more fitting for the Big Book or some other AA publication rather than the the Chicago Sun Times and Huffington Post(where I found it). In either case, wouldn't it be more consistent with AA principles if his story had been published anonymously?
Roger,
Thanks for the brave recap of your worst days. I know what the 11th tradition says but if we remain totally inflexible we will go backwards. I laughed and cried as I read your article. You mentioned Grant Hospital and in the summer of 1982 I was living in the park opposite...Oz Park. Mine was the third bench in on the left hand side. It is still there. I talked to the sister of my drug buddy who had done something strange - she had gotten clean and sober. What that meant I had no idea about but I was interested in moving up in the world - or at least getting a room at the YMCA. She sent a male friend out to see me in the park and he told me his own story of insanity. It was all about drugs and alcohol and sounded strangely like my life. I had no desire to stop those...all I wanted was a better address perhaps even with a front door! When he was done he asked if I would like to go to an AA meeting with him and of course I said I would think about it. He told me that drunks like us cross an invisible line and that we will never be able to drink like "normal" people ever again. I did a little more research that weekend and found out that what he was saying was true.
Side Note: this kind man who spent time with me carrying the message dies in his alcoholism!
On Sunday night at the beginning of August I attended my first AA meeeting at that beloved Cathedral just off Rush Street - the Mustard Seed. It was lead by Alan B and he scared the crap out of me. But I was immediately taken by the atmosphere and the hope and like you I never left and by Gods Grace have not found it necessary to take a drink or a drug since the 1st August 1982. I went back every day sometimes two or three times as I saw that this was the only hope that I had. I met my sponsor there Tom M and we have been fast friends ever since. I ran into Alan B, and St.Jimmie H,(from Yale to jail, from Park Avenue to Park bench) Henry H, Nancy H (with her mink)and Celia and Howard. It was people like these that saved my life period. They taught me how to live, be a man, a husband and a father and I am eternally grateful.
I also ran into you and your newsreading sidekick Ron X and like the guy you talked about would go and watch a late evening lead with you two and would wonder if I was watching TV or was at a meeting. I have shaken your hand and have protected your anonymity because you came across like another scared drunk just like me! I met my wife Lucy B in that room at the Mustard Seed,I served food there on Thanksgiving,and it became the center of my new life.
So Roger dear friend in recovery thanks for the words, thanks for the inspiration, and thanks for the example....am also a movie freak and still always look to see what you say. But all in all nothing you say about movies can ever be as important as what you have shared here. I put it on a par with Rollie Hemsley breaking his anonymity in 1940 and that did not bring our beloved AA down.
Olathe, Kansas 2009
To those who say the Traditions are optional, I say you must not have become very involved in service work, a crucial element of recovery. Nothing would get done at the group level and beyond if we did not have the Traditions as our guide.
As one who's served as a phone volunteer at AA Intergroups in two populous areas over the past 14 years, I can tell you unequivocably that most people, when making their first call to AA, unknowingly ask questions that pertain to the 12 Traditions rather than the 12 Steps. How much does it cost? (Nothing.) Who runs AA? (AA members -- it's a democracy.) Do I have to sign anything? (No.) The meeting is at St. Joe's -- does that mean it's affiliated with the church? (No.) Is that rehab AA-approved? (Never.) What does AA think about other methods of recovery? (AA has no opinion on outside issues.) A big celebrity just told the whole world that he's an AA member -- will I have to do that? (We strongly suggest you don't.)
I notice Roger's story includes no mention of service work. That would be quite an oversight if he's done a significant amount of it over his 30 years, and quite a tragedy if he hasn't.
My home group devotes an hour to the study of a Tradition on the last Wednesday of every month. Tonight's Tradition 8. We usually get 40-50 people for a Traditions meeting -- less than we get for a Steps meeting on the other Wednesdays or our open meetings on Mondays. But still a significant number. I am proud of my group for taking this seriously and proud of the members who show up every Wednesday to discuss topics that others label dry or optional.
I never knew you were an alcoholic. After all these years reading your columns, I thought I "knew" you. Thank you for inspiring so many people.
Thank you for sharing your story. I guess breaking your anonymity is your decision. But it is good to know that a "celebrity" can be so quiet for thirty years. That brings me to the second part of the 12th tradition, "principles before personalities". The principles are the essence of the traditions. But they are indeed goals that are never reached. We strive as people and especially as alcoholics for humility. If you have the intentions of helping others with this blog then I think a level of humility has been reached. It has certainly made me think more about my sobriety today. Thank you!
What a wonderful article...I quit in 1971....the worst thing that ever happened to me (Im an ALCOHOLIC????) and the BEST thing that ever happened to me (I'm an alcoholic...and I don't have to drink anymore.) Roger, you described the experience beautifully and I thank you. Sure am passing this along. Higher Power bless you.
Thank you for this post, Mr. Ebert. You have honored all those who have struggled with alcoholism, including my late father, also a journalist. You've helped me understand a little better, these many years later, just how crucial and vital A.A. was for him in his survival. He would have read this with a nod, and a smile. And you would have got in the mail a few days later one of his terrific, funny, to-the-point, typewritten notes.
Permit me, then, to extend my own thanks here.
> By Anonymous on August 25, 2009 11:09 PM
> Roger:
> We did not elect you to explain AA to the public. And that's how we decide such things. Our literature
> and public-service announcements are voted on each spring in New York City by elected delegates
> after the delegates receive input from the groups. Sometimes I'll agree with the group conscience and
> sometimes I won't, but it is never my place to override it or circumvent it."
Yikes!!! Now THAT makes AA sound like a crazy cult!!!!!
'Lighten-up with Roger's choice to reveal his attendence to AA. It's a free country -- plus, his position of being a public figure does entitle him to speak of the matter; and, I think he's provided a public service in doing so.
---------------------------------------
I've only scimmed the other posts but, I can think of an array of powerful movies upon the subject that I haven't seen mentioned:
1. Rock Hudson, in the 'The Winding Road' -- or something. But, Hudson's character did admit he needed something bigger than himself.
2.'Under the Volcano', Kennedy could write about it ... Death by honesty
3. 'Ironweed', Perhaps one of my favorites. One of Jack Nicholson's best in my estimation.
4. Mickey Roark, as an amature boxer, tough, and writer in ... ? What is it about writing and drinking --the 'blank page' syndrome, or something to do with the gift of gab and booze? Too unrealistic, but it sure got that flavor down.
5. 'The Morning After' Jane Fonda, Jeff Bridges ... so so
6.'Beowolf' or was that about a hero? Well then, 'Tough Guys Don't Dance', with Ryan ONeill -- it did at least broach the homosexuality angle for many alcoholics.
7.'The Salton Sea', or does crank count?
8. 'The Man with the Golden Arm', Sinatra did another better one on that subject too.
9. 'The Unforgiven' Yea, he fell off the wagon.
10. 'Candy' -- Richard Burton lapping it up off the limo floor.
The above may be more properly posted to the 'Great Movies' thread but it doesn't seem to be taking new posts.
Entry reminded me of the ironic old Irish joke I've been telling for years...the one about the mourners gathered about the deceased at an Irish wake.
"What did he die of?" one asks the widow.
"He died of the drink," she replied.
"Did he go to AA?"
"He wasn't that bad."
I had forgotten till now the source was your column, "Why John Belushi died." Your remarks from 25 years ago are still quite relevant to the current discussion.
Hello Mr. Ebert and Happy Birthday! I knew there was a reason why I always liked you and respected your opinion. I have been sober since 12/09/1991. I miss you and Siskel bantering and laughing together. I'm sure you do, too.
Keep up the good work and I do hope your health is excellent these days.
Take care and I'll leave with a quote from one of my favorite movies which does relate to my belief in a Higher Power today:
"Because the human beings, my son, they believe everything is alive. Not only man and animals. But also water, earth, stone."
"The God word. The critics never quote the words "as we understood God." Nobody in A.A. cares how you understand him, and would never tell you how you should understand him. I went to a few meetings of "4A" ("Alcoholics and Agnostics in A.A."), but they spent too much time talking about God. The important thing is not how you define a Higher Power. The important thing is that you don't consider yourself to be your own Higher Power, because your own best thinking found your bottom for you. One sweet lady said her higher power was a radiator in the Mustard Seed, "because when I see it, I know I'm sober."
Hey Roger,
Not sure if you understand what it says in the book. When it reads, in Step 3, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we underestood Him." This is meant to explain how the first 100 or so members understood Him, the ones who started the program. They are telling us to believe in God, Jesus Christ, “that we know very little” or “God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?” Believe in a radiator? I can see it now, "Oh Mr Radiator, please help me." Bill W borrowed every precept & concept in the Big Book from his spiritual mentor, pastor sam shoemaker, other pastors & priests, right out of the Bible. If you read the history of AA, and I have studied it and am currently studying it, Dr Bob sponsored over 3,000 people and had them on their knees in the first week of sobriety professing Jesus Christ as their Lord & Savior. God’s gift to man was AA. Bill W generalized so he could sell more books. Dr Bob told him before he died, “Bill, don’t screw this thing up.” Because he knew Bill was a salesman. And Bill W was honest about it, he admitted he was a chronic backslider, who knocked off his fair share of women at meetings. Dr Bob claimed he did not contribute 1 word to the first 164 pages. Just because you’re not drinking but going to meetings does not mean anything. Just because you’re driving guys to meetings doesn’t mean anything. So what, you’re still a jerk not drinking. You could still be walking around “restless, irritable & discontented” being a jerk to everyone you come across. How do I know this? Because I was sober in AA for 15 years, going to meetings, driving guys to meetings, not drinking but doing everything else-gambling, ect with people sober 15, 20, 30 years but I was still a jerk. Guys giving leads telling the group, “You don’t have to do a 4th Step-I never did one.” You see it all the time, guys sponsoring newcomers, because they look good & have some money, and a car and a job, but never had a “spiritual awakening as the result of these steps.” . sponsoring tens of people over the years. And I am not “taking anyone’s inventory” I refuse to stand by silently anymore while these jerks continue to knock off newcomers. I finally came to beleive, I finally made a decision and went thru the steps. "Whom the Son sets free is free indeed."
Anyway-I've always read your movie reviews and if you give a movie 3 or 4 stars I usually go see the movie. I appreciate you taking the time to read & answer the comments. This must take you hours. God bless & I'll leave you with the 2nd to last paragraph in the chapter to the agnostics. "Even so has God restored us all to our right minds. To this man, the revelation was sudden. Some of us grow into it more slowly. But He has come to all who have honestly sought Him. When we drew near to Him He disclosed Himself to us!
I have long suspected, through various things Roger has said from time to time in his reviews, that he once had a drinking problem. I took this on face value: critics are people, and if it gave him that much more perspective on a movie that touched on the subject, that was fine. (Although I'd put "Under the Volcano" a good deal higher up on the list of such films than, say "Less than Zero.")
One of the thing that really snapped into perspective how casual and insidious socially-supported alcoholism can be was Roger's comments about "Zodiac" -- how in journalism there used to be a culture of not only smoking but drinking at one's desk, and not just a shot here and there but a bottle in the drawer. From what I've seen the peer pressure and the connection of good times to alcohol through peer pressure are major factors in alcoholism. You drink because it feels good (for a little while, anyway), and you're in company where such things are okay. It becomes possible to ignore or discount things like getting lost on the way home, or throwing up in your own bed, or dropping a fifth of gin on the floor of the bathroom and then sopping it up in a towel and drinking from *that*.
I suspect I was lucky enough to form good friendships with people in social circles where alcohol / drugs were not mandatory. Sometimes people are not lucky enough to be near such things by default, and sometimes they have to go seek them out. And if they are unlucky enough to not know how to do that -- if the only examples they have are, say, parents who are also drunks -- then it becomes truly hellish to ecape from that.
My own feelings about AA are deeply mixed and are mostly due to the fact that as others have mentioned it is often used as the mandated treatment program by the courts, with other options getting short shrift. I suspect I would have a lot more to say about it if I had been there myself - but I haven't, and I can't let that get in the way.
It seems to me we have an unusual habit in this country of demonizing things that are helpful to people. Not everyone who ever went to an AA meeting put down the bottle, but a lot of them did, and you'd be hard pressed to find an instance where it made their problem worse. And yet there are those will criticize it and call it a "cult." Are any of these critics struggling alcoholics? Or have any of them even been to a meeting? My guess is no.
Both my parents are alcoholics, and they haven't taken a drink since 1980 and 1981, respectively. In both cases, AA was invaluable to their recovery. My dad still goes to the meetings.
You've written about alcohol abuse before; I'm not sure where, but I remember you saying "Suttree" captured that state of being unlike anything else you knew. While I've never had a drinking problem, I did find the book incredibly vivid, and imagine that's how it must be. Regardless, congrats on thirty years sober.
Very nicely done Mr. Ebert. As one who has lost a father, wife and son prematurely to addiction/alcoholism, let me add that the companion program to AA for family members, Al Anon, is equally lifesaving for those of us who go through the misery of alcoholism without the anesthetic. Al Anon meetings are as easy to find, and just a open and welcoming as AA.
A phenomenal report from the front lines; thanks for everyone you'll help today by reading the piece. Sure helped me in my ongoing recovery, as does AA itself.
I'm always amused and perplexed by the Thumpers who rage about the 11th Tradition. If you're going to be silly and uber-dogmatic about AA, you're helping to drive away those who need those of us in the program the most. The most notorious violator of the 11th tradition was Bill W. himself, who appeared in countless publications and on radio and TV broadcasts galor. Any of the Thumpers have a problem with his stance on the issue?
Again, thank you for your thoughtful, well-considered, and timely discussion of the best thing that happened in your own life. They could make a movie about it --
You're a brilliant man, one of the people I admire the most, and your story was an amazing shock to me. I only have respect for you for your story. My feelings towards AA are ambivalent, but considering your testimony, I think I might reconsider. Thank you for your story.
Just one question. It's a curiosity question, and I don't mean you any disrespect by asking it, I just want to know: isn't admitting that you're powerless over your own drinking a completely self-defeating premise? I'm sure that you see the paradox.
Problem drinkers come in a wide spectrum, and AA was there for you. And I'm glad.
I have been sober 14,504 days, 39 years my last anniversary one day at a time. I have been sober more than half my life. It is a no brainer to say which half I want. The secound half has been beyond my wildest dreams. I'm not fond of religon, but I do believe in walking a spiritual walk that works very well for me. My God knows my name and I know his last name is not dam. Keep on keeping on.
Thank you for writing about A.A. It saved my father's life.
I have been sober 14,504 days, 39 years my last anniversary one day at a time. I have been sober more than half my life. It is a no brainer to say which half I want. The secound half has been beyond my wildest dreams. I'm not fond of religon, but I do believe in walking a spiritual walk that works very well for me. My God knows my name and I know his last name is not dam. Keep on keeping on.
Hi Roger! 30 years? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you...and for me. September 24, 1976 was my last drink thanks to AA. No pills, no drugs, nothin' but freedom. Life is full of joy and pain but there's no reason to take a drink, not today. A long time ago, I turned my will and my life over to a Higher Power. And a deal's a deal! Right? God bless you.
"The important thing is not how you define a Higher Power. The important thing is that you don't consider yourself to be your own Higher Power, because your own best thinking found your bottom for you."
You know, every time I read your entries you reveal just how much you know about life--alot. Which bewilders the crap out of me even more how you can make the movie choices you do.
Thanks again for your contribution to the world!
Roger,
You are a treasure. Congratulations on your 30 years of sobriety!!!
I never struggled with alcohol until eight years ago. Prior to that, I had perhaps 2 or 3 glasses of wine a month.
There were some incidents in my life and suddenly, I was drinking almost every night. In the mid 2000's, my drinking was out of control. I went to detox and rehab in late Spring '07. After I was released, I went to stay with a friend ( I use the term very loosely) who had, five bottles of my favorite wine, in his refrigerator. I continued to drink heavily into late Fall. I have been in therapy for years for other issues and my alcohol addiction was added to the list. I was put on a medication called Naltrexone to help with the cravings. It also involves blocking certain transmitters in the brain from being stimulated by alcohol. I thought I had found my cure. Slowly, I started to drink again. I rationalize and make excuses. I say, well I only had five ounces of wine today. It's ridiculous. I'm ashamed of myself.
I have not sought out AA but your essay has convinced me to go to a meeting after I'm done work today. I want to thank you for honest and frank essay.
I am very familiar with addiction. It runs very heavily on one side of the family, causing an uncle to commit suicide recently. I'm also a psychologist and see many patients who struggle with addiction. I'm a walking contradiction.
Also, I loved your work every since I can remember discovering critiquing of movies when I was young teenager. I would like to thank you for insight and honest reviews. I also admire your personal physical restraints and how you carry yourself with dignity and grace through your work and love for your wife.
Take good care of yourself!
Dear Roger: I appreciated your "outing" yourself by carrying the message of experience, strength and hope. As far as the 11th Tradition, you did not do this for remuneration and, in fact, it sounds more like a 12th Step call.
It is Tradition 12 that has kept me coming back for 25 years: "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities." I believe that telling our stories is spiritual in nature, and only we can break our own anonymity. Our names really don't matter.
Ann H.
Roger - congratulations on your 30 years. When I was about 3 months sober you and I attend a few of those late night Mustard see meetings together, along with your other two cohorts. I think that's why I watched that station for as long as I did. We also attended one OA meeting together. You are a wonderful example of how this program works. Thanks for sharing all these years. (P.S. I'm a friend of Grace B - you might remember her better than you would me.)
Cathy
Hello Roger:
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it does help another alcoholic who may be in the process of giving up. May I make a suggestion? Start a blog on this subject without your pic & full name, thus helping others and remaining anonymous. Tradition Eleven says, "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films." For me, that would include the web. Only my opinion and not wanting to cause any arguments. God bless your sobriety and thanks for another day sober.
Roger,
As I found this article this morning I had literally just got off the phone calling three of my father's closest friends and debating how, and whether or not, to approach him about his drinking.
Sparing the details, I saw him put himself in harms way the other night drinking and driving and have been torn between intervening and waiting for him to admit it for himself.
Not living in the same city, I have worried in the past that I will one day get a call from someone who is not him explaining that he has hurt himself or, worse, killed himself. I understand now that I must make the call that I dread now to confront him that I may temporarily regret, so I won't have to regret never saying anything for the rest of my life.
Your writing is honest and direct, and this longtime reader of yours appreciates it with all his heart.
Thank you for pushing me in the right direction so as I may be able to push my father the same way.
God bless you.
Roger,
Thanks for this article. Somehow it gave me some peace. I just buried my younger brother last week. He was 41. He drank himself to death. My brother was a good person who always had time to help everyone else but couldn't help himself. Your article reminded me that there are many people who suffer from this disease, and it being afflicted by it doesn't make a person any less significant.
God Bless You,
I already thought the world of Ebert for his work, and for his film festival in Urbana-Champaign, a terrific event. Also had already his read accounts about his drinking--and stopping, so this was not news. And I have many friends who tell their AA stories outside of the meeting. From what I gather, you can make it work for you the way you need it to--as long as you're honest. And people at the meeting help keep you honest, with them, and yourself. I even know people who never bought into the higher power thing--but did accept that they had no power over alchohol. And it worked for them. What's important is that people find the help they need. AA is one place to start. And there are others--like Smart Recovery--that may be to the better liking of some. The important thing is to acknowledge the problem and work at solving it.
Well, yeah, there's the 11th Tradition...based on the founding members belief that anonimity would provide them with relief from media intrusion on their work that would deflect from the work itself. You and Sir Elton and a few others have broken this tradition, but ... progress, not perfection.
Hello Roger:
Thank you for sharing your story. I hope it does help another alcoholic who may be in the process of giving up. May I make a suggestion? Start a blog on this subject without your pic & full name, thus helping others and remaining anonymous. Tradition Eleven says, "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films." For me, that would include the web. Only my opinion and not wanting to cause any arguments. God bless your sobriety and thanks for another day sober.
One of the things that I've come to believe, having seen it confirmed over and over again, is that our relationship to AA changes over time, and in non-obvious ways.
At the beginning, if you are fortunate, you can "dive in" without a lot of second-guessing, and "just do it". Like any other dramatic change of life, it requires commitment. And, lo and behold, if you do what has been shown to work with others, it does work. You "recover".
Once "recovery" has taken place, though, the question becomes: what to do with it? The damage done by years of irresponsible behavior (drinking is a symptom, remember) can take years to repair. Not surprising, really. In my case, it involved many years of doing "the opposite" of what I would have normally done.
But after some period of time, "the opposite" becomes the "normal". Now we've really hit our stride. Living becomes more natural (again, for some, or for the first time, for those like me) and spontaneous, sometimes even joyous. There are frequent setbacks, and we run to meetings for help, but over time we become more independent and responsible for ourselves.
At this point, how do we confront those things in ourselves which don't "mesh" with an AA view of the individual, family, and community? For, like it or not, AA offers a "utopian" vision based on a Protestant Christian foundation. It has been adapted to many cultures and communities, but there is no denying simple history. And for potential members, this is not really (or should not be) the main issue: When you are drowning, you don't ask the lifeguard for his religious affiliation. But once you're out of danger, it's not ingratitude to ask, how did I get here and what do I do now?
Soft-pedal AA's "God" all you want, but the "as you understand him" disclaimer is nothing more than a pretext to get newcomers to stay in the seat long enough to have a conversion experience. I know several "atheist AAs" (now you, among them) but most of them remain, at best, slightly discomfited by the much more common, and constantly repeated, exclamations about the "power of God" in the lives of AAs. "I was pulling into the parking lot of the grocery store before the meeting and, wow! just as I pulled up to the front of the store a parking space opened up for me!"
A bit of a baby-steps spiritual experience, to be sure, but the core of that experience remains, since anything and everything (ala Francis Collins and the triune frozen stream) serves as a confirmation of the God hypothesis to the expectant mind.
Let me offer an alternate vision, one which I believe fits the facts of my experience as well as the "God" explanation: I was a depressed mess who misused alcohol at a young age, as an escape. Whatever predisposition or genetic flaw I have which might be influenced by alcohol was overrun by an emotional state that could best be described as self-absorbed, self-destructive, and immature in the extreme.
When I had burned out everyone in my personal community, and had no where to turn, it was my good fortune that AA was there with an open door. I was in enough pain to accept whatever suggestions they made in an attempt to get better. But 1) I made the initial decision to "not die". 2) I made the decision to get help. 3) I was willing to take action, based on that decision.
The recovery process itself is very practical: take inventory, make restitution, help others do the same.
And AA has helped millions, including me. But one cannot say that AA is non-religious. All the nonsense you hear about "the radiator is my higher power", "that door knob is my higher power, the important thing is that it's not me" misses the key issue. In AA there is no recovery without a "higher power":
p50 "This Power has in each case accomplished the miraculous, the humanly impossible."
p52 "Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did."
and more forcefully
p53 "...God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" and
p28 "If what we have learned and felt and seen means anything at all, it means that all of us... are the children of a living Creator with whom we may form a relationship... as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try."
Well, to repeat, when one is drowning and chooses help, chooses to live, you don't ask a lot of difficult questions. You say "what do I do?" and you do it. And this was my attitude. I didn't understand "God" and I went through the AA motions. And a funny thing happened. I began to recover. [1]
Now, one explanation is: it was God! And if that is your explanation, then no further discussion is necessary. That is the explanation.
However, perhaps the explanation is: I submitted to a process, became open to new ideas (read: desperation) and began to live my life another way, someone else's way, and things started to change. Notice that this explanation does not require supernatural intervention.
But if that is the explanation -- that there is a rational, non-supernatural explanation for my recovery -- then what do I make of the AA Big Book? Can I "take what I need and leave the rest"? Well, sure. But if one is trying to "thine own self be true" it becomes more and more difficult to sit in meetings year after year after year... and listen to what may be charitably described as helpful self-delusions.
And then the other big question remains: what does that mean for my continued sobriety?
I didn't know what an "alcoholic" was when I got to AA. And that's a common refrain at meetings.
Well, what does AA call an alcoholic?
p22 "We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink... he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop."
So that's one aspect. But there is another, and this is what AA truly rests upon:
p24 "We are without defense against the first drink."
What does that mean, "we are without defense"? Well, for practical purposes it means that you need another defense, something outside yourself!
But here is the interesting thing: You do not go to AA to get sober. Getting sober is the entrance into AA. You go to AA to stay sober. So does that mean, as you so often hear, that "you need to go to AA for the rest of your life, one day at a time"? And is submitting to the "AA life" required to be "happy, joyous and free"? p133
Well... no.
Take a survey of a random meeting. The rooms of AA are filled with people of various lengths of sobriety. Many of these folks are relative newcomers (say 5 years or under), with a "long tail" of increasing years. Yet AA was started in the 1930s. Even allowing for attrition due to "natural" causes, the number of "AA old-timers" is strikingly low. Why?
I think that it's because most begin to taper off meetings until they quit coming altogether. Some return to drinking, and those who can't make that work have sad stories to tell, if they make it back to AA. But what about the others?
Since AA members are self-selected, and those who can make it without meetings aren't talking about their experience at meetings, there is a strong confirmation bias that without AA your life goes to hell. But my experience is, I believe, more typical.
For years my AA attendance was "crisis management" mode. I would go about once or twice a week, and then when I had an "overwhelming" problem I'd ramp up my meeting attendance. But after my last "crisis" was solved I started to really examine my behavior, and noticed that I was using meetings as a dodge for changing the things in my life that were not working.
So I started making targeted, self-directed changes to improve my well-being. Meditation was part of it, but it was mainly just being willing to explore other ideas, ideas that frequently clashed with AA's version of "the good life".
For the last couple years I've been going to AA meetings almost exclusively to try and honestly share my experiences in the hope that it might help someone. But the problem I encountered was that my experience does not "gibe" with "orthodox AA". There are a lot of particulars, which I won't attempt to articulate here, but the main one is this: I'm openly skeptical about the "God" question. And if you don't believe in God, then the real question becomes, "what am I doing in AA?"
So I've been "flying solo" now for a while, and whatever I miss of AA community has been replaced by closer ties to family and friends, a sense of freedom and centeredness, and a healthy, tempered fear of the unknown which has replaced the sense of resignation, helplessness and AA dependency that I lived with for many years prior.
AA has played a key role in my life. But like all "schools", the point not to remain cloistered and protected, class forever in session, but to go out and mix it up in the world with what you've learned, and to build upon that. I know people who have gone to the same "step study" meeting for decades. I find that discouraging.
Here's an idea: maybe, just maybe, go out and discover something new. Something new about yourself, about your family, your community, the world. It would be a shame to remain someone you are not, because you are afraid of becoming who you are. A negative, self-centered outlook is not the inevitable outcome of leaving AA.
I can't say with certainty how my experiment with turn out. None of us can. Welcome to the real world. But I know countless AA folks who'll tell me my future, in detail, and all their prognostications for me are invidious.
[1]The people who can't/won't do this are, by definition, the ones who struggle. So it's not surprising that they would drink again.
Ebert: A very thoughtful post.
Great read. My dad quit drinking in 1990 (I think, maybe 91) on my sister's birthday. He drank 24 beers a day sometimes. He never really got drunk. He drank because he was thirsty, because he was bored, because there was beer in the fridge. But it was controlling his life in ways he hated. He would choose alcohol over his family and couldn't function without it. AA is how he did it. He hasn't had a drink since then, and it's pretty outrageous how much better his life was afterward. I was brought to some of the meetings (the meetings here had a playroom for kids often) and I didn't understand them when I was younger, but boy did I love having my dad as a dad. This program changes the lives of so many people. It's not just the alcoholics that are affected -- it's their whole families as well. Truly a great program.
I am in Al-Anon, & when you used some A.A. terms in a blog some time ago it occurred to me you might be a friend of Bill W. All I know is if I did not go to Al-Anon & the person whose drinking affected me did not go to A.A. , the wonderful life we have made for ourselves would be impossible.
Every day I get examples of Higher Power moments that are awesome. Before Al-Anon I hardly ever noticed them as I was busy obsessing about the alcoholic(his term, as I have no right to call him such). Both Al-Anon & A.A. are anonymous but not invisible.
I am very glad you found sobriety and if the story Of Roger E. attracts one other to a place where they may find a way to halt the descent into madness and death from alcoholism, then you have indeed passed along a great gift.
If the cause of your drinking is peer pressure, say from film society parties, then doesn't AA advocate abstaining from those temptations and familiarities.
Ebert: I have no reason to attend an event where drinking is the purpose, and don't. I cover film festivals, but I go to the movies, or have dinner, etc.
Thanks for writing this. I have almost 14 years. Every day, in so many areas of my life, I have the program, the steps and traditions to thank for showing me how to live a decent life. As for the anonymity thing: First of all -- we NEVER break someone else's anonymity. I have been in work situations where I believed it would not have been appreciated that I was in AA and I was extremely conscious of where and to whom I broke my anonymity. I'm not in that work area at present and I break my anonymity when I think it might help someone else. "Don't look for arguments" is something I needed to hear for a present situation I'm dealing with. Thanks.
To those who say the Traditions are optional, I say you must not have become very involved in service work, a crucial element of recovery. Very little would get done at the group level and beyond if we did not have the Traditions as our guide.
As one who's served as a phone volunteer at AA Intergroups in two populous areas without interruption for the past 14 years, I can tell you unequivocably that most people, when making their first call to AA, unknowingly ask questions that pertain to the 12 Traditions rather than the 12 Steps. How much does it cost? (Nothing.) Who runs AA? (AA members -- it's a democracy.) Do I have to sign anything? (No.) The meeting is at St. Joe's -- does that mean it's affiliated with the church? (No.) Are any rehabs AA-approved? (Never.) What does AA think about other methods of recovery? (AA has no opinion on outside issues.) A big celebrity just told the whole world that he's an AA member -- will I have to do that? (We strongly suggest you don't.)
I notice Roger's story includes no mention of service work at the group level or beyond. That would be quite an oversight in his story if he's done a significant amount of it over his 30 years, and quite a tragedy for him if he hasn't.
My home group devotes an hour to the study of a Tradition on the last Wednesday of every month. Tonight's Tradition 8. We usually get 40-50 people for a Traditions meeting -- less than we get for a Steps meeting on the other Wednesdays or our open meetings on Mondays. But still a significant number. I am proud of my group for taking this seriously and proud of the members who show up every Wednesday to discuss topics that others label dry or optional.
Comment to Castrol...my dad drank only beer for all of his drinking years and died at 49. Alcohol is alcohol and unless you're drinking "alcohol-FREE" beer, you're an alcoholic if you can't stop.
Not being judgmental, just clearing up your misconception.
...and Roger's comment that he IS an alcoholic is accurate. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic...we just choose whether or not to drink each day. It's like diabetes, it doesn't go away just because you follow a specific diet.
Congratulations, Roger. 30 yrs of sobriety means you didn't die of alcoholism ! Way to go !
I hope your story touches someone to take the difficult step of turning it over to a Higher Power, someone or something other than themselves. I guess that's even more difficult in the "me" generation.
Been wondering over the admonishments about article 11. There's a difference between secrecy and discretion, and my read of #11 says it means discretion. I haven't met anyone who's been to AA, succeeded, and was out-loud proud of it -- nor did they ever spill the beans on anybody else; that's discretion and it would take 3 CIA agents to discover who you mentioned, Rodge. I suppose those who didn't succeed would rather keep it a secret, tho' some posters here have their reasons for admitting that, too.
Have been going over contributors' reasons for drinking. Okay, that "happy" feeling. Fine. My notorious Hungarian Uncle Paul, who attended his leg's funeral before appearing at the rest of it told me it was no fun to not be drunk. The midday sight of this big fat naked fiftysomething man telling his plump and unhappy wife "Hi, cutie!" is more fun to write about than to have witnessed. His bitter refusal to play piano for anyone any more (he was a child prodigy) wasn't fun, either. Maybe liquor kept him from thinking about that, the way fancy new science-pills prevent so-called "intrusive thoughts." He'd sneak downstairs and play alone, naked, and his wife would hide a tape recorder under it so that people could still hear him play.
Paul lived longer than my dad, who was a non-smoker, non-drinker, and eater of health food my mother got on a permanent kick about one year. At 67 Dad died of a quite conscious lack of joy, however, whatever the coroner reported. His conscience was clean and he left this planet just as he'd told a friend he'd like to a couple of weeks earlier. But impatient he was, and joylessness was the reason.
"Give a little wine to the poor, that they may forget their misery," said Sirach to his son. That biblical book is omitted from the Protestant versions.
One must wonder, if one hasn't yet, how serious the alcohol problem was in the days of St. Paul and of Mohammed 700 years later. Paul railed and railed about it. Mohammed saw that it was outlawed entirely -- no exceptions, in the way marijuana is totally unknown today.
Alcoholism must have been a hellacious problem back then. Despite Bill Hays' confident certitude, I don't believe mere chemicals squishing around in the brain causes addiction. I think self-righteousness is America's greatest addiction and what in our drinking water causes that? The brain manufactures its own chemicals to accommodate this self-willed pandemic.
If it's all as fundamentalist-atheist-science (I agree, R) simple as that, I have a free method for everyone -- even you, Rodge, guaranteed! Now you can drink as much as you like, safely, happily, responsibly!!!
Here it is: assign somebody bigger than you as your designated finger-hammerer. You'll need a pious Mormon or Muslim or other non-alcoholic religious persuasion. Drink all you like. He will observe when you've almost had enough and smack your fingers with his hammer. It may be a little difficult to continue your necessary bar conversations after that but believe me, the repeated blows will outweigh your will to keep drinking despite them! (My years as a musician repel me from anywhere there's the vinegary odor of stale beer reeking from every dust particle; I like the robust aroma of horse manure so much better.)
In seriousness, Mr. Ebert, although I've never had that problem to conquer: good GOD how wonderful it feels to be straight!
My old philosophy prof told me a story that I thought was a good idea; ever since, I've tried to make a point to get truly drunk once or twice a year (tho' I went 10 years without it -- that was 10 years without a deeply interesting drinking partner). Because I thought of it as a philosophical ceremony when I was a kid, anesthetizing myself with alcohol as a casual habit just feels like anesthesia, not much fun. People must explain why they think it is.
We come away with thoughts of the heart that will last us a long while, and good GOD how refreshing it feels when all that's over! I concur with everyone here who's said how hopeful they feel now that they've kicked it. (As to marijuana, it too is good in that un-habitual way; mine has ever come from friends, and there were times I dreaded their visits and my polite indulgence. Not that it hurt, but because "straightness" feels so much better and one doesn't always need the contrast.)
Since I do what I do and can fairly judge how prolific and energetic is your admirable work, Roger, I'd say you've had that wonderful frame of mind these 30 years. It's true, isn't it?
Addiction can be manifested in many ways and the concept of A.A and the 12-Steps is the core of the majority of self-help groups but in the current era those who suffer from addiction may need a bit more such as AOD Treatment services. However, the Gov. and those who we have elected to look out for our best interest has selected to cut the budget that allows individuals an opportunity to receive help, many will continue to suffer and even die due to this political game. The money provided for alcohol and substance abuse treatment makes up less than 1% of the overall state's budget and yet it has taken one of the deepest cuts.
Thanks Rojer. I was thinking of going back to meetings again because if I don't I drink. Just what I needed to read today as a sign.
As a recovering alcoholic and AA member, and film critic/curator,
I recently completed a two-year retrospective on films of alcoholism
called "Lost Weekends" at a top adult education institution here in
Manhattan. Among the virtually unknown pictures we viewed and discussed were "Something To Live For" (1951), a sequel to "The Lost Weekend" in which Ray Milland plays a recovering drunk in AA... "Come Fill The Cup" (1953) in which James Cagney is a recovering alkie news editor who employs a city desk-full of recovering drunks, has a sponsor (James Gleason) and 12th-steps a young Gig Young...and "Voice In The Mirror" (1958) in which AA doesn't exist and is more or invented by Richard Egan and Arthur O'Connell doing a 50s take on Bill and Bob.
"The Lost Weekend," despite all its 1945 Oscars, is a poor example for recovering alcoholics, because it posits recovery through a loved one (Jane Wyman). Many Hollywood films did before "I'll Cry Tomorrow" in which Susan Hayward (as Lillian Roth) finds strength and hope through AA, and "Days Of Wine And Roses" in which AA saves Jack Lemmon but not his wife (Lee Remick). Both these latter films demonstrate AA's singleness of purpose, as does "Come Back Little Sheba" with Burt Lancaster, "When A Man Loves A Woman"
with Meg Ryan, and Richard Cohn's "Drunks,"about a Times Square AA
meeting, with an all-star cast including Richard Lewis, Dianne Wiest, Parker Posey, Amanda Plummer, Faye Dunaway and Spalding Gray.
As a matter of information, our audiences and discussions included a mix of program and non-program people, and I never once broke my anonymity. --Kurt
Bless you, Roger. Just from reading these posts, you clearly have helped many with this essay. Of my parents and 4 sibs, only my sister and I are unaffected and I am grateful daily.
Congratulations and I'm really touched you decided to share your store this way.
My priest, I'm sure is recovering....It is like the "gaydar" someone else posted.....
anyway, thanks.
May the Radiator Bless you. :)
xoxo
Wow, what a panoply of reaction. I am 24&1/2 and
I hope to be eternally grateful, if I keep mindful and
one who keeps working at it and with others. Did
you expect this avalanche of comment?
Ebert: I've never received so many comments so quickly. I appreciate all of them.
I understand those writing about the 11th tradition, believe me, I do. But given the reality that I have broken it, I am not sure what purpose it serves to post so many messages on a blog entry that was intended only to encourage a drinking alcoholic to take benefit of the fellowship. We all know the love, acceptance and tolerance to be found in the meetings. This volume of comments gives a misleading impression.
But I am going to post those postable ones I receive, because that has always been my policy on this blog. The last thing I would delete would be criticism of me.
I am saddened by both the 11th Tradition violation and the comments made regarding same that were not shared lovingly or even kindly. Patience, love, and tolerance are also codes and principles that we try to practice in all of our affairs. It is not my job to take Mr. Ebert's inventory. This article may very well help (and maybe already has) a struggling drunk. However, it may have harmed one as well. The 10th Tradition wherein we try to avoid bringing the A.A. name into public controversy may have also been violated by some of the opinions following the article; some of which were argumentive, mean-spirited, and/or uninformed. Some of this behavior may not be seen as attractive to a struggling drunk given them just enough reason to not seek us out.
In the 12 & 12, Bill W. writes the following about Tradition 11:
"At one point, about a hundred of our Society were breaking anonymity at the public level. With perfectly good intent, these folks declared that the principle of anonymity was horse-and-buggy stuff, something appropriate to A.A.'s pioneering days. They were sure that A.A. could go faster and farther if it availed itself of modern publicity methods. A.A., they pointed out, included many persons of local, national, or international fame. Provided they were willing--and many were--why shouldn't their membership be publicized, thereby encouraging others to join us? These were plausible arguments, but happily our friends of the writing profession disagreed with them.
The Foundation* wrote letters to practically every news outlet in North America, setting forth our public relations policy of attraction rather than promotion, and emphasizing personal anonymity as A.A. greatest protection."
Bills ends this chapter with:
"This Tradition is a constant and practical reminder that personal ambition has no place in A.A. In it, each member becomes an active guardian of our Fellowship."
So I ask that we would prayefully consider is it worth breaking any of our Traditions knowing that we could potentially be harming A.A. as a whole?
"Don't let the good be the enemy of the best."
Yours in the Fellowship,
a sober drunk
This post touched me and scared me. Primarily from your two part question: If you drink when you didn't intend to, and more than you intended to, you, my friend, have just failed this test.
I fail that test all the time. I also fail that test when it comes to tv, internet, drinking soda - and other things that I'm either forgetting or intentionally omitting.
So what do I do if I'm "addicted" to a lot of things? I guess just keep on breathing in and out.
Hi Roger. At AA meetings I must imagine that you saw people with very mild levels of drinking and asked yourself if the person discussing one's circumstances was convinced that they were alcoholic when they were not, in the eyes of probably everyone else in the room. I think about this because it was very much my situation as I saw it, except I never saw myself as needing AA because I knew my situation was so much more mild than that of "real" alcoholics. I never drank hard alcohol, never drank in the morning, was never late to work, and was always able to do my job well. When I drank, I rationalized that it was a way of testing my limitations, to see how much beer I could consume and still be able to accomplish.
Of course, I started drinking at age thirteen, passed out at a party at sixteen, and on many occasions consumed five or more beers in a sitting, almost regularly in the early 90's and frequently on work nights. No one asked me about the smell of beer sweat; I guess I was just lucky I was not called on it.
My point is that it is better never to question why someone is there but to accept that this is how they see themselves. Had I been able to see myself as an alcoholic, as some people did, I probably would have been able to change a lot faster, and would have had a happier and healthier lifestyle. You do not need to be Michael Keaton in Clean and Sober to be addicted to alcohol or anything else, you just need to see yourself and your own situation and want to do something about it. Thank you for the entry and sharing your story with us.
So... What part of "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films" are you not clear on?!?
The Traditions are there for a reason. Please respect them, if not for yourself, for others who need the program now and in the future.
This post touched me and scared me. Primarily from your two part question: If you drink when you didn't intend to, and more than you intended to, you, my friend, have just failed this test.
I fail that test all the time. I also fail that test when it comes to tv, internet, drinking soda - and other things that I'm either forgetting or intentionally omitting.
So what do I do if I'm "addicted" to a lot of things? I guess just keep on breathing in and out.
I remember reading your review of "Sideways" back in 2004 and you mention the name of Miles's book "The Day After Yesterday," which is today, and how for an alcoholic every day feels like the day after yesterday. I remember thinking it was such a profound observation. Now I come to find out that you weren't simply making an observation, but you were speaking from your own experience. Thank you for sharing your story, and congratulations on 30 years.
God bless you Roger. i met you briefly at the Del Mar fair in California years ago. And I enjoy the memory of our conversation about the movies. Too bad we didn't know that we could have expanded our conversation to include long term sobriety. Thanks for coming out and telling it like it is. Only you could do it so well.
Mr. Ebert, Congratulations on 30 years, however the amount of time has no bearing on whether you can or can't violate a tradition. The traditions were born out of the painful early days of AA and not subject to others to interpret to fit their own agenda. You might want to read the book "AA comes of Age". It gives you a lot of history regarding the forging of the steps and the traditions. You will even find out that Bill and Dr. Bob didn't meet in the lobby of a hotel.
I've never been to any AA meetings, only what I've seen in movies and television shows. The Dennis Leary show, "Rescue Me" does deal with alcoholism and it has shown different types of meetings. I was wondering if you watch the show and if you do, what do you think of either the realness or fakeness of those scenes that take place in AA meetings.
Even though it's just a show, it works on both an entertainment level, but also it scares me to not drink too heavily as so many lives are ruined because of alcohol.
Hi Roger,
I never thanked you for being so kind to me early in my writing career. I was taking a "creative writing" class and we had to interview someone. I asked you if you'd let me interview you and you said yes. the chicago film festival was on and you invited me to attend a screening with you. i think it was at the old playboy theatre. (i was humiliated when you asked me to leave a seat between us!)
anyone, thank you and thank you for the wondering writing over the years and this most amazing piece!
cheryl lavin
I've never been to any AA meetings, only what I've seen in movies and television shows. The Dennis Leary show, "Rescue Me" does deal with alcoholism and it has shown different types of meetings. I was wondering if you watch the show and if you do, what do you think of either the realness or fakeness of those scenes that take place in AA meetings.
Even though it's just a show, it works on both an entertainment level, but also it scares me to not drink too heavily as so many lives are ruined because of alcohol.
I am in Al-Anon, & when you used some A.A. terms in a blog some time ago it occurred to me you might be a friend of Bill W. All I know is if I did not go to Al-Anon & the person whose drinking affected me did not go to A.A. , the wonderful life we have made for ourselves would be impossible.
Every day I get examples of Higher Power moments that are awesome. Before Al-Anon I hardly ever noticed them as I was busy obsessing about the alcoholic(his term, as I have no right to call him such). Both Al-Anon & A.A. are anonymous but not invisible.
I am very glad you found sobriety and if the story Of Roger E. attracts one other to a place where they may find a way to halt the descent into madness and death from alcoholism, then you have indeed passed along a great gift.
Roger, thanks ever so much for saying all that you did. I have been a fan of yours for a long time as well as a native Chicagoan. Having just celebrated 21 years of sobriety myself, I have known the true joy of recovery even though, as we know, life just keeps on truckin' and we need to find a different way of dealing with it.
In fact, some of my roughest life "patches" came AFTER I got sober! That is one of the main things that AA has given to me: actual, practical TOOLS that I can use in everyday living now that my coping mechanism of alcohol is no longer part of my life. That includes a long time, very patient and dear sponsor.
I laud your decision to go "public" with this, not withstanding the
11th tradition. To me, we need more open disclosures of the kind you have done here to promote the Program as simply as you stated it: it is there for those that need and want it and can be a way out if you CHOOSE to make it so and this has been YOUR experience with it. I have been in the meetings and hospitality industry for over 35 years, 21 of that in recovery. Since it is such an integral part of that business (and all of that is fine) if you have an issue with alcohol, you either learn how to deal with it or find something different to do. I have been pretty open about my recovery in my various employment situations (when the timing was right!) and as a result I have found myself in many 12 step situations when asked to do so for colleagues.
I TRIED to stop on my own, even when I KNEW I had a problem and just COULD NOT until I finally surrendered (turned my power over to someone else for this...in my case God) and the Program of AA and that has saved my life to this day. Is it for everyone? Probably not, for whatever reasons. My experience has shown that for many of those for whom the Program has not worked, they have not REALLY given the Program a chance to work and/or have not, truly, practiced the principles in all their affairs.
My very best to you in your continued recovery and thank-you for your courage to speak out!
Don
Plano, TX
Thank you for sharing, and congratulations on 30 years. The 11 step has its reasons, and obviously you see the conflict and opinions that people have about what you shared.
Your story is beautiful- it is about hope, it is about sharing a message. You are talking about success, joy and strength of connection with other people.
I enjoyed the focus and the hope. and your purpose in recovery. You stand out right now not because of your fame, but because you are living proof that the program works- it is a reminder to me to keep my communication and work on my steps and keep my program.
Its amazing how one day and a time suddenly becomes so long, and that the things once thought impossible are possible.
Thank you.
Hi Roger,
Have always enjoyed you column and now I enjoy this story of your sobriety. My date was March 17, 1984 (True)had a relapse in 1995 for several years(stop going to meeting of course)however have been sober for the last 10 years. I don't have any real intelligent thing to say other than I'm so happy another person was able to see the light. God bless you.
Thank you, Roger. Alcoholism is my family's disease, and has taken more than one of us. One, in particular, still struggles after repeated treatments, meetings, and support. It has been a blessing that those of us in ACTIVE recovery have been able to come to grips with letting go (in this situation). I do want to say, however, that I have real problems with those in our fellowship that take our guidelines too literally, and rebuke you for your honesty. I have had to look beyond the militaristic views of some us, which may disallow the life-saving message of sobriety reaching those still in need. So many times, I have heard, and been told, about certain "rules" that do not really exist in our literature... We must also take heed that many of us still have a long way to go in our healing process, and the message can be "lost in translation". I am awed that you would give the gift of your experience to the world, particularly with your current life challenges. As you have shown, now and always, you are a man of great integrity, and humility.
A great entry. My mother has worked in a youth rehab center for the past 10 years and the 12 step program is the only program that has been proven to work. I'm lucky enough to not be an alcoholic, but there's a history of it in my family and I fear every time I get drunk (especially as a college student) that I may be getting closer to becoming one. Here's hoping I wasn't born with those genes.
This was wonderful, Roger. I'm 9 months into sobriety, and I loved this piece. I understand what people are saying about the 11th tradition on the one hand, but, on the other hand, it was finding out that a person I respected very much was in the program that finally made me admit that it was something I needed in my own life. While it's something he told me personally, not everybody's going to have that happen to them. This kind of article should only be written after careful consideration, but you clearly did that.
In short, thanks. Keep coming back.
Mr. Ebert:
I must join the chorus of my fellow Tradition-minded AA brethren who were gravely disappointed to see this blog post today.
In your article you stated "Unless I go insane and start pouring booze into my g-tube, I believe I'm reasonably safe."
This remark immediately calls to mind at least two salient points from our AA program of recovery as outlined in the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous' (a photo or which you have prominently displayed in your piece):
1. As a sober alcoholic I must remember that, with regard to my alcoholism, my behavior has been and still sometimes can be regarded as quite insane (see the chapters "The Doctor's Opinion" and "More About Alcoholism" in the Big Book). This special definition of insanity is crucial to our Steps 1 and 2.
2. Also, my sobriety hinges on the 24-hour, one-day-at-a-time concept that is central in 12-step recovery programs. As the AA book says on page 85 (Fourth edition), "We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."
Speaking very frankly, Mr. Ebert: Do you believe any of this stuff?
The other quote from your blog entry that sparked so much debate with other commenters (and myself) was this:
"You may be wondering, in fact, why I'm violating the A.A. policy of anonymity and outing myself...So consider this blog entry what A.A. calls a '12th step,' which means sharing the program with others. There's a chance somebody will read this and take the steps toward sobriety."
1. While I don't doubt your altruistic motivations in authoring and publishing this article, I am sorry to see it published because it so flagrantly goes against the spirit of our 12 Traditions.
Other commenters have already mentioned (ad nauseam) that as an AA member I ought never consider myself to be so unique, special, or different from any other person so as to justify considering myself an exception to AA tradition, any other tradition, or law, for that matter. Shoot--I had that drilled into my head from my sponsor at my very first meeting.
Moreover, there is the long, unfortunate history of public figures trumpeting their AA membership to the public and then relapsing spectacularly. The aftertaste to some members of the uninformed public? "BAH--AA doesn't work!"
No, the point I want to make here is actually Tradition 12:
"Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
When I was new in AA I thought putting AA principles above personalities meant that I should take the proverbial 'higher road' and not let the 'idiots' of the world (of which I thought there were many many many) get me down because I'm sober and attempting to live a sober life.
After a string of 24-hour periods of practicing AA recovery, I see that it is MY OWN PERSONALITY that will sink me every day and twice on Sunday. In other words, I need to keep AA principles before my own personality.
Perhaps in conclusion I'm just making the same point twice over: I respect the AA tradition not because the "AA police" are going to arrest me, not because I'll get drunk if I don't, but because I'm just another drunk on the bus, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and AA unity (Tradition 1) is most important overall.
Peace,
An AA Member
There are at least two reasons for passionate critics of A.A. to label it a cult.
(1) Many alcoholics who go to their first meeting feel like outsiders among conformists. They notice that everyone uses catch-phrases and seems to follow prearranged courses of speech and behavior. What's missing is the sense of spontaneity that seemed to accompany drunkenness.
This allows them to feel justified in abandoning sobriety.
I've never had a drinking problem myself, but I've had friends and girlfriends who did. I've always recommended A.A. with the stipulation they not see me for their first two years of getting clean.
The person who complained most loudly to me that A.A. was a religious cult has now been missing for a decade. The last time I saw her, she was in a bar gripping her tonic water and telling me she was committed to staying sober. She looked as if she'd just swallowed a glass bullet.
(2) Other critics of A.A. are likely disgruntled exes. One problem in A.A. is that certain members use its phrases and tenets as excuses for bad behavior. Used outside of meetings to sober victims,"it's a selfish program" becomes "I take no responsibility for causing pain." "A sober horse thief is still a horse thief" becomes "Ethics are unnecessary."
Sponsoring an alkie is not like marriage counseling. It isn't dependent on mutual compromise between partners or hearing both sides of a story. A self-deceiving drunk may misrepresent a relationship in which he behaves like an absolute bastard to innocent parties as a terrible burden involving hateful people who make him feel like "picking up." He may accomplish this in a roomful of sympathetic listeners and have his most selfish decisions reinforced -- all because his partner isn't there to correct him. Al-Anon seems to be recommended to every partner of a recent A.A. member: partners are seen as inherent "enablers": an inherent part of the problem simply because their spouse has one. Meanwhile, drunk mightl develop sexual/romantic relationships with others in the rooms, and that is looked upon as healthy -- a way to dissipate the alarming energy Ebert experienced. If only Ebert's doctor could offer grapefruit and long walks to everyone who felt galvanized by a sudden lack of alcohol.
In that sense, A.A. can resemble a cult to sober outsiders: The immediate family is frequently abandoned, while post-A.A. relationships with relative strangers are pursued. Sobriety becomes their excuse for infidelity.
Where I live, a clique of fashionable musicians attends certain local N.A. meetings. I've been told by others that many new female members in previously committed relationships have allowed themselves to be passed around by those men as part of their rite of sobriety. I've also known long-term female partners of alcoholics who found themselves in the same position. For A.A. to have a better rep among spouses, and achieve more constructive results for couples with children, greater emphasis would need to be placed on the necessity of honoring preexisting relationships.
Sadly, the problem with that idea is that it is secondary. A male drunk who is looking at failure, hospitalization and death is not the best candidate at that moment for focusing on a relationship or even being a responsible father. Perhaps it would be better for everyone if he simply left and worked on himself instead of staying at home to torture his wife and kids.
A.A. is the sound of drunks leaving their loved ones. For that reason alone, it can seem to resemble a cult -- particularly when the loved ones feel abandoned and betrayed.
I myself have a rule for dealing with girlfriends who turn out to be alcoholics: Those who wish to stay friends need to go to A.A. first. Those who need to go also need to stay out of my sight for two years. Most alcoholics seem incapable of sustained loyalty and intimacy until they've had at least two years of real sobriety.
I happen to be a proponent of A.A. and N.A. That doesn't mean I think the system is perfect, but it does mean I've seen it work. Another person I asked to go to N.A. is no longer close to me personally, but she is now one of the most famous designers in America. It helps to think about her when I worry I haven't helped others half as much as they've helped me.
This was wonderful, Roger. I'm 9 months into sobriety, and I loved this piece. I understand what people are saying about the 11th tradition on the one hand, but, on the other hand, it was finding out that a person I respected very much was in the program that finally made me admit that it was something I needed in my own life. While it's something he told me personally, not everybody's going to have that happen to them. This kind of article should only be written after careful consideration, but you clearly did that.
In short, thanks. Keep coming back.
Roger E,
Thanks for opening yourself up and revealing a very sensitive struggle in you life. I've been a big fan of yours for years, and I feel a kinship with you because of our mutual battle with addiction. You've been through a lot over the years, and you are a person deserving of respect and admiration: a great role model.
Please continue to speak freely, because you a shining beacan in a sometimes dark industry. You are one of the special people in this world that has earned the right to have a little leeway, and consideration when others try to find controversy. I applaud you.
I remember when you came into the program thinking to myself that you were going to need a major dose of humility to make this program work for you. Whatever you call your higher power has kept you teachable for over thirty years. Loved your comments at meetings and love you.
The only people who make AA seem like a cult are the sanctimonious assholes who are so angry about your "breaking the 11th tradition."
Ebert: They may or may not be assholes, but at least they're sober. :)
Roger E,
Thanks for opening yourself up and revealing a very sensitive struggle in you life. I've been a big fan of yours for years, and I feel a kinship with you because of our mutual battle with addiction. You've been through a lot over the years, and you are a person deserving of respect and admiration: a great role model.
Please continue to speak freely, because you a shining beacan in a sometimes dark industry. You are one of the special people in this world that has earned the right to have a little leeway, and consideration when others try to find controversy. I applaud you.
Rule 62: Don't take (ourselves) too seriously ...
The comments have been quite ... uh a challenge to keep my thoughts to myself. But I learned restraint of tongue and pen through the program.
Everyone has an opinion. That's obvious from the comments. To the comment about needing to still attend meetings after 30 years, alcoholism is a three-fold disease; physical, mental and spiritual. Sure, the physical cravings may be gone but the spiritual and mental need to be treated on a daily basis
~ One Day At A Time.
Thank you, Roger E. I remember sitting in meetings with you at the old location of the Mustard Seed. You've helped many people today by breaking your anonymity and sharing your experience, strength and hope in AA ... isn't that what it's all about ~ one drunk helping another ...
I remember taking my first sip of alcohol - something sparkling, champagne or wine, I think, when I was 4 or 5 years old. It was at a big family dinner. I was crammed in beside my parents, and someone, presumebly my mom, indulged in my persistent curiosity to try a sip. I remember the bubbles went straight up my nose and I made a stinky face and coughed. The whole table erupted in laughter.
I remember tasting beer for the first time, again sometime before starting elementary school. My dad was having drinks with the guys in the living room. I sneaked in and demanded a sip. It tasted disgusting - bitter and bitter. I remember clearly claiming: "ewwwwwww why would you drink this??" "It's an acquired taste," he smiled.
Then, somehow over the years, I went to university, passed the legal drinking age, attended house parties, stepped into pubs, lived through kareoke and nomihoudais (all-you-can drink sessions) in Japan, and spent some time in Ireland.
Now, I'm in a profession where its members' eligibility to AA is almost seen as a joke of professional requisite rather than a professional hazard. A cocktail is the ultimate motivator, deal-broker, stress-reliever, social lubricant, and that necessary nurse of the frayed nerves and overfired synapsies at the end of a long day (or the beginning of a long night). It's hard to say how I feel about the OH. I don't crave it. But I do like it. I can't imagine never taking a drink again. I think I could. But...why?
Sometimes, I wonder how I got from that little girl who couldn't stand the taste of beer, to someone who...well, acquired the taste. Is alcoholism simply a social disease of adulthood? Why do we accustom ourselves to something that is innately depressing and numbing? What does that say about the concept of adulthood? I never recall an epidemic of over-indulgence of juice and milk as a kid. Then again, those tastes came much more naturally.
I used to work with an alcoholic.
I could smell the booze on him when he came in at night to relive me.
One time I was involved in a motorcycle accident.
I ended up in the hospital with a colapsed lung.
This alcoholic calls me up at the hospital and all he said
was, "F*** you, f*** you, f*** you." I didn't know what to say.
I still remember that to this day.
I belive some alcholics have some serious personality disorders
to begin with. Maybe a lot of anger trying to get out.
Nice 12 step work.
I, too, used alcohol. Then somewhere along the line it started to use me.
Congrats on the 30Y coin, keep coming back.
Joy W.
01/26/08
This post touched me and scared me. Primarily from your two part question: If you drink when you didn't intend to, and more than you intended to, you, my friend, have just failed this test.
I fail that test all the time. I also fail that test when it comes to tv, internet, drinking soda - and other things that I'm either forgetting or intentionally omitting.
So what do I do if I'm "addicted" to a lot of things? I guess just keep on breathing in and out.
Here's an interesting fact you might not (want to) know: "Schlichter" is German, the verb is "schlichten" and means to arbitrate/conciliate. Quite fitting, don't you think?
If I am reading correctly, you stopped in August 1979, started AA and have continued to attend meetings ever since, or at least for a very long time after? I salute you sir-a powerful lesson in humility.
Roger,
Thank you for your blog, I missed my Wed AM meeting for an appointment and my friend forwarded your fantastic blog. I'm good. Your good for quite sometime as I see it. If we pray to help the man that still suffers, I think you've hit quite a few from the looks of these comments. Thanks again.....I'm looking for 7yrs this Dec
Mr. Ebert's assertion that his long term sobriey somehow justifies the public affirmation of his AA membership is actually a violation of two of AA's governing Twelve Traditions. These are Tradition 12:
"Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions ever reminding us to place principles before personalities." And Tradition 11: "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films."
The purpose of these traditions, apart from guaranteeing personal anonymity for recovering alcoholics, is to ensure that no individual becomes a spokesperson for AA; that AA principles should always take precedence over the opinion of its individual members.
Over the years, many "celebrities" such as Mr. Ebert, have seen fit to violate these traditions by publicly proclaiming their AA membership at a public level. Contrary to Mr. Ebert's expressed opinion, there is no statement in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that suggests that the length of one's sobriety entitles him or her to special dispensation where the Traditions are concerned.
I have no doubt that Mr. Ebert's opinions are intended to be helpful; however, his methods are unsuitable and contrary to approved AA practice.
Hey Roger,
I can't pretend to know what you went through, but I have had echoes of it. I was hospitalised for six months or so with Guillain Barre Syndrome (total paralysation) and I was unlucky enough to be one of the tiny % of people who suffer extreme pain from that illness. So I was on the highest dose of morphine for two months, and a massive regime of painkillers after that. Kicking something whether it is alcohol or painkillers is amongst the worst sensations you can have. I went cold turkey foolishly believing that would cure me when I still actually needed the painkillers. I just hated the thought of something controlling me. It's been a year now, and I'm down to my 600mgs of gabapentin instead of 2000 or so.
The connection with alcohol is that it became my subsitutuon painkiller, I drank far too much. For a small brunette girl I can hold my own, so even I didn't realise that what I was doing was stupid. Then one day I realised that I was nineteen years old. I'd already had one of the worst things (apart from death of loved ones) happen to me, and I had survived. But it didn't make me happy, and I wasn't getting to grips with my problem. Now I drink for pleasure, not to drown out pain or memories. It's still tough to resist the urge to dive into a bottle the moment things get tough, but I get by. Good literature, good films and good music have helped.
Thanks for such an evocative blog, and hope I haven't bored you with my presumably all too common tale.
Anya
P.S. The no hangovers thing? Absolutely true. I've never had a hangover in my life. I think it's because I'm a whisky drinker
Ebert: In my hard-won experience, whisky does not give you a pass.
Ebert: Try walking in quietly and sitting in the back of the room. No one will cross-examine you. If anyone asks you something, just say, "I'm here to listen." That will be understood and accepted. Do not stop after one meeting. Go back to the same group(s) until you get to know some of the members, and can observe their daily journeys.
I don't know why, after reading the entire blog entry, this one paragraph made me cry - but it did. Thank you Sir.
Ebert: That's how it works.
Thank you for this, Roger. Growing up in an Irish-Catholic family, the bottle was always on the table and the alcoholics who were whispered about, with shame, were those who were AA members and who had achieved sobriety. It was a rather confusing environment and one I only learned to disagree with when faced with the alcoholism and drug addiction of my second husband (we are no longer married but I must commend him on his five years of sobriety). What you have done here, at least to my eye, is demystify AA and I very much appreciate it.
I really wish certain commenters here asking about what would happen if you relapsed would read a little more carefully. Attention: It is literally impossible for him to relapse! He physically cannot drink! Why is this so hard for folks to understand?
I new there was a reason I liked you so much.I've been sober 20 years thanks to AA and its the best thing that ever happened to me.There appears to be many people who know nothing about AA that are taking shots at it. In the crazy world we live in anything that helps people should be lauded,not critisized.Great article and good luck with your sobriety.
AA is an anonymous program and our traditions are based on the spiritual principles behinds our anonymity. Our traditions specifically ask us to remain anonymous at the level of press, media, and film. It's one thing to write about our fellowship but quite another to break your anonymity in a public forum like this one. Regardless of your intentions you are threatening the welfare of those to come by using your god given gift to promote yourself.
Keep coming, Roger.
Peace
As an active and participating member of A.A., I am disappointed in both the 11th Tradition violation and the comments made regarding same that were not shared lovingly or even kindly. Patience, love, and tolerance are also codes and principles that we try to practice in all of I our affairs. It is not my job to take Mr. Ebert's inventory. This article may very well help (and maybe already has) a struggling drunk. However, it may have harmed one as well. The 10th Tradition wherein we try to avoid bringing the A.A. name into public controversy may have also been violated by some of the opinions following the article; some of which were argumentive, mean-spirited, and/or uninformed. Some of this behavior may not be seen as attractive to a struggling drunk giving them just enough reason to not seek us out.
In the 12 & 12, Bill W. writes the following about Tradition 11:
"At one point, about a hundred of our Society were breaking anonymity at the public level. With perfectly good intent, these folks declared that the principle of anonymity was horse-and-buggy stuff, something appropriate to A.A.'s pioneering days. They were sure that A.A. could go faster and farther if it availed itself of modern publicity methods. A.A., they pointed out, included many persons of local, national, or international fame. Provided they were willing--and many were--why shouldn't their membership be publicized, thereby encouraging others to join us? These were plausible arguments, but happily our friends of the writing profession disagreed with them.
The Foundation* wrote letters to practically every news outlet in North America, setting forth our public relations policy of attraction rather than promotion, and emphasizing personal anonymity as A.A. greatest protection."
Bills ends this chapter with:
"This Tradition is a constant and practical reminder that personal ambition has no place in A.A. In it, each member becomes an active guardian of our Fellowship."
So I ask that we would prayerfully consider is it worth breaking any of our Traditions knowing that we could potentially be harming A.A. as a whole?
"Don't let the good be the enemy of the best."
Yours in the Fellowship,
a sober drunk
i'm going to guess that there will be more than one person who needs AA and, after reading your entry, will join. i'm also going to guess that more than one person will know someone who needs AA and, after reading your entry, will forward this to that someone who needs AA. thus, more than one person will likely be on their way to better health as a result of this entry.
hopefully, more than one of the haters who keep railing against you for breaking the sacred anonymity thought will realize that by creating this connection through this entry, you will have saved at least one life. perhaps more than one of those haters will begin to feel foolish right about ....... now.
We are all powerless over alcohol. It is impossible to control alcohol. Allen Carr says it very well in his book "The Easy Way to Quit Drinking". It helped me to finally stop the insanity.
Congratulations on 30 years, Roger. I'm approaching 18 months myself, after having relapsed with 11 years sober. Glad to be back, and it's powerful to learn one of my favorite people is also "one of us".
As you know, early sobriety can be difficult, and I have been down lately. I'm a big fan of your writing (often I read reviews for films I have no intention of watching). This difficult morning I said to myself "Check out Ebert. That'll cheer you up." And there was your blog entry, and instead of a movie review, I attended a virtual meeting. Perfect. Thanks so much.
Thank you so much for sharing your beautifully written story and for helping me. A friend in trouble has been asking me a lot of questions about A.A. and you captured exactly what I have been trying to describe…the group of drunks, helping each other stay away from the booze and to become better people.
I am always awestruck when I read the Traditions and the wisdom contained therein. I won’t violate the anonymity of another alcoholic and I’ll protect mine as I see fit. For me, this means choosing to share my A.A. experience with people who are suffering with the disease or anyone with a question. I won’t name names, but I will explain what it’s been like for me…as you did. By checking myself, wondering if I’m violating a privilege, I also wonder if I may be evoking an image of a secret society or cult, or if I’m perpetuating the stigma of the alcoholic both in an out of recovery. In reality, there is no stigma or shame, because there is no judgment in the rooms of A.A. I’m very fortunate to have found this group of people to help me become a better, sober person.
Thanks for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. I was fascinated by the comments, especially with those who feel you ignored the 11th Tradition. If you read the forwards to the Big Book, anonymity initially arose because the original 100 members were afraid that once the book, "Alcoholics Anonymous", was published, that if they used their last names, they would be so deluged with requests for help that they may not be able to sustain the program /fellowship in the early years. I also feel, as you so eloquently explain, that a reasoned discussion from one who has experienced and is living recovery is much more preferable to the growth of AA than the tabloid stories of celebrities yoyoing in and out of chic "Spin Dry" Detoxes. So...congratulations to you on 30 years - tomorrow I celebrate 27 myself!
Roger, for many years I have read your reviews and commentaries and wanted to write to tell you how I admire the depth of your analyses and the keeness of your observations. I think you are an incredibly profound critic of US culture, not just the movies. Thank you for many hours of great intellectual reading and excellent movie discussions - really, I think they far transcend the mundane pieces generally put forward as "reviews".
And thank you for this piece. As a former member of OA, who found so much of the AA program very meaningful and useful, those who criticize you on the basis of Step 11, in my opinion, are confusing the form with the content. Anonymity is a critical aspect of AA meetings, and there are good reasons for it. But the question is also what better serves the greater good? Outing oneself in this context totally embodies the spirit of the 12th step and the critics say more about themselves than you in raising it - isn't there also something in there about not taking another's inventory?
I have so such admiration for your work, and have so deeply appreciated your many discussions about race and how it is dealt with in film (one of your best reviews ever, and perhaps one of the first I ever read, was on Spike Lee's film, "Do the Right Thing". I don't always agree with your reviews (I hated the Werner Herzog movie about the guy in Brazil and loved other movies you've panned) but I always appreciate the intellect, wit, and knowledge with with they are written. Thank you.
I got a call at 5 am today from my husband. He works in Joliet and I live/ work in Bloomington. He said I should pick up the Sun Times becuse of your article.I have been a gratefull friend of Bill W. for 2 1/2 years. I did not read all the comments, but a few caught my eye. If speaking out on your part has helped or encouraged someone to head to an AA meeting, I say good for you and those old "bleeding deacons" should kiss your ass about blowing your cover. It's your business.
David Foster Wallace was a pal of mine. He killed himself. He was a brilliant sick man. I don't know what happened. I do know that this illness is deadly. I am honored to be part of the Fellowship with the likes of you.
Rebecca V. Bloomington, Il
"My name is Roger and ... and ... I just violated one of the essential tenants of the AA Fellowship ... anonymity." Why? Well, for the greater good, of course. Being a famous person, my story will undoubtedly inspire countless people suffering from alcoholism to gain that essential insight into the hopelessness of their situation and be motivated at last to reach out for the help they've been denying themselves or have been unwilling to accept.
Or, is there a different motive; a somewhat more subtle motive; the same essential motivation that is the bane of the alcoholics existence? By this I mean the motive of self-centredness, self-aggrandizement.
The entire experience of Alcoholics Anonymous (there's that 'anonymous' word again)is a cautionary tale that teaches us that we can never trust our own motivations and that our actions, no matter how much we believe them to be directed towards the good, should be "checked out". And in the case of one who elects to fly in the face of a central tenant of the Fellowship, it is difficult to imagine that Roger checked this out with anyone else.
There are lots of people who will (and do) applaud him for this revelation. There are lots of people who haven't fully informed themselves of the underlying wisdom behind the principle of anonymity at the level of press, radio, film and the internet.
But he will not be, and is not, applauded by those who appreciate the damage that such self-disclosure can do to the integrity of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Bill W. used to always repeat the caution, "The good can be the enemy of the best." He liked that quote because members of AA used to state it to him frequently to help him to keep his own ego in check.
Length of sobriety does not earn us a dispensation from the traditions and Roger has done a profound disservice to the programme that he credits for saving his life.
How unfortunate.
Thanks for the desktop meeting. I am weepy with nostalgia for all those characters. I remember daydreaming through a meeting in the Mustard Seed on a September day 30 years ago looking out the open door to the Sun-Times truck passing by. Your photo was on the side of the truck. I tuned back into the meeting and there you were right in front of me. You've had my attention ever since. Congratulations.
{please do not publish email address, for obvious reasons]
Mr. Ebert, thank you. Been reading your blog for a couple of years, and the first time I felt the urge to put in my 2 cents. Though I come from a long line of alcoholics, I've been blessed.
For 20 years I've worked as a psych tech, including on a rehab unit. 2-3 times/week I was required to drive in-patients to a local AA meeting, so when they were discharged they'd all ready be involved. I sat in the back and kept quiet, plain street clothes and with my hospital name tag in my pocket, and no one ever asked me anything.
One night in the coffee shop with my then fiance, a man I'd known for years stopped by and said, "Arthur, I never knew you were an alcoholic! I saw you at the meeting the other night." To tell him anything of my work might have compromised the patients I was with, so I told him, "well, I'm there 2-3 times/week."
VERRRRY long conversation with the fiance.;) She married me anyway.
God bless you, congratulations on your thirty years. As for the 11th step, I'm sure you've done much more good than harm by "coming out."
Dear Mr. Ebert- Thank you for your post. My father was an alcoholic. He only drank beer, but he couldn't get enough. He went to AA meetings for years. He used to just call them his club meetings. One day he showed me his 30 years of sobriety medal and I asked him why he still went to the meetings since he had been sober for over 30 years. I asked if he even thought about drinking anymore. And he said "Every day". He passed away nine years ago on August 20, and I am grateful that he got the help he needed through AA. Many of his friends from the meetings came up to me at the funeral and said kind words about him. I am grateful for those words and keep them in my heart. May you live long and be happy always.
Congratulations on the biggest 3-0 that anyone can achieve. My father was also an alcoholic and quit roughly around the same time that you did. It wasn't AA that stopped him, though: my stepmother stabbed him. As he recuperated, he decided to stop both drinking and smoking. Sadly, he died in 1984 from colon cancer, but I had never seen him more happy than those last five years of his life.
Another great movie that deals with alcoholism: The Morning After (1973). A m-f-TV movie that starred Dick Van Dyke as a family man who loses it to the bottle. The ending is very sad and a little scary. Van Dyke says that the movie is still shown in some alcohol rehab centers.
Proverbs 23:29-35
"Who hath woe? Who hath sorrow? Who hath contentions? Who hath babbling? Who hath wounds without cause? Who hath redness of eyes? They that tarry long at the wine; they that go to seek mixed wine. Look not thou upon the wine when it is red, when it giveth his colour in the cup, when it moveth itself aright.
At the last it biteth like a serpent, and stingeth like an adder.
Thine eyes shall behold strange women, and thine heart shall utter perverse things.
Yea, thou shalt be as he that lieth down in the midst of the sea, or as he that lieth upon the top of a mast.
They have stricken me, shalt thou say, and I was not sick; they have beaten me, and I felt it not: when shall I awake?
I will seek it yet again."
Wow, there are some sour little posts among the flood of gratitude! I think thirty years entitles anyone to consider themselves qualified to proselytize a little bit. Now, is there a Trolls Anonymous meeting anywhere nearby?
Roger, for many years I have read your reviews and commentaries and wanted to write to tell you how I admire the depth of your analyses and the keeness of your observations. I think you are an incredibly profound critic of US culture, not just the movies. Thank you for many hours of great intellectual reading and excellent movie discussions - really, I think they far transcend the mundane pieces generally put forward as "reviews".
And thank you for this piece. As a former member of OA, who found so much of the AA program very meaningful and useful, those who criticize you on the basis of Step 11, in my opinion, are confusing the form with the content. Anonymity is a critical aspect of AA meetings, and there are good reasons for it. But the question is also what better serves the greater good? Outing oneself in this context totally embodies the spirit of the 12th step and the critics say more about themselves than you in raising it - isn't there also something in there about not taking another's inventory?
I have so such admiration for your work, and have so deeply appreciated your many discussions about race and how it is dealt with in film (one of your best reviews ever, and perhaps one of the first I ever read, was on Spike Lee's film, "Do the Right Thing". I don't always agree with your reviews (I hated the Werner Herzog movie about the guy in Brazil and loved other movies you've panned) but I always appreciate the intellect, wit, and knowledge with with they are written. Thank you.
Thank you for writing this. I noticed many years ago that you treat the subject of addiction in your reviews with a particular care, sensitivity, and insight. I've long hoped you would expand on this theme with your usual wit and grace. I found it to be one of your best entries. May it do good.
This was a wonderful example of how Alcoholic Anonymous really works in the lives of recovering alcoholics. I really enjoyed your story as a member of A.A. myself, and thought it was refreshing. I love to hear about how the program has been working for the “old timers” in the program, it gives me hope.
The controversy over breaking anonymity seems a little uptight if you ask me; the personal decision to break your anonymity is just that personal. It seems to me that you were carrying the message, and in today’s world the message may be in the form of a blog or an email. I do not think you were promoting A.A. just telling your story of how you got sober and how you continue recover. Times have changed since Bill W. wrote these traditions. There were no computers or blogs in those days, and even some of the Old timers criticizing you probably don’t quiet get blogging.
Alcoholics Anonymous has saved my life and I am so grateful to hear people with so much sobriety talk about the program, 30 years is an amazing amount of time in recovery. I myself have 3 years and that seem like a lifetime ago that I drank. I also have lost the desire to drink, actually. God has removed it from me! One of my favorite quotes from the big book is “nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake”, and I believe that with all of my heart.
Your blog, has no doubt opened the eyes of many readers, and let them know that this program is working for you and for others and there is not a catch. This to me is carrying the message and isn’t that one of A.A.’s primary purposes? “Our primary purpose is to recover from alcoholism and to carry the message to the alcoholic that still suffers” This you have done with eloquence and grace, bravo!
All you have to do is look at how many lives you have touched and you know, you have done the right thing. We look forward to inspiration, we look forward to resignation, we strive for less condemnation. Peace my Brother! Khris
All you have to do is look at how many lives you have touched and you know, you have done the right thing. We look forward to inspiration, we look forward to resignation, we strive for less condemnation. Peace my Brother! Khris
Roger, for many years I have read your reviews and commentaries and wanted to write to tell you how I admire the depth of your analyses and the keeness of your observations. I think you are an incredibly profound critic of US culture, not just the movies. Thank you for many hours of great intellectual reading and excellent movie discussions - really, I think they far transcend the mundane pieces generally put forward as "reviews".
And thank you for this piece. As a former member of OA, who found so much of the AA program very meaningful and useful, those who criticize you on the basis of Step 11, in my opinion, are confusing the form with the content. Anonymity is a critical aspect of AA meetings, and there are good reasons for it. But the question is also what better serves the greater good? Outing oneself in this context totally embodies the spirit of the 12th step and the critics say more about themselves than you in raising it - isn't there also something in there about not taking another's inventory?
I have so such admiration for your work, and have so deeply appreciated your many discussions about race and how it is dealt with in film (one of your best reviews ever, and perhaps one of the first I ever read, was on Spike Lee's film, "Do the Right Thing". I don't always agree with your reviews (I hated the Werner Herzog movie about the guy in Brazil and loved other movies you've panned) but I always appreciate the intellect, wit, and knowledge with with they are written. Thank you.
Roger
The timing of your post floors me as, since Saturday night, I have been contemplating confronting my father about his drinking.
The thoughtfulness and honesty that you have displayed here is uncommon in today's writing (especially blogging). I don't often get to see my father for we are separated by over a thousand miles. I feared that his loneliness had added to his drinking, and, in turn, pushed him into a depressive state.
Your writing has helped steer me to make the decision that I do dread and will temporarily regret so I don't have to regret not taking action for the rest of my life.
Do you have any suggestions about confronting someone about their problem with alcohol? It seems unfair to do something like this over the phone, but, unfortunately, I can't afford to travel much. I'd rather do it over the phone than wait a day longer to confront him.
This really, really helped me. May God (or whatever it is out there) bless you.
Roger
thank you for sharing
I have heard your program wisdom personally many times and all I can say is this is the best writing you have ever done
This will help more than one who still suffers
Others have pointed out your shortcut of details here: "A.A. is an oral tradition reaching back to that first meeting between Bill W. and Doctor Bob in the lobby of an Akron hotel."
They first met at the Seiberling estate gatehouse in Akron. Bill was staying at the Mayflower Hotel in downtown Akron when he turned to the church directory instead of going into the bar, and called around looking for a drunk to help.
He reached a minister who knew Henrietta Seiberling, who knew Dr. Bob.
I love this:
The last thing I want to do is start an argument about A.A.. Don't go if you don't want to. It's there if you need it. In most cities, there's a meeting starting in an hour fairly close to you. It works for me. That's all I know. I don't want to argue with you about it.
Nicely said.
Roger
thank you for sharing
I have heard your program wisdom personally many times and all I can say is this is the best writing you have ever done
This will help more than one who still suffers
As a member with over 21 years, I break my anonymity for only one purpose, to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers, which is our "Primary purpose" I might add. You have done so today better than I ever could!
p.s. The comments are better than the blog. Fascinating!
Dear Mr. Ebert:
THANK YOU for sharing with us the story of your recovery. I feel honored and privileged to be a part of the same miracle that helped you remain sober 30 years, even if only for a third as long as you have.
I have lived in Chicago all of my life and today am an even bigger fan of yours than ever. In your blog you have done more to articulate how A.A. works for those who want it than the most eloquent speaker at a Saturday night open. Again, THANK YOU!
Just celebrated 31 years this month, thanks to God and AA. I was 23 years old when I was given the gift of sobriety, and with plenty of help, I have remained clean and sober since. I have had the great fortune of living a spiritual life, filled with many blessings.
When I was an infant, I had an allergic reaction to penicillin. They say whatever happened to me almost caused my death. So from that day on, all of my medical records state in bold red letters "ALLERGIC TO PENICILLIN". Now that I am 54 years old, I would be a fool to attempt to take any form of penicillin. The years that have passed have not changed my allergy to this drug. I am still every bit as allergic today, as I was as an infant. The same holds true with my allergy to alcohol. Just because I haven't drank in 31 years, doesn't mean that I'm still not allergic to it. I have been given a reprieve. I no long suffer from it's devastating effects (as long as I remain abstinent). What I have found over the course of my life is that going to AA meetings works. AA not only saved my life, it has enabled me to live a full and productive life.
It's alcoholism not alcoholwasm.....
To those who say the Traditions are optional, I say you must not have become very involved in service work, a crucial element of recovery. Nothing would get done at the group level and beyond if we did not have the Traditions as our guide.
As one who's served as a phone volunteer at AA Intergroups in two populous areas over the past 14 years, I can tell you unequivocably that most people, when making their first call to AA, unknowingly ask questions that pertain to the 12 Traditions rather than the 12 Steps. How much does it cost? (Nothing.) Who runs AA? (AA members -- it's a democracy.) Do I have to sign anything? (No.) The meeting is at St. Joe's -- does that mean it's affiliated with the church? (No.) Is that rehab AA-approved? (Never.) What does AA think about other methods of recovery? (AA has no opinion on outside issues.) A big celebrity just told the whole world that he's an AA member -- will I have to do that? (We strongly suggest you don't.)
I notice Roger's story includes no mention of service work at the group level or beyond. That would be quite an oversight in telling his story if he's done a significant amount of it over his 30 years, and quite a tragedy for him if he hasn't.
As for me, my home group devotes an hour to the study of a Tradition on the last Wednesday of every month. Tonight's Tradition 8. We usually get 40-50 people for a Traditions meeting -- less than we get for a Steps meeting on the other Wednesdays or our open meetings on Mondays. But still a significant number. I am proud of my group for taking this seriously and proud of the members who show up every Wednesday to discuss topics that others label dry or optional.
On a side note:
I can relate to your hippie friend nearly freezing to death in Alaska. It brings back some strong memories.
By sheer coincidence, I have my own experience in trouble in the wilds of Alaska. Spending several unpleasant hours pondering my mortality. Having a miracle experience, that profoundly affected my spiritual life. No alcohol involved, but you don't need any to get in trouble in Alaska.
I'm glad that she, and I, came out of it okay to tell the stories.
Randy
To My Brother of the Bottle: Thank you for sharing a bit of your experience, strength & hope with us; it's a wonderful story to read! I leave this comment as a way of asking a personal favor. When I was in rehab myself, nearly ten years ago, we went through an exercise of describing our childhood image of an alcoholic, and then worked on adjusting that image to what we saw reflected in the mirror. For me, my memory was a flash of a scene in a movie. Rock Hudson was the star and Africa was the setting, I think. In any event, the star was a "dry drunk" kind of alcoholic who lived in a lone train car, and the natives would hang empty bottles around the car in the night, to further tormet him. The star would go crazy when he saw and heard the bottles the next day. Since this exercise, I've spent dozens of hours on the IMDB and other sites trying to identify this movie. Have I given you enough information, correct or otherwise, to identify this movie for me? I'm not going to drink over it, but would surely be grateful if you could answer this 10-year riddle for me! Thank you, my friend, and may God continue to bless you.
A recovering alcoholic and AA member in New York writes:
There are many useful feature films with an AA component that few
people--maybe even you, Roger--are aware of. Three from the 1950s are
"Something To Live For," s sequel of sorts to "The Lost Weekend" with
Ray Milland now in AA; "Come Fill The Cup" with James Cagney as a Chicago newspaper city desk chief and recovering alkie who has a
sponsor (James Gleason), hires only men off the bottle, and 12th-steps
the publisher's son (Gig Young); and "Voice In The Mirror," with Richard Egan and Arthur O'Connell inventing AA in 1958 because it
doesn't exist, and more or less echoing Bill and Dr. Bob. These join
"I'll Cry Tomorrow" with Susan Hayward as Lillian Roth finding strengthand hope in AA, Burt Lancaster in "Come Back Little Sheba" doing likewise, and of course Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick in the all-important"Days of Wine And Roses," released nearly the same time the American Medical Association changed its diagnosis of alcoholism from an illness to a disease. Contemporary films like "When A Man
Loves A Woman" with Meg Ryan and "Drunks" with Richard Lewis giving
qualifications are also instructive.
This is the kind of info you should be giving your readers, rather than closed-discussion ideas. You're a film critic, not a poster boy
for AA. We already have Augusten Burroughs, and he's more than
enough.
I am discouraged by all those who are taking your inventory in admonishing you against the 11th tradition. This is but one tradition in an organization that has no creedo, no dogma. I can't think of a good reason to insult you for sharing your story. I hope those who are take a look at their own inventory, and come to understand themselves better.
Miles Blanton
Roger,
Thank you for sharing. Your thoughtful and heartfelt essay really struck home with me. I too am an alcoholic. I don't care who knows it, as long as I don't forget it. The AA program saved my life when I was at wit's end with no idea of what to do. I had fallen into a cycle of drinking (and drugging)to escape from the problems that drinking (and drugging) caused. I had my last drink on March 21, 2001 and through the fellowship of AA have not had one since.
Again, thank you for sharing your story.
Roger;
I would just love to say that I admire your frontness and honesty; especially with your position. You are giving hope to the thousands of people who need help but don't know how to get it. As of the 25th of August, I have been 1 year sober and I appreciate your encouragement you are giving me to continue!!! Keep going back, it works! Michael Derewicz, Chicago
Mr Ebert,
Thank you so much for your gracious & honest depiction of AA. I applaud you. I would have missed this if it were not for my sponsee who forwarded it on to me. How fortunate I feel to offer you congratulations on your anniversary. My time in the program has been a blessing - never once have I regretted choosing rehab and the logical steps that followed. We all get in the door a different way, and yet, it is the same way.
I won't say AA solved all of my problems, but it has given me the tools to grow and become a problem solver. It is only through action that we achieve the promises. And, I suppose there are days when I feel the promises have eluded me... but not often and it is fleeting. Not regretting the past nor wishing to shut the door on it is what keeps me humble and plugged-in.
After reading your essay and the following posts, I feel like I have been to a meeting! Thank you, again. And, congratulations, again.
Roger,
I'm wondering if you think there's such a thing as a 'healthy drinker'? (Apologies if you've already addressed this in one of the hundreds of messages above!). Or are we all in denial?
I took the test and would have been border line back when I used to get drunk but haven't been drunk for about a year, only having the odd glass of wine ... the thing is, though, is alcohol in any quantity 'okay'? More and more I wonder, what's the point of a substance which, even after one glass, affects/impairs you in some way?
If we don't need to get drunk why do we need a glass or two? Or is it just that those who want to drink too much should steer clear?
And I'd love to know your thoughts on the philosophy of drunkenness ... why do we seek freedom in something that is so oppressive?
Thank you so much for this post; God bless you for your honesty and humility.
Ebert: Speaking only for myself, I do not feel a single drink is safe for an alcoholic. What is the point of drinking "a little" if a little could remove your inhibitions about drinking more?
I would be horrified to ever again find myself behaving the way I could when I was drinking.
For someone who is not an alcoholic, the case is different.
A period of not drinking does not make you a non-alcoholic.
Thanks, Roger, one of your best pieces ever. And those who would dismiss it by "calling" you on the 11th tradition are being, shall we say, too religious?
As a writer, you probably appreciate my irritation over the glamorization of writers who were "great drinkers," like Hemingway (i.e., selling drinks named after him in Key West) and Hunter S. Thompson. There's even a Writers Who Drink open readings sessions at bars here in Chicago now. Oh, brother ....
The best book I ever read about alcoholism is The Thirsty Muse. How Hemingway, Faulkner, and Fitzgerald were victims of disease, and didn't even know it. There's also a chapter about Eugene O'Neill, and his struggles. He eventually quit, though not through AA.
Another good movie about alcoholism is Come Fill the Cup with James Cagney, though it's been years since I've seen it. He had a thing for grapefruits too ....
Thank you for letting me get to know another side you. AA saved my
life also, for thirty two years I was addicted to herion and alcohol. Going to meetings every day for my first year clean I was able to meet other recovering people who were attending NA . On Oct.2 2009 I will celebrat eleven years. It's not true once a drunk
always a drunk, we do recover one day at a time. Over time not over
night.
It's bad enough that Ebert broke the 11th tradition with the article, but it's being compounded by the outing of meeting places and times. Anonymity means Anonymity!!!! Outing meeting places may make people think twice about going to a meeting there.
Ebert: Who outed a meeting place and time? The Mustard Seed has moved several times.
I have made a lot of very stupid mistakes in my life. One of the few things I am truly proud of is that I don't smoke, don't drink and don't do drugs. Oh, I've had alcohol a time or two (but never smoked nor done drugs), but I didn't drink the first time until I I was 25, and I was in my early thirties before I actually drank an entire drink. They just haven't ever tasted good to me.
Besides, I'm quite madly in love with my mind and can't ever see the point of voluntarily fogging it with drink. If I want to escape from reality I'll put on a good movie. That more than gets the job done.
All that said, congrats to you, Roger. I've known people who have had issues with substance abuse and while I don't smoke, drink or do drugs, I have a great deal of respect for anyone who can stop doing any or all of the three.
Your alcoholism was a badly kept secret, but your recovery has been an ongoing example of how people can change their behavior if they want to. Your recent courage during your debilitating and ongoing battle with cancer is a lesson to us all. I hope you are feeling well.
Ebert: You remind me of the saying, "Why are people afraid of being seen at a meeting when they weren't afraid of being seen drunk?
This was a wonderful example of how Alcoholic Anonymous really works in the lives of recovering alcoholics. I really enjoyed your story as a member of A.A. myself, and thought it was refreshing. I love to hear about how the program has been working for the “old timers” in the program, it gives me hope.
The controversy over breaking anonymity seems a little uptight if you ask me; the personal decision to break your anonymity is just that personal. It seems to me that you were carrying the message, and in today’s world the message may be in the form of a blog or an email. I do not think you were promoting A.A. just telling your story of how you got sober and how you continue recover. Times have changed since Bill W. wrote these traditions. There were no computers or blogs in those days, and even some of the Old timers criticizing you probably don’t quiet get blogging.
Alcoholics Anonymous has saved my life and I am so grateful to hear people with so much sobriety talk about the program, 30 years is an amazing amount of time in recovery. I myself have 3 years and that seem like a lifetime ago that I drank. I also have lost the desire to drink, actually. God has removed it from me! One of my favorite quotes from the big book is “nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake”, and I believe that with all of my heart.
Your blog, has no doubt opened the eyes of many readers, and let them know that this program is working for you and for others and there is not a catch. This to me is carrying the message and isn’t that one of A.A.’s primary purposes? “Our primary purpose is to recover from alcoholism and to carry the message to the alcoholic that still suffers” This you have done with eloquence and grace, bravo!
Though my alcoholic parent managed to function enough to keep a job, his parenting suffered as did all of his kids. The government permanently removed us from his custody, my siblings and I were all grateful for that intervention. He's gone now but I know he was helped by AA and, prompted by AA, made attempts to make amends. He wasn't perfect but he was a better person once he was sober.
Though I'm not an alcoholic, I avoid alcohol and situations where drinking is the purpose of the event. I don't see the appeal.
Thank you for writing about this and starting the conversation, I suspect it will help people.
All I can say to everyone in such a huff over the 11th tradition: Rule #63
Thank you for a wonderful and insightful article.
Tim
Roger,
Congrats on your 30th anniversary. The 31st year is a BITCH!
Please re-read Traditions 11 and 12.
I had a great day today.......................Jack H
Don't go if you don't want to. It's there if you need it.
If AA were as voluntary as you make it out to be, I wouldn't mind it so much. But as K.C. Gould points out above, people can be ordered by a judge to attend AA meetings. And despite this fact, AA still refuses to even attempt to produce any evidence that the program works at all. The plural of "anecdote" is not "data."
Ebert: I agree with your points about the judges.
Regarding AA's success rate:
http://hindsfoot.org/lorarch.html.
Dear Faithful Critic,
Thank you for your piece in today's paper. AA may discourage people from outing themselves, understandably, but I think it is valuable and maybe should happen a little more often. Your column today was perfect, it hit all the right notes.
My youngest son is about to turn 26 and is an alcoholic, as is my brother and as was my father-in-law. At Thanksgiving, it will be three years since my son came out of rehab and became a regular with AA. I was always disdainful of AA for all the reasons you mentioned until I learned about it through him. Another knock on it was its supposedly low success rate. I think that view failed to take into account people who keep coming back until it sticks.
The God thing was always a hang-up for me, again, until I learned. There are different styles of meetings and you look for the ones that work for you. My son has mentioned Mustard Seed among many, many others. Most importantly, however, and to reinforce parts of your story, it is a community, doors always open, no judgment, just acceptance, anywhere in the country or the world.
I never understood drinking, never knew anyone I liked better when they were drinking than when they weren’t. My father (who, along with my mother, drank “normally” or “socially”) always said people drank to feel different. I think there’s some truth to that, but I think “the second drink takes itself” mode takes over after a while. I have also come to believe that human beings in general are addiction-prone, and most of the rest of us are enablers. That’s why drunk driving laws and sentences aren’t tougher. There’s too much of “There but for the grace of God…” in us.
It’s also why I think more people should talk about it. I don’t include it when I introduce myself to people, but I have never hesitated to talk about my son’s problems even before he finally (after seven years) made it into rehab. It’s like illnesses like cancer, it’s too important not to be open about, as you and Mary Mitchell and others have done, if there’s a chance for others to learn and understand.
I have been reading you from very close to the beginning at the Sun-Times and I still tell people, even if you don’t agree with him, you’re missing good writing. You have been so productive these days I have a hard time keeping up.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Faithful Reader
Don't go if you don't want to. It's there if you need it.
If AA were as voluntary as you make it out to be, I wouldn't mind it so much. But as K.C. Gould points out above, people can be ordered by a judge to attend AA meetings. Yet AA still refuses to even attempt to produce any evidence that the program works at all. The plural of "anecdote" is not "data."
Don't go if you don't want to. It's there if you need it.
If AA were as voluntary as you make it out to be, I wouldn't mind it so much. But as K.C. Gould points out above, people can be ordered by a judge to attend AA meetings. Yet AA still refuses to even attempt to produce any evidence that the program works at all. The plural of "anecdote" is not "data."
Don't go if you don't want to. It's there if you need it.
If AA were as voluntary as you make it out to be, I wouldn't mind it so much. But as K.C. Gould points out above, people can be ordered by a judge to attend AA meetings. And despite this fact, AA still refuses to even attempt to produce any evidence that the program works at all. The plural of "anecdote" is not "data."
i have been sober for over 17 years now. i also have not had a drink since i started AA. i owe this to the organization and members of AA. i believe it is the responsibility of all our members to protect the traditions of AA especially those with long term sobriety.too many people are coming into the program and interpreting the steps and traditions to serve their purposes.the traditions are time tested and work. if too many people think that they know better this thing could be diluted so bad that it is much less effective than the program you have enjoyed. 1.step one-we are powerless over alchohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. by stating you are too sick to drink gives the impression that there will be a time when you will not have to worry about drinking.this is not true for us.we are powerless over alchohol as long as we are alive the possibility of drinking is always there! in fact the further we think we are from a drink the closer we probably are. 2.tradition eleven-our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion;we need ALWAYS maintain personal anonymity at the level of PRESS, radio and films.following are excerts from twelve steps and twelve traditions written by Bill W. co founder of AA."by temperament,nearly every one of us had been an irrepressible promoter,and the prospect of a society composed almost entirely of self promoters was frightening.considering this explosive factor,we new we had to exercise self-restraint." "the AA foundation wrote letters to practically every news outlet in north america,setting forth our public relations policy of attraction rather than promotion, and emphasizing PERSONAL ANONYMITY IS AA GREATEST PROTECTION." "to us,however, it represents far more than a sound public relations policy.it is more than a denial of self-seeking.this tradition is a constant and practical reminder that personal ambition has no place in AA. in it, EACH MEMBER an ACTIVE GUARDIAN of OUR FELLOWSHIP." while the reason you gave for breaking our twelfth tradition is a good one but it is not even mentioned in the twelve and twelve. there are more important reasons and if you would have taken the time to read one of our most important books you might have made a better choice. i think you were irresponsible in what you did and clearly made a choice based on ego.maqybe you like all the at-a boys,and thats what this tradition is about.i believe you owe AA an apology,and writing an article informing everyone why what you did was wrong. i congradulate you on your continuing sobriety and hope your health improves.everyone makes mistakes.i think you should do your best to make amends.i will always take the advice and interpretations of bill w., dr.bob, and the founding members of AA over rodger eberts. i hope all members feel this way.all the answers are in the big book and twelve and twelve please study them. remember outside forces cannot destroy us only we can do it from within. ps.breaking the 11th tradition is NOT twelve step work its rationalization.
To My Brother of the Bottle: Thank you for sharing a bit of your experience, strength & hope with us; it's a wonderful story to read! I leave this comment as a way of asking a personal favor. When I was in rehab myself, nearly ten years ago, we went through an exercise of describing our childhood image of an alcoholic, and then worked on adjusting that image to what we saw reflected in the mirror. For me, my memory was a flash of a scene in a movie. Rock Hudson was the star and Africa was the setting, I think. In any event, the star was a "dry drunk" kind of alcoholic who lived in a lone train car, and the natives would hang empty bottles around the car in the night, to further tormet him. The star would go crazy when he saw and heard the bottles the next day. Since this exercise, I've spent dozens of hours on the IMDB and other sites trying to identify this movie. Have I given you enough information, correct or otherwise, to identify this movie for me? I'm not going to drink over it, but would surely be grateful if you could answer this 10-year riddle for me! Thank you, my friend, and may God continue to bless you.
As an active and participating member of A.A., I am disappointed in both the 11th Tradition violation and the comments made regarding same that were not shared lovingly or even kindly. Patience, love, and tolerance are also codes and principles that we try to practice in all of I our affairs. It is not my job to take Mr. Ebert's inventory. This article may very well help (and maybe already has) a struggling drunk. However, it may have harmed one as well. The 10th Tradition wherein we try to avoid bringing the A.A. name into public controversy may have also been violated by some of the opinions following the article; some of which were argumentive, mean-spirited, and/or uninformed. Some of this behavior may not be seen as attractive to a struggling drunk giving them just enough reason to not seek us out.
In the 12 & 12, Bill W. writes the following about Tradition 11:
"At one point, about a hundred of our Society were breaking anonymity at the public level. With perfectly good intent, these folks declared that the principle of anonymity was horse-and-buggy stuff, something appropriate to A.A.'s pioneering days. They were sure that A.A. could go faster and farther if it availed itself of modern publicity methods. A.A., they pointed out, included many persons of local, national, or international fame. Provided they were willing--and many were--why shouldn't their membership be publicized, thereby encouraging others to join us? These were plausible arguments, but happily our friends of the writing profession disagreed with them.
The Foundation* wrote letters to practically every news outlet in North America, setting forth our public relations policy of attraction rather than promotion, and emphasizing personal anonymity as A.A. greatest protection."
Bill ends this chapter with:
"This Tradition is a constant and practical reminder that personal ambition has no place in A.A. In it, each member becomes an active guardian of our Fellowship."
So I ask that we would prayerfully consider is it worth breaking any of our Traditions knowing that we could potentially be harming A.A. as a whole?
"Don't let the good be the enemy of the best."
Yours in the Fellowship,
a sober drunk
Dear Mr. Ebert
Thank you for "outing" yourself. My two gay uncles who live in London have chosen to be sober for over twenty years now and though we have talked about it before, your essay has given me a far deeper understanding of this facet of their lives. Thank you for allowing me to become closer to two people that I love very much.
Sending you love and light and enthusiasm and joy.
Dear Faithful Critic,
Thank you for your piece in today's paper. AA may discourage people from outing themselves, understandably, but I think it is valuable and maybe should happen a little more often. Your column today was perfect, it hit all the right notes.
My youngest son is about to turn 26 and is an alcoholic, as is my brother and as was my father-in-law. At Thanksgiving, it will be three years since my son came out of rehab and became a regular with AA. I was always disdainful of AA for all the reasons you mentioned until I learned about it through him. Another knock on it was its supposedly low success rate. I think that view failed to take into account people who keep coming back until it sticks.
The God thing was always a hang-up for me, again, until I learned. There are different styles of meetings and you look for the ones that work for you. My son has mentioned Mustard Seed among many, many others. Most importantly, however, and to reinforce parts of your story, it is a community, doors always open, no judgment, just acceptance, anywhere in the country or the world.
I never understood drinking, never knew anyone I liked better when they were drinking than when they weren’t. My father (who, along with my mother, drank “normally” or “socially”) always said people drank to feel different. I think there’s some truth to that, but I think “the second drink takes itself” mode takes over after a while. I have also come to believe that human beings in general are addiction-prone, and most of the rest of us are enablers. That’s why drunk driving laws and sentences aren’t tougher. There’s too much of “There but for the grace of God…” in us.
It’s also why I think more people should talk about it. I don’t include it when I introduce myself to people, but I have never hesitated to talk about my son’s problems even before he finally (after seven years) made it into rehab. It’s like illnesses like cancer, it’s too important not to be open about, as you and Mary Mitchell and others have done, if there’s a chance for others to learn and understand.
I have been reading you from very close to the beginning at the Sun-Times and I still tell people, even if you don’t agree with him, you’re missing good writing. You have been so productive these days I have a hard time keeping up.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Faithful Reader
Personally I have nothing against A.A meetings, and wholeheartedly support and understand their methods in helping people overcome their dependence on alcohol. I do, however, think that surely an alcoholic is only cured when they can enjoy a drink again in an everyday situation, and not find the need for another? I am not assuming to understand what one must feel as an alcoholic, but it strikes me that complete "sobriety" isn't a natural way of life, or at least a more difficult one. Alcohol, as an integral element of the Western lifestyle, should be able to be responsibly enjoyed by anyone who chooses to drink. Of course you can choose not to drink at all. But can alcoholics, once "cured", enjoy a drink again without feeling they have "failed" themselves?
As always though a pleasure to read, your essays and reviews always inspire me to rethink my values and opinions and open my mind to new possibilities. Again I hope to cause no offence to anyone who has suffered from alcoholism or attends A.A meetings. I simply don't see enjoying alcohol as a probelmatic part of my life. But then maybe I should take that 12-step quiz.
Ebert: If I were in relapse from lung cancer, why would I want to smoke?
Roger,
God works in mysterious way doesn't He. This link was sent to me by my brother-in-law who has watched my recovery and your story produced tears of joy as I just celebrated 7 years the 11th of August. My best friend gave me "Lost Weekend" 8 years ago in hopes of my getting help and family brought me "Days of Wine and Roses" along with a Big Book and Meeting schedule about the same time. Thank you for making it "OK" to be another alchololic in recovery.
I have a radio show titled "The Meeting" which we use as a 12 step format along with long time celebrities and I hope to follow your lead in helping others...because today YOU HELPED ME!
God Bless You
Hi Roger. I am a Chicagoan now living in Colorado. I appreciate you writing about your experience with the A.A. program.
I recently saw a movie called "I'll Always Be There For You".
Craig Fergueson directed and wrote it as well as acted in this movie. He brings the information about A.A. in it and does a beautiful job of bringing awareness of this wonderful A.A. program.
I am in the Al-Anon program and am grateful to clear up my behaviors that enable people in my live to continue their addictions. The 12-Steps is the most beautiful Spiritual format to assist me in living a healthy and respectful life.
I wish my father were around to read this. He died two years ago and had been sober for about 20 years at that time. He was a journalist and music critic, and spent many hours after deadline in a seedy bar across the street from the newspaper. His drinking cost him two marriages and led him to do many things he wished he hadn't. AA helped him, as it helped you, and he made many enduring friends in the program. He was an instinctive atheist and loved to read anything that reaffirmed his view that organized religion was the root of all evil. Yet he understood that he was in great personal need of a "higher power," so he spent the rest of his life trying to figure out exactly what that meant to him.
Roger
You don't know me but I remember seeing you at the Mustard Seed on Wells in the late 80's and early 90's before you married Chaz. I always thought it was cool that anyone might walk into the Seed at any time and you were the first public personality that I was aware of. I remember you sharing your comments with the group and making me feel at home. I had the same problem with functionality and my understanding had to expand if I were to get it. Unlike you I am more arrogant and had to show you people I could do it my way which of course NEVER works. Today I'm happy to be a part of this humble program. I know I need lots of help to stay sober and lead a better life. When I allow it, I trust the God I know. I ask for help every day and I seem to be on the right path, knowing I just have to live one day at a time. I appreciate your comments here and I'm glad we trudge the same path to our destiny. My best to both of you!
friendlydragon
My name is Stuart and I, too, am an alcoholic.
My first AA meeting was 24 days ago. After 30 years of binge drinking and excuses, I finally accepted that I was powerless over alcohol and needed help to quit and remain sober.
Today, I have many new (and sober) friends, a caring and compassionate sponsor, more money in my pocket and the willpower to live. My AA group hardly fits the description of a cult or fanatics. Our meetings are full of honesty and humility. The fact that we can accept and, if we choose, relate our personal histories of alcohol abuse with each another is refreshing and empowering. Instead of escaping from life's problems through alcohol, I now have the strength to face these challenges and enjoy a new life. Miracles WILL happen when we diligently work the Alcoholics Anonymous program.
Roger, thank you for your encouragement and inspiration. For 30+ years I've enjoyed your reviews. Now I can also count you among my many heroes within the AA fellowship.
Mr. Ebert,
Congratulations on your 30 years of continuous sobriety.
Even though my addictions don't involve alcohol (for me, they come in the form of depression, self-destructive behaviors/thoughts, and eating disorder--oh yeah, my life can't get any more exciting!), I very much appreciated your story. If anything, it made me feel less alone in my own struggles for sanity and serenity. Who was it that said, "the more specific a story[film] is, the more universal, because the more it understands individual characters, the more it applies to everyone"? Oh yeah, it was you (though I'm not sure where you said it--maybe in your review of Brokeback Mountain?)
So thank you for sharing your journey. 11th tradition of anonymity notwithstanding, I think reaching out to people, who for one reason or another have been pushed to the margins of society, like those countless addicts, shows the best the human spirit can offer, and sharing our own life stories and struggles with others lets us do that. It's truly unfortunate that we let the principles get in the way of our humanity way too often.
Roger, I have been sober since Memorial Day, 1975, I did go to the Mustard Seed a few times, there sure were some characters, but I loved how you stated these were the same people we drank with and that is why we related and liked them (sober of course). I have been of the "Chicago" philosophy, if you don't like it here don't come.
Loved your column, God bless you and keep comin'back.
Rubbish.
If you need to quit, you quit. Full stop.
That is it.
Ebert: That works for you?
Reading the comments is almost like attending a Meeting. Mostly the before and after discussions.
I have no doubt that your blog, hopefully, will be as well recognized as Jack Alexander's article way back when.
Thank you for writing your article. A news blurb on TV this morning got me saying "Oh no, another celebrity anonymity break". I was not disturbed by it. In a way it was reminiscent of the Jack Alexander article.
In the town where I lived I was told to make no attempt to remember the day that I got sober: "You can only be sober one day at a time. Whoever woke up earliest today has ben sober the longest".
I have no doubt that without AA, I would be dead. Continuing to practice the principles, I have found the opportunity to apply the steps in other areas of my life Most recently, I discovered that I had another addiction . I have a 31 year chip in AA and a 2 year chip in SA.
Trudging the road to happy destiny.
Roger E,
Thanks for opening yourself up and revealing a very sensitive struggle in you life. I've been a big fan of yours for years, and I feel a kinship with you because of our mutual battle with addiction. You've been through a lot over the years, and you are a person deserving of respect and admiration: a great role model.
Please continue to speak freely, because you a shining beacon in a sometimes dark industry. You are one of the special people in this world that has earned the right to have a little leeway, and consideration when others try to find controversy. I applaud you.
"We need ALWAYS maintain personal anonymity at the level of press..........."
So......Traditions violated. Period.
Too late for correcting it now-what's done is done-
I will say, however, that I'd rather see the Traditions broken in this manner than denying an alcoholic entry to a convention or roundup because it is claimed to be a "SPECIAL EVENT" due to their lack of money-
"We may refuse NO ONE who wish to recover....AND....."We must never compel anyone to believe anything, PAY anything, or conform to anything"----
All you REAL AA's out there-
be careful that the committees representing your area DO NOT override these Traditions......WE REFUSE NONE.......
Over 30 years, 31 in January, I have attended many Traditions meetings, conferences and discussion groups. What usually is agreed about with regard to Tradition 11 is that anonymity is up to the individual. I may never, under any circumstances, break another AA member's anonymity. Our strength is in, what's said in the rooms of AA stays in the rooms of AA.
However, there are situations wherein I might be reaching out to the still-suffering alcoholic with my own experience, strength and hope. Whether this is a blog, a one-on-one, or addressing a group of folks outside a meeting context, it is my own decision whether I keep my sobriety and how I maintain it quiet; likewise, it is my own decision whether to share my story.
You broke your own anonymity, which is your individual decision. You reached out to many folks who may be helped by your story. If not today, maybe one of the tomorrows.
Thank you.
Thanks Roger, you have helped a lot of people. I have been sober since 4-20-1981 it is the best thing that I have ever done in my life I have now been sober as long as I drank 28 years.I think recovery is like being a scuba diver, a diver can go under water for only so long and has to come back to the surface to replenish his life supply his air. Me as an alcoholic can go out on the streets for only so long and I have to go to a meeting to replenish my life supply my sober life style.
Thank you, Roger. I have a bottle (not a glass) of wine in front of me never expecting to read this as I surfed.
I can't promise it's going to be poured down the drain, but I can promise I'm going to Google AA in my city right now just to see when and where.
Thank you.
Ebert: Just go out of curiosity.They're rarely boring.
My friend Jim Balmer the director of Dawn Farm a recovery center in Yipisilanti Michigan sent me this blog via face book. I read the whole thing backwards and found it very cool. I'm glad you are outing your self and I find it neet that you are a member of the club, as it were. I will have 25 years clean and sober on halloween (one day at a time) and my life partner has 23 years. My coment is this, I would love to hear your review of "Leaving Las Vegas" now that I know your story! ha.
thanks, john d. Alpine Tx.
Reply to: AA has no opinion on theology, and wisely does not require belief in God. Your brand of atheism is so adamant it reminds me of fundamentalism.
Adamant? Because I won't admit the possibility that my opponents might be right? Or their position ould be worthy of respect? I'm dealing with con men and dangerous cult behavior. I see nothing wrong with telling people the truth.
And the truth is, the people on the other side use dishonest techniques to lure you into a "belief" that does not make sense.
Ebert: I also do not believe there is not a God. My point is that belief in God is not required by AA.
So, the only dangerous cults are the ones that "require" a belief in the literature they distribute at the open recruitment meetings? Do you really want to make that statement?
I just read this on the blog, and I agree 100%
ANONYMOUS: one cannot say that AA is non-religious.
p52 "Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did."
and more forcefully
p53 "...God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be?" and
p28 "If what we have learned and felt and seen means anything at all, it means that all of us... are the children of a living Creator with whom we may form a relationship... as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try."
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
Ebert: At any meeting, I welcome and applaud whatever Higher Power works for any other member. If they disagree with me on theological matters, that is truly insignificant.
This is close to the attitude that led me into fighting the Christian groups. It DOES matter. You can't let professional liars lie, and not call them on it. Especially if you like them, and consider them your friends.
As I posted earlier, the London Times has a long article by "the mistress of Bernie Madoff." She invested funds from the organization she worked for, and ultimately her own money. Her friendship with Mr. Madoff didn't keep him from cheating her out of her life savings.
Past, Present and Future? AA member: like it or not, AA offers a "utopian" vision based on a Protestant Christian foundation....Soft-pedal AA's "God" all you want, but the "as you understand him" disclaimer is nothing more than
a pretext to get newcomers to stay in the seat long enough to have a conversion experience.
Let me explain what I mean by "professional liars." At a weekly meeting, each recruit is encouraged to tell a story about "a miracle that happened in my life." If you don't contribute, you're not invited back.
Once you've described some event as "a miracle," you're not allowed to back down.
Then, months later, at a recruitment event, each person stands up and describes "the miracle in my life" in front of the crowd. Without the prodding, not one of them would have been considered a miracle. Through deception and "lots of love," their stories become lies. And the campus pastors are professionals at this. They cash a paycheck (not a big one) from a national organization based on their success at recruitment.
Here's another example of a professional liar at work:
http://www.dissentfromdarwin.org/
Lee Strobel has an on-line list of 700 scientists who dissent from Darwinism.
The "recruitment" is just as dishonest. After lying about the evidence, and how many other scientists are on the list, they pressure people into submitting their names. Through the pretext of "Christianity" and "your Saviour Jesus."
Darwin’s theory needs to be questioned, challenged, and examined in order to maintain its scientific integrity and to protect it from becoming dogma."
Dr. Rebecca Keller, Biophysical Chemistry
Here's a better explanation for Lee Strobel:
http://copache.wordpress.com/2008/05/24/lee-strobel-ex-atheist-or-just-ignorant/
Lee Strobel was employed by a megachurch in Willow Creek, Illinois, at the time he says "I was an atheist searching for answers."
I understand why you think you owe AA. I understand that you met a lot of wonderful people and enjoyed good times. But... you don't need to mislead people into thinking it isn't a front for recruiting new members into Christianity.
Professional liars are clever. They put up a few layers and cover stories, so you can't immediately see their agenda. But, after you've fought this battle for a few years, like I have, it's easy to see their strategy. Recruit people who have begun to suffer from their addiction to alcohol, and offer them a substitute addiction instead of a cure.
And put up a sign that says "We believe in a Higher Power, but it might not be God." That's a LIE. I constantly get spam emails using "Dating 101" in the message box, but all they want is my personal information and credit card numbers. Isn't the Hero's quest is to find The True Nature of the Thing, and not just the sales pitch?
Thanks Roger, thats my first name too by the way. Ive been sober since May of 1990 and I really like the way you worded your story! A.A. is there for the people who WANT it. Not the people who NEED it. Better ways to get,stay,and still be happy sober? There might be some. But there is only ONE way Ive been able to stay sober. And that is by being a proud member of A.A. for 19 plus years. I dont think the "Traditon Lawyers" would have much of a case with you about remaining anonymous at the level of press, radio and film. But its great to know that the fathers of A.A. knew all about Political Correctness, even at the start of A.A. Good luck and "keep the plug in the jug!"
Great article, Roger. Even though I have no experience with alcohol and cannot truthfully sympathize with you, I was truly inspired by what you wrote. I admire your courage and your honesty, two of the traits that make you such a successful person. In your reviews, you don't try to sugarcoat things, you say what you feel and do it with extreme confidence and pride. I admire that.
Thanks a lot for your sharing. Hope this 12th Step really reach people. Im yet 5 years sober and willing to follow members like you that got to the 30th year.
AA is so free that it represents unconditional love to me.
For that said, +24h for you and for each anonymous that read this today.
My Dear Roger,
You never cease to grow in my heart and mind as one of the most influential writers of our time.I have read you reviews for years,but even more importantly, I have been reading your 'blog' here for a number of months.This is now a ritual. Of course each topic change is always looked forward to,as we readers never know what trip we are taking with your thoughts and words, one week to the next.
This post is one of my favourites. Why, you ask?
Simply because I came to know AA through my wife's connection there,and I have attended many meetings with her over the past fourteen years.
I have listened to the stories in those rooms,met some of the most honest people I will likely ever meet,and been fortunate enough to develop several very wonderful friendships.
As said "there but for the grace of God go I", I have discovered I have all the 'isms' needed and more, to be an alcoholic,and there was a time thirty years ago,I drank to great excess. But, I recognized I was in imminent danger, and was able to just stop. I knew I had to; as my father died from the disease and I have a brother today who is a functioning alcoholic.
I married a woman who had a problem with prescribed drugs,and the whole scenario became a nightmare,which I need not describe. After a week in detox. fourteen years ago,followed by a thirty day treatment program which was a life saver,she has faithfully attended meetings,and kept her sobriety.
Our now grown children attended many meetings (open) over the years and learned first hand what damage this disease can render to one's body, and one's relationships. One of those offspring is now busy doing her 'research' into drinking.
But, she knows where she has to go to get help when she is ready. In fact she did get a month chip not too long ago. However, she has not yet reached the point to admit she is powerless with her addiction, and continues to drink.
We have seen the program work for many who work the program,and we have faith our wonderful daughter will eventually find her sobriety and retain her life.
Anyways Roger, thank you for your personal story,and I feel you will have helped someone out there.
Cheers,
Gary
Good Sir, I too am a recovered alcoholic. Now everyone spend pages of comments congratulating me and circle-jerking each other. There was no need for this other than to feed your ego and have others latch onto you holiness. Your readers are nothing more than leeches with a massive superiority complex.
Ebert: I don't call myself "recovered." I think "recovering" is more like it.
Thanks Roger,
I'm really glad to know we're everywhere.
To Michael M. who wrote about smokers anonymous it's actually Nicotine Anonymous and it's in your phone book. There are also 12 step programs for gamblers, sex and love addicts, debtors, over eaters, as well as compulsive eaters anonymous around the world. Different diseases, same solution, thank God!
soberdrunk has a valid point in terms of what is written in the "constitution" of AA and tradition 11. while there have been plenty of times when the u.s. constitution was determined to be faulty and in need of amendment, but a violation isn't legal until the rule is changed, at which time it's no longer a violation. duh. regardless, a rule is a rule and should not be violated unless there is absolutely no doubt that the violation has good intention, can show a clear and concise forecast, and cannot possibly fail.
i can easily see the good intention, but not being a member disqualifies me from judging the weight of violating a rule. should be a good debate.
There is far more dissent against the 12 step programs than you paint in your article. It is no surprise that your article reads like a Republican defense blog.
Each of Roger's points have been answered many times over by many participants all over the web. As one of those voices on YouTube I guess I will just have to make it louder and more frequent.
Roger your post is about as silly as Ray Comfort deciding to pick up the Banana argument once again and trying it as a new argument.
I was in your precious AA for the better part of a decade, funny how I understood what Tradition 11 meant with less than a third of the time you boast in the program.
Could it be that you are just a little slow?
Ebert: Are you a little sober?
As a 17-plus year member of AA, I thank you for sharing your personal experience in a well-written and level-headed manner. The inordinate number of selfish, manipulative "recovery" tales in the media cast AA in such a maudlin light, it's no wonder that the general public is so quick to dissect twelve-step programs. I'm glad to finally read a piece that presents AA like its audience actually possesses some intelligence.
One more bit of feedback: the article also presents an excellent opportunity for Chicago-area AAs to think about the Eleventh Tradition. I look forward to the lively commentary I'm sure it will spark at meetings.
Mr.Ebert,
I just want to add my admiration for your 30 years of sobriety and the will-power to maintain it. I am not usually given to reading confessionals, but yours had the quality of good writing and an earnestness that compels one to read on. I hope your other physical challenges are under control and you are doing well. Miss your television reviews.
Hi, Mr. Ebert, I see you have edited your thumbs-down rating for the AA-critical video sites on Youtube. As one of the writers on one of those sites, I want to thank you for the increased traffic we have experienced as a result of your comments. Best regards, Mikeblamedenial.
Ebert: I haven't change a word of my entry.
I just googled your site to read your recent movie reviews, this was the first time I had ever googled your site. Then, I read your blog about your 30 years of sobriety. Thank you for your wonderful story. I believe that giving up your anonymity was something that you did to be true to yourself and to throw out a lifeline to others who are struggling with the devasting insideous disease of alcoholism. I am an alcoholic and I will be a grateful alcoholic on August 31, 2009 because I will be celebrating 26 years of not drinking alcohol and not wanting to drink alcohol. I have 26 years of wonderful sobriety and the freedom from not always thinking about drinking, not drinking as soon as I get home from work, drinking more on the weekends because I didn't have to go to work, only going to restaurants that served liquor and on and on. The addiction was a prison, I drank to feel good and feel happy, but the more I drank, the more depressed I felt, which cycled into more drinking to feel good.
In the past, I had tried on my own to stop drinking and I did stop one time for almost a year, it was a white knuckle year. Then, I reasoned that I could just drink sensibly like other people, but I just went right back to drinking until I was drunk. My bottom came on August 31, 1983, the Los Angeles area was in the grip of a stiffling heatwave. My husband was working the swing shift 3-11PM. I decided to take my 14 year old daughter, my son and his wife and their 3 month old baby boy to the beach. It also happened that there were warnings about the extremely high tides and flooding at the beach that night. I ignored the warnings and we packed up the car with the kids the baby stuff and also plenty of alcohol, those little premixed drinks, so convenient, I think they were called brass monkeys. We were sitting there on the beach drinking and having having great fun. The waves were crashing in and putting on a show, when all of a sudden a big wave came rushing in towards us. I will be forever grateful to God that there was no tragedy. I grabbed the playpen on one side and my son grabbed the other side with the baby in it and we ran as fast as we could up to higher ground. The worst thing that happened was that I lost my shoes. We were laughing and thought it was so funny. There was a big traffic jam with all the people leaving the beach that night, because many of the streets were flooded. The next morning it hit me like a ton of bricks, I had put my children and my first grandchild at risk with my stupid drinking. I was drinking and driving and went to the beach after warnings about flooding and the high tide, my reasoning and judgement had been muddled by the booze. That afternoon, after my husband went to work, I looked up AA in the phonebook and I called. They found a meeting for me in Norwalk that hot evening of September 1, 1983 and I went to my first AA meeting. I sat in the back of the room and I listened to the stories of the other alcoholics and I felt hope, that if they could quit drinking, so could I. I bought "The Big Book" and I picked up a lot of literature. I was ashamed of myself for my weakness and I didn't know what to say to my husband, how to tell him that I went to a meeting for alcoholics, so I left the literature on the kitchen table with a note that said "this is where I went tonight." I am so blessed to have a loving and supportive husband and we have been married for 46 years. I still think about the stupid night of taking my precious family to the beach and about my poor judgement; the memory is painful and I cry, but it is necessary to remember past mistakes so they will not be repeated. Roger, I have not been to an AA meeting in many many years, but, after reading your personal story, I want to go to a meeting to celebrate my 26 years of sobriety and to reconnect with my lifeline. AA and the alcoholics who attend and tell their stories were my salvation and I am here to testify that AA saved my life.
Fascinating article, Roger. I can't say that I can truly sympathize with you because I have no experience with alcohol, but I can say that I was truly inspired by what you wrote. I admire your courage and your honesty, two of the things that have made your reviews so great to read, and both qualities are prevalent in this article. Thank you for the pleasure of reading this.
Thank you, Roger. With one year of sobriety, and working in the entrainment industry, I am deeply moved by your share here. Thank you because you have helped another alcoholic today.
Thanks for sharing. I hit a low bottom on December 29, 1992 when a detective politely asked me to come to the police station "to answer a few questions" of which one was "Do you think you have a drinking problem?" I did not hesitate to say "yes".
I did 33 days in a work release program for a misdemeanor and I thought a lot, went to thousands of meetings since, and never came close to ever taking another drink.
Chronic hip pain prevents me from sitting in folding chairs anymore but I go occasionally anyway and I maintain daily contact with online friends in the program.
The highlight of my recovery was the 2000 International Convention of AA in Minneapolis...I'll never forget it.
IN early June I celebrated six thousand days of continuous sobriety and today is my 32nd wedding anniversary, which never would have happened without AA.
Thanks, Mr. Ebert.
Thank you for writing an article about AA. If Jack Alexander hadn't written about AA in the Saturday Evening Post in 1941, it might never have grown.
Millions that have recovered from alcoholism have given credit to God, the AA 12 steps and the fellowship of the program.
I am sober today because of AA. I am alive today because of AA.
You told in a very general way, your experience, strength and hope. I believe that same article could have been written and published as an "anonymous member of the press".
Congratulations on 30 years of sobriety, one day at a time.
Dear Readers:
I have now posted more than 650 comments, and more than 100 of them have been regarding the 11th tradition.
I believe the point has been made.
I will not post any more, unless they are of special interest, because I feel they act as an impediment for a drinking alcoholic who might find this entry and benefit more from posts on the general subjects of alcoholism and the program.
We share our experience, strength and hope.
Roger
Roger, thanks for "outing" yourself and putting a "face" with this disease. If even one person seeks a meeting b/c of your post, how can going public with your personal story be wrong? It's so easy to be critical when one doesn't have criticize face-to-face, it seems. Easy to denounce YOU for breaking a tradition while the critic breaks another. The bottom line - it's YOUR story and I applaud you for sharing and reaching a milestone that others can look to achieve, if they too are sick and tired of being sick and tired.
First off, I may be one of the few posting who is not an alcoholic and never been to a meeting (I say this not to boast, but to explain the naivete of my question coming up). Just from reading all of the posts, I find it hard to see how Roger's post has hurt more people that it has helped. What could have hurt, the "G" word discussion? Or that possibly people who don't like Roger Ebert as a reviewer (or his political leanings or his hair color or whatever reason they don't like him), will now not attend AA if they need it just because he has used it to success to this point? Really?
I guess I'm saying, I know the group isn't for me personally, but I fail to see the overall harm in Roger's post (if only for the people who were asking how to find meetings, people inspired to go to one for the first time in years, etc.)
As a gay man only recently coming to terms with his sexual orientation at the age of 43 and sharing his experience with his loved ones, I can really appreciate your use of the phrase "coming out." Suddenly, everything becomes bathed in resplendent, near-blinding light when you emerge from the darkness and start being honest with yourself and others.
Similar to your 30th AA birthday, it's been nearly 30 years since I realized that I felt out of place for reasons I couldn't explain. Now, three decades later, revealing our secrets, airing our dirty laundry gleefully isn't about narcissistic evangelism, grandstanding, or bludgeoning people over the head with social awareness. It's about embracing the long-term healing benefits of vulnerability, altruism, and devotion to others.
Of course, although homosexuality and alcoholism are inherently disparate states of being (can a disease be a state of being?), I'd contend that many drunks and gays do often share the same set of emotional baggage: shame, secrecy, self-loathing, denial, loneliness, despair, to mention a few. Going public can demolish these debilitating states of mind.
Telling your story has an amazing two-fold result. The very act of saying "This is who I am" heals the storyteller each and every time the words are expressed, while the words themselves can move the listener's in a different direction instantly, as has been evidenced here by many of the responses.
Why are people judging you for going public? It was a decision you clearly explained, one you didn't make lightly or for selfish reasons. In fact, from a strictly practical standpoint, you can 12th-step more people with a widely read, nationally recognized blog entry than you could walking down Michigan Avenue, stopping folks one at a time, though I'd bet you'd get quite the following, Pied Piper-like.
Thank you Roger, for being such a wise, generous soul.
Ebert: Thanks for your heartfelt post.
This may be a helpful time to point out that there are meetings of and for gay people, although of course all are welcome at every meeting.
As a gay man only recently coming to terms with his sexual orientation at the age of 43 and sharing his experience with his loved ones, I can really appreciate your use of the phrase "coming out." Suddenly, everything becomes bathed in resplendent, near-blinding light when you emerge from the darkness and start being honest with yourself and others.
Similar to your 30th AA birthday, it's been nearly 30 years since I realized that I felt out of place for reasons I couldn't explain. Now, three decades later, revealing our secrets, airing our dirty laundry gleefully isn't about narcissistic evangelism, grandstanding, or bludgeoning people over the head with social awareness. It's about embracing the long-term healing benefits of vulnerability, altruism, and devotion to others.
Of course, although homosexuality and alcoholism are inherently disparate states of being (can a disease be a state of being?), I'd contend that many drunks and gays do often share the same set of emotional baggage: shame, secrecy, self-loathing, denial, loneliness, despair, to mention a few. Going public can demolish these debilitating states of mind.
Telling your story has an amazing two-fold result. The very act of saying "This is who I am" heals the storyteller each and every time the words are expressed, while the words themselves can move the listener's heart in a different direction instantly, as has been evidenced here by many of the responses.
Why are people judging you for going public? It was a decision you clearly explained, one you didn't make lightly or for selfish reasons. In fact, from a strictly practical standpoint, you can 12th-step more people with a widely read, nationally recognized blog entry than you could walking down Michigan Avenue, stopping folks one at a time, though I'd bet you'd get quite the following, Pied Piper-like.
Thank you Roger, for being such a wise, generous soul.
Congratulations on your 30 years of sobriety!! I celebrated 15 years this May. This is a great post, Roger---an example of "attraction, not promotion".
Some of the comments here have taken you to task over our tradition of anonymity. My own 2-cents' worth is that this is a Blog, which makes it a more personal venue than if this ran in your column space.
Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Hi, Roger!
You have done a very brave thing by sharing your experience, strength & hope. Thank you. The only way to reduce the stigma that we alcoholics face is for more people in a position such as yours to come forward.
My understanding of the 11th Tradition is that group members ought to maintain anonymity at the press level when speaking on behalf of AA. As in, this is Mr. Anonymous here to explain how it works. The reason for anonymity at the press level is to ensure that no one uses AA as a stepping stone to build a name for themselves. But you've already built a name for yourself, and you certainly didn't purport to speak on behalf of AA as a whole so I don't think you've broken the Tradition at all.
Quite the contrary, I think you've performed some very important 12th step work. You are a wonderful example of what the program can do for a person. Others will want what you have. I remember when Kristin Davis outed herself a few years ago; I was really struggling with my sobriety at the time and that was something I really needed to hear. I'm very grateful to her.
I read at least a dozen comments from individuals crediting you with helping them on the path to sobriety. The courage you've shown by posting this essay may very well have saved someone's life, Roger. And I am reminded of the end of Schindler's List, when Oskar is presented with the ring inscribed with a passage from the Talmud, "whoever saves one life, saves the world entire."
Nothing takes precedence over carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Nothing. My favorite colloquialism of ours is, Pass It On!
Thank you.
Sara G., grateful recovering alcoholic
I have been fortunate thus far in not having a substance abuse problem, however I have a sibling who was not so lucky. One of the things I noticed in both your and her experience is that sense of belonging that seems to come as a part of the healing process. She has developed friendships that frankly leave me envious.
Her friends are all of the Biker stereotype and have continued to look the part now that they are sober. During my sisters wedding last year my 89 year old grandmother asked for a ride. As a group they worked out how to get her and her oxygen tank on a bike and took her for a ride. I am hard pressed to say who was more excited my grandmother or the gentleman who gave her a ride.
My grandmother passed away this summer and her new found friends gave her an honor parade of six bikes from the funeral home to her wake (which was held in her back yard) they carried her coffin from the hearse the place where she was viewed and then waited the entire wake to transport her back to the funeral home and showed up at her funeral because they didn't think it was right for her to travel alone.
One would not expect it of these people to look at them. And I for one am grateful my sister has found such a support group through AA.
Ebert: This story doesn't surprise me in the least. Who ever you are, there are groups for you. Bikers, pilots, clergy, doctors, police officers, lawyers, judges, teenagers, you name it.
Thank you Mr. Ebert.
And it's rule #62.................
Roger, I have been an addiction/alcoholism counselor for a long time, and today it is my great honor to train a new generation of counselors. There were/are lots of great counselors at Grant, and other treatment programs in Illinois, who are ready to hold the hand out to sick and suffering alcoholics. Thanks for having the courage to share your story with us, yours is a story hope. We hear stories all the time about the devastating effects of alcoholism, but too often the joy and miracle of recovery goes told. At the Mustard Seed and 10,000 other meetings tonight people are living a life of sobriety one day at a time—Thanks for sharing yours!
What I love about this story is the banality (if you'll excuse me that word) of that day in August 1979. No dramatic event, no horrible embarrassment, no degrading rock bottom moment. Life can turn on quiet, lonely, unassuming moments. This is an important lesson.
And to throw another good title for readers out there: A Drinking Life by Pete Hammill.
Roger, I have been an addiction/alcoholism counselor for a long time, and today it is my great honor to train a new generation of counselors. There were/are lots of great counselors at Grant, and other treatment programs in Illinois, who are ready to hold the hand out to sick and suffering alcoholics. Thanks for having the courage to share your story with us, yours is a story hope. We hear stories all the time about the devastating effects of alcoholism, but too often the joy and miracle of recovery goes told. At the Mustard Seed and 10,000 other meetings tonight people are living a life of sobriety one day at a time—Thanks for sharing yours!
http://www.isteve.com/2001_Forces_of_Habit_book_review.htm
"Alcoholics Anonymous' co-founders, Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith, "both smoked heavily and died of cigarette-related illnesses." (Today, AA chapters searching for meeting places are bedeviled by the new prohibitions on indoor smoking. Reformed alcoholics often want to smoke to relieve the tension of staying on the wagon.)"
Ebert: Of course there are a whole lot of non-smoking meetings.
Roger: I have been a grateful member of Alanon for over 20 years. Thanks for your beautiful story told so well.
Dear Roger,
"There is nothing you can put on an excuse/reason to make it taste good." It would have been nice if you had started the blog with the part of the Preamble that says "the opinions expressed here are those of the individual only and do not necessarily reflect the views/opinons of AA."
You have, for whatever reason, brought AA into public controversy by choosing to defend or reply to the comments sent your way. You and many others with long term sobriety have a minimal understanding of Alcoholism and AA itself. Reading the comments and your replies provides ample evidence of this. To quote Tradition 10..."hence the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy."
Carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers is best described in The Doctor's Opinion, and Bill's Story. You have the right to ignore AA's Traditions and singleness of purpose, but your attempt to justify that action belies your motives. It reminds me of the story of the fellow who asked his neighbor to lend him his axe. The neighbor replied that he would be happy to lend him an axe but he needed to make chicken soup. When the fellow asked him what borrowing an axe had to do with making chicken soup, the neighbor replied...Nothing, if I don't want to lend you my axe, one excuse is as good as another.
In spite of what you believe to be good and honorable intentions, the outcomee for the alcoholic who still stuffers may be less than desirable. The careful consideration you gave to this undertaking did not, like many of our actions public and private, take into consideration the possible unintended consequences of your violation of several of the traditions.
I take no credit for my recovery....God has relieved me of the obsession to drink and God keeps me sober based on the maintenance of a spiritual condition. As a recovered alcoholic, my resposibility is " to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety."
John Minton
I really enjoyed your article- What really scares me is that I have been going to AA for 19 years- but keep relapsing- over and over and over- I really fear I am one of those who is constitutionally incable of being honest- but I know that once I pit even a little alcohol in my system- I become Frederic March as Mr Hyde and lose rational though- I am just so scared that I wont "get it" in time- I am 42 now- Masters in Ed- can tell you every chartacter actor in old movies- Mischa Auer and Frank Jenks are my favorites- but I cant seem to stay stopped- I feel a great emptyness inside that needs to be filled- not by Arthur Lake movies or Wilkie Collins novels- but by - I dont know- I have had so many great sponsors- but can someone who has relapsed for 20 years- gone to 1000 plus meetings finally get it?
Ebert: Yes. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. A cliche, but a true one.
Luling:
Rubbish.
If you need to quit, you quit. Full stop.
That is it.
Ebert: That works for you?
Yes, he's done it a thousand times.
Ebert: :).
Hey Roger:
Great Story we would have loved to have read in "Here's How" (Chicago Area AA Newsletter) rather than the Sun-Times. I know you have decided to stop printing the 11th tradition complaints, I'm sure you received a lot. People including you and me love AA because of the life it's given us. I heard a speaker one time talk about a bus driver who talked about her experience with AA members at the International convention in San Diego in 1995 and she said "They seemed to have been set free".
I don't believe that you had any bad intentions when writing your story, I'm sure it was purly out of love. Sometimes the best intentions give us the worst results. No filmmaker ever set out to make a bad movie they just did.
The idea that the tradition is there because you may drink again is really not the only reason for that tradition. In the over 500 comments so far I have seen 2 other people "outed" as members, one is deceased, and the is still alive. You see, you breaking your anonymity has cause people to out other celebrities without there consent. I am sure this is not intentional, this was not your intention when you wrote this piece. The other part it does is that AA members have argued over steps and traditions for years in AA, that is "IN" AA, your comment section now puts arguments about AA in a public domain, kind like if you published your own 4th step. I am sure this wasn't your intention when you wrote this article.
The other unintended part was you have been writing these past two weeks about healthcare reform, now that you've come out as an AA member some people (and I don't agree with them for doing this)will say it must be AA's view about healthcare. It could easily happen just watch FoxNews.
I am positive you are a good man, and love AA, and I think if you pause a moment and think about it you will have to admit you never intended for this to happen you just wanted to help someone. Whats done is done it can't be undone, we just hope we can all look back and use this as a lesson to help someone else out.
I would love to see you at the All Chicago Open, and would love to hear further from you in "Here's How". If you need any information you can contact your local office and they would be glad to hear from you, they have a wonderful staff.
Thank You for your time.
Yours in service
Anonymous one
Ebert: I read all comments and didn't notice anyone outed. If so, I apologize.
Please name them in a comment which I will see but not publish.
You write, "your comment section now puts arguments about AA in a public domain." In all sincerity, I believe comments would be more useful if they were not about the 11th tradition, which is of little relevance to an alcoholic who is still drinking. But I will continue to publish them.
I never have, and never will, break anyone's anonymity.
Fascinating article, Roger. I can't say I can truly sympathize with you, because I have no experience with alcohol, but I can say that I was incredibly inspired by what you wrote. Your honesty and courage are what make your reviews so good, and those traits are most prevalent in this article. Thank you for the pleasure of reading this.
Roger:
I like many others who have responded to your story have been moved and given hope that others seem to have an abundance of. Those individuals always seem to have the most negative comments about a horrifying, uniquely personal struggle that no one can fully understands. As a 46 year alcoholic who has struggle for the last 15 out of 16 years with alcohol abuse, I finally checked myself into rehab and for 16 glorious, terrifying months I was dry but not sober. I lost sight of that one small fact and yes, I am one of "those" who not only hit rock bottom but kept on digging. I took a drink again on July 5th of this year needless to say I finally came out of my one and only drink on July 26th only to realize that you can lose everything again in a blink of a drink. So, thank you for giving me some hope and giving me some focus on what is truly important with AA. For now I am alive and kicking, perhaps my anger at many of the self righteous comments above regarding what you should or should not have done really aren't important in the grand scheme of things. I am not reaching for a drink and that for now is the best I can do for me.
Once again, I'm not an alcoholic. I really want to make it clear, though, that were I an alcoholic it would be Roger's story that would have a chance at motivating me to try to change. All these gripes about the 11th Tradition, all these references to the "12 & 12", all the "according to Bill W" and "Bill W said"...well, I agree with what another poster said. It seems like a pretty dogmatic view of things and does nothing to dispel any belief of AA as being cult-like.
Example: Anna at 10:53 this morning -- "Long term sobriety does not grant special power to deviate from the traditions without consequence. Your anonymity break threatens AA unity..."
"Without consequence"? Is this a self-help group or the mob? Are some 11th Tradition fundamentalists going to break into his house and shove their AA coins under his fingernails to teach him a lesson? What consequences is Roger going to face other than reading the comments from a few people who got their panties in bunches?
And his anonymity break threatens AA unity only as far as these "11th Traditionalists" delve into histrionics in response. He's defending AA and telling his own story. He's not saying, "One person I remember from AA is Linda Jackson. She was a whore. I'm not being mean; she'd do anything for a bottle of Jim Beam. She's married and has three kids now. Her last name's Thompson. She married a dentist and they live in Montpelier."
My point is that the only anonymity Roger broke was his own. That was his right. This condemnation some spewing seems misguided.
One other thing for which I have to thank AA...
After attending my first meeting and reading the Big Book, I realized that, for the first time in my adult life, I was being forced to think about HOW I lived my life. Not what I wanted to do nor how I wanted to attain that goal, but just how to live. It's easy to skip from want to want without ever coming across that question.
With all the attacks on AA as a secret Christian fifth-column (and I should add, I have never, ever been approached and talked to about converting to any religion), it's interesting that AA has given me a secular version of what religion is supposed to encourage: an examined life.
I would have loved to hear your story in a meeting. Congratulations on your years of sobriety. But I really, really wish you hadn't broken your anonymity. Every single one of us without exception is vulnerable to relapse. I know someone who relapsed after 25 years of solid sobriety. He was out there drinking for 5 years and then killed himself. I am a bit of a local public figure and was asked to speak at a meeting on the 11th Tradition. Its intent is to protect the society if God forbid the person breaking his anonymity were to relapse. Not only that, but others may have a strong negative opinion about the person breaking his anonymity... and may be put off of AA. I don't think you are the exception to the rule, Roger. I felt the same way about Caroline Knapp's book. The Traditions are there for a reason... Happy anniversary though.
Dear Mr. Ebert -
Thank you so much for your experience, strength and hope. As our culture understands more about alcoholism, I believe that the 12th Tradition is perhaps ready to be observed on a more individual basis. Although none of us must "out" another, celebrities who choose to come forward about their disease can help those who look on them as idols, or for inspiration.
For years Eric Clapton and other rockers sang of the glories of the drug and alcohol scene, and young fans bought in. Surely his eventual sobriety also had an effect on those who followed his example. Stevie Ray Vaughan, Governor Ann Richardson and many others in the public eye have been vocal and valuable members of AA. You are in good company to have joined their ranks. Bless you!
Thanks for sharing your milestone with the rest of us. Hearing that people have maintained significant time keeps me coming to meetings and staying sober. Thanks.
I TASTE A LIQUID NEVER BREWED
by Emily Dickinson
I taste a liquor never brewed –
From Tankards scooped in Pearl –
Not all the Frankfort Berries
Yield such an Alcohol!
Inebriate of air – am I –
And Debauchee of Dew –
Reeling – thro' endless summer days –
From inns of molten Blue –
When "Landlords" turn the drunken Bee
Out of the Foxglove's door –
When Butterflies – renounce their "drams" –
I shall but drink the more!
Till Seraphs swing their snowy Hats –
And Saints – to windows run –
To see the Tippler
Leaning against the – Sun!
Mr. Ebert,
Thanks for outing yourself as a "Friend of Bill". I'm approaching six months of sobriety, the first 28 days in a fabulous rehab where I found my way into the rooms of AA. During this time I have found a sponsor who makes the program so simple that even I can't complicate it. I've made friends with people from every walk of life that not only help me stay sober but, also help me deal with the "ism" part of this disease. I have seen the promises come true in all of our lives. I have also seen the tragedy of those who can't or won't get the program. Two weeks ago I attended the funeral of a man who went through rehab with me. He would have been 55 years old on September 1st.
For all of the critics of AA all I can say is that I'm alive and sober today and I don't need to know more.
Thank you again. You've given hope to this alcoholic.
Steve G.
Greensboro, NC
By Dexter Johnson on August 26, 2009 8:32 PM
there's one with a name - FYI
Great stuff. Thanks. I needed a meeting, and this will tide me over until tomorrow.
George
DOS 7/12/04
You do write beautifully, and it is always amazing how people assume they know, or rather have formed an opinion of a person or persona, often forgetting that real issues affect real people, no matter their celebrity status or what is presented to casual observers.
Roger,
I pondered the Tradition 11 question as I read your brilliant essay. The fact that you are pretty much medically unable to relapse sways me toward accepting your breaking of the tradition, in light of the potential number of people who might be encouraged to come into a meeting because you spoke out. Any AA would have a basic problem with the breaking of a tradition - they are there to ensure those yet unborn get a chance to experience the miracle of that we have been blessed with - and I know you weighed this carefully before publishing. So - thank you.
What an interesting scenario-take note those with harsh criticisms for Roger. He has properly detailed his inability to drink and thus a rare opportunity to share his story with an audience.
If something as clever as this does not appeal to your mischievous alcoholic personality, then what will?
I believe in God and have found he manifests his will in strange ways, including introducing himself to you through conversations and expressions of love found by members of AA gathered in a church basement. I have also found there are no such things as coincidence.
How many times have you been in an airport, ballgame or movie theater and recognized a face from an AA, which promptly lightens your mood and connects you. If you are in AA, did you not stumble onto this blog, take a read and feel better?
Is there even the slightest chance that the illness Roger has suffered can be used to help an active alcoholic? Think back to when you got to your first meeting-if you could say more in your mind than "help, please" than you were doing pretty well for a newcomer. Think again what a relief it would have been to have read an article from someone like Roger about AA. Statistics and the science of recovery hold little value for the alcoholic. They crave the good stuff, the magic of sifting through the garbage of life with double vision, hot flashes and nicotine stained fingers reaching out to finally connect with God only to find themselves waking up on the floor.
When I read something like this or find myself in a situation where I am reminded of a moment or person in AA, I get better sense of myself. I think I have a better sense of what thirty years of sobriety looks like too-it has that God stuff written all over it.
Hi Roger,
I have greatly enjoyed your reviews and writing over the past 15 years or so. I have not always agreed with your reviews of films, or your personal views, but I've been entertained and challenged by your viewpoints, knowledge, and observations. I'd like to express my thanks to you for that.
This blog post moved me, and I would like to thank you for having the courage to post it.
Earlier this year, I realized that I had been using alcohol as a way to cope with life. I went online to the AA site, and found a clubhouse a few blocks down the road. Not knowing what to expect, I was nervous, but figured I'd give it a try and see what it was all about.
I got a sponser and I was sober for 90 days. Being taught practical steps on how to not only cope, but thrive with life on life's terms without numbing myself with alcohol, food, sex, tv, or anything of the things we can use to withdraw from the world was a godsend for me. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm okay with life.
I am no fan of religion, and I quickly realized that AA is a religion, as the zealous postings of AA members here have shown. I am eternally grateful to my sponser and some of the other people I met there for "teaching me how to fish" so to speak. I can also do without the internal politics, and "holier than thou" aspects of this religious sect.
Having said that, I would still recommend the program of AA to anyone who thinks they may have a problem with alcohol. I am not into the zealous lifer attitude of some in the program, it just wasn't for me.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone at Roger.
Thanks again.
To respond to the commenter above who asked if there's every such a thing as 'healthy drinking':
Of course there is! Roughly 5-20% of people are considered to have 'addictive personalities' which means they are highly susceptable to becoming addicted to something that would not normally be addictive to other people. Alcohol, sex, gambling, marijuana are a few common examples. Of course some things, like nicotine and heroin, are naturally extremely addictive and will cause most people, even non-addictive personalities, to become addicted to them. But for the great majority of people, at least 80%, alcohol is not highly addictive and dangerous and people can enjoy alcohol safely, in moderation. And they not only CAN, but SHOULD. I read an interesting study which concluded that moderate alcohol drinkers are generally healthier (especially drinkers of red wine, but any kind of alcohol can lower blood pressure and stress in moderation), happier (generally have more friends), and even wealthier (better business relationships and more contacts).
I used to be strongly against alcohol consumption of any kind because of stupid friends of mine binge drinking, getting into accidents, etc, in high school, but as I've matured I've come to realise that alcohol is a normal and even healthy part of adult life, and most people are not susceptable to becoming highly addicted to it and destroying themselves with it. Of course those that are are well advised to stay away from alcohol, and those with alcoholism in their family should be careful as it does seem to have some inheritable component. But, sadly, most people with addictive personalities will sooner or later become addicted to something. If it's not alcohol, it likely will be something else. The best thing people with addictive personalities can do is make it something positive; like an AA support group, like watching films, like helping people.
Like many others, I found this post very inspirational. It is surprising the volume of response it has created. Many of your more "hot button" posts have gotten a lesser response. You blog may reveal the true pulse of the people.
My mother started her recovery when I was 13, that was 12 years ago, and is still on the right path today. I am not sure if it was the program that has helped her be successful, but I am grateful for the programs existence. In the family meetings, I saw a lot of people in need. The program offered an accessible way to find others who understood and I think therein may lie its strength!
Cheers to you and your accomplishments.
By the vast number of comments it is evident you have struck a very meaningful nerve with your brave essay. I have just over a decade of sobriety in the books myself (I went 5 years once before). But in a strange twist (I think?) I never hit "a bottom" because nothing and I mean nothing, was ever "bottom enough" for me. What got me to stop? I woke up one morning feeling.....good. I knew where I was, what I had done the night before, whom I interacted with and knew I owed no apologies to anyone for any offense, because I had not drank. It was there and then I said to myself: This is the way to live. It has been ever since. Thank you Roger. (Oh, and even during all my years of drink I still never missed an episode of S&E or a column).
I have been fortunate thus far in not having a substance abuse problem, however I have a sibling who was not so lucky. One of the things I noticed in both your and her experience is that sense of belonging that seems to come as a part of the healing process. She has developed friendships that frankly leave me envious.
Her friends are all of the Biker stereotype and have continued to look the part now that they are sober. During my sisters wedding last year my 89 year old grandmother asked for a ride. As a group they worked out how to get her and her oxygen tank on a bike and took her for a ride. I am hard pressed to say who was more excited my grandmother or the gentleman who gave her a ride.
My grandmother passed away this summer and her new found friends gave her an honor parade of six bikes from the funeral home to her wake (which was held in her back yard) they carried her coffin from the hearse the place where she was viewed and then waited the entire wake to transport her back to the funeral home and showed up at her funeral because they didn't think it was right for her to travel alone.
One would not expect it of these people to look at them. And I for one am grateful my sister has found such a support group through AA.
My second go round in AA, which has worked out a lot better for me, I stopped worrying so much about definitions. All I decided was that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. So, for purposes of AA, I am an alcoholic. I have a desire to stop drinking, so I have every bit as much right to be in a room as anyone. I may not follow someone else's preferred method of sobriety, but I work on understanding my values, righting the times I've been outside my set of values, and letting people know that there is someone whose experiences have preserved the Grace to live without drinking. As far as explaining what I believe, well, I try to leave it at describing what happened to me.
Roger, if you want to talk about your recovery, go ahead. I assume you considered if this piece was intended to aggrandize yourself and your spiritual path, or if that could be an unintended consequence.
Roger,
Got a call from a friend tonight. I have been talking to him recently about going to AA meetings. I have been sober 7 years and am a grateful member of AA. He said all this bickering on this site has him thinking twice, again, about going to meetings.
I will pray for him, and you, tonight.
Steve L
Ebert: He shouldn't get the idea that meetings are devoted to debating the AA traditions. I have indeed violated the 11th tradition, and I take the messages about that seriously, and understand them. I am disappointed however that part of this thread has been side tracked by the subject.
My purpose was to try to introduce the program to those who might need it, and those are the last people who care about such details. I am grateful for the many positive responses, the sharing, and the honesty. On the whole, this has been a wonderful experience.
By the vast number of comments it is evident you have struck a very meaningful nerve with your brave essay. I have just over a decade of sobriety in the books myself (I went 5 years once before). But in a strange twist (I think?) I never hit "a bottom" because nothing and I mean nothing, was ever "bottom enough" for me. What got me to stop? I woke up one morning feeling.....good. I knew where I was, what I had done the night before, whom I interacted with and knew I owed no apologies to anyone for any offense, because I had not drank. It was there and then I said to myself: This is the way to live. It has been ever since. Thank you Roger. (Oh, and even during all my years of drink I still never missed an episode of S&E or a column).
Dear Roger
I have been a fan for decades, including reading some of the wonderful essays you wrote in your comic book fan days. I did not know this about you and my respect for you has grown.
I lost my grandfather on my mother's side to alcohol (although when his doctor told him to quit, he stopped cold turkey and never drank again). If I told you the number of beers he drank a day, people would fall over. He worked for O'Keefe Brewery (later Carlings / Labatt's) in Toronto and he got his beer free. You could even drink on your lunch break in those days. Imagine! My mother has said they never went without, nor did he ever cause problems - beer was his drink of choice. To this day, some 35 years later, I cannot remember him without a beer in his hand.
To see someone die of liver cancer is horrible. You rot from the inside out. It was painful for him, painful for us, horrible to witness. Yet my mother's family still drink too much - my Aunt did, as well as smoked and she's been gone for over 5 years. Her son - my cousin - is 50 and such a severe alcoholic, his family put him in an institution to protect him. He is better now, but I don't think he will ever stop drinking. Ever. He's lost everything, a loving wife and son, a great job and a lovely home because of the bottle.
My own mother drinks too much at times and she gets nasty. I am a very moderate drinker, because the FEW times I've overindulged, I see that same mean streak emerge. I care too much about myself and my friends to submit to that.
I believe that one finds whatever works for them and you STAY with it. I applaud you for taking a stand and thank you for a truly fascinating read.
Have you read Infinite Jest? If not, I sincerely hope you do. It understands AA as you do:
There I met people from every walk of life, and we all talked easily with one another because we were all there for the same reason, and that cut through the bullshit.
Its real empathy, right? I'm not in AA, is why I ask. And the pathetic celebrities can tell the tale as well.
Ebert: He's from my old home town. I have it right here. Started it once, am starting again.
Reply to Bill Hays on August 26, 2009 7:22 PM: And put up a sign that says "We believe in a Higher Power, but it might not be God." That's a LIE.
All interpersonal relationships are entirely fiction (LIES, as you say.) Science can verify the existence of everything from quarks to interstellar gravity fields, but cannot say anything about interpersonal relationships. Relationships exist only as stories that we create from the structure provided by our memories. My story might include my mom, a personification of my pet dog, an imaginary friend named Harry... or, for some, a personification of the mind's desire for ever-deeper beauty, aka "God".
All interpersonal relationships are LIES in the scientific sense. Science can define people's life goals in terms of biological evolution--hunger, survival, and sex. But then science reaches a limit. The human mind can create "arbitrarily extensible" concepts (pg. 83 in the link)--our art, society, and relationships can be as complex as we please. A relationship between two people is the basic social unit--the smallest possible arbitrarily extensible concept.
Science operates by generalizing fundamental laws. It operates by "finding similarities in things that are apparently different" while the humanities/literature finds "differences among things that are apparently similar" (pg. 44). The stories people create to define their lives and relationships are simply too varied and complex (too arbitrarily extensible) for any "fundamental laws" to be discovered about them. (As Mr. Ebert has pointed out, a film cannot be reduced to a single number)
If people want Harry Potter to play a role in the story they create for their life, I say "great." If they want to include God, fine, although I agree blind faith should be guarded against. (Why do so many Protestants still insist on the infallibility of the Bible? Isn't that just a 400-year-old marketing ploy to answer Catholicism's infallibility of the Pope? Shouldn't they be over that by now?)
Thank you for sharing this. I don't know much about AA, but had heard occasionally that it is 'culty' or pushes God too much. I had indeed not heard the 'as we understand God' aspect. While that term for an external foundation could perhaps be improved, it seems it is nowhere near as overtly and aggressively religious as some people would have you believe. I also did not know there was no central organization and no dues. It seems to be a much more respectable and noble organization than I had previously thought from the comments of its detractors. Because I and many others recognize you as a thoughtful person, your testament to its intentions and effectiveness goes a long way in vouching for the character of the organization.
It must be alcohol-free week, Roger! First you wrote an exceptional Great Movies piece on Ray's "In A Lonely Place", with Bogie as the drunken Dixon Steele. Then you post this blog. Finally, a CBS special earlier this evening dedicated to Ted Kennedy made a special note about him quitting drinking for good in the early 1990's. Next thing you know we'll be having dry Superbowls!
Congratulations on 30 years Roger. I've got two years in the program after years of trying to stop on my own and I don't hesitate to say that AA has saved my life. By the way, I have a Ph.D from an Ivy League university in philosophy and teach courses in philosophy of religion. I do not believe in god in any traditional sense, and this has IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER been a problem for me in AA. Some AAs believe in god, others don't. The key is not to turn it into a debate forum. I don't try to talk believers out of what works for them and they don't try to talk me out of what works for me. If I find myself at a meeting where god is too much in the forefront for my taste, I don't go to that meeting again. There are plenty of meetings out there where I feel comfortable. People who avoid AA because of "the god thing" are just making an excuse. High five, Ebert. Haters: give the guy a break, he clearly has nothing but good intentions and if even one person gives AA a try because of this article he will have done a very good thing. Remember the 11th Tradition is subject to interpretation. YOU don't KNOW what it means. As long as Ebert is acting in good faith and earnestly believes what he is doing is right and in accord with the Traditions, you're not in a position to judge.
Great essay Mr. Ebert. I feel as though I am an avid fan of yours: I read your review almost religiously, I own several of your books, and you are the most respected and trusted movie critic I know. But this was truly a surprise to read how honest you are regarding your celebration of being sober and overcoming a problem. Thank you for your inspiring story. Living with an alcoholic father and having several alcoholic friends, I am slightly teary eyed reading your story of recovery.
Wouldn't it be great if your account helps give others the strength and confidence to to help solve their problems?!?!
Thank you for your powerful thoughts!!
Hi Roger,
I've been revisiting this entry again and again. And, again tonight I was reminded of it. In this first day of my class, called "Revival and Reform in Islamic History and Thought," we screened "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story." Among a number of relevant points, a very relevant point here is that reformers and healers often find themselves butting heads against the Old Guard. The Old Guard might be "good people," but feel compelled to defend the rules against violation. The argument is that the rules are there for a reason. The reformer, however, argues that some rules have become cluttered with dogmatic strictures, and need to be rewritten, or that the rules are being applied when/where they are not intended to be applied.
Now, my point here is not that you are calling for any changes to AA, because you're definitely not. But, I'm speaking of that other side: the people who are perhaps sincerely defending the 11th tradition, are missing the boat. By you allegedly outing yourself, you have just opened the door for dozens, perhaps hundreds, perhaps thousands of people to seek benefit from AA.
In my own tradition, people often point out that we're not supposed to drink. That's well and good for someone who doesn't drink. But it's as though everyone has forgotten that the tradition has a loose, 3-step, ~20 year communal process for cleaning a person up.
So, more power to you, man. Both for your *next* 30 years of sober life and writing, as well as for opening these doors. And, in time, perhaps the defenders of the tradition will see the wisdom both in the 11th tradition, as well as in your allegedly self-outing.
Of course, anyone who has been following your work/words knows that you've been speaking about this for years and years. So, the alleged self-outing is suspect anyways.
Best wishes,
Omer M
I won't forgive myself if I don't mention
this. A couple of days ago I wrote to you
how I was surprised you didn't include
Under the Volcano and Leaving Las Vegas
part of your videos of great movies
concerning the topic, failed to mention
their predecessor the great "The Verdict"
with Paul Newman (R.I.P.).
As an addictive actor I would kill to
exchange one year of my life for a day
in your skin, where is this genie when you need him.
thank you thank you thank you.
i am having my mom read this (as she "doesn't have time" for al-anon)
we have many alcoholics in our family, myself included, and i believe this gives an easy to read and inspiring perspective she may find helpful, and may take a load off my back...
she read the book "dry" and found it humorous and insightful, but this may be more appropriate and less shocking. :)
my sobriety date is 1/23/07
i am 25 years old.
AA works for me because i haven't taken a drink today. That's all I care about, really.
lauren m. san diego
Breaktime to go read Roger's latest reviews.
In the meantime: Bill Hays, you seem afraid of religion while proselytizing atheism like John the anti-babtist. How come? Without offering an endless list of religious abuses I could probably top, I mean. Did your dad force you to pray in a closet or something?
I've spent time with real cults and cult people out of lone independent curiosity. Have you? Or is experience unnecessary when it comes to being knowledgeable about anything? 'cuz your warnings about AA being a "cult" sound bug-eyed.
Well done, Roger. I'm relatively new to the program, sometimes struggle with it's tenets, but can't think of a member whose "outing" of himself could have more impact on me. I've always been an enormous fan of your writing--even more so than your criticism. You're on my short list (along with Clint Eastwood, for instance) of people that I pray never quit sharing their craft.
Some of my fondest memories are of going to see movies around town with my father and then debriefing w/ him over a cocktail or 5. Your reviews were always the most meaningful to us and once I wondered aloud as to why I was so drawn to your reviews as opposed to those of your partner's, or anybody else's. My father said, "because you're catholic." I honestly have no idea what he meant, but it makes me laugh to remember. Perhaps it was something altogether different.
You've always been the best, please keep it coming.
By the vast number of comments it is evident you have struck a very meaningful nerve with your brave essay. I have just over a decade of sobriety in the books myself (I went 5 years once before). But in a strange twist (I think?) I never hit "a bottom" because nothing and I mean nothing, was ever "bottom enough" for me. What got me to stop? I woke up one morning feeling.....good. I knew where I was, what I had done the night before, whom I interacted with and knew I owed no apologies to anyone for any offense, because I had not drank. It was there and then I said to myself: This is the way to live. It has been ever since. Thank you Roger. (Oh, and even during all my years of drink I still never missed an episode of S&E or a column).
Roger,
Although I find your story commpelling, would it be any less compelling if you ommited your last name? The whole idea of annonimity at the puplic level, is to express a certain amount of humilty--to be one of the crowd. The highest commpliment you can receive in AA, is to be totally taken for granted. I really hope you read these letters, because I'd really like to know what you were thinking. What kind of example are you setting for the newcomer?
M
michvncnt@aol.com
Hi Roger,
Once again, a wonderful blog, and I enjoyed reading many of the comments, too (I confess that I don't read your blog EVERY week; if I did, I'd never leave my desk!) The thing I like so much about your blogs is that you and your readers are so truly engaged with each other and the topic at hand...but I digress.
I think it takes a tremendous amount of courage to publicly "come out" as a recovering alcoholic, and I admire you and so many others for doing so. And contrary to those who criticized you for not remaining Anonymous about your alcoholism, not being afraid to speak Truth to Power can inspire others not to be so afraid. I remember watching "Inside the Actors' Studio" several years ago, when Jack Lemmon said almost in passing that he was an alcoholic; when that was met with apparent disbelief, he said "No, I really mean I'm an alcoholic!" It was quite a profound and brave moment.
(Your blog was so funny and positive that I felt uplifted and wondered "why isn't there a Chronically Clinically Depressed Anonymous?")
Congratulations to you for your 30th year of sobriety, and to all the others who are celebrating too.
Roger,
My fiancee is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 5 years this past July. We talk about his alcoholism from time to time and how it will affect our children and future. My mother is against our marriage because she says that "everyone" relapses. Thank-you for your link regarding the alcohol rescindent rate. I don't know much about drinking since I only drink a couple times a year... and that's only a glass or two of wine. I have stopped drinking all together to support him. He has gone to AA for many years and it has been of great benefit to him. Thank-you for your article. It has really opened my eyes to A.A. and alcoholism... I have passed it along to him hoping it will be inspiring to him. I am sure it will be!
Little spoken of fact -The official history of Alcoholics Anonymous traces the group's origins to Jung's diagnosis of the incurable alcoholic - "His craving for alcohol was the equivalent on a low level of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness, expressed in medieval language: the union with God" from the book Alcoholics Anonymous Third Edition, Ch 24/Pass It On, P. 384.
"Basically the motive for starting Alcoholics Anonymous came out of a patient of Jung's experience and Jung's communicating to that patient the idea that essentially he was not going to ever successfully get over his alcoholism if he did not find god..what people seek in addictive experience, is something which in and of itself is normal, that is to say the craving is normal, the craving for certain kinds of elation, for a certain sense of specialness, for heroism, for cessation of pain and underlying all of those really, ultimately and most powerful is the seeking of a sense of meaningfulness".
Dr. Jeffrey Statinover.
I'm mostly an agnostic, but what Alcoholics Anonymous stands for now may not entirely accurately represent all the factors of its founding. I'm not religious in any traditional sense, but most of my preceding generation largely was and remains quite religious. I disagree with them, but I don't deny them their religiosity, that seems to me almost as silly as saying the tower of Pisa is actually not leaning, it is us who are wrong in standing straight. Of course they have a lot of seemingly loony beliefs, the generations that follow us are almost all certain to say exactly the same about us and our ideas. I find little to reconcile myself with dogmatists/fundamentalists of virtually any stripe, it seems a wasteful denigration of intellect that has taken millions of painful years to get to where it has. I find a lot in the western tradition to admire, but at the same time I find a lot to pity - such dualisms as can be addressed to any nation, but I digress - e.g. firstly, alcohol is by the percentages of the world population that consumes it and the quantities consumed, a luxury; secondly, over-indulgence is one of the most basic of human traits, for instance, moaning about your lack of self-control thereof. I sha'nt even ask you to cast your eyes as far across the earth at some of the most impoverished nations such as India or, Africa - there are people less fortunate than yourself all around you, open your eyes and look for crying out loud at the disabled, the homeless, the poor, the supremely vain etc. etc. and think of how fortunate you are. I know individual stress, angst etc. is an infernally subjective internal mechanism but, for a nation that sent human beings to the moon and to whom every other nation looks up to, a little perspective in the intelligentsia and overall population can't do too much harm now, can it? No one's perfect, least of all myself but..you know..just saying..what, I'm not sure I know entirely and am sort of glad I don't, life would be terrifyingly boring if all in it could be spoken of with absolute certitude. As with all my other comments, none of what I say is aimed at you Roger whom I do find most wise, unless you are specifically mentioned, you keep fighting the good fight which I very much admire and wholeheartedly support. Hope you're well.
Good morrow to all you gentle folk.
Indian Idiot (H.W.)
P.S. I'm mostly very rigorous in attempting to not project condescension, if it appears to creep into my commentary it is not by design and therefore hopefully on the whole excusable. The passions of the young get the better of them more often than they would like, but such is life, eh? Besides, out of most negatives there's bound to spring forth some positives..
Ebert: You're not such an idiot.
Roger,
very insigtful blog, please someone riddle me this: What is the definition of a cult? I ask because if AA is a cult, then any place where two or more people of like mind gather must be a cult. Every social organization must be a cult or service organization must also be a cult. And I am also unsure of what difference it makes when folk want to complain about the success rate. No one said that AA was the ONLY solution. There is not only one way of treating cancer so why would there be only one way of treating alcoholism. There's a million way to die choose one. And if the main point of AA is to stop folks from drinking what should I care if their God has aided them in this process. So you mean to tell me a person who joins AA and as a result has been sober, for lets say 40 yrs, experience should be deemed somehow less valid because they believe in a God(s). If AA only helped two people, well that's two less people I gotta worrying about putting my life in danger while I am on the road. It's kind of like saying since I can't help everybody I am not going to help anybody (tsk tsk). I am convinced that the non-believers are beginning to sound just as crazy as the believers. It's as if their lack of religion is their religion. Must everything be philosophical and theoritical, I mean we are talking about folks that have demonstrable/tangible outcomes as a result of attending AA meetings, they DONT drink anymore, goodness gracious.
Reply to Bill Hays, who writes, "You've got to make an effort to find 'The Correct Answer.' Not simply 'The Answer That Works.'"
The issue of what constitutes "correct" is by no means as straightforward as Mr Hays would make it seem. He appears to mean "corresponds with reality," but there are many more sophisticated--and less problematic--ideas of "truth" than correspondence theories. With the philosophical pragmatists (like Wm James, CS Peirce, Richard Rorty, et al) we can say that "the true is what is good in the way of belief, and good for definite and assignable reasons." The definite and assignable reasons in the case of AA are obvious: AA helps people stop drinking. Mr Hays thinks AA is somehow false, so we are left with the questions: Would one rather adopt the answer that is "correct"--e.g. that there is no power higher than brain chemistry (!)--but unhelpful in achieving what one desires, namely to stop drinking? Or would one prefer the answer that helps one to become and remain sober? Moreover, the higher power in which one believes--about which nothing more definite than "higher" and "power" is predicated--is hardly to be confirmed by comparison with some external reality, so it is scarcely helpful whip up a factitious quarrel between the correctness and the utility of a belief. It is also astonishing to this commentator that anyone would seriously claim that brain chemistry is a "higher power." Our brain chemistry does without question influence--sometimes coercively--our thoughts and actions. But we do not consider it exhaustive of what we are as human persons. Even Mr Hays uses language like "our" brain, but if all we are is brain chemistry, who is this "I" who "has" this brain that is having thoughts? Clearly even Mr Hays thinks there's more to it than that.
As for the issue of the success of the program depending on the "existence" of God, i.e. a higher intelligence "really" out there helping us, let us understand that it is not necessary to construe the term "God" here so narrowly. Again with James, we can speak of the "religious hypothesis" in this way: (1) The better things are the eternal things; (2) We are better off even now if we believe (1). The statement is purposely vague so that it is inclusive of the variety of religious experience. In particular, it does not use the term "God" that Mr Hays finds so objectionable. But it is nothing more than this hypothesis that is the higher power which those in AA are called to acknowledge. That there are things more "eternal," or at least more enduring, and hence "higher" than an individual is hardly even deniable, even if all we mean is family, community, or nation. The idea that there is nothing "higher"--in the mild sense that AA means it--than oneself is arrogant, egocentric, or narcissistic in the extreme. And these are the very qualities that substantially contribute to an inability to stop drinking, and the very qualities AA steps 2 and 3 are designed to confront.
Dear Mr Ebert,
I've always admired and respected your films reviews, since I discovered your blog I see now that you are a truly great writer with the ability to address a variety of topics.
My grandfather was an alcoholic who eventually drank himself to death, your article has helped me shed light on this addiction. I just wish he had managed to summon up the courage to seek help, as you did.
Thank you for sharing your story, I hope it helps other people who are battling alcoholism.
Heartfelt wishes.
Amy
thank you for 'standing up' and telling your story. i've been sober for 2 years and 9 months. i went to rehab and started my blog and through that, have 'met' the most amazing sober community imaginable. through them i've come to know aa. for me it's not what you do to get sober, as long as you do something, and it works for you. here's to living in this day!
I'm such a big fan of you Roger and I would have never imagined you attend AA. Thank you so much for sharing because your inspiration goes beyond your movie reviews. In some ways we have been through same things because I have suffered from Depression and OCD, I have been in therapy for over 10 years, and we both follow a treatment that "works for us."
Your fanatic fan,
Anonymous
To Almost -
Mr. Ebert, it sounds like AA is great, but you are really, really missing the boat on one key issue.
I am a dyed in the wool atheist. I do not believe in anything remotely concerning a higher power, and I find the concept of submissions to a bogey man impossible to swallow. Hitchens and Dawkins are on my bedside table. How can there possible be a place for me at an organization like AA?
---
I'm an Athiest and AA has worked for me for 5 years. I'm more agnostic - in that I haven't discounted the idea of a god, but that isn't important to my life.
There is also Rational Recovery, which I can't recommend because I've only read the literature and haven't tried the program. The meetings I went to tend to complain that AA is all about god, and didn't really focus on sobriety. Part of the AA program is dealing with resentments, because they can drive you to drink. On my resentment list is AA, specifically with the line "higher power". I had to get over it and myself and find an understanding that worked - and I did. As Roger stated above, it isn't about finding a God, but recognizing that oneself ISN'T god. That's something an Athiest can get behind - that we are part of a society and we cannot control everything.
Hope this helps- buried several posts later.
I'm such a big fan of you Roger and I would have never imagined you attend AA. Thank you so much for sharing because your inspiration goes beyond your movie reviews. In some ways we have been through same things because I have suffered from Depression and OCD, I have been in therapy for over 10 years, and we both follow a treatment that "works for us."
Your fanatic fan,
Anonymous
Wow, Roger.
I grew up watching you and Gene Siskel, I faithfully read your reviews and writings, I can't wait for your third book of bad movie reviews...and I'm so impressed with your blog about your AA experience.
I thought we had something special when you gave a good review to Bill Murray's 1984 dramatic film, "The Razor's Edge."
But now...I'm impressed.
Bravo to you.
The 11th tradition came about because several famous people broke their anonymity when AA was new and then relapsed. AA founders and early members felt that their publicized AA sobriety and subsequent relapse would persuade potential members into thinking that AA did not work. AA's basic text states that selfishness and self-centerdness are the roots of our troubles. The Twelve Steps are meant to deflate our individual egos, the Twelve Traditions are meant to suppress our collective egos. When and if you work the tenth step, I hope you will examine your motives for breaking your anonymity at the level of press. I suspect you will find they are ego-related not altruistic.
Roger.
--Today, at a meeting in Reno, a new lady announced your article. I couldn't wait to read it. I've always liked you as a movie guy.
--Did you know that the editors of Time Magazine once approached Bill W.(AAs co-founder) about doing a cover story on him and on AA? Time was aware of the Traditions. On the cover they planned an artists conception of Bill from the rear as if he were the speaker at an AA Meeting. Not even a depection of his face was to be used. His name was not to be used. They explained to him the impact the cover of Time had. How many more millions of people read the cover story.
--Bill thought it over. It was a hard decision for him. He liked the idea. And he refused. He reasoned that though he'd be keeping the Letter of the Tradition, he be breaking the Spirit of the Tradition. He also felt that while short term some people would get sober, long term many, many more would get drunk. Did you know that there is no mention of AA on Bills or Bobs headstone? 30 years and still the intoxication of alcoholic exceptionalism.
--Ironically the most interesting aspect of this story is the Tradition break. As always AA will gain. It will cause great debate which will make the Traditions come alive for the new.
Thank You
As an active and participating member of A.A., I am disappointed in both the 11th Tradition violation and the comments made regarding same that were not shared lovingly or even kindly. Patience, love, and tolerance are also codes and principles that we try to practice in all of our affairs. It is not my job to take Mr. Ebert's inventory. This article may very well help (and maybe already has) a struggling drunk. However, it may have harmed one as well. The 10th Tradition wherein we try to avoid bringing the A.A. name into public controversy may have also been violated by some of the opinions following the article; some of which were argumentive, mean-spirited, and/or uninformed. Some of this behavior may not be seen as attractive to a struggling drunk giving them just enough reason to not seek us out.
In the 12 & 12, Bill W. writes the following about Tradition 11:
"At one point, about a hundred of our Society were breaking anonymity at the public level. With perfectly good intent, these folks declared that the principle of anonymity was horse-and-buggy stuff, something appropriate to A.A.'s pioneering days. They were sure that A.A. could go faster and farther if it availed itself of modern publicity methods. A.A., they pointed out, included many persons of local, national, or international fame. Provided they were willing--and many were--why shouldn't their membership be publicized, thereby encouraging others to join us? These were plausible arguments, but happily our friends of the writing profession disagreed with them.
The Foundation* wrote letters to practically every news outlet in North America, setting forth our public relations policy of attraction rather than promotion, and emphasizing personal anonymity as A.A. greatest protection."
Bill ends this chapter with:
"This Tradition is a constant and practical reminder that personal ambition has no place in A.A. In it, each member becomes an active guardian of our Fellowship."
So I ask that we would prayerfully consider is it worth breaking any of our Traditions knowing that we could potentially be harming A.A. as a whole?
"Don't let the good be the enemy of the best."
Yours in the Fellowship,
a sober drunk
Thank you for telling your story here and writing about AA. I know that there is a reason to not promote AA at the level of press, radio, TV, and films. But I also understand that you have a desire to help others based on what you wrote here. It is a program of attraction not promotion. I can only say that what you wrote is touching. I have been to many open AA meetings. As an Al-Anon member, I know that I was as sick or sicker than my wife who is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a family disease that affects many. My best wishes for your 30 years one day at a time.
Hello Roger,
My name is Christopher and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is October 13, 2008.
I write to thank you for your courage and strength. I was beginning to feel ashamed of my disease because of the social stigma. Most people do not understand alcoholism or it's grave nature.
After reading your most enlightening article, I feel much more at ease and unafraid. It's the "fellowship" like you have exhibited which makes our Program work!
"Keep coming back - it works if you work it sober".
A friend of Bill W.
Congratulations on 30 years! I remember those early days because when we met I was new to the program as well. I've thought of you often during your illness and wish you joy and healing grace. Live and let live.
Ebert: Hi Eileen!
In 2 weeks, I'll be picking up my medallion for 28 years of sobriety. All I know is that AA works for me. My former life seems just that..a former life. I go to meetings to keep my memory green, because, as they say, those who don't remember are doomed to repeat.
Congratulations on your milestone and thanks for sharing.
I was always fairly certain that you were an alcoholic from all the four star reviews you gave to movies on the subject. You never hid your ability to relate.
Oh, how I appreciated this essay. I've been reading your work for years and I never knew you were a recovered alcoholic. On Sept. 5, I will have been sober for 28 months. As a fellow film reviewer, I've long been inspired by your astute and passionate criticism. As a fellow member of the program and, more importantly, as a fellow human being, I find much inspiration in the fact that someone I so greatly admire faced and overcame the same struggles that I did.
Awesome Mr Ebert
Two Thumbs UP!!...WAY UP!!
Sincerely,
A fan of Roger E and A Friend of Bill W since Oct 1981.
;)
Hey Rog, did you see the South Park ep "Bloody Mary"? I mostly agree with their take on AA. Cult or not, the court forces you to go, AA forces a higher power on you, and if you buy into this bullshit, you get to play the victim. Screw that...
"Disciprin."
Hey Rog, did you see the South Park ep "Bloody Mary"? I mostly agree with their take on AA. Cult or not, the court forces you to go, AA forces a higher power on you, and if you buy into this bullshit, you get to play the victim. Screw that...
"Disciprin."
You're not doing Ebert any favors, folks. I used to go to a meeting in NYC that got a lot of celebrities, Broadway types mostly. The amount of butt-smooching that would happen when someone especially accomplished would walk in ... And let's just say the attention did not help them maintain sobriety. The sucking-up deprived them of being in a room of their peers, which is a significant advantage of being in AA for the rest of us.
There is absolutely nothing notable about Roger's story except that he's the one telling it. You're acting like a bunch of star-struck 16-year-olds with a backstage pass. He made a serious error in judgment by writing this, but you're making it a thousand times worse by validating it.
Omer posted:
'Ebert: "AA has no opinion on theology, and wisely does not require belief in God. Your brand of atheism is so adamant it reminds me of fundamentalism."
Omer continues:
Indeed, that which we call popularly "fundamentalist" is more of a psychological profile than a religious profile. It is ideologically neutral. A fundamentalist atheist can convert to another ideology, and will probably remain the same fundamentalist. That's what nobody seems to understand, and I'm glad you point it out. A fundamentalist is not someone with a frown and a turban. A fundamentalist is someone with a frown in *character*: he/she justifies his/her own beliefs by way of belittling, condemning, damning, the other's beliefs. Or, in my language, it is bludgeon-religion.
But, on a side note, the textbook academic definition (as opposed to the popular definition above), focuses more on ahistorical, contextless literalist readings of text, but that's besides the point.
Omer M'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the side, side note, Omer,
Indeed, that is YOUR definition of 'fundamentalism'. It can be used loosely as Roger did, but I doubt he meant it to extend to the meaning you apply to 'fundamentalism '-- or, for the same reasons. And your reasons?
I'm not so sure your definition is the 'popular definition' either -- I've always assumed a fundamentalist, when, associated with fanaticism of religion, to believe literally in the text for the religion he espouses; for example as someone who might proclaim 'I believe Unapologetically in the *whole* of the Qur'an [ Koran]' as you yourself did on another thread here.
You come from a place where the idea of abstention of drink, alcohol, by ALL, is parcel to being righteous, since Mohammed claimed it was frowned upon by Allah himself.
Not all scriptures around the world shares Mohammed's inner voice -- many Christian religious ceremonies use wine as a symbol of Jesus' blood.
And, never mind that likely half of Afghanistan is stoned on Opium, or that upwards of 95 per cent of the adult population of Yemen walks about with a cud of an amphetamine similar chew in their cheeks and are said to babble inanely till all hours of the night.
I'll belittle any belief system, that on one hand tells it's believers that abstention from alcohol is righteous, but on the other hand that killing a person over a belief in polytheism is a proper directive from Allah, Himself/Herself.
Tom Dark says he's got this idea about giving Muslims a hammer to use; to 'bludgeon' fingers in upholding a persons need to stop drinking. Heck, if that was all there was to it fine -- but, Bacchus is one of my favorite Guys, of many, we like our wine and -- we object to being murdered for why we like our wine!
Comments by A at 3:17 on 8-25, and Marcus R at 3:21 on 8-25 talk about craig ferguson who has since apologized. Mike P 8-25 at 5:57 Quotes Kurt Vonnegut. There was another one I read shortly before writing this letter which talked about "Sir Elton". I'm sorry I couldn't find that one right now. I'm on my way to the airport to pick up my sponsor. I feel it would remain better if I stay anonymous. Thank you for you time, and your service to AA. This too shall pass.
Anonymous one
Ebert: BTW, Kurt Vonnegut was not an alcoholic, but he did indeed write:
"What has been America's most nurturing contribution to the culture of this planet so far? Many would say Jazz. I, who love jazz, will say this instead: Alcoholics Anonymous."
http://www.thenation.com/doc/19831231/vonnegut
This post touched me and scared me. Primarily from your two part question: If you drink when you didn't intend to, and more than you intended to, you, my friend, have just failed this test.
I fail that test all the time. I also fail that test when it comes to tv, internet, drinking soda - and other things that I'm either forgetting or intentionally omitting.
So what do I do if I'm "addicted" to a lot of things? I guess just keep on breathing in and out.
Hello Roger,
Thank you for your excellent article. This will surely help many people. I thought it would be nice to also mention those 12 step meetings that are based off of the AA model; those intended for people who have other addictions and those intended to help family members and friends of addicts (like "al-Anon"). I have been attending the "anon" meetings for over a year, and have found them vital for my own peace. All my best to you and your family.
It is worth noting (I think) the number of people posting who come from families where alchoholism was an issue. This seems to point to the predisposition aspect of addiction. In the same way that simple exposure and usage of cocaine or heroin - and continued recreational use - will not automatically make one an addict, but of course, if one should have a disposition to be addicted, then its likely game over. And of course there are other contributing elements of addiction besides genetic. Very risky stuff. And probably much more common than is generally perceived. One of those `do not discuss` issues.
As an addictions counserlor and true believer in the miracle of AA, thank you for your wonderful essay.
Thanks for a great column, Roger. Unlike some who commented and were critical of you for breaking Tradition 12, my thought is your column could well be a big help for those wondering, "Am I an alcoholic?" I can share my continuing recovery with anyone whom I choose. I don't out other people in AA. That's what it's all about. I celebrated 27 years sobriety earlier this month, and like you, am glad AA was around when I first came around.
All the best
Congratulations, Roger on your 30 years! That is awesome.
I have been an avid reader/viewer of your work for many years and now understand why I was continually drawn to your words. How cool is that?!
I identified with your story, as I have from my first AA meeting. It was the 12 Steps and Traditions and God that gave me sobriety, and it was the people around the tables (and you) that made me feel it's okay to be an alcoholic.
Thanks for being part of the solution.
Dear Mr. Ebert:
First, congrats on your 30 year mark. I cannot say I understand what it is like to have such an addiction, but I know what it is to watch others having fun while intoxicated.
I often think that God saved me from many things. I am allergic to alcohol, tobacco and even marijuana.
When I say I don't drink, I am amazed at the people who still continue to push alcohol or wonder how I relax. Or decide that I must be no fun at all.
There is, of course, a great difference between relaxing and being dead. My worst experience was when a boyfriend pressured me to lift a toast to my lips. That resulted in my lips and throat swelling and it was about a month before I could swallow normally. I didn't drink a single drop.
As a freshman in college, people who began as friends became a burden. I was the sober person who would make sure they got home safely. I was the person who suffered when they lost my things because I didn't understand and I was the one who suffered from inappropriate passes and I was the one who walked with them into the night through puddles because they were too drunk and shouldn't be alone.
In answer to one reader's question about why the police waste time in arresting underage drinkers at college parties. There are at least two problems. Drinking too much alcohol until it leads to death--either from inexperience or peer pressure (hazing rituals or party games)is a problem associated with colleges. There is also a common myth that when a woman drinks, she is fair game for sexual contact--even when she is too intoxicated to give consent. Alcohol and other drugs were used as "panty peelers" and used as less a social lubricant and more as a sexual lubricant. The relationship between rape and alcohol a colleges has been studied.
In the case of a minor drinking, someone must take legal responsibility when a drunk minor dies from alcohol poisoning, drunk driving or is sexually assaulted while incapacitated. It will be the person or entity with deep pockets that will be the target of a lawsuit. I worked at a women's resource center once and we had a rape hotline and a rape awareness programs before the above referenced study came out.
* Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
* Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
Having watched some of the movies mentioned, I can say I don't understand how it felt to be so out of control, but I do know what it is like to be a witness to those things. There are also people who do not drink because of their religion--Mormons, Baha'is and Muslims. We do not drink because it is part of our belief and we are turning our will and our lives over to the care of God. That doesn't mean we are part of a cult and have no free will, but rather we try to guide our lives through decisions based on religious principles such as helping other people and treating all people as one would wish oneself to be treated. The 12-step program seems to be based on a common religious concept developing a supportive community and being willing to help others find "enlightenment." This concept can be found in Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Islam, the Baha'i Faith, etc. In some religions the concept of prayer is actually doing one's very best at work and meditation is just reflecting upon one's deeds and future actions.
As a non-drinker, I can say there is some prejudice against people who do not drink--in Asia, America and Europe. Particularly if it is due to religion. And yet I can also say that people who do not drink have to develop other social skills and different ways of socializing. One example is that while in England at a college party, the first people getting up to dance, were the non-drinkers. The drinkers weren't drunk enough yet.
Alcohol has been called liquid courage and a social lubricant. I feel it is neither and generally try to avoid people who need it for those reasons.
One last comment I have about alcohol is a sad childhood memory. My father (who passed away from complications of multiple sclerosis) was once stopped for suspected DUI. He wasn't drunk, but as his disease progressed he increasingly walked like he was intoxicated (ataxia) and eventually developed speech ataxia as well. I mention this to suggest one shouldn't jump to conclusions, and ask why would anyone willing want to induce such a state?
Ebert: Drunks are such a bore when you're not one.
Yes, the 12 Steps reflect very old insights.
Dear Roger,
I applaud the decision to write about your 30 year voyage to sanity. The AA mafia may complain about your choice, but sometimes anonymity is overrated. It is often a barrier to showing those still suffering that there may be a way out.
(I am one of those talky Atheists mentioned in the comments, but sober is sober in my book.) Thank you, Roger. Good things for you and yours.
Hasta later!
If we can get back to movies for a minute ...
I dunno, Roger, but for me The Shining is the best movie about alcoholism; as Jack Torrance puts it, "I'd give my goddamned soul for just a glass of beer." And boy, does he ever.
p.s. Speaking of The Shining, all that scolding over your going public also reminds me of Jack. "Do you have the slightest what a moral and ethical principle is? Do you!?" Scary business, boys and girls.
Congratulations on your 30 years, Roger. This is a well written piece, albeit an anonymity break. This blog is comprehensive & an easy read for those who may think they need to cut back or stop drinking. "Lord knows we tried hard enough & long enough to quit drinking." My cousin by marriage was Chuck Chamberlain. ~ Susan C. of Eureka Springs, Arkansas
Roger, as someone who has struggled with alcohol (it was a dumb idea for me to take that first drink, as I have a lot of alcoholics on both sides of my family), I greatly appreciate your "coming out" story. It so happens that I'm gay, and I can relate in that way to your "outing" as well. At the age of 50, I'm finally becoming comfortable in my own skin. I've come to understand that a nice cup of tea offers more comfort than a bottle of wine or vodka ever will--and that happy music and comedy films will see you through depression much more effectively than alcohol.
Beyond this essay, I just wanted to thank you for continuing to share your gifts of insight, humor and wonderful writing even with the physical challenges you've endured over the past several years. You've always been an inspiration to me, and now your light shines even more brightly. Thank you.
Ebert: Have you ever tried Lapsang Souchong? Smells like road tar, its detractors claim. I love it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lapsang_souchong
Roger, I hate reading your political pieces, but I love reading posts like this. You are without a doubt a excellent film critic, but, IMHO, pieces like this are where your superb writing talents really shine.
Born in 1960 I am the product of two alcoholic parents. One had an astoundingly high tolerance for alcohol, the other did not.
My father, a proud Irishman from Brooklyn, was an enigma; He did not get infections from cuts or such (said it was the alcohol in his blood that killed the bacteria) and healed from injuries without ever going to a doctor. One example: a quiet drunk he still sometimes got caught up in between other peoples bar room brawls. When, on one occasion, he got stabbed in the chest with a screwdriver during a fight between two guys that had been sitting next to him, he beat the crap out of the guy who stabbed him, moved over to a quieter part of the bar, stuck some napkins in the wound and just went back to drinking and watching the boob tube. Not only did the wound heal without medical attention, you could just barely see the scar.
Had he not drank or smoked (5 packs a day) I think he might have been the closest thing to an immortal this planet ever produced. He was as tough as the day was long and blessed with amazing strength, even in his late 50's, after a night of hard drinking, he still could fight off kids who would hit him, once with a bat and another time a 2x4, when they tried to rob him.
His drinking started as an infant, a sickly baby he could not keep food down. When one of the Italian ladies in the neighborhood heard about his eating problems she advised my grandmother to give him a little wine to calm his stomach before feeding. It worked and he was hooked. Growing up I can not recall any time when I went out with him to do some errand or whatever that did not end up with us sitting in some bar afterward. And any event, party, dinner or Bar-b-que that he held for his friends at our house was always a huge booze-fest.
When I became an adult I would sometimes go visit him at the bar he would stop at after he got out of work. As the boss in the shop he forbid alcohol use during working hours but kept the fridge stocked with beer for after they punched out. The barkeeps of course knew his routine: whiskey and water, no ice, leave the swizzle sticks on the bar so he could keep track of how many he had had. By the time I would get to the bar there would already be at least 9. He would have a few more while we chatted and then I would follow him to the next bar to continue our conversations. There he again would have 9, 10, 11, whiskey and waters, no ice, and then head home to finish drinking and watching TV.
His drinking glass at home was the large Dunkin Donuts coffee cup. His weekly 'grocery shopping' at the liquor store, he found one that delivered, was 2 cases of beer and one case, 4 half gallon bottles, of whiskey.
Despite all he drank, he was never a falling down drunk, I never had to pick him up from the floor because he 'drank too much'. He did sway a little when he walked, and his driving 45mph on the highways did tick off the people behind him, but he drove that way when he was sober too.
When I would arrive at the bar to visit him the bartenders knew my routine as well and placed a nice cold glass of orange juice on the bar, no ice. My father boasted proudly of the fact that I had not taken to drink as he had; not only because I didn't grow up to be the drunk he was, but also because we probably couldn't have afford it if I drank as much as he did too.
I did not support his drinking, it pained me terribly, but if you knew him you knew that he was never going to stop - it was all he knew and the only social life that he had. Trying to dissuade him from drinking would have only created arguments and certainly pushed us apart. I loved my father deeply and resolved instead to stay as close to him as I could and be there whenever he needed me.
No male in my fathers family, for generations back, had ever exceeded the age of 50, his brother never made it to 30 and their father died at 50. As such my father lived his life believing he would have the same fate. Wine women and song provided for an exciting life but it ruined 3 marriages and left 4 emotionally scarred children. Imagine his surprise when he found out that God had a sense of humor - my father lived to 73 and the last 8 years were not his best. This titan of a man withered away to less than a shadow of what he had been. He became confined to the house, needed my help for the simplest of tasks like opening a soup can and even to get to and from the bathroom. He coughed violently day and night and spent his days sitting on the side of his bed alone with the TV; his only human companionship being the time I spent with him. All his friends had either quit drinking years before or had already died. Upon coming home from work one day I found him dead, face down on the floor. As I turned him over I found that his eyes, once a brilliant twinkling blue, were still open and his body was still warm; I felt a pang of guilt for not being there for him when he died. I closed his eyes and chokingly thanked him for being the best father he knew how to be.
My mother was a fall down drunk; I lived with one ear always turned towards her room to listen for when she would stumble or fall out of bed. A brilliant women who immigrated to the united States at 18 she fell in love, got pregnant, never reached her potential and never had the loving supportive relationship she yearned. She drank to forget, to stop her mind from thinking, to sleep and to not have to face another day.
I grew up in a house where the parents were god, you never talked back or disobeyed them. It took tremendous effort for me to one day grab her, hold her tightly to my chest as she struggled furiously, and carry her to a car where members of a local church I had called were waiting to take her to a place to try and dry out. I cried for a week after that.
My mother died young, at 46, as her oldest son it was up to me to sign the consent forms to have her removed from life support. Let me tell you, it was not a easy task. To this day I do not know if she ever forgave me for what I did, having her taken away like that.
We humans are a funny breed; housewives watch 'their stories' on TV and relate to the characters as though they are members of their own family, others of us read books and articles from folks we have followed for years and in some way feel close to them as well. I can not recall how long I have been following your reviews, decades for sure, and reading your piece here I feel an immense pride in you for your accomplishment and in your sharing it here. I hope that it inspires others to seek the help they need, for their sake, and the families watching them.
Ebert: What a very sad story. Thank God you survived. It's s deadly disease.
Jeez! Inventory, inventory, inventory. Remember whose to take? So much easier to focus on someone else's than your own, right?
My favorite meetings were the Big Book meetings on Sunday morning at the AA Club in Mankato, Minnesota. We'd read a chapter and then discuss it. And then we'd go around the circle and each person would explain where they were with the program or what they were grateful for or how their life had changed because of being sober. Those who wanted to share--shared and those who didn't sat silent. There was no judgement and an incredible amount of love and support. We all knew what it was like to be too scared or to hurt too much to talk.
Congratulations Roger. The only person I know with more XXX's than you was my dad who passed in 2004. He had exactly thirty years more than me, and had fifty-two years of sobriety when he died.
A couple of other things occurred to me since my last comment, and since they don't concern AA or its rulebook, I thought I'd just throw them in here.
Disclaimer: As a lifelong non-drinker, all I know is what I've seen,heard,and read.These are 100% the observations of an outsider.
1) Recently, Bill Veeck's second book, The Hustler's Handbook, was reissued in trade paperback. I first read this book in high school, about a year after its initial release in 1965. One of its chapters is called "Where Are The Drunks Of Yesteryear?" This chapter consists of Veeck's recollections of the very colorful ballplayers he grew up watching as a boy (when his father ran the Cubs in the '20s and'30s) and later as a man (when he owned the Brewers, Indians, and Browns). The point Veeck may have been trying to make was that players were more colorful then than now ('now" being the early '60s), but to make it, he seemed to concentrate on their drinking habits more than anything else. Thus, endless anecdotes about Grover Cleveland Alexander, Rabbit Maranville, Paul Waner, and above everyone else Hack Wilson, Veeck's "boyhood idol". Of Wilson he wrote, "It's a shame that Hack had to play in Chicago during Prohibition. Nobody should have had to enjoy himself that much." Funny line, right? And yet he's talking about a man who didn't live to see his 50th birthday. The whole chapter is like that: Player gets loaded, does something funny/foolish/borderline dangerous, then goes out and wins the game. Ther is some compassio, to be sure (this was where I first learned about Alexander's epilepsy, which is why he drank heavily, as a form of "medication") but mostly it's "Look at the funny drunks". As I said above, I read this book as a teenager; it didn't tempt me to drink, and I was getting the other message from driver's ed splatter films like Mechanized Death. But when I reread Veeck's book as an adult, the laughs developed a chill.
2) In the same vein, I've read and seen more than a few Hollywood memoirs which deal as much or more with drinking bouts as with the Art of Cinema. Over the years you've likely read the same stories about hard-partying performers whose boozing - and in more recent times, doping - are depicted as heroic outcries against stifling conformity. I don't want to sound like a preacher,or (God help me) a Bozell-style pseudo-moralist, but think about it: of all those stars who burned out early, just how many of them would have gone on to the bigger-and-better, while others fell by the wayside.
Would James Dean have still been "the turbulent god to millions" or would he have spent the 60s and 70s doing TV guest shots, as his friends Dennis Hopper and Sal Mineo did?
Would Errol Flynn have aged as gracefully as his fellow carouser David Niven did, or would he have gone the buffoon route of John Barrymore?
What would 60-year-old John Belushi be doing today? (Using the post-SNL careers of his contemporaries as a template - not very promising, is it?)
Of course, this is all speculation - Worlds Of IF, as the SF magazine would say. Or to paraphrase the old mystery cliche, Had They But Known...
3) And that brings me to Alfred Hitchcock. It's well-known from various biographies that Hitchcock was a heavy drinker, especially in the last frustrating period of his life. But on the other hand, there are several segments of his television series which dealt with alcohol abuse, in the suspense story context. Whenever such an episode appeared, Hitchcock would forego his usual patter and speak seriously of his belief that alcoholism was too serious a problem to make fun of. The episodes themselves are pretty unsetling (particularly "Hangover" with Tony Randall and Jayne Mansfield - see that one next chance you get), but Hitchcock's serious spiel about the dangers of alcohol, given the context of his own problems with it, is, pardoning the expression, sobering indeed.
Who would have thought that a great essay on a great subject would finally drag the more typical blog-comment-posters out from under their rocks and on to this usually elevated site. Hard to stomach all of the snarky self-importantness, or self-important snarkyness, or whatever it is. (I refer, of course, to some of the comments by some highly dedicated "Eleveners", as well as our protectors serving in this country's Anti-Cult forces).
Get your own damn blog!
Ah crap. Now I'm snarky and self-important, too. It's contagious!
I find the anger expressed by certain individuals about the "traditions" of A.A. a bit puzzling. It would seem to me that the goal of A.A. is not to maintain it's traditions but to help people stop drinking. I believe that this blog entry will make many people stop and think about how they are living their lives. I also think Roger has given peace to a great many people who's family members and friends have had and do have drinking problems. Anybody who has read Roger's blog will know that he is not a publicity whore looking for celebrity. It seems to me that the people complaining about breaking the traditions are the one's with the ego. Is A.A. a secret club or is it a organization there to help people? What harm could be done by Roger sharing his story? None that I can see.
I love Humble Howard ! I don't know how it works exactly; I trusted one person at first (my sponsor) and 11 years later I am still clean & sober. I came into AA practically a genius (by my own account) and today I don't know diddly and get less smart each year.
If you don't believe in AA, try some more controlled drinking,come back and tell me how that worked out.
I am dual-adicted.Had a drug problem and they fixed that too and never mentioned a word about drugs; Go Figure !
Dear Mr. Ebert,
I am so glad you wrote this and "came out" as one of us. Like you said, critics don't matter to AA. (It's a happy irony that a man who is a critic by trade should be such a supporter.) AA isn't out to back a winning candidate, or get you to buy their book (someone would happily give you one). If you WANT it, it's there. If you don't want it, it's still there.
And for those who are atheists, I am too and I've been sober for over a year and a half. This is not a long time, but longer by about a year and half than I could have ever been sober on my own.
It took me awhile to get around the "god" thing. What I couldn't see was that even though I didn't believe in God, a mystical deity creator or what have you, I did believe in gods. God was alcohol, god was cocaine, god was my boyfriend. When I finally "Came to believe" I didn't pick a supernatural God as my higher power. I did pick the healthy happy faces that were in the rooms of AA and the endless universe that had brought me the faces in those rooms.
So don't let the god thing stop you, if you think you need an AA meeting. I love AA. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Growing up in a household full of Alcoholism, I could have used the tools of AA even before i ever picked up a drink. If I had to drink myself into the rooms, I guess that's the way it had to be.
Thanks again,
Vanessa
Dear Mr. Ebert,
Thank-you Mr Ebert for your article. Funny that a critic could write such a beautiful tribute to an organization that stays so completely unscathed by criticism.
And to "Anon" and other who may want to attend a meeting but have trouble witht the "God" thing"
I am an atheist and I have been sober for a little over a year and a half. That's not much time, but it's a year and a half longer than I could ever be sober on my own. Like now, when I was drinking, I didn't believe in God, but i did let alcohol, drugs and my boyfriend have godlike power over my life. When I finally "came to believe" the power greater than myself that I chose was the healthy happy faces in the rooms of AA that were there to love me and help me, along with the the earth and its universe that brought me the faces in those rooms.
Alcoholics Anonymous is the best thing that has happened to me. Growing up in a very alcoholic household i could have used the tools of AA long before I picked up a drink. If I had to drink myself into the room, then so be it.
AA isn't a religion, it's a guide to living a spiritual life because that's what I need to fill the void that I once filled with drugs and alcohol.
Thanks Again!
Vanessa
Reply to: Tom Dark: Bill Hays, you seem afraid of religion while proselytizing atheism like John the anti-babtist. How come? 'cuz your warnings about AA being a "cult" sound bug-eyed.
Maybe atheism will be considered a success when we no longer have to explain this to every single person in the room.
Christianity is based on (1) a human being being a god, right out of Greek mythology (2) the dead coming back to life (3) the world ending with a day of judgment (4) demonic spirits possessing people (5) God judging people solely on their belief system rather than moral code (6) a Mythology that no one in their right mind should take seriously.
Should I go on?
When you come into a discussion, such as Roger's long account of his relationship with AA, sometimes you start from a familiar place. In my case, it was Bernie Madoff and the missing $65 billion.
I'm always warning people about scams, and yet, when I read about Bernie's scam, I wonder if I would have seen the warning signs:
FORTUNE magazine: People believed in Bernie. Nasdaq made him its chairman; the SEC appointed him to industry panels; Congress invited him to testify. Everywhere you looked, there were signs that Madoff -- and by extension his firm -- had special status. Bernie was even able to arrange with his friends the Wilpons, owners of the New York Mets, for staffers to play charity softball games on the field at Shea Stadium. The day before Thanksgiving in 1959, he married Ruth at the Laurelton Jewish Center. Two days later he filled out an SEC application to register his self-named broker-dealer firm. His "financial statement" consisted of seven words: "Assets: Cash on hand $200. Liabilities None." By the end of 1961, his initial $200 stake had grown to $16,140, according to his SEC disclosures.(end)
Many investors thought Madoff had personal wealth, enough to guarantee any losses. But Bernie started dead broke in 1959.
His firm had three (two and a half floors) in "the Lipstick building." The scam ran like this: through contacts, people with money would invest in his firm. They would receive statements saying their investment was growing at a steady 12%. But ALL of the money was being used to support Madoff's lifestyle, or pay current expenses. ALL of the money people thought was safe, was gone.
Reply to: Odom: The issue of what constitutes "correct" is by no means as straightforward as Mr Hays would make it seem. He appears to mean "corresponds with reality,"
Well, yes. But the wisdom of investing with Bernie Madoff APPEARED to correspond with reality. So you've got to look DEEPER. You've got to find the Correct Answer... and sometimes it takes a lot of investigation.
And you have to allow for con men and scam artists like Bernie Madoff. Or, the authors of the New Testament.
Reply to: Mr Hays thinks AA is somehow false, so we are left with the questions: Would one rather adopt the answer that is "correct"--e.g. that there is no power higher than brain chemistry (!)--but unhelpful in achieving what one desires, namely to stop drinking?
I answered that one earlier.
Reply to: Ebert: On the Monday, I went to see Dr. Schlichter. He said "I want you to talk to a man at Grant Hospital. They have an excellent program."...the important thing was that I thought I had a problem, and asked me if I had packed and was ready to move into their rehab program. "Hold on a second," I said. "I have a job," I said. "I can't leave it."
There are in-house programs to deal with addiction. Roger decided not to participate.
What I said was, the AA program is going to fail, because it doesn't deal with the actual problem. It's just a "feeder fund" for generic Christianity.
Nothing in the AA program alters the reward system of alcoholism. By sitting in a room and talking about the problem, instead of curing it, you're preserving the romance of taking a drink. Under the AA program, you always remain an alcoholic. They have no interest in finding a way to cure the disease.
But my larger issue is, there might be other things wrong with AA, just as there were other things wrong with Bernie Madoff's investment firm.
But you don't know until you ask questions.
Asking questions... is the start of the Correct Answer. If I knew the answers to all of the questions, I wouldn't be asking.
But I know Christianity is based on nonsense. The Temple of Jerusalem was destroyed by the Romans in 70 AD, and a silly story elevated Jesus to the status of a god in Greek mythology... because a real Roman Emperor named Augustus Caesar used the official title "son of God" when he signed documents. The members of the Church said "Jesus was just as great a man as any Roman Emperor." And that's where the title came from.
Reply to: Moreover, the higher power in which one believes--about which nothing more definite than "higher" and "power" is predicated--is hardly to be confirmed by comparison with some external reality, Our brain chemistry does without question influence--sometimes coercively--our thoughts and actions. But we do not consider it exhaustive of what we are as human persons.
And that answer is WRONG. Brain chemistry completely determines who you are as a human being. There is no spiritual component. It's all right there in the hardware and software.
Reality, external or internal. IS reality.
Congratulations Roger. We got sober at the same place and time and I look back on those days and feel very fortunate for the experience. Fond memories and great teachers. You were there the first time I spoke at a meeting. Like a lot of people I was there temporarily. I had come from somewhere else on my way to someplace else. I'll have 30 in OCT. I need no proof that AA works, I am the proof. I lived in my car when I came to AA. Statistics? The statistics are 100% I didn't drink today. AA gave me back my life and I am so grateful. AA at that place and time was my incubator. I found the community of people that were just like me. We were as different as night and day but what we lacked individually was found in the healing community. That first winter Frank H had 2 winter coats and I had none so he gave me one. I still have it. I learned so much there, and unlearned so much. All of the hard work of sobriety started there for me. That's what people seem to not get, it starts when you stop drinking, it doesn't stop then. I've often considered the ripple effect from a single person getting sober and staying sober. The chain of alcoholism in that family has been interrupted. The children don't have to grow up with it. The siblings and extended family, the neighbors, colleagues all see an example of AA in a single person and hundreds or maybe thousands of people can be influenced in a positive way. That's my story, I didn't drink, I didn't die.
Bravo, Roger! A friend in recovery forwarded the link to this blog and I am ever so grateful that he did. I loved reading your words and want to say I'm so proud for you and your 30 years. I was 18 years clean/sober this past April and agree with the beliefs and power of AA. I didn't go to rehab or treatment but walked into my first meeting with a woman I trusted and have been here ever since. I love Alcoholics Anonymous and love the fact that I have a life today and not just an existance in hell. I figuratively crawled out of an alcoholic hell in to AA and will never be able to express the gratitude for the people in the rooms and the freedom I learned from them. I am a big believer also in the Big Book, the principles and teachings of the program, sponsorship, meetings and most importantly, the God of my Understanding I found through the process.
Being Native American and Irish I have always told folks I was supposed to be a drunk! Maybe so...but today I am a sober drunk and like you, have no desire to drink again. Some may become upset about the anonymity issue but noone else's was broken but your own, and, for me-I was about as anonymous as a Mack truck when drinking, so I don't mind who knows I am sober!
Thank you for your words and for being "one of us"!
(PS-my very favorite "drunk" movie is "I'll Cry Tomorrow"...!!!!)
I don't know which is worse...the obvious and selfish breaking of our 11th & 12th Traditions or the fawning of the so called members on this blog just because the person is a celebrity. I am surrounded all the time in AA by folks who don't have a clue what they are members of.
I am one of countless dedicated members of AA who has spent over 20 years in Service to our fellowship as a whole...at all levels. It makes me ill to see our fellowship going down the tubes the way it continues from the ignorance and apathy of its so-called members.
There is nothing special about your story Roger, I've heard it thousands of times from folks who are not celebrities. Only they maintained their anonymity. The Traditions of AA came about because of our selfish, self-centered behavior and the breaking of them from the same causes.
Sadly, I realize that I am in the minority in AA today. I was taught many years ago that I was to be of service to God and my fellow man, especially the still suffering alcoholic instead of being a self congratulatory former drunk who sits around waiting for recognition at their next birthday. Try some real service work, in total anonymity, for a change.
One is too many and a thousand never enough.
I just received my 90 day coin today from my sponsor. One day at a time.
As a film writer myself, I can't tell you how heartening and timely (how's that for no coincidences?) your post was for me. I will add it to the growing trove of sobriety literature at my bedside.
I had been struggling to rediscover something in my life that gave me the "thrill" - that raw adrenaline - of my addictive substances. Of course, I love my wife and daughter and family, but that's a different rush. In my active addiction, I had forgotten how important the movies (and my reflecting upon them) were to my essence; I was in a dark cave, alone, like Gollum.
Two directors have helped reignite my boosters in the last week: I have been "high" since last Friday when I saw Mr. Blomkamp's District 9, then was sent over the moon by Mr. Tarantino's Basterds on Monday. They reminded of the transformational, overwhelming power of the cinema (G.I. Joe: Rise of the Idiots and Bayformers: War is Fun! had done their best to make me forget.)
Thanks for sharing this sir, and congratulations on your birthday. Your success is a testament to the power of acceptance and humility. You just overtook Pauline as my most inspirational film writer, and for a very personal reason.
By Nikole T. on August 27, 2009 3:20 AM writes: Roger, very insightful blog, please someone riddle me this: What is the definition of a cult?
---I know this is a rhetorical question, but Google "Strong City" for a highly illustrative current example. The going use of the word connotes any group of people gathered together in reaction against ideas and people that frighten them. There's a "we" and a "them." The "we" in the configuration usually know the "Truth," and the rest of the world is considered ignorant and dangerous. The "Truth" could be religious or scientific or political, or any other category, but these are the most common.
---AA members are afraid of something, all right, but not as a common cause that herds them together against anyone else. Unless, of course, alcoholism is a mandative law. (I mis-wrote in a previous post: no AA success I've met has NOT been out-loud proud of his or her achievement and the only story they told me was their own. Considering one was from Hollywood and I didn't hear so much as a word about Tom Cruise [joke], that's integrity.)
---The gentleman who pointed out the uniqueness of every case, following from scientific beliefs onward, was highly reasonable. Therefore quit bashing celebrities who're in trouble just because they seem ungrateful for an imaginary success you don't have either. And anybody who APPRECIATES GOOD WRITING wouldn't give a damn whether Roger Ebert or Roger Cadwallader-Smythe-Abnego wrote it. Good writin' is good writin'.
---In other than Jungian or medieval terms [Thanks non-Idiot Indian], personal integrity is how an AA alumnus or anybody succeeds. They learn to regain it the only way there is: between themselves and the world they know, one day at a time. Cult behavior is quite the opposite. "Strong City" is a good example because they're defending their leader's right to diddle any woman in the cult that "god tells him to." It's not even polygamy.
---If court-ordering alcoholics to AA is as frequent as these postings suggest, is that really doing anybody any favors?
Ebert: Only some states have that practice. I personally disagree with it.
The comments are amazing! Good work, Roger E. for inspiring such passion! AA has not only helped me to not drink, one day at a time, it has also taught me about the allergy of the alcoholic to alcohol and how taking a drink sets off that phenomenon of craving. Nothing worked for me until I stepped into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can only speak for myself. Now that the craving has subsided, I can work on my thinking because I don't have a drinking problem anymore ~ I don't drink; I have a thinking problem that if left unchecked will lead me back to a drink. It's that simple! Who cares if you broke a Tradition if it helps another person (and, clearly, from the many comments, it has) ... people, this is a blog ... don't read it if it upsets you. There are many more blogs to read ...
NO WONDER I've always liked you Roger you are "one of us" after all. I can usually guess by terms and words other drunks use but I was surprised. I have 12 yrs. and I was a very hard core drunk. A case of beer a day for decades and when that quit working I'd start on the rum & vodka. I finally hit bottom and went to AA and was lucky enough to instantly love the place!!! I could finally go SOMEWHERE and leave my overwhelming shame OUTSIDE THE DOOR. I was an equal to the drunk who lived under a bridge and the high powered lawyer and doctor. Personally I don't think you violated anything by AA standards perhaps some of the "old timers" might get mad but that's part of the gig and you only spoke about YOURSELF personally and there is nothing against that. Yes AA's lesson's were hard learned and earned especially with the "stars" going on shows while they are on that pink cloud you spoke of but in their industry they can't change playgrounds and playmates so their chance of relapse is much higher call it occupational hazards as Kenneth Toby (he's not in AA as far as I know and was talking to him at a convention) says and all the other actors and directors said the same thing. Keep in mind this was a long time ago there were no real Start Trek conventions just the Sci-Fi Fantasy and Horror Club where all us "geeks" could go. This particular conventions was spectacular in that it was tiny by today's standards and they had an open panel with directors like Don Chaffe, and best of all; ALL THOSE GREAT "B" ACTORS INCLUDING THE SEXY WOMEN were there and anyone could ask questions. I won the actors hearts when I got my chance to ask a few questions when I said; here we all are talking about what was "bad movies" that had "B" actors but you are ALL "A" actors for sure. We have all seen you in the very best of movies as well as the horror flicks. It also helped that I had made a few student films and my brother was going to the USC film school.
Thanks so much for sharing and I'm sure that at least ONE person will go see if indeed they can turn their life around after reading your blog. Keep writing!!
I've always loved your reviews -- I'd say I agree with you 87% of the time -- and I really appreciate this entry. It moved me to tears. I am not a member of AA, but my husband joined a 12-step group almost two years ago. It literally saved our marriage. I can't tell you how much this has restored my faith in human courage and capacity for change.
Roger, whatever happened to "attraction not promotion" remember - Tradition 11. Reminds me of my first contact with your celebrity appearance at a meeting, a hush fell over the gathering and the aisles parted and made way. Never went back to that meeting. Prefer the mix of ordinary recovering drunks sans stars. Read the Traditions, Roger, if you are in the Fellowship, they apply to you, too. And to think we've been protecting your anonymity for years, never once uttering out loud in a crowd "no wonder he gave that crappy review; he's one of us." Roger, not even to fellow fellows, for cryin' out loud.
Ebert: Is it possible for a "celebrity" to be simply another recovering drunk who needs help?
Roger,
Thank you for sharing your story. I've had a lot of negativity in my heart and in my mind towards AA, mainly because of the angle of turning your life over to a higher power, and that AA can be mandated by the court. I had gotten so focused on religious/political minutiae that I forgot there are people that really take something away from the program. That people are helped, and sometimes saved, by simply reaching out to someone and being allowed to lean on their shoulder, if even for a few minutes a week. I'm a struggling writer, and with this article today you've done something I've always wanted to achieve when someone reads my own work: you opened my eyes and my mind. Thank you so much for this article.
Ebert: I agree that nobody should be "sentenced" to AA.
The Higher Power is left to your definition.
One of my AA brothers shared your blog with us yesterday. Congratulations on your anniversary! I am trudging the road of happy destiny for 16 years and with continued acceptance and willingness will work on staying sober today.
My home group on Tues evening has just completed a review of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, so the issue of anonymity is pretty fresh. Tradition 12 ...reminds us that we are to place principles before personalities; tha we are actually to practice a genuine humility. This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all." Step 12 and Tradition 12 work together - we can't keep what we don't give away...and we need to carry the message of hope and recovery in a humble respectful manner. Think you have accomplished both!
Thanks, Roger... I've been a fan of yours since the 'Sneak Previews' days, but am just now discovering your talent for analyzing and interpreting the human condition. Having lost both my Mother and younger brother to alcoholism in 2005, along with de-toxing several family and friends in my home, I read this post twice. My comment: of course!
One of my AA brothers shared your blog with us yesterday. Congratulations on your anniversary! I am trudging the road of happy destiny for 16 years and with continued acceptance and willingness will work on staying sober today.
My home group on Tues evening has just completed a review of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, so the issue of anonymity is pretty fresh. Tradition 12 ...reminds us that we are to place principles before personalities; tha we are actually to practice a genuine humility. This to the end that our great blessings may never spoil us; that we shall forever live in thankful contemplation of Him who presides over us all." Step 12 and Tradition 12 work together - we can't keep what we don't give away...and we need to carry the message of hope and recovery in a humble respectful manner. Think you have accomplished both!
Buried in a Ted Kennedy story in this morning's paper: a reminder that when Joan, his first wife, joined AA -- she said she joined. Good for her.
Thanks so much for your post, Roger. I'm a longtime fan of your film criticism and other writing. I also have 1 week of sobriety today! I tried AA 7 years ago, but never got into the program. I was dry for 5 months, but was soon back drinking. This time, I'm determined to give AA my best shot, and already, I've been struck by the amount of goodwill in the meetings--people who want nothing but to help--and by how there is always something I can relate to in what others share. I'm sorry that you've gotten so much flak (much of it written as pompous reminders of the 11th tradition, as though you were not well aware that you were breaching it) from other A.A.s, but I'm sure you knew it was coming. Regardless, your post has given me encouragement in getting through another day. Bless you!
Yes, Roger. It is possible for a celebrity to be just another recovering alcoholic; but touting your sobriety at the level of press, radio and films makes it look like you think you're something special; i.e. EGO.
Please respect the Traditions, and we'll continue our respect of your journey through recovery.
Dry Date: 15 Oct 1976
Thanks for the story, and congratulations on your sobriety!
As I read your article I wondered about the temptation you’ve experienced over the past 30 years… not the temptation to drink, but the temptation to write about your alcoholism in your movie reviews. Since you often blend your own personal experiences into your reviews, was it difficult to not do this with films that deal with alcoholism (Clean and Sober, The Morning After)?
Ebert: I think I soft of did blend it in, in my own way.
Your response to the gentlemen whose friend may not go to A.A. due to the bickering regarding our Traditions:
Ebert: He shouldn't get the idea that meetings are devoted to debating the AA traditions. I have indeed violated the 11th tradition, and I take the messages about that seriously, and understand them. I am disappointed however that part of this thread has been side tracked by the subject.
My purpose was to try to introduce the program to those who might need it, and those are the last people who care about such details. I am grateful for the many positive responses, the sharing, and the honesty. On the whole, this has been a wonderful experience.
Mr. Ebert, to even suggest our Traditions are merely such details is an egregious error in whole and in part. Furthermore, I respctfully and sincerely ask how you can ascertain that a newcomer maybe the last person who cares about such details? How can you claim to know what a newcomer would care about? The Traditions were ratified in St. Louis in hopes that the program of Alcholics be protected from ourselves and therefore lovingly and humbly kept in tact for those who haven't made it here yet.
I am curious as to how many of the opinion that our Traditions are such details have taken the time to study our Twelve Concepts of World Service or our A.A. Service Manual, "A.A. Comes of Age", "Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers", and "Pass It On" in order fully understand what we belong to?
I attended an AA meeting for another addiction for several months, but felt wasn't helping and stopped going.
You've inspired me to go back.
Thank you.
Ebert: There may be meetings for your particular addiction.
Thank you, I am a member of Al Anon and I am always glad to hear an alcoholic is finding support. You are a gifted writer and hopefully will inspire others to find some serenity and much needed peace.
I've never been to a meeting, but I heard an interesting documentary about the program once in which someone had a great take on the whole "as you understand it thing." The person said "all you have to realize is that whether or not there's a God, you ain't him."
Thanks for your honesty! It's truly amazing how the program works and too "coincidental" that there was a meeting on the same floor as your Office! 30 years is quite an achievement and I'm happy that you shared it here. AA is the best thing that has ever happened to me!
Thank you! I appreciated what you said, and believe it will have a positive impact on alcoholics in and out of the rooms.
... and I love that you wrote it on my 5 year anniversary! See you in the rooms.
Roger, I stopped drinking on November 29, 1980, in New Orleans, so you beat me to the dry keg.
When I first sobered up, one of my favorite people in AA was an older woman who pointed to a doorknob whenever talk turned to the "higher power."
"When I need a higher power," she'd say, "I talk to whatever doorknob is available at the time."
I didn't understand then how a doorknob could help someone live a sober and productive life, but I sure do now after almost 29 years of sobriety and coming to terms with the realization that a God who watches over and cares for each little sparrow that falls most certainly does not exist.
I also remember an old regular in AA back in 1980 who was given a special recognition chip one night for staying sober for 27 years.
That was remarkable.
Even though I wasn't having a particularly hard time staying off the booze, I couldn't believe anyone could go 27 years without a drink.
Now it's been almost 30 years and you and I are that old guy, aren't we?
Funny how all this stuff goes around and around.
Maybe that's one of the real higher powers?
Anyway, thanks for another thoughtful blog entry that stirred up some valuable memories of many unique people I met in AA, New Orleans' style, back in the day.
Working on year 24,and still going to meetings.Always thought you were an excellent movie critic.You are an excellent writer as well and now you turn out to be one of us.I liked the change of mind by the guy who thought AA was a dangerous cult akin to Scientology.As for brainwashing, my brain definitely needed washed when I can into the program.Not saying that the program involves mind control but I definitely needed to control my thoughts, my mouth and my will.Some of us will never be controlled drinkers.So why die trying.Thanks for reaching a lot more people who need to hear the message.
Thank you! ... and on my 5th anniversary too. Happy Birthday to you as well.
I appreciate the article. It gave me a wonderful chill up my spine. AA has changed my life in unimaginable ways, and you articulated it's greatness beautifully. Thanks again.
Dear Roger, Thank you so much for sharing your story. So many people are affected by tnis disease. My parents unfortunately lost they're lives because of it and I mysel have been in AA for about 6 years in and out of rehabs until finally on May6 2007 I had my last drink. The thing Im battling for now is the part in the AA promises that says I shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I have a son that I raised by myself and in 2004 he joined the military. When his unit was being sent overseas I ended up overdosing and was in the hospital. I begged him not to go or I said Iwould die. He tried to get help from someone in the military and when he couldn't he left to come home (desertion) He spent 7 months in the Brigg because of me and now he's struggling terribly and I have had a hard time feeling so guilty. He believes he had to do it for family(his sisters) I dont know where to get help for him, but I'm so greatful for AA because I would never want to go back to that hell. Thank you for your honesty Roger. There is so much stigma attatched to alcoholism
i love your brilliant reviews and essays and i've been a big fan
since you started at the sun-times. i am an AA member, also, and i suspected you were, too, after i saw the way you handled your "spat" with the guy who directed and starred in the "Brown Bunny". he responded to your critical review with a cruel personal insult against you and you answered with kindness and understanding, even showing a willingness to watch the movie again.
(i think you even gave him a better review, citing further editing of the film from the version you saw). that is not the way i would have handled it if it were me before i came into AA. i would have hammered that guy into the stone age and used every bit of influence i had to end that rat's career.
the main thing about AA is not merely giving up booze and dope, but becoming a better person, and the principles behind the 12 steps help us accomplish this. it is suggested to us that harboring resentments against people (including ouselves) is extremely harmful and i believe this and i have been helped a lot by it.
AA saved my life, and i thank God for it.
as for blowing your anonymity, Roger, my friend, i'm not sure you did the right thing...you still have plenty of time to become a thief, murderer, jerk, etc., and the public at large might fault AA
for those failings. i will, however, stick to taking my own inventory today.
God bless you! i think you are a great guy
Hey Rog, did you see the South Park ep "Bloody Mary"? I mostly agree with their take on AA. Cult or not, the court forces you to go, AA forces a higher power on you, and if you buy into this bullshit, you get to play the victim. Screw that...
"Disciprin."
Ebert: That is simply not AA.
Mr. Ebert:
Since it is "spiritual progress not spiritual perfection, I guess you are entitled to s screwup. Even so, I would think that one with thirty years of sobriety would still respect and treasure the Traditions as I do. Traditions that have kept the AA organization intact for all these years.
I have sat next to someone with 26 plus years that went back out. I have heard several stories of people with 30+ years that have made the wrong choice. What makes you think that you are now exempt from such a possibility?
As a celebrity, many people follow your opinions and actions. Did you consider the possible harm if you someday made the "wrong choice"?
Longtimegratefulmember say "who cares if you break a tradition....?"
I would suggest that most of us might care! AA has worked just fine for millions like me just the way it is suggested in the Big Book and the Twelve and Twelve. It has been stated that the Traditions were formulated to save us from ourselves. I probably had (have??) as big of an ego as anyone. Anonymity keeps me right-sized with the reminder that I am just another "bozo on the bus". I have found that there are many ways to be of service to the suffering alcholic within the framework laid down by those that went before me.
I pray that in the future you will respect the program that has given you a life that you seem to have so richly enjoyed.
Hi Roger My name's John -Im an Alcoholic- recovering one day at a time in Scotland, United Kingdom. I'm in my 13th ear of continuous sobriety and still loving the freedom of choice once denied by alcoholism! Your blog was sent to me by my favourite cousin in Chicago - we often talk of 'the curse of the drinking classes' though she has never had an issue with booze herself! I found your blog to be inspirational,for me, and allowed me to identify my 'old self' within it. Keep on keepin on!
Hi Roger My name's John -Im an Alcoholic- recovering one day at a time in Scotland, United Kingdom. I'm in my 13th ear of continuous sobriety and still loving the freedom of choice once denied by alcoholism! Your blog was sent to me by my favourite cousin in Chicago - we often talk of 'the curse of the drinking classes' though she has never had an issue with booze herself! I found your blog to be inspirational,for me, and allowed me to identify my 'old self' within it. Keep on keepin on!
Mr. Ebert:
Since it is "spiritual progress not spiritual perfection, I guess you are entitled to s screwup. Even so, I would think that one with thirty years of sobriety would still respect and treasure the Traditions as I do. Traditions that have kept the AA organization intact for all these years.
I have sat next to someone with 26 plus years that went back out. I have heard several stories of people with 30+ years that have made the wrong choice. What makes you think that you are now exempt from such a possibility?
As a celebrity, many people follow your opinions and actions. Did you consider the possible harm if you someday made the "wrong choice"?
Longtimegratefulmember say "who cares if you break a tradition....?"
I would suggest that most of us might care! AA has worked just fine for millions like me just the way it is suggested in the Big Book and the Twelve and Twelve. It has been stated that the Traditions were formulated to save us from ourselves. I probably had (have??) as big of an ego as anyone. Anonymity keeps me right-sized with the reminder that I am just another "bozo on the bus". I have found that there are many ways to be of service to the suffering alcholic within the framework laid down by those that went before me.
I pray that in the future you will respect the program that has given you a life that you seem to have so richly enjoyed.
This entry gave me the pause I so desperately needed to introspect about my use of alcohol as a coping mechanism. I've implicitly known for a long time that I've been at the mercy of the bottle. I dealt with my feeling of helplessness the same way I addressed everything else that consternated me: I tried to drown it in booze. For some reason, being blindsided with the information that one of my heroes was also hard-wired to be inable to drink in moderation really hammered home the universal point about the inherent fallibility of humankind. During my days of youthful hopefulness I wanted to become a writer, in no small part because of the inspiration of seasoned professionals like RE. In the midst of one of the drunken stupors I've grown so accustomed to for longer than my booze-addled memory banks allow me to remember, he's the type of person I would think of as an example of admirable people who would never under any circumstances become a slave to their own weaknesses. I've fallen, just as RE did, and just as any of the other people I aspire to follow the example of would be susceptible to.
Ebert: I spent a long time knowing I had a drinking problem and refusing to consider the possibility of stopping. Or if I did stop for awhile--anywhere from days to a few weeks--I started again. I knew about AA but was afraid to go because, frankly, I was afraid to stop drinking. Miserable as I sometimes was, it was the only thing that lifted me back up (for awhile, anyway). One of the reasons I felt so damned great after my first meeting was that for the first time in my life I realized I didn't have to drink again.
By Bill Hays on August 27, 2009 1:45 PM
Reply to: Tom Dark: Bill Hays, you seem afraid of religion while proselytizing atheism like John the anti-babtist. How come? ...'cuz your warnings about AA being a "cult" sound bug-eyed.
Maybe atheism will be considered a success when we no longer have to explain this to every single person in the room.
Christianity is based on (1) a human being being a god, right out of Greek mythology (2) the dead coming back to life (3) the world ending with a day of judgment (4) demonic spirits possessing people (5) God judging people solely on their belief system rather than moral code (6) a Mythology that no one in their right mind should take seriously.
Should I go on?
---I was going to answer with a laconic "nah," for a laff, Bill, but damn, you seem uneducated for your subject of debate. I'd have corrected (1) at least by mentioning the predated Egyptian Horus or even the "Sermon on the Mount" attributed to him near-identical to Jesus' or that there were ZILLIONS of god-men, a Titanic full of 'em in India right now, not to mention Africa and elsewhere. Oh. Yeah. Plus the old fart in New Mexico.
---Or even the recent Turkish archaeological dig where they found a huge "Garden of Eden" town carbon-dated 12,000 years old, predating Christianity and the rest of them by many thousands of years, long before archaeologists even imagined anybody built anything at all, let alone those highly sophisticated structures. All six of your points are just too shoddy and could be reframed knowledgably, just as succinctly. But nah.
---Of course you especially would be crazy to believe your 1-6 nowadays, dogmatically, anyhow. But that doesn't explain your rambunctious proselytizing or why your whole schtick is to wipe out even conceptual thinking about God as an existant (you know the term "existant," right?). Why in the name of godlessness does a-dash-theism as you preach it need to be "a success?"
---That's no different from "soul-saving." You're trying to sell one cultish belief -- definable by the fear inherent in your diatribing and the lack of comprehension of your "opponent" -- in place of another. In fact it sounds like Scientism. But I still suspect some kind of childhood scare, rather than reason, for your stance. Are you like, really young?
---Oh. By the way, to somebody else: the way I heard it, "fundamentalist" in the U.S. emerged as a euphemism for the "Know-Nothings," that is, the religous political fanatics come of the Great Awakening, where cultists of the day insisted that there was nothing else to know but the Bible. To some extent our population still has a great suspicion of "intellectualism" echoing from that; a lot of individuals still consider it a virtue to avoid the near occasion of thinking and fear big words -- such as poor Armond White uses -- and they don't even know why. It's just wrong.
---I like my idea of the Muslim (or Mormon) with the finger-hammer better than what you suggested. I came up with that idea for Don Rumsfeld to get a personal handle on what "collateral damage" was -- only a big tough Marine to hammer his fingers.
---Although alcoholism isn't the only addiction in town -- as observed, the top one seems to be self-righteousness -- let's get back to that instead.
Thanks for a thoughtful and accurate description of AA meetings and how they work. My sweetie, who went to those "secret meetings" down the hall at 401 N. Wabash when you entered the program, has made several copies of your essay to share with younger relatives who show signs of needing the program. He's using your "12th Step" essay to 12th Step others.
I have to admit that I'm annoyed by some of the comments on this thread (and in the blogosphere in general) about AA being a cult or a religion. One of the things that I've learned in traveling is that althgouh there are meetings all over the world, each meeting is the same at the same time each meeting is different. Whether in New York, Paris, Winnetka, San Francisco, Salt Lake City, or Akron, all meetings boil down to one alcoholic talking to other alcoholics. Some may start with reading the Preamble while others do not; some may end with everyone joining hands and saying the Lord's Prayer while others may end with recitation of the Responsibility Statement. Different strokes for different folks.
Roger -
I am not worried about those who are zapping you on the 11th Tradition. Once someone dies and makes me God I'll criticize you uninvited, but until then, well - I know you know the Steps and the Traditions and everything else, and you're a big boy and it's your anonymity to do with what you will.
It is obvious from many, many of the comments that telling your story has opened eyes and hearts and minds in a way that a less able writer could not do. If someone needs AA but rejects it because of a false impression of the sober, recovering life - well, that one needs a true impression, which only one in the program can give.
You have broken a tradition, yes, but you also have helped ensure that when someone, somewhere reaches out for help, that the hand of AA may be there. Thank you for that.
Scott E
21 years and counting
Roger -
Congratulations on your article and thirty years in The Fellowship.
On May 24, 1972 I began my new life ...
... like you, the program is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Your friend,
John
While you may have great story, you left me with the impression that over the course for the last 30 years, you have been burdened by the many misconceptions that people have about the rooms of recovery. I get the feeling you have been dying to let it be known on a public scale for some time now. I am sad for your need to draw this attention to yourself. I am not here to pat you on the back for staying sober, its not really anyone's business that you are.
Hi roger,
I have a friend whom i've known for six years. He's recovering alchoholic for seven years. That is until about a month ago when he went back to the drinking and pain killers. I talked to him. I argue with him. Nothing seems to work. He told me he was going to aa meetings. He rarely shows up to work anymore. We have tried to help him at work but he refuses. Blames everybody else except him. I haven't seen him in over a week. I don't know what to do anymore.
Ebert: Alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. There may not be much you can do for him, except be there for him. He knows what to do.
Question: knowing the dangers of alcohol to people, how do you feel about making it illegal?
Ebert: Been tried. Didn't work. Actually led to an increase in drinking.
Roger,
Thanks for the brave recap of your worst days. I know what the 11th tradition says but if we remain totally inflexible we will go backwards. I laughed and cried as I read your article. You mentioned Grant Hospital, and in the summer of 1982 I was living in the park opposite...Oz Park. Mine was the third bench in on the left hand side. It is still there. I talked to the sister of my drug buddy who had done something strange - she had gotten clean and sober. What that meant I had no idea about but I was interested in moving up in the world - or at least getting a room at the YMCA. She sent a male friend out to see me in the park and he told me his own story of insanity. It was all about drugs and alcohol and sounded strangely like my life. I had no desire to stop those...all I wanted was a better address perhaps even with a front door! When he was done he asked if I would like to go to an AA meeting with him and of course I said I would think about it. He told me that drunks like us cross an invisible line and that we will never be able to drink like "normal" people ever again. I did a little more research that weekend and found out that what he was saying was true.
Side Note: this kind man who spent time with me carrying the message dies in his alcoholism!
On Sunday night at the beginning of August I attended my first AA meeeting at that beloved Cathedral just off Rush Street - the Mustard Seed. It was lead by Alan B and he scared the crap out of me. But I was immediately taken by the atmosphere and the hope and like you I never left and by Gods Grace have not found it necessary to take a drink or a drug since the 1st August 1982. I went back every day sometimes two or three times as I saw that this was the only hope that I had. I met my sponsor there Tom M and we have been fast friends ever since. I ran into Alan B, and St.Jimmie H,(from Yale to jail, from Park Avenue to Park bench) Henry H, Nancy H (with her mink)and Celia and Howard. It was people like these that saved my life period. They taught me how to live, be a man, a husband and a father and I am eternally grateful.
I also ran into you and your newsreading sidekick Ron M and like the guy you talked about would go and watch a late evening lead with you two and would wonder if I was watching TV or was at a meeting. I have shaken your hand and have protected your anonymity because you came across like another scared drunk just like me! I met my wife Lucy B in that room at the Mustard Seed,I served food there on Thanksgiving,and it became the center of my new life.
So Roger dear friend in recovery thanks for the words, thanks for the inspiration, and thanks for the example....am also a movie freak and still always look to see what you say. But all in all nothing you say about movies can ever be as important as what you have shared here. I put it on a par with Rollie Hemsley breaking his anonymity in 1940 and that did not bring our beloved AA down.
Olathe, Kansas 2009
Mr. Ebert:
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with us. What would happen should you choose to drink again? Unfortunately, many people would think that Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't work. Look at that man (you) who told his story and he drank again, see, obviously AA doesn't work! The traditions are there to save us from our ego's, false sense of pride and to remind us to remain humble.
It is my feeling that you are truly a good member of AA and that you only wanted to share your joy and celebrate your sobriety. Please remember, the world does not see us as we see our sober selves. The stigma still exists out there, even in my 39th year.
Love and tolerance is our motto. We all need to remember that.
God bless your spirit.
Roger:
Congratulations! I had long suspected you were a Friend of Bill, based on comments in your reviews of "our" movies (Leaving Las Vegas, Duane Hopgood,etc)! Your story is my story, and all of our stories.
Don't worry about the 11th tradition- I'm glad others have invoked Rule 62: don't take yourselves so damn seriously. You may save a few lives today, and isn't that worth it?
I have a little over 11 1/2 years sober. AA saved my life, and that is no exaggeration, and no lie. I am a physician- a neurologist- and we as physicians tend to get a lot further in our disease than others. It may have something to do with being able to prescribe our own medications, or being given more slack, or simply overindulgence in ego and pride. I tried to think my way out of drinking for years. I tried everything in my power to stop- to no avail.
I never wanted anything to do with AA, even when it was clear to me that my life was falling apart. It was the "God" thing, and the apparent insistence that I never drink again. I was a hard core atheist before I came in, and despised religion in general and Christianity in particular. I confused spirituality with religion, and I was more interested in finding the answers than in asking the questions. I was in fact, my own Higher Power- and a fat lot of good it had done me.
Now, I have a Higher Power that I mostly call God (it's easy to spell, to quote one of my friends in the program). I cannot tell you what a relief it is that, thanks to the fellowship of AA and the steps, I don't have to explain, rationalize, prove, or analyze this Higher Power. I don't have to fit God into an equation or find him on an MRI. All I have to do is accept that my Higher Power is not me, and that if I stay sober and try to practice spiritual principles in all my affairs, my life works better. Most of these go against my hard wiring: gratitude honesty, tolerance, acceptance, service. But they work...for me.
I could have and should have died many, many times from my drinking and all the attendant consequences. These 11+ years are a gift, for which I am profoundly grateful- but they are contingent, I think, on my doing something with them: trying to live a useful, productive life centered on love and service. I often fall short, since I'm human, but I have the next 24 hours to try again.
Thank you sincerely for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. It has been noticed.
Ebert: A heartfelt post. A friend of mine once told an alcoholic who objected to the Higher Power part:
"So let me get this straight. You're drinking yourself to death for theological reasons?"
Mr. Ebert,
I've always felt you have a certain peace and grace in your writing, reviews and attitudes. As one who was helped by AA and found my Higher Power, I now know one of your reasons for serenity.
I am sober 18 months and could not have done so without the spiritual nature of AA. A wise man told me to keep it simple when I admitted I didn't have a clue about what spirituality was. He said, "Spirituality is about relationships - with yourself, with other people and with your Higher Power. Be open and honest with yourself, open and honest with others and open and honest with your Higher Power. That's what spirituality is." That along with meetings saved this alcoholic.
Thank you for writing this article. If you encouraged one person to go to AA and get sober, you saved a life. You also helped educate the general public about alcoholism; that it's not just about stereotype "drunks on the streets". Many, like me, are professional, seemingly functional people whose life, and the lives of those close to them, becomes a living hell. There is a lack of understanding regarding alcoholism and your article spreads knowledge. Thank You!
Brain chemistry completely determines who you are as a human being. There is no spiritual component. It's all right there in the hardware and software.
I am no expert on this, but if you are describing genetic influence on behaviour, I know that not even geneticists would agree. The brain is apparently plastic in nature, it changes according to use. Environment, including spirituality, remains a significant influence.
Roger,
I really enjoyed reading your article. I just celebrated 30 years July 1st and am celebrating being 50 today!!! Its been a great life (although really painful at times) since I got sober. I'm grateful to be here and to have had the opportunity to know God, as I understand Him, and to participate in LIFE!!! Thanks for sharing.
Ebert: I hope readers have noticed how many posters have reported 15, 20, 30, even 48 years of sobriety.
Thanks for sharing!
I was a little confused by your post, so I called my sponsor and several other members I respect, and you generally received a warm welcome. I'm personally, not entirely sure I would have made your decision, but I'm aware that this is a personal program. We have the same disease, but we recover (through the program) differently, so I'm not going to judge.
While I might not agree or have taken the same actions, I think all the open debate arguing really detracts from the message you have tried to send. I hope many people reading, don't pick on the negative posts and be turned away from recovery.
It took several meetings and times in my life before the program worked for me, so people should not give up, every day is an opportunity for sobriety, and I am grateful for today.
There was a statement however, that concerned me. When you said
[i] "Unless I go insane and start pouring booze into my g-tube, I believe I'm reasonably safe." [/i]
By recognizing that I'm an alcoholic, and working a few steps, I realize that to ever touch a drink again would be an act of insanity. I think back to the stories I've heard and lived about desperate attempts to get alcohol, and, I really don't think a g-tube is a "get-out-of-jail" free card.
That said, by your writings, and clear illustrations and believes, I know you have a good program and have worked hard and consulted with others in writing this blog, even if not, I'm sure you will hear our opinions about it, in any meeting. =)
Thank you for your 12th step work.
A grateful member
Ebert: Well, alcoholism being the cunning, baffling and powerful disease it is, I will not make the mistake of saying that could never happen. But I wouldn't bet on it. :)
No way around it, you completely violated the 11th tradition, but at least you did do it with class and style. I have mixed feelings about publishing the article on your personal newspaper sponsored website, but hell, I have mixed feelings on many of your movie reviews. Congratulations on 30 years. I'm glad you were able to find peace and serenity.
I do uphold the traditions! but I like what you have written - and the comments. Yup, this is like a live "Open" break-out. I will comment out of my experience - this is not promotional.
A.A. has saved my life - plain and simple. On page 58 of the "Big Book," in the chapter How It Works - it reads: "There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."
I thought that was me - the unrecoverable one. I thought I would forever be caught in the abyss of this sickness (a.k.a. disease). I am now trudging down that road to happy destiny. I have hope.
I'll back up a moment. I always felt different inside - empty and directionless. I could identify with "unhappy." This is how I felt since I was a little kid. As far back as I can remember, I was a seeker, a taker, and a user. Eventually, when I got older, drugs / alcohol crossed my path - the abusive behavior would exist there too - it was inevitable.
A.A. helped me overcome my abuse of those chemicals - and more importantly is teaching me a new way of life.
Frankly, whether or not certain people consider A.A. a cult or a brainwashing society etc, that's fine by me. This is a better life - and it's getting better. I am beginning to behave differently now. We, our group of once "hopeless people", are striving everyday to see how we can be positive participants of life rather than takers.
By the way, there are only two things that A.A. ultimately asks of it's individuals.
1. Reach out to those who still suffer from this disease, give to them what was given to us [The message] - simply by showing them how it's done.
2. Be a decent person.
I Pass...
To Roger:
Thank you so much. I am always heartened, excited, and reinvested in AA when I meet another person, even if it's on the Internet, who is living in sobriety.
To the Anonymity Police:
We get it. You're mad that Roger has "violated" the Traditions. (I didn't realize traditions could be violated; only followed or not. Am I violating Thanksgiving if I don't eat turkey one year?).
Even though dozens of others have already done so, you find it necessary to offer a sneering quip along the lines of "Maybe I didn't get the memo - did they take the ANONYMOUS out of ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS?" and then copy and paste the 11th Tradition into your comment, even though many others have done the exact same thing and Roger already responded to them.
So good for you. You're a "better," more pious alcoholic than Roger and almost everyone else except your fellow dogmatic blowhards. Lord knows it's far more important to yell at people anonymously on the Internet than to carry the message or go to meetings or do service work. Well done. You win.
Your unbending allegiance to one Tradition above all others has ensured that you've ended up obscuring AA's message and scared away at least as many drunks as Roger allegedly has. Above all, your logic is airtight: If Roger relapses, then AA obviously doesn't work. Futhermore, if an alcoholic disagrees with Roger's reviews, they will also forswear AA. I'm sorry, but if Roger's adherence to one tradition is all that stands between an alcoholic and his relapse, then that person is not just an alcoholic, but an idiot.
Roger has broken his anonymity, been "set straight" for it by many before you in the modst condescending way possible, and responded in kind. Get over it.
Roger,
We in the fellowship hold the principles and traditions sacred, essentially for the benefit of our fellow man that they may share in the freedom the AA has given us. It's my opinion that your message is shared in that spirit. I have a couple of twenty four hours in the program and have come to enjoy an occassional controversy in the felowship now and then. Evolution occassionally gets a little boost from a catalyst, and sometimes it's just plain entertaining to watch. I had many good times - great times - in my drinking days but they pale in comparison to the depth of life I have expereinced in sobriety. Those times served me well for a while, but I do not miss them and would not trade living for drinking given the opportunity.
Thanks
Dear Mr. Ebert, I had no idea you were a recovering alcoholic. I am one of your biggest fans when it comes to your career, but confess I knew almost nothing of your personal life. Reading this has made me even more of a fan. You write about your experiences so eloquently, thoughtfully, and beautifully.
I come from a family full of alcoholics. Somehow the gene or whatever skipped over me, but it affected my grandfather, father, uncle, and now my sister, who's only 27. They are all still active in their disease. I struggled with my role in this family for so long, but it wasn't until I discovered Al-Anon that I found true healing and freedom. I am a pretty devout atheist, but I believe very strongly in the faith and spirituality of the 12-step programs. I think your writing here is a beautiful way to practice the 12th step. You are truly carrying the message, and I really appreciate it.
Since we're also talking about the movie connection, I thought I'd bring up "When a Man Loves a Woman," which looks at the family dynamic of alcoholism and I thought had really wonderful performances, especially by Andy Garcia and both the child actors.
Thanks again for sharing your story. It really made me stop and think about the steps and the impact they've had on my life.
Thanks for a great article. I have been sober for 11 years now and can't imagine ever going back to my old way of life. But I need people like you and the program to help me with staying sober. AA works for me. I realize that it isn't for everyone and that is fine. What works for one may not work for all. I am truly blessed and grateful for AA and people like you who share their experience, strength and hope. Keep comin' back!
I've been busy painting and so I've had to catch up.
I really don't have much to say, beyond what an albatross fame is around your neck sometimes, Roger. If it's not fan boys trying to rip you a new one, now it's disgruntled members of AA.
Sigh.
I don't think you have the power to harm the organization, or that you have done in any way. However I do think that some of its members need to stop projecting their issues onto you.
Their negativity isn't doing anyone any good.
Thank you for the most eloquent and coherent description of what AA is (and isn't) that i have ever read--by a wide margin. Glad you made the decision to write it, can't have been an easy one--and I understand the flak you'll catch for it--but i think it could be a great help to a lot of folks.
I have been sober and in AA for more than half of my life; you described the program that I know, in a voice that someone unfamiliar with us might be able to hear.
Thank You
Ebert: I just go out of curiosity.They're rarely boring.
Although, I fall into the "forced into it" category, my experience is in accord with that statement.
I had to go to an educational drug class and then pay for a class that was similar to AA or NA (I assume--because I've never attended), which tried to urge everyone--assertively giving everyone the necessary information etc. as well(and you did a great job in your persuasive urging).
But the guy for the drug class was funny, also, like a stand-up comedian--but also a decent guy. The first day of class I showed up late saying with pretension to fill the silence walking into class, "Sorry, traffic." Then later, I think, we were taking a test or just some work, and I guess I abruptly got up to turn in my paper work and the teacher jumped back in his desk and shouted, "Whoa, don't come sneakin up on a man like that!" and then started making fun of the way I came in late, "Comin in here late like you're George Bush or something."
Then in the kind other class similar to AA or NA, the guy, who I think was also a sponsor for AA, would go on and on about the pathetic ways about how drunks attempt to stay sober, which always made me entertainingly laugh, such as the truth-filled dubious attempt at soberness: "Don't go staring through the windows outside of the liquor store!" He also made other truthful observation of how, if people do manage to abstain from substance abuse, they will often relapse into another addiction, such as sex, or in the case for himself, cheeseburgers.
The Book says that our friends see the differance in us long before we do. I can see the change IN You. You look fabulous. Thanks for letting us know of your recovery. How humble. Im sure you'll be use Mightly to help others in need of recovery.
Bless you, Carolyn C
I have not had a drink for 5 days. I dont know if I am an alcoholic or not, but I have the nagging feeling that my life without alcohol would be so much better. I have friends who drink and friends who do not and are all friends. Usually I have at least two drinks a nite and if I have three I know I can continue forever.
I told myself and my husband 5 days ago that alcohol was not in my best interest.
Thank you for your insightful message and congratulations on your sobriety.
Ebert: I'm not going to advise stopping this moment. Try this. Try limiting yourself to those two drinks. If you take the third and it seems like you can continue forever, you know what to do.
Some people can't drink "successfully." I know I was certainly one. That's just the way it is.
Thank you Roger for this honest and inspiring story of us recovering alcoholics. I know you broke the tradition but I think more good than bad will come from it. Congrats on 30 I will have 4 God willing in October!
Harivansh Rai Bachhan, a Hindi poet, nationally awarded laureate and most notably the father of Bollywood megastar Amitabh wrote an eulogy to drinking rivalling in mellifluity and philosophical beauty the Fitzgerald Rubaiyyat. It is titalled Madhushala (c 1935), comprising hundredish verses, which literally means House of Honey, or simply The Tavern.
He himself never touched a drop and when asked how he could write so feelingly on the topic he had no pract he memorably replies in a quatrain:
मैं कायस्थ, कुलोधाभव मेरे पुरखों ने इतना ढाला
मेरे तन के लहु में है पिछत्तर प्रतिशत हाला
पुश्तैनी अधिकार मुझे है मदिरालय के आँगन पर
मेरे दादा परदादा के हाथ बिकी थी यह मधुशाला
Poor transliteration:
I am a stock of solid Kayasths
So double distilled by my ancestors
That in my bloodstream
Flows alcohol percent seventy five
Ancestral rights have I on the tavern's courtyard
At the hands of my peres and grandperes
Was the alehouse auctioned.
In no way making light of the ongoing mesmeric discussion on an agonising topic which puts the neon lights on the hell of substance addiction. Perhaps, as the other Indian idiot puts it , quoting Jung, it links to the deeper longings of human beings.
I haven't read through all the nearly 800 comments on this post, so maybe my point has been made already. But if it has, it should be reiterated:
It seems incredibly unlikely to me that Roger Ebert would have been subject or witness to any of the abuses that are rampant in AA, which is an unaccountable, unregulated, non-program program. In real life, it's a very authoritarian program. The old-timers aren't going to flex their muscle in the usual way. To maintain their power, they're going to befriend Ebert, rather than bully him into washing their cars helping them move.
I am loath to spend too much time on this response, because I've heard that the comments section has been closed. But, I would urge anyone who is suffering from alcoholism, and feels debilitated by their drinking, to research alternatives to AA. There are non-denominational support communities, there are therapists who reject AA. And it is just plain not true that you can't do this without AA. You can.
ftg
"I began to realize that I had tended to avoid some people because of my instant conclusions about who they were and what they would have to say. I discovered that everyone, speaking honestly and openly, had important things to tell me."
Three years after you started attending A.A. meetings, you named 'Gates of Heaven' as one of your Top 10 films of all time. Connection?
Ebert: Now that's interesting.
An enjoyable read and congratulations on having reached 30 years Roger.
If I may ask a question not pertaining to this entry: As we head into the Fall, what have been your favorite films of the year?
Personally I would say, in no particular order: Inglourious Basterds, District 9, Moon, 500 Days of Summer, Watchmen, The Brothers Bloom and The Hurt Locker.
Ebert: Okay. And some foreign films and docs.
Congratulations on 30 years.A great read that I'm grateful to see. Of course I see the 11th tradition controversy developing but this may be the first meeting for some who are in need.And so, thanks for the graceful service.
Thank you Roger very much. I have been fortunate to be around the fellowship for a few 24 hours..Its unfortunate some are focused on outing a meeting or the 11th tradition.. I know in My heart this will be a great blessing and will save lives and help many families along the way. Thank you for the courage to put it out and for the example of a life so far well lived one day at a time!!
Because of people like you willing to take a risk/chance God willing my children have never had to experience their father as a practicing annonymous
Mark
AA has saved my life & the life of millions more. Without AA my innate desire is to drink myself to death, alongside my program of recovery I strive to be the person I was born to be, not a shell of what I become when I drink. Thanks to AA I live a life that is full of joy & happiness. My friends in sobriety are family and this program has enhanced every aspect of my existence. God Bless
Well, you completely violated the 11th tradition, no way around it, but you did it with class. So, I have mixed feelings about this, much like most your reviews!
Regardless, congrats on 30 years, like many long-time readers of yours, it warms my heart that you have found peace and serenity.
Roger,
great article, good 12 step work.i have been sober for over 13 years.like you i , to was a functioning alkie/addict, who thought alcoholics were skid row bums, and AAers were cult/bible thumpers, and boring. What a shock, these people loved me until i learned to love myself,and showed me what true friendship is all about , not like all the barroom buddies i had before. They showed me a new way of life,and taught me the meaning of spirituality and having a personal relationship with a power greater then george.Sobriety takes work, and it's hard to look at yourself but AA teaches you how to overcome fear and push away from one's self. Like you i have met several people and have a tight nit group of friends that i have made as result of AA meetings. I have also attended and chaired meetings when i have traveled, i look forward to them. i was told early on that MEETING MAKERS MAKE IT, and BEND THE KNEES OR BEND THE ELBOW.
Today I, love AA and everything it has given me, people can try dr.'s shrinks and gimmics if you are sick and tired of being sick and tired AA works the big book says the only person who can talk to a drunk is another drunk.where can you go today for a buck,drink coffee,laugh,make good friends, and get help from people who understand you.Thanks for a great article again see you at Chicago open.
I have never been to AA because, despite what members' wish (I guess?) the rest of the world knows about AA and how it works. Everyone looks at the "higher power" angle and starts walking away. Why would you walk into something you think is bad? Reading all the comments that say "the traditions are there for a reason" and "thanks for breaking the rules" won't help the public image of this as a place where people go to function like human beings.
I don't know. Someone help me here. If a doctor attends AA and believes it works, can he not tell patients about it? Is that promotion? Do AA members hate the movie Fight Club? I don't get this. If people read Roger Ebert's blog because they trust and respect him, and he feels like he is writing this to his friends whom he wants to help, and even if it gets 1000 people to pursue recovery through AA, is he considered a traitor? What is this? Is this rules before humanity? Isn't that the worst part of religion?
I agree that this post will help people get involved with recovery. I don't think anyone views this as promotion except weird evangelical AA members who sound like robots on here. I think there need to be more people talking ABOUT AA, like Mr. Ebert has. Everyone in this thread saying "the traditions are there for a reason" needs to shut the hell up.
Roger,
Thank you for sharing. I've respected you as a writer and reviewer for years.
As an atheist (and relatively functioning alcoholic physician), I have to admit that you have convinced me to give AA a chance. Whether one believes in God or not is irrelevant. Those of us out of control need to realize that our own power is not sufficient. I'm impressed with the number of meetings in my area.
My wife showed me this journal post. I credit her and you for giving me sufficient motivation to become a sober person.
Ebert: There are meetings for physicians, but any meeting is the right meeting if you're ready for one. I have met priests, judges, politicians at meetings.
There are also meetings for atheists, but the important element of the Higher Power concept is that YOU are not the Higher Power.
At last!-I now know why you didn't like "Fight Club". Perhaps the movie hit the nail a little too close on the head, and perhaps it undermined the very moral foundation AA is built upon. Or perhaps, it is simply a generational gap, and you were out-of-touch with the young, space-monkeys of the 1990's. Who knows?
However, now that you have lost your voice, and you eat through a tube, what do you think of the quote: You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking khakis...
If I may be so bold to presuppose on a man I know next to nothing; it seems apt. You have lost an awful lot-and yet, you still continue to thrill us with your writing.
Namaste,
Tyler Durden
I've always been curious, but I have never had anyone I could ask (that is, an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in years), so I hope you don't take this as an offense, just plain and simple curiosity: What's your take on non-alcoholic beer? For years I used to think of it as something a sobered up alcoholic would drink when the urge for a drink got too strong, but lately I've had some when I want to have a beer but for some reason I can't. Say, if I'm taking medicine and I'm having a burger, for example.
Ebert: I never saw the point.
I really respect and appreciate that you would share this with your readers in the humanitarian hope that it would help them as well. This may just be a hunch, but something tells me you would be interested in Carl Jung - he promoted self-discovery as a method to overcome alcoholism and I believe he may have had some influence in the creation of A.A. itself. Anyway, just thought you might find his analytical psychology thought provoking.
Ebert: Your hunch is correct. Jung and Bill W. were in communication.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Jung#Spirituality_as_a_cure_for_alcoholism
I am very close to someone who spent a number of years in AA. Eventually, she left the program because she knew she would never go back to drinking (she hasn't and it has been nearly 15 years). I think she didn't like the idea of identifying herself as an alcoholic when she no longer drank. It is not that she wasn't but it was a big NEGATIVE to refer to herself as an alcoholic, especially since she struggled her entire life with issues related to her being a survivor of severe verbal and physical abuse. As I understood it, she already blamed herself for much of what had happened to her before she quit drinking. labeling herself an alcoholic, true or not, was adding another negative label to an already fragile ego. I would never attempt to invalidate another's experience and yours sounds very positive. My friend's was not. That was due, however, more to her circumstances than to the program. To this day she is leary of anyone who calls AA a cult regardless of her personal experience with the program. It is important for her to feel that the power to overcome personal adversity is within her, stemming from her own personal power. She never felt powerless, perhaps just resigned to end her life slowly. I don't know if she still feels that a power greater than herself intervened. All I know is that she feels proud of her own ability to overcome the urge to drink. It bothers her (and me) when former friends from AA assume she has gone back to drinking because she no longer attends meetings (and that does happen). I think I understand it, though. They have probably witnessed quite a few relapses. My friend still goes for a new chip every year so she has not separated herself entirely. she is quite proud of the fact she no longer drinks. AA did indeed have a role in that. I think she knows it, but she is also proud to of her own role in ending her drinking. I think she deserves that sense of pride. At 21 she had already given herself permanent liver damage. Knowing more than I can comfortably discuss here, it is something of a miracle that she is still with us.
WTF is up with the negativity being posted here. I am also an alcoholic. It has been over five years since my last drink. I would wake up in the mornings in tears & yet I would say I didn't know what was wrong with me. You know what? I got down on my knees & asked God to help me. It worked! God bless you Roger for sharing. It is helping people even as others refuse to accept this.
After further reflection, I wanted to comment about another aspect of the cult accusation.
Critics of AA invariably point to Steps 2 and 3 to back up their argument. All too often, AA members get defensive, and then the fur flies.
However, I don't think there's anything particularly religious or cult-like about Steps 4 (taking your own inventory of what you've done wrong) and 5 (sharing it with another person). If you visit a psychotherapist, you're expected to do the same. Likewise, Steps 6 (listing your character defects) and 7 (being willing to work on them) are just parts of becoming a psychologically healthy, mature human being. Is it hard to take these steps? Hell, yes. I was in talk therapy for 5 years to deal with depression before I came into AA, and the same things I had to do in therapy were in Steps 4-9.
Luckily, my therapist could see that part of my problem was booze and urged me to enter AA to deal with my drinking.
Keep up the good work.
P.S. Since others have mentioned particular movies, I've long thought that Dalton Trumbo was trying to make a point about booze in the script for "Lonely Are the Brave." What do you think?
Ebert: Very plausible. What a fine film.
To the person who wrote:
"I was taught many years ago that I was to be of service to God and my fellow man, especially the still suffering alcoholic instead of being a self congratulatory former drunk who sits around waiting for recognition at their next birthday. Try some real service work, in total anonymity, for a change."
I think that Roger Ebert has been of service to God and his fellow man, especially the still suffering alcoholic, by posting this entry. We all know drunkards, have see 'em around, possibly are one of them, etc. I don't think that most alcoholics would care two hoots about some random person's experience. But Roger... we all know Roger. We've known him for such a long time, and we care about him. So if that one person who needed to read this, read it, and took notice for the very reason that it IS Roger who went through this- and if that person is considering changing their life- then he has been of more service in this post, in his situation (not being able to speak) than in any other way I can fathom.
Also,
"By Ryan N on August 27, 2009 6:36 PM
Question: knowing the dangers of alcohol to people, how do you feel about making it illegal?
Ebert: Been tried. Didn't work. Actually led to an increase in drinking. "
According to Wikipedia, "bootlegging became rampant, and the national government did not have the means or desire to enforce every border, lake, river, and speakeasy in America."
Isn't it possible that 90 years later, things have changed in our country? What if we do have the means (although I doubt the desire) to enforce?
I was invited to a table of Saudis in Riyadh, at Starbucks, last year. One who sat across from me kept pulling out a silver flask and pouring liquid into his coffee. "What is that?" "This? Vodka. Absolute." "No, really, what is it?" "Vodka." "Come on." He let me sniff it. "Are you kidding me? What if the police catch you?" "I don't care. My father is a policeman. Want some?" He poured some in a cup for me. I looked around and hoped to Allah that no one was observing me. What was I thinking? I don't even drink vodka. I only drink a glass of red wine here and there, and am far from being an alcoholic. But there are times in that country, devoid of movie theaters, karaoke, and Whole Foods stores, when alcohol sounds like a gift from the heavens. "You like it, huh? Have some more." "Man, this is crazy. No, no, I'm too nervous." "Relax," he said, "Why don't you take it to the toilet? No problem." So we commited an under table transaction. I pocketed the whole darn flask and sweat my way to the restroom stall to take a nice swig.
Yes, it happens, even over there. People want what they want, and they find a way to get it. It is not the norm- at least, it is not something you go around talking about with your family and friends, without risk involved. The penalty is, I have just now discovered by typing in the crime I commited at the Starbucks table, and in the Starbucks stall, lashings and 3-4 months prison sentence. Phew. I am headed back there this month, and will keep that penalty in mind if ever I see that shiny flask beckoning me to momentary pleasure.
The thing that really gets to me is smoking because its second hand effects are immediate and deadly. I have never understood how it is "okay" to see 12 year old boys smoking in Saudi Arabia, given the crime that is drinking. It's hypocrisy. I am 100% for a complete ban of cigarettes. Very difficult to get away with smoking them, without someone smelling it. I commend Obama for signing a stricter law on cigarettes, but I wish he'd get really brave and ban them altogether. It's ridiculous to me, knowing all that we know, that we have these weapons of mass destruction readily available to kids 18 and older.
Roger,
After reading your post and pondering the whole idea of the 11th tradition - sure you went against it but it is "your program" and if one person is helped then it was worth it. Your sharing of course will open up many reasons for people to slam those of us who "work our program in silence" every day. Decisions are made for many reasons in our lives, you made a decision to share something about yourself that may be of service to others and also be a detriment to the very thing that saved your life. Oh well...
Hope you continue to add many more years to your recovery - one day at a time.
Dear Mr. Ebert,
Here's to another 24 hours of sobriety and spiritual evolution.
The Layers
by Stanley Kunitz
I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.
That was a great read. A lot of people seem to forget that "movie critics" can be fantastic writers. This was one of the best written pieces I've seen in a while.
And congrats on 30 years. This story moved me almost beyond words and I'm 16 and don't even drink. Congratulations, and keep inspiring us.
Actually, anyone can visit an AA meeting on DVD. Maggie Gyllenahaal attended an AA meeting in the movie "SherryBaby"; but the most memorable AA meeting on DVD is Benecio Del Toro's scene in "Things we Lost in the Fire".
Ebert said: You're not such an idiot.
I consider that high praise indeed, although I must say you have'nt met me in person Roger..you might want to change that if you do ;) Thank you very much. I like to think that small doses of daily self-deprecation keep one's stores of those two most precious human instincts replenished to capacity - humility and hilarity :)
Tom Dark said: [Thanks non-Idiot Indian]
The pleasure's all mine, least because of my small contribution and in large part from reading your erudite and often random comments. I don't think the pope knows as many interesting people as you do and he knows jesus, on a one-to-one basis no less! :D
Tom Dark said: ..a Titanic full of 'em in India right now..
LOL - Close but no cigar - we have in excess of 336 million hindu deities last time I checked and we're constantly adding more, but thanks for mentioning, it makes Indians happy to acknowledge awareness among outsiders about their many, many, many, many religions. Most Hindus are very sensible people. We have a deity by the name of Hanuman - the monkey god. Hindus literally worship monkeys, they put out plates of delectable treats for them and see them as god reincarnate. If you ask them well if this is god how come it can die from electrocution - an unfortunate consequence of the close relation of monkeys to urban dwelling - they're likely to reply, well it IS a monkey you know..duh!
I like the concepts of both Brahman consciousness and Buddhist enlightenment. Buddhism encourages critical discussion/argumentation and discourages worship by diktat. Furthermore and this I find the most amazing aspect of the Hindu tradition - Buddhism is essentially atheism, by the definitions of Hinduism and also all the other major world religions i.e. it says there is no god BUT, it got incoporated back into the nastika/atheist heterodox philosophical school of Hindu tradition. We are a very open people, the point is in a continuous spiritual seeking, your journey through existence is considered very long and we have either the Vedas to turn to i.e. the astika orthodox traditions or the nastika heterodox agnostic/atheist/philosophical traditions. In India, there is no escaping religion because even the atheist is a Hindu; religion/dharma has a very different meaning to us than it does to most of the world. Christians don't generally stand for the idea that a person can be a Christian and an atheist at the same time, same goes for Muslims, I understand it is different for Jews now, which is great. In India however, Buddhists, Jains and Carvakas/Lokayatas are all atheists AND Hindus simultaneously. The emphasis is never on WHETHER you are a theist or an atheist, but HOW you are a theist or an atheist, simple really. I am no adherent to any religion, but it does'nt stop me from admiring the reach of humanity and its desires, needs and attempts to transcend not only the earthly condition, but that of all existence.
I think Marie should like the following: the fourth Prime Minister of independent democratic and secular India was a woman and a great woman at that - Indira Gandhi. Our current President - Pratibha Patil is a woman (she's a bit cuckoo, but she is mostly a nominal head so we let her shortcomings stand). Even orthodox or theist Hindus worship the female form and consciousness almost as much as the male. In fact, in Hindu mythology the highest honour is accorded to the female form, the same as the male, as the two deities Brahman and Kali are considered variations upon the same theme (it's a little more complex than that, but generally speaking that is correct). She is the consort of the male deity Shiva "the destroyer" and is most often depicted standing on the chest of a prostrated Shiva. The west is now free from persecuting women (not entirely), we've had the Kama Sutra designed for the pleasure of both men and women for a few thousand years, hell we've even got pictures and carvings of men, women and gods pleasuring themselves and each other on temple walls; muslims get a bad rap around the world but in our country they're film stars (albeit of a mediocre film industry) and sports franchise owners and media personalities extraordinaire and generally amiable, relatively tolerant people. There are over a billion of us and we welcome anyone else who wishes to join us, the only caveat is, just be nice, life is tough enough as it is.
S.M.Rana said: ..as the other Indian idiot puts it , quoting Jung, it links to the deeper longings of human beings.
Always nice to meet fellow citizens of planet earth, especially those from my side of the Himalayas. I value what Jung said and place it in context of that oft quoted Scoratic truth "..the unexamined life is not worth living".
Speaking of Jung, one of the ideas he is also well known for is synchronicity - try this on for size, I kid you not this all really happened: I was watching the three part documentary on Jung's life entitled The Wisdom Of The Dream; each part is about an hour long, on part three I got up to get a glass of water, came back and instead of finishing watching the documentary, started reading this journal entry by Roger, went through most of the comments, and then started re-watching the documentary and while I was thinking about the god related Alcoholics Anonymous comments, the excerpt from the Alcoholics Anonymous book and Dr.Jeffrey Statinover that I quoted in my previous comment came on the screen about five minutes into my having resumed play. I then posted them in my comment verbatim, went to sleep, woke up, and went through the other comments and then looked through my film collection for something I had'nt watched in a while and chose Fellini Satyricon; it gets weirder, yesterday I watched Godfrey Reggio's Koyaanisqatsi again, on which Ron Fricke was a co-writer and cinematographer; this obviously reminded me of his tour de force Baraka, any description of which by me would be pointless having read Roger's review and subsequent canonisation of it into his Great Movies list, which is some of Roger's best writing on any film written under the constraints of a short review format. If any of you have watched both Ron Fricke's Baraka and Fellini Satyricon, watch them again because in Baraka, there is a scene in a forest clearing in which members of a tribe are performing a frenetic ritual with very well synchronised hand movements, other vigorous bodily motions and a hypnotic chant, I think it is set in Bali, Indonesia and is called the Kecak dance; now watch that part in Fellini Satyricon where the offspring of Hermes and Aphrodite, Hermaphrodite has just died under the baking sun and Encolpio has to battle the Minotaur, you will be shocked at how similar the sounds of the people laughing and cheering the Minotaur on, are to the sounds of the tribal chants in the forest. As if that was'nt weird enough, there's more, I first watched Baraka on National Geographic some five or six years ago on an absolutely monster hangover and this whole discussion has been about alchoholic excess (I called quits on booze not so long ago, probably not forever). I was nevertheless completely hypnotised by it and rang some mates up and asked them to watch it and they were just like, yeah it's just another National Geographic thing and I actually heard them flick the channel over to MTV. We don't speak much these days. I've experienced weird periods and incidents of synchronicity before, none as elegant as this one though. I hope there are many more, I'm going to cherish this one for some time to come.
As ever idiotically yours,
Indian Idiot (H.W.)
Ebert: Dear Idiot: Is it possible Fellini knew about that ritual?
Your discussion of Hindu atheists is all new to me, and fascinating. I sort of understand. I am essentially a Catholic who doesn't believe in God.
Thanks for this well-written piece. I got sober in Des Moines and still have many compadres there. One thing that I learned from AA is that God's plan doesn't include fearfulness. I'm living in Cholula, Mexico now and am thankful every day for my sobriety. By the way, when I based my movie choices on your reviews, I was almost never disappointed. Thanks again.
Hi Roger,
Earlier you mention that drunks are bores when one is sober (not to mention boors). During my youthful debauches, I used to say to friends: we are each drinking to tolerate the other's drunkenness.
I love AA- it has given me back my life...and helped me stay sober for almost 9 years now (Oct 7th, 2000 is my sobriety date). I tried other ways and failed. AA offers more than just training for abstinence. It offers a spiritual component, camaraderie, structure, experiential guidance, friendship, life skills, and a road map to living a better and more productive life. My best friends, most of them, are in recovery via AA.
As a pharmacist, I partook of "outside issues" as well. But alcohol was my true love. The drugs helped get me into the rooms quicker than alcohol alone would have. For that I am thankful.
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength, and hope.
I've written my story as well from the complicating perspective as a pharmacist with keys to the candy store. Incomprehensible Demoralization- An Addict Pharmacist's Journey to Recovery. I'm sure you'll recognize those first two words. I'd be so very honored to have you, and the other folks out there, check it out.
Gratefully...
jared combs
Roger,
Great piece! Ditto to the feelings and emotions shared. One of my favorite sayings comes from the promises, "We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us" and when I saw it in the article tears came to my eyes. After 24 years every day continues to be a miracle. I often wonder why me when I see all of the pain an suffering caused by the disease in my family. God as I understand him has kept me sober.
Thanks,
Jay
When I was forwarded your post I was very leary about the 12th tradition thing. I am really happy I read the entire piece. Cont's, Roger, on 30 years. God willing I will have 30 on Feb. 14th. Got sober in Seattle and now live in NYC with stops in San Francisco and Palm Springs. Everywhere I have been I have been comforted and supported by the AA meetings and people. And now I have wonderful friends all over the country. I am moving again (back to the town where I was born, population 600)and they have a meeting there. Because of that I know all will be well. AA and sobriety have given me everything I wanted........a life. Bless you.
Hi Roger. Thank you for your story, and congratulations on 30 years. Yesterday at a tradition meeting, my dear friend Everett told our group about your post, and I knew I would look it up; I also knew I would probably comment, because I, like many other alcoholics, seem to have an opinion about everything.
Speaking for myself, I align my behavior with the steps and the traditions of alcoholics anonymous, because I have entrusted my life to this program. For me, this is a matter of life and death. If I could have gotten sober on my own, I surely would have. I couldn't. I can't stay sober on my own either. So I take every suggestion that this program offers as seriously as life or death. As the saying goes, when jumping out of an airplane with a parachute, it's a good idea to pull the ripcord at the appropriate time; but that's just a suggestion.
As you know, our co-founder Bill was quite the natural self-promoter, but thankfully he ran many of his decisions about the promotion of A.A. by his home group prior to acting on those decisions.
What concerns me more than the article being published with your last name and photo, are your replies to comments about "what is a.a." and "what is not a.a." We don't have spokespeople, for a reason. We want to stay out of public controversy, keep our focus and passion on staying sober, and help others to recover from alcoholism.
Lastly, two years ago I attended Everett's son's funeral. He was a member of our society, too, and he drank himself to death through his g-tube.
Roger (and the "Traditions" fanatics here), I'm very curious about the Anonymous aspect of AA.
If you're an alcoholic and become sober through AA, what are you supposed to tell your friends and family when they ask you how you did it? Are you not supposed to mention AA because you have to be "anonymous"? Do you lie? Tell them nothing?
If you happen to be famous and you become sober through AA, are you supposed to guard that fact as a secret? When Entertainment Tonight asks, "How did you get sober?" is your answer, "It's a secret"?
Doesn't all this anonymity and secrecy lead to more shame? Wouldn't sharing that information help others?
I'm not trying to be sarcastic here. I'm sincerely curious.
Ebert: Your anonymity at a personal level is up to your decision. The 11th tradition refers to anonymity at the level of press, radio and television. There are some very practical reasons behind it. When asked point blank, some members might say things like, "With a little help from my friends," or "one day at a time."
Roger,
As a fellow movie-lover, recovering alcoholic, and guy named Roger - well, your disclosure certainly grabbed my attention. I just wanted to share that I respect your decision to step outside the 11th tradition and do what you must have believed was the next right thing. I respect the traditions, and do my best to follow them, just as I have found the steps and the entire AA program to be truly transformational of my life. But I also believe it is critical for each of us to follow God, as we understand him, as our ultimate authority, rather than the mandates of any program - no matter how personally transformational and effective it has been for so many.
Whatever your motivations for disclosing your AA membership and recovering alcoholic status, I hope and pray God uses your bold move to carry the AA message to many, many more who are enslaved by the merciless grip of "King Barleycorn." (As a young guy in AA, that last title has always made me chuckle.)
Ebert: I love those old sayings like, "put the plug in the jug."
Ebert: They may or may not be assholes, but at least they're sober. :)
Right to the bottom line, just like always. Way to bring it, boss. :-)
Ebert: As Siskel often told me: "You may be an asshole, but at least you're our asshole."
Thank you for using wise-discernment in being a voice that steps outside of the suggestions of the traditions.
You have the ability to reach people in a way no judge, counselor, wife, husband, etc. can do. Bravo. For many of us, straws like this go a long way in making that acceptance step and in opening the veil of “voodoo” which is what I certainly thought of AA prior to investigation.
Your story, as all others, counts.
As a fan of your writing, and a newly minted AA member, I've been wrestling with the "Step 11" issue. I ran across an article on Wikipedia that summed it up quite nicely. This also explains your distaste for the celebrity media hogs congratulating themselves on their "nobility"..in other words, you got it right.
Anonymity
Originally anonymity was practiced as a result of the experimental nature of the fellowship and to protect members from the stigma of being seen as an alcoholic. The name Alcoholics Anonymous referred to the members, not to the message. If members made their membership in AA public and especially at the level of public media, then went out and drank again, it would not only harm the reputation of AA but threaten the very survival of the fellowship. Later, as a result of anonymity breaks in the public media by celebrity members of AA, Wilson determined that the deeper purpose of anonymity was to prevent alcoholic egos from seeking fame and fortune at AA expense.[73] Wilson also saw anonymity as a principle that would prevent members from indulging in ego desires that might actually lead them to drink again. Hence Tradition Twelve, which made anonymity a core spiritual requirement for AA.
I think it's very interesting that alcoholics, like other drug users, know the date of their last drink. Roger, you indicate it was August 1979, omitting the date. You may have thought the date was not relevant to your readers, but I am sure it is to you. A few of the other commenters know the exact date of their last drink, though it was 40 years ago.
I know a judge who knows the date she last smoked a cigarette. Whenever she has a drug offender in her court trying to tell her that he stopped smoking crack (or whatever), she always asks, "When was the last time you smoked crack?" If the answer is anything like "Sometime last month" or "I can't remember the last time I smoked," she knows the defendant is lying about quitting, and sentences them appropriately. The point is, all addicts know the date they last indulged their addiction. It's an interesting illustration of just how strong an influence alcohol (or heroin, or nicotine) has in an addict's life.
Ebert: My dry date is August 17. But not until AA did I begin to get sober.
(1) Reply to: Ebert: There are also meetings for atheists, but the important element of the Higher Power concept is that YOU are not the Higher Power.
Which is why the "Higher Power concept" is essentially wrong and always destined to fail.
The decision has to come from YOU, not someone outside of yourself.
The decision NOT to drink.
(2) Reply to: MA: It is important for her to feel that the power to overcome personal adversity is within her, stemming from her own personal power.
Exactly. That's the winning path.
(3) Reply to: I think she deserves that sense of pride. At 21 she had already given herself permanent liver damage.
(4) Reply to: S: I have not had a drink for 5 days. I dont know if I am an alcoholic or not,
If you're counting the days since your last drink, you have a problem. You might not be an alcoholic, but you definitely have a problem with alcohol.
(5) Reply to: Ebert: I'm not going to advise stopping this moment. Some people can't drink "successfully." I know I was certainly one. That's just the way it is.
OK, I know the quotes are getting tedious. But much of what I wanted to say has already been posted, and I wanted to acknowledge that.
My point is, You have to pick your fights.
Look at Mike Tyson. You could choose to fight in a boxing ring as a heavyweight, but is it worth the cost? Being hit repeatedly in the head by a professional boxer?
Don't drink. Why? It's a fight you can't win. Choose a fight you can win.
I've chosen my fights. I choose to fight stupidity and dishonesty. I choose to fight the concepts of "God" and "Higher Power" and "Christianity" and "proud of being a Catholic." That was my choice. I'm told that I'm "adamant" and "becoming a fundamentalist." That's a typical tactic. I call it character assassination. They don't want to admit I'm right, so they focus on some unimportant aspect, such as the fact that I won't give up or change my mind.
Imaginary Jesus can be so real to you, you can't imagine living without him. That's an addiction.
Roger talked about how the experience of going to AA meetings changed his perspective on alcohol. I feel the same way every time I watch a church service on TV. Such a waste. So many wasted lives caught in the trap of an addiction. I'm never going to sit quietly in an audience and listen while someone preaches The Wrong Answer. That's the fight I've chosen.
Living in the Imaginary World where a Higher Power is in control of your life... is the Wrong Answer.
Ebert: You are a fundamentalist atheist. Let's face it.
If you disagree, take this test: Which is better, (1) Living in the Imaginary World where a Higher Power is in control of your life, or (2) Living in the Imaginary World where alcohol is in control of your life?
Remember, the Higher Power is "God as we understand God." That is, "God" need not be supernatural.
Roger, have you talked to your webmaster about the multiple posts? It seems as if the problem is getting worse; I think I saw one repeated five times at different places throughout the posts. Or are people cutting, pasting and reposting?
Ebert: Believe it or not, every time you hit "submit," it WORKS, even though you get an error message or blank page. I do my best to delete the duplicates.
Also, people expect to see their posts instantly, and they only get posted when I'm home and have time.
Am I an alcoholic?
Roger, I am a infrequent commenter but I've written a couple of times... I usually use my name but wish to refrain on this occasion as it's better that way. More so that other people are not in a position to identify me, rather than yourself...
I drink... never in the day, if I touch a drop before 5:30pm I get the shakes and almost fall asleep. But I do drink... most nights... 4-8 pints of beer...
My partner calls me an alcoholic... But I am sure she is as clueless as what it actually means as I feel I am.
I can go without drink... it's not a problem... I prefer not to as it helps me unwind. I don't think about drink all day... But I look forward to it when I travel home after a days work.
I sleep without it, I don't get the sweats without it... I just prefer to have it.
I'm a vocal drunk... never aggressive, occasionally moody if provoked. Mostly happy and sometimes a bit crude... More so than sober.
As an former alcoholic yourself you might be able to at least give an opinion... Although I fully expect you to say "If you are wondering if you are an alcoholic, you probably are".
I'm hoping you don't say that...
You might say nothing at all.
I'm eager to figure out whether I really like a drink or if it's something worse.
If you've any opinion based on what I've said, I would sincerely appreciate it.
Thank you
Ebert: It's not my place to say. You should decide for yourself.
Guidelines from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta says:
http://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/faqs.htm#6
Hi Roger, and congratulations on your thirty years! It has worked for me for twenty four so far. I've enjoyed your film essays for some years now - reading them is one of the few things I do religiously.
I've seen enough program language to know you were familiar with our program, and enough of your spirit and beliefs to realize you were somewhat the same person as many of my best friends in the program - and I'd say as me. To me, it's still one of the astonishing things about being in AA is that I can walk into a meeting in a strange city, sit down, and within an hour of this entirely guileless sharing of information, laughter, and occasionally tears, feel that I have gotten to know many of the people, and they me - across all the externals that would normally separate people. I can't compare this to any other life situation I've been in - and as far as drinking in a bar, forget it.
Again, only for me, our connections are the most rewarding part of our program - I guess except for saving my life. :)
Thanks for your thoughts today - I know you have done a lot of good. I have been reading your blog off and on for several months and after reading your community's (an interesting lot) comments today, I will keep coming back.
I saw 'Inglorius Basterds' last night, and it is a good movie to reflect upon our collective sobriety.
Mr. Ebert your choice to give 'Inglorious Basterds', a thumbs up, was disturbing, since you had given my post, upon a denunciation of a similar cruel tyranny, a thumbs down.
Yes, criticizing a movie and a post are quite different -- but the precedent does allow me to make these observations:
Your review of Inglorius Basterds' seems inconsistent with your criticism of my dispute with Omer, as being 'intemperate'.
We the ticket buyer expect the writer and director to give his material and the potential consequences upon an audience, a great deal more 'temperance' than one who posts a comment. Ethical standards should be met.
Any society is incorrect and INTEMPERATE to enjoy butchering Nazi LITERALLY as with carving swastikas upon foreheads, skinning scalps off hairy heads, and beating a humans brains out with a baseball bat; particularly, upon 'silly homosexuals' dressed as Nazis (yes, he did his part well, but that's why it's also wrong).
We the audience shouldn't be asked to cheer the spectacle of the literal butchering of the bad guy.
If blood lust fantasy is wanted, like intoxication, as any intoxication with AA, wrong. lt should be understood; we shouldn't take the 'drink'; perhaps, 'sobriety' should be the practice of movie makers when such subjects that deal with real historical events are made: an R rating isn't enough.
I enjoyed it, and Marie, I hope would object to me enjoying 'Basterds', just as if I were to enjoy a picture of a woman tied up naked for sexual visuals. 'Basterds' really, had no more credibility than a well made prurient porn film.
I must admit, what stylish evil those Nazi's swaggered; and that obviously homosexual Nazi 'detective' rang true to be a real part of that evil. Talk about an evil stereotype, 'ooh let's get that fag good!' But, isn't 'repression' found everywhere?
Is not the reality more broad and encompassing than that? Like monster movies of the 50's, didn't 'Inglorious Basterds' really reflect, in a collective unconscious, today's unsatisfied justice for so many horrors -- as 9/11?; But, the movie also sought a larger more multicultural audience, as in outsourcing the broad spectrum of our collective hatreds, and lust for vengence - the movie lacked humanity.
The movie even tossed in a Nazi lesbian. And, as for Jews; I don't think they should want to be included collectively in that shameful carnage porn fantasy, even if the lady in red showed compassion to her killer.
But, in contrast to the tip-toe around the tulips regarding the ideology that allowed the perpetration of 9/11 that iI alluded to in my post; we find it permissible to slaughter in the most grisly way those who murdered Jews.
Franco was our friend; wasn't he (not)? But, it'd be 'intemperate' to impugn the humanity today of all Fascists because we know it's a far more complex world, so I understand your point that I didn't sufficiently state that not all who practice Islam want violence.
But look at Inglorious Basterds: in addition to being Nazi's their slaughter is encouraged since they are 1. German (underscored with language and subtitles) 2. ,in some instances homosexual 3. wearing the Nazi uniforms.
I agree it's intemperate to insult whole groups of innocent people; but can we insult Islam, Fascism or any tyranny though? I think so.
Should a movie depicting that criticism include graphic visuals of our worst most base impulse for mayhem of the hapless practitioners? I think not. 'I don't want to go there'
Thumbs down for me on 'Basterds', and I might add; I'm not one to, too tightly embrace the oft repeated legal chestnut that 'ignorance of the law is no excuse'. The 'Reader' as a similar subject and theme was head and shoulders above this 'Inglorius Basterds' -- it seemed to me a more colorful variation on 'I Spit on Your Grave', and, I wouldn't wish that movie on you or anyone.
@Tyler Durden
I can understand how someone who effected a profound change in their life through AA would be offended by Fight Club's appropriation of 12-step meetings as a vehicle for cynical irony. There's real work done in the meetings and the concept of "tourists" that selfishly use the pathos of those with serious illnesses to make them feel better about themselves is an insult to those who have worked through the difficulty of getting sober and who continue to make what can be a Herculean effort to stay that way.
It's sort of like how Fight Club is important enough to you to call yourself Tyler Durden, and you take exception when people don't like it. Think of AA members as sobriety fanboys if it helps you understand.
(I don't mean to presume to speak for Mr. Ebert, but given this blog entry I think a little interpretation is okay.)
Dear Roger,
Thanks for this wonderful article. It caught my eye as I was looking at your site for movie suggestions, as I often do.
Today is my sobriety birthday, 20 years from Aug 28, 1989. You are a miracle, and so are the rest of us at AA. I will have a meeting today with my current sponsor, and recently called my first sponsor. He moved away from Santa Fe.
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope. I really connected with what you wrote. It is a birthday gift I treasure.
Best,
Lew
Hey Sharon, about that 5th comment from 10:34 am on the 25th of August;
It's nice that your brother got sober on Rational Recovery. Whatever works. Sure! If rational thought works for you, do it!
I go to meetings here and there besides my homegroup. My homegroup is closed A.A. and it's just for alcoholics who submit to the steps as they are in the book and we are a group that discusses our experience and that's about it. We don't study the book. We just do it and discuss our current experience on it and we question each other about stuff. It's hard core, if you will.
But I go to these other meetings from time to time and there's this counselor from the local treatment center that's sort of the spiritual guru of this place. He brings his clients to this one meeting on Monday evenings. I ask him about Life Ring, Rational Recovery, SMART, SP, and I wonder if he knows about them. He says he's checked them out and that they may be fine for the hard drinker or hard drug user, but they don't work for the real alcoholic or the real addict. Didn't the founder drink again? Oh, well in that program, they don't talk about that stuff, right? Don't want to label anybody here, right? slipper-ER!!!!!!! Sorry.
Then I asked him about secular recoveries. He said he checked that out too. Evidently, he says, all they do in there is sit around and 8!#ch about A.A.
Ebert: The founder of one of those "drinking in moderation" groups was involved in a DUI which I recall, resulted in a fatality.
I wanted to thank you, Roger, for this courageous and deeply meaningful post. I recently made the decision to stop drinking, and reading this post is honestly helping me through my first week. Again, many thanks.
Dear Roger,
Thanks for this wonderful article. It caught my eye as I was looking at your site for movie suggestions, as I often do.
Today is my sobriety birthday, 20 years from Aug 28, 1989. You are a miracle, and so are the rest of us at AA. I will have a meeting today with my current sponsor, and recently called my first sponsor. He moved away from Santa Fe.
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope. I really connected with what you wrote. It is a birthday gift I treasure.
Best,
Lew
Roger, thank you and congratulations on your journey of oh so many years. It was obvious to anyone with radar that you stopped drinking because you had to do so. So many of us are thankful that you did.
I've lived as witness to some of the alcohol nightmares portrayed in film and do not seek them out anymore. Nor do I find "funny drunks" particularly funny. We all have our intolerances. Too much family history colored in and outside the lines by the beast.
I am lucky and can enjoy a glass of wine. Sometimes two. I grew up when there were alcohol camps and pot camps. I chose the latter for those experimental days. Later I was able to learn to like wines and enjoy a glass when I want to. That doesn't mean I didn't get sick on it a few times. Dumb and punishing. I hope never to be habitual in drinking. My guess is eventually I will just have something else every time. Maybe not. Quit smoking twenty years ago next month and do not miss it other than missing the motions of it -- playing with fire and all that. Mostly I over eat and under exercise. But life is good.
My long time friend, lately my love, gave up drinking altogether some time ago. I would not be living with him now if he had not dealt with that part of himself. We both needed time alone, after my divorce from a long marriage and his relocation to my old home town. We both learned to live separately before living together. Really live. There can be bliss in solitude.
I married at 19 soon after coming out of my grandmother's custody. I had bailed on the dysfunction and forced adult action when I was fifteen. Really living alone was something of an adventure for me in my forties. I ramble on, but just sharing a little. I have more than once brought up my favorite AA advice HALT. Don't let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. That is when decision making gets risky. As the psych nurse told my teenaged daughter when releasing her from confinement. The program works when you work the program.
And it is so true. Thank you for choosing to live well and for sharing. AA was viral before we knew what going viral meant. It is the good bug. Many of us have learned from the Friends of Bill W even if we are not alcoholics.
Peter Fawthrop's anecdote of the Vodka-smuggling Saudi jibes with what I heard from a brilliant muslim who told me that furtive alcohol drinking is as common in Islam as pot-smoking is here; and that is just as traditional, as for instance Thomas Jefferson and George Washington were also pot-smokers -- and as the apparent machinations between the Hearst paper industry and J. Edgar Hoover, looking for something else to fight now that liquor was legal again, did nothing to slow it down. On the contrary. Marijuana has long become such a cause celebre owing to martyrdom, even I find it somewhat noisome.
As to Prohibition, my 103 year old friend Merci talked to me about it now and then. (She was friends with the Algonquin Table people too, Rodge; Alexander Woollcott really was an incessant talker and Dorothy Parker was "sneaky."). What she said was nothing new except that these were her personal stories -- and that she still seemed guilty about having gone to speakeasies! It was visible. I've long had enough of the junkies-of-righteousness who think it's a good idea to squeeze everybody else into the "morals" that make them miserable to start with.
As to once again outlawing liquor, good heavens, those who learneth not from history are not merely doomed to repeat it, they're doomed to repeat it "seven times seven," in biblical talk.
To our newly baptized non-Idiot Indian: The Hindu religious culture has been seeping into America for decades. If we'd like to count Thomas Jefferson and Ralph Waldo Emerson for expanding the concept of the Christian God using Brahmanic principles, we may, but most particularly, in the last century, Paramahansa Yogananda, Swami A.C. Bhaktidevanta Praphubada, to some extent Meher Baba, and to the widest extent, members of the "Beat Generation" have placed Hindu lore as a sort of Jungian archetype among a good portion of the population. You may find many Americans who are something like "subconscious Hindi" -- in jeans and t-shirts.
It is a fascinating subject to me -- and by the way I'm always delighted with my Indian Hindu correspondents. I've read that the number of Indians estimated to have IQs over 150 nearly outnumber the population of the United States. But I suspect the fact is, the Hindu religion does not broadcast the tenet that ignorance is good for you, as Christianity in its different mutations has.
As to my remark about "a Titanic full of god-men in India," of course you understand my tongue-in-cheek humor. It comes from years of meeting young Americans who have shed their Protestantism, Catholicism and Judaism for one Baba or another. It also comes from anecdotes from my Hyderabad friend who likes to entertain me with stories of the latest popular god-man or another. Some are hilarious.
Ah! Coincidences! I abandoned Jung's "synchronicity" some time ago, as it is too narrow for me. It is more fun to have a coincidence than a synchronicity. What we think of as coincidences or synchronicities nowadays were once called "omens," and they were interpreted to good use and consequence -- if Homer and Herodotus are to be believed. Despite Herodotus' histories, nobody believed there really was an Egypt until the translation of the Rosetta Stone in the early 19th C.
I see this thread has an unusual number of coincidences. A whole blog of them might be fun. I forgot to add mine: Roger, the night before your AA essay appeared, Catt and and I were engaged in a long conversation about the alcoholism in a relative, and how this came to be. Then I read a little. I happened to come on a page which now leads me to this question:
Was been reading about the exploits of the 19th C newspaper boys: like when Petey McEwen of the Examiner one day said "I'm going to do two things -- have a beer, and go to Paris." He got up from his desk, had a beer, went to Paris, came back a year later and sat back down at his desk as though nothing had happened. Otherwise there was a game of outdrinking each other and not appearing drunk. Ambrose Bierce was the champ, however, he did get himself tangled up on a big cross on Coit hill in a drunken prank. They raised it with him on it.
What's your experience with the newspaper-man drinking tradition, Roger? How much of that threw you out of kilter?
God willing, 25 years sober this year.
A book that helped me, prior to AA, was Courage to Change. It was about fancy folks who stopped drinking. It helped me. I needed to feel you could be in the mess I was in and still have some standing.
That's a roundabout way of appreciating your visibly "coming out." I think it's a good point that someone made: we hear enough about the vocal failures. I think it may give people hope, Maybe the 11th tradition could be suspended for those who have reached 30 years!
I went to A.A. not because I believed anything was going to get better, because I didn't. I just couldn't stand for it to get any worse. I was told it would get a lot better, and I didn't belierve it. They were right. I was wrong. Again. Thanks A.A.
Roger, congratulations and thank you for the post. AA didn't work for me, but a program called Moderation Management did, and I've been sober since 2001. I think each person has to find the approach that works for him- or herself and I encourage anyone who wants help to keep trying to find it. "Fall down seven times, get up eight" is the truth.
God willing, 25 years sober this year.
A book that helped me, prior to AA, was Courage to Change. It was about fancy folks who stopped drinking. It helped me. I needed to feel you could be in the mess I was in and still have some standing.
That's a roundabout way of appreciating your visibly "coming out." I think it's a good point that someone made: we hear enough about the vocal failures. I think it may give people hope, Maybe the 11th tradition could be suspended for those who have reached 30 years!
I went to A.A. not because I believed anything was going to get better, because I didn't. I just couldn't stand for it to get any worse. I was told it would get a lot better, and I didn't belierve it. They were right. I was wrong. Again. Thanks A.A.
Thank you, Mr. Ebert. After 5 years of sobriety, I thought I was done being amazed and grateful when finding out one of my heroes is also a recovering addict.
Thank you for everything you do.
Oh, oh -- forgot to mention "Fellini Satyricon" stands among my favorite films so far. It's also one of the few movies that's true to the book -- SATYRICON, by Gaius Petronius Arbiter, a Roman satirist of the 1st C. I read it. There isn't anything in Fellini's film that wasn't in the book, including the way it ends, fragmentarily. It gives me such a feeling.
The music was researched, faithful to the ancient ways. I still tap out the drumbeat from the scene where Encolpius (the "us" was pronounced "o") is on the swinging raft, trying to get his impotency cured. Like traditional Taiko drumming these days, ancient drumbeats were considered to have magical properties.
The rituals of the ancient world traveled around far more than we imagine, particularly to the "simple-faith" Christians, who may not like to hear that the Altar is a Druid invention, the robes are taken from Jupiterian priests, "amen" is an invocation of the Egyptian God Amon, aka Mammon, and on, on, on and on.
For that matter, Shakespeare's HAMLET was traced back to the Bhagavad Gita, through known migrations among the Danes, the Finns, the Indo-Europeans in between, and to Krishna and Arjuna.
Even more for that matter, 19th C. linguists removed every known influence from Gaelic and come up with "pure sanskrit."
And for that matter's matter, an Angolan linguist removed even all that and came up with Kikongo, an ancient tongue far predating the Bantu language group, many words found in most European languages. He says that Genesis was originally written in Kikongo, and "pasi!" means roughly "Ouch, my rib!" whence came the word "passion." But there comes a point where we begin to chase our tails.
And I forgot to cluck my tongue about these 336 million gods, Non-Idiot. Good Lords, so to speak. Yet the truth is, no two versions of the One Monolithic Assembly Line Christian God are alike. Quantum theorists ought give that some thought before they come out with the next generation of computers.
Roger:
Thank you. I'm long an fan your work (or at least I check your rating on movies that I think I might want to see and Rotten Tomatoes has as marginal) and I knew of your membership from hearing of your attendance in meetings in my community (gave me a great chance to counsel some folks on attending meetings here) and a program you gave on a Friday at the CWA some years ago.
I hate to add to over 790+ comments but, since so many and so much have been about the appropriateness of your use of the internet and anonymity, I thought I'd share an article I wrote about my view of anonymity on the web (http://www.36principles.org/blog/?p=81).
I would love to hear your opinion of this article, given that you've taken the path that you've gone. I'm certainly not here to criticize (or even comment on) your path.
I just appreciate that you've found the solution you've needed in the program of AA.
I have as well.
My father had 53 years of sobriety when he died in 2000. He was an atheist when he came to AA. Though he remained an atheist, AA sparked a life-long study of world religions that brought him to a strong sense of spirituality.
As a child, I felt is was unfair that I couldn't tell my friends that my parents were in AA - I thought if was pretty neat that they had the willpower to stop doing something "wrong". At my father's funeral, one of his group's members praised Dad for his willingness to go on 12-step calls any time day or night while lamenting that fewer and fewer members are as willing nowadays. I hope that is not true.
Roger, your comment about the democracy of the meetings is perfect. I attended Adult Child of Alcholic meetings and felt something postitive but couldn't put a name to it... bottom-line democracy, it is. Thank you.
Roger, you are a far-left elitist dope, but you may have just saved some lives here. Good on ya.
Alcohol was my higher power for 20 years. Try as I might, I was unable to stay sober for very long. Oh, how I tried. Was I weak? Perhaps. After all, alcohol is really but a symptom. But before rooting out the causes and conditions, I had to first overcome the denial of my addiction.
In AA I found a Group Of Drunks who knew how to stay sober, but for one day at a time. In this respect, this group was certainly a power greater than myself. Slowly, by learning to ask for help and to follow some suggestions from folks who had what I wanted (nevermind sobriety, I'm talking about being happy and comfortable in their own skin), I learned to follow some Good Orderly Direction.
With a little time, I have found that I have but a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. Each day brings me closer to my potential, of which my addiction had robbed me for so many years.
Though this is well written - it clearly goes against the tradition of anonymity. Here in LA, when people say where they go to meetings and mention people in the media (as you have with the anchor, etc.) the photographers show up and everyone in the meeting could be outed as a member of AA. People who are not seeking sobriety might attend a meeting - perhaps to meet you - could see a neighbor or friend who was also keeping their membership private - could then tell their friends and family. Those not in the program don't understand the need for privacy in these matters like AA's do. What you have written cannot be undone, but I wish there was a way you could have highlighted AA without outing yourself and inferring other people in recovery.
I have many things in my life to be grateful for, AA is the best thing that ever happened to me. I have a wonderful husband and kids, a great dog, a job in a field I love. I would have lost all of it were it not for this wonderful program. I almost did, but one day I woke up and thought, "I can't continue, I need to go to AA". That was 13 months ago. Thats a free gift.... grace if you will. I drank for 33 years, now I'm sober today. I can intuitively handle situations that used to baffle me, one day at a time.
Thanks for your well written article.
I stopped drinking over five years ago and have never looked back. The only drawback is family parties and parties with friends where everyone gets completely soused and I get to drive all of them home. I know I could stay home but these people have been my friends since I was a kid. I don't have any trouble not drinking when we are together but boy, do they get annoying after 10:00 p.m.!
Thanks again Roger for the post. Today is the 24-year anniversary of my first meeting, after 9 days of white-knuckle sobriety. I felt a complete sense of belongingness at that first meeting, and feel it even more today.
I came to realize that my compulsion and obsession to drink had been lifted from me, even before that first meeting. I know now the reason for that was a simple prayer I said in that jail cell in Burlington Iowa, in the wee hours after my last drink. I am not a religious person, but I believe in a God of my understanding and in the power of prayer.
I'm amazed and a bit saddened by the near-hysterical shrieking of some of the posters. While I have some misgivings about the disregard of Trad. 11, it seems clear from responses that some suffering alcoholics may have heard what they needed to hear.
Your own membership in our Fellowship has been a badly-kept secret for almost all my 24 years, through no fault of your own. I know someone from your employer who has not been as circumspect, and may have profitted financially from that disclosure. But we all have human frailties and shortcomings. None of us are perfect, "we are not saints."
Thanks again for the post. I believe you gave a fairly clear account of what AA is like, and what it isn't. AA will survive this anonymity break, and survive much more. In spite of its best efforts, it has become an institution.
May the alcoholic who still suffers find what he or she needs. And for those who find help elsewhere, good for you. Alcoholism is a cruel, heartless destroyer of all that is good and worthwhile. May God bless you and help me. ---KJC
Roger,
Your share moved me to tears. I've been sober myself for 4 1/2 years through the grace of God and AA. Never knew until today that you were a recovering alky too. There's a lot of truth to those silly things on meeting walls - "In sobriety, we found we know how to instinctively handle situations that used to baffle us." I still have trouble getting out of bed some days, but it's amazing what happens when you have the ability to work in terms of solution rather than cowering on the pity pot.
I've often wondered what the heck kept you from giving up over all the stuff that's happened over the last few years. But you have come through with such grace and dignity. I admire you all the more for it.
Happy 30(!!!) years Roger, and thank you.
There. I pretty much read through every comment so far. Some fascinating responses. As far as the "cult" label goes...I attended NA meetings regularly for years. Life got busy. I stopped going. A vanload of recovering addicts didn't suddenly appear in my driveway to kidnap me and force me back to meetings. The "religious" aspect...when I was going, we ended our meetings by gathering in a tight circle and reciting the Lord's Prayer. I happen to like this one, but have never been comfortable with public prayer. So what. I clasped the shoulders of my fellow addicts anyway and used the time to meditate about my gratitude. I'm not a bible-thumping Christian but I admire Jesus as a wise teacher. One of the things he said was, "God is love." What greater power is there than that? (Bill Hays will admonish me for not realizing that love is a series of synaptic reponses contained within the brain cells, but what the hell. I'm feeling brave.) And the 11th Tradition...I was gladdened when I saw the first comment keeping Mr. Ebert honest about it. By the 100th comment, especially the more mean-spirited ones, I wondered if the irony was not lost on some of them, when they lectured that submitting this article could cause more damage than good to potential newcomers and current members, that endlessly proselytizing about this Tradition does little to help either. I had a hard-ass sponsor once, because I felt I was becoming stagnant in my recovery, a real stickler for the "rules." Had the years of recovery to show for it, he liked to say. I have rarely come across a more unpleasant person in my life. I dropped him when I felt he was tempting me to relapse. Out of spite! I know, I know, principles before personalities, principles before personalites...
But that is neither here or there. Like I said, I used to attend regularly, but stopped. Now after reading this blog, I find myself rediscovering that first step again. I have no problem admitting my powerlessness over my addiction, that I can't stop using once I start, but what about the second part, that my life has become unmanageable? I look at my life, and my slough, isolation and resentments that hinder my full enjoyment of it, and I'm thinking, maybe I need to get my ass to a meeting. Thanks, Roger, and everyone else who shared. That's all I got.
I haven't read through all the comments yet, so I am sure someone has already brought it up; but AA meetings must be terrible for you with your inability to speak. Being able to share is the crucial ingredient in AA. I know that many of us aren't there to listen at first, but to talk, and the listening comes later. That's how it was, and sometimes is, for me. I have been sober for five and a half months now, and that's a habit I fall into often enough. I envy you your lack of desire to drink, though. I still think about it every day. For all those commenters who say they wish they could, they want to, they can't, or that alcohol is too much a part of their lives: go and keep going. Try a treatment program. It may take a while to get into the works of your addiction and are able to start fixing it from within, but until you are, AA will support you. Like they say, if you don't love yourself, we'll do it for you until you can.
Mr. Ebert,
To smile and cry. What a gift and what a gift you have been for so many years. If you ever feel like writing something for Writers In Treatment...I can use 300 words ( that's like a haiku for you) for a Souvenir Program we are publishing for Creativity and Recovery~~Chasing the Muse event on October 13! You gonna be in LA by any chance?
Peace and Blessings, Leonard Buschel 818-762-0461
The twelve traditions of AA mean nothing to most folks who read your blog, so i imagine you will only get approbation and praise from them. But speaking as a long time sober member, I see nothing praiseworthy about your violation of AA traditions. Yeah, 30 years is a long time, and we AAs do celebrate our sober milestones... so why spoil it by delivering a slap to the face of the very program that saved your butt?
As I will keep my anonymity at this level, I wish you the best as you mark quite a MILESTONE in life. I also will celebrate 30 years SOBER in 6 weeks, G-d willing.
Anonymity is a personal choice, but it does two things.
#1 .. it keeps any one individual from becoming an AA "SPOKESPERSON", and MORE importantly...
#2 .. For the NEWCOMER,we do offer a lot more Confidentiality, Like the Vegas bit ... What happens at a meeting... STAYS at the Meeting.
I guess it really was you that I saw at the meeting that day ! I have always read your reviews before making that decision on if I will see that movie. Yes it was the best thing I have ever done as well. I was doomed to fail and now I have hope. Thanks !
As a "normal," I have watched many friends and one spouse sink into alcoholism. Some, thank "God," have saved their lives through AA. In the process they have enriched my own life with their continued, sober friendship. I am eternally grateful for whatever magic takes place in that room. Congratulations on 30 years of sobriety.
Mr. Ebert
I have kept an eye on you from out here, walking through your sorrows and battles with grace and wishing you all the best. Little did I know that we would share the gift of AA. You have an 12 year lead, but I think August is a lovely time to celebrate being brought back from the brink of hell. For me August 14th.
This last week I was reminded what a state of grace I live in as
I stopped off at a little store to buy milk for cereal at the office. I got my little jug of milk and got in line to pay. The woman in front of me searched through her purse at the counter.. I figured she must be buying cigarettes or a lottery ticket since she had nothing set on the counter to buy. Only when the cashier handed her a pint of vodka did I notice her shaking hands as she took her bottle and left. Her truck was still in the parking lot when I left (I imagine she needed a few swigs to get her going). She drove off as I got into my car and I prayed for the woman who had to buy vodka at 7:30am. I remember the stuggle well, even 18 years later.
Your story can help so many.
Peace and Love to you...
Vicky B.
Thank you Roger,
I knew it. I have been reading your essays since 1997 or so...when I was a junior in college. I have been sober almost two years now...and in your reviews and essays there have been too many "There, but for the grace of God, Go I" statements for a person who is involved in the program to not draw the conclusion that you are one of us.
As you know, anonymity is taken pretty seriously, for the precise reasons you mentioned.
But with your diplomacy and tact, as well as your long period of sobriety, you're a good example for people. You have a platform that can provide an "attractive" solution to those who might otherwise not consider AA.
Kudos on 30 years...
and God bless you.
Mr. E.,
Really fine writing, as always drunk or sober (you're right; better sober).
Sorry that you caught the wrong meetings at Quad A (Alcoholics Anonymous for Atheists and Agnostics). It's a great group, and their meetings were home for me when I lived in Chicago; I believe in God, but I can't resist people with bad attitudes (hey, I drank at the Ale House, whadja expect?).
You could take another sample at Quad A's all-day program on Sept. 13 at the Northside Alano Club. I sure wish I could be there.
The "guardians of the program" were to be expected; the same types would come to Midtown district meetings when I was chairman and announce that we needed to pass a rule that people could only ID themselves as alcoholics, no "addict" or anything else. My reply was that my home group expected someone's identification to be as long as his comment, and we'd take anybody -- so they could refer all those people to Quad A. There would be an uncomfortable silence after that, and we'd move on -- just as all of us will move on after reading your wonderfully written piece.
The Hallmark Hall of Fame TV movie "My Name Is Bill W." with James Woods and James Garner is still my favorite.
Roger, I started watching you on Public Television when I was barely a teen. Like Lisa above, I consider you a national treasure.
Roger, my parents have been huge fans of your review for as long as I can remember. I don't always know what they think of this 12 step deal or if they can even relate, but I will forward this article to them and hopefully since they admire and respect you, it may open there minds to what we do "one day at a time", keep trudging and happy 30th, I just celebrated 7yrs down here in Preskit,AZ and they are happily retired in Racine, Wi just over the border from you. God bless and may you continue 10,11 & 12 steps on a daily basis to 40yrs!
I remembered your review of the movie SIDEWAYS when Miles tells Mia the title of the book, "The Day After Yesterday." You said that that's how an alcoholic's day feels like everyday. You probably were using your own experiences when relating to his problems. There were a couple of other observations, but a can see why you enjoyed that movie from the stand point of being able to develep empathy for the character and a appreciation.
Sheesh Roger, You haven't been shy about your personal life, to our great delight! What took you so long?
My dearest Roger, I am glad that you had the strength and fortitude to give up demon alcohol. My family has more than it's share of substance abusers and alcohol is always a welcome participant at family gatherings. I, along with at least one of my siblings, have the fortunate ability to drink to excess without suffering from hangovers. This could be seen as a defect in my family makeup and could have lead to my becoming an alcoholic myself, it has not. There must be more of us hangover-less drinkers out there.
Too bad that after so many years sobriety the ego convinced you that you are bigger and more important than our sacred foundation principle of Anonymity.
Roger,
I am a reporter in Victoria, B.C., Canada. I enjoyed your piece. A few months ago I told some of my story and thought you might be interested.
Yours in sobriety,
Bill
The road to recovery: In our marriage, only one of us made it; A personal account of alcoholism, tragedy and renewal
Times Colonist (Victoria)
Sun Mar 15 2009
Page: A1 / FRONT
Section: News
Byline: Bill Cleverley
Column: Bill Cleverley
Source: Times Colonist
It was three years ago this week.
I couldn't figure out why the cops had showed up at my office.
I had been waiting for a call from the Victoria police media spokesman that Wednesday afternoon but the fact that two cops, a man and a woman, had shown up at the front counter of the Times Colonist wanting to talk to me had me at a disadvantage.
I was even more baffled when instead of talking to me over the counter, they asked if there was a room where we could talk in private.
Once inside, it unfolded quickly. My wife Joanie, from whom I had separated some three months earlier, was dead. It was by all appearances a suicide, they said. My recollection of the specifics of the conversation is hazy. Joanie had remained in the Cobble Hill area when we separated. I had moved to Victoria. These two officers were gathering contact information from me for the Shawnigan Lake RCMP, but mostly, I think, passing on to me the fact that Joanie was dead.
They were professional, courteous and compassionate. The female officer, I recall, reminded me it was important not to blame myself.
I, on the other hand, was a mess. I had spoken on the phone to Joanie the night before. We had had words over a large hydro bill I had received for our house that she had been living in prior to moving to her own place. She promised she would take care of it. Well, she sure had done that. Unfortunately, a massive overdose of prescription pills washed down with cheap white wine takes care of outstanding bills all too well.
Statistically, Joanie's death by suicide was no surprise. There are, after all, limited options for alcoholics: death, institutions or jail.
Joanie and I had been barroom friends when we first met decades ago in Victoria -- she with her then husband and me with my then wife. That we reconnected as drinking buddies in the Cobble Hill area years later is no surprise either.
After all, that's what drunks do -- they drink. Some people break their drinking careers into three stages: fun, fun with problems and problems. We met in stage one and were well into stage two when we reconnected.
As our on-and-off relationship developed, we lurched from mini-crisis to mini-crisis: late bills, arguments, arguments with ex-spouses, bar tabs, sick days, arguments over custody of her children and six packs, hangovers, beat-up vehicles that broke down, lies, excuses, more excuses, more bills, another round.
A friend of mine calls it "life in the blender" -- people living in or with active alcoholism.
Somewhere along the way, Joanie decided she'd had enough. She began a series of tries at detox. She ultimately would hit detox so many times, she should have gotten frequent flier points.
Me, I was in denial -- way in denial. I remember picking her up once from the old detox on Pemberton Street and driving her straight to the bar.
"That's where she wanted to go," I would later say to her outraged sister in my defence. But that's also where I wanted to go and, after all, serious drinking isn't a spectator sport.
Joanie and I had separated when she first sobered up. She was living in a cramped basement suite in Victoria, taking a half-day program on sober living through Alcohol and Drug Services and looking for work. That's when my wakeup call came -- an impaired charge.
I panicked. Knowing I could be losing my licence for at least three months, I phoned work and confessed I was an alcoholic and needed treatment. They were sympathetic -- employers usually are, the first time.
I also looked up Joanie. She was the only person I knew who was sober. We soon began living together again. I enrolled in the same program she was in, followed by a 28-day residential treatment program and it would be wonderful to report that we lived happily ever after. Of course, that would be fantasy.
The truth is, I was drinking again before I even appeared in court on the impaired charge -- a charge that with the help of a skillful lawyer practised in such cases was dealt away to a lesser charge. Certificates proving I had successfully completed two treatment programs didn't hurt.
Joanie's shaky sobriety ended that time with the realization she wouldn't regain custody of her two daughters that she had lost to her ex during one of her stints in detox.
Back to life in the blender. "This time will be different" is the overwhelming rationalization. It's hard to comprehend the depth of denial that accompanies active alcoholism.
I'd been through two treatment programs, had broken relationships, an impaired charge, paperwork coming out the ying-yang -- medical documentation, employment documentation, court documentation, VISA bills -- all attesting to my alcoholism but I still wanted to believe I didn't have a problem. Alcoholic -- well maybe by definition. ... I was more of a heavy daily social drinker who went on occasional benders.
We moved back to the Shawnigan Lake area. Joanie and I and tried to hold it together.
Things really fell apart when she was off work for several months due to an injury. Her drinking increased. My anger and drinking increased at her inability to control her drinking.
Finally she had had enough and headed back to detox.
The idea was that while she sobered up in Nanaimo, I would quit drinking at home. While at the detox unit, the staff and Joanie talked. They came up with a plan. Convinced I wouldn't quit drinking on my own, they suggested that rather than me picking up Joanie and driving her home after detox, I would show up, drop off the car, check myself in and she'd drive herself home.
I didn't like this plan.
I didn't remember much from rehab, but one thing I'll never forget is a counsellor saying: "If you're here, there's a pretty good chance you're an alcoholic or a drug addict. If you ever find yourself in detox, there's no question -- you are an alcoholic or drug addict." But that's where I found myself.
Joanie and I walked into our first 12-step meeting together in Cobble Hill about 14 days later. She took to it right away. It took me longer. I still thought I could control this thing. I could admit I was an alcoholic but I had a hell of a time accepting it. But with help from others who had been there, that acceptance came.
As we sobered up, life for Joanie and me improved dramatically. There were still lots of problems. Like many who sober up, Joanie was plagued by anxiety and depression. She never forgave herself for losing custody of her girls. And we grew apart.
After a couple of years sober, I wanted out of the relationship. We had been drinking buddies when we hooked up, I argued. Now we had nothing in common. The separation was a long, painful process but it happened. Then, three months later, Joanie's suicide.
I've been to some dark places, but I still don't know how someone gets there.
There's a belief in recovery circles that no one starts to get better until they hit bottom. There's also an adage that says sometimes if you want to hit bottom you have to stop digging.
I'll always be grateful to Joanie for helping me stop.
Nothing has ever frightened me more than the prospect of quitting drinking. It was as natural an act to me as breathing. I thought my life was over -- endless weekends at Wal-Mart and hours of mindless sitcoms.
It couldn't be further from the truth. I live a life today richer than I could ever have imagined and I found it through a group of people, many of whom have become good friends, who had been there before me.
The miracle of my life today is not that I don't drink, but that I don't want a drink.
These people can help you, too. You can find them under "A" in the phone book.
Bill Cleverley is a Times Colonist reporter. His last drink was Oct. 23, 2002 Numbers you can call if you need help: Province of B.C. Alcohol and Drug Information and Referral Service: 1-800-663-1441 Addictions Services: 250-727-3544 Victoria Detox: 250-213-4441 Alcoholics Anonymous (Greater Victoria): 250-383-7744; 250-383-0415 Alanon: 250-383-4020 Narcotics Anonymous: 250-383-3553 Crisis and Information Line: 250-386-6323; Youth Line (4 p.m.-10 p.m.) 250-386-8255 Crisis Centres Province-wide (24 hours): 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
Ebert: I hope you helped some people.
Great article Roger, the best description of AA meetings that I have read, rings true to my experiences in OK/TEX meetings. Not that I am an alcoholic myself but I do love going to meetings. I often go to meetings (usually open speaker meetings but others too) with my wife who has 26 years. She tells me I'm not an alcoholic although I do drink an occasional beer or two. She watches me put a sixpack in the fridge, drink one and leave the rest for days or weeks later and she says "you're not alcoholic I could never have done that". Although I did recently drank too much, I had a bit of a hangover after my 40th high school class reunion recently. I get with those guys and revert back to my old habits everytime. (fortunately only every 5 years)
I do find meetings nearly always entertaining, drama and pathos and comedy and its real. Really real Great material for country songs, which i try to write, I always take a notepad I would advise anyone to go if you have any inclination at all to, it is not what you think, it is not sappy religious stuff although there is definitely a group spiritual feel to it. No one will impose on you, but will be warm and friendly if you want. And meetings can be very different from club to club and even at different times at the same location. If you are not comfortable at one, try others, ask around, most drunks love to talk.
I am pretty much atheist/agnostic but I don't have a problem with the God thing at all. I see the big book as using a lot of mythic language that was never meant to be understood intellectually, just like the Bible is. I personally understand the higher power as "not the ego" but a higher self, but it could just as easily be the "collected wisdom of the group" or whatever works. I personally have not witnessed the getting on knees and praying but I don't doubt that it may happen somewhere. The actual practices, the steps, of AA would be good for anyone, regardless of what problems they have. I see the stopping of drinking as a beneficial side effect, what is really going on is becoming a fully living functioning human being.
There is a book called "The Game of God" that discusses using the 12 steps of AA but substituting the word "ego" for alcohol. For example "we admitted we were powerless over our egos". They called the movement Humans Anonymous but I don't know if it ever caught on anywhere.
When I first read your article I thought "this ought to put the fun back in fundamentalism". There will be an uproar over this, but hey I think its great. Those people will be bent out of shape about something, anyway. I don't know how people can read what you wrote and think that you were doing it out of ego. Of course I don't really know you, but I read everything you write and I think I have a good sense of where you are coming from and your sense of values and I don't pick up that motivation at all. I think they may be projecting their own behavioural patterns on to you, but that's just me doing the same thing.
I am sure that many readers will find their way to meetings that would not have otherwise, only a few of which will post comments. I very rarely post comments to any blog but this was just too goo. Thank you Roger, for this article and everything else you have written.
Roger, your wonderful essay brought back many memories of my father as he was an alcoholic. I remember going to AA meetings with him when I was about 10. A long time ago, as I am 66 now. He "went off the wagon" when I was 20. He died a few years later. Let's hope your piece will help someone suffering from this disease.
Thanks for the article. It's awesome that you have reached 30 years in your journey! Congratulations! Through the grace of God and the fellowship of AA I have been sober since April 19, 2004. After 32 years of "stopping for one" I am grateful for every day that God graces me with sobriety. The fellowship is amazing. Keep coming back!
Roger,
Your story is positive reinforcement that the AA program works. Tactful and to the point. Being a staunch AA member I do take exception to the breaking anonymity stating length of sobriety as permission to do so. At what point..5 years..10 years...30 years...can others follow your lead? You may be setting a dangerous precedent.
Since this is a Friday afternoon, and I can't go anywhere because of traffic (except the 7-11 to buy Lotto tickets) let's give this a try:
Reply to: Ebert: You are a fundamentalist atheist. Let's face it. If you disagree, take this test:
Hmm. Do I have to actually disagree before I can take the test? I prefer the term "militant atheist," but I'll cop to "fundamentalist atheist" if you'll admit you're an Agnostic, not a Catholic.
Reply to: Which is better, (1) Living in the Imaginary World where a Higher Power is in control of your life, or (2) Living in the Imaginary World where alcohol is in control of your life? Remember, the Higher Power is "God as we understand God." That is, "God" need not be supernatural.
You think my answer will reveal that I'm actually a fundamentalist atheist?
While I'm thinking....
http://www.secularism.org.uk/33034.html
NSS: On August 27, 1987, when George Herbert Walker Bush was campaigning for the presidency as the incumbent Vice President of the United States, one of his stops was in Chicago, Illinois. At O'Hare Airport he held a formal outdoor news conference.
Robert I. Sherman, a reporter for the American Atheist news journal: What will you do to win the votes of the Americans who are Atheists?
Bush: I guess I'm pretty weak in the Atheist community. Faith in god is important to me.
Sherman: Surely you recognize the equal citizenship and patriotism of Americans who are Atheists?
George Bush: No, I don't know that Atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God.
Sherman: Do you support as a sound constitutional principle the separation of state and church?
Bush: Yes, I support the separation of church and state. I'm just not very high on Atheists.(end)
Atheists are used to this kind of character assassination. The Vice President of the United States - an Episcopalian, not a Catholic - tells a press conference that atheists should not be considered patriots, or even citizens. For the most part, it doesn't bother us.
What I object to... is taking a man who is near the end of his rope, and brainwashing him with the need to "create the image of a Higher Power in your Imagination."
"Now, turn control of your life over to this Imagianary Power, and admit that you can't control your alcohol addiction."
The truth is, no one can voluntarily control an addiction. The reward-response system in your brain is not under voluntary control. But neither is it under the control of an Imaginary Higher Power.
The Correct Answer is, explain how the brain chemistry works and how you can fight it. In my own case, I enrolled at the University of Michigan School of Law. At the end of my first semester, after three exams in a row, I went to an end-of-semester party at my brother's apartment. All of his friends from med school were there.
I took (some number) of drinks. I didn't keep count. I was exhausted and the party was fun. I was sitting on a couch with a young lady. I turned my head... and I threw up all over her. I had absolutely no warning that would happen. But it was, in retrospect, one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned, the hard way, that drinking can have unexpected and disasterous consequences. I no longer have the faintest desire to drink, because that memory haunts me.
The memory of that awful smell haunts me. I am so sorry for the young lady who had to wash it off her party clothes.
I know for a fact that the reward system of alcohol can be re-wired. The smell of your own vomit works pretty good.
Which is better, (1) Living in the Imaginary World where a Higher Power is in control of your life,
And my answer is, as long as this world only exists in my Imagination, I'd prefer to have alcohol in control. Because I could throw up on anyone near me and not have to worry about it.
Living in an Imaginary World where a Higher Power controls me... would be a living hell. I'll pass on option A. Permanently. Under any and all circumstances.
But...are you really excited about an Imaginary World where a Higher Power is in control?
Because.... it's an IMAGINARY WORLD. There is no Higher Power. It's only your Imagination.
When you're treating alcoholics, or people who have problems with alcohol, that isn't the time to introduce them to an Imaginary World where some "power" controls their addiction. There isn't any such power. You can't control it, but you can FIGHT it.
And then I see the Pope, who claims to be the Spokesman for the Imaginary Higher Power... and I think, "What kind of person claims to be the representative of an Imaginary Higher Power?" A person who lives in a Delusional World, obviously.
Dear Roger, thank you many times over! Your essay appeared at exactly the moment that I needed it. There are no coincidences. I wish you continued health and happiness.
Reply to: came to realize that my compulsion and obsession to drink had been lifted from me, even before that first meeting. I know now the reason for that was a simple prayer I said in that jail cell in Burlington Iowa, in the wee hours after my last drink. I am not a religious person, but I believe in a God of my understanding and in the power of prayer.
That's NOT how it works. Seriously. Prayer does not remove a compulsion and obsession to drink. All it does it postpone it for a few hours. Ask Jimmy Swaggert why he goes out at night to talk to hookers. He'll cry like a baby and say, "I have sinned." Well, yeah. And he can't figure out why?
Unless you understand the chemistry of addiction, you will continue to make that mistake.
I really wanted to reply to this one:
Reply to: By anon on August 28, 2009 11:08 AM Am I an alcoholic? I drink... never in the day. I do drink... most nights... 4-8 pints of beer... My partner calls me an alcoholic...
You're there. You don't have to wonder. If you're drinking more than 4 pints of beer a night, you're there.
Are you an alcoholic? Let's give that label to AA, and not worry about meeting a definition. Instead, let's talk about your brain and how it works.
When you take a drink, it makes you feel good.
That's a very complex process. Your brain releases certain chemicals. Call them "happy chemicals."
For the most part, happy chemicals are good. They make you happy. Can you agree with that part?
Now, what happens when you stop drinking? The brain stops producing those happy chemicals.
If you are addicted, your brain wants to keep those happy chemicals coming. So, your brain tricks you into taking another drink.
In the middle of some task, you'll suddenly think, "Boy, I could go for a cold beer right now." And the memory of drinking a cold beer, accompanied by a feeling of being happy, will flash into your mind.
If that happens to you... then, you're there.
Your brain is being controlled by the alcohol, and not the other way around.
And if you're drinking more than 4 pints a night, I guarantee that your brain is being controlled by the alcohol.
that's how it works.
Reply to: I can go without drink... But I look forward to it when I travel home after a days work.
You look forward to it? That's exactly what I'm talking about. Your partner is right. Pay more attention to her.
Reply to: I'm eager to figure out whether I really like a drink or if it's something worse.
It's something worse. 100% certain.
The amount of alcohol you drink, and the fact that you're starting to think about it when you're not drinking, is the proof.
That's how the brain works. There are no flashing lights. You don't have to fall down drunk.
The warning sign... is you start thinking that you want a drink, and that having a drink would make you happy.
Because your addicted brain is creating that thought, to trick you into going out of your way to find some alcohol to drink.
Daryll Strawberry went to a prayer meeting and told everyone his dislocated shoulder had been healed. He played half an inning, and then had to go into the hospital for emergency surgery.
You can fool yourself into thinking that "prayer" has changed something in your brain chemistry, but that's not how it works.
The next step is vital, and has to be done right now.
Stop drinking.
A week from now, when you realize that you can't stop, and your brain has started to play the Greatest Hits version of how delicious that beer would taste, you'll know I'm right. But I already know I'm right, so don't bother to tell me.
I very much enjoyed reading your essay, Roger, as I do all of your film and editorial writing. Thank you for all of it. All of the overheated rage over 'The 11th Tradition' in this thread reminds of the Zen story told by John Cage on his 'Indeterminacy' album. It fits well here.
(I'm paraphrasing)
"Two monks were walking, when they came to a stream. There, they found a young woman, waiting, hoping that someone would help her across. Without hesitating, the first monk picked the woman up on his back and carried her across. The two monks walked along for two hours, until the second monk, unable to contain himself any longer, angrily said, 'Why did you help that woman across the stream? You know we're not allowed to touch women!' 'Put her down,' said the first monk. 'I did, two hours ago.'"
Hi Roger,
Nice article. I hope it will somehow, somewhere, help the still suffering alcoholic.
However, check the wording of Step 3. My Big Book and 12x12 say: "...God as we understand Him."...not "...God as we understand God."
Ebert: Many meetings say "God." Do you believe God can have a gender?
Uh... Bill... is there a designated spokes-hitter you can bring in instead of yourself? Because while you've got everybody else's brain figured out for them, you're obviously too numb to your own senses even to recognize when you're about to throw up. So you've declared. Not being an alcoholic is no excuse for being that lacking in sensory alertness.
For that reason alone, I'd put on one of those 3-foot high hats and a cassock go bow up and down in front of a statue, waving incense -- and convert Roger too, by the sword, if necessary: 'cuz you're preaching the most sensory-deprived religious views I've ever heard. I see you are pleased to puff up and regurgitate some kind of matter that wiggles when "God" is mentioned, but not to consider responses. That's the behavior of a "True Believer."
A fellow who can't even tell when he's about to vomit. I was even used as an expert witness testifying whether a man who crashed his jeep into a wall was drunk or not, and I've never heard such a story. Only in an R. Crumb comic. Good Christ, it's Bobo Bilinski.
Your name is Bill, and you are an atheist-aholic. Tell us how you got that way.
My second actual post today. I've read thru over half the comments so I think I am getting a pretty clear idea here.
Roger, first, it's obvious that you have done a great service to many, many people with your post. Second, as a long time sober AA who has participated in many discussions of this type over the years, I knew that many members would rake you over the coals for "breaking your anonymity" in "public", and though in meetings we say that "some are sicker than others", and some of them have emerged, there are valid issues regarding anonymity.
Now, just for the majority here who know little about AA traditions or "governance", we have no hard and fast rules, no membership lists, no one in charge. Out steps and traditions are suggestions. It is disheartening, though, to see a splashy press conference or announcement by some celeb in hot water that after a 28 day spin dry program, he/she is now "cured" - a claim that is often repeated at face value by the media, and almost always followed later on by some story that AA "treatment" (there is no such thing as AA "treatment; we are a fellowship without any treatment centers or program) has failed once more.
The idea that the AA "success rate" is %5 or some other low number (thanks for the link showing a more reasonable number) seems preposterous to me. In many years, I have seen many newcomers come and go - but I have met many at their very first meetings who were clearly serious about becoming sober - not nagged or prosecuted into coming - and for the most part, these people have generally gotten and stayed sober. Just last week, one such person whom I met at her very first meeting 18 months ago picked up her 18 month chip - and we figured she was going to make it from the first meeting, she was so sincere. Most practicing alcoholics continually make and break promises to themselves and family that they won't drink again, but with the help of our program this has a good chance of becoming reality.
I also read the question about why someone would continue coming to meetings for decades - doesn't that imply a desire to drink that won't go away. Perhaps for some, but generally this is not the case. Most AA people have a "home group" which is a safe, loving, friendly environment of people we know extremely well, enjoy seeing and interacting with, and can talk thru anything. An AA group is also a place where newcomers should feel safe and come to receive help. This is why we - I guess I should say I - still go.
Roger, I appreciate your thoughts that AA is neither a religion nor a theological debating society. I'm pretty comfortable knowing that I'm not the ultimate power in the universe - quite a relief! - and not caring what, who, or if anybody else if. It doesn't bother me that I don't have any belief that such a power exists. My belief is something of a minority in the program though many people I know feel as I do.
Roger, I feel that people who have made "tradition 11 violation" accusations against you have not thought this thru. In my opinion, your post is not breaking anonymity in "press, radio, or film", or in any other mass media. Your essay is a serious, lengthy, and (if I may) sober discussion written to a community (your community) who clearly follows you and knows you. This is akin to sending out a group letter to friends. Also, from what I can see, others have already written mass media articles about your membership in AA (though I think that's ultimately irrelevant). What you have posted was intended as helpful, loving, and thoughtful, and it is all these things in fact.
Some of you who aren't AA members (and maybe some who are) may wonder how AA as an entity handles anonymity breaks such as Roger's. The direct answer can be found on Page 10 of April/May 2007 edition of AA's newsletter, Box 459:
"The P.I. (Public Information) desk writes to the delegate of the area in which the A.A. member who has broken their anonymity lives. In the case of a press break, for instance, the delegate receives a copy of the article in question, along with the suggestion that he or she send the person a gentle reminder of our Anonymity Tradition. Only if the delegate so requests does G.S.O. (the headquarter in New York City) write the letter."
http://www.aa.org/lang/en/en_pdfs/en_box459_april-may07.pdf
So Roger will be hearing from someone, but there is no punishment.
Note two things from the above. The aforementioned delegates are elected within their locales, and gather each spring in New York City to vote on policy matters affecting AA as a whole, including issues concerning outreach to the public, prisons, health professionals, etc. AA's international headquarters in New York not only has a Public Information desk, but so do most regional entities that serve the groups in a city or chunk of a state. Those who serve on local public-information committees are local AA members who volunteer their time for that purpose. Decisions about how to spread information or deal with media inquiries are made by a consensus of the AA members, not by one person. The usual goal is a factual, dignified approach that stops well short of hype or sensationalism.
Ebert: I have received a civil and kind message from a local AA representative. I'm not sure I would do all this again, but what's done is done.
Thank you for sharing that Roger.
You had alluded to a dirking problem before and said you quite so I suspected you were a boozer (as one myself I say that with no scorn) but this article is really on the mark.
I am a life long heavy drinker, in the last decade a falling down drunk. Some how I stay up long enough to hold down a job and barely pay the bills, but every day ends falling down.
I make light of it all over the Internet (most of the people who really know me do not really know, I am just the guy who drinks just a little too much) except my long suffering family. On the Internet I admit I am a jolly, Falstaffian drunk who cheerily defies the grave with a laugh and a drinking song, or a Bukowskish boozer defying the sober world, but the truth is that is only the first few hours and then, like all drunks, (the word alcoholic is so clinical), booze owns me, it always comes first.
I admit that first golden hour or two are still wondrous, when you go up and up and anything is possible (ironically this is when my most sincere promises to myself of sobriety come), and I know I am giving away all the rest of the promise of my life for those few hours of liquid bliss before the storm comes. And the storm always comes, every night now.
It is such a strange contract with death, for instance I was feeling horrible, feared liver problems, sobered up for a week, went to the doctor to find my liver and kidneys are fine but I have other problems. So how did I celebrate? By getting drunk, one last time of course. I swear it, and I meant it, sort of.
I know I am running out of last times before I meet the very last time we all meet.
I went to AA once (ordered by a judge), I was young and listened to the stories and when the 40+ year old drunks talked I thought ‘what losers, why didn’t they quite long ago?’
Now I know, I am them, and they warned me I would become them long ago if I did not stop. They warned me with love and real caring and
I laughed.
I really do not want to meet that last time drunk, unaware; I don’t want to die drowning in booze.
They are warning me still, with love and caring, and so are you Roger.
Thank you. Sincerely, and I do not do sincere much these day.
I hope I listen.
But I can't promise, I am beyond the land of promises.
Ebert: We feel we need a drink. We drink. The boozy window opens The sunshine pours in. Then the window slams closed. Sooner or later, it will smash something. As a friend once told me when we were at a bar at noon on Saturday, "Sometimes having a good time can be a real pain in the ass."
If you are still alive, and you are, there are people in AA who has a bigger problem than you do, and are sober today. They say "it works." The whole quote is, "It works if you work it."
If you read Henry I & II, you'll find that Falstaff was not always so happy, especially not toward the end.
I had just pulled out of a hotel on Rt 1 at 2 AM. I was drunk driving. My car lights were off- I apparently hadnt noticed because of the bright lights of the boulevard. I was on the road for less than a minute when a trooper from a nearby station pulled me over. He said I was swerving. I was a good suspect- I behaved very well so the troopers let me blow an hour later back at the station. I still blew a 2.3- trashed by state standards. The first thing that happened is I was offered a phone call for someone to pick me up. I declined so I was put in a cell- small dimentions- not a regular prison cell- enough room for a bunk and a place to get up and walk along side of it. I was kept up for 6 hours by my restless brain and a hopeful gangster bouncing nickels off the wall of the adjoining cell and reciting rap songs I didnt know.
The next day I was entreated from my cell to meet the magistrate. She asked me if this was my first DUI offense- I said no. I was lying- it was my second. I was let go under the condition that I not operate a car within 24 hours. I walked the block and a half from the police station to where my car had been pulled over and drove it home.
4 months passed- my lawyer put the trial off for 2 months due to a camping trip (which is where I suspect the bulk of my $2000.00 was spent, not on the trip but on the delay of the trial). On the day of the trial the Judge sat for my lawyers arguements and sentenced me to 5 weekends jail and 2 years suspended license, plus a fee.
I drove to jail in between work-weeks for a month and finally a month later a notice came through the mail that I was to surrender my drivers licernse.
I forgot to mention that I was also sentenced to 3 years probation and 40 hours community service, plus an alcohol rehabilitation program- a program based on AA- delivered through a drug testing facility in Georgetown, DE.
I figured- noone can afford to be someone else's cabbie in this economy- so I broke the rules and drove myself against the law to my community service, to my drug testing, to my AA meetings (which I lied about), to my parole officer at Georgetown. I drove without a license unknown for about 2 years.
My encounters with AA lasted for around 3 meetings in the 10 or 20 I was suppose to have attended. I would listen to their stories of tragedy and mental breakdown and sometimes I would raise my hand for a comment or two- I soon learned not to make myself too much of a target. Too much I saw myself as an observer rather than the participant in a collective. These people were down and out in a way I was afraid of.
I got everything done- I was pulled over twice- both in the waning months of my revocation- once because a trooper happened to laser my license plate as he was driving by Rt 1 (I was within the speed limit). One of the stipulations of getting your license back is having friends- mostly people you know from work- vouch for you. I had to do this twice because in the middle of my paperwork going through the first time I got pulled over in Millsboro for failing to signal a left hand turn.
I think the whole ordeal cost me close to $8,000.00. Thats just a guess. This is a true story.
Ebert: You don't feel right at one meeting, go to another. Not all members are "down and out in a way I was afraid of." Some are, some used to be. Some of the down-est and out-est are now the up-est and in-est.
The OIAA 12th Step Committee
Who We Are ... What We Do
The OIAA 12th Step Committee responds directly, by email, to people who are searching for help with a drinking problem.
Fluent in many languages, scores of AA members from around the world provide 24-hour assistance. Response time is usually almost immediate.
1. Do you want to stop drinking, but are having difficulty doing so?
2. Do you find, when you want to, you cannot quit entirely, or have little control over the amount you drink?
If the answer is YES to either question... Click
http://aa-intergroup.org/urgent/index.php
to send us a message...
Hello, Mr. Ebert.
I wrote a comment to one of your earlier blogs--under the "name" of Paper Life, I believe, which was obviously taken from the movie Paper Moon. Anyhow, you actually responded to my comment and e-mailed me. That really meant a lot to me.
I went to a 28 day rehab program and had almost made it to three months sobriety. I am sadly actually writing this reply after having snorted around 5 lines of cocaine. I am, however, planning to go back to rehab. And, this time, a long term one.
Sobriety for alcoholics and addicts isn't easy, clearly. AA is a great program. I know a reason for my relapse is because I stopped going to the meetings and never really worked the program.
Anyhow, thanks for sharing your story with the world. I believe it may just save at least one life. Your personal attention to my bit of story somewhat inspired me to go to rehab. But, in the end, I'm going back for myself. So, to make a stoned conclusion...cheers to a sober life!
Ebert: Believe it or not, every time you hit "submit," it WORKS, even though you get an error message or blank page.
Yes, but the fact there are error messages, across various browsers likely, means the problem is at your end. What would you do if you wrote out a blog, hit submit, and received an error message? Assume oh well it probably went through? Dude, it needs to get fixed.
Ebert: I just wrote to the web gods again.
Thanks so much for sharing your journey. I just want to share two of my favorite topics: gratitude and forgiveness. I have been a grateful member for over 13 years now and the one thing that has been a constant in my life has been gratitude. I began to feel grateful the very first day I stayed sober for a 24-hour period (and it was on a 4th of July, a day typically drowning in liquor), and gratitude has been a foundation for my life ever since. I am known by my friends as the "Energizer Bunny - stiiiillll graaaaaateful." I have found that no matter what life has to offer, if I stay in an attitude of gratitude I can deal with anything that comes my way. What helped the most when my husband left me a couple of years prior to my 50th birthday, after 16 years of marriage, was writing a gratitude list every night which consisted of at least 5 things. Some days the list consisted of very simple things like "grateful this day has finally ended," and "grateful I had enough to eat today," and "grateful I coule get out of bed today." On other days, my list consisted of amazing things like "grateful that I am able to shovel the snow and enjoy the quiet hush that the blanket of snow on the ground provides," and "grateful that I can travel to a foreign country, by myself, and not be afraid of asking for directions or help."
Staying in an attitude of gratitude is what allowed me to finally come to a place of forgiveness toward my now ex-husband. I realized that in order to stay in a place of gratitude, I had to let go of the burdens of resentment and anger which weighed me down spiritually and emotionally. I realized that gratitude and anger/resentment cannot co-exist in my spirit. If I was vigilant in searching daily and finding things for which to be grateful, I actually did not have much time left over to go to that place of anger/resentment. I just could not stay grateful and be angry at the same time. Most of the time, gratitude won, hands down. It takes very little energy to remain grateful, whereas staying angry or resentful took too large of a toll on me. I found that I could be grateful and still have plenty of energy left over for participating in my life and all the amazing things it had to offer.
My ex has now been gone from my life for 7 years, and for that I am grateful.
Gratitude can be a state of mind, an emotion, an attitude, a condition of the soul, a prayer (if you will). I find that after writing in my gratitude journal, I feel as if I've just taken a very deep breath and released it ever so slowly. A feeling of peace always comes over me while I'm "journaling my gratitudes." Thanks for letting me share and may your HP continue to heap blessings upon you.
(If you only walk on sunny days, you may never reach your destination.)
Roger - I have been in recovery uninterrupted since November 6, 1981 - I so enjoyed your "story" - one of recovery - After 30 years of recovery - I see how in your story "underlying" - is one of hope and one of a "better" life by "doing the next right thing" and of course "suggested" made by the program or one's sponsor. We know how those suggestions are - they are "you better" - if you want what we have - which is a life of not drinking. I got from your story one that "shared" my life is full and enriched because you made the decision to get "help via the AA program" - with your health issues - it makes the story much more of a reality that no matter what "GOD, the Great Spirit, or whomever one prays or does not pray to" gives you to deal with - you can deal with "it" without any mind or mood altering "things" - liquid or other forms.
I sincerely THANK YOU for "staying" SOBER and paving the way for us folks that came in after you. I will celebrate 28 years of sobriety - I came into this program at age 25 years (yes my drinking career) spanned only about 7 years (but as you know - it is not how much you drink or drank - it is what the drink did to you and/or took away from you). Sincerely and with much adoration - you give us hope that one can "die" SOBER no matter what happens to them on their journey.
You're a good man Roger. I always liked you, you're an honest and thoughtful writer. You've probably helped hundreds of people with this single blog. So what if you broke the rules? I think that after thirty years of observance you've earned the right to bend them this one time, especially given the light that you're in a unique position to reach out.
As for AA, I've known about it most of my life and think it's a good thing. Sure, sometimes it's flawed, and it's success rate isn't that good, but it works better than just about anything else. As for the G-O-D "thing", I'm an atheist and think that belief in a higher power is good for the soul. Only the dreariest, unimaginative, placid, joyless, bore walks around thinking that what he can see and touch is all there is.
I've seen the program do lots of good for people. A great many of my family are friends of Bill. I've got French/Irish ancestry, sprinkled with a little American Indian, so you can only imagine how my genes are like little booze magnets. Luckily, I've never had a problem with alcohol or drugs, and I very specifically use the word "luck" because God knows that it isn't willpower. Not to mention that I have had every other symptom of your typical alcoholic: Huge and fragile ego, no self-confidence whatsoever (the ego substituting for it), massive anger issues, the inability to deal with other people's "sh!t". Some days I too would lie in bed with the sheets over my head wondering how I'd make it through the day without letting everyone get to me. I seriously believed that one day I was going to knock some rude little bastard straight the f*** out. I quit more jobs than I can name and alienated more people than I care to remember.
It took me a while to accept a simple fact. It wasn't "them", it was me. I was the rude assh*le stresscase that couldn't let things go. I was the one that caused almost every single problem I experienced. I was my own worst enemy. Not them, me.
Others have pointed it out in the talkback, but it bears repeating that alcoholism is a symptom of a larger disease. I never had the symptom of drinking or drugging, but I sure have the disease.
In a way, it would almost have been better if I had been a drinker. Then I would have had somewhere else to turn to. In the end I was able to crawl out of the hell I'd buried myself in, but it took me years to teach myself the important lessons: To slow down, to not worry, to not take myself seriously, to listen instead of talk, to pop that egotistical balloon that was keeping me high and mighty. I'm still working on boosting the self-confidence, which has dissolved into the ether since the ego's no longuer running the show. Just writing here sometimes makes the little devil of insecurity in my mind go: "Oh, nobody wants to listen to what you have to say jackass!" but every day, and in every way, I get better and better. Which is what's important.
I'm truly happy and well adjusted now for the first time in my adult life. The only real regret is that the last two years, I have had writer's block like you wouldn't believe. Before I could write 10 pages a day no sweat, now I'm lucky if I can do that in month. Know what though? It's worth it. At the very least I have peace of mind. That, as you know, has no price. Still, some days I miss that energy.
Ebert: If you're happy for the first time in years, who needs to write 10 pages a day?
I know..easy to say.
Well, like you say, I am not here to argue whether God/god has a gender, or not, because I have no idea. In fact, I have no idea if God even exists. But I do beleive in a power greater than myself...as I understand him/her/it.
Simply, it is my belief that we should not be rewriting the Big Book or the 12x12 to fit our own personal beliefs, or prejudices, or sense of "political correctness." I think this is a dangerous step in the wrong direction.
Ebert: You win. I'll change it.
30 years is a long time between drinks! Perhaps this article will launch a new understanding of AA such as the article written by Jack Alexander in The Saturday Evening Post.
Roger i enjoyed your article (I also always enjoy your movie reviews). I always missed the social aspect of drinking more than the actual alcohol. A.A. has always been a good replacement for that. I don't know but it seems the same for you.
मुझे पिलाने को लाए हो इतनी थोड़ी-सी हाला!
मुझे दिखाने को लाए हो एक यही छिछला प्याला!
इतनी पी जीने से अच्छा सागर की ले प्यास मरुँ,
सिंधँु-तृषा दी किसने रचकर बिंदु-बराबर मधुशाला।।..Bachhan
You bring me this driblet of wine!
You show me this tiny cup!
Better 'twould be to die with an ocean of thirst !
Who gives me a river for thirst
And offers this droplet of a tavern ?
To the man who asked "If you haven't drunk for 30 years, are you an alcoholic?" I have this to say. Eighteen months ago I was diagnosed with diabetes. My doctor gave me three options: a. pills, b. pills and probably eventually insulin, c. diet and exercise. I said, "Send me to a nutritionist." After 18 months of strict low-carbohydrate diet and exercise, I regularly receive blood tests of a "normal" person. Do I now risk my health by quitting my diet because I'm no longer receiving positive readings for diabetes? Am I still a diabetic? I know the answer because I'm also 28 years sober through AA. Without the discipline instilled in me by the program I would have elected pills, like my father, and probably eventually progressed to insulin, again like my father. AA gave me more than sobriety. AA gave me a new life.
Ebert: I am not diabetic, but I am a believer in the Pritikin Program, and I know it has had success with getting or keeping diabetics off of insulin. If you afre not yet on insulin, gthis is a godo gtime to start It is not crackpot alternative medicine, but soundly backed up by research. The most valuable aspects, for me, are the lectures, which are not self-help bullshit but delivered by doctors, scientists and nutritionists.
The Pritikin Longevity Center is in Aventura, Florida.
http://www.pritikin.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=section&layout=blog&id=6&Itemid=65
@ Bill Hays,
Bill, I dont think you are really `getting it` re the fundamentalist label you are being increasingly being tagged with.
In short, fundamentalists tend to end up ostracized, marginalized to the sidelines of discussions (hows that for redundancy in a sentence) or just ignored completely. Which only fuels the fundamentalists conviction of the ignorance of society in general and bellows the flame of his righteous indignation. Sort of the opposite of the Marx brothers joke `i would never belong to a club that would have me as a member` (i think karl wrote that one). I digress. But fundamentalist approaches do not persuade people, they alienate them. So whats your objective? To infuse a serious discussion with useful insight or to keep the flames of indignation burning within and impress upon yourself that you are impressing others of your intellect. God knows this must be the last frontier as a medium for your sort of diatribe, where you dont have to watch the rolling of the eyes and the polite creation of bodily distance when you start `educating`.
And I guess what others are trying to alert you to is that you are starting to come across as transparent, and not impressive, and rather a one trick pony or a banjo that plays only one note. And eyes are rolling, though you cannot see them.
And I would never, as much as I may seek as much as the next a roll in the hubris occassionally just for the hell of it, deign to instruct someone with an addiction on how they should or should not be confronting it, particularly least of all on the dogmatic grounds you offer, since I have no experience neither with carrying an addiction nor dropping one. It comes across (to me) as a lazy, pointless intellectual exercise.
A final word of encouragement, if you are going to play the same song over and over, mix it up a bit, add a different verse here and there, a different approach, different style - at least make it intentionally entertaining. And, know your bounds, if not for propriety, then just for the sake of maintaining good humour.
As an outsider to A.A., I can't help but notice how many (though not all) of the critical e-mails here wield the concept and code-speak of Shame and Guilt very heavily. It makes their message fly against the face of what humanistic psychology and general scientific and gender advances have given the world in the last 70 years.
You CAN be too rigid, people.
Personally I believe this article did me a world of good.
Bill Hays,
Salvation is a participational process, and information alone is not going to do it; so, no one here is going to be able to convince you with text alone or you yourself, which basically is to say the cliched, "Don't knock it til you tried it", with emphasis on YOU and your own doing in openness and reception because what the Resurrection is is a symbol of the unique individuality that is transformed only by personal participation.
Just two problems (or one problem, and one question) with this entry: I am a smoker, and have been one for many years. I can't tell you how many "ex-smokers" I have run into, who tell me they "quit" the nasty habit. Turns out that most of them were "social smokers" in college years, who now pat themselves on the back for having "quit smoking." They were never truly hooked. They skew those statistics we all see about "ex-smokers," because they never really were. Was Roger really an alcoholic? Can't tell, not from what he writes. He might have been simply a "problem drinker."
My question is for Roger. Stephen King is a favorite (much-maligned) author of mine and, of course, many other readers. King wrote a book called "On Writing," in which he talks about his drinking (and drug) probleems, how he conquered them, and how his life has improved. Good for him. But ... bad for his readers. When I think of my favorite King books, they are ALL from his early, drinking period (The Shining, Carrie, The Dead Zone, Cujo, etc.). His decline, and inferior work, began once he sobered up (Insomnia, The Regulators, etc.). Do a bit of research, and you'll see this isn't restricted to King; many creators lose that spark once they sober up. (I'm a Twins baseball fan, and I think of a gung-ho, leader of the Twins named Gary Gaetti who played third base, led them to a title in 1987, sobered up, found God ... and promptly fell apart as a player and locker-room presence.
So, my question for Roger, the film critic, is this: don't you agree that alcohol (and drug) abuse has resulted in some of the greatest American achievements? And are you really "an alcoholic"?
I confess I drink too much, and you can say I'm looking for justification ... but facts are facts.
Ebert: Oh yeah, I'm really an alcoholic, all right.
I can think of artists who did their best work after getting sober. Also many who fell apart as drunks. Also some drunks who thought they were artists.
Hey Roger E.
Congratulations on 30 years.
I just got 8 years this July. The title of my life could have been "Each Dawn I Die". But today, because of A.A., I have a chance at real serenity, and purpose in my day to day living. Now, "It's a Wonderful Life".
Thank God for A.A..
Jimbo
Culver City, CA
Congrats on 30 years. Gene Siskel would be proud of you. I was in a car that got hit by a drunk driver. It wasn't pleasant and I think people who drink and drive are some of the worse people on earth. They don't care who they hurt. I can't go to AA. Just don't want to listen to the people sharing their messed up drinking problems. I only drink beer and I would like to quit but having a job that I have actually makes me depressed and a few beers a night helps me relax and makes me feel better. Thanks for sharing your AA story and for being a great film teacher and allowing me to watch all those films with you and Gene and Roy, Nick and Dann in the screening room in 1994-1995.
cheers,
geoff
I knew it! Your reviews (esp. Trees Lounge) always showed a deep knowledge, as well as respect, for the alcoholic. It warms the heart to read your story, because as you know, these stories don't always have a good ending.
You must have been especially strong to do this in 1979, while living in Chicago, and being a journalist. From what I've read, it was a badge of courage to drink all night and then work all day.
It seems strange to call Mike Royko, the best writer out of Chicago (sorry), a wasted talent, but imagine what he could have done in his later years had his hangovers been worse!
I'm also surprised that nobody has referenced Neil Steinberg's Drunkard, a real-life story about a Chicago columnist who went through his own alcoholic hell. Highly recommended.
Thank you Mr. Ebert for years of good reviews, your service, and just plain good writing. Sincerely, Dewane V. (sober three years - thanks AA)
Hello Roger. I read your article/blog, and I wonder how on earth you can justify breaking your anonymity in such a blatant and self aggrandizing manner/ You got sober in 1979. Then you should know better. I got sober quite a long time before that, and in those days people really respected the anonymity of this fellowship, and for good reason. The clue is in the name, Alcoholics ANONYMOUS. I remember in 1976 there were a lot of astronauts and celebrities that broke their anonymity and it did not do anyone any good, except perhaps massaging their own fragile ego's. Please reconsider your stance on this, you could easily have used the first initial of your surname, and eschewed showing your photograph. You may be know to people in the U.S. but for us in the rest of the world we would have no clue (or care) who you are, or think you are. I know I am not going to be making myself popular for saying this and I take no pleasure in it, but someone, has to say NO.
Keith J-M
Clevedon, North Somerset, England.
Tom Dark,
How did you ever guess that Saudi anecdote was mine? It was "Fawth-cough-cough" in order to protect my anonymity (as well as a pun on my hatred of smoking,) since I will be returning there this month and have now confessed to illegal activity. It wasn't enough to call me a racist on the Armond White thread. You want me lashed and imprisoned as well, huh? :)
PS. I hadn't even mentioned the time a Saudi tricked me into eating a cookie baked with hash. I had never touched a drug in my life, and for it to be Saudi Arabia of all places... He got nothing but the cold shoulder from me ever since. "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it.
I'm bothered by all this talk of ego, as though ego is something that cannot be given voice. First, there are precious few actions which can bolster the ego quite so much as the delivery of a good scolding. It's a jolt to the old limbic system, too. I suppose this is where one should seek first to understand the nature of these particular scolds.
Second, the ego is not an appendix -- it cannot be removed nor completely subsumed. The pursuit to do so (or, more precisely, to have someone else do so), strikes me as an unattainable...well, I can't really call it an ideal.
As a heavy drinker who has dallied with the notion of seeking help, I'm bothered not by Roger's writing (which I found poignant and truthful), but by a few of the more withering responses. If I do seek help, it will have to be in an environment in which such attitudes have not taken over the room. I'll take the word of Roger and many of the other thoughtful posters here that there are many such places.
RDS said: Any society is incorrect and INTEMPERATE to enjoy butchering Nazi LITERALLY as with carving swastikas upon foreheads,
skinning scalps off hairy heads, and beating a humans brains out with a baseball bat; particularly, upon 'silly homosexuals' dressed as Nazis (yes, he did his part well, but that's why it's also wrong). We the audience shouldn't be asked to cheer the spectacle of the literal butchering of the bad guy.
You know RDS, Woody Allen once said that if the entire human race were to perish for the crimes that were committed against the Jews
during the holocaust it would be justified. Without condoning or condemning Allen, I can understand exactly why he would say that. The instincts of the Nazis exist in all of us, had you been in Germany during WWII it is likely you would have been one of the Germans who used the innocent bystander defense, you might even have been one of the many, many army officers who claimed he was merely following orders from high on above, for "the greater good of the german state". What's more, we the world, stood by and watched knowing such inhuman cruelty was being executed upon innocent people. Majority of the Jewish population of the world was decimated, not in a matter of hours, days or, weeks but months and years. Do you know what the word holocaust means? It means an all consuming eternal fire that ravages everything. This is why the Jews chose to thus name this horrific period in their history, because they felt and were ravaged. You know what one of the few holocaust survivors had to say about the holocaust? He said that we could'nt tell you what the holocaust was like, because we managed to survive it and that if you really wished to know what it was like you would have to commune with its dead victims. I am paraphrasing that quote from the five part film Broken Silence, a viewing of which might do well to temper your view of any film made about the holocaust and Jews in general. If we cannot all die as retribution for the past crimes of other human beings, we can do the deceased the justice of suffering little pains like watching a film which forces us to face our past collective apathy and the horrors that grew in its shadow. You ought to realise that by not wanting to watch the (literal? are you for real guy? it's a film!) "butchering of the bad guy", it
is you who by extension becomes the bad guy. No one is asking you to cheer the savagery on display, that is a decision that you
sub-consciously made based on past experiences and have arrived at almost entirely by yourself. Oh, and by the way, I have'nt watched the film yet and I do like Tarantino, so thanks for ruining those parts for me without so much as a warning. You're not supposed to enjoy a film like this, it is supposed to make you THINK. GODDAMNIT. THINK. I support this and any other film which directly or indirectly seeks to inform and educate the world about human errors such as this to explain the gravity of which neither words, nor images, nor sounds can ever be enough, nevertheless we must try because such were these crimes as can never be allowed to be repeated and that can only happen if we never forget. It is unfortunate that in my first interaction with you I have asked you to pipe down, but I feel pipe down you must.
An example of a bad film of this kind is Beyond Borders in which the personal tragedy of two individuals, supercedes the collective tragedy of those living out the horrors daily, something which is simply not possible; so it looks like it is pure fiction pretending to be a realist dramatisation of actual events. This is why The English Patient is such a great success. It takes two indiviuals, puts them in a similar environment of great tragedy and convinces us that here personal tragedy has indeed exceeded the collective by making the personal tragedy a reflection of the collective. Fiennes and Scott Thomas represent the tragedy that is to be human, all too human; it shows us that not only must we suffer personal pain, we have to sit back and watch others suffer too and ask what is it all worth really, what does it all mean? and answers that by giving us Hana.
deep breaths - 1 mahatma gandhi.. 2 mahatma gandhi..3
To Tom Dark -
I don't personally see or have any trouble with anyone having the occasional doobie. Many mystics recommend it as highly assistive to
meditation and they've also been known to tell a good joke or two :) Why, your own president has admitted to having 'inhaled' as a youth
and look at what he has already accomplished in addition to what he is trying to accomplish. Yes, Hindu religious culture has definitely been exported to a lot of places outside of India, especially America and look at how you repay us, with McDonald's, Transformers I & II and Britney Spears. I jest, most of existence appears to be quite cyclical and India appears to be re-emerging from a long hibernation from arab/moghul invasions and anglican colonisation and we're bound to want the comforts and luxuries which our western counterparts have long enjoyed, just as you wanted our spices, tea, silk and other textiles when we were flourishing. Thankfully, medieval violence appears to have lessened considerably. I forget who it was but I'm sure it was a literary figure of some import who said something to the order - that to us from afar, India appears a land of mysticism and holiness, of course when you get there and see the squalor that the common man lives in, you realise that they want your Ford motor cars, shopping malls and variety entertainment etc. The grass is always greener on the other side, the solution to this paradox lies in the observation of how much business is conducted between the two sides, in our case a lot; in your case perhaps not so much. I'm thinking of someday writing an essay titled 'India: the up-beat generation' which focuses on how we are in a sense becoming slaves to our newly gained independence, a phenomenon that I think is to a certain extent mirroring the historical example of America. I knew about the various god-men/Titanic comment and mentioned our 336 m., because us Indians, we are self-important folk that like to bang on our own taikos, or in our case tablas :) Every religion has great things to offer and among several others the one I found most useful to my culture from Christianity is the superb adminstrative skills it appears to have fostered in its most devout adherents. As you get to know me more you'll probably realise that most of my thinking draws often and heavily upon hermeneutics of suspicion, synchronicity is interesting but not absolute. The only absolute I'm willing to even consider is the possibility that there may not be such a thing as an absolute :)
On Hamlet being traced back to the Bhagavad Gita, I think that that is conincidence because the literary corpus of Shakespeare suggests
that he was more than capable of coming up with this version of the 'hero in crisis' all by himself. It is an archetypal image: for example, one could argue that early cave paintings were instances of artistic dramaturgy with practical connotations viz., the hunter is the hero in crisis and the artist devises these scenarios where beasts are primarily wrathful, therefore worshipped and then through the various processes of thought, action etc., the hero learns to overcome the superior, the overcoming in the Nietzschean sense being the ultimate objective, along with the acknowledgement of the need for the wrathful beast, tamed by our sensibilities I would add. I mention this because we (Indians) cannot lay claim to any great achievement; whatever observable greatness there is, is that of humanity, life, existence; I am certainly of the opinion that the conception of gods and its various antitheses are certainly one of the many crowning glories of all human beings. There are many theories on the one root language, not one of any of them is uncontestably objectively verifiable and as you say there comes a point when we just begin to chase our tails. The West has had some spectacular (if somewhat unmodulated) achievements too, primarily in the materialist fields, but also in meta-physics with such a long list of deserving luminaries from Derrida all the way back to the ancient Greeks.
I have'nt read the Petronius version of Satyricon, though long have I wished to, it is next in line after Tristram Shandy (so a long way off), the film I like and I'm sure I'll re-visit it again, to try and unearth hidden treasures. I must stop soon because I fear I'm beginning to sound like Martin Dysart! I don't think it is as relevant whether there are two or, two billion entirely homogeneous or completely contradictory interpretations of the Christ godhead, as the dissemination and adoption of the various interpretations of it. You see, I think that one of the possible reasons why Hamlet fails where Arjuna succeeds is that Hamlet's faith in the divine is based in a uniform monotheistic god; yes, Hamlet is a thinking character, but how he learned to think was probably in a fashion characteristic of royals, i.e., the best knowledge about the best god; whereas Krishna, Arjuna's counsel and the embodiment of divinities manifest has an entire pantheon of divergent, contradictory ideas rationalised step by step to draw upon.
If someone bases their faith in Christ in a Spinozian or even to a point in a Kierkegaardian vein, I would find it difficult to disagree with them on the basis of faith alone; if they appeared open to discussion on language and linguistics, I could throw them a couple of Wittgensteinian curveballs, of course it would seem like there's hardly any point to it, them being religious and Wittgenstein refuting or vigorously questioning at the very least, our reliance on language upon which all oral and literary traditions are based; but I would counter it with this - a creature develops eyes, sees the sun repeatedly and gives it a name, it then comes to the reasonable and quite reliable conclusion that the sun will forever appear to rise and set in 24 hour cycles, given cloudless skies; but unless this creature observes a solar eclipse, it will forever assume the sun to be a supremely infallible celestial body. So it is up to us to try to gently disabuse ourselves of our idiocies, sometimes it is down to luck, but mostly we have to keep looking at the sun, which is both tedious and risky. Nice talking with you. Good times.
Ebert: Dear Idiot: Is it possible Fellini knew about that ritual?
Your discussion of Hindu atheists is all new to me, and fascinating. I sort of understand. I am essentially a Catholic who doesn't believe in God.
I'm sorry Roger for losing it a bit with RDS, I hope you can understand why, given that only last year a synagogue was targeted by pakistani extremists in Mumbai and in addition to the other fatalities an innocent child was orphaned for no reason whatsoever other than being descended from Jews. I tend to get impatient with people who don't stop to think before they open their mouths or, press submit. I think this is partly because as most people are, I used to be one of the people who would do that (I still do it, but less and less of it) and hope that a reprimand from me or anyone could perhaps set the other person straight.
I don't know if Fellini knew about that ritual, I mean he made Satyricon well over two decades before Baraka came out. I don't know if he was well travelled, he was obviously very well educated and like Tom said these things have an uncanny way of getting around. Based on his past work, I think it is entirely possible Fellini knew about it, he certainly appeared to have a curiosity about such things as is evident from the whole ritualistic dance sequence in the nightclub at the beginning of La Dolce Vita, during and before paparazzo's camera being seized from him, just prior to Maddalena's entry into the scene. Then there's that scene in the church where Steiner says, before playing Tocata and Fugue in D Minor by J.S.Bach, famous for the Christian influence in his work "we're not used to hearing these sounds anymore. Such a mysterious voice, it seems to come from inside the earth". Then there's that scene at Steiner's house where the English woman expounds on poetry and Steiner is roped into playing his tape of the sounds of nature, the sounds that lurk beneath the society that we have conjured up for ourselves, the unmistakeable sounds of our history..I guess in a way you could say Satyricon was the counter point to his films like I, Vitelloni and La Dolce Vita, by baring the savage barbarism of antiquity he holds up a mirror to the artifice of hierarchical social complexities born out of the recent existential crisis; after all what were the sixties and pop culture and all those revolutionary ideas but an attempt to shake off the horrors of WWII? Italy was heavily complicit as a fascist ally to Hitler and Fellini probably had a heavy conscience about that. He mirrored WWII in ancient pagan Rome which is bound to induce terror in the staunchest soul. I don't know..I think I'm rambling now and have probably repeated a lot of what you've already said about these films.
On Hindu atheism: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astika
is as good a place to begin as any. The amazing thing like I said previously, is that we don't have a particularly strong notion of heresy, even nominally, therefore those committing it cannot be excommunicated since by extension, excommunication is virtually non-existant. We had no holy citadel speaking as the voice of god, people sought out god for themselves in the manner that they saw fit and if they did'nt find god they found peace in that too and set up humble institutions around that. There was no conflict, but vigorous debate. I have all the tendencies of an atheist but refuse to call myself one, because it makes me uncomfortable. It is'nt that I'm afraid of Bertrand Russell's teacup, but afraid of the embarassment I should be caused if through some quantum, cosmic coincidence the teacup were actually found to be up there floating around in the shape and form of a star/black hole/whatever really..I know about Pascal's wager, it does'nt worry me, it amuses me :) Every time I have spoken to a devout Christian about god and my thinking that god probably does'nt exist, you can see the terror of hell and hellish images in their eyes when they ask "but what if god does exist?" to which I have often responded that if god does exist do you think god actually gives a toss about whether you blaspheme? Is that how small you would choose to make god? I admire your being a catholic atheist. I agree in large part with Dawkins, Hitchens, Sam Whatzisface and their type, what I take issue with is the tone in which they tend to say things that very much deserve to be said, because it takes away from their point and is kind of silly. Also, they want to end all religion; this is childish naivete, for those who profess evolution as a central pillar of their philosophy they should know that there's no ending it, it'll just evolve into something else. Painting pre-dates religion, the first cave paintings of hundreds of thousands of years ago were just a serious of vague dots; we don't really need painting these days what with digital wizardry, but it still exists and has occupied different genres and niches. We could do away with all religions, but the religious aesthetic is not going away anytime soon. Both gods and their opposites are beautiful concepts and we do ourselves a disservice by being so reductive about both.
There's an English physicist by the name of Peter Russell, who places far greater stock in the ancient Hindu scriptures the Upanishads than I do and has written a book about them. He has also lectured at TED Talks, has a philosophical bent of mind and is interesting to listen to. He speaks on subjects like evolution and provides a counter-balance to the materialist view of other more prominent members of his fraternity. I'll just come out and say it, it's New Agey stuff but an interesting and informative read if for nothing else to learn a bit more about Hinduism. He has definitely got some very useful things to say about the benefits of meditation and how to meditate. His scientific claims seem a bit flakey but he does'nt make any outrageous claims, only ones that marginalise him in the scientific community somewhat. There are lots of very good rational atheist scientists in his position.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Russell_(author)
I'm sorry, I do go on and on once I get started. I'll stop now.
Until later,
Indian Idiot (H.W.)
Perhaps a discussion of the mechanics involved in hypnosis might be able to reconcile some of the 'Disciprine!' / 'Just quit!' commenters' grumblings with the idea of a higher power a little.
The ego, the portion of the self that is involved with a personality's everyday attributes; its quirks, habitual thoughts, approach to other people, life, values etc is situated very immediately, in time, in our conscious minds. This position is necessary for our functional dealing with everyday life as it occurs, but it also influences the extent to which a person can extend themselves; growth and change are not immediate. Occurring as processes in time, the ego, if it's healthy, allows flexibility in our concept of ourselves, and our potential for change and growth. These processes occur through, and from portions of the self not so immediately focused in time. When the ego allows these portions of the self to appear, interesting, spontaneous potentials in a personality bleed through into our awareness and activities.
The ego can also learn to accept symbols, keys, rituals and triggers that will allow these portions of the self, spontaneous and affirming, to 'come through'. Creativity, and 'creative people', musicians, writers, artists, have often described their own triggers, rituals, symbols that ALLOW THEMSELVES access to these abilities of the self, seemingly confused, distorted and stifled by the ordinary ego-consciousness. Alcohol and drugs have undoubtedly been part of these rituals that the ego accepts. Despite the obvious physiological changes, relaxations, stimulations that substances create , and the great pieces of music, writing, art that has been made while their creators have been in those states, the substances becomes a symbol, a key to that state, a natural portion of that personality. When the symbol, the ritual appears as being divorced from that person's sense of what they can accomplish without a substance, you occasionally have problems with substance abuse. The process is the same when a person believes he needs a drink to relax, be spontaneous, enjoy the company of other people without the stifling, immediate clutter of his everyday mind, its insecurities and quirks being in such acute focus.
The ego also allows other extensions and abilities when it is impressed, and forgets the limits it can normally rigidly impose upon the self. Hypnosis, seeks to exploit this. The novelty and mystery of the process itself occasionally will impress the ego sufficiently to accept and act on a suggestion it receives in this pacified state. Other times the authority of a practitioner will be enough for a client's ego to allow his suggestions to work freely through the self. The removal of the ego's usual application of limits on the self, temporarily, and the application of suggestion has produced amazing results. Studies on the 'placebo effect', I believe are one example of this, the abilities of the self working, unimpeded, in an empirically measurable way. The authority of the doctor, the framework of medicine itself, is enough to impress away the unaware ego's usually accepted limits on the possible, at least, enough to create real changes. (Interesting article: http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19926701.600-why-the-placebo-effect-is-rewriting-the-medical-rulebook.html).
Suggestions can work on the personality, its habits, even its inclinations and impulses in the same, definite way. Whether the formal procedure of hypnosis is needed for a person to accept a suggestion, an idea about themselves, and what is possible for them, or not, the key is that temporarily the ego is subdued, impressed, or otherwise convinced to allow the self these extensions.
These mechanics, as they are, when compared to (and I hope this doesn't sound too clinical) the mechanics of faith are very similar. Faith requires a temporary (or sometimes permanent!) suspension of doubt, and all the other characteristics of the ego's eagerness to limit and define potentials. Hypnosis, in the same way requires a temporary suspension of those same characteristics of the ego. The idea of religious surrender is also linked here. Surrender, and its therapeutic qualities have long been portrayed and discussed through literature and art. Whether to a god, in an earnest confession, in prayer,to a lover, or a moment, the suspension of the usual frame of mind, the ego's usual frame of mind, surrender has long been seen to have profound effects on a personality.
Ramble, fluff, ramble fluff. My point (I hope) is that even if you an atheist, there are certain undeniable psychological mechanics going on in any effort of personal transformation and change. When a person finds it effective to 'just quit', or to impose 'discipline' on themselves, and they're successful, that's fine, they have successfully seized the power of their own self without any need for a 'higher power'. But there was still, for the time being, a faith required in that self, in that process for it to have been successful. Faith in what was possible for that person, and a faith resilient enough to withstand the ego's familiarity with its own habits spurning a relapse. Those pressures are occasionally very heavy, and ineffective to be left as the sole responsibility of the ego.
That South Park episode's gripe with the 12 step program was that surrender encouraged a 'victim' type personality, helpless and powerless over it's own problems. If your higher power, god or otherwise is seen to be already divorced from a 'pathetic' self, this may very well happen, in discounting your own potentials and abilities. If your higher power is affirming of the self, even a god of which you are a valid and recognised portion, and this is intuitively obvious to you, then that 'victim' personality does not appear. It makes a person no weaker, or 'deluded' to accept and surrender to a higher power. A creative atheist might even see that higher power as a portion of themselves, a psychological structure composed of their best intentions and an awareness of their potential, and choose that to surrender to. And I'm sure it's still very effective. I am not conventionally religious, but I am not an atheist, and I would hate if this were to sound like me believing that modern psychology can 'explain away' religion and its views on relationship between man and god. Especially when so many religious rituals seem to have 'struck upon' what seem to be health-life affirming, psychologically sound principles, and a long, long time before modern psychology.
Indian Idiot (H.W.) wrote on August 28, 2009 7:27 AM
"I think Marie should like the following: the fourth Prime Minister of independent democratic and secular India was a woman and a great woman at that - Indira Gandhi. Our current President - Pratibha Patil is a woman (she's a bit cuckoo, but she is mostly a nominal head so we let her shortcomings stand). Even orthodox or theist Hindus worship the female form and consciousness almost as much as the male..... Muslims get a bad rap around the world but in our country they're film stars (albeit of a mediocre film industry) and sports franchise owners and media personalities extraordinaire and generally amiable, relatively tolerant people. There are over a billion of us and we welcome anyone else who wishes to join us, the only caveat is, just be nice, life is tough enough as it is."
India is a truly fascinating country. I've never been there myself, but here on the West Coast (ie: Metro Vancouver area) we've been able to enjoy some of what it has to offer courtesy of a vibrant East-Indian population; ie: wonderful spices, sari fabrics, restaurants (butter chicken!) and all manner of goods, not to mention Bollywood movies on TV (note: I own a copy of "Bend it Like Beckham" which is one the most perfect movies ever made on the face of the planet - ever! :)
We also have an Iranian population too (kabobs! saffron! Persian Ice Cream flavored with rosewater!) Ooo, now I'm thinking of Turkish Delights with rosewater - I haven't made those in ages! But I digress...
When it comes to India and the role of women, as is the case everywhere, imo it all comes down to Education & Economics. It's the universal thread that connects every woman on the planet. Poverty opens the door to abuse. Whereas an education does the opposite. And so I measure people and places not by what they say, but rather by what they do.
Actions speak louder than words.
At the last Animation studio where I worked, many countries represented, including Iran and thus Islam:
RETURNING HOME (Iran 2005) director Behzad Farahat 12 min. The curious little hedgehog uses the sounds and sights of the forest to lead his family back home. (Award Winner!) He gave me a copy of it on Quicktime but I've no idea what DVD I burned it to (grumble.)
I worked with Behzad indirectly (different dept) but he totally understood my obsession with Italian espresso. He was a Muslim, married, two kids (back in Tehran) and I asked him once about that whole scarf thingy while sharing some chocolate with him in the kitchen. Yeah, his wife covers her hair. That's it? Yup. She doesn't have to wear that big black thingy? Nope. How come she's not here with you..? Canadian Government wouldn't grant her a VISA to visit him while he worked on a TV series in Vancouver.
I made a sad little noise out of sympathy, called my Government a bunch of poohead basterds, and then we watched some cartoons! He was really nice and taught me how to say "Insha'Allah" properly. Meanwhile, the Indian doorman at the historical landmark where I worked, and in response to a bag of chocolate chip cookies which magically appeared on his desk, was kind enough to show me some cool stuff inside the Tower I'm not at liberty to discuss; yet another nice man.
And so if and when crappy stuff happens in a country, I just assume stupidity is also universal. I don't blame religion, per say. Instead, I blame what people are using it for. Ignorant, poorly educated people will always be at the mercy of opportunists who in turn, bring out the worst in them. All I know is that every Muslim I've ever met, has been educated and very kind and drinks coffee. :)
"SIMPLE THINGS" - animated short by Behzad Farahat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jCVxZqoero
Isn't he cute?! I was totally rooting for the little dude!
Meanwhile...
SPOILERS! COVER YOUR EYES!
Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds" finally fell off the back of a truck. :)
What a GREAT movie! Holy crap! Christoph Waltz as Col. Hans Landa; whoaaaaa! When he shows up at the Dairy Farm and starts talking about rats and comparing them to Jews while otherwise being civil - the suspense almost killed me! I never knew what to expect from his character; he had me on pins and needles every time he appeared on screen. And Daniel Brühl as Pvt Fredrick Zoller who killed hundreds from a tower and starred in a Nazi propaganda movie about it, and doesn't seem to think it might be inappropriate to then brag about it while flirting with a French woman. Oooo... Diane Kruger as Bridget von Hammersmark; the scene with the bullet in her leg! And the scenes beforehand at the tavern with the German soldiers celebrating!
I loved the feel of it, the choice of music, the dialogue which was sublime, the sets, costumes and camera angles, the sweeping wide-angle decent of Col. Hans Landa down the staircase at the Cinema! (I wanted to yell "HE'S COMING!" to the other actors!) I loved Brad Pitt's Italian accent; smile. I loved the whole damn thing. NOTE: I think my favorite scene was in the basement tavern, the surreal nature of the humour - so serious at times you couldn't tell if someone was being a jerk, or being a jerk about to kill you. And all leading up to the moment when Major Dieter Hellstrom (King Kong was on his forehead) notices a German accent was "off". Fake laughter followed by nervous laughter followed by laughter hiding a prayer in the guise of a bluff; brilliant.
And I loved how pleased Christoph Waltz's character was with himself, for scoring a deal with the Allies which would see him saving his own neck. I yelled "WEAZEL!" and then smiled for having been so entertained by him. :)
That aside, and because I'm keeping score, this is a retaliation strike against the spam filter for some crap it pulled last week.
AN UNCENSORED CARTOON FOR ROGER...
http://www3.telus.net/thiliasspace/Marie/jpegs/spamrant.jpg
P.S. how come links don't work anymore inside posts? You have to copy and paste them into a new window - which blows.
Thank you for your piece. However I do take exception to your comments about hangovers and heavy drinkers. I haven't picked up a drink in almost 20 years, but I spent longer than that drinking in an alcoholic fashion. I've thrown up, passed out, had blackouts, totally embarrassed myself in front of other people - in short, I've done most of the things that alcoholics do.
But I never once had a hangover. My wife could develop a hangover from one G&T but I could drink two bottles of spirits and feel none the worse for wear the following morning.
So I say to you: don't dismiss something out of hand because you never experienced it. It's patronising and unhelpful.
Ebert: Many alcoholics would sincerely envy you. Surely you agree you are the exception?
You know, it really doesn't matter whether critics quote the "as you understand Him" part, because the problem people have with the God aspect of AA is that, regardless of how you understand God, the program encourages people to abandon responsibility for their actions.
I suspect that this is the reason AA is so popular; far too many people want to be told that they are helpless to change. People who think that way have no intention of ever changing.
As for success rates, there's no way I would trust AA's own statistics over those of outside observers. The opinions of critics have a nasty habit of being accurate. Wouldn't you agree, Roger?
Roger,
Thank you for this entry. I myself am a 20 year member and was given my life back at 25 when I got sober. In response to Anon, I believe that I may say I am sober, I cannot say you are sober. Your entry may help the still sufferring, same as the Jack Alexander article did, to find us and receive the help they need. We pride ourselves on AA having no rules and then one imposes rules, my personal favorite, NO CROSSTALK, bellowed across a room when I happen to mention that when I had 2 years and was dealing with the death of my closest friend in sobriety, similar to what a person just shared and Sally 6 months, or Anon, deems I am breaking a rule.
AA had worked for over 70 years people and has a much better success rate than most treatment centers, leave it be and worry about your own sobriety and I will worry about mine and extend the hand of AA, same as it was extended to me.
God Bless you Roger and thank you.
Thank you for this daring expose/testimonial undergone at tremendous personal risk to your reputation and jeopardy to your credibility. Alcoholics Anonymous has, for far too long, suffered the aspersions cast by the disgruntled multitudes who have been unable or unwilling to adopt the dogmatic and moral teachings of its founders and their successors. After all, judges, doctors, social services, parole and probation authorities, the Veterans Administration, human services agencies, and homeless shelters across the country have demanded, for years, that people attend AA as a condition for receiving benefits, services, and continued freedom. They couldn't do that if it didn't work, right?
As for the AA purists who criticise you for violating the anonymity tradition, what do they know? You are, after all, a successful, highly respected Pulitzer-winning journalist whose personal endorsement of AA may thousands find their way into AA who would not have done so otherwise. Our founder, Bill W. even stated in the text "And besides, we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all." How will "all" know of us if we limit our exposure only to alcoholics?
Best regards, Mike, AA since 1981, sober since 1994.
Ebert: I hope readers have noticed how many posters have reported 15, 20, 30, even 48 years of sobriety.
I can actually top you in one regard, Roger...I was born in 1971, and I've been sober for 39 years come November. Where's my medal? I have tried my entire life to set high standards of behaviour for myself, and believe me, I've gained precious little benefit from doing so. It bugs me to live in a society that doesn't value making wise choices.
One last thing: You claimed that Prohibition didn't work, and that it increased drinking. According to Funk & Wagnalls though, Prohibition reduced alcoholic consumption by two-thirds, and the rise in crime was negligible. It irks me when I hear people say 'Prohibition didn't work'. Prohibition DID work.
Roger, I'm glad you have 30 years sober. I would think after 30 years you would have had more respect for the Traditions. I'm curious how many people in AA you consulted prior to breaking your anonymity on a public level and who especially thought it was a good idea. Did you think through the ramifications if you did? Just don't get drunk now as everyone will know that AA only works for 30 years if you do.
Thank you for sharing this glimpse of your journey and tribute to the 12 Steps. :-) A close family friend just started on the path to sobriety ... she's just getting through detox and starting to see glimmers of hope, I think. Congratulations on 30 years!
And yet, when studying the REAL statistics (as opposed to the self-serving ones Mr. Ebert links to) AA is LESS EFFECTIVE THAN NO TREATMENT AT ALL:
http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/?p=490
I'm not an alcoholic. I drank socially for a while, decided I didn't like it, and rarely drink today unless the occasion calls for a toast. I'm not in the medical field.
But I hate, hate, hate nonsense. AA is nonsense. It fails. Why do you think AA-the-organization works so hard not to get studied by scientists?
Ebert: It doesn't.
Went to my first meeting July '65 teeth missing and
pants held up by hands in pockets.
Hard to shake hands but no critics.
Open meeting-this group had its coffee in cups with saucers no less.
I passed on trying THAT!
Stopped drinking in July '67.
Best analogy I could come up with was being like a runaway train -
The brakes went on in '65 but it took 2 years to come to the grinding halt.
No real beef or grief with the steps,traditions,principles or
practices-they help fill time and space.
2 or 3 meetings a week on average over 42 years-open,closed,
mixed,gender specific,gay,not so gay(forget "straight"-same
league as a dogs hind leg)-same programme,same approach
Don't drink alcoholic beverages-go to as many meetings as you
can reasonably attend-do what you can to help.
See you in year # 43 and one huge "Simply Mahvelus" on your
30 years- I'm all thumbs and they are all up!!
I've never understood alcohol, that is the social appeal of it. Sure I've tried it a few times and got a bit addicted. Even had a slight problem. I used to drink at work and sneak it in the bathroom. Some people actually drink with other people (and for fun). Every week. There's nothing fun or relaxing about alcohol. There's plenty of other ways to relax, hang out with friends or get into somebody's pants with that's what you're using it for. I just don't think alcohol should serve that purpose. There's definately a huge problem in this country with drunk driving and that needs to stop. But that's an entirely different matter that I've never understood. If this country stopped wasting billions on D.A.R.E. campaigns and anti-drinking seminars in our public schools and spent the money on actually teaching the kids something; we might actually get stuff done. But I don't know.
Thanks Roger for your honesty and words. They are appreciated.
Mr. Ebert congratulations on 30 years of sobriety. There are not too many movies I get out to see these days but nine times out of ten I check with your column to get your opinion. That being said, I don't get why you would so blatantly violate the 11th Tradition. "....we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films." I believe your message that you can and will help at least one person. But this program and these traditions were printed close to 40 years before you took your last drink. And it has flourished. I've heard rumours of other celebrities being in AA and I'm sure I know at least one of the other anchors you speak of who was at the Mustard Seed. And as the 12th Tradition states that "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities."
I myself have bounced in and out of this program for ten years. And I do believe that without this program there is no way I can stay sober. But if I sang from the rooftop every time I thought that I had this program down for good and then relapsed, how many people would I put off from this program?
I would like to repeat that I respect your intentions and I do believe that you will never drink again. However it is "attraction before promotion" and I think that should also be respected. Thank you. And I wish you the best of health.
Good morning, Mr. Ebert.
By Steve Vanden-Eykel on August 29, 2009 8:47 AM: "According to Funk & Wagnalls though, Prohibition reduced alcoholic consumption by two-thirds, and the rise in crime was negligible. It irks me when I hear people say 'Prohibition didn't work'. Prohibition DID work."
It's true; Steve found this information hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar on their porch.
By Anonymous on August 29, 2009 8:55 AM: "Just don't get drunk now as everyone will know that AA only works for 30 years if you do."
Do the math, young folks: Become alcoholics as early as possible, join AA when you're, say, fifty--hope you make it--and then you're sober for thirty years. And just when things start falling apart, and you're a decrepit eighty-year-old, you start partying down again, just when you really need to. "Words of wisdom, Lloyd my man. Words of wisdom."
Roger E. Thank you for sharing another success storyof the program. I just celebrated 20 yrs on the 8/17. Being sober has been the second best part of my life. The best is finding and establishing a direct connection to my Higher Power, I choose to call God. Keep up the great work, and continued soberity. Look for me as you trudge this road to happy destiny. David J. AA and SAG
कितनी जल्दी रंग बदलती है अपना चंचल हाला,
कितनी जल्दी घिसने लगता हाथों में आकर प्याला,
कितनी जल्दी साकी का आकर्षण घटने लगता है,
प्रात नहीं थी वैसी, जैसी रात लगी थी मधुशाला
Harivansh Rai Bachhan, Khayyam the Second
How fast the mischievous wine changes hue
How fast wears out the cup
How fast the lure of the cup bearer fadeth
The tavern's not the same in the morn
That it was at night.
We always use the phrase "drinking problem" but I wonder if that's a mistake? I think it's better to think of it as an illness. Many alcoholics blame themselves for their problem, but I think alcoholism has its roots in genetics and biology. Addiction is not a moral failing but a medical condition. That's why I think AA is important, because you have to have a program and a community of support to fight off the illness.
Well, you certainly have gotten a lot of responses. Pro & Con.
I believe this would have been an excellent article in the Grapevine. Blog's are the new form of communicating on a wide level, grater than a newspaper or even a magazine. We make contact with individuals instantly and most of the times "Anonymously"...we never really get to see the person blogging. So let me show you me... 27 yrs. sober through the grace of God and the fellowship of AA. When I was given my 90 day pin (no chips in this group) my sponsor told me that the G at the top of the triangle stnads for God, the AA at the bottom of the triangle stands for Alcoholics Anonymous and the DOT in the middle of the triangle is me.
He said that I must always remember to stay right sized and not get so big as to overshadow God of AA.
Thanks for sharing.
Well Peter, it took some long deliberation to ascertain that it was Peter Fawthrop and not Peter Fawthcough telling this story. I reasoned out that this anecdote also implied a potential dislike of Armond White. That was the clue on which I gambled!
My one experiment with hashish gave me tunnelvision. Not all that unpleasant, but I didn't find myself impelled to assassinate anybody. I wrote a poem; nothing matching "Xanadu" I'm sure. I'm not sure how I'd react if I didn't know what I'd been fed. In college, experimenting with marijuana for the first time -- and last until I was 30-something -- I didn't know I was stoned until my brother put me into a laughing fit.
Have experimented with the drinking-writer drinking-mystic bit. Saw no improvement, particularly not in "mystical" exercise. However, it did provide a little insight into why one might -- it's sort of a reference point or perhaps something to work against, distracting one's usual physical attentions to open up others.
I did witness one occasion where a band in a bar, all stoned in unison, came up with a beat which led to them making a number one hit country-western song a few years later. It would have been more than pot for the effort of keeping that marvelous C&W shuffle intact just as it was, for that long, though.
I second Sansho's complaint, the "ego" has been discredited more than enough. I've also used the analogy that it's treated like an unwanted appendix. A great big flexible one is what to have, and where you find narrow-minded cultish views, you find the little walnut-size nutshell-hard egos that think they are Bigger than God.
I also second Kugan Vijayatharan's assessment of the ego. In fact I think his round-up of it is just about marvelous.
Non-Idiot Indian H.W., I admit to a little discomfort watching Brad Pitt's swastika-carving schtick. But that's because I used to watch my father slaughter livestock, and grew up to do the same. For that I suspect there is considerably more cheer involved, particularly applying the procedure to a human being, with which I have yet to experiment myself. I haven't seen the videos of Leonard Lake and Charles Ng, famous serial killers here, but that's how they were described.
The cheer is probably some sort of psychological self-defense mechanism. Or one is elated in some bizarre magic ceremony to project his self-hatred upon a flesh and blood symbol, and therefore destroy it -- rather like happened to Jesus. Even atheists can be this literal-minded. At least, the rituals Pitt & company depicted are no longer done live before large picnicking audiences, as we did here not so long ago. Then again, nobody had to pay $10 to watch them, so it's a trade-off.
I thought "holocaust" referred to a sacrificial ritual. Something Jehovah did to cleanse dirty people before he tossed Jesus into it.
The reference to the word as a synonym for the "Jewish problem" became common after a television show in December 1977, I recall.
Just to reiterate: Fellini Satyricon was taken directly from the 2000 year old book, including the ritual you describe. So, it's historically accurate, and there is a clue as to its origins -- not that even the Romans invented it. It predates Fellini and Baraka, you'll concede.
No coincidence, all scholarship: Shakespeare's HAMLET taken from the Danish tale AMLETH, taken from the Finnish tale AMHLODI, and backward to the Bhaghavad Gita. It's a classic work, HAMLET'S MILL, by Giorgio de Santillana and Hertha von Dichend.
"There are no coincidences," anyhow. It is no coincidence, Marie, that I'm drinking my own pizen espresso right now.
Nor is it a coincidence that this has reminded me to tell non-idiot Indian H.W., as he is interested, how to meet all these unusually interesting people, "at random," as I have.
Yesterday Catt and I stopped in for an espresso at a coffeeshop in town. There was only one table with room for us, occupied by a weathered man in a battered cowboy hat with a beard that any holy man might envy, were envy possible.
"How's it goin'?" I asked. "Good," He nodded. "Lived here long?" I asked.
47 years, he replied. Before then he grew up in Kenya, Indonesia, Guam, France, Germany, elsewhere. Oh yeah? Dad in the military?
"Nope. Dad and Mom were English teachers. He was a Welsh Viking, mom a full-blooded Cherokee. (this was an American tribe who had their own writing and literacy, dashed and dispersed all over the country by the U.S. gov't). But I was in Korea."
"Yeah?"
"Yep. After that, I was sent to French Indochina to fight the Red Chinese. You call it Viet Nam these days. I was a Black Shadow. We wore black from head to toe, no dog tags, no way to identify us, we didn't exist."
He went on to describe how American "Black Shadows" had been in Viet Nam pulling off assassinations since 1953. He said that he finally shot his commanding officer in the kneecap to stop him from following orders to kill the men women and children of several families -- some of the Black Shadows had married Indochinese. Since he officially "didn't exist," they couldn't court-martial him for it, so they sent him home. He's lived in Santa Fe ever since.
So I am the first to break the news publicly that the U.S. government was involved in Viet Nam starting in 1953. Isn't that interesting? How is it anyone can ever be suspicious of government news releases? Just assume "no" means "yes," and there you have it.
So, H.W., how you meet unusually interesting people is sit down, say "How's it going?" and The Fates do the rest.
"For whom is willing, The Fates carry; for whom is unwilling, they drag." As Kugan's description implies, it's a good idea to loosen up one's ego for it. Drugs and liquor are hardly mandatory.
I think you failed to read my post with clear thinking, Idiot.
BTW, in our society we don't allow the victims of crimes to partake in the actual punishment of the criminals -- I approve of that practice of law and the reason for it, good ole Woody notwithstanding.
Those Muslims in India live well with the polytheists and Hindus particularly after 'Partition' ;and, a lot of oppressive laws the USA will likely be introduced to -- so, as not to offend anyone ... they (Islamic fanatics) are good bunch, till they get into a frenzied mob and pitch gasoline into a rail car full of women and children -- right, has nothing to do with Islam yea, yea ... Being all hostile to the messenger: that too lacks 'temperance'.
I disagree, Marie...These kinds of stories: testimonials, and personal 'experience' can be found in self help books in book stores or in infomercials ad nausium. They often dodge the real substance of the argument.
Roger, Congrats. I am sober almost 34 years this Nov 5 if I make it. However the 11th tradition on anonymity is the 11th tradition. You may want to re read it to see that over the years our Fellowship has found it best to observe this. It is spelled out in the 12 and 12. One quote is "by temperament nearly every one of us has been an irrespresible promoter and the prospect of a society composed almost entirely of promoters was frightening." There are quite a few other reasons in the 12 and 12 why the traition has been established.
Mr. Ebert,
Thank you for the beautiful essay. I have been sober in AA for 26 years, and the notion of AA as a cult baffles me. I've never been more free! I think of sobriety as working my way back to being the person God intended me to be when He put me here.
I've never been at a meeting where anyone was forced or even persuaded to believe anything they didn't want to believe.
I believe that the key to long-term sobriety is willingness. There were times I wanted desperately to drink, for what some might have considered good reason, but I always wanted to stay sober just a tiny bit more than I wanted to drink, and here I still am, one day at a time.
Your honesty and humility is a refreshing change from these celebs who turn a trip to rehab into a press junket.
ROGER
THANK YOU FOR A GREAT ARTICLE WHICH I READ WITH GREAT INTEREST AFTER A MEETING LAST NIGHT ON THE 11th TRADITION. I DO HOPE YOUR MESSAGE REACHES THOSE WHO WOULD REJECT AA OUT OF IGNORANCE OR MERELY MISUNDERSTANDING. I WENT THROUGH THE GRANT HOSPITAL OUTPATIENT THERAPY PROGRAM 35 YRS AGO AND CONSIDER IT AN INTEGRAL PART PART OF MY DELIVERANCE FROM ALCOHOLISM. I HAD MY LAST LAST DRINK IN SEPTEMBER OF 1971 BUT MY RECOVERY WAS A MUCH SLOWER PROCESS THAN MERE ABSTINENCE. IT CONTINUES TO THIS DAY THANKS TO THE AVAILABILTY OF AA MEETINGS AROUND THE GLOBE. I HAVE A DISTRUST OF THOSE WHO WOULD OUT THEMSELVES SOME OF WHICH IS BASED ON MY OWN EGO AND JEALOUSLY. YOUR ARTICLE WAS MAGNIFICENT ALTHOUGH IN VIOLATION OF THE 11th TRADITION. I APPLAUD YOUR SOBRIETY.
ANOTHER AA ONCE EXPLAINED THE DIFFRENCE BETWEEN AND OLDTIMER AND A GURU. A GURU IS SOMEONE WITH A NUMBER OF YEARS OF SOBRIETY WHO CONSIDERS HIM/HERSELF AN OLDTIMER; AN OLDITMER IS SOMEONE WITH A NUMBER OF YEARS OF SOBRIETY WHO IS AFRAID OF BECOMING A GURU.
Roger,
Thanks so much for this thoughtful article. I am grateful that you came forward to give a witness to your experience, strength, and hope of being in AA. It’s no more “breaking anonymity” than speaking at an Open Meeting. Non-alcoholics need to hear the message, and if people don’t share it within them how will they hear?
A truly profound gift of recovery from addiction, which sets it apart from most all other diseases, is that recovering addicts are often able to bounce back to more healthy (normal) ways of living than before the addiction set in. We can deal with emotions, handle stress and trauma, deepen relationships, and work responsible so much better than when we first drank, drugged, gambled, etc… AA and its sister 12-step fellowships help us grow up, because we understand that recovery is not just about sobriety from an addiction but a means to a more whole life.
It’s too bad that some people cannot celebrate recovery with us but instead point to the perfect ways in which they have tried to live their lives. One of the secrets of life is that we are all imperfect. Addicts in recovery have been given the grace to know and accept that. Unfortunately, grace doesn’t come as good news for everyone.
Hi Roger,
Not only did you break the 11th tradition but you potentially encouraged the breaking of the 10th and have indirectly broken the 12th as well:
10. Alcoholics anonymous has no opinions on outside issues; hence the AA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before Personalities
Even though I have been a big fan since I was a teenager – I remember watching you and Gene on ch. 11, and being thoroughly entertained by your reviews and your back and forth banter – that does not deter me from mentioning another very important tradition in question here:
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon AA unity.
I was taught that we must say “yes” to all these traditions and do our best to uphold them or else our society will self-destruct. Along with your spiritual message clearly and eloquently represented by this post, comes the rebukes of both AA's critics and loyal members , the twisted and garbled comments of the ill-informed, the distracted pondering of the confused, the typical and hateful venting generally found in forum discussions, etc. all under the AA name; you could have easily posted this anonymously. If I were a celebrity and this had been me doing the posting, I would have had to seriously question my motives in doing so and how my own ego and will had played that all out.
I heard this saying last year:
“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
Although, I view this metaphorically, I believe in its spiritual significance concerning my own life wholeheartedly. After all, doesn't our disease have more to do with our thinking rather than our drinking, which is but a symptom?
Nevertheless, I wish you well living life, on life's terms. Peace. Jim.
Reply to: Kugan Vijayatharan: That South Park episode's gripe with the 12 step program was that surrender encouraged a 'victim' type personality, helpless and powerless over it's own problems. I am not an atheist, and I would hate if this were to sound like me believing that modern psychology can 'explain away' religion and its views on relationship between man and god.
On the other hand, "god" is a fiction based on your relationship with your parents, and modern psychology has no problem whatsoever explaining it away.
Do a quick Reality Check. Does your "Higher Power" resemble your father in significant ways? Why stick in "god" when you can just say "My Higher Power is based on Dear Old Dad"?
Reply to: Keith: Bill Hays, Salvation is a participational process, and information alone is not going to do it... what the Resurrection is is a symbol of the unique individuality that is transformed only by personal participation.
Keith,
Salvation is complete nonsense, complete fiction, and I don't need the sales pitch. Thank you.
Resurrection, as used by Paul, is the End of the World scenario when flesh will be put on bones and the dead - ALL the dead - will be brought back to life for a day of Judgment. When that happens, you can try me again. Until then, you're out of ammunition.
"Salvation" is a clear example of what we call "blue sky." The crooks are trying to sell you a piece of air. The crooks are trying to sell you something that doesn't exist.
Thank you for trying to scam me, but no thanks. That nonsense gets more annoying as I hear it repeated.
Reply to: Steve: suspect that this is the reason AA is so popular; far too many people want to be told that they are helpless to change. People who think that way have no intention of ever changing.
Finally, an intelligent comment. Thank you, Steve. I was about to give up on this blog.
I don't know why so many people love the "romance" of thinking about drinking, and indulging their subconscious. They don't want to go through the therapy that would "turn off" their addiction. They don't want to admit that an alcoholic's "12 Step Program" is the product of an alcohol-impaired mind, not the product of a sophisticated and modern medical effort.
Yes, AA is for people who have no intention of changing. Or, rather, they don't seem to realize that they CAN change, but they can't do it in a meeting or without professional help. They just want to pretend that a God is in control.. and, of course, there is no God in control.
The major step is convincing people they need to cure their addiction before it takes over their lives. Like Anon, who was drinking more than 4 pints a night, who was wondering if he was an alcoholic. He was expecting some flashing lights to go off, perhaps? Of course he's an alcoholic, and the "romance of AA" means he'll never seek out effective treatment and get off the roller coaster ride.
AA hides behind secrecy... because the 12 steps program you to fail.
Reply to: That South Park episode's gripe with the 12 step program was that surrender encouraged a 'victim' type personality, helpless and powerless over it's own problems.
By the time South Park has mocked your beliefs, there's no secrecy any more. So, the privacy issue has been made moot.
Reply to: Scott: fundamentalist approaches do not persuade people, they alienate them. So whats your objective? To infuse a serious discussion with useful insight or to keep the flames of indignation burning within and impress upon yourself that you are impressing others of your intellect?
Scott, I don't know if you read the blog on "Free Range Kids," but reading the comments would be more educational if people would try harder to display their intellect. As Roger promised on the front page, we're supposed to be "the top 3%".
I have an agenda. I would very much like Roger to embrace the term "agnostic", which accurately describes his current belief system, and quit using "Catholic", a term which implies the Pope is infallible when making statements in certain areas.
I also like the idea that people need to be presented with hard evidence that contradicts their most deeply held beliefs, on a regular basis. Because it yanks them out of their "belief system" and forces them to make significant areas on their PET scans light up.
thinking takes practice. So, asking someone to re-think the 12 Step program is like "Yoga For the Brain."
Dear Roger,
I have been your fan for about 10 years, and I love the way you write. Also, we often agree on movies, politics, life. So, I wasn't terribly surprised with today's essay; since I have found that when I make friends, or are drawn to certain people, I eventually learn that they are recovering alcoholics. It may sound a bit quirky, but it is true.
Thank you for sharing,
Carol
I'm a senior at the University of Indiana. I used to drink nightly until I I resigned myself to sobriety during the work week and pure unadulterated knock-em-down-drag-em-out partying on Friday and Saturday nights (with the occasional Thursday here and there). I haven't looked back since. Also, I do believe in a Higher Power: Alle, Alle, Alleh-Brew-Ha ...
I've been sober for 22 years and in the field of alcoholism treatment for about 21 of those years. I always find it fascinating how some celebrities "out" themselves as members of AA, and as far as I know (this is not a criticism of you or foreshadowing of any kind), the ones that do it in interviews and self-initiate their comments about their AA membership always end up being in stories about dying drunk or high, being in jail, or being in rehab again, and again, and again. This is the first article, or "outing" for lack of a better term, that I've read or seen that the mention of AA membership was not a gratituious display for the individual interviewed, rather was a simple explanation of some of the AA principles. I'm sure you will be criticized for breaking your anonymity, and when I first saw the title of this article in your journal, I initially started reading this with the attitude of, "Here's another one who probably started the 'beginning' of their 'end.'" I'm glad I read through to the end, and respect and admire you all the more. If you are an active user of the 12 step philosophy and fellowship, and it certainly appears you are, you know as many do, including myself, that even if one breaks his anonymity, or not, any alcoholic is only sober, "just for today," and tomorrow is a different, new, hopefully "sober" day. Thanks for your courage!
I had a cousin that was an alcoholic and died in February 2005. I barely knew her, so I am not sure if she ever attended A.A. meetings. I do know she was in and out of rehab.
I was wondering Roger, how A.A. has changed in the information age. I bet it is easier for A.A. members to meet, communicate, and organize meetings and events with the internet. Now, an alcoholic does not have to walk up to a police officer and ask them where they can find an A.A. meeting.
Mr.Ebert,
30 yrs and you are missing the point. Like the steps, the traditions of alcoholics anonymous are spiritual principles which if practiced make the sufferer whole. my home group will stay sober without me; I am not likely to without them.
The sad thing is the apparent continuing lack of apparent reflection on comments from fellow members on whose help I rely on to maintain a spiritual condition today.
A suggestion. find a sponsor well versed in the traditions of aa.
step through the issue. find God on the other side.
May God Bless You and keep you till then.
Great story, Roger. And personal stories tell it all...the pain of suffering and the joy of recovery. It is with these stories that we help others, offering empathy and understanding. This is how recovery works.
Treatment is an experience, but recovery is a process lasting a lifetime. Addiction is a chronic disease and without daily maintenance the addict is doomed.
Working with others helps me stay sober; I've been in recovery since April 1986 and my life was forever changed for the better.
Thanks and keep up the good work.
May God bless,
Don Rothschild
Everyone shut up about the god damned traditions. I've never been to AA because of people like you. You make it seem like a crazy cult. Are they traditions or rules? Can the rules be broken to help people? What the hell is wrong with you people?
Thank you so much for sharing such a personal part of your life and if your comments serve help just one person seek to overcome their disease then you have done well, and critics be damned - you haven't outed anyone except your courageous self.
As an non-addicted adult child of an alcoholic mother, who also watched his best friend drink himself to death I have seen the destruction first hand.
Steve Vanden-Eykel sez:
I can actually top you in one regard, Roger...I was born in 1971, and I've been sober for 39 years come November. Where's my medal? I have tried my entire life to set high standards of behaviour for myself, and believe me, I've gained precious little benefit from doing so. It bugs me to live in a society that doesn't value making wise choices.
---Well, here's one who has gained precious little benefit from his standards of high behavior and is raring to get even with society for it. Hmmm... I wonder what he'd do about it? Let me see... would he...
...You claimed that Prohibition didn't work, and that it increased drinking. According to Funk & Wagnalls though, Prohibition reduced alcoholic consumption by two-thirds, and the rise in crime was negligible. It irks me when I hear people say 'Prohibition didn't work'. Prohibition DID work.
---What a surprise! Never would have imagined. I was thinking something like legalizing the child-sex-slavery trade. That'd teach the little bastards for irking a man of high standards! Prohibition didn't work. Prohibition didn't work. Prohibition didn't work. Nyaah nyaah.
Thanks for your comment on my dumb question on non-alcoholic beer, Roger. I don't see the point either, now that I think about it. Just tastes awful, not like beer at all.
On another note, I think some of these Anonymous commenters are not really reading your article completely. For instance, the one commenting on August 29, 8:55 AM:
"Just don't get drunk now as everyone will know that AA only works for 30 years if you do."
Didn't he (or she) read this part?
"Since surgery in July of 2006 I have literally not been able to drink at all. Unless I go insane and start pouring booze into my g-tube, I believe I'm reasonably safe. So consider this blog entry what A.A. calls a "12th step," which means sharing the program with others."
... I don't know. As we say in Mexico: ganas de joder...
"If you read Henry I & II, you'll find that Falstaff was not always so happy, especially not toward the end."
I have Roger, as well as see both in theater productions when I lived in London and I do not disagree; babbling of green fields is not really the best way to go.
Mind you it is a better death than the dried up Hal, loosing his humour, betraying all his friends and turning into the power hungry Henry V, finally dying far away of chronic diarrhea. Shakespeare did not get to that part.
But then we practicing drunks will look for any reason to drink and can find it even in Shakespeare or real history.
Still, I take your point about booze and will not drink and mow, I promise.
Dear Roger congratulations but you are living proof that time does not equal sobriety. Do you have any clue about Traditions? Do you have a sponsor and did you run this by him first? What about the black eye you would give Alcoholics Anonymous if you got drunk tommorrow or do you have some cure or guarantee that I'm not aware of since I've only been sober 18 years and am still doing this "one day at a time."
Our literature talks about selfishness, self centeredness and humility, I guess since you got your thirty you felt you deserved a pat on the back and an atta boy. Maybe you ought to revisit your Big Book, 12 and 12 and Service Manual. I apologize for raining on your parade but someone with 30 years should know better so you will get no accolades from me.
In love and service, Rafael
Dear Roger,
One type of alcoholic that is difficult to convince is the intellectual. Congratulations on being an intellectual who discovered like every other drunk that all his best thinking could not manage alcohol. I too, have an early sobriety story about the Mustard Seed. I was newly sober in 1989, at a convention in Chicago, staying at the Marriott downtown. I needed a meeting. I got a taxi to the Mustard Seed but found out it was difficult to get one back. The word went around for a bit, finally an older black couple volunteered to take me. You should have seen the look on the face of the doorman when I stepped out of their "older" car at the front door of the hotel. I hugged them good-bye and thanked them profusely. The scene did not compute for him. AA is the greatest example of democracy in action, eh? That segues into my last thought, to paraphrase Mark Twain "Democracy is the worst form of government there is, except for everything else out there." The same can be said about AA.
congrats on 30 yrs. ODAAT
just celebrated 20, 7/9/89
thanx for sharing and keep coming
like Dr Bob said, "let's not louse this thing up... keep it simple..."
gc
ps thanx fo the movie reviews over the years also
Roger, thank you for the excellent column.
A comment on the relationship between AA and religion: I am a professor of religion, a pastor, etc.; I know a little about Christianity.
From my perspective, Christianity properly understood is a lot like the first three steps of AA. Sin & our weakness toward it are unmanageable. We need a God who can break its power over us. We make a faith commitment to this God, trusting that he can save us where we cannot save ourselves.
Being a Christian = being a recovering sinner, not moral perfection or superiority.
What a beautiful article! It clearly shows that friendship, tolerance, encouragement and compassion drives the true human spirit. We all fail in myriads of ways. How fortunate are we who have relatives, friends (and in the case of AA even strangers before family and friends) who truly care enough to help us through our toughest moments. It saddens me when organizations like AA are put down in the ways you and others have mentioned. A song by Phil Ochs called "There But For Fortune" contains sobering lyrics.
Show me a prison, show me a jail
Show me a pris'ner whose face has grown pale
And I'll show you a young man
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
Show me an alley, show me a train
Show me a hobo who sleeps out in the rain
And I'll show you a young man
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
Show me the whiskey stains on the floor
Show me a drunk as he stumbles out the door
And I'll show you a young man
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
Show me a country where the bombs had to fall
Show me the ruins of buildings so tall
And I'll show you a young land
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
You or I.
Phil Ochs (1966)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTjRPugJ8CA
It is so easy to judge and quickly dismiss someone having difficulties because then we have no further responsibilities - and we can leave all the blame conveniently on the other person. How can anyone ridicule or putdown an organization that provides an opportunity for those in pain to heal themselves and help others in their healing.
Not-a-doc, but let me offer a practical helper from my experience.
Try Naltrexone. Cheap and effective as a daily pill. Invented for opiate addiction in the 60's, it works very well to simply end the desire for alcohol.
There's a new version out (Vivitrol) that is a 30 day time release injectable. It's expensive, about $700 per shot. For a large number of people, it removes the desire to drink (you simply have no need or interest in it any longer).
With three monthly injections, I lost interest in alcohol about two years ago, and have had no desire for it since.
Ask your doc about it: it can get you over the hump from the physical part of the addiction. After that, it's up to you (and AA or whatever you choose that works for you) to manage the psychological need for it.
But one thing is true: if you're an addict, you must completely stop, permanently. No medication I know of allows you to dabble in the substance. If you're addicted enough to use a med to quit, you're an addict. Quit. Permanently.
What a beautiful article! It clearly shows that friendship, tolerance, encouragement and compassion drives the true human spirit. We all fail in myriads of ways. How fortunate are we who have relatives, friends (and in the case of AA even strangers before family and friends) who truly care enough to help us through our toughest moments. It saddens me when organizations like AA are put down in the ways you and others have mentioned. A song by Phil Ochs called "There But For Fortune" contains sobering lyrics.
Show me a prison, show me a jail
Show me a pris'ner whose face has grown pale
And I'll show you a young man
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
Show me an alley, show me a train
Show me a hobo who sleeps out in the rain
And I'll show you a young man
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
Show me the whiskey stains on the floor
Show me a drunk as he stumbles out the door
And I'll show you a young man
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
Show me a country where the bombs had to fall
Show me the ruins of buildings so tall
And I'll show you a young land
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
You or I.
Phil Ochs (1966)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTjRPugJ8CA
It is so easy to judge and quickly dismiss someone having difficulties because then we have no further responsibilities - and and we can leave all the blame conveniently on that person. One should think twice about ridiculing or putting down an organization that provides an opportunity for those in pain to heal themselves and help others in their healing.
I forgot to mention this about "Inglourious Basterds"....
Tarantino's heroine Shosanna does indeed resemble Jack Vettriano noir paintings of the cigarette-smoking ladies in red. :)
And Vettriano in turn, reminds me a bit of Ewdward Hopper (they both share a similar illustrative style) although Vettriano's people are better done, I think; less crudely rendered...
http://www.alledwardhopper.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/nighthawks_by_edward_hopper.jpg
He also reminds me a little of Giorgio Olivetti - he used to do all those Italian movie posters like "La Dolce Vita" - at least in terms of Vettriano's more sexually charged works. Those are very pulp 40's book jacket cover type stuff, eh? Lots of pictures of businessmen with women they're probably not married to. :)
Ebert: Indeed.
http://images.google.com.mx/images?q=jack%20vettriano&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&hl=es&tab=wi
Reply to: Scott: you are starting to come across as transparent, and not impressive, and rather a one trick pony or a banjo that plays only one note. And eyes are rolling, though you cannot see them.
I've just come up with an incredible idea. Thanks for the inspiration, Scott. Let's see if we can make some History.
Reply to: Tom Dark: Uh... Bill... while you've got everybody else's brain figured out for them, you're obviously too numb to your own senses even to recognize when you're about to throw up. So you've declared. Not being an alcoholic is no excuse for being that lacking in sensory alertness. A fellow who can't even tell when he's about to vomit. I was even used as an expert witness testifying whether a man who crashed his jeep into a wall was drunk or not, and I've never heard such a story. Only in an R. Crumb comic. Good Christ, it's Bobo Bilinski.
Tom, you missed the point of the story. I had no way to anticipate throwing up. I've gone over it a few times, and it was turning my head too quickly that triggered things. I was sitting on a sofa, having a normal conversation. I might have had ONE glass of a vodka mixed drink and a beer, over several hours on an empty stomach. But, once you start drinking, that's what happen.
You cannot anticipate what will happen under the influence of alcohol. That was the valuable lesson. (NOT that a normal person should be able to anticipate.)
But, if you look at statistics, you CAN anticipate that a certain number of drunks will get behind the wheel of a car and KILL PEOPLE.
http://www.ocregister.com/articles/moulayi-driving-frazee-2520371-car-home
August 6, 2009
SANTA ANA – An unlicensed teen driver from North Tustin was convicted of second-degree murder today for killing a 16-year-old classmate. Milad Moulayi showed no reaction when the verdict was reached after less than a day of deliberations.
Moulayi's friends told him in the moments before the fatal drive that he was drunk and should not drive. But Moulayi, who was then 16, insisted on taking Mackenzie Frazee, 16, home after a late-night gathering at his mother's home on Aug. 28, 2008, during which he downed 10 shots of Sailor Jerry rum.
Minutes later, Moulayi lost control of his mother's 1998 Mercedes-Benz sedan. Wes Vandiver, an accident reconstruction expert, testified that Moulayi lost control of the car while driving at speeds in excess of 100 mph on Newport Avenue, crossed over the center median and knocked over two road signs while laying down more than 500 feet of skid marks before he slammed into a concrete light pole.
He now faces 15 years to life in prison at his sentencing Oct. 2 by Superior Court Judge Carla Singer
Scott Walker, one of the first people to see the crash, said, "All of a sudden, a boy stands up and walks out of the car, and we kind of look at each other in shock, like, 'Oh my God, how can somebody be walking away from this thing?' The kid was like, 'What's going on?' We ran close to him and said, 'Are you OK?' He's like, 'I'm all right, I got lucky, and I'm OK.' "
Moulayi was also charged with driving without a license because his learner's permit had been suspended by the juvenile court judge 13 hours before the crash (end)
Reply to: Scott: would never deign to instruct someone with an addiction on how they should or should not be confronting it,
What if you could go back to that party and tell 16 year-old Milad Moulayi NOT TO DRINK? That's how I see every drinker on this blog. They might be behind the wheel of the car that kills me tomorrow night.
I can save their lives, if they'll just listen to me.
Or a psychologist working in the area of addiction.
Reply to: Tom Dark: 'cuz you're preaching the most sensory-deprived religious views I've ever heard. I see you are pleased to puff up and regurgitate some kind of matter that wiggles when "God" is mentioned, but not to consider responses.
Yes, I should consider responses. However, in this format, we're replying to Roger's original entry, not each other.
So... let's rearrange the format. What I'd like to do is...
invite a senior member of the Catholic Church to respond to my questions, in a one-on-one, mano y mano session. There are 878 comments on this entry. Call it 300 questions and 500 answers. I think we could actually Expose some real "Truth" for once.
LINK: the Catholic TV news magazine, Sanctuary, airing Sunday, July 26, at 11:30-am, on ABC-7 will also feature a report on what Cardinal George thinks about..
http://www.archdiocese-chgo.org/
Or, invite a Jesuit from Loyola.
http://www.luc.edu/jesuit/
Loyola University is one of three sites in the United States where Jesuits can... two years of philosophy study and a year of theology study.
Instead of being a drawback, the blog format would be a huge advantage. Anyone could add follow-up questions.
I could easily go 400 questions. The answers should be fascinating. Much better than the old Josh McDowell debates.
Roger,
I thought this post was really awesome and I sincerely hope that you don't regret at all writing it because of all the nay-sayers. I thought it was a truly sincere, honest post that could only be as powerful because of it's witness. For you to have written it somewhere else anonymously would have had less meaning, I think. Thanks for sharing and for being an inspiration, not only for your 30 years of sobriety, but also for your willingness to write what you believe regardless of whether others think you should. Way to be!
Ian
What a beautiful article! It clearly shows that friendship, tolerance, encouragement and compassion drives the true human spirit. We all fail in myriads of ways. How fortunate are we who have relatives, friends (and in the case of AA even strangers before family and friends) who truly care enough to help us through our toughest moments. It saddens me when organizations like AA are put down in the ways you and others have mentioned. A song by Phil Ochs called "There But For Fortune" contains sobering lyrics.
Show me a prison, show me a jail
Show me a pris'ner whose face has grown pale
And I'll show you a young man
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
Show me an alley, show me a train
Show me a hobo who sleeps out in the rain
And I'll show you a young man
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
Show me the whiskey stains on the floor
Show me a drunk as he stumbles out the door
And I'll show you a young man
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
Show me a country where the bombs had to fall
Show me the ruins of buildings so tall
And I'll show you a young land
With many reasons why
There but for fortune, go you or I
You or I.
Phil Ochs (1966)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTjRPugJ8CA
It is so easy to judge and quickly dismiss someone having difficulties because then we have no further responsibilities - and all the blame now conveniently rests with the other person. One should think twice about ridiculing or putting down an organization that provides an opportunity for those in pain to heal themselves and help others in their healing.
Yep. Naltrexone has been touted lately as the way out of alcoholism. It's another darned coincidence that one of my people has been researching naltrexone as a cure for AIDS for some years. He was booted from the U for it, then exonerated. I happen to have a little bottle of it in my fridge, but no alcoholics in sight. He warned me not to use it on my dog, either, which was dying at the time.
He says that the way it's being used in treating alcoholism is dangerous and could have nasty side-effects. So! Don't believe glowing press releases, particularly when they're released to the press by glowing drug companies. Naltrexone is being pushed by the guy who invented PayPal, so I read -- or it was. Maybe some papers came across his desk that slowed him down about it.
Well, there's the god-fearing Saint Bill again, this time outing his plans to Roger. Have atheists no Tradition 11? Don't fall for it, Rodge! First he'll plant a few doubts. They'll feel good. Next, he'll introduce you to some nice people at a little Agnostic's Club... just for laffs, you understand. Then, one night, while you're stoned on Naltrexone, he'll introduce you to... Mister Big. The Antichrist. Old Scratch Himself. Beelzebub! Loooooo-ci-faaaaaah! It will be too late, after a little monologue, the waiting Pod will close over you for a looooong sleep. I know these people. Bill's a cyborg from the International Atheists "Association," and I use that term loosely. Ominously.
They could use a man like you, Roger. But I've got the antidote: read Jack Chick comics, also called Chick Tracts. Just google for it. I want to play the One World Government guy who goes around to classrooms in leather tights with his fists on his hips and keeps throwing his head back in hearty laughter about there being no God.
While we're waiting for Bill to stop telling people that their parents are to blame for how they think and his aren't, here's another interesting little story.
There was this man who owned a successful car-parts manufacturing company in upstate New York. He had a daughter. He used to bring home Jimmy Swaggart tapes and play them constantly so his daughter would never, ever, EVER start believing in God, not for a second! He ragged on her constantly, for he was a devout and pious atheist. He knew all the damage a belief in God had already done to the world. His wife, the daughter of a prominent local doctor -- and one of the early promoters of the cancer industry -- concurred.
This daughter, named Sue, was absolutely the most neurotic individual to whom I had ever come closer than a distance of five feet. She was terrified of children and teenagers. She was sure her friends secretly scorned her. She would wake up in the middle of the night screaming that the house was on fire. She obsessed about her hemorrhoids. Oh, there was more. Oh, how much more there was. "This woman has more phobias than I've ever heard of," remarked my smarter brother, "she seems to be in love with them."
But she was law-abiding and also never, ever, ever touched a drop of alcohol. Never? No, never. Not even hardly ever. Instead, she would take a drive to a candy store, buy a whole pound of candy, and eat it all on her way back home. She weighed about 250 pounds at one point.
Now, her father died relatively young of alcoholism, and her mother died not much later, of lupus. Sue bitched constantly that they left her only a trust fund, not the whole, relatively huge wad, for her to tear into and buy thousands of pounds of candy and a limousine to ride around in eating it, perhaps. So, maybe this says something for atheism after all.
I have a feeling Kugan Vijayatharan, whose posting I have read more than once, will appreciate this story. I see that Bill has only pecked at it for imaginary weaknesses, and I'll be interested to see how this eloquent foreigner replies. If he bothers, that is. Not everyone thinks it's fun to play with a full-fledged Flying Irrationalist "with an agenda" -- which is, to project an imaginary game on someone else and pretend to win it.
गिरती जाती है दिन प्रतिदन प्रणयनी प्राणों की हाला
भग्न हुआ जाता दिन प्रतिदन सुभगे मेरा तन प्याला,
रूठ रहा है मुझसे रूपसी, दिन दिन यौवन का साकी
सूख रही है दिन दिन सुन्दरी, मेरी जीवन मधुशाला।।
Day by day dwindles,beloved, the wine of my life
Day by day,sweet, crumbles the cup of my body
Turns away from me the cup bearer oy youth
It's drying, lovely one, day by day, my tavern of life.
Bill Hays,
"Keith,
Salvation is complete nonsense, complete fiction, and I don't need the sales pitch. Thank you."
As I said, words alone are not going to do anything to convince you about it because it requires participation.
Christianity is not about life after death. There is no life after death. Anyone who believes that is not believing in Christianity.
It is sad how many think they are qualified to take your inventory, Roger, over the issue of anonymity. Just goes to show how much the issue of “control” is a part of our disease -- “If you don’t do as I would do, you are wrong!” Why can’t we instead say, “If you don’t do as I would do, I guess you just do things differently than me?”
I just gave a first step today at a meeting to welcome the newcomer. I would gladly give it again publicly if I thought it could help another addict get sober. We often” pray” for the still suffering addict at our meetings – thanks for “doing” something that actually might help him/her. I am sure the Higher Power understands!
Roger, congratulations on your 30th "soberthday". It was great to hear a well-told story about someone else who realized that "No matter what, I cannot stop drinking." I truly believed that I was too smart to be an alcoholic, and if I just read the right book, or took the right pill, or saw the right doctor, this would go away.
Today, most of the insanity has indeed gone away, because of my activity in AA. AA has (for me) accomplished what regular church attendance did not...I can look in the mirror and not hate the woman looking back. Today drinking is not the problem, but I must confess, I remain a very heavy thinker, particularly when not doing what I need to do as enthusiastically as possible. I celebrated 10 years this month, and even though I am not where I want to be, I am not where I was, either.
Just an aside - I have a dear friend who was sober for 15 years and very active in service who relapsed on prescribed medication, so I hope the G-tube does not give you a false sense of security.
For some irony, please take a peek at the 8/29 Daily Reflections reading.
Thank you - keep coming back!
Roger - Thanks for sharing, and congrats. 30 years is nothing short of amazing.
In reading these responses, one thing people seem to be caught up in is the numbers. How many drinks makes me an alcoholic? It's not a numbers game people, it's not that easy. Alcoholism is a behavior, it's a reaction. It has nothing to do with the amount you drink. Rather it's the decisions your body and brain make when you have been drinking. You do things you would never do when sober. You drive drunk, you get emotional, you pick fights with strangers, You sleep around, you become belligerent, you skip work. Sometimes it happens after one drink. Sometimes after many. That's what makes it a disease. There is no tried and true "breaking point". If there was, sure, we might be able to stop ourselves. We might be able to prevent these horrible behaviors, that threaten not only our lives, but anyone who is near us. But we're not so lucky. There is nothing inside us to tell us to stop drinking, that we've had enough.
I am so jealous of those of you who say that you blacked out once or twice in your life and knew from those experiences that you needed to stop drinking. As an alcoholic, I blacked out almost every day. Again, sometimes after only one drink. First I contributed it to ADD and just not paying attention. It took me a long time of having to determine where I was, who I was with, how I got there, what day it was, to realize that I was not normal. There were many mornings I woke up and wondered how I got home, but upon opening the blinds I would find my car parked in the driveway. Obviously I had driven home.
For those hung up on the "higher power" aspect, I encourage you to count your blessings. Life may not have always been good or fair to you, but you have not actually reached rock bottom. For when you do, you will gladly and easily give yourself up to a higher power. You will look at a radiator, a door knob, the person next to you, and you will know and cherish how truly lucky you are to be standing there, in that spot. You will trust anyone and everything that might even, in the slightest, help you make it through the next hour, the next day, the next week. Similar to hugging the toilet and saying over and over again, "Just get me through this. I swear I will never do this again. I will never touch the stuff ever again." That is how you cling to your fellow AA members. You ask them, you beg of them, to help you, to forgive you, to show you the way. And they do, and they do over and over again, and likewise you do, and you do over and over again. And you are easy on each other, and you are hard on each other, and you lean on each other and you prop each other up. You are their higher power and they are yours. And you believe it because you have witnessed it. Because that is the only way to explain your standing there, your being there. They are pinching you to remind you that you are still there, that you are still you, that you are still worthwhile.
My mom was 8 years sober when she died. Cancer, not alcohol. She was a devout AA member. She was extremely tight lipped. But somehow she had a radar for other members. When asked how she knew someone, she would simply say "We have something in common." Always graceful. I am indebted to AA, and have been since she was diagnosed and we finally had a name for her erratic behavior. I never thought I would be there myself though.
AA is like your family dog. They are always glad to see you. They do not ask much of you. They treat you the same way whether you are coming or going. They will be hands on if you like, or silently sit by your side. Man's best friend indeed.
Thank you for bringing due recognition to a wonderful, and effective, program. You are truly a spokesperson and advocate for individuals on the quest for a better life. I hope you keep it up. This step was a necessary one, and you have done lots to champion the cause of AA. I thank you for that.
Thanks for letting me share.
MB
The sanctimonious pricks chastising Roger for breaking the "11th tradition" should be ashamed of themselves. The kind of people who loves rules for the sake of them, and are doing their best in the comments to rob this entry of its intended spirit -- which was to help people.
Roger, I think you planted seeds in many minds with this article, including in my own, and this could one day blossom into completely changed lives. Don't second guess what you did here because a handful of anal retentive types accuse you of violating their rulebook. Life doesn't come with a rulebook folks. We're all here for a short time and we just need to help each other get through this thing.
Roger, congratulations on your 30th "soberthday". It was great to hear a story about someone else who realized that "No matter what, I cannot stop drinking." I truly believed that I was too smart to be an alcoholic, and if I just read the right book, or took the right pill, or saw the right doctor, this would go away.
Today, most of the insanity has indeed gone away, because of my activity in AA. AA has (for me) accomplished what regular church attendance did not...I can look in the mirror and not hate the woman looking back. Today drinking is not the problem, but I must confess, I remain a very heavy thinker, particularly when not doing what I need to do as enthusiastically as possible. I celebrated 10 years this month, and even though I am not were I want to be, I am not were I was, either.
Just an aside - I have a dear friend who was sober for 15 years and very active in service who relapsed on prescribed medication, so I hope the G-tube does not give you a false sense of security.
For some irony, please take a peek at the 8/29 Daily Reflections reading. It is my understanding that the Traditions protect AA from its members.
Thank you - keep coming back!
roger: congratulations on your 30 consecutive years of sobriety....
i'm not going to say that a.a. is for everyone, or that it works for everyone....there are other avenues of recovery for those that don't find what they need in the program of alcoholics anonymous....i for one have found what i needed in a.a.....this coming january i'll be celebrating 30 years of sobriety (days and night) because of this 12 step program....once again congratulations....and keep coming back..
p.s. many thanks for all your film reviews over the years......isn't it nice to do it sober?
To Marie:
Meh. The whole earth is fascinating, unless you're hanging out with some of the acquaintances of Gibbons & co. We love our little corner of the earth and we love everywhere else too, we wish more people could be like us, but then we would'nt be having this conversation and it'd probably get quite dull. I wish I knew more about Canada, but my knowledge of your chilly part of the world is quite limited (probably because you're not as naughty as your neighbours to the south). I love Aaron Funk/Venetian Snares of Winnipeg though, that guy is a crazy genius and one of the last few people that was on the late great John Peel's list of notable contemporary musicians. His album Rossz csillag alatt született (Hungarian for born under a bad star) is the greatest re-working & fusion of classical music, blues and contemporary breakcore imaginable. He alongwith a few Brits like Richard D. James/Aphex Twin and Tom Jenkinson/Squarepusher along with many others have added a whole new dimension to contemporary music, which I won't go into too much detail here, lets just say they make music seem like art again; and of course who can forget Guy Maddin? What are you feeding your people up in Winnipeg? That is one clever Guy, pardon the poor pun :)
Bend It Like Beckham is an unusual departure for an Indian film, but then it is made by Britons about British Indians, by a woman no less..so I guess that makes it Brindish? That sounds like bangers tikka mash yum (not)..somehow I don't think Brindish is going to catch on. I don't know if you know this, but there was a lot of negativity in India to Boyle's Slumdog, people said it reinforced a stereotypical view of India yada..yada..yada.. I personally think that it is a sub-conscious admission that there is a lot wrong with our country and embarrassment that it takes an outsider to show it to us. It's not like we can't see it, we are all aware of it but in our very male and money driven film industry surprisingly, producers, directors, writers, filmmakers in general don't seem to have the b*lls to make a film that accurately represent life for well over half of our population. I liked the Namesake by Mira Nair too, who is also a woman (naturalised American methinks), there seems to be a pattern emerging here :) if you have'nt watched it you might want to check it out. Some of our older indigenous films especially the b/w ones aren't so bad either, there's one with Sharmila Tagore (close relative of Nobel laureate Rabindranath Tagore, also known for the third installment of the Apu trilogy), in which she plays a prostitute which is quite good, I can't remember it's name though, I'll try and find out. It's the song n' dance, it's the song n' dance, it's the song n' dance..it drives me nuts.
I'm with you on the whole education and economics thing. Muslims in India remain lamentably marginalised and I think that a lot of it is down to education. It is a visible trend in a lot of places with a large population of muslims. I myself know some very well educated ones, for example a family I know that works for the Saudis say that they find the same level of spiritual peace in a hindu or sikh temple, or a church, as they do in a mosque. I know some very well educated people in the middle east (or, to us the middle west hehe) that are hopelessly indulgent, when they visit Europe they do everything their religion expressly forbids them to (gambling, womanising, drinking, eating pork, other substances).. I don't mind what they do, I am somewhat skeptical of how much they do it. I do feel for the Persians, I do not agree with their politics at all, but they have just been so unfortunate from a geographical perspective. They have been under attack or, under threat for a period that stretches back to the ancient Greeks and includes pre-partition Indians. In a way they are a buffer between us and some of their more fanatical (generalisation) neighbours. They are a very intelligent people, that also make quite good films, I guess you sort of have to when the constraints you have to make them under stretch your imagination so. It is depressing that the islamic regime does'nt even allow the Persian Zoroastrians to perform their funeral rites, because they find it conflicting with islam. What you said about stupidity reminded me of one of Einstein's quotes and made me think that even here there are a fair few people commenting that seem to have it all figured out. All I can say is it's a shame. Sorry I could'nt watch the youtube clip, my internet connection has been playing up and after the fifth attempt I gave up. Youtube Aphex Twin, he has some very original music videos like "Come To Daddy", "Rubber Johnny" and "Windowlicker" to name a few. I still think that women in India have comparatively historically enjoyed an elevated status and as soon as we became independent, they started flourishing again. Nice talking to you as well. Good times.
To Tom:
I have a close friend who ate a ridiculous amount of hash brownies and went to watch the Da Vinci Code and he actually thought that he was in the film solving the code. I laughed so hard when we came out of the theatre and he told me. Once upon a time a long time ago, without warning, I was given acid spiked tea by a bunch of teenaged goths (who used to sit around listening to Korn whinging that nobody understood them and all now work in offices, apart from one who's a full time pusher/dealer which is sad). That was extremely unpleasant. Drinking and writing can't work, can it? You see everything in doubles to begin with, then there's involuntary regurgitation and finally the extreme uncoordination it tends to induce..
I agree with sansho that the ego cannot be removed or subsumed, but is it possible to overcome it? There are quite a few buddhists out there who would say it can. I third Kugan's post, very thoughtful and with regard to his/her hypnotism bit, I sometimes wonder whether buddhists have merely hypnotised themselves or if they are truly enlightened or whether true enlightenment means to hypnotise yourself to avoid materialism. I suspect there's some truth in all of those questions.
Cut me some slack on the definition of holocaust dude, I'm only 26 and can't know everything. :) I did know it, I just thought that my comments would'nt carry the same weight if I mentioned oh by the way, this is what the word holocaust used to mean before its present usage. As it is RDS seems to think I did'nt understand him/her.
What I did not know was how Hamlet was traced back to the Bhagavad Gita, that's very interesting. I doubt Shakespeare was aware of that though and Hamlet remains one of the greatest works on the human condition regardless of its process of formation. Thanks for letting me know how though. About meeting interesting people, yes, I could do as you say (which again thanks for telling me) or, I could meet ten of you and hear your stories; it's the stories that interest me more and it is all thanks to Roger :) As for conincidences, I started watching Jenji Kohan's Weeds Season 5 a few days back and now there's all this talk about Mary J. If you watch/have watched Weeds, Mary Louise Parker fits this format very well, would'nt you agree? I'm not disputing what you say about Fellini Satyricon; of course I took you at your word that it was very faithful to the original poem, you seem to be very well informed in great detail about things that interest me immensely, that is very helpful to me and I am thankful for that too. But, if you look back to the post where I first mention Fellini Satyricon and link it to Baraka, you'll notice the parallel I draw is between the sounds of both the ritual in Bali and the one in Rome, not the rituals in their entirety. What puzzles me is how they can sound so similar. It's hardly like sheet music existed in ancient Rome and considering that Europeans had'nt sailed directly to India (which is kind of on the way to Indonesia) until the Portuguese explorer Vasco Da Gama landed on our sunny Calicut shores in the fifteenth century, I found it very curious how these two cultures could have such similar sounding rituals and from an anthropological standpoint considering how much of an influence Indian culture had in Indonesia, you would expect reciprocally reflected traditions in India; India is very big, very diverse and very old, but I don't recall any ritual sounding like that or for that matter looking like that, of course there might be one and I just might not know about it. Instead, what you find is the representation of an ancient Roman ritual in a 20th century film, which sounds like a present day Indonesian ritual. Even if both of the rituals were auditorily alike at the time of their conception, it's still quite unique that being so far apart they would sound so similar, even having presumed that somehow they managed to cross such vast distances. Bear in mind, I was speaking of synchronicity :) Nice chat we've got going here. Good times.
To Sansho:
Good luck and I hope you get the help you need. The only thing I would say is that unless you become an ascetic or, are very, very lucky, I think you're going to be hard pressed to find a setting devoid of such attitudes. Good luck again though.
To Bill Hays:
Good luck on trying to convince Roger to do what YOU want him to do. I'm sure he'll be all too happy to let you dictate to him how he should define himself. If ever you decide to come to India, without any holiness or religion or, psychology involved I promise you I will try to help you with the atomic wedgie that seems to be bothering you so. I have nothing against people with agendas, I have nothing against your agenda but, just a friendly piece of advice, do with it what you will - try not to tell people how they should live their life, if you show them how you live yours and that's not sufficient, perhaps there's something wrong with your way. If you try to involve me in a shouting contest as you do with others, I'm sorry I shall have to politely decline. Deep breaths Bill and counting to 10 works a charm for me, try it.
To RDS:
Alright friendo. I'm sorry, I'm wrong and you're right. Just out of curiosity, how eaxctly do you define "clear thinking"? Again, "..partake in the actual punishment of the criminals"? It still is a film you know and clearly invites one to apply a bit of lateral thinking as do most Tarantino films. You don't know me, but let me tell you a little bit about myself - I am for compassion, sensible discourse, humility and hilarity. I am against the death penalty, against cruelty of any sort (apart from ironic literary/journalistic jocularity) and am most of the time against war, unless it is against the Nazis, Rwanda, Darfur or similar instances of insanity. I am not going to touch any of the middle eastern conflicts with a ten foot barge pole, because it is all very, very complicated and I'm not sure I fully understand all of it. We (Indians) have had and are having problems with our muslim citizens and am sure will continue to do so for some time, this does not mean that we use the same derogatory brush to paint every muslim everywhere into a uniformly opaque discriminatory image. Majority of the muslim problems in the world are political in nature and extremists have hijacked religion to appeal to the baser senses of its adherents. There are some bio-technologists which would have us all have designer babies, does that mean we're going to let them? There are over 2 billion muslims in the world in places as diverse as Bangladesh, India, Indonesia, Malaysia, Turkey and UAE to name a few that don't come even close to fitting your description of them. Your comment to Marie is again a sweeping generalisation and dare I say patronising - to begin with, if a self-help book actually helps someone, more power to the people writing and reading them. I have told you about my experiences with muslims, Roger has previously also mentioned some of his and you instead of telling us if you have actually personally had any negative experiences with them are just parroting a meme that has been fashionable for some time. Even if you did have a negative experience it still does'nt mean all muslims "..get into a frenzied mob and pitch gasoline into a rail car full of women and children". You are either referring to events that happened during the independence period of India or to the Gujarat riots - loathsome as both those events and several more were, it does not mean we brandish our population of over 200 million largely peaceful muslims as fanatics. That is myopic, downright ignorant and an insult to the founding principles and the founding fathers of India, most prominent among whom was Mahatma Gandhi, who would rather have died protesting non-violently than harm his persecutors. "They often dodge the real substance of the argument." Would you have us discuss millitary strategy? Most of us are speaking in laymen's terms about most things, that is why we have government, if we disagree with the steps they take, we let them know about it come election time. I have no vested interest in any religion, even the ones I speak more favourably of such as hinduism, what I would like to see is a more reasonable world. Neither am I an apologist for any religion looked unfavourably upon, however what I find difficult to abide is when intelligent people say stupid things. You are not helping that one bit. You seem to be an intelligent person, set the bar a little higher for yourself why don't you?
Quick afterthoughts and related question - when punishment is handed out through the trial process and the victims bear witness, as in the Jewish community witnessing the Nuremberg trials, or any tort based criminal proceedings in general, do you not think that, that is indirectly "partaking in the actual punishment of the criminals"? I might not have understood you and if so, I apologise, but did you understand me? I was making a figurative point, I was born long after WWII but as a human being, I feel responsible for its cruelties and feel that we owe it to both the Jewish community and to ourselves to face some discomfiture to realise what grave errors we have made in the past, continue to make and are prone to make. This does not translate into retribution/punishment as you might have mistakenly construed from what I said. I was speaking for the good of humanity which includes you, it however does'nt mean that you're not free to exclude yourself. If you wish to remain fit, you exercise and if you wish to prevent gencocide, you take what knowledge comes your way even if that is offensive to your delicate sensibilities and if that happens to be from Tarantino and quite good as most responses to it appear to suggest it is, all the better. Curiously you sidestepped that entirely in your response. I don't mean to attack you and if that is what my response to you appears to do I am genuinely sorry. Oh, one last thing - I did ask you to think, not to think clearly..I'm not sure there is such a thing as thinking clearly. You either think, or you don't, the difference tends to lie in how much, or how little.
Once again, sorry Roger. I just could'nt 'elp meself sir.
Indian Idiot (H.W.)
Well, Idiot, both Roger, Marie -- and I, 'enjoyed' 'Inglorius Basterds' without this 'thoughty sanitizing' you seem bent on applying to it. And, BTW, you 'pipe down'; and I'd advise you put in more paragraphs; and, less BS.
I still give 'Basterds' a thumbs down.
I've considered this trend to over the top carnage. Mel Gibson is another who delights in graphic gore; but, his is plain 'sober' to the opportunistic 'hey! Look at this, ' from Tarrantinos attempts to speak for Jews everywhere and the audience with presumptions that we need his vicarious slaughter.
[ Mr. Ebert I do recall you deploring David Lynch's display of the suicide shot-gunning of Willem's character's skull cap off, as that of a sick adolescent who wants to show us pictures in the school yard we'd rather not look at. ] I think it goes under the loose definition as 'intemperate'.
Marie: 'And I loved how pleased Christopher Waltz's character was with himself, for scoring a deal with the Allies which would see him saving his own neck. I yelled "WEAZEL!" and then smiled for having been so entertained by him. :)'
[The real comedy was that we knew he wasn't dealing with people who were 'sane' and that we were going to see the 'little queer' squirm --and he squirmed real good.]
A followup, after reading various posts and my post on naltrexone.
If you've ever thought you're drinking too much, you are. If you ever "need a drink", you're a drunk or becoming one.
If you're young and drinking too much, stop. I began at 16 or so, and stopped at 50. I was high functioning most of the time, so it was too many beers or wine in the evenings. Worked every day, made a career, good family and money.
But, my god, what a colossal waste of my time it was to be boozed every night. Work 1/3, sleep 1/3...and be drunk 1/3? Jesus, there's better things to do than that with a life. For you young, high-functioning professionals, read "Drinking -- a Love Story".
So, whether naltrexone, AA, religion or whatever does the job, all I can advise is there's too much life out there to see it in a fog. It truly sucks after a while.
Roger, thanks for the blog. Hope it helps a couple of people out.
Ooh..ooh..one more.
Bill Hays said: "Salvation" is a clear example of what we call "blue sky." The crooks are trying to sell you a piece of air. The crooks are trying to sell you something that doesn't exist."
Let me get this straight - which are you saying does'nt exist "blue sky" or "air". Ain't that a zinger? On second thought don't reply Bill. Remember deep breaths 1-10. Deep breaths 1-10. You're among friends here, this is a safe place. Lighten up dude, a bit of levity and a bit of brevity never did anyone any harm. We all love you, really.
Indian Idiot (H.W.)
Dull Haze,
Your use of the word 'fiction' is telling here. Considering we are on the blog of a film critic, it seems odd to equate fiction with nonsense. As for a 'reality check', the article I linked to in my last post was just one hint of a much more literal way in which fictions can influence and change realities.
[ Has anyone else noticed Richard Dawkins quasi-sexual delight/disgust smirk when he uses the word "nonsense"? (I once found a few Lewis Carroll books on the top shelf of his bookcase, hidden behind "Origin of the Species". The pages were stuck together) ]
As for the higher power being no more than a projection of a psychological contour we base on our fathers: What about children growing up in homes with absent, or deceased fathers? Or orphans. All militant atheists?
If you'd then suggest we would assume that psychological contour from our mothers, or another carer, what about where children transcend bad, distant or otherwise unhealthy relationships with a one or both their parents and still find value in religion, or a higher power, or g/God?
(Nice bit: Salvador Dali became increasingly Catholic as he grew older. His relationship with his father doesn't seem to explain away his attraction to the Holy Trinity either, especially the first bit. After a particularly bad argument he handed his father a condom containing his own sperm, saying, "Take that. I owe you nothing anymore!")
And what about Hanuman, the Hindu monkey god? Which parental figure is that deity derived from? Or any other of the more creative deities in pantheons across world religions. (10 heads??? A jackal head???). Were these valid, psychologically sound, examples of human creativity at work? Man's colourful representations of a very real, intuitively known, sensed relationship with his idea of a higher power? Or should all those cultures have been electro-shock therapy'd too (or an equivalent...maybe some kind of extra scratchy atheist habit).
I do like South Park, but sometimes I think they get things wrong, just a little. Funnily enough, Richard Dawkins was in a recent episode. That one was pretty on the money. This clip seems very relevant right now:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/155374
I'm sure he wouldn't want to, but it might be more fun for Roger to convert you to Catholicism. I'll hold back Bill's arms, someone stuff that wafer in his mouth.
Roger: I continue to admire you as a movie critic. And if AA works for you, good for you. If standing on one's head makes it work for that person, good for him. I used to consume two 1.5-liter bottles of white wine a week -- one at each sitting. I tried AA for two weeks. If you saw the recent episode of "Rescue Me" where Denis Leary rants at AA members for telling and re-telling the same smug, boring stories of how they got sober, that's how it was for me. I'm a member of Facebook, and I started an FB group called "Alcoholics Unanimous" as an antidote for those smug storytellers at AA.
What changed my thinking, believe it or not, was the new A&E series "Hoarders." I watched the first episode and realized that, in my own way, I was a hoarder. I would buy a big bottle of wine and get indignant if my wife asked me to share it with her, as though I was a little kid who didn't want to share a toy with his friend. I realized then that mine was not a drinking problem, but a control issue. I have since cut back to two regular-sized cocktails every night. I swear.
I followed your link to the webpage stating that the 95% failure rate of AA is inaccurate and that it is more like 68%. That's still two-thirds of AA people who fall out of the program. If the doctor who operated on you had a 68% failure rate, would you have been eager to have him cut you open?
Ebert: Faulty math. Those stats refer to those who stay sober after one try. Not everyone does.
If someone tries 10 times and fails nine, that's a 90% failure rate, but they're sober tody.
Also, also one more thing Tom before I head off to bed in a couple of hours; remember we were speaking of coincidences? That Woody Allen quote I mentioned yesterday is from his film Anything Else and guess what..it was Roger's 'Overlooked DVD Of The Week'! Just noticed that, I did.
Roger,
Thank you for the "open talk". The link was sent to me by a dear friend. Today is my 14th anniversary and I am truly grateful that people such as you were there to "pass it on" when I finally realized that I was either going to stop drinking or die. The "easier softer way" is recovery with the help of others who have been down the path before me.
Congrats on your 30. Maybe one day we shall meet as we trudge the road to happy destiny.
Jim K
So, asking someone to re-think the 12 Step program is like "Yoga For the Brain."
Bill, the person who is in the position to most benefit from this blog needs simply to move, to put himself or herself in motion. In movement a person has a chance. I am sure that this simple binary choice to move, to put oneself in motion, is the difference, within this context of liberation, within all contexts of liberation.
Its too bad that something that tastes so good (certain Beers and Wines) can be eliminated due to one not being able to control it. Though I guess the same can be said about people who eat too much junk food, or watch too much TV, etc. Many things can become uncontrollable in our lives. We just rely on something or another. For some its alcohol, others certain drugs, others ice cream. Though, people who have addictions to ice cream probably can't find a support group as easily.
Hi Nick
You said................There will always be atheists and agnostics so dedicated to being atheists and agnostics that the mention of considering something - anything - to be a "higher power" will work them into a holier-than-thou lather.................
There are Atheists like you described and there are Atheists like myself who look at all the Secular/Atheist hating rhetoric in the primary AA Literature and can not believe that the the Authors or the Literature has any good intention for Secular people. That kept my away from the only addiction self/help group in my area "AA" for years. I became sober myself using online material even though I do now supplement my personal regiment with local AA meetings that do not use the AA Literature. Any benefit that I have gotten from AA was from the membership despite the Literature.
Abbadun
You have been one of my biggest heroes for a long time and I look to you as an excellent model of word-craft, critical thinking, and gentle humor.
This honest and approachable piece only cements my love!
Chicago is lucky to have you, Roger.
Great story, Roger. And personal stories tell it all...the pain of suffering and the joy of recovery. It is with these stories that we help others, offering empathy and understanding. This is how recovery works.
Treatment is an experience, but recovery is a process lasting a lifetime. Addiction is a chronic disease and without daily maintenance the addict is doomed.
Working with others helps me stay sober; I've been in recovery since April 1986 and my life was forever changed for the better.
Thanks and keep up the good work.
May God bless,
Don Rothschild
I hope to join you soon in your triumph. This is probably the worst of all self-implications, but I'm too scared to try right now.
The camaraderie that you mention with your fellow AA members at the meetings reminds me of the relationship that my father-in-law had with his shipmates from the fleet carrier he served on in WWII. While there are many fraternal organizations that can also foster such feelings, I think that the aspect of shared trouble/danger deepens the bond.
I have often said that I hope that my sons can find that same sense of camaraderie without having to serve in a war. Now I will have to amend that to include "and without being an alcoholic".
Thank you for your moving story, and safe journey to you.
Hello again Roger,
A few days ago I responded to your post by relating my experience growing up with alcoholic parents.
Something I neglected to add in my closing, in my pointing out my pride in your accomplishment, was to mention how your choice to stop drinking not only affected your life and the lives of your loved ones, but it also created a whole new world of opportunities for hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions of people across the globe.
One need only to look at the achievements you have had in your career, your shows, books & film festivals for instance, to see just how influential and precious just one mans life can be. You have created an industry which has employed and enriched the lives of so many. It is hard to fathom the void there would be in a world without your presence in our culture. I am sure your wife and family feel the same way about you being in their lives as well.
It goes without say that your continued alcohol abuse could have severely diminished, if not taken away entirely, all those things.
Choices are the paths we create which will lead us to health or sickness, happiness or sorrow, enlightenment or ignorance, wealth or poverty, tomorrow or oblivion.
By making the choices that you have, including the one to reveal what you did here, you have shown just how vital each and everyone of us can be to our fellow man - that the choices we make will affect not only ourselves our family or our friends.
I have noted a number of touching posts here where the author was someone who needed themselves to see your revelation here. If it inspires them, how many others will it as well that we have not heard about?
How many others will one day, perhaps while looking in a mirror with disgust, horror or resignation, recall through the fog and delirium, your words, your experiences, then look themselves in the eye and finally, resolutely, for once and for all, make that choice themselves to stop living in a bottle?
How many will realize that although the haggard face staring back at them in the mirror is to them just their own reviled reflection, to the rest of the world that image is the face a mother, father or spouse loves and worries about, or a child adores and looks to for guidance and understanding, a troubled friend welcomes for its compassion, or even that of a role model to a fan?
Your pivitol choice, 30 years ago, has shown that it does not matter if it is only One.
I have an immense respect for AA, although I am admittedly a bit disappointed by the responses some of the members have offered here. I know rules are there for a reason but, and I know that this is an extreme analogy, if the combined experiences of all mankind has shown us one thing it is that sometimes strictly adhering to the rigid barriers of rules, laws, can also have vastly negative effects as well. As a person who lost relatives in the holocaust I feel that speak from experience there as well.
I do not begrudge those members of AA who in responding here have chosen to remain anonymous, in fact I deeply respect their choice, I would ask them however to please respect the choice of a man who chose not to.
My name is Kerry. I am not an alcoholic, but I am affected by the choices of those who were.
Dull Haze,
Your use of the word 'fiction' is telling here. Considering we are on the blog of a film critic, it seems odd to equate fiction with nonsense. As for a 'reality check', the article I linked to in my last post was just one hint of a much more literal way in which fictions can influence and change realities.
[ Has anyone else noticed Richard Dawkins quasi-sexual delight/disgust smirk when he uses the word "nonsense"? (I once found a few Lewis Carroll books on the top shelf of his bookcase, hidden behind "Origin of the Species". The pages were stuck together) ]
As for the higher power being no more than a projection of a psychological contour we base on our fathers: What about children growing up in homes with absent, or deceased fathers? Or orphans. All militant atheists?
If you'd then suggest we would assume that psychological contour from our mothers, or another carer, what about where children transcend bad, distant or otherwise unhealthy relationships with a one or both their parents and still find value in religion, or a higher power, or g/God?
(Nice bit: Salvador Dali became increasingly Catholic as he grew older. His relationship with his father doesn't seem to explain away his attraction to the Holy Trinity either, especially the first bit. After a particularly bad argument he handed his father a condom containing his own sperm, saying, "Take that. I owe you nothing anymore!")
And what about Hanuman, the Hindu monkey god? Which parental figure is that deity derived from? Or any other of the more creative deities in pantheons across world religions. (10 heads??? A jackal head???). Were these valid, psychologically sound, examples of human creativity at work? Man's colourful representations of a very real, intuitively known, sensed relationship with his idea of a higher power? Or should all those cultures have been electro-shock therapy'd too (or an equivalent...maybe some kind of extra scratchy atheist habit).
I do like South Park, but sometimes I think they get things wrong, just a little. Funnily enough, Richard Dawkins was in a recent episode. That one was pretty on the money. This clip seems very relevant right now:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/155374
I'm sure he wouldn't want to, but it might be more fun for Roger to convert you to Catholicism. I'll hold back Bill's arms, someone stuff that wafer in his mouth.
The camaraderie that you mention with your fellow AA members at the meetings reminds me of the relationship that my father-in-law had with his shipmates from the fleet carrier he served on in WWII. While there are many fraternal organizations that can also foster such feelings, I think that the aspect of shared trouble/danger deepens the bond.
I have often said that I hope that my sons can find that same sense of camaraderie without having to serve in a war. Now I will have to amend that to include "and without being an alcoholic".
Thank you for your moving story, and safe journey to you.
Roger, I confess to having written you off due to your views on gaming not having any artistic merit (when you have never played games, and when there are thousands of crappy movies).
It's a great example of what being sober can do, once we put down that last drink, and the physical obsession and craving leaves us, we get a chance to work on the many character traits (I don't like calling them defects) that we put aside working on for decades in our active drinking days.
In my case, one of the (many) gifts of being sober is having the power of choice returned to me, and understanding that I make bad judgements, and that I can change my mind about someone (you in this case) without being (as) rigid and narrow minded.
As far as the anonymity issue goes, I feel that those who object to your blog strike me as narrow minded and rigid. I know what the tradition says, but there is a real danger for alcoholics in black and white thinking. It's what got us past the tipping point to begin with where we could not stop drinking on our own, without help. We don't deal well with issues that demand perfectionism (i.e. one must always be anonymous, no matter what, and no matter what good may come of it).
AA itself is not about perfectionism, you have no doubt heard it said yourself at countless meetings that the only thing we must do perfectly is not take a drink, today. That alone is a very difficult task and enough to focus on.
So, my feeling is, like many things in sober life, how does your blogging on your long sobriety help my (or others) sobriety? If it helps more than it hurts, then it's for the good - and in my view, I have a feeling you are going to help a lot of people to set aside their pre-conceived notions and fears about what AA is and have the courage to come to a meeting and find out how welcome they are, and what help is available.
And for those who are so adamant about being worried about the concept of god being rammed into their craniums, personally, I'm an atheist. AA hasn't changed that one bit. I've always been welcomed, and I'm comfortable with letting people know what my beliefs are (just like they do with me). I do have a higher power, which is AA itself, the most beautiful, caring people who continuously set aside any personal interest to help others get and stay sober, from the minute they walk through the doors.
So, you're back in my good graces Roger, we can just have different opinions about gaming :)
Thank you for sharing your experience, Mr. Ebert. I thought that my drinking was never "bad enough" to warrant treatment. There's always somebody who's worse, right? Now I see that I don't handle alcohol -- alcohol handles me. I went to my first AA meeting this morning. Thank you.
Jean Kirkpatrick, PhD, started Women for Sobriety over 30 years ago. She discovered, as I have, women enjoy sharing and feel a sense of freedom when they have their girl friends to discuss their various issues. We maintain an open book list.
WFS is an abstinence based program, with meetings both online, and face to face. It's also reccommended by a major healthcare provider in California, Kaiser Permanente.
(Unlike AA we are able market and advertise as much as we like = )
I've been involved with various forms of recovery for 19 years, and have found I truly enjoy the number of options available today.
Best regards,
Beth
Wow this site is growing real fast, every time I get back it keeps getting more comments.
I think it's simply astounding that you actually went to an AA meeting in the same building as your workplace. I would never have the courage to do such a thing and risk getting "exposed". I'm not an alcoholic but my dad is and it has torn me and the family(but especially me) apart.
You dodged a bullet by quitting early.
Congrats on a great article about the AA program, an emic perspective of what seems to some to be a secret society. I do believe you could have remained annonymous and held to the tradition and it would have been just as powerful but what's done is done.
My sponsor always reminds me not to congratulate someone on their sobriety because it wasn't their doing (it was because of AA and a higher power and all of those people in the rooms with us) so I will simply say, Happy Anniversary.
Roger:
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have loved your work for so many years and know I know we are both friends of Bill W. When I think of AA there is always so much gratitude attached. My life would be so different if I had not quit drinking 22 years ago.
I hope you are getting better from your grave illness of recent years, I have prayed for you, your health and family.
A hug,
Tish
Gilbert, Arizona
Congrats on your 30 yrs. I have been stuggling with sobriety for 10 yrs now. In and out of the rooms of AA. My problem early on was with God, as I did not understand or knew him and frankly was afraid of him/it/her. I thought I would be brainwashed as I have always been adversed to any type of organized religion. My problem staying sober is no longer with God, it is of mental health which I am working on now and have finally found proper doctors to help me address. But I digress, to those out there that have issues with the word god or what it may inply, as it did with me early on, an wise man told me at a meeting early on. God can stand for many things, for example Group Of Drunks can be a start...This Group Of Drunks in this room, together, is stronger than you, by yourself. They have been able to attain and maintain sobriety. Leaning on them can help you remain sober because it is something out side of yourself. Your best thinking by yourself got you here, now leaning on a Group of Drunks will help you get sober, reaching out for suport and fellowiship is the foundation of AA and without another drunk to guide you you alone will probably not be able to do it by yourself, so if you don't believe in the traditional GOD, believe in a GROUP OF DRUNKS...God can be whatever you want it to be as long as it is outside of yourself, including a radiator!!
Bill Hays is the perfect example of the Angry Atheist. Why are most atheists I encounter angry? I find that interesting.
Well, this is certainly an interesting read.
I am sure that AA will survive the horrible damage that all the Anonymity Police seem certain you have done to it.
I have been sober for 9+ years, and in the beginning AA was a lifeline to me like no other. It helped me a lot and I am eternally grateful to the understanding people there who were concerned only that I find it a helpful place to be, and to try to stay sober and embark on the path of recovery. That path of recovery took me to a new career as a teacher that has been incalculably rewarding. I learned the fundamentals of how to approach that new career in AA.
Fundies come in all stripes, shapes, and sizes, toting and thumping away at any number of treatises, bibles, and books, including the Big Book. As soon as someone mounts the high horse of certainty that he/she has A Message To Spread, whether it's to the shivering masses or to one person who has "violated Tradition", well, watch out.
Kudos to you, Roger, and may you be well.....
Well, this is certainly an interesting read.
I am sure that AA will survive the horrible damage that all the Anonymity Police seem certain you have done to it.
I have been sober for 9+ years, and in the beginning AA was a lifeline to me like no other. It helped me a lot and I am eternally grateful to the understanding people there who were concerned only that I find it a helpful place to be, and to try to stay sober and embark on the path of recovery. That path of recovery took me to a new career as a teacher that has been incalculably rewarding. I learned the fundamentals of how to approach that new career in AA.
Fundies come in all stripes, shapes, and sizes, toting and thumping away at any number of treatises, bibles, and books, including the Big Book. As soon as someone mounts the high horse of certainty that he/she has A Message To Spread, whether it's to the shivering masses or to one person who has "violated Tradition", well, watch out.
Kudos to you, Roger, and may you be well.....
Roger, thank you for sharing a very inspiring story. Also, I love your work. If you keep writing, I'll keep reading.
Nancy, thinking is no crime. Trying not to is more cumbersome than going through all those curlicued thoughts, I say. I think it's no coincidence that Molly's story, just below yours, was to black out every day -- is not one of the motives of alcoholism to avoid thinking? As in the old cliche "I drink to forget?"
And to blot out one's ego? Speaking of more coincidences, non-Idiot Indian, my entire first-hand detailed experiences with alcholics were in having three clients in a row, one after another, some years ago. Because it was business I couldn't just shoo them away. Each meeting came and went in such an even progression, each so different, strangers to each other, but their behavior dovetailing as it did, that my astonishment was a help in trudging through the MOST obnoxious drama these people tangled reality up in. It seemed Coincidence Central had studied my dossier, decided I hadn't had enough experience with alcoholics, and arranged these meetings like in a Dickens tale.
As to "overcoming" the ego, that was certainly Timothy Leary's plan (I hobnobbed awhile with one of his LSD sidekicks from those days). A good flushing is good for it, like washing your underwear now and then. But it needn't be flushed out with a firehose. Two of my friends are dead of LSD -- suicides. A little of this, a little of that, now and then, good for ya. Do, do do read what Kugan Vijayatharan wrote about it, above. How you people with strange names got so smart, I doubt that's a coincidence. Otherwise, a nice poetic saying I've heard is "the ego is the tool of the soul." Just keep it clean, is all... and I'm sure it has more implements than a gas pedal and a faulty steering wheel.
And I'm still laughing about Kugan finding Dawkins' copy of "Through the Looking Glass" with the pages stuck together. You Brownish People have become dangerously witty! But this means you need no longer keep multiplying into the billions just so everybody can be like you. PS I'm proud to know even the great grandson of the publisher who broke Rabindrath Tagore to the world.
And I'm an Amitabh fan, even through the Bollywood contrivances. He'll go international like DePardieu if he hasn't yet. He gets better as he gets older, too. Maybe Deepa Mehta will know what to do with him. Maybe Spielberg will.
Don't forget, before literacy there was memory. People memorized enormous amounts of information. We've become gnat-like and think that great memories are some kind of fluke. Still, sheet music existed in Ancient Egypt, too. There's a YouTube of a man playing ancient egyptian music. Methinks he's not playing it well at all.
Methinks this because an Ethiopian musician client recorded an album with me, the croata, learned through generations going back to the Hittite Kingdom. He could set that 1-string-cigar-box on FIRE. A thousand years from now someone will be wondering about the strange similarities between the American blues and Ethiopian music.
The DaVinci Code isn't a quarter as interesting as the lore on which it's based, and why I couldn't sit through it. Among that lore is that Jesus is buried in Japan. Someone ought to poke the grave with a stick now and then to see what stirs. But my point is, Ancient Rome and Ceylon weren't as far apart as we think they thought it was.
Shakespeare took the story of Amleth from the Danish scholar Saxo who got it from the Finns. So that was no speculation. DiSantillana and von Dichend backed up all their conclusions that way. Since the Bhagavad Gita is what it is, it's not so noticeable that it's the story of a wicked uncle, but there it is. HAMLET'S MILL was why I read the Gita, followed a suggestion, finally awoke with my heart not moving and my lungs not breathing, almost didn't come back. So drug and alcohol experiences have seemed piddling in comparison.
So. There certainly is a "spiritual" connection between alcohol and the mind -- the mind, that is, not merely "the brain." I think what I'm looking at in these posted stories are attempts to shut the mind and its ego down, to the point of habitually or obsessively so.
In thinking that Tradition 11 is a suggestion of discretion, not secrecy, the news does need discussed by those willing, while those who are ashamed can be quiet, and those bragging should, as always, shut up.
...Bill.
Hopefully Roger you don't drink again, it would be a shame if someone didn't care for your opinion drank again or didn't get the real message. "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation..." This is about ego reduction. I love your other reviews.
Reply to: Let me get this straight - which are you saying does'nt exist "blue sky" or "air". Ain't that a zinger? On second thought don't reply Bill. Indian Idiot (H.W.)
What I said was, "Blue Sky" is a term that has been used for decades to refer to one specific thing.
http://www.niri-houston.org/fw/main/Bb-22.html?ModKey=mk$cmsc&CntID=2&LayoutID=11
Blue Sky Laws - A popular name for laws various states have enacted to protect the public against securities fraud. The term is believed to have originated when a judge ruled that a particular stock had about the same value as a patch of blue sky.
http://financial.rrd.com/wwwFinancial/Resources/Library/glossary.asp
Blue Sky Law
(USA) State laws regulating the offer and sale of securities.. The name 'blue sky' comes from the preamble to an early Wisconsin law designed to prevent companies from selling pieces of the blue sky to unsuspecting investors. (end)
California’s Blue Sky Laws are found in Sections 25000 through 25707 of the California Corporations Code, which sections are known as the Corporate Securities Law of 1968 (the “CSL”) and in the Regulations promulgated by the Department of Corporations.
What I meant was, "salvation" is something that does not exist. Organized religion has spent centuries asking lawmakers to make sure "blue sky" and "Fraud" laws don't apply to them.
Reply to: Kugan Vijayatharan: As for the higher power being no more than a projection of a psychological contour we base on our fathers: What about children growing up in homes with absent, or deceased fathers? Or orphans. All militant atheists?
An interesting question. In fact, this question has been discussed in atheist circles for decades. I'll let you look it up.
Reply to: To Bill Hays: Good luck on trying to convince Roger to do what YOU want him to do. just a friendly piece of advice, do with it what you will - try not to tell people how they should live their life,...
As I said earlier, there's an 18 year-old man who was tried as an adult for something he did when he was 16. I wish I could have told him how to live his life. He made a mistake that I could have easily made. When you're a new driver, you want to find out if your car can actually go 100 miles an hour. Robert Redford did it once in New York, after he took delivery on a new Ferrari.
Let me clarify. I'm NOT asking Roger to become an agnostic.
What I'm saying is, based on the facts he's shared with us, he IS an Agnostic.
And the title "Catholic" is defined by a group with HQ in The Vatican, and if you actually read THEIR definition, Roger isn't a Catholic.
It's just a matter of bookkeeping. He's got a mark in the wrong column.
OK, the daily Bernie Madoff story. When various feeder funds drew out $7 billion, Bernie went hunting for new investors. He met with the founder of Home Depot and asked him to invest in a new fund with only five members, at a higher rate of return than previous funds. The guy from Home Depot said, "I don't trust a man who treats his previous investors that way. Some of them have been with Bernie for 20 years, and he's not offering them a higher rate of return?"
At that point, Bernie knew that he would never have any money to pay back new investors, so he was trying to steal money from someone who had never invested in his company before, to buy himself a few more months to siphon off money for his children. He was a thief, pure and simple.
Bernie sold his investment services to many members at the Palm Beach Country Club. One of them lost $80 million.
Yes, I think we've reached a point where we don't buy something like "Salvation" or "Catholicism" without asking the Senior Partners to answer a list of questions.
I don't mind the term "fundamentalist atheist" because it distances me from "Agnostic." Roger doesn't want to be like me. He's not on a Crusade to right wrongs and proclaim the Truth.
A thoughtful, intelligent person who seriously considers the evidence and is unable to reach a definite answer is Agnostic.
Atheists are something else.
I'm just trying to establish what an "Agnostic" is and why it isn't a badge of shame any more. Then he could go to meetings for "Agnostics Anonymous" and enjoy himself. "Hi, I just joined the club. And by club, I mean I only drink the club soda."
I like the idea of cross-examination. I like the idea that the person on the witness stand can face criminal charges for perjury if he lies. We need more of that to protect us from the Bernie Madoff types.
Are we ready to talk about "Avatar" yet? I am.
Lol at Tom's whole "Saint Bill" paragraph. Chick tracts is brilliant, it reminds me of "Jesus Camp" for some reason. I also liked "Chick Tracts: Their Origin And Refutation - The Nightmare World Of Jack T. Chick" over at catholic.com. You'd think "they" could'nt make this stuff up, but "they" I think exist only to prove "us" wrong and if "we" somehow magically vanished, I don't think "they" would quite know what to do. There's a valuable lesson in there, I think :)
I just saw your most recent post RDS - Mel Gibson "..delights in graphic gore.." and is "plain sober", do I really need to question you about this comment? I seriously hope you're not a closeted anti semite. Gibson through 'The Passion Of The Christ' is speaking to and for catholics everywhere (and is not terribly unsubtly highlighting "the betrayal" of the Jews), perhaps you missed that and his public accusation of Jews that caused a big hue and cry, justifiably I thought. Tarantino on the other hand is not speaking for anyone other than Tarantino, if through that other people benefit he's happy I think. Historical example - think Jackie Brown and the 'blaxploitation' genre. Neither am I speaking for humans everywhere; I'm speaking for myself and what I think, you're completely free to reject my 'thoughty sanitizing', I'm not forcing it upon you, I'm offering it to you and by the way, there can be no sanitising because neither have I watched the film yet and nor would I sanitise the violence in it, I am merely suggesting that the premise of the film and the violence contained therein, sounds to me justifiable (as the premise of the film). You're just assuming what I have done or rather what I would do had I seen the film. Like I said previously, you either think, or you don't, the difference tends to lie in how much, or how little. If you still disagree with me, like I said, I'm sorry, I'm wrong, you're right and let this be the end of it.
I'm back off to sleep it's 05:00 a.m. here and I see sleepyland beckoning, again.
Indian Idiot (H.W.)
1.) Jekyll & Hyde. Absolutely NO accident that what changes him from man to beast is A DRINK!
2.) IT IS GOOD that Dear Ebert told his story. Clarity, honesty, and the importance of knowing this can affect ANYone! And can be overcome.
3.) Gotta run - Pepsi awaits. See!? NO ONE is perfect.
4.) Thank you, Dear Ebert, for being alive in my lifetime. Such a blessing you are to all of us. ;.)
Dear Mr. Ebert,
You can add me to the list of drinking alcoholics who have been inspired to get out to a meeting after reading your blog post. 13 years ago I told myself I could quit on my own. I've been drinking and hating myself since then. Last night I read your post and it was the catalyst I needed to finally admit that I can't do it on my own. I went to a meeting. Tonight, I am going to another.
Very sincere thanks to you, sir.
Roger-
Like you I am a lifelong Chicagoan, successful writer and, yes, a friend of Bill. Inspired, I wrote this piece on my blog. Thank you.
http://godsofadvertising.wordpress.com/2009/08/31/roger-ebert-reviews-his-30-years-in-alcoholics-anonymous/
Tom Dark wrote on August 29, 2009 12:24 PM…
"My one experiment with hashish gave me tunnel-vision."
Really? It always gave me a sore throat and why I’ve always preferred pot; hash is such a coarse smoke. In terms of alcohol, it’s like the difference between moonshine and a 10 year old single-malt scotch - at least the stuff folks grow in BC is nicely cured.
"Non-Idiot Indian H.W., I admit to a little discomfort watching Brad Pitt's swastika-carving schtick. But that's because I used to watch my father slaughter livestock, and grew up to do the same. For that I suspect there is considerably more cheer involved, particularly applying the procedure to a human being, with which I have yet to experiment myself." – Tom Dark
I’m so eager to get back to talking about films, I’m just gonna jump into your conversation, if that’s okay?
You had to kill livestock?! (Remind me never to p*ss you off, dude.) Chuckle! I prefer to embrace the lie that all the chickens I’ve ever eaten, went to sleep and died peacefully in the night while happily dreaming of flying. I cling to this lie because I like grilled chicken breasts with rosemary. As for Brad Pitt’s swastika-carving and scalping in general...
One of the things I love about HBO’s Dexter (note: season 4, ep 1 has been leaked online a month in advance, woo-hoo!) is the extent to which I’m presented with acts of moral gray. For I enjoy being challenged by writers into examining things for myself – such as the nature of good and evil for example, and whether it’s possible to be a combination of both? Is Dexter a good man doing evil? Or an evil man doing good? (Given he kills rapists, murders, pedophiles etc.) And those same questions came up while watching "Inglourious Basterds" as I found myself wondering about all those Nazis who’d secretly managed to swing a deal or some such, in exchange for their freedom.
Imagine if they’d had a swastika carved onto their foreheads, eh?
Was it wrong for Pitt and Co. to carve them? Was it better or worse than scalping heads? Is it okay to mark a Nazi but not using a big knife while causing them pain? Is it wrong to enjoy doing that for seeing it as your duty ergo, as an act of patriotism? Does that make Pitt and Co. a bunch of flag waving self-righteous sociopaths on some level?
And what about the French Dairy farmer who’s forced into revealing that he’s been hiding Jews – as otherwise not only would they die, but him and his whole family too, and the girls likely suffering more into the bargain...
Note: Llakor from Montreal Canada wrote this on IMDB:
"It goes without saying that any Tarantino film is going to have fantastic dialogue, but when Tarantino made the decision to have the French characters speak French and the Germans speak German, beyond adding a level of authenticity, Tarantino also somehow ensured that his dialogue in French was as sharp and funny and clever as his English dialogue. Case in point, during the opening sequence the Nazi "Jew Hunter" SS Colonel Hans Landa (Christian Waltz) is interrogating French dairy farmer Perrier LaPadite (Denis Menochet). Landa suspects that LaPadite is hiding a family of Jews. While subtly pressuring LaPadite, Landa asks for a glass of milk. After greedily gulping it down, Landa compliments LaPadite on his daughters and his cows, "Mes compliments a vos filles et vos vaches." The thing of it is, in French "vache" means cow, but it is also a vulgar name for the vagina. If reprimanded for this vulgar pun, Landa could quite convincingly claim not to understand French well enough to have meant it that way, but Landa does mean it that way and he means it as a threat. And LaPadite understands his meaning all too well."
Eeeew!
When is it okay to save yourself? That’s what it all made me ask. And who is allowed to? Can a German save himself..? At the expense of a Jew? What if you were a German and hiding Jews and the scenario was the same? Would it be okay to carve a swastika on that German’s forehead, even if he were saving his family and kids?
Questions, questions, questions! And why I think it’s such a great film. It works on so many different levels and all at the same time. There’s tons of brain candy in addition to everything else. And it’s all done so artfully, with such care and attention to detail (again, fell off the back of a truck, I can rewind and really look at stuff) and there’s tons going on!
In the movie, "Nuit Allemande" is on the marquee of the Cinema. When literally translated using Babel Fish, it means "harms Germans". And G.W. Pabst's "L'Enfer blanc de Piz Palu" (Die weiße Hölle vom Piz Palü) starring Leni Riefenstahl’s from 1929 is also there. It means "The White Hell of Pitz Palu" in English. And what’s that film about you may ask? Man vs mountain and also, himself. With a vague romance tossed into the mix. Here’s a link with a detailed synopsis + tons of awesome screencaps! I’m trying to find that film now, moreover. Seems there’s been a successful transfer of it from the original nitrate stock.
http://teleport-city.com/wordpress/?p=881
Also, Leni Riefenstahl was a wonderful filmmaker. Pauline Kael called Triumph and Olympia "the two greatest films ever directed by a woman." But she also hung out with evil Nazis - would she have deserved a swastika too? Questions, questions. And so while it’s kinda icky to watch the carving stuff, I ultimately found it more thought provoking in the end than anything else.
I also liked how well the German actors portrayed their countrymen "as many were then" and based on a set of smug, superior-minded principles and ideals exacerbated by the Nazis aka fascists. I won’t be liked by some for saying this, but I’ve often seen a relative parallel between older examples of German/Dutch national pride and clueless American patriotism. At least from the outside looking in. And it did not escape my notice that Brad Pitt’s character was named Lt. Aldo Raine.
When said quickly, it sounds like "Aldo Ray" who was this macho Hollywood actor of the 50s with a rough voice. Aldo Ray was born in Pen Argyl, Pennsylvania – where a lot Dutch & Germans settled. There’s many ways to spell it but "RAINE" is said to derive from a shortened form of various pre-7th century Germanic male given names with the first element "ragin" meaning counsel. And the name "Aldo" is of Italian and Old German origins.
And Inglourious Basterds is a WWII "Spaghetti" Western in which the Americans are being creepy while being heroic while being arrogant and patriotic just like smug Germans! :)
Obscure Names and their Meaning...
"Among the Basterds that are being recruited by Raine, are two German refugees, a Corporal Wilhelm Wicki (the German actor and director Bernhard Wiki played Oberst von Stauffenberg in the 1955 film “Es geschah am 20. Juli”) and a certain Sergeant Hugo Stiglitz (the mexican actor Hugo Stiglitz is in the business for 40 years now and has starred in over 200 Western, horror and action movies, “Tintorea”, the Spanish-language answer to Jaws among them).
Tarantino's most interesting name creation is without a doubt Bridget von Hammersmark, which sounds like Brigitte (probably Metropolis star Brigitte Helm), the teutonic “von” and Germany's popular export movie director in Hollywood, Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. And with that Tarantino, who in his previous movies was satisfied with quoting movies in many many ways, takes a good step forward: not Brad Pitt, but cinema is the real protagonist in Inglorious Basterds, and cinema has a key role in the course of Tarantino's version of world history." – translated from German “In Tarantinos Weltkrieg werden Nazis skalpiert” written by Hans-Georg Rodek
And I’m just scratching the surface of this thing, dudes! I haven’t even begun to spelunk it in earnest yet. And something tells me that I’m going to end up spending 10 years discovering all kinds of movies in the process – cool stuff I’d never heard of before, a treasure trove of undiscovered goodies - awesome!
Re: Bend it like Beckham... It's about family and a girl who wants to play football and there's a penalty kick and a romantic element involving the totally cute coach played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers and there's FOOD and music and they play the soccer song in the closing credits - WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE ABOUT THIS MOVIE?!
I saw it at a festival theatre in Vancouver years ago, and everyone burst out cheering at the end and started singing! Hot, hot, hot...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmmXosIXLXc&feature=related
Note: I used to worship at the alter of Roberto Baggio aka: I love real football.
P.S. Roger, can you check your *&%$#! spam folder again?! I sent you a quick post about Jack Vettriano’s smoking femme fatale and I don’t see it because your SPAM FILTER is being a JERK! :)
That aside, it's time to make dinner now and then download True Blood!
I, too, recently celebrated 30 years in AA. Congratulations, Roger. However, what I cannot understand is how someone with 30 years does not know about the 11th Tradition -- We are anonymous at the level of press, radio, and film. Celebrity does not make you any less responsible for ALL of our principles. You are not special; you are not an exception. You owe AA an amends.
By Indian Idiot (H.W.) on August 29, 2009 6:26 AM
The instincts of the Nazis exist in all of us....
I disagree. I realize that the received and accepted view is that the German atrocities (I read `German` in place of `Nazi`, though even that is not wholly accurate, since there were participants assisting Germany`s crimes from throughout the Western world) are indicative of all societies, of all peoples, individuals even - you and me. Part of this view believes that all societies facing extreme economic turmoil are likely - because of the (so-called) `Nazis` - to partake in genocide. I think there is perhaps an interesting psychology involved that is far from me to unravel. But I would suggest that there is likely a compensatory effect at work: ignore the actual history but compensate by inventing a stand-in history that compartmentalizes and, though keeping the principle players and issues in place, perhaps reifies the meaning and connections. Why I am not sure, unless for the obvious reason that history in those lands that led to the holocaust did not end with the iron curtain.
Focusing on the `Nazis` as perpetrators of those atrocities rather than Germans (and Poles, and Romanians etc) allows for the notion that, like apparitions, the Nazis rose mysteriously from the earth and, with the collapse of the reich, returned likewise. But of course, rather than disappear like, i dunno, the black riders of Mordor, upon the collapse of the evil realm, the Nazis simply became citizens - that is, they continued on as they were. And I belief that this fact is at least partly responsible for the notion that suddenly we are all potential Nazis.
But we are not - at least, not in any deeper sense than, yes, since the murderers were/are humans then all humans have this potential. But, this doesnt tell us much. Its like - Ted Bundy was human and therefore we are all potentially Ted Bundy. To the point, by suggesting that all societies are likely to automatically commit genocide due to economic turmoil is just as false as suggesting that, were you to experience the same upbringing of Ted Bundy then you too would be a serial killer, is simply specious. It is historicism. Even more, I would suggest that such a notion implies that the Germans are not to be judged too harshly for, `there by the grace of god...` and all that. This thinking serves to, if certainly not exonorate those atrocities, then excuse the societies that committed them to some degree. More than that, it serves to gloss over the historical realities that developed in into holocaust. Realities that, as I said, did not merely evaporate in 1945, carried on by the same citizens after the war as during the war. And that would include a specific generation, specific classes, specific departments, specific individuals that have names and addresses. And perhaps that is the reason why we must all adopt the faith that we too would do that were we in the same situation. Because if not, then we would have to start printing names and addresses. And if we cant do that, then we have to live with a certain knowledge that poisons the air. So the notion that we are all Nazis helps societies to rationalize and forget, even in the midst of `remembering`. But suggesting that all people and societies are potentially Nazis does more than cheapen the figure of human nature; it misrepresents it. It historically simply isnt true.
My third post, and I will tell a little story about my path.
I had around six weeks without alcohol and so it happened that it was April, a long ago April. I was walking out my front door and something caught my eye - something purple on the ground. I looked down. I thought for what felt like a long time but it was probably only a few seconds.
Is that a flower? I thought...I thought. Yes, it is a flower. And then Oh my God! In that instant it hit me what profound damage I had done to myself: I hadn't known what a flower was. How long since I'd noticed a flower? I had no idea. How long since I'd seen in real color? I didn't know that either.
Every spring since that one I am profoundly grateful that I see the flowers.
Roger, you have helped others to begin to see the flowers, and their families, and themselves. You have done something to fulfill our most important belief: "When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that, I am responsible."
Kugan Vijayatharan,
Your expounding on the ego, and offered defense of belief in a higher power, was certainly a delight to read. So please forgive this perhaps somewhat trite remark, but I never ceased to be amazed at the ability of human nature to not only invent a god that prioritizes the trivial over the profound, the at times comical over the obscene, but actually empowers this god with just the right amount of power - not too much power for then the god will not likely have much interest in the personal plights of the beseecher. It is a dashboard god. And perhaps that is the best place for a god. I admit, as one indoctrinated in my society, when I think of a god I probably think of something quite different than you. You must think it absurd that a god should be all powerful and yet caught up in the trivial legalities. It is an amazing power (and I mean that in the human, political sense). Yet, again as a Westerner, I am immersed in thinking in terms of dichotomies - god is all powerful or he is nothing. We do not have much subtlety of mind in this sense I am afraid. Witness our friend Bill. Spurning formal religious catholicism he can think of no other position but, what in his mind, is the opposite - anti-religious catholicism. What he, (and I am afraid many of us) finds hard to even imagine is that he remains within the same paradigm, mistaking reflections for opposites.
Dear Roger, congrats on 30 years and a good sober life..........but I wish I would've heard this in the rooms, and the 11th Tradition had not been broken. I do not think that we should pick and choose what AA Traditions we will honor.
Mr. Ebert,
I never liked you as a kid. I felt like you always dragged my favorite movies through the mud. Now that I'm 33 Iv'e learned a few simple truths.
One...those movies sucked...two...I also am an alcoholic.
Eleventh tradition be damned. I've learned to trust your judgement, I wont even see a movie on video without consulting you first (my girlfriend hates it)
So if you've made a decision to come out of the AA closet, then God bless you.
On 12 August 2009 I celebrated 21 years' sobriety.
AA has helped me too. Thanks, Roger.
All the shenanigans here about the traditions have embarrassed me. Way too many bleeding deacons. Take what you want and leave the rest.
One day at a time...
Let go and let God.
Live and let live.
किसी ओर मैं आँखें फेरूँ, दिखलाई देती हाला
किसी ओर मैं आँखें फेरूँ, दिखलाई देता प्याला,
किसी ओर मैं देखूं, मुझको दिखलाई देता साकी
किसी ओर देखूं, दिखलाई पड़ती मुझको मधुशाला।।३९।
Wherever I turn, I see the wine
Wherever I turn, I see the cup,
Wherever I turn, I see the cup bearer,
Wherever I turn, I see the tavern.
I've gotta say, I'm one of those drinkers who are 99% immune to hangovers. Regardless, I got into some legal trouble in college due to my drinking and part of my probation forbid me to have a drop. I was evaluated for abuse and it was concluded that I was at risk for alcohol dependency. After my charges were dropped, I quickly purchased two 1.75L bottles of rum. One night while playing a drinking game with my roommates I ran out of a bottle and went to get the spare... and realized it too was empty. I'd consumed both bottles in just under two weeks, averaging 9 shots a day.
After college I would drunk drive, liquor it up alone at the cinema (Knocked Up was especially memorable) yet somehow never suffered a single serious consequence. No hangovers, no accidents. Maybe it was all just pure luck, but friends have told me I drive better drunk than sober. I'm not sure if that's a damnation of my normal driving ability or a compliment to being under the influence or maybe just a sign of bad friendships.
I don't know if this quantifies me as an alcohol today. It's a fine line between "college drinker" and a tried-and-true booze hound. I'm 24 now and still enjoy binging, though without the college crowd I've lowered my frequency. The only other differences now is that I rarely do so alone and rarely drive under the influence.
I share your past inability to have just one or two drinks. Once I start I don't stop until I'm good and drunk. But I can go a week without drinking anytime which leads me to feel I'm not an addict... or maybe it's just my scapegoat. Any thoughts?
Ebert: It's not how often you drink or how much. It's what happens. If you drink until drunk, as the doc says in the old joke, "Don't do that no more."
Thank you for sharing Roger. I've been on the ropes about going to A.A. for a long time. I've always been a little embarrassed and suspicious of organizations such as A.A., but it means a lot to me that you have used their program and gained from it.
I've been slowly tumbling into alcoholism for the last decade and I feel I was driven into alcoholism by my uncomfortable transition from University to the 'adult workforce'.
The irony is that I was a teetotal in college, often disdainful of my drunken schoolmates. In school I could revel in the fact that I did consistently better in my classes than my colleagues who drank and did drugs. That changed when I entered the workforce. I found it difficult to find work, and when I did find a job, I found it difficult to relate to my coworkers. My obvious youthfulness combined with my attitudinal differences lead to feelings of ostracism. I fell in and out of jobs and raked up debts trying to find my footing. All along, I felt I had been slighted for my efforts. Eventually, I turned to drinking as a way to loosen up and drop my curtain of self-consciousness. Counter-intuitively, the more I drank, the more successful I became.
I fear that I could never stop drinking because I would lose the one thing that allows me to relate well with others.
Wo, Mike Doran! Mechanized Death
"Steve, Steve, don't you think we should pull over and rest"?
"Naw, man I'm okay." WHAM! Then the real film footage.
Or "Highway Hypnosis." Semi trailer going 90 mph. 6 teens coming from the prom. Pulling out of a rest stop exit. Vreeewoooofloomt.
They never knew what hit them.
I grew up in Ohio and am here to tell you those things happened a LOT. Three kids I knew were killed in cars by the time I was 12. My older brothers didn't let me go along to see what happened every few months on rte. 94, but the day the train smacked full speed into the cement truck stuck on the RD crossing I at ten thought it was a great idea to collect blood-spattered gravel that spread a half mile up the track. Remember the scene in "Raising Arizona" where the loud-mouth co-worker was haw-hawing about a cop bringing back a head in one hand and a sandwich in the other? Our cop wasn't eating a sandwich. It landed a mile away.
I'm guessing that the reason we don't see dogs chasing cars much any more is that traffic weeded out the forebears inclined to do that. It was an ordinary sight.
You're not fooling anybody, Bill. We know what you're up to. Just watch it.
When I first saw this article my heart sank in disbelief then sadness. I didn’t need to read your drunk-a-log, there all the same for the most part. They say you shouldn’t take anyone’s inventory, but they say stick with the winners….
{I also do not believe there is not a God. My point is that belief in God is not required by AA.}
Who are you to say there is no God?
Do you think alcoholism is a disease?
{Ebert: Yes. One you can choose to be cured of.}
No, there’s not, you can be recovered from the obsession to drink, but there is a solution if and only if you follow the precise set of directions as stated in the Big Book though the 12steps and 12 traditions. Sure it’s only suggested , but in a way that when you sky dive they suggest you pull the rip cord..
{Ebert: He shouldn't get the idea that meetings are devoted to debating the AA traditions. I have indeed violated the 11th tradition, and I take the messages about that seriously, and understand them. I am disappointed however that part of this thread has been side tracked by the subject. }
You were leading with the chin, what did you expect from members of a 12 step program. Those of us that actually honor the 11th tradition are disappointed as well I’m sure.
{My purpose was to try to introduce the program to those who might need it, and those are the last people who care about such details. I am grateful for the many positive responses, the sharing, and the honesty. On the whole, this has been a wonderful experience. }
You should know that AA is for people who WANT it, not NEED it.
{To David B.
Roger,
Thanks for the brave recap of your worst days. I know what the 11th tradition says but if we remain totally inflexible we will go backwards.}
The 12 steps & traditions weren’t meant to be flexible, they’re PRECISE DIRECTIONS. Why don’t you just rewrite the whole Big Book??
It’s an obsession of the mind
We have NO mental defense against the first drink, which MUST come from a higher power!!
{Ebert: I have received a civil and kind message from a local AA representative. I'm not sure I would do all this again, but what's done is done.}
Why wouldn't you do it again??
Naltrexone, Give me a break. Alcohol is just a symptom. You take the desire to drink away all you have is a dry drunk.
Shame on you.
छोटे-से जीवन में कितना प्यार करुँ, पी लूँ हाला,
आने के ही साथ जगत में कहलाया 'जानेवाला',
स्वागत के ही साथ विदा की होती देखी तैयारी,
बंद लगी होने खुलते ही मेरी जीवन-मधुशाला।।६६।..Bachhan
In my fraction of life
How much can I love
How much imbibe
No sooner we arrive
It's time to depart
Along with the welcomes
Are preparations for the farewell
Sooner than it opens
My tavern of life begins to close.
A great rendition of these lines:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbyWQJUROzY
Mr. Ebert I am an active AA, with 22+ years of sobriety. While I truly appreciate your story and your sharing it with all. What about the tradition of anonymity at the level of press radio and film? The whole concept of anonymity is a spiritual cornerstone of our program. How do you make that work? I am not challenging your program and how you work it , I am always interested in seeing different ideas.
So frustrating to read messages from the Church of the 11th Tradition.
An earlier poster was correct, the only people making AA seem like a cult are people who freak out at the so-called 11th tradition violation without considering how far tipped this article is to HELPING PEOPLE, which is what, i think, the organizers would have intended. None of this stuff is written in stone.
I imagine most AA folks are decent people as Roger described, but these sort of anal retentive people make me wonder if it wouldn't be better just to continue drinking than to be around a class of people who are more fun and less full of themselves than these rule fanatics.
They are classroom snitches all grown up.
Roger,
First of all, congratulations on many accounts - for attaining 30 years of sobriety, but also for having the courage to write it about it so openly on this forum. I am very fortunate in that I am not an alcoholic, and to be perfectly honest, I have never really been exposed to true alcoholics who have battled the disease and had serious repercussions from it. Although I consider myself lucky in that regard, I truly did not appreciate how much of an addiction it is until much later in my life. I come from a family of very, very light social drinkers. By very, very light, I mean that the same bottles of gin, brandy, and wine have graced the counter of our household bar from my earliest moments as an infant to when I graduated high school. They were just sitting there, fermenting. My parents drank so rarely that it didn't seem to be an issue, and when they did, stopping was never a problem. Furthermore, no one in my family was an alcoholic, and none of my friends or friends' parents were alcoholics, that I was aware of. In other words, although I had heard of alcoholism and alcoholics, I had never met any or experienced the effects.
I am now a surgery resident, and I was required to attend an AA meeting as part of my psychiatry rotation during medical school. That particular meeting, and the whole educational program on addiction, was a huge eye-opener for me. I listened to many similar stories you spoke of, one of which I remember quite vividly. It came from a woman, relatively young, who was just starting to attend AA meetings. She had recently been out drinking, blacked out, and drove her car home. The next day, she had no recollection of making it home. Then the police showed up and questioned her about a hit-and-run of a pedestrian by a car matching her description. As of the meeting, she had no idea whether or not she would be charged, and didn't even seem to know whether she was responsible for the accident. I had never really seen someone at rock bottom before, but now I had. There she was, right in front of me. There were several stories that night, most of which I have forgotten, but that one sticks with me.
Thank you, Roger, for sharing your story, and helping people understand more about such a damaging, difficult, poorly understood disease. Without reading your essay and attending the AA meeting several years ago, I would not understand what alcoholism really is, what it does to you, and how to help people. Now I do.
Well hey, Marie! Mebbe it wasn't enough hash to give me a sore throat, just that tunnel-focus feeling. I had single-malt scotch for the first time only last spring. Ordinarily whiskies of any kind taste like tobacco juice to me, but by jove, this was good. Not sure I'd have had it if somebody didn't buy it for me, though.
I've tried moonshine. It is not good. One year hitchhiking through Georgia in the heart of "Easy Rider" country, these two Dogpatch types picked me up and asked me to drive, because they were both stiff from moonshine and could hardly turn the steering wheel. Effect noted.
The only hard liquor I've ever enjoyed was apple jack, which we made ourselves. We froze it down to about 100 proof, so it was like the scent of apple blossoms evaporating while whispering its way down my throat. I drank a fifth-bottle of it in my attempted annual drunk that year, hardly realized it, was ill for a day, never did that again. The company wasn't that worth a whole drunk anyhow. Lesson learned: never drink to make other people more interesting.
Yes. I have killed animals for food. We had guinea hens, chickens, geese, rabbits and goats and I ate many of them. Others at the rest. It would have been cruel not to kill them first. I grew up that way: we were like savages who knew and regarded the animals we ate. (Note also what a savage place was the Ohio I grew up in, mentioned above.) Now, honest to God (the one with the big scary teeth and His tongue sticking out), as Catt is a vegetarian and I'm easy, I don't eat commercially produced meat that often lately; but when I do, I can taste that I'm not eating the remains of a happy animal.
I don't plan to eat any of these horses here, or the cats, even though they are very happy.
Both cats, however, insist on lugging a wild rabbit that lives in the barn into the house. They'll plop it at my feet and it will lie there patiently, knowing the cat will jump on it again if it moves. I pick it up and take it back to the barn; the rabbit always has this look of "why do they keep doing that?"
Roger wrote: Indeed.
To which I respond - http://www.jackvettriano.com/
The jury is still out on his works, I gather. The National Gallery in London refuses to have a show of his paintings for seeing him as too populist and all that. Wildlife painter Robert Bateman from Canada, is likewise seen as a mere "illustrator".
I'm not a fan of the stuff that usually ends up framed in a poster shop, but I do find Vettriano's "noir" pieces interesting because there's often subtext at work. On his homepage for example, there's a woman smoking next to a movie projector...
"What's the movie about?" - that's what I wanted to know! :)
Meanwhile and as I wait for True Blood to finish downloading...
What are you feeding your people up in Winnipeg?" - Indian Idiot (H.W.)
Frozen horse meat. :)
"I don't know if you know this, but there was a lot of negativity in India to Boyle's Slumdog." - Indian Idiot (H.W.)
Yup – I heard about that. I surmised that it ruffled certain feathers. No one likes it when you can see their dirty laundry, eh? Or the stuff they don’t like to think about. That’s why I don’t mind if people can see stuff going on in Canada – I think it benefits a Nation when they’re forced to examine themselves.
Re: Bollywood movies – what I like is the music. It’s so cheerful! I’ll play it in the background when I’m doing stuff. Otherwise, I confess a little Bollywood goes a long way - I don’t actually watch much of it (not a big fan of musicals with endless dance numbers) and the male actors make me laugh because most of them are in their late 40’s with Steve McGarrett (Jack Lord) hair from Hawaii 5-O; chuckle!
“I liked the Namesake by Mira Nair too”
Yeah - me too! And also “A Passage to India” - stuff like that. The old India but also the new India; both are equally as interesting to me. As for the Apu trilogy: Panther Panchali, Aparajito, Apur Sansar. Panther Panchali was my favorite because of this – shot on a really limited budget...
Pather Panchali (1955) - The train scene:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGaIAWn2PJo
Metro Vancouver has such a large East-Indian population in fact, that in addition to Hindu and Buddhist temples and Sikh Gurdwara dotting the landscape, our local libraries often have their foreign films. In fact, where I live in particular, I’m quite spoiled for choice when it comes to movies. Japanese, Chinese, Korean, French, Italian, Swedish, German, Spanish, Mongolian even – you name it. And they’ve got tons of KINO titles and Criterion listings. And classic B/W and silent films, too.
@ Roger: in "Inglourious Basterds" the plan the German actress and British double agent were working on, was called Operation Kino. I know, I know, pointless trivia. :)
As for Namesake, actor Kal Penn stars in that - and he was in Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle; a movie about pot heads! He also appeared on “House” with Hugh Laurie and nowadays he works for the Barack Obama Administration as the Associate Director in the White House Office of Public Liaison. This is why Obama doesn’t suck. As don’t tell me HE didn’t laugh at the connections you can make.
Smile.
Ebert: Vettriano is sort of like Norman Rockwell. Widely loved except by museums. We got ours at his first London exhibition, at the Catto Gallery in Hampstead. Should have bought out the whole show.
During prohibition governement touted alcohol as one of the world's leading scourages, right next to opium. If only the governemnt could pull a "Brave New World" and invent soma, then we'd all be inexplicably content, but alas thered be no hangover
2 more things:
a "functioning alcoholic" is more of a contradiction than a baptist who can read
but there is also some validity to the phrase "everything in moderation...even moderation."
Tom, it was'nt by choice I took the LSD, I was tricked and like I said it was an unpleasant experience; not to be revisited. It's a horrible trip to send someone on. Leary was only human, all too human and had quite a few character flaws, all of us do. His biggest was as that of many religious people, he thought he had found a way/ways out of suffering, but on the whole from what little I've read, heard of/from him leads me to think that maybe he led a slightly more fulfilled and less jarring life than most. I am truly sorry to hear about your friends, that's mighty sad.
As far as keeping the ego clean goes, I like to think of myself as a little speck of dirt floating around in the mighty oceans of time and space, at times I happen upon a rock, at others upon a fish, life is mostly babel, I'm trying mostly to listen carefully and if I can make sense of some things, I consider myself fortunate beyond contemplation. You seconded and I thirded Kugan in one of my previous comments. You are indeed fortunate in your acquaintances.
I used to like Amitabh as a child and think that although he is very talented, not to mention very well educated about a lot of things, I kind of grew out of watching him, although I doubt you can stop liking someone just because you've grown out of them. Vast majority of hinduism relies heavily upon a finely honed oral tradition, if you're asking for a concession you have it, perhaps curious was an incorrect way of describing what I felt and maybe wondrousness would be better suited :)The only Ethiopian musician I know about is Mulatu Astatke and him I came upon through Jim Jarmusch and am glad I did.
You're right about alcohol and other things paling in comparison to that which comes from within. That is why the devout remain so, they're hooked onto something stronger than heroin. I can tell you from personal experience that I've had times in my life when I've experienced the confrontation of the soul (I'm sure I'm quoting someone very famous here don't know who) and it has reduced me to tears.
Bill - I knew you were going to throw the 'blue sky' back in my face, I don't mind. If you had mentioned multitudes instead of "the 18 year old man" perhaps I would spend just a bit more time thinking about what you said. As it stands, alright, let us assume that you've outlawed all religious practices, does that mean that you will be able to stop that one man/woman/child and others like them from praying in the privacy of their homes, or from believing that the end times are nigh? No, you won't, just like you could'nt stop that 16 year old making a decision he regretted as an 18 year old.
This appears to stem from what I call "having the facts of life kept from you syndrome", you feel cheated and you wish to keep others from being cheated too. I understand this, but you cannot tell people what to do, you have to show them and you seem to be like myself, at the early stages of that learning process, lets learn together from each other instead of against each other, must you be so adversarial? This is why "millitant atheism" is bound to fail just like the inquisition failed. Don't delude yourself wilfully, because the nature of things, being as it is, no one thing remains the same from one instant to the next, yet life manages to retain a general form. These things are cyclical and unless you try to moderate your feelings, you will keep raving and foaming at the mouth, which is hardly a good look for someone presenting himself as intelligent now, is it?
Marie, first of all, I liked BILB, it is a very sweet film. Supremely vain as I am, I was probably sub-consciously hoping that my (now not so) clever little portmanteau 'Brindish' catches on and I still don't think bangers tikka mash sounds quite right. The pattern I mentioned includes both Mira Nair and Gurinder Chadha (as good immigrant/descendants Indian female filmmakers) although I think Nair is a slightly better filmmaker than Chadha. Jonathan Rhys Meyers is super hot, he makes me wish I was half the woman he is. Joke. He does pout a lot does'nt he, especially in Match Point? I know his role requires him to and Match Point is a very good film but he does pout in it, a lot; sort of like Christian Bale in, well..y'know.. I can't speak for Tom but feel free to jump into any conversation I'm having, you can only make it better. Never watch the film Earthling if you still wish to keep on eating chicken and anything else that does'nt grow out of the ground.
"Was it wrong for Pitt & co. to carve them?" of course it was, any kind of torture/murder is always wrong, inexcusably so. An eye for an eye, is an outdated and irrelevant way of thinking in my humble opinion, does'nt stop people from doing it though, so awareness of it can't hurt eh?
"Is it wrong to enjoy doing that for seeing it as your duty ergo, as an act of patriotism? Does that make Pitt and Co. a bunch of flag waving self-righteous sociopaths on some level?" Of course it's wrong, inexcusably so. Your second question is more complicated; recently one of the women soldiers indicted in the torturing of Iraqi detainees, who was photographed doing so, did some interviews regarding what she did. Her reason? She has a young child, who once grown up she wishes to reconcile with her committing what she now obviously recognises as a heinous act. She did'nt seem at all sociopathic, she did seem to be a self-righteous flag-waver. She was court-martialled and has to live with the shame of what she did all her life. Should she have done time in one of the many wonderful American prison facilities? Perhaps. I say wonderful American prisons, because prison in America is better than life in a free land for many peoples of the world.
Scott, I think you have perhaps misread me. I did'nt say that we are all potential Nazis, I said the instincts exist in us, there's a big difference. You can have the instinct for music, but if you're deaf, it is unlikely you are going to be the next Beethoven (I specifically used that example). But now that you mention it, is'nt the whole point that we never can tell that there might be a Hitler, Ted Bundy, Nazi or fascist in us, regardless of upbringing and we ought to be watchful of that? What if the side of nature vs. nurture you choose to bet on, proves to be the wrong one? History is littered with such examples.
I mentioned army officers who justified what they were doing for "the good of the German state". I mentioned Germans as innocent bystanders. I mentioned that we, the world stood by and let the innocent be executed over a period of months and years, thereby implicating us as innocent bystanders too. You will concede that states such as Austria, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Italy, Poland etc. that were co-conspirators of Hitler are part of the world. You will also I assume concede that knowledge of the concentration camps was widespread and Britain under a weak prime minister was unwilling to go to war and only did so under the premiership of Churchill.
It is strange that you level both the charges of historicism and economic determinism at me, perhaps you're taking something I said in reference to something else out of context. Nevertheless here's my response, upto a point historicism is a valid theory; I did not mention economic turmoil and as for its being specious, there are some quite narrow minded people who contend that climate change/global warming is specious, would you like to be the one who bets the future of humanity against it? Economic determinism is more valid than historicism I think, you only have to look at the many incidences of genocide that have taken place in Africa over the last half a century.
I don't see how I "ignore the actual history but compensate by inventing a stand-in history". If you think that my taking responsibility for the past, present and future mistakes of other human beings, as a human being myself is an abstraction, I'm not sure how to respond to you, other than to say Scott, I think you have perhaps misread me.
Indian Idiot (H.W.)
Roger,
Having just celebrated my 20th year in the fellowship of A. A. I am happy for you on celebrating your 30th anniversary. I understand the "complaints" about you going public and violating the 11th Tradition but I think it is much ado about nothing. Of course, what you did is debatable to the point it becomes a chicken and egg thing. We are a program of attraction, not promotion but how can a drunk be attracted without some form of promotion? I think your "coming out" will serve more good than harm.
On a personal note, I really miss your TV show and in my area I would religiously wait for it after the Sunday night 11 pm news broadcast when it would air. I have followed your review days from way back to the old PBS broadcasts when you were paired with the late, great Gene Siskel. That was great TV! I continue to read your movie reviews when they are published in my local paper and I do trust your reviews more than anyone else's. I look forward to many more years of reviews and commentary from your learned mind.
All the best in the coming years.
Sincerely,
Mark A.
Congratulations on thirty years, Roger, and keep coming back. I to wish you'd kept your anonymity, however. Carrying the message works best, I think, in one-on-one situations, before and after meetings, within the fellowship that might , hopefully, spring up around the new comer. The media, however effective in communicating news and information, is not the fellowship, and what you've said is a bit distorted by your celebrity status. There are many, I believe, who dislike your film reviews, revile them even, and this severe dislike reinforces their reticence to attend their first AA meeting.
re Quentin Tarantino,
Recently sitting at the table of Charlie Rose QT was asked about the criticism often lodged against him that he was all style and no substance, that he sensationalized violence etc, or something to that affect. To answer he provided the anechdote of something that occured when writing Reservoir Dogs. Whilst writing, apparently, he took it upon himself to write out the subtext for the characters - mainly as an exercise to prove to himself that there was subtext, that these characters didnt just exist so they could entertain by inflicting violence. After writing out pages of character background he thus proved to himself that the subtext was indeed there in his writing and that he never needed to question himself again.
What I found odd about this answer is that it seems to further indict him on the charges of critics, more than any critic could in fact. Problem 1 - of course there is subtext. Anyone with a half-decent imagination can find subtext. Problem 2 - essentially, he spelt it out - that when given the choice to focus on subtext (substance) over style (what happens as a result) QT focuses on the latter, without reservation. Isnt that the whole force of the criticism against him?
Of the movies that have and could be made about the holocaust and 20th century central and eastern Europe, QT makes one about style. One that is sure to please. His supposed subtext seeks to juxtapose notions of morality by framing them within classic Western, and extremely limited and misleading, binary. Bull.
His first and foremost goal, one he always accomplishes, is to entertain by drawing the audience into sharing with him the humour of explicitly depicted violence. Period. His panache at creating dialogue `intellectualizes`, more or less, the gore sure to follow. Kill Bill 1 and 2 phoned in the QT style - witty dialogue, NOT written to provide depth of character, NOT written to provide a glimpse into subtext, but written to provide, well, witty dialogue - to provide characters with `style`. Every scene follows the same formula. Hell, even when the bride is buried alive, QT (wisely choosing not to have her talk to herself) resorts to have a flashback provide the (I guess) necessary dialogue that must precede the action.
QT is *all* style. I admit, I have enjoyed his movies. I do not think about them at all. I do not think about character motivation but it really isnt necessary. He is the quintessential B movie maker. You pop in for a flick, get some popcorn, and be entertained with skilled mindlessness for a couple of hours. Afterwards, if there is any discussion about the movie, it revolves around favourite scenes, perhaps recognizing influences within the subgenre, not character development or insight. QT is very good at what he does. He is very limited, but he makes good use of it, if you like that sort of thing.
Some insight into the Jews depicted in IB.. all of Tarantino`s films follow the same formula - antiheros that charm via dialogue and entertain via stylishly choreographed violence. `antihero` provides `realism`; dialogue provides `wit`; violence provides well, violence. Put together and you get an audience that seeks to be entertained by violence for its own sake, without being made to feel as though that is the case.
It's amazing and sad how heavily people will cling to dogma, even when in not clinging to it yourself you've clearly encouraged more than a few readers, myself included, to take a hard look at their life and their relationship to alcohol.
I've known for a while that I have a drinking problem, but I had simply forgotten about AA. My days as a militant atheist led me to write it off as just another vehicle Jesus freaks could use to get God points.
In breaking this holy 11th tradition you've made me, at least, realize that the objective of getting sober should not be rejected for ideological reasons. It is especially ironic then how these dogmatists are putting a rigid ideology of AA ahead of the organization's stated goal of helping fellow alcoholics get sober.
I'll put forth an analogy. AA is like a life preserver. Some people are just grateful that they had something to cling to it when they were in danger of drowning. Others want to take the thing home and frame it and exalt it like some sacred object. And still others realize that it's the people that threw it, not the object, that actually saved them - the object was a tool wielded by those who wanted to help. You stopped the boat and threw out the life preserver, whereas these people would have kept moving right along and forced the drowning people to demonstrate their ability to swim and catch up before they'd consider them worthy of a life preserver.
On the flip side, there is a valid argument to be made that forcing an alcoholic to actively seek out AA gives them vital proof that they are capable of acting in a way that improves their life, rather than damaging it. They CAN take responsibility for their own sobriety. That seems to be what happened to Bill W. and Dr. Bob. In seeking each other out, they found that they had the strength and the will to defeat their addiction to alcohol. There's your 12th tradition in a nutshell. But no matter who reminded me of AA via what vehicle, I still have to get my ass off the couch and go to a meeting. You're just playing the same role to millions that Dr. Schlicter played in your process of sobriety.
As with religious thought, you can take the traditions literally and use them to beat everyone else over the head, or you can take them in the spirit that they are offered, and focus on a greater good. Why people can't do this, I'll never understand.
My retraction:
{I also do not believe there is not a God. My point is that belief in God is not required by AA.}
True that a belief in God is not required, but it sure helps... "We Agnostics" in the BB might help :)
Cheers, Mr. Ebert.
As my pop would say, sober since about the same time, "keep coming back!"
To see my old man go from alcoholic to counselor to deacon has been a wonderful thing.
I wonder if A.A. co-founder Bill Wilson avoided magazine covers, turned down honorary degrees, and took himself out of consideration for international prizes out of prudence, shame or for some other reason?
Thank you so much for sharing. Man, I loved it - great writing. I also loved that you threw in the clips.
My dad loved the movie "Clean & Sober" especially the way that Michael Keaton smoked with such passion, and the relationship he had with his sponsor M. Emmet Walsh.
The harsh truth: Unfortunately my dad died of alcoholism, nine years ago. He isolated, had a special deal, never found AA and died alone. It took me a year and six weeks after he died, to realize that I was the same way.
I have eight years clean & sober today. We must keep this AA thing alive for our children, and our grandchildren.
The good new is: If you don't drink, and go to meetings, you never have to be alone again.
Keep coming back.
First, let me thank you, Mr. Ebert, for your thoughtful and generous blog. It gave many of us with drinking problems -- of whatever degree -- something to think about.
The comments have been equally educational.
I have decided after reading the comments not to seek out Alcoholics Anonymous. First, I don't think of my level of drinking as being sufficient to constitute "a disease." Weeks can go by where I don't have a drink (the plural weeks don't often, but certainly it is no more than a weekly occurrence at its most frequent), but when I do, I tend to be unable to put on the brakes.
The second and primary reason I will not darken an AA door is because of the response on this board from members regarding your violation of the 10th tradition. That such vitriol could spew forth against what is in essence a post meant to encourage positive change in people's lives makes me sick. These are the same sorts of people who profess to be Christian, while perverting the generous spirit with which that should be associated for a hard-hearted fundamentalism that is hateful and harmful to the human spirit. (and don't get me started on the idiots criticizing you for taking pain relievers etc.)
But I don't want to veer too far off. The "tradition" upholders here it seems are doing their best to uphold AA's traditions in letter if not in spirit. Many of the reformed alcoholics I have met are wonderful people, but there have also been many who are anything but. They are tight-arsed control freaks -- probably having to do with needing to keep a tight rein on absolutely everything lest their lives fall to shambles again, which is understandable, but I'm not having them over for dinner.
The extreme AA solution of abstinence for life and every drink being a danger has led me to believe that the latter group would be well represented in meetings. They certainly are well represented on this message board.
What the blog and comments did do was encourage me to look elsewhere for other suggestions on what people are doing to help regain control they might have lost through drinking. One site I found very helpful in this regard was moderation.org. I'm going to go through their recommended protocol and if at the end of that, I find that moderation is not an option, I will put my hat in hand and come with an apology to the nearest AA meeting... (I won't actually as nobody will know I've written this. Score one for anonymity).
Thanks again Mr. Ebert. You're a humanist in the finest sense of that word. (PS Don't forget to write that blog on the characters from your favorite pub of yesteryear.)
Ebert: Don't get the wrong idea. The traditions have a purpose, and some of those comments have been quite kind. It takes all types.
Hays! Front and center, right now!
Did you write this:
Tom, you missed the point of the story. I had no way to anticipate throwing up. I've gone over it a few times, and it was turning my head too quickly that triggered things. I was sitting on a sofa, having a normal conversation. I might have had ONE glass of a vodka mixed drink and a beer, over several hours on an empty stomach. But, once you start drinking, that's what happen.
This story of yours is fizzling with excuses. You're talking to someone who has seen what happens to a busload of people whose coffee has been accidentally laced with a whole box of Ex-Lax. Every single one of them made it to the bathroom, even the driver -- and sphincters are less voluntary than pharynxes.
What you describe is exactly what happened to Bobo Bilinski, "America's Number One Zero."
Let us inspect this "normal conversation" you had. You were telling that young woman "Since I meet you I don' make no googoo eyes at no udder gal," weren't you? You were. Then, after all this smooth talk, you lurched sideways for a kiss and went "HUUAAALP!" From here, your story diverges.
Bobo said "Ulp. s'cuse me."
But you? You said, and I quote, "I mighta had ONE glassa vodka mix drink an' a beer, over sev'l hours on a empty stummick. But, once ya start drinkin', tha's wha happen." Transcript adjusted for grammatical accuracy.
Rather than apologize, you excused yourself, didn't you? Was your father always excusing himself too? Bill? I withdraw the question.
Now, maybe once YOU start drinkin' that's wha happen. But I am sure Mr. Ebert will truthfully testify that this never happened to him even in his darkest moments. I am certain any esteemed contributor to this thread, including myself, would depose and declare the same. People over 6 months of age know when they're about to disgorge; they do not simply turn their heads and barf on someone. Nor do they blame it on a mere movement of neck muscles.
Mr. Ebert? Ladies and gentlemen of this thread? I submit to you that Mr. William Hays is insensate. That he will vomit without notice. I recommend that we all abandon any further notions of his "atheism" and go worship something.
I think Time (rightly) said Jon Stewart was the most trusted man in America. I suspect you're (rightly) near the top of that list.
Critics can say what they will about A.A. I know it works because it's working for me. If one is willing to have faith and trust in something other one's self to stay sober, and if one is willing to change behavioral patterns, then A.A. will work just fine. Congrats, Roger, for a very good essay.
Always, it is the well-meaning drunk who violates tradition and dares to speak in public on behalf of all of us. That tradition was borne of the experience of trial and error, and deemed to be so important that it was put into written form as a guide for future behaviors. To intentionally violate that written tradition is to say that "I know better than all of you". I say, beware your ego. As you are my favorite film critic, I have ever regarded you as a thoughtful man. However, before breaking anonymity a thoughtful man would have discussed this act with his sponsor or close AA friends with some time in the fellowship, and I don't suppose you did so. Thank God for the 10th step. Good luck with that.
P.S. You getting sober in '79 would help explain "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" made in '70.
Mr Ebert.
I am one of those people who thinks that AA is a religious cult.
I understand that you feel the need to defend your little club, but that does not excuse the fact that AA has destroyed many lives.
AA is a rigid mind trap. Cult members suppress information about alternative ways to get sober, and use shame to hold on to members, whether the program is working for them or not. I've seen this first hand. AA is a dangerous religious cult that has hijacked an entire branch of medicine.
The fact is... You guys are busted! No more unsolicited religious indoctrination for unsuspecting drunks. We'll be here to warn them from now on. Thank God for the internet. The cat is out of the bag, and not a minute too soon. AA has hurt many more people than it ever helped.
Here is a little clip of the time Ebert appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn4RpnooFvQ
Ebert: Doth thou protest too much?
Have you been to many meetings? If not, whereof do you speak?
AA is not, not, not, a religious program. No religion or belief in God is required. None. None. None.
Hi:
If you've intended this lovely piece as service, you've brought the message back to this alcoholic. After being sober for some time I went "back out" and, while nothing dire occurred, things were heading in the predictable direction and unlikely to repair on their own. My husband showed me your (serendipitous) article--so thanks. For real. Best, best wishes to you.
There is no perfect program out there.You can get hung up in A.A. doctrine easy enough but the reason people go is because it helps them and for some it has made all the difference.
Thank you, Roger, for this article and Happy 30th to you. I recently celebrated 5 years and am always fascinated to discover in what good company I am.
As I read through the comments, I found I had to get out the 12 and 12 and re-read the section on the Eleventh Tradition. You may have directly violated the 11th Tradition but I don't believe your reason for doing so was personal publicity which is what the founders were concerned about. I view this article more as an open meeting on-line, which would be more in the nature of 12th step work. But then, we alcoholics have always been know for being great rationalizers, right?
I have thought about telling my story in a book and wondered about this very issue. Even were I to use my full name, I'm a nobody. Who would care that I disclosed my membership in AA, except possibly a handful of people with whom I attend meetings? I certainly would not disclose their names. I have questioned my own motives for wanting to write such a story and it comes down to the same reason someone might volunteer to speak at a meeting: I simply want to share my experience in the hope that someone reading it will realize that if I made it back, he or she can too.
I pray that someone reading your story today realizes that if you made it back, he or she can too.
Roger,
For years, I have followed your movie reviews, and I have always considered you to be the finest film critic alive. More than that, I consider you one of the best living writers, of any genre. (It has often pained me that when I mention your name and the influence you've had on me as a writer, many think or even say, "Is that the fat one?") With this blog, you have an outlet you've never quite had before, and I now suspect that long after you pass, you will be known not just as "the fat one" from At the Movies, but as one of the best writers of the 20th and 21st centuries. With your reviews, I find that even if the movie doesn't interest me, your review does. The same is now true of the subjects of your blog entries. Thank you for finding this outlet, and for making such judicious use of it.
Reply to: First, I don't think of my level of drinking as being sufficient to constitute "a disease." Weeks can go by where I don't have a drink (no more than a weekly occurrence at its most frequent), but when I do, I tend to be unable to put on the brakes.
Uh... no.
There's no flashing light that suddenly goes off when "drinking is sufficient to constitute a disease."
Addiction starts at the moment when the first drink makes you HAPPY. From that point on, the only question is how much pain and suffering you will eventually have to go through to cure the addiction. Wait too long, and you may need a liver transplant and not qualify.
Here's the test. Stop drinking. Over the next few weeks, keep a diary. Write down every time your brain tries to lure you into taking another drink.
As long as you're drinking, there's no way to tell how bad the addiction has become.
(2) Trivia about Charles Darwin, (1809-1882),
In 1879, Darwin received a letter asking if he believed in God, and if theism and evolution were compatible. He replied that a man "can be an ardent Theist and an evolutionist", and for himself, he had "never been an Atheist in the sense of denying the existence of a God". He added that "I think that generally (and more and more as I grow older), but not always, that an Agnostic would be a more correct description of my state of mind."
(3) Trivia about Thomas Henry Huxley (1825–1895)
Huxley rose to prominence in Victorian Britain as a man of science and a brilliant and combative essayist. His polemical defenses of the theory of evolution against its theological detractors, especially in a legendary debate with Samuel Wilberforce (1805–1873), the bishop of Oxford, in 1860, earned him the nickname "Darwin's Bulldog."
His 1889 essay "Agnosticism" is Huxley's own account of how and why he had come to coin the term agnostic some twenty years earlier.
HUXLEY: When I reached intellectual maturity and began to ask myself whether I was an atheist, a theist, or a pantheist; a materialist or an idealist; Christian or a freethinker; I found that the more I learned and reflected, the less ready was the answer; until, at last, I came to the conclusion that I had neither art nor part with any of these denominations, except the last. The one thing in which most of these good people were agreed was the one thing in which I differed from them. They were quite sure they had attained a certain "gnosis,"—had, more or less successfully, solved the problem of existence; while I was quite sure I had not, and had a pretty strong conviction that the problem was insoluble.
HUXLEY (cont) I had the good fortune to find a place among the members of the Metaphysical Society. Every variety of philosophical and theological opinion was represented there, and expressed itself with entire openness; most of my colleagues were -ists of one sort or another; and, however kind and friendly they might be, I, the man without a rag of a label to cover himself with, could not fail to have some of the uneasy feelings
HUXLEY (cont): So I took thought, and invented what I conceived to be the appropriate title of "agnostic." It came into my head as suggestively antithetic to the "gnostic" of Church history, who professed to know so much about the very things of which I was ignorant;
(4) Reply to: Ebert: Have you been to many meetings? If not, whereof do you speak? AA is not, not, not, a religious program. No religion or belief in God is required. None. None. None.
Amazon: Alcoholics Anonymous - Big Book 4th Edition (Paperback) (Use their search engine.)
BB p.28, There Is A Solution
If what we have learned and felt and seen means anything at all, it means that all of us, whatever our race, creed, or color are the children of a living Creator with whom we may form a relationship upon simple and understandable terms as soon as we are willing and honest enough to try.
Publisher: This book, originally titled "Alcoholics" by Anonymous, is the life saving text of Alcoholics Anonymous. "The Big Book" (one edition of this has 575 pages.) was first published in 1939 and primarially written by an out-of-work salesman who had a "Spiritual Awakening.".. The long-awaited fourth edition features 24 new personal stories of recovery.(end)
Do you know the story of Tom Cruise and Scientology? How he left the movement for a few years when he reached the Inner Circle where they revealed how Xenu had brought the Thetans to Earth....
The defintion of RECRUITMENT... means your mission is an overwhelming success of ONE out of TWENTY joins. That's all they need. That's their target. Not every person. Not one out of every ten. All they want is 5%. That's how it works. 19 out of 20 potential victims never understand what's really going on.
Bernie Madoff didn't steal from every one of his clients. Many of the early investors got a fair return on their money. Several charities pulled their funds out while Bernie still had cash on hand.
But the guy who lost 80 million dollars... will tell you that Bernie is a thief. That's what he is. Go back ten years ago, and no one would believe that about Bernie Madoff, who had hundreds of happy clients, including some of the richest charities in America. But... he was always a thief.
AA is a great place to learn that alcoholism is sneaky and dangerous. Kids don't know how it works. Many of the people on this blog don't know how it works.
Thank you very much for your thoughtful post and sharing your experience with others. It has helped me.
They say that people with addictions often find solace in doing something else that feeds into the same desires. (For me, running became a way to get healthy and stay sober.)
I once saw you in Los Angeles at a 50s-esque diner off Sunset in March(ish) 2002. It was well past 1 a.m. There were few people in the restaurant, except for you, me, my college friend, and some LA scenester kids. You must have ordered 5 plates of breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert, because you were sitting alone near the front yet your table was filled with food as if you had many people with you. Now I look back and wonder what was going through your head and if this was helping you replace drinking?
I think your choice to reveal was appropriate given your condition, so I honor your openness in telling your story. Congratulations on your courage in battling this disease as well as cancer. Sometimes it may seem easier to give up, but I thank you for staying strong and giving hope to the rest of us!
Ebert: That didn't sound like me, so I went to my archived calendars, and sure enough, it wasn't me.
Good for you. It does take all types, and frankly, if espousing the 10th tradition and casting aspersions on you helps them not take that drink today, then I, for one, welcome their comments.
And if your breaking the 10th tradition helps someone, somewhere find AA or another program that works, then hooray for that person and hooray for us all!
To Scott: I don't think QT is the greatest director in the world and although you make some quite pertinent points, I think that he is considerably better than your gross over simplification and somewhat caricaturing of him. Sorry I can't be bothered going into it though, I don't feel so good..
Indian Idiot (H.W.)
It all starts with stopping!
I to had to go to the rooms of AA and CA.....lost I was and on the verge of dying...What helped me was that no matter what my thoughts of who I was ,and why I was there, and what for really didn't matter. It said in the big book..( KEEP COMING BACK )...That phrase saved my life. From there I got to hear more as I went more...I grew as a person as the months went by and relapsing over and over... fear has a way of holding you back....I do not fear any more.. I learned to love myself and in turn learned to love others. I have come a long way and with out AA and CA I would be dead...No program is perfect...remember who shows up at the doors of AA and CA.. Be proud....I know I am...
Way to Go on your 30th Roger!!! How'd Ya do it? :-D, I wanted to say thank you, it must have been a difficult decision to break your anonymity. The rections I have seen in my meetings much reflect those of above, far more incouraging than the negative. As anyone who reads the entire article and can refrain from disecting the thing to the point of non-sensical rationalization will understand, your motives are pure, and if you were seeking any type of recognition for your sobriety you would have done so many years prior. But thats one of the things we'er so good at is "rationalizing" now isn't it. My sobriety date is 06-01-08 and I have had every intetion of reading your article since hearing of it a few days ago, but it was my Mother who gave it to me yesterday, and that is the reason I am commenting. Mom has seen and stated positivley on the changes she has seen in the past year, but has always been a little put off to the idea that I hit so many meetings. That they interfer with her plans on special occasions; Christamas, Birthdays, and for Heavens sake not Mothers Day( never had the heart to tell her sometimes the days I'm with her are days I "REALLY" need a meeting.) When she handed me the paper it was with a hug and a kiss, and a look in her eyes of understanding. As if she was no longer in denile that her Son had a problem. For that my friend I shal be eternily in your gratitude. As for the sceptics within A.A., I sympathize with your views on breaking of Traditions 11 & 12, but must we fear change so much that we neglect to see the possibilities. Yes these Traditions were put in place to protect A.A. from ourselves, but when put in place A.A was in infantcy and scarcely 30 years could be found between 3 or 4 people put together. If before reading this article even just one person was on the fence and makes an effort to seek out a meeting, a good has been done. "The Greater Good"? That remains to be seen. My heart tells me more than just one, and reading through the comments above reflects the same. So Mr. Ebert, I will say "Thank You" again, and My very best to You and Your's...
Maybe I'll see Ya around!
Your Brother, Scott
Indian Idiot (HW),
I think what I am guilty of is using a passing statement you made and building a soap box on top; no doubt my response has taken you by surprise. However, I appreciate your response and, for sake of discussion, allow me to respond to a few of what I see as major themes.
1. As far as I know, historicism is not a theory per se, it is the process of reading agenda into historical narrative. Now, this is a slippery slope because, without getting into it too deeply, all history is written from a point of view. That is why history requires constant discussion and only after usually significant time has passed does revision come about.
Anyway, on the major themes. II, you refer to instinct and I am not sure how this is different from `potential`. Either way, you do make clear that everyone is potentially a murderous psychopath and every society is potentially genocidal. However, you do not provide any evidence nor theoretical basis for this assumption outside of the fact that, since these things are committed by humans, then by mere association all humans are guilty, or have the instinct, or potential. (actually, I believe `instinct` is not a good word, for this suggests ontological knowledge that you have not accounted for - by instinct, you are referring to man in his natural state. this is problematic for your argument).
Nevertheless, my main question concerns the broad generalizations that you have applied and why they are applied (this historicism was not invented by you, so please do not feel I am commenting on you personally). As I stated in my original response, when we ignore the historical reasons for an event then we are open to creating all sorts of stories and narratives. This is quite common among states and societies. The vigilance you (or, this historicism) prescribe is an example. The origins of the holocaust seem mysterious, and they seem to centre around the evil machinations of certain historical figures that have been so reified as to become symbols. But they were historical figures. And the society they led into mass murder is historical. The history, going back generations, of at times intense antisemetism is not at all mysterious. It is simple fact. So it is not a mysterious process of Germany somehow being duped into genocide by madmen; it happened for historical reasons. These madmen were themselves products of their society, they spoke the language because they understood their society.
Re some specific historical statements you made: First, I am not sure to what extent the concentration camps were public knowledge in the West. Departmental knowledge, yes, to some degree. But as far as I know, the death camps were not operating until late in the war, after the Germans realized they would not win. I could be wrong on this. However, the mere existence of concentration camps would not necessarily wave a red flag. The West - as in Canada and the US - used them to deter their Japanese citizens, and rob them of their property. Thousands of Canadian and American of Japanese heritage died in these North American camps. The rest lost everything they had. Many thousands of lives were destroyed. Yet hardly a sound is made regarding that. Was the scale is too small? Does this provide support for your argument? Perhaps. But we are talking about genocide - the systematically coordinated attempt by a national government and its people to destroy an entire non-aggressive population for its own sake, for mere reasons of bigotry. So I think there is some difference.
Finally, re Germans as `innocent bystanders`. Nope. For example, part of the offical government policy for handling the rounding up of the Jews was that in no uncertain terms the Jews were not to be informed of where they were being taken. This was to make it easier for controlling those being boarded onto the trains; if they did know they would likely resist. However, it has been brought to light that the Jews did know: apparently there was a large upsurge in suicides among the Berlin Jews for example around the time they were being rounded up for the camps. Obviously they felt it would be better to die by their own hand than by what awaited them. Now, rational people do not commit suicide without significant evidence for the need. This was not random rumour that spurred them on, it was convincing evidence. Now, if they knew about what was happening to the Jews, what about the populace for whom no official decree of silence was given? Of course all Germans knew. There is more, but this is enough for now. Again, I appreciate your response, and invite all discussion.
Whew. I managed to come out of the Bill Hays debate unscathed. But here goes one more drive-by observation (it is going to be in capital letters in the middle because those are the parts that will be heard the clearest in the drive-by shouting):
Bill Hays,
The definition oF AGNOSTIC IS THE SAME AS CHRISTIanity's!
Hi Roger,
What a wonderful share! I myself have 22 years and I am also a base of tongue cancer survivor of 7 1/2 years. We also have a mutual friend here in Los Angeles, Marlene...
You are very courageous and I would love to speak to you....
Kathy Meherin
Ebert: We were on the phone just the other day with her. I hope she's safe from the fires!
Like most who read your writing, I am a fan. Enough said. Like so many comments, this is a "yes, but..."
I simply could not read through all the comments. I don't have the time, or even the strength. I drink. One to three a day. I have for many years, and may for many more years (I'm 52). My partner has been in AA for 7 years. I have always respected the fact that she passes no judgement on my habits, and I try to pass no judgements on hers.
I believe that this is the intent of AA, but not always the reality. I've never felt that, should I quit drinking, I would join the group. I think I might try, but I'm not sure. Part of the reluctance is my perception of AA's less likable side. The one that perhaps elicits the accusation of "cult".
Though I liked your piece a lot, I saw some of that side in the "Sober" paragraph. You really lost me there. If one can accept "God as we understand him", then by God, why can't one define "sober" in one's own way? To unequivocally say that "People who are dry but not sober are on a "dry drunk", is exactly the kind of exclusivist dribble turns me off.
That's fine. If I have problems with it, don't come. Ok. But there's a hard edge to that, that perhaps those who have been in the group for a while do not feel.
Peace.
Ebert: Define it your way, if it helps you stop drinking.
Sorry, non-Indian Idiot H.W. I neglected to comment on your involuntary LSD trip. It's difficult to imagine having been fed LSD involuntarily without one's knowledge. This was done to one of my clients when he was 12, a government experiment, agreed to by his senator father. At age 60 he is still on a disability pension for its effects.
This man, now a notable scholar and scientist, explained to me that this Lysergic acid diethylamide operates by literally burning certain nerve centers around the pineal gland. This disconnects the brain from the physical senses, thus all the hallucinations. Enough can kill you, a certain amount leaves your "circuits fried" irreparably. He had been taking calm-you-down pills for decades, as his circuits had been fried at age 12.
In my single experiment with LSD I found myself leaving a pink streak all the way home on the Long Beach Freeway from a bar gig at 3 a.m. I never, ever drank on the job in music gigs.
Straight, drunk, stoned or sober, I was driving home in Thule fog, visibility about 3 yards. The LSD kicked in after I was on the highway, inching along among the early truck traffic. The hallucinatory effect was fun, but the prospect of getting killed by a truck in front of or behind me was real enough.
Either I hadn't taken a serious dose, or my years-ago bout with the Bhaghavad Gita suggestion had left me with enough presence of mind to handle it. (That bout continued in full for about 2 years; nothing ever seemed dangerous, though certainly always non-ordinary. Read Gopi Krishna's KUNDALINI one day -- another young man fooling around with ancient concepts who got more than he bargained for.)
So I left my pink streak trailing behind me a few miles long, and a voice that said she was my Egyptian grandmother talking me along so as not to panic; the Thule fog made it too dangerous even to pull over -- big trucks behind, alongside and in front of me. Finally, home again, sat down, wrote up the effects as I experienced them. That was the first and last time I ever deliberately let a man-made chemical into my body.
Now this AA question of "a higher power." Our major religions have become crumbling travesties and paranoid cults, and in the West, the idea of "the soul" is something like a big unwanted bag we must drag invisibly behind us. It becomes filthy with guilt in an instant, and so, more of a strain to drag. But we must behave virtuously at all times.
The effect of this is found in the posting above of a man who at age 39 considers himself pristinely virtuous, but all this meticulous attention to the rules of virtue "will not get him a medal" and he sucks wormwood about a world of people around him who do not follow the same thankless path he obliges on himself. He is "irritated." Considering the numbers of those not following the rules, this irritation must be chronic.
But it has nothing to do with this "higher power." One knows it when he feels it, and no amount of intellectual blowharding -- I'm glad we have a blowhard here to demonstrate that -- will negate its true effects. "What it is" has formed the religious gatherings we know of in the first place. What it isn't, turns them to crumbling travesties and paranoid cults. "It" will never be truly captured in words, and that's why there have been so many of them written.
Ebert: Ah, but no matter what some say, AA isn't a religion.