In August 1979, I took my last drink. It was about four o'clock on a Saturday afternoon, the hot sun streaming through the windows of my little carriage house on Dickens. I put a glass of scotch and soda down on the living room table, went to bed, and pulled the blankets over my head. I couldn't take it any more.
On Monday I went to visit wise old Dr. Jakob Schlichter. I had been seeing him for a year, telling him I thought I might be drinking too much. He agreed, and advised me to go to "A.A.A," which is what he called it. Sounded like a place where they taught you to drink and drive. I said I didn't need to go to any meetings. I would stop drinking on my own. He told me to go ahead and try, and check back with him every month.
The problem with using will power, for me, was that it lasted only until my will persuaded me I could take another drink. At about this time I was reading The Art of Eating, by M. F. K. Fisher, who wrote: "One martini is just right. Two martinis are too many. Three martinis are never enough." The problem with making resolutions is that you're sober when you make the first one, have had a drink when you make the second one, and so on. I've also heard, You take the first drink. The second drink takes itself.That was my problem. I found it difficult, once I started, to stop after one or two. If I could, I would continue until I decided I was finished, which was usually some hours later. The next day I paid the price in hangovers.
I've known two heavy drinkers who claimed they never had hangovers. I didn't believe them. Without hangovers, it is possible that I would still be drinking. Unemployed, unmarried, but still drinking--or, more likely, dead. Most alcoholics continue to drink as long as they can. For many, that means death. Unlike drugs in most cases, alcohol allows you to continue your addiction for what's left of your life, barring an accident. The lucky ones find their bottom, and surrender.
Bill W., co-founder of A.A.
An A.A. meeting usually begins with a recovering alcoholic telling his "drunkalog," the story of his drinking days and how he eventually hit bottom. This blog entry will not be my drunkalog. What's said in the room, stays in the room. You may be wondering, in fact, why I'm violating the A.A. policy of anonymity and outing myself. A.A. is anonymous not because of shame but because of prudence; people who go public with their newly-found sobriety have an alarming tendency to relapse. Case studies: those pathetic celebrities who check into rehab and hold a press conference.In my case, I haven't taken a drink for 30 years, and this is God's truth: Since the first A.A. meeting I attended, I have never wanted to. Since surgery in July of 2006 I have literally not been able to drink at all. Unless I go insane and start pouring booze into my g-tube, I believe I'm reasonably safe. So consider this blog entry what A.A. calls a "12th step," which means sharing the program with others. There's a chance somebody will read this and take the steps toward sobriety.
Yes, I believe A.A. works. It is free and everywhere and has no hierarchy, and no one in charge. It consists of the people gathered in that room at that time, many perhaps unknown to one another. The rooms are arranged by volunteers. I have attended meetings in church basements, school rooms, a court room, a hospital, a jail, banks, beaches, living rooms, the back rooms of restaurants, and on board the Queen Elizabeth II. There's usually coffee. Sometimes someone brings cookies. We sit around, we hear the speaker, and then those who want to comment do. Nobody has to speak. Rules are, you don't interrupt anyone, and you don't look for arguments. As we say, "don't take someone else's inventory."
I know from the comments on an earlier blog that there are some who have problems with Alcoholics Anonymous. They don't like the spiritual side, or they think it's a "cult," or they'll do fine on their own, thank you very much. The last thing I want to do is start an argument about A.A.. Don't go if you don't want to. It's there if you need it. In most cities, there's a meeting starting in an hour fairly close to you. It works for me. That's all I know. I don't want to argue with you about it.What a good doctor, and a good man, Jakob Schlichter was. He was in one of those classic office buildings in the Loop, filled with dentists and jewelers. He was a gifted general practitioner. An appointment lasted an hour. The first half hour was devoted to conversation. He had a thick Physician's Drug Reference on his desk, and liked to pat it. "There are 12 drugs in there," he said, "that we know work for sure. The best one is aspirin."
One day, after a month of sobriety, I went to see him because I feared I had grown too elated, even giddy, with the realization that I need not drink again. "Maybe I'm manic-depressive," I told him. "Maybe I need lithium."
"Alcohol is a depressant," he told me. "When you hold the balloon under the water and suddenly release it, it is eager to pop up quickly." I nodded. "Yes," I said, "but I'm too excited. I wake up too early. I'm in constant motion. I'd give anything just to feel a little bored."
"Lois, will you be so kind as to come in here?" he called to his wife. She appeared, an elegant Jewish mother. "Lois, I want you to open a little can of grapefruit segments for Roger. I know you have a bowl and a spoon." His wife came back with the grapefruit. I ate the segments. He watched me closely. "You still have your appetite," he said. "When you feel restless, take a good walk in the park. Call me if it doesn't work." It worked. I knew walking was a treatment for depression, but I didn't know it also worked for the ups.
Anyway, after I pulled the covers over my head, I stayed in bed until the next day, for some reason sleeping 13 hours. On the Sunday I poured out the rest of the drink which, when I poured it, I had no idea would be my last. I sat around the house not making any vows to myself but somehow just waiting. On the Monday, I went to see Dr. Schlichter. He nodded as if he had been expecting this, and said "I want you to talk to a man at Grant Hospital. They have an excellent program." He picked up his phone and an hour later I was in the man's office.
He asked me some questions (the usual list), said the important thing was that I thought I had a problem, and asked me if I had packed and was ready to move into their rehab program. "Hold on a second," I said. "I didn't come here to check into anything. I just came to talk to you." He said they were strictly in-patient. "I have a job," I said. "I can't leave it." He doubted that, but asked me to meet with one of their counselors.
This woman, I will call her Susan, had an office on Lincoln Avenue in a medical building across the street from Somebody Else's Troubles, which was well known to me. She said few people stayed sober for long without A.A.. I said the meetings didn't fit with my schedule and I didn't know where any were. She looked in a booklet. "Here's one at 401 N. Wabash," she said. "Do you know where that is?" I confessed it was the Chicago Sun-Times building. "They have a meeting on the fourth floor auditorium," she said. It was ten steps from my desk. "There's one today, starting in an hour. Can you be there?"She had me. I was very nervous. I stopped in the men's' room across the hall to splash water on my face, and walked in. Maybe thirty people were seated around a table. I knew one of them. We used to drink together. I sat and listened. The guy next to me got applause when he said he'd been sober for a month. Another guy said five years. I believed the guy next to me.
They gave me the same booklet of meetings Susan had consulted. Two day later I flew to Toronto for the film festival. At least here no one knew me. I looked up A.A. in the phone book and they told me there was an A.A. meeting in a church hall across Bloor Street from my hotel. I went to so many Toronto meetings in the next week that when I returned to Chicago, I considered myself a member.
That was the beginning of a thirty years' adventure. I came to love the program and the friends I was making through meetings, some of whom are close friends to this day. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. What I hadn't expected was that A.A. was virtually theater. As we went around the room with our comments, I was able to see into lives I had never glimpsed before. The Mustard Seed, the lower floor of a two-flat near Rush Street, had meetings from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m., and all-nighters on Christmas and New Years' eves. There I met people from every walk of life, and we all talked easily with one another because we were all there for the same reason, and that cut through the bullshit. One was Humble Howard, who liked to perform a dramatic reading from his driver's license--name, address, age, color of hair and eyes. He explained: "That's because I didn't have an address for five years."
When I mention Humble Howard, you are possibly thinking you wouldn't be caught dead at a meeting where someone read from his driver's license. He had a lot more to say, too, and was as funny as a stand-up comedian. I began to realize that I had tended to avoid some people because of my instant conclusions about who they were and what they would have to say. I discovered that everyone, speaking honestly and openly, had important things to tell me. The program was bottom-line democracy.Yes, I heard some amazing drunkalogs. A Native American who crawled out from under an abandoned car one morning after years on the street, and without premeditation walked up to a cop and asked where he could find an A.A. meeting. And the cop said, "You see those people going in over there?" A 1960s hippie whose VW van broke down on a remote road in Alaska. She started walking down a frozen river bed, thought she herd bells ringing, and sat down to freeze to death. The bells were on a sleigh. The couple on the sleigh (so help me God, this is what she said) took her home with them, and then to an A.A. meeting. A priest who eavesdropped on his first meeting by hiding in the janitor's closet of his own church hall. Lots of people who had come to A.A. after rehab. Lots who just walked in through the door. No one who had been "sent by the judge," because in Chicago, A.A. didn't play that game. "If you don't want to be here, don't come."
Sometimes funny things happened. In those days I was on a 10 p.m. newscast on one of the local stations. The anchor was an A.A. member. So was one of the reporters. After we got off work, we went to the 11 p.m. meeting at the Mustard Seed. There were maybe a dozen others. The chairperson asked if anyone was attending their first meeting. A guy said, "I am. But I should be in a psych ward. I was just watching the news, and right now I'm hallucinating that three of those people are in this room."
I've been to meetings in Cape Town, Venice, Paris, Cannes, Edinburgh, Honolulu and London, where an Oscar-winning actor told his story. In Ireland, where a woman remembered, "Often came the nights I would measure my length in the road." I heard many, many stories from "functioning alcoholics." I guess I was one myself. I worked every day while I was drinking, and my reviews weren't half bad. I've improved since then.There are no dues. You throw in a buck or two if you can spare it, to pay for the rent and the coffee. On the wall there may be posters with the famous 12 Steps and the Promises, of which one has a particular ring for me: "In sobriety, we found we know how to instinctively handle situations that used to baffle us." There were mornings when I was baffled by how I was going to get out of bed and face the day.
I find on YouTube that there are many videos attacking A.A. for being a cult, a religion, or a delusion. There are very few videos promoting A.A., although the program has many. many times more members than critics. A.A. has a saying: "We grow through attraction, not promotion." If you want A.A., it is there. That's how I feel. If you have problems with it, don't come. Is it a "religion?" The first three Steps are,
* Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
* Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.* Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.
The God word. The critics never quote the words "as we understood God." Nobody in A.A. cares how you understand him, and would never tell you how you should understand him. I went to a few meetings of "4A" ("Alcoholics and Agnostics in A.A."), but they spent too much time talking about God. The important thing is not how you define a Higher Power. The important thing is that you don't consider yourself to be your own Higher Power, because your own best thinking found your bottom for you. One sweet lady said her higher power was a radiator in the Mustard Seed, "because when I see it, I know I'm sober."
Sober. A.A. believes there is an enormous difference between bring dry and being sober. It is not enough to simply abstain. You need to heal and repair the damage to yourself and others. We talk about "white-knuckle sobriety," which might mean, "I'm sober as long as I hold onto the arms of this chair." People who are dry but not sober are on a "dry drunk."A "cult?" How can that be, when it's free, nobody profits and nobody is in charge? A.A. is an oral tradition reaching back to that first meeting between Bill W. and Doctor Bob in the lobby of an Akron hotel. They'd tried psychiatry, the church, the Cure. Maybe, they thought, drunks can help each other, and pass it along. A.A. has spread to every continent and into countless languages, and remains essentially invisible. I was dumbfounded to discover there was a meeting all along right down the hall from my desk.
It prides itself on anonymity. There are "open meetings" to which you can bring friends or relatives, but most meetings are closed: "Who you see here, what you hear here, let it stay here." By closed, I mean closed. I told Eppie Lederer, who wrote as Ann Landers, that I was now in the program. She said, "I haven't been to one of those meetings in a long time. I want you to take me to one." Her limousine picked me up at home, and we were driven to the Old Town meeting, a closed meeting. I went in first, to ask permission to bring in Ann Landers. I was voted down. I went back to the limo and broke the news to her. "Well I've heard everything!" Eppie said. "Ann Landers can't get into an A.A. meeting!" I knew about an open meeting on LaSalle Street, and I took her there.
Eppie asked, "What do you think about my columns where I print the 20-part quiz to see if you have a drinking problem?" I said her quiz was excellent. I didn't tell her, but at a meeting I heard a two-parter: If you drink when you didn't intend to, and more than you intended to, you, my friend, have just failed this test.
"Everybody's story is the same," Humble Howard liked to say. "We drank too much, we came here, we stopped, and here we are to tell the tale." Before I went to my first meeting, I imagined the drunks would sit around telling drinking stories. Or perhaps they would all be depressing and solemn and holier-than-thou. I found out you rarely get to be an alcoholic by being depressing and solemn and holier-than-thou. These were the same people I drank with, although now they were making more sense.
¶What is the A.A. rate of success?.
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A little 12-part quiz.
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How to find an A.A. meeting.
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Ray Milland in "The Lost Weekend." With an eerie Theremin on the sound track.
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Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick, nominated for Oscars in "Days of Wine and Roses"
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Michael Keaton gets his chip, in "Clean and Sober"
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Mr. Ebert, you may be a "movie critic", but you're also a very good writer / essayist. Thank you for writing about what strikes your fancy. It's appreciated.
Mr. Ebert Days of Wine & Roses definitely gives you alcoholism up close and personal but I always say that the best movie for dissuading me from wanting to take a drink [and get married] is Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
The Lost Weekend and Days of Wine and Roses are two of my favorite films. Milland and Lemmon went all out.
Thanks for sharing this, Roger, and congrats on thirty years of sobriety! In your reviews of Withnail and I and Trees Lounge (to name a few), you wrote so eloquently about alcoholism. Given this post, I understand your connection with the characters. Your review of Withnail and I opens with:
In my drinking days, some of us would gather around noon on Saturdays at Oxford's Pub for what we called Drunch. We would commence with shots of creme de menthe and pint glasses of real Coke, in the hope that a combination of alcohol, sugar and caffeine would restore us. Then we would laugh until the tears ran down our faces about the hilarity of the dreadful things that had happened the night before. In doing this, I would often quote "We laugh, that we may not cry," although just now I have discovered that no one originally said that. I always thought it was Shakespeare. It was me.
As someone who's been sober thirty years, do you ever miss drinking? Your story has hints of nostalgia.
Ebert: I do not miss drinking. Not after what I went through. I do miss the friendship and camaraderie, although I have more than replaced it. I'll write an entry one of these days about O'Rourke's Pub.
I'm a great believer in whatever works. My brother used Rational Recovery (which is critical of AA), but it worked for him.
Oh, yeah, and my favorite (I'm sure you've heard them all) is, "First you take a drink. Then the drink takes a drink. Then the drink takes you."
Roger, congratulations on earning your 30-year coin. I had no idea you were "one of us".
Perhaps you might take some flack for "violating" the 11th tradition, but as the motto says, "To thine own self be true." I certainly appreciate you sharing the moment you choose to put down the drink, and your first steps along the bridge back to life. My moment came 8 and a half years ago, and I've been rewarded with many blessings since.
Roger,
God bless you. I have been sober since August 30, 1976. It's nice to know that the one movies critic I have relied on for over thirty years to review the movies I go to see and those I collect is a fellow traveler in Alcoholics Anonymous.
A wonderful piece. I am more and more amazed at your journey through life. Your writing is inspiring and I have a feeling it will reach someone somewhere.
I am an atheist, and I do not drink,never have really, but my Grandfather was an alcoholic and it led to his premature death at the age of 69. I do not know if he took part in AA but I do know that he eventually became sober. His story in part inspired me to never drink, and I have held to that with only a few exceptions in my life.
I tend to feel about programs like AA that you get out of it what you chose to take from it. If you don't believe in god then you are not going to come out beleiving in it. But... you might just come out a healthier person. Thank you again for your courage in telling your story. Good luck with your continued sobriety.
I recently celebrated 6 years, on August 18. Maybe we have the same "birthday."
I wish I had something wise to say, but I just nodded through this. AA worked--and works--for me. I got sober when I was 26; a baby in most of the rooms. And at first I hated it; I hated being the youngest person there. Most of all, I hated that everyone else got a good 20, 30 years of drinking in, when I hadn't even been drinking for 10. They got to drink for so much longer than I did!
Now I know that my alcoholism progressed so vast, so violently, that, had I kept drinking, I probably would be dead or in jail. I slept with too many people, drove drunk too often. I had just started drinking in the morning to take the edge off my hangover before going to my job as a high school English teacher. Now I'm married, have a baby, and am quietly happy. I never would have quit on my own.
Ebert: A lot of younger members are turning up--some of them not yet of legal drinking age.
Many kudos to you, sir, for kicking your drinking habit. Even more kudos to you for staying strong and not giving in to the temptation. I myself am a drinker, but I don't have a drinking problem.
I only drink to celebrate, when I'm in a happy mood. I avoid alcohol if I'm feeling sad, because I know it'll only go downhill from there.
WOW what an exciting day although I am somewhat concerning about the AA anonymity issue and your post. However there are today so many more anonymity breaks concerning AA and failed celebrities. Celebrity failure on the news networks every day. What a success story you and I am really excited and proud to read your blog no matter my concerns!! I am long time devoted fan and long have suspected there was a source of the deep psychological humanism of your movie reviews. I am sure it come from being sober. Due to your constant diligence writing fantastic review I always wanted to see more movies. I am now able to do that (sometimes 2 a day) and and am writing my own capsule reviews on Netflix and Rotten Tomatoes(ID dfwforeignbuff). (sometimes as much 300 words not much ha ha) I was sober 14 years June 15 2009. It is so fantastic to tell us about your other secret to writing good review--STAY SOBER AND AA WORKS!! Although the image you have of the Bill W obit says AA Canada I sold that obit on ebay a few years ago and that I my original image of the obit and that photo is also on my site. I am proud of saving that image too.!! Thanks for presenting us so much good info about AA here and all the pointers to Movies with Alcoholism and AA as a subject!! A longtime fan
There are many variations. If the "spiritual" stuff bothers any readers, there are humanist organizations that have similar groups under the name "Save Our Selves" (SOS).
My grandfather's on both sides were alcoholics. My father was. My mother was first a cocktail waitress in the era of hot pants a then a bartender in an area of moneyed heavy drinkers -- the more the money the heavier the drinking and the bigger the tips.
No surprise, really, that by the time I was 14 I was a surreptitious drinker at nights and a peer drinker Friday and Saturday nights.
I'm anecdotal evidence of the genetic proclivity toward addiction and perhaps more: genetically disposed to crave the taste.
Of course, Nurture was always nearby enabling Nature. How could my environment not have influenced me.
Mom even gave me the proverbial saturation treatment. Sat me down on the living room floor with a shot glass, a bowl of coarse salt and an unopened bottle of tequila complete with worm at the bottom.
I drank myself to drooling unconsciousness. The next weekend I got drunk on boon farms strawberry wine. Threw up like a sick dog. The next weekend it was Mickey wide mouth beer. You know, whatever I could get a liquor store patron to buy; whatever I could steal when I visited Mom at work; whatever might be around the house.
A convergence of circumstances somehow led me away from my problem. Part of it was a emerging awareness of not liking kissing the toilet or the asphalt, hating headaches at school.
As an adult I tremble in my self knowledge that but for the course correction I made I would be an alcoholic. I have thus spent my life sternly realistic about the steps an alcoholic must choose (AA, in-patient treatment programs, etc. I've witnessed more and more enduring success through AA than cognitive behavioral and forced abstinence programs), yet concurrently knowing and non-judgmental.
I often wondered from whence your prolific output and high intellectual vigor. Were you as driven and as productive pre-August
1979 as you have been since sobriety? Has the controlled mania -- up, up and away in my beautiful alcohol-free balloon -- continued?
Ebert: I have more time and energy for writing now. My mania has calmed way down. The grapefruit did it. I guess.
Could not wait to get away from Nebraska, out to the real world, which included Wash. D.C. (1963) and Vietnam (1965-66). This country bumpkin had to go back to Nebraska to get sober (1970), not way to differently than described here - 39 years ago. Thanks for the article.
I'm glad you included the clip from Clean and Sober, which had such wonderful AA scenes in it. The best analogy I ever heard about will power is that it's like holding your breath under water. You take a huge gulp of air and dive under, you sit there comfortably for the first while. Then the urge to take another breath begins to build and build until you can't stand another second, you must breath again or die. That's addiction.
I remember when the "Oscar-winning actor" was outed during an interview by a blissfully ignorant reporter (who later wondered what the big deal was), he rebuked this reporter quite severely on camera and I was happy to see him do it. Anyway, he's never spoken about it in public as far as I know, but you could tell by his demeanor that he had great respect for AA. I think most of us do, instinctually.
I think the fact that it is voluntary in every respect is what makes it such a success. You are simply faced with a free choice, you cannot later say that you were forced to be there, and therefore give yourself permission to rebel against that coercion. There is nothing to rebel against. No dogma, no structure, no hierarchy. The only thing you are confronted with is yourself.
I'm coming up on 5 years myself, thanks for sharing this.
Roger,
I'm in my mid twenties, and I've been reading you reviews for about 10 years or so, though I rarely go to the movies or even watch DVDs. When you began your blog, I started reading that too. I just want to say, your entries make me really happy. Thanks.
Congratulations, Roger. When I went into AA, at first I had to understand "a power greater than myself" to be the power of the AA community, for it is indeed greater than my lone self and was the main thing that helped me through. That would be my suggestion to people who have trouble with a metaphysical understanding of Step 2. Keep coming back!!
If you haven't taken a drink in 30 years and you haven't wanted to take a drink in 30 years...then are you an alcoholic? This is what I can't understand. I've heard some call people that only drink on New Years Eve "alcoholics". What is the definition? Is anyone that's ever had a drink an "alcoholic"?
I picture the person over the last 30 years struggling with wanting to have a drink, but not giving in. If you don't even desire it, then where's the addiction? I always figured desire and addiction go hand-in-hand.
Ebert: People that only drink on New Years Eve are no alcoholics. I found that A.A. removed the desire to drink. Before that, I struggled with wanting a drink.
The definition might be deduced from those 12 questions at the bottom of my entry.
I was completely unaware that there were critics of A.A. I always took the "as you understand" bit to mean "if you don't understand God to exist, fine." As you say, it's not about the diety, but the illness. Typical that the big subject in a room full of agnostics is God. Gather two of us together for any length of time, and that's where the conversation goes.
I'm very pleased with this post--many of us will never wind up knowing what one of these meetings are like. My only basis for comparison was Weight Watchers, and I very much doubt the stories that come out there are as personal as the ones told in A.A., which I now imagine has all the potential of a great Studs Terkel interview with the tape recorder turned off.
Congratulations on pulling through.
Ebert: Studs would have loved the meetings. He loved a martini, but I never saw him appear to be drunk, or even tipsy.
These were the same people I drank with, although now they were making more sense.
I'm reminded of the painting "Nighthawks" after reading this entry, nix the alcohol of course. It's interesting to see how with one common objective, it becomes that much easier to really understand people we'd otherwise judge and criticize without another second's thought. With any addiction, the feeling of dependency, helplessness, and loneliness is the epitome of a deep, unfeeling hole that seems to be a never-ending tunnel leading to only two ends: death or self-reflection.
I'm also reminded of Sofia Coppola's "Lost in Translation": two people, complete utter strangers, connect because they are both alone and lost in a city that is beyond their cultural norm; two people who, arguably, would have nothing to do with one another back home, unite because they especially need each other in a country that accepts them as foreigners and nothing more. Such is the beauty of human nature, even as fickle as it can be.
He had a thick Physician's Drug Reference on his desk, and liked to pat it. "There are 12 drugs in there," he said, "that we know work for sure. The best one is aspirin."
All too true, and all the more hilarious. My Physiology professor chuckled about how researchers don't know the full extent of effects for about half the drugs out there on the market.
We laughed, and then he mentioned how Viagra came about. Funny thing, science is.
You made me cry a little bit, Roger. My time is coming I guess.
But I tried quitting drinking a few years ago and it was like my wife died. I found myself grieving a horrible loss.
Alcohol has been my one true love in life; she elates me. She makes me proud and happy to be alive. We have been together for over two decades together, and I weep at the thought of leaving her.
When I'm not vomiting, of course.
I just don't have much to say other than that. I'm not sure I'm man enough to leave the one true love of my life, even if she kills me. Hell, I guess I don't know.
Ebert: Booze is always there for you, doesn't argue, doesn't criticize, and with a hangover it is the cure. A.A. works the same way.
Thank you Roger for posting this.
I have shown up to countless AA meetings to bring snacks and make good coffee, then leave before the actual meeting started because I was too terrified that it would lead me on a path to real sobriety.
I'll reconsider.
I celebrated 40 years clean and sober on March 15. The whole thing has been the grace of God for me since given my own thinking (whihc got me to AA) I would have drowned in booze. Congratulations on your AA b'day.
I have film to thank for making me too scared to try drinking or smoking to excess.
Nowadays I do drink in moderation, but the 'Pleasure Island' scene in Pinocchio scared the hell out of me when I was young!
Is't it funny how people always attack things they do not understand?
I myself don't quite understand it, not being an alcoholic and never attending a meeting, but I don't understand why some people can knock this program that has helped so many.
If it is good enough for Roger Ebert, one of the day's best writers and social commentators, it is good enough for me.
Bravo Roger, for your sobriety, your "enlightenment", your demonstration of the 12th step, and your always wonderful writing.
Thanks for posting this, Roger. I grew up around a number of people (being vague here on purpose, I'm sure you understand) who chose AA as a path to sobriety. In the face of all the crap that we all face throughout our lives, it amazes me that they have been able to avoid the temptation to slide back into oblivion. There must be something to this whole thing, I figure. Congratulations, and thanks. Who knows - without your courage and determination, we all might have been deprived of hundreds of thousands of your thought-provoking words.
What a great demonstration of your love of humanity by posting this. Years back, I read David Foster Wallace's _Infinite Jest_ and found myself wanting the kind of community described in his depictions of AA meetings. I was telling friends I'm not sure if the tipping point towards me petitioning to join a Masonic Lodge was to get some semblance of that community. The knowledge that you are not alone, that regardless of your Higher Power, a definite higher power is folks banding together to get through something together, and to help others though being present. Your piece eloquently speaks for AA and for the good of human interconnectedness when facing a shared problem/working towards a shared goal.
Good for you Roger! I think I could have been heading down the same road but about 7 years ago, I was able to stop drinking cold turkey.
If I have one beer in six months now, that's a lot.
If I hadn't been able to stop on my own, I believe I would have found support I needed at AA or some similar organization.
Mr. Ebert, as a fan of yours for as long as I've loved film, I get the sense that this post has been a long time coming. There've been subtle hints in many of your reviews, but this post lays the issue to rest. And, thinking back on all your blog entries, it seems like you're trying to get everything out, saying what you feel needs to be said before you go. I very much hope I'm wrong.
Ebert: I don't expect to go anytime soon, but other than that, you're right.
I'm glad you wrote this, and I hope that some people see it that can be helped by it. And I say that as someone who's never taken a drink in his life.
The problem is, my brother did (http://pipeline.corante.com/archives/2005/04/05/in_memoriam.php). He started in high school and never really stopped. He tried to quit, but by that time he had been in bad shape for years, and in the end, he didn't make it. Cleaning out his house after he died is, I can only hope, going to stay very high on my list of worst experiences.
It's always good to hear of people who are beating it. Here's hoping that others will be motivated to do something before it's too late.
(Oh, and as a drug company scientist, I can confirm that there are a *lot* of things about known drugs that we don't understand - particularly the ones for depression and other CNS disorders).
Roger,
You've commented publicly on the movies for more than 40 years, but you really have found your "voice" [pun soberly noted!] with this "blog." I find it quite moving, with abundant sincerity and eloquence.
You're pouring your emotion (and a lifetime of memories) into it, sir, and producing the best work of your life. Kudos. : )
When I first saw the title of the entry I thought that it was just one of those witty titles of yours and you didn't mean it literally. I suppose I always thought you are a person that has everything in his life in order as if that means something. I know better than that. It's just that my mother is an alcoholic (sober for 11 years) and she is what I think they call "a free spirit". She wanted to live her youth diferently than what society and family wanted her to.
Truth is, I have met a lot of alcoholics and a lot of them seem as people that wouldn't drink even socially. You know, what we call "nice kids". Serious lawyers, architects and apparently Pulitzer winners.
I have great respect for alcoholics that have become sober. I think they have learned how to understand their limits, how to be the best they can within these limits. They have come to understand their weaknesses and those of others. Of course they make mistakes all the time just like eveyone else. The difference is that they don't just say "hey that's just me, I'll accept it". They will say that only if they really believe they can't change it.
I have to say I was really moved by your article and I hope it will help people. Alcoholics to try to get better and non alcoholics to understand.
Your story is among the best I've read about Alcoholics Anonymous and its impact on our lives. I celebrated 38 years of sobriety in February. And like you, I have broken my anonymity. A recently published memoir tells the story ofP my journey from a curbside on skid row in New Orleans to award-winning reporter and my ten year tenure as Senior Investigative Correspondent for CNN's Special Assignment Unit. My success in collecting multiples of every major broadcast journalism award, including four Peabody medallions,is intertwined with the principles I learned in the fellowship -- foremost being the principle of self-honesty we begin developing from the day we first walk through the doors with "a desire to stop drinking." I am a hard-nose when it comes to AA Traditions, but there are times when it is necessary to publicly share our stories and success in order to help the still-suffering alcoholic/addict who has not found AA. Thirty-eight years gives me confidence that that the breach will not result in AA police repossessing my chips. Congratulations again on a superb article.
Hi Roger,
Thank you for yet another wonderful entry.
Have you by any chance read David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest? AA figures strongly in the novel and is the subject of some very moving passages therein.
Roger, thanks so much. I've been reading you for years, and certain turns of phrase led me suspect you were in the program, too. Or at least otherwise initmately familiar with it. I agree with your approach re: the 11th tradition. Such a great opportunity to pay it forward, and a story lucidly told, as always. Congratulations and thanks.
As always, Roger, a thoughtful, honest entry.
While I am not myself an alcoholic, it is in my family history, and so it does not seem so unlikely that I may someday have to sit down and find myself one of these meetings. As a retired Christian, (read: agnostic) I understand how steps 2 and 3 could make A.A. seem inaccessible to people like me. How can we make the decision to give our will over to God if we do not accept that there is a God? I would not consider this to be an issue of one religion versus another, but rather of any religion versus none at all. This, I think, is where the critiques of A.A. come from - a cult is not simply a body which has leadership and takes money. It is simply a group of people who believe the same thing, and which is, perhaps, inaccessible to those who do not believe in this thing. At first glance, it very much puts the nonreligious on the outside.
This is why your sentence about the radiator at the Mustard Seed was, to me, the most critical point in this entry - the one that you should spread, if you spread any of it past this blog. There will always be atheists and agnostics so dedicated to being atheists and agnostics that the mention of considering something - anything - to be a "higher power" will work them into a holier-than-thou lather. ("Did you know that radiators were responsible for the Crusades? Millions died!") But to make a place like A.A. accessible to a person like me, I think it's important to qualify your higher power as something which is, in the end, whatever keeps you on the right track. For those of us who are not too proud to put ourselves in the hands of, at the very least, a proven process like A.A., maybe that's the key.
I wish I could have met that sweet lady.
I’ve been reading your reviews for years and have just recently discovered your blog, I am enjoying each posting. In particular, thanks so much for sharing this story, it is very inspiring.
Congratulations, Mr. Ebert on 30 years. As it happens, I am reading this week Malcolm Lowry's Under the Volcano. It is a novel set in the waning days of the Spanish Civil War and before the advent of WWII. It's basically a day in the life of a pretty strong alcoholic. I don't know whether Lowry was a drinker, and I have never touched the stuff, but the passages about the need to drink sound right. The main character describes his "familiars"-voices in his head that urge him to imbibe and how he can't shake them. Have you read it and if so is it authentic to the drunk's experience?
Ebert: Oh, Lowry was a drunk, all right. I've read the novel, a great work. I assume it reflects some of his own experience.
Roger,
Talk about coincidences, yesterday I read your chapter in "Great Chicago Stories" where you mentioned starting at the Sun-Times and beginning to drink like a "real newspaperman", going with Mike Royko to a bar and talking sports. As I read it, I was struck by the fact you wrote openly about drinking. Though the story was written in 1994, I was afriad that just writing about it would give you the urge to start again, relive those early days.
I certainly remember those times, long ago, at O'Rourkes. Sometimes we find ourselves heading down the wrong path or alley. If we're lucky we can retrace our steps and chose a better path, a road that can lead to meaning and purpose for your life. I know you went fairly far down that first path. I am, as you probably know, deliriously happy that you found the way, with the help of many, to your current location of crystal clear vision and insight.
Please excuse the overheated analogies.
Chuck Kuenneth
That was very well said, Roger. I've struggled with my own demons in my life. They have nothing to do with alcohol. When I look at them from an outside perspective my problems don't seem so bad at all - in fact they sound trivial. But that's part of the problem isn't it? You lose perspective. And then you get some perspective and you see that things weren't as big as you thought. And that can make you feel guilty/stupid/angry that you blew things out of proprtion. And that guilt etc. fuels you to do it again.
I'm glad you shared this, Roger.
It's unfortunate that those people with "silent" addictions cannot reach out and receive the therapeutic, necessary communication and catharsis that is so demonstrable in Alcoholics Anonymous. Those silent addictions that are equally as dangerous, but have no alarm bells and take shape to become a cumulative monster with no indicators that bodily harm is occurring. No headaches, no hangovers, no passouts. It's a shame that the body doesn't react in revulsions to nicotine as it does alcohol.
Smoking, food addiction, porn addiction, gambler's addiction all require that same awareness, symbiosis, human relateness that is inherent in AA. Try finding a smoker's anonymous.
Roger, this was a brilliant, well-thought piece. I dislike using the term "agnostic" or "atheist" because it seems to me to be a very limited game to play. "This" or "that" sort of thing. The point is, whomever came up with the "God as we understood God" part was wise. Anyone who calls AA a religion or cult movement really doesn't get it.
Keep up the great work!
All the best,
Sean
Tradition 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need ALWAYS maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.
Thanks for this! It's well-thought-out explanation of AA that does a great service to the program. I just celebrated 5 years a few weeks ago, after trying to stop on my own for 5 years.
Oh, god, I thought, I have been sober as long as Roger Ebert. Oh well, maybe a few months more. I'm not going to read that. And yeah, what about the anonymity thing? These people.
But so glad I read it.
The greatest positive review you've ever written, fair and balanced. It will help thousands...and it helped me today.
Is it ever difficult to watch movies that show a lot of drinking? You said that, since your first AA meeting, you've never really wanted to drink, and I doubt seeing James Bond chug a martini would do much to change that. But it must at least prompt you to think about the issue.
Thank-you so much Roger. I think this blog post is the most important step of your continuing recovery. I has a spouse who couldn't stand the meetings - I wish she had been able to read an account like this.
I had my latest beer and mandatory hangover (more cumpulsion than choice) a few days ago and the second last of my estimated 325,000 cigarettes(25 cigarettes a day for 25 years) on August 17 ,1992, 16 years ago.I still find it pleasant to partake secondary aroma when the situation arises. I tried for many years and "stopped" several times till on the fated day it just somehow happened and a nightmare of sorts of dependancy ended finally. Now I find my tea-o-holism also on a wither but that's mainly because a just-right-for-you cuppa hard to encounter and that's an area I find hard to compromise. It's harder to complain about the taste of water. On rare occasions becoming rarer I miss the weed but then you can't take it with you, so better remain quitted. I feel a certain envy not your alcoholism but the drama of AA nicely sketched in the above.
I admire you when you say you haven't had the desire to drink in 30 years. That takes an enormous amount of strength. I consider myself mainly a beer drinker, which is nothing compared to a "real" drink (though I'm talking Canadian beer here), and even I can get overcome with desire if I go too long without one. And, let's be honest, when I say "one" I really mean ten. Who has one drink and stops? A stronger person than me, that's for sure. In fact, not to make light of a serious subject, but I am really dying for a beer right now.
Bravo, Roger! What a moving piece.
I am not an alcoholic, but I am a mental health counselor who has worked with people who have struggled with addictions.
As part of my training I took a class that required me to attended two AA meetings.
What I discovered were people of deep sincerity and humility. I met people who had been to Hell and back, and who were more than happy to tell you their tale. Some of the elder members had a humanity and peacefulness about them that I imagine resulted from their noble confrontations with their addictions and personal suffering. The best way to describe them would be "soulful." I imagine they would make great healers.
I believe that, if addressed consciously and with the right attitude, suffering is the royal road to compassion, empathy, and soul. Like I mentioned, I am not in AA, but it seems as if the 12 steps are nothing less than the instructions for how to make an alchemical transformation; to take the "lead" of the addiction and transform it into the "gold" of self-actualization.
Reading your article, I had the same feeling I had when talking to those people at the AA meetings. I have been an avid reader of yours for years now, and always thought of you as being deeply thoughtful, open, and...soulful. Now maybe I know a big reason why.
I am thinking of your insight that film is the greatest art form for creating an experience of empathy. I wonder if your experiences with your own suffering in addiction and your healing in AA has deepened your own ability to empathize with others, as well as the characters on the screen.
Thanks again for such a beautiful post.
Roger,
Breaking your anonymity breaks AA's 12 tradition. Reread it. Nowhere in the tradition does it provide exceptions. Even for those with over 30 years. Now that it is broken you cannot unbreak it. AA is a program of attraction not promotion and did not need you to recruit new members. Breaking anonymity is an ego feeding proposition, in effect you are saying look at me, I'm sober. Did it occur to you that there may be alcoholics who find your persona pompous and insufferable? Now they will associate AA with you and have another reason to postpone going to a meeting. AA's green card says that the greatest reward is to do a good deed in secret and have it discovered by accident. After all those years you ought to have read the 12th tradition and if you didn't understand it you should have got someone to explain it to you.
Anonymous
Here's how I heard it (using beer instead of wine), I think in a book of essays by Rumi: First the man drinks a beer. Then the beer drinks another beer. Then the beer drinks the man.
Thanks for sharing your story, Roger. One way of quitting drinks, drugs, etc. is to get involved in physical fitness, like jogging, or anything that gets your heart moving fast. Exercise releases endorphins in your brain that creates a sensation similar to the feeling of being drunk or high. Once you get into a routine of exercise, you don't want to get high or drunk as much, since it slows you down, and you notice how the after-effects make the exercise less enjoyable.
Roger, you put more eloquently what I have said and thought about the program for all of my 24-hours of grateful recovery. Thanks for the 12th step. God (of your understanding) bless.
Thank you for the insight into A.A. and congratulations on reaching 30 years.
During holidays and summers while in college I worked part-time as an orderly on an alcoholic ward. I witnessed a lot of change in the behaviors as patients were admitted and underwent a month of treatment. The anguished expressions of families bringing in loved ones for help, reeled me into feeling things I never experienced--sometimes happiness when they made it and sometimes tears when I saw them return and their families again. I didn't do much for them except listen and learn, but I feel fortunate to have seen the human spirit succeed and fail with so much at stake.
I am so thankful that A.A. is so pervasive in such a subtle way.
Have a good one!
I corresponded for several years with a man named Sheldon Smith of La Crescenta, CA, who said he was one of the developers of the 12 Step program. Shel would have to be around 90 if he's still going. The letters were largely our respective ramblings about reality, and of course the subject of cults came up. Of course you're right, Roger. Not only are rain gauges a fascinating subject for me, so are cults. Google "Strong City" if you want a look at a cult currently in progress.
I blew my conversational wad about alcoholism on that other blog. None in my immediate family, but was surrounded with it in a little town in upstate NY, not far from where the WCTU was founded in 1865 -- in justifiable alarm, I'm sure. I consider myself blessed not to have had to deal directly with alcoholics until age 49 or so. Good lord what pains in the asses. They were worse than dealing with bad LSD trips among my friends in college.
This is a great essay, Roger, but it's incomplete and I'm not sure replying in a posting would be the place to do it, if you're willing. If you are, would you mind giving us a little history of how you'd come to this dependency? I do know that's part of the AA therapy.
A quick reply to Scott Gant that could easily be longer: "If you don't even desire it, then where's the addiction?" The biggest misconception about alcoholism is that it's all related to desire. It is in fact a disease. Thankfully, it's a manageable disease, and that's where desire comes in -- a desire to get better. But desire alone does not make one sober. Likewise, removal of desire doesn't end addiction. Because alcoholism is a disease it means that someone can be a recovering addict for 50 years but cannot go back to casual drinking, as the effect of the drink will, more or less, be the same as it was 50 years before. Alas, too many addicts know this too well.
Second, to Roger: As someone who has watched the person I have loved more than anyone struggle with addiction, I thank you for writing honestly about your experience. She, too, was critical of AA and the "God part." But that was addiction speaking. Addiction will do whatever it can to preserve itself, including creating obstacles to recovery. Anyone who has read your blog in recent months and come to understand your feelings about religion should know that it's the belief in the higher power beyond yourself, not in God, that's at the root of the AA program. I encourage anyone who has avoided AA meetings because of the "God part" to give it a chance, or another chance. Being sober doesn't require going to church on Sundays.
I did not know you had a phase of your life in which you struggled with alcohol. This was a very interesting recollection. In any case, I'm glad AA worked out well for you, regardless of what anyone else says about the program.
When it comes to alcohol, I have been something of a goody-two-shoes. Just about every person in my peer group I've met had been drunk at least once or twice before they were legal drinking age; I did not have my first, full actual drink until the night marking my 21st year of existence. Part of that is that I didn't want to face the repercussions from my parents if they ever found out that I drank underage. Another part is that I just didn't go out of my way to go to parties or events where people would be minors in the presence of alcohol (outside of regulated family gatherings where it would not have been permissable to begin with.) OK, sure, my relatives would allow me an occasional sip of wine or beer when I was a teenager. But I never had an actual drink until I reached age.
Of course, on that first night, I went all out. I got ceiling-under-the-floor drunk. I wanted to experience it for the first time, consequences be darned. I liked the feeling, actually--at least, while being in the midst of the inebriation. It's possible certain aspects of personality are exaggerated in people when they are drunk--some might frequently become aggressive, others silly--and I was just very happy and jolly. It wasn't unpleasant in the least. The next morning, I did have a little bit of a headache, but it wasn't the full degree of hangover that I was expecting might have happened. I was just lucky that time.
I didn't take things too far. I didn't get drunk every weekend after that; just a few occasions here and there. Nevertheless, finally the night came where I did get drunk and was finally greeted to a proper hangover. That morning was absolute torture. It was a most unholy combination of a migrane, of a sour stomach, of spats of vomiting. My pain tolerance is notorioiusly low (I'm a cry baby, what can I say) so that experience was enough to stop me from ever repeating it. I have not had a hangover since, because I have not drank like that since. No doubt alcoholics have experienced the same hangovers, but somehow they adhere to their addiction. I wouldn't be so smug to say that it was willpower to give up drinking. For me, it was just plain the desire of avoiding pain. And for that matter, I found being in the depths of the inebriation on the night of drinking, even before the morning of suffering, was often uncomfortable. I would lie down on the couch while in the middle of it, and the sensation of the room spinning around me was not a good one.
But, actually, I didn't quit drinking. I gave up *heavy* drinking. I still drink socially--meaning, one or two beers on a given night, and that's it. I don't drink any forms of hard liquor at all. I'm not a fan of wine or champagne. But beer I still love, and I am something of an aspiring connoisseur. There's a culture of that for beer just as much as there is a massive culture of it for wine. So I suppose I was well on my path to alcoholism, but was able to draw the line to instead be a responsible, regulated drinker. Everything in moderation, as they say.
I wonder what other interesting a enlightening stuff about yourself you have hidden from your faithful readers. I think Bill W. looks a bit like Max Von Sydow. Maybe they could make a movie about him. And also, I finally get why you loved Leaving Las Vegas so much, I mean besides being great film. Great post, Roger.
Thanks Roger. And congratulations.
I just got my 9 month chip a couple of days ago. It's working for me. Gotta go. Headed to a meeting :)
Reply to: * Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. The important thing is that you don't consider yourself to be your own Higher Power, because your own best thinking found your bottom for you.
Responding only to the small part I've posted above, I disagree with this strongly.
Being told to turn your lives over to the care of God... depends totally on whether there's a supernatural intelligence that WANTS you to have a better or happier life.
If no such power exists, then you're not making difficult decisions about questions in your life that demand difficullt answers.
Many people never develop Good Judgment. Many people assume "God will provide." It just doesn't work that way. Let's talk about movies for a second. It takes months and even years to develop a script. Yet children are told "Don't talk nonsense" and their own parents may make fun of them when they try to develop the creative "voice" that would allow them to tell a great story.
You've got to make an effort to find "The Correct Answer." Not simply "The Answer That Works."
Reply to: It was the best thing that ever happened to me. A.A. (meetings were) virtually theater. As we went around the room with our comments, I was able to see into lives I had never glimpsed before.
You found a place where you could observe insights into other human lives. Congratulations. By some random process, you found an alternative to movies and books and meeting your friends down at the local pub that worked for you.
Reply to: * Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
* Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
But the bottom line is, the only "power greater than ourselves" is Brain Chemistry.
You don't realize that your brain can force, or trick, or compel you to take a course of action.
I can remember times when I'm thinking about a certain place, and the next day, I find an excuse to drive there. And not remember why until I'm almost to the front door.
My brain... is fooling me. Tricking me.
The most obvious example is on display in the movie "Titanic." After years of unhappiness, Rose finds a man who 'turns her world around." She gets out of a lifeboat to be with him. Her brain is telling her, "I'm going to make you happier than you've ever been, but if you're not with him, I'm going to make you more miserable than you've ever been." And Rose doesn't realize that her brain is calling the shots. She thinks it's "love."
When Celine Dion sings, "I believe the heart does live on," she means the Memory of a loved one can release the same happy chemicals as being with him, even after he's dead.
An AA meeting has a lot of hand-holding, to help you ignore the messages your brain is sending out. Your brain wants you to take another drink. Understand that the decision-making process is NOT trying to help you in life. Don't rely on some Imaginary Higher Power that can make decisions for you. That way, you'll only wind up avoiding the difficult decisions that could help you.
But going to the "Confession theater" of AA meetings sounds irresistable. Because you learn more about how real human beings think than you see in most movies.
I was just reading a memoir by a woman who had a friendship with Bernie Madoff over 20 years. She was married. She and her husband took out a mortgage on their home and invested the proceeds with Madoff. There was one clear warning. Madoff refused to answer any questions about his investment, saying "I don't have time to answer everybody's questions." If you rely on a Higher Power, or God, or having Bernie Madoff for a close friend, you're going to lose everything. Eventually. A huge lesson in life, even greater than AA meetings, would be realizing that the Pope and Bernie Madoff refuse to answer the same questions.
I congratulate you on your sobriety. I have about 1/2 of your sobriety time at 16 and 1/2 years but question your decision to break AA's tradition of anonymity at the level of press, radio and film. Please let people know that you are not drunk proof and if for any reason you did go back to drink,that the fault would be yours and not AA's.
Ebert: I second that. It works if you work it.
Thanks for sharing.
My grandfather and uncle were alcoholics, and I recall the turmoil that it brings to families. Lucky for me I can't stand the taste of any alcoholic beverage, though Coca-Cola sings to me like a Syren.
I can't believe that people actually talk smack about A.A., that amazes me. I know some people won't rest until the word 'God' is rid from our language, but considering A.A. a cult is just plain looney. Like you say, it's help that's there if you need it, who can have an issue with that? Some people are so perfect that it's easy to pick on those of us with vices. Must be nice.
Well congratulations on being sober for thirty years. My only issue is making someone say they are an alcoholic so long after they've stopped drinking. At some point can't you say you 'used to be an alcoholic'? If I had a complaint about any of it, I'd complain about that!
Is there anybody out there who's got a hangover RIGHT NOW? You might want to heed Agent Dale Cooper's advice:
Cooper: "Surefire cure for a hangover. You take a glass of nearly frozen unstrained tomato juice, you plop a couple of oysters in there and drink it down. Breathe deeply. Next you take a mound- and I mean a mound- of sweetbreads. Saute 'em with some chestnuts and Canadian bacon. Finally, biscuits- big biscuits smothered in gravy. Now this is where it gets tricky, you're gonna needs some anchovies..."
(RUSH TO THE NEAREST RESTROOM!)
Cooper: "That should do it."
Wallace's "Infinite Jest" expounds at length the usefulness and efficacy of AA beautifully, and is a work of genius in itself, so after your next meeting in some library's basement...
30 years of sobriety is wonderful.I will have 5years in october.AA saved my life.I love the comments people are giving reading them feels like I am in a meeting.
Thank you for the article. I especially enjoy your sharing without making judgements. There are AA members who do that--I believe you just have to find a meeting that works for you.
I started sneaking booze at age 13. I believe I was genetically pre-disposed to alcoholism (2 grandparents, both parents, and an aunt all alcoholics), but being sexually abused by my minister step-father certainly pushed me along my alcoholic way. I got to see my father sober up before he died. My mother, on the other hand, literally pickled her brain before she died. (For those of you that think alcoholics only die of accidents or sclerosis of the liver, think again.) I lost jobs and friends because of my drinking. I dropped out of college and stayed in a very bad and abusive marriage and just hid in my bottle and slept around to make up for the loveless marriage. Finally, I had enough. Someone told me they loved me, but they hated my drinking, and I had better "get out and get some help, or just get out". The words came right when I was ready to hear them. I had tried getting sober before, but I wasn't really ready to follow through.
I am now coming up on 10 years of sobriety in November. I have a good job and would like to go back to school. I am divorced from my abusive husband, and my abusive step-father is dead. I just bought my very own house! I have so many friends and family who love me to pieces, and always seem happy to hear from me. Years ago people probably cringed every time they heard my drunken voice on the phone. These days, people can't seem to get enough of me (I still reel with amazement at this!). I have AA to thank for a beautiful life!
Wow, I had no idea this was part of your life. When I read in your last blog that you hadn't had a drink in 30 years, I figured it was just because you didn't want to.
After my best friend took her life without warning, I started drinking. It was my sophomore year of college, so I used that fact that I was in college as an excuse. Same with the marijuana, and the adderall, and the Oxycontin. I went to a therapist, which helped tremendously, but I was still self-medicating. He told me about Survivors of Suicide meetings, which provided me with some major breakthroughs. Sounds similar in the fact that it was just people, talking, being honest. Not having to explain yourself, because they know.
I was long out of college, but I stopped drinking, and quit the other drugs because I fell in love. I still worry though, what would happen if our relationship were to end.
Thanks for the inspiring words.
You make me want to become an alcoholic so that I can attend AA meetings and meet all of these interesting people!
"'Everybody's story is the same,' Humble Howard liked to say. 'We drank too much, we came here, we stopped, and here we are to tell the tale.'"
I used to say this to people who didn't believe they were. I generally said - I can't say if you are or not. I, personally, didn't drink as much as a lot of people here, but I drank more than I wanted to. My story is simple - I drank, I drank too much, when I tried to quit on my own, I couldn't until I found this group.
I've pointed out the same things you do here when asked if it is a cult.
One should recognize that cultists have used AA as a model, but the main difference is that AA doesn't require anything of its members.
I wish my husband would see this. His father died of alcoholism and it bugs him. Yet, the way my husband drinks, little does he know he too is an alcoholic. He's functioning, doesn't drink a whole bottle of Jack, he likes the taste of it---you hear the excuses of how he isn't like his father.
Yet between that and the weed, I fear for the inheritance of the disease. We have the most precious, amazing, and wonderful little boy and every day I hope, pray, and guide him so he doesn't follow the same path as his father and grandfather. It scares me.
After thirty some years of sobriety I almost convinced myself that I could now have a little wine with dinner.
Your article just reminded me that miracles do happen especially when you least expect it and I thank you so very much.
I just happened to go to your web site to see what new releases are out.
Drink is a cunning adversary even after thirty years.
Mr. Ebert, it sounds like AA is great, but you are really, really missing the boat on one key issue.
I am a dyed in the wool atheist. I do not believe in anything remotely concerning a higher power, and I find the concept of submissions to a bogey man impossible to swallow. Hitchens and Dawkins are on my bedside table. How can there possible be a place for me at an organization like AA?
Ebert: They're on my bedside table too--symbolically, anyway.
I do not believe in God. I did not submit to a bogey man. But my own best efforts always ended in drinking. I needed to learn from those who had my problems, or sometimes much worse, and were staying sober. For me, the meetings accomplished for me what I could not do on my own. At any meeting, I welcome and applaud whatever Higher Power works for any other member. I value their sobriety. If they disagree with me on theological matters, that is truly insignificant.
I wish my husband would see this. His father died of alcoholism and it bugs him. Yet, the way my husband drinks, little does he know he too is an alcoholic. He's functioning, doesn't drink a whole bottle of Jack, he likes the taste of it---you hear the excuses of how he isn't like his father.
Yet between that and the weed, I fear for the inheritance of the disease. We have the most precious, amazing, and wonderful little boy and every day I hope, pray, and guide him so he doesn't follow the same path as his father and grandfather. It scares me.
Mr. Ebert, I used to think A.A. was a dangerous cult akin to Scientology. You've convinced me otherwise. Thank you for writing this.
-- Brian Boyko
I find it odd that people that abuse and become addicted to alochol see themselves so differently from those that abuse and/or are addicted to other substances. Have you ever heard of an ex-smoker going to meetings for 30 years and continuing to consider themselves to be in 'recovery'? There are some addictions which people suffer from and generally have a defeatist attitude but they focus on an intrinsic quality (e.g. sexual addiction) instead an acquired one. How many other addictions are there where you can say 'I haven't > in .' and someone gives them a gold star and people are expected to congratulate them like they are a grade schooler?
Roger:
This was a great read. I had no idea that you were a member of A.A., but I guess that's one of the points of A.A. My father, late in life, joined A.A. It helped him quit, but by then the damage had been done. He lived to almost 77, but without drinking, I am sure he would be alive today, three years later.
One thing I've always wondered about A.A. is whether those who have been sober as long as you have--whether you still feel the need to go to meetings. Do you still have urges to consume alcohol (even with your physical limitations) or are those all behind you, and you attend meetings simply for the comfort of it? Did you ever fear that your attendance would be publicized by another member given your notariety?
Roger,
Congratulations on staying sober.
In your review of AA you mentioned that "The last thing I want to do is start an argument about A.A.". Yet at several points later in the article, it initiates a defense of AA against what are known to be criticisms of the program.
I thought that as a reviewer you might use your skills to present a fair and balanced view. The article was akin to saying you love a particular movie, there is nothing wrong with this movie, the good points overwhelm any deficiencies, and you don't want to hear anything to the contrary. Hmmm.... I always found your reviews to be much more balanced.
It is OK... perhaps AA does have a grip on you. Glad you found God through AA, but it is a religion with may problems and it harms many individuals. The 12th step is about "helping others", not just taking the one sided view of AA. That is one of the problems; that AA members will defend the program "uber alles" including ignoring the harm it causes to some people.
Thanks again for taking the bold step to publish your experiences and some views on AA. The more that 12-step programs come out of hiding, and our society understands them more, the better it is for everyone.
Roger thank you so much for sharing this. My fiancee started AA this summer. For him it is still a struggle, so it goes without saying that for me it is still a struggle.
Thank you.
I liked his story. Someone should have told him our steps are only suggested. AA says "AA is not a religious organization. There is no Dogma. The one theological proposition is a power greater than oneself. Even this concept is forced on no one." I think there is a lot of cult like things going on in AA, and I do not like it.
But as far as my staying away, that is not your decision to make, or to try to force on me.
I have been coming to AA for almost thirty years, and arguing with everyone. If we do not want people to think we are a cult we should not talk and act like it is a cult. Stay sober somehow.
Bright Blessings to you. Thank you for sharing your story... without drama, just a truthful heart.
my dry date = 8/31/2004
- One day at a time
Good stuff Roger. It's really baffling how anyone could look down on organizations like AA. I'd add the phrase that's always stuck out to me: "The only requirement for being part of alcoholics anonymous is a desire to stop drinking."
As to the personal anonymity question, I don't see how you "coming out" as an alcoholic in any way could hurt AA. This gives people like me a reminder that great things can be done despite my shortcomings. Thank you.
Thank-you for sharing this story with us.
After reading your reviews for films such as "Duane Hopwood", "28 Days", "Trees Lounge" and "When a Man Loves a Woman" I felt that it was a subject matter that had personally affected you as you had an uncanny insight into alcoholism. These reviews served as a great source of understanding the disease for myself.
Congratulations on your 30 years of sobriety!
"I miss the camaraderie." Very interesting observation, as I am preparing my son to go off to a college with a reputation as a "party school." That seems to happen a lot, for many, eh? Alcohol as a drug to serve as social lubricant, but then once people are a little lubricated, it is the camaraderie and conversation, not the drug, that gives that warm pleasant glow. But then the glow fades, the people leave, and we think the drug will provide it when really it is the people with whom we took the drug that we want.
I tried an interesting experiment a few times when I ran social events at our church. I'd purchase non-alcoholic beer as well as regular beer. We'd serve in plastic cups, not bottles, to avoid breakage. Generally, the husbands would come and get a few beers to start, then later on the wives would come over and get the non-alcoholic beers to bring to their husbands. No one ever noticed the difference.
Roger:
A very insightful blog. Do you recall what bartender Howard Da Silva told Brunham, (Ray Milland), who was begging him for a drink? "One's too many and a hundred's not enough."
While I can appreciate your story and sobriety, AA stands for Alcoholics Anonymous. The 11th tradition states "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films."
Long form "Our relations with the general public should be characterized by personal anonymity. We think A.A. ought to avoid sensational advertising. Our names and pictures as A.A. members ought not be broadcast, filmed, or publicly printed. Our public relations should be guided by the principle of attraction rather than promotion. There is never need to praise ourselves. We feel it better to let our friends recommend us."
Roger,
Thanks for your heartwarming blog entry. It brought tears to my eyes for many reasons. I'm Chinese Medicine practitioner whose purpose is to teach Chinese Medicine to the masses. It's an uphill battle.
I was touched by your doctor who spent an hour talking to you. When was the last time you think the masses had a chance to spend an hour talking to their doctor? It's a game rigged against doctors being able to do that even if they'd like too.
Your doctor reminds of a great Chinese Medicine doctor who really understands the person and gives them simple advice instead a bunch of meds like lithium. Spending an hour with a Chinese Medicine practitioner is a common experience for a patient. And sometimes one will get great advice like your doctor gave you. What if your doctor didn't have the time for you and just caved into your request for lithium on that day according to your request. Would you be just switching addicting drugs?
I could go on forever. So I'll control myself.
There is a Chinese Medicine acupuncture treatment that puts needles into the addicts ear for treating the addiction. I treated patients for a semester as part of my school training. While doing this was not my calling, I was told by the people that were getting treated that the treatment made them feel like they did when they were taking their drug of choice. For example, if their mind was racing then during the treatment, and for awhile afterwards, their mind would be calm without the depressing side affects of let's say alcohol.
Everything that happens in my life I see through the prism of Chinese Medicine. It can be a curse when putting in my two-cents about alcohol addiction.
But I had a "funny" alcoholic story to tell so that's why I'm writing here.
My brother was a hard-core alcoholic (maybe they're all hard-core). He was not a "functioning" alcoholic. He could not hold a job. He slept on Chicago park benches on many a night. I marveled that he didn't die of exposure.
One day he asks me to pick him up from detox or maybe it was to drive him to detox. There were many drives. He's on the edge. I'm on edge just seeing him -- not knowing how to help and to what extent to get involved, as it has been going on for years.
I know he feels guilty even asking for a ride and probably money. It was awkward for both of us. There was silence. Then he said, "I came up in detox a top-ten questionnaire of when you know you are REALLY an alcoholic. I knew this was gonna be funny and insightful. We were Irish brothers breaking the ice with some humor. Just the medicine I needed.
He went through the top-ten list and I was crying in laughter. It was one of the funniest things I every heard. It's one of my regrets in my life that I only remember one of them. I might ask him next time I see him as that was many years ago. He (supposedly) has been sober for years and has had a city job for years.
I do remember only one of them. It goes -- "Is your idea of winter footwear -- paper slippers from the hospital?
Do you have any thoughts about groups for the families of alcoholics?My boyfriend's dad and most of that side of the family are alcoholics and I think he should go to one.
Ebert: That program is called Alanon.
"Try finding a smoker's anonymous."
http://www.nicotine-anonymous.org/
Roger, given the subject matter of this essay, I was wondering if you had any thoughts on current governmental policies towards alcohol consumption, specifically as it applies toward young people. As a college student at a large, urban state university, I have had the pleasure of seeing a number of my friends arrested for underage consumption of alcohol, often by poorly disguised undercover officers who strong-arm their way into parties or tailgating events which are fenced off and "private."
Now, there is no question that underage drinkers are breaking the law. However, is it really prudent to attack underage, social alcohol as a hard crime and thus alienate and disillusion young people with the governmental apparatus that they will one day inherit? The "STOP" program run by Ohio State is particularly disturbing ( http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2007/09/05/commis05.ART_ART_09-05-07_B2_RU7QF8S.html?sid=101). Under the program, undercover local and university police patrol the campus area, breaking up parties and arresting students. In a part of town where burglary, rape, and strong-arm robbery are rife, it is disturbing that local government would choose to spend tens of thousands of dollars in a bound-to-fail attempt to quash underage drinking. A party I attended last season was hit by STOP; two unmarked police vans screeched through a back alley, blocking the rear exit to the party as further undercover police stormed up both sides of the house, effectively encircling the gathering. It was like something out of HBO's "The Wire." The proceeded to arrest around 20 people, a number of whom were from out-of-state and who thus would have to return to the campus area to take care of the charges they were facing.
Maybe this subject is too big for a concise answer, and maybe it just doesn't interest you. Yet, given the intensely personal focus that you give your responses to thorny issues facing our society, I thought that I would share that which you envoked in me. Your posts always promote discourse, and here is mine.
I appreciate this story. I am wondering: Is there any way to truly be a functioning "alocholic"; that is, is there anything wrong with drinking more than most people but always avoiding the blunders and blackouts, always knowing when to stop, and always being able to take some days off? I love drinking, and some would say I polish off more than I should (I am almost exclusively a beer drinker). I never take one in the morning, I never miss work for it, I never go bananas, and I never have a problem being drink-free for days at a time. I enjoy knowing that one day, probably the next weekend, I'll be able to pound through six to ten beers in a sitting, keep my wits about me, and wake up and have a normal day. A hangover gets in the way about once out of five or six of these kinds of events, but maybe only once a year does it "ruin" a morning or an afternoon. Is this wrong? I ask earnestly, with the understanding that you're not a physician--just curious about your opinion.
My grandfather was so much the alcoholic that it defined him. He embraced it. "Booze, O Booze, you've been my guest/You've often made me lose my rest/You've often made me wear old clothes/But since you are so near my nose/I'll drink you down, and down she goes." He was also fond of Dorothy Parker's "See the happy moron/He doesn't give a damn/I wish I were a moron/My God, perhaps I am." He lived to be 79, fathered several children, had several wives, broke a lot of hearts, frequented many bars, and did a good deal of time in the drunk tank. Sometimes he was like lovable Uncle Sid in Ah, Wilderness!" but more often when he was fully in his cups he was belligerent--downright nasty.
I'm sorry he never latched onto AA. I doubt if he ever went to a meeting; too stubborn. But I'd love to see a movie from the alternate universe where he was just unstubborn enough to have found and embraced AA. THAT world, I think, is a slightly better place than this one.
I am not an alcoholic, but I believe too that breaking down at some point in your life can be a chance. I suffer from schizophrenia, and when a good friend took me to a hospital two and a half years ago in a severe phase, my whole life was shattered; the only thing I still had left was my job, because when I´m in a stable phase I usually do some good work.
After I left the hospital, I decided to changed my life: Now I care for two lovely cats who live in my flat, I go running every morning for half an hour, and I go to bed earlier ´cause I found out that sleep shouldn´t be underestimated for one´s health. And I´m still stable.
The only thing that bothers me at the moment is that I smoke too much. And because I like cigarettes I think every person can become addicted to something. No one should be ashamed of it.
I have known people who had 'issues' with AA.
Those issues evaporated when they saw friends pull back with its help and when they met others who would be lesser people or dead without it.
For the latter case, your post is very useful.
21yrs in November for me. Quit at 19. If it wasn't for my father quitting himself when I was 12, I would have gone much longer, I'm sure.
Best of luck to you, Roger.
Roger.
May God, as you understand Him, bless you for telling your compelling story with your usual grace and wit.
And we all need Grace.
I'm sure that you've helped someone reading this. I don't have this particular problem (and yes, there but for the Grace of God go I). But most of us struggle with something, and I imagine you've helped people with those problems as well. There's a lot of very human stuff to think about here.
Randy
Nice job. Fair and accurate. Just like your reviews I search for in IMDB. Had the pleasure of going to the Mustard Seed during a trip a few years ago - it helped me. Congrats on 30 years. I think your expression can be trusted not to violate the anonymity tradition. Good to hear you.
Please...Rogert Ebert is pompous,overblown and overated.Who cares about his struggles.There's literally thousands of people who have succssfully beat drug and/or alcohol addiction and their stories never make the papers.They just get up everyday and go to work or carry on as best they can.Ebert is seeking admiration and accolades for his problems,only because he is prominent and a celeb...big deal!Hey Ebert....stick to your overblown and useless movie criticism.Leave the real world to the everyday folk.
Congratulations on thirty years (unimaginable to me, but so was one year two July's ago). I was wondering when this essay would appear, as I have enjoyed glimpses of your insight and knowledge of the alcoholic mind. It arrives just as I expected it--thoughtful, powerful, humble. I applaud your decision to write it as the Twelfth Step can be elusive to those who drink in isolation, as I did; this will find many lost in that void.
When you reviewed "Sideways" I smiled at your observation: "No wonder his unpublished novel is titled The Day After Yesterday; for anyone who drinks a lot, that's what today always feels like." I felt a chill when you described "fighting it out with Suttree" in your hospital bed, and was compelled to do the same with MacCarthy's novel this summer.
It is no wonder alcoholics are uniquely qualified to reach other alcoholics. After many discussions with many concerned people over the years, the woman who finally made a dent with me did not confront me. She simply talked about herself. Only later did I realize she was also talking about me. I am reminded of James Woods (portraying Bill W.) saying to James Garner (Dr. Bob) in "My name is Bill W.": "I don't think you understand. I didn't come here to help you. I came here to help me."
Thanks, Roger
Thanks, Roger, for the accurate review of AA...I recently celebrated 33 years of sobriety by going to a meeting everyday,and still do!
Last Friday, I happened to go to 3.....I love AA for the reasons you mentioned and my life as a 63 yr old widow living in the city of SF is fabulous because of sobriety in AA....
God Bless you.
Thank you, Roger, I knew there was something I liked about you.
I know your article will help people and that is the spirit of AA.
Reading stories like yours has been an important part of my recovery -- I have almost three years now. Your article now joins my own personal library of sobriety. Again, thank you.
Wow, thirty years since your last drink; that's truly amazing!
I know what's it like to be addicted to something, someone,
somewhere or anything in that matter, it could get a hold on
your life, then it becomes a life on it's own; losing it means
losing a part of ones life, I'm not much of a drinker, this is
going to sound corny; my addiction is acting and H2O, those are
the only two that stick out from me, I drink two to three
gallons of water each day; if I could eat that much in contrast,
I'd probable weight four hundred pounds.
Nice choice of videos:
-The Lost Weekend, -Days of Wine and Roses, -Clean and Sober.
No -Under the Volcano or -Leaving Las Vegas; the greatest very
independent film on drinking and acting (on it) in the nineties!
Alcoholism runs in my father's family. In our branch, thankfully, it did not go beyond him. Dad was a "functioning" alcoholic. He never drank during work hours, reserving it for after he got home. The rationalization in our house was essentially that it didn't matter, because he was still a good and responsible provider ... a line I bought into. (I learned many years later about the effects of living in an alcoholic home.)
My father stopped drinking shortly before I turned 15, and was sober for 26 years, thanks to AA (he died several years ago - unrelated to drinking). I observed his recovery journey over the years, and saw how AA helped him to become *himself.* He grew from a distant, uninvolved, terribly unhappy person into a joyous, loving, humble, generous man who never stopped learning, and never stopped growing. It wasn't a quick or an easy journey, but he took it, quietly working the program and living its principles for the rest of his life.
Some months ago I had the opportunity to attend a couple of open meetings with a friend who has also been successful in the program. It was like a capstone to the journey, allowing me insight into the community that helped my father, and by extension, my family. My gratitude to my father for all of his work, for the chance to see the whole evolving arc of his recovery, and to AA for providing the path and the support, is enormous and ongoing. He is still my example in many ways, mostly on the possibility of becoming one's true self.
Congratulations on your own journey, Roger. And thank you for sharing a part of it.
Thanks for this, Roger. I'm nearing my 40th birthday and just passed a kidney stone early yesterday morning (an experience I strongly recommend against). The ER physician looked over my blood and urine test results and told me my liver enzymes were a little elevated. He recommended moderating my drinking. I didn't like hearing that at all. I normally have three drinks a night and now I think I probably shouldn't. I didn't drink yesterday. I don't feel like drinking today. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.......
Roger,
Thank you so much for this essay. In 2004, I returned from being an LDS missionary for 2 years to find my best friend inactive in the LDS church and as well as an alcoholic.
I didn't know how in depth his problem was until he wrecked his car while drunk. Then, on his own, he wandered into an A.A. meeting across the street from his apartment. A.A. changed his life. He's been sober for over 3 years now and actually leaves tomorrow to serve his own 2 year mission in California.
He's always said that A.A. was inspired and I agree with him. It saved my best friend. Thank you for affirming the usefulness of A.A.
Also, have you ever thought of compiling together some of your blog essays into a book? You could add some of the (better) comments of your readers too. I would buy it.
Thanks again for your posts.
Fascinating reading. I always wondered about the inner working of an AA meeting. I became drunk to unconsciousness twice in my life: the first time I didn't know my limit, and the second time I knew it but kept on going. I stopped after that (I missed my first day of college because of the hangover the second time). Now I only drink a glass of wine now and then. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Roger,
You're my favorite writer in Chicago journalism, and I've worked in the profession here for 24 years - the last four-plus in sobriety. However, I must agree with Friend of Bill. At one of my meetings, an old-timer frequently suggests this: "Read the lines that are black, not the ones in between."
Thanks for sharing your story. It's that moment alone that strikes me as essential, your decision to "wait"--and not drink while waiting. The cliché that you have to quit for yourself is true--and the hell of it is, at the start you also have to do it by yourself. Forgive the weak comparison, but I smoked a pack of Marlboros a day for twenty years--until I stood there in the kitchen, a week from Thanksgiving, with a terrible chest cold and a snowstorm outside--and there I was, pulling on my parka to go buy cigarettes. Well, I stopped, and decided to wait--first until the cold got better, then until the New Year. And I haven't smoked since.
Unfortunately, unlike you, at times I still want to smoke, after all these years. Then again, I also want to kiss every pretty girl I see; but I resist both urges. Sober minds prevail!
Hi Roger,
Thanks for sharing. I don’t blame you for outing yourself. We’re anonymous in the rooms, but we’re drunks everywhere. We should do anything it takes to let people know AA is there.
I have been sober for 23 years, and like you I lost the urge to drink after my first meeting. The thing is, there are people who have been sober longer than me who still struggle. They fight the urge to drink every day. Why do you think that is? I’ve been mulling that one for a long time, and I still can’t figure it out.
I thank my higher power every day I'm sober. I’m one of the luckiest guys in the world, and I'm nothing special. Anybody can get sober. Anybody.
Mr Ebert i'm glad that you decided to share your story with the world. Being a sober member of society I know what a struggle it can be but also know the infinite rewards. The only comment I wish to leave is that I am sorely disappointed by the fact that this piece is in direct conflict with the traditions. You have seemingly put a face on our anonymous "organization" which goes against our tradition of personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. I believe that you could have written your story publicly without bringing A.A. to the center of attention. Our program is based on attraction rather than promotion and I'm sure it's not hard for you to understand that being a person of strong influence people would choose to not give A.A. a chance simply because they have a distaste for your movie reviews. Please take my comments into consideration before deciding to publicly break your anonymity anymore.
-Best Regards,
SoberAlcoholic
I lived in Chicago for many years, and I even saw you around town a couple of times. I never wanted to approach you because you were with your wife, enjoying each other's company and conversation, and I didn't want to intrude. So I'll tell you here that I sincerely find a lot of meaning your blog posts. They're thoughtful, nuanced, honest, and well-written — something missing from most of what I read in newspapers and online. You also responded to an e-mail I wrote to you probably 10 years ago, and I have always remembered and appreciated how you took the time to respond to a college student.
This piece struck close to home because my father is also an alcoholic. He hasn't had a drink in more than 15 years, but I teared up while reading your writing. He never went to AA — just stopped drinking one day, that was that — but I imagine AA would have been helpful to him. Now in his late 70s and living in a nursing home, I can tell that he regrets the years and memories lost to booze. It's so painful, in fact, that he doesn't like to talk about it. That's understandable, but I hate to think of how alone he must have felt (and still may feel) from time to time. I am going home to visit him this weekend and will be thinking about your piece as I do so.
"Smoking, food addiction, porn addiction, gambler's addiction all require that same awareness, symbiosis, human relateness that is inherent in AA. Try finding a smoker's anonymous."
There are actually 12-step programs for all of those issues: Gambler's Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous. They all have websites that will help you find meetings. For example: www.nicotine-anonymous.org/
We do have traditions, but remember---there are no rules in AA. I feel very strongly that it's between someone and their higher power to disclose their membership in AA. Personally, I feel good knowing someone whose writing I've grown up reading is sober and in AA. I love AA.
Congrats on your 30 years. As the wife of active AA member, I can confidently say your sobriety is a priceless gift that gives each day to those who love and care for you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Congratulations. I haven't met many who have made it 30 years. I don't know if they drop out or just quit coming to meetings. Either way, it's a shame.
I remember thinking that those with 30 years were the REAL wise men of AA. I received my 30-year chip last December, and now I'm not so sure.
My favorite line from your essay: "It was the best thing that ever happened to me." That is the truest thing ever written about AA.
In decades as a biographer and magazine profile writer I have written about many subjects--Eppie Lederer (Ann Landers), Irv Kupcinet, Rod Blagojevich, etc. and, most enjoyably, Roger Ebert (for the December 2005 issue of Chicago magazine.)
Here's the link:
http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/December-2005/A-Life-in-the-Movies/
I interviewed scores of people for this piece, some going back to his high school days in Urbana, not to mention his years at my alma mater too, the University of Illinois.
And I covered his days of prodigious drinking, interviewing as I went many of his companions at his favorite bars in Old Town, O'Rourke's and the Old Town Ale House.
Here's one paragraph from an interview with one of Ebert's many friends about an AA meeting at Old Town's St. Michael's Church:
"One woman, who casually dated Ebert, encountered him at an AA meeting the first week of his sobriety. It was a hot day; the door was open, and she glanced out at a Sun-Times delivery truck that had Ebert's picture plastered on its side and realized that the man in the row in front of her was a cohost of the television show about movies then distributed nationally by the Public Broadcasting Service."
Congratulations, Roger, for taking such a long, strange trip with such grace and dignity.
I am not a drinker, I can't stand the taste of alcohol. Some genetic quirk, I guess. But I've always been drawn to stories of exhaustion and redemption. One of the best I've read is Drinking: A Love Story, by the late Caroline Knapp. She captures the way alcohol wends itself into a life until it seems as inevitable as air, natural as water, as much a part of a day as brushing your teeth. She was one of those "boring" drunks-never got fired, arrested, all the drama that puts a person's drinking in the community's lap and leads to Judge-Sentenced AA. All her drama was quiet, silent even, as the alcohol boosted everything she hated about herself into the forefront of her life using promises that it would make them go away. I know you dislike book recommendations, but I can't help it, it's a truly exceptional work.
I've never met you in person, but I'm so proud of you. Good job with your life. A very good job.
Dear Mr. Ebert,
Thank you very much for your heartfelt and eye-opening post on your experience with alcoholism. I don't recall ever going to a movie w/out first checking your recommendation, but I see that your experience ranges across much more then cinema.
I was especially touched by your remarks on willpower. My own "mental disease" has been depression, for which I've resisted treatment and kept hidden for over eight years. I suspect the experience is alike; a growing loss of control over one's life, a questioning of self, and ultimately, a disease of will.
Thanks Mr. Ebert - if a man as respected as yourself can have such a problem, then my depression should not be such a source of shame. I intend to get into treatment, and hope that my own experience with A.A.'s analogue will be as valuable as your own.
Man, Roger, you are hitting the heavies this week.
My father got sober, helped by AA, as you have been, about three years before he died. I can never express enough gratitude for having had those precious three years, where he actually saw me, heard me, and I believed that he loved me.
Thanks for the tribute.
Thank you, Roger, for this piece. You may have broken the Silence, but perhaps your "outing" will encourage someone else to break the cycle.
I can't tell you the last time I had a drink. I know it's been longer than 10 years. And even then, I didn't drink to get drunk. I had one at a club and that was enough.
The reason I don't like to drink is that alcohol is a depressant. In my case, they mean it. I get depressed and start thinking about things that happened 20 years ago. I'm also a mean drunk. Not throwing my fists around, but rather my mouth engages before my brain does. I don't like myself when I'm that way, so I choose not to indulge.
Besides, I've always regarded alcohol as a non-productive expense. People ask me how I managed to collect so many DVDs and CDs; my answer is always the same: I don't drink or smoke. I spend my money on something that I can keep after I've used it.
My father is an alcoholic. He's cut down over the past few years, but I've saw him come home from work and fix himself a gin and tonic almost every day while I was growing up. When I go to visit him now, he's still doing the same. I've even witnessed him telling his patients (he's a doctor) to stop drinking and smoking. He then go fix his pipe and his GT.
Thankfully, he's stopped smoking. And I've made it clear that while he's free to drink what he likes; one drunken incident around my 3-year-old daughter and he doesn't get to see her any more. Perhaps I wouldn't be that harsh in practice, but I damn sure wouldn't let her stay over at his house while myself or my wife were not present. My mother backs me in this, 100 percent.
I wish I could get him to go to an AA meeting. I've never been to AA, but I've been to Overeaters Anonymous (OA) before, so I know what goes on there. I know that he's got to make the decision, and even the suggestion would probably turn him away from it, just out of refusal to admit he has a problem.
I wonder if this is one of the reasons why you appreciate the novel Suttree so much? McCarthy certainly knows how to weave a drunkalog into his novels.
Alcoholism frightens me. It's gripped my father (who was in AA but relapsed) and my aunt (who denies that she has a problem). I don't know how to help them. The idea of an intervention is gut-wrenching, but I don't know what else there is to do. Not to mention all the other stuff going on in my family right now that complicates doing anything.
Craig Ferguson gave a monologue on going sober. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA
Paul: Part of the problem with Alcoholics Anonymous today is that many people were introduced to this program via court-ordered intervention (due to alcohol-related arrests).
I think AA is fine as a voluntary program. It is designed for, and I'm sure works well for, certain type of people.
As a court-ordered mandate, I cannot see it working well. To me, AA is designed for the person who voluntarily wants to give up drinking, not someone who is forced into the situation kicking and screaming. I also don't think everyone will work well with the group therapy aspect and "higher power" approach. Alcohol addiction cannot be treated by a single therapy alone.
AA is noted these days for a high attrition rate and has a lot of "cult" criticisms leveled at it. Both I feel may have arisen due to courts using AA as a crutch. It's easy to see something like AA as a cult when you *are* forced into it.
Ebert: I agree.
Roger,
I've long suspected, from reading between the lines in some of your reviews, that you were a recovered alcoholic. Glad you got better.
Craig Ferguson did a great monologue about how he came to be cured of his alcoholism, and what it means to be an alcoholic. It's a pretty popular video on youtube ("Ferguson Speaks From The Heart"), and I think adds to this discussion.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA&feature=fvst
Roger,
You are a national treasure. For years, and with several failed interventions, some of us have been trying to get a friend to stop drinking. None of us knew anything about AA and couldn't contradict her assertion that "it was a place for drunks and losers."
I'm going to forward her your post.
From your tale, it seems AA's success has been to provide a place of comaraderie, neighborhood and friendship that ISN'T the local bar.
I have always liked you, sir, and have always respected you, and enjoyed your movie writing. But from where this (15 years sober) reader sits, this might be the most important piece you've ever published. Good for you. 11th tradition is poison.
Ebert: I agree with it. I felt I had sufficient personal reasons in my particular case.
Thanks, Roger. Many of family are members of the club and it has saved many lives.
Thanks Roger, a really accurate description of how AA works, that will no doubt help many people who need to be helped. I celebrated my one-year cake last night, and know that AA is the reason I am happy and sober this morning.
Take care on the journey.
Roger,
Congratulations on your incredible achievement, from a life-long fan of your writing. Please continue to write about anything that comes to mind, outside movies. Your political essays of late have been masterful as well. Ideas in this country seem to succeed only as well as they are expressed. As you face your personal challenges, please know--we need your 'voice' now more than ever.
Gary
There is no unwritten exception to the 11th tradition that says you can break your anonymity at the level of press if you are certain you won't drink again. I don't deny that your column will be helpful to many, but you should have sought permission from AA before printing it (and you would not have received that permission).
Thank you for sharing that. The program (AA) literally saved the life of two of my family members. I vividly remember the cathartic moment I witnessed on the steps of my home when I was 13 years old. That was 29 years ago for me.
I remember seeing "The Hustler" the first time as a teen and cringing at Piper Laurie's performance as "Sarah Packard." Too realistic for me then. Now I watch it and marvel. I'll be ready to celebrate 30 years with my family member next year. Maybe we'll drop in "The Hustler" dvd, because now we can both actually enjoy watching it together.
By Friend of Bill on August 25, 2009 12:26 PM
Tradition 11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need ALWAYS maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.
It seems to me that the anonymity tradition is a very important part of AA. But the emphasis is, in my opinion, towards the mass media, advertising and self promotion. In this case, I feel that you are talking to many friends who have grown to know you over many years. You just happen to use a means that makes it easier for others, who are not your friends, to know as well. When you talk to friends, personally one at a time, there is still the risk that the information will spread if some of your friends are not as worthy as they should be.
It is for this blog, and the last couple of blogs as well as the lighter stories that you bring to our attention, that makes your blog the best on the interweb.
Thank you
Dale
Do you think alcoholism is a disease?
Ebert: Yes. One you can choose to be cured of.
Dear Roger,
Congrats on your 30 years! I love reading your column. I don't have much to add, but please please please see Louis Malle's "The Fire Within" (Le feu follet) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057058/
I have watched it about 5 times on the advice of a friend who claimed it made "Days of Wine and Roses" and "The Lost Weekend" look like cartoons parodying alcoholism. How right he was. I am about to check myself in and stop drinking because of it.
I really think it deserves a place on your list. I can't recommend it enough. Malle is truly one of cinema's underrated directors.
Best regards,
Hi Roger,
I have to admit to being one of those people who has reservations about the religious language used by A.A., although I'm definitely not in the camp that would call it a cult or forced indoctrination or anything like that.
While I'm very glad it helped you, and I'm sure it's helped many, many other people over the years, I wonder if it might not have helped even more people without the religious phrasing. I know it doesn't attempt to define "God" explicitly, and in fact goes out of its way to avoid doing so, but the very word has unavoidable religious connotations.
My concern is that people who are not religious, or at least not Christians, might worry that they wouldn't be welcome at meetings. You say that's not the case and I believe you, but, sad to say, it's not unreasonable for religious minorities in America to have those concerns.
The "higher power" part I totally get, but do you think the use of the G-word is essential to the helpfulness of the program? Would more neutral phrasing make it less effective?
Hi, Roger, nice job breaking the 11th tradition! I wonder how much ad revenue Chicago Sun-Times is getting from your journal about AA today!
Are you a writer before you're a critic or a critic before you're a writer? Incidentally, I (hopefully) took my last drink 24 days ago. I haven't been sober for more than 10 days over he last 4 years so I kind of know where you're coming from. You can find a genial sense of communion at A.A. meetings, but they're not for me. My problem is I like Bukowski too much...
The traditions exist for a very specific purpose, and this is a flagrant violation of the 11th tradition! Clearly you do not respect them, and that makes me VERY VERY sad.
I wish you the best in your recovery, but I wish you could have found a different way to carry the message.
Addressing the "cult" issue in my own way:
I am a recovering alcoholic who is one of the lucky few; I never liked AA but fortunately, I was able to beat the demon on my own.
The problem I had the 3 or 4 times I went to AA was that a lot of attendees had seemingly become co-dependent on Christ. I saw these people as robots-- almost zombies-- who were fooling themselves.
Okay, they weren't drinking--anything is better than death-- but they were using faith as a substitute; it seemed to be just another drug instead of being a higher power.
I know what Step 3 says and I understand that everyone has to approach this differently; but there is one word of caution I feel I must offer to anyone reading.
If at all possible: attend your first meeting at a neutral site. I recommend you avoid meetings at any church but especially your own denomination. For many, religion carries it's own baggage along.
I truly wish you all the best.
Thanks for writing this. Its a great essay on AA.
I think the best portrayal of alcoholism on screen is by Susan Tyrell in "Fat City". Absolutely real.
Congratulations on your 30 years of sobriety, Roger, and good luck to all who seek a sober lifestyle. I think that the "Power greater than ourselves", is the power of AA's collective participants.
Roger, you have touched a multitude with your openness and honesty. This is the greatest review that you have ever written!
My father recently passed away at a fairly young age after a twenty-year battle with substance abuse problems (namely alcohol). The issue? He was always, as you say 'dry drunk'. Even when he went sober for a period of years, there was always the chance that he could break down, because AA meeting never entered his process of sobriety. As a result, he relapsed and died.
When I miss out on opportunities for a sort of excitement because I don't drink, I remember how it ruined my father, and I am proud to stand by my choice. It was so reassuring to read an essay that acted as a proponent of AA while noting your relief that alcohol is no longer part of your life. Too often, I hear people describe "how fun it was" when they drank, and how the days of wine and roses are missed. There is no danger in moderation, but once it crosses into addiction, it is very good to know that there is a helpful program and a true genius in film using it to full benefit. This essay made my day.
I appreciate your intentions Mr. Ebert, but we should try to remember that Bill W and the other founders felt it necessary to keep this fellowship and program anonymous. Please refer to the twelve traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.
All the best,
Jason
Congrats on 30 years. I've enjoyed a few meetings at the Mustard seed, but I might mention that not all meetings are like Chicago meetings. There are speaker meetings where no one but the speaker (or two speakers) says a word. I've heard that in California they do all kinds of crazy things, including clapping at every instant imaginable. There are many other variations.
I also want to second the comment about Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. In my opinion the entire (long) book is worth the effort and the sections on addiction and alcoholism are brilliant. The Boston AA depicted is another example of a different approach to AA meetings.
I've found the best way to quit drinking is to never start. I'm not tooting my own horn, I just never had social connections that involved alcohol and drinking alone always seemed like a bad idea. When I finally came of age to drink legally, the reasons not to were all too obvious - it's expensive, time consuming, and it doesn't make you feel good. I've suffered listening to too many meandering drunks to ever consider taking myself to that same place. These conclusion came without any higher power, other than realizing that drugs do not allow people to make personal choices for themselves.
I like how your piece demonstrated that the main purpose of AA is to provide a social environment in the absence of alcohol. It's something to do to unwind and meet people. Before, it was just a mystery to me what they did there.
I just celebrated 25 years of sobriety -- I am not religious. This program saved my life. When people ask me what my higher power was , I merely reply 'Not me'. Congrats Roger-- you're one of the finest people I've known. Keep coming back.
I've never touched a drop of alcohol in my life. I've seen the damage it can do from both sides of my family, including my father and mother. My mother died two years ago at 52 of alcoholism.
I can't remember to have ever seen her sober. Just varying levels of drunkeness. Ranging from clear thinking to barely able to walk. I remember how one day my grandmother was coming. My mother was sneaking off in the cellar to have a drink. My grandmother gave her a reprimande and that's how I found out that my mother was an alcoholic. I must have been around 9 years. From then on, I could hear the soft opening of alcohol bottles or cans. I knew she was drinking but what could I do about it? How do you deal with people who are alcholics and you have to live with them? Is there any group to help the family of alcholics?
Congrats on your 30 years of soberness. You must have made a lot of other people happy by stopping with drinking.
Thank you for sharing your weaknesses. That is one of your strengths.
Roger,
Long history of alcoholism in my family. My father passed away prematurely from it.
I had been a moderate (sometimes not so moderate) drinker for years. When I reached my 30's without really developing a problem I figured alcoholism had skipped me (when my father had gone to AA in the 80's my younger sister and I were told alcoholism skips a generation), but during the last couple of years my daily consumption steadily increased to the point where I've been drunk for most of the last year or so.
I don't know why exactly the problem developed in earnest, but there you go. After a number of, well, moments, I quit. I've been sober for literally 17 hours now and wanted to thank you for this post as I have bookmarked it to read when needed as one way to help keep myself off. My father was sober for over a decade until he relapsed and drank until the end, so I feel it's going to be difficult.
Having gone through the "kid" AA meetings back then I remember how much they stressed the anonymity part. Thank you for effin' it and sharing anyway. It as helped me.
I was just telling my wife that you are one of the people we really need and there won't be another. I am a recovering alcoholic and AA is the stuff. I have tons to say but I will end with thanks for the humility,thanks for loving art,and thanks for being there my whole life in print .I knew you were one of us.
Tom braam
Roger, I was touched today when I read your blog, I am a compulsive gambler who has failed a few times in trying to stop, but have been successful since July of 09. I shared your blog with my wife and it brought me to tears when she said this "This is a sign. that is a message from God, there are NO Accidents." She has been a victim of my compulsions going on 12 years now and its taken me a long time to really want to follow the program of AA, (we use AA as our guide in GA with next to no differences) and it wasn't a moment too soon, i was truly headed for one of either prison, insanity or death. What struck me MOST about your article was the identical feelings i've had of late, its perfectly written here
One day, after a month of sobriety, I went to see him because I feared I had grown too elated, even giddy, with the realization that I need not drink again. "Maybe I'm manic-depressive," I told him. "Maybe I need lithium."
"Alcohol is a depressant," he told me. "When you hold the balloon under the water and suddenly release it, it is eager to pop up quickly." I nodded. "Yes," I said, "but I'm too excited. I wake up too early. I'm in constant motion. I'd give anything just to feel a little bored."
I've also had trouble waking up too early and that maybe I too am a manic depressive, you're article cleared that up for me!
Thank you so much for sharing, and BTW, The 11th tradition didn't have the internet in mind when it was written!
Mr. Ebert,
Your story is indeed a wonderful one. I enjoyed what you shared and it seems as though others did too.
Yet, there is one part that I take issue with. I disagree with how much *specific* information you have shared to the public. I believe that how we live the 11th and 12th traditions is up to each of us individually. However, insomuch as our public actions divulge the specifics of meeting locations, meeting names and (loosely) times in public fora, I disagree with the liberty that you have taken in this article. Some of us may be more comfortable sharing information in public than others. I also think it very important to keep in mind that our decisions relating to our own anonymity may also have serious impact to others of our group.
This is a saying that I have come to appreciate more and more:
"What you hear here,
Who you see here,
Let it stay here."
While it does not specifically address my objections, for me, it captures the spirit of anonymity nicely.
As another tradition suggests, I speak for myself only and not on behalf of AA in general or any other person in particular.
Congratulations on your anniversary and best wishes as you continue to trudge the road of happy destiny.
/JK
I'm curious about how your friends and drinking buddies reacted to your sudden sobriety. Some must have been astonished and disbelieving. Did you have a hard time convincing them that you were serious? Did you avoid your favorite watering holes?
I stopped smoking pot about 25 years ago and for me the hardest part at the beginning was the constant "no thanks" when someone passed a joint around.
A wonderful piece as always Roger. Your work as an essayist is fast approachinig your epic stature as a film critic.
I was wondering, since I know you are a prolific reader, if you have read any of the superb Matt Scudder crime fiction novels from Lawrence Block? Those novels (especially the early ones) describe the constant struggle an alcoholic has to stay sober in great, sometimes heartwrenching, detail.
Thank you again, your blog is a daily must stop for me on the internet superhighway.
Mr. Ebert, after reading this entry I went back and read some of your reviews about movies that feature alcoholics. Do you think your experiences have affected the way you review and look at movies about alcoholics? Do you think an alcoholic looks at Barfly, Arthur, and others in a very different way than someone who isn't?
I suppose this question cold be about any major life experience. I'm sure someone who has lost a great friend would view "Last Orders" differently than someone who hasn't. Having known a number of alcoholics it seems to me that the experience of recovery is intensely personal, more so than most other life experiences, that only a person who has gone through it could begin to understand it. It's not universal.
Thank you for sharing and congratulations on 30 years of sobriety. I have 18-1/2 years and am eternally grateful to AA for being there. I now know where your deep compassion, insight and humanity comes from.
Roger, God bless you for your story! My husband has been clean and sober for sometime now. We lost a lot because of his drinking,but what we found was so much more. Life is very good lately. For those who are out there considering taking this step,go for it! It's not weak to ask for help,it takes strength and courage to admit you can't do it alone. The help is there,reach out and take it.
I am glad that you shared this I and glad that you have been sober for 30 years. I am bipolar, but have been sober for 22 years. I took the quiz as I would have answered it 22 years ago. 8 out 12.
Mr. Ebert,
I'm glad you were able to conquer your drinking problem because I readily enjoy reading your reviews and musings even if I don't always agree with them. I have always been an inquiring individual and studied philosophy in college, so I always wondered about the AA steps that mention a higher power. You seem to sort of dismiss the importance of these steps in terms of the words they use, but I think they hold a lot of philosophical gravity that I would never be able to ignore. Even though I am not an alcoholic, don't know any alcoholics, and have never been to an AA meeting, I wonder whether this role of the higher power may actually hinder recovery. It seems to me that when you give yourself, and your power, up to something greater, you absolve yourself from both responsibility and the strength to better yourself. Your life is now in the hands of "something greater" so you basically resign to doing as you think you are being told or shifting all responsibility to someone/something else. I think it would be a lot more powerful if you found that higher power in yourself. You have the power to take yourself to the bottom, therefore you have the power to bring yourself up. You are not weak because you're an alcoholic, you are weak because you do not realize it was you, your power that took you there and you can raise yourself above it. I hope this makes some sense, it's not very often that I get to share my philosophical musings with others--perhaps you will even find this a bit entertaining. Hope you're doing alright.
I was particularly moved by your references to the policeman and the sleigh drivers who guided the drunks to an AA meeting when they needed it most. I consider them angels working miracles, and life wouldn't be as good without these kind of people in the world.
Congratulations, Roger. It was April 24th of 1979 that I finally woke up so we share the 30 year milestone. As an English teacher I have revelled in the accidental irony of downing my last can of Schlitz on Shakespeare's birthday: "O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance revel and applause, transform ourselves into beasts!"
So I walked in off the street, did what I was told and my life opened up in ways I never dreamed possible.
I, too, was jolted when I saw your name in print and the open admission of your affiliation with AA, something I have so far avoided at this level (mass media). However, let's remember, that tradition was adopted before anybody had been sober thirty years and perhaps when people like us reach a certain age and longevity that caveat is a bit less absolute.
In any case, Roger, it has been my experience that any time we can help somebody else out of the hell we knew so vividly lo those many years ago, it's wonderful. If your story can help somebody else find the way home, then by Jesus, let's not quibble.
I am a lifelong non-drinker; as such, I've had occasion to be company to friends in less fortunate shape. Sometime around 1981 I learned to love AA. There is no better laughter than the laughter at an AA meeting (at least, the open ones I've attended; I've always imagined the laughter is better at the closed ones). My challenge to critics is always to come up with a better idea.
wg
The biggest problem with AA (and related 12-step programs) isn't intrinsic, but cultural: it has become the entrenched standard for addiction treatment and has crowded out all other alternatives.
This is of particular interest within the context of the criminal justice system. As driving under the influence has become (rightly) increasingly criminalized, ever-greater numbers of people have been sentenced or otherwise forced to participate in 12-step programs against their will. This is problematic because program success is deeply dependent upon an honest willingness to work it and there is very little evidence that it is effective for the vast numbers of those who are forced. In many states, within the addiction rehabilitation programs of the criminal justice system, there are no alternatives to 12-step programs and it is politically risky for counselors and administrators to suggest that there should be.
I've no personal axe to grind on the 12-step programs, for or against. I'm not an addict myself, but I've known several addicts and drug and alcohol abuse counselors. I've seen the program work, and I've seen it fail. Nevertheless, while the success rate is as good as any other, or better, it's still not that great. It's unlikely that the program would work for every kind of addict and serious and on-going consideration should be given to alternatives. And there especially should be given a lot of critical thought given to the issue of sentencing offenders to participate in 12-step programs.
Ebert: I agree. The meetings work if you walk yourself through the door.
Roger, I grew up with my dad, watching you review movies we rarely saw. You're a very iconic and memorable part of my childhood. So is my dads drinking. What you have written hits very close to home, and is so appreciated. Thank you.
@Michael M.
Emotions Anonymous covers "problems as diverse as depression, anger, broken or strained relationships, grief, anxiety, low self-esteem, panic, abnormal fears, resentment, jealousy, guilt, despair, fatigue, tension, boredom, loneliness, withdrawal, obsessive and negative thinking, worry, compulsive behavior and a variety of other emotional issues."
Great Post, Mr. Ebert. You are a national treasure!
Thanks for sharing, man. Beautiful stuff.
AA is obviously not a religion, cult, etc... It's a fraternity, no? It's what religions and cults (and, well, fraternities) often pretend to be, except that they get slowed down in overhead.
Omer M
Dang! You beat me by a year... this is my 29th. Sometimes I wonder, "Boy, where would I be today if I had never started drinking?" But then I think, "I KNOW where I'd be if I hadn't found AA!... Dead or deathly ill!" Anyway, I am happy with my quiet life and AA helped me find it and accept it.
That was beautifully written, and filled with the human decency that I have experienced in Al-Anon and ACA rooms across America.
I'm always sad to see the AA bashing, especially the cult label. But it's easy to slam what you don't understand, and when you are pointing with one finger there are three pointing back at you.
Roger,
Well done. A little wandery there at the beginning, confusing with the timeline. But in the end; well written. And remember, God exists because you can't always tell people to "just let go" of the things that have shaped and defined their existence without a more compelling reason. It's hard for most people to have faith.
Excellent post, thank you. I am sober for 18 days and the boost was really helpful. I'm sure tradition 11 is based on some experience, but dogma sucks.
Thanks again
Namaste,
This explains a lot. When I started catching on to your film reviews, I found your insights on alcoholism and addiction in several of your reviews almost way too perceptive and detailed (not just for a film critic, but for anybody). It's a blessing that you've been able to fight the urge so to speak. More power to you in that aspect.
I can't find AA in the phone book for the Orland Park area. How do I find the nearest meeting? Call the hospital? Your blog got me thinking to change my life. I cried...
Ebert: There are eight every week in Orland Park.
Look here: http://www.chicagoaa.org/meetings/
Thanks, Roger. When I was 13 or so, my parents gave me a copy of your Movie Home Companion for Christmas. Thereafter the book was never far from me. When I was in college, and the profs liked how I wrote, occasionally they'd ask who taught me, and I'd tell them, "Roger Ebert and Albert Camus." I haven't read much Camus in years, but I've been reading you all along.
I'm now 34 years old and am almost 16 months sober, via AA. It was a long struggle for me-- my first AA meeting was in college-- but I'm experiencing a new freedom these days. All I would add to your testimony is a lesson learned from my own experience: Keep Coming Back is not just a dumb slogan; there's a whole yawning chasm of import behind it for me, and for countless others who didn't get it the first time. If there are any out there reading this who have tried to stop and had trouble, I just want to say: you're okay, and you'll be okay. Just keep coming back.
"What has been America's most nurturing contribution to the culture of this planet so far? Many would say Jazz. I, who love jazz, will say this instead: Alcoholics Anonymous."
--Kurt Vonnegut
Mr. Ebert, I am glad that you have found AA helpful and that with the support of the rooms you have maintained 30 years of sobriety. But once again, I am disheartened to read of someone achieving sobriety through AA who disingenuously slights those of us who have achieved sobriety WITHOUT AA.
Contrary to what AA says, it can be done.
I am puzzled by the evidence you present, information I have seen shows that AA's own statistics on sobriety success rates are nowhere near 36% and are in fact quite low. Furthermore, AA has not altered their method since Bill W. and Dr. Bob's time, I have news for you, what medical science knows about addiction has increased since those days.
Let me ask you a very blunt and possibly harsh question, would you have fared as well with your cancer treatment had the doctors only used the techniques they used in the early 1930"s? I doubt it. Why do you think it is any different for treating addiction?
My drinking became a real problem and I went into AA. Nearly a decade of the absolute worst years of my life were spent in AA. My problems were not “spiritual”. I had not lost my way or suffered from too much pride. I had definable psychological diagnosis that was exacerbated by alcohol addiction. Only when I started dealing with the real problems did my alcohol dependency stop.
There is nothing in the AA program that ever helped me. In fact, I have been told many, many times at AA meetings (and the coffee klatches after) that even if I never drink again, I would never be really "sober" unless I followed the 12 Steps and I have been to hundreds and hundreds of meetings on two continents and a dozen different countries and states.
I certainly didn't want the sobriety I saw at most AA meetings, although lots of the people are nice.
Turning things over to God as you understand him is a total cop out and merely shifting the blame, but if you say it works for you I won't argue, but I'm willing to take responsibility for myself.
I am sober many years now and I maintain it by treating my depression properly and by taking a true wonder drug, naltrexone (which is frowned on by AA). But this drug posts a success rate helping addicts way better than anything AA can show.
Take it from me, if you have a drug or alcohol problem; ask your doctor about naltrexone or the generic version reviva (sic).
Isn't it time addiction treatment got moved into the proper century? You can still go to AA meetings. I do believe that a support system of other alcoholics is very helpful, but get the proper help you need from real professionals, not lay people with agendas.
Ebert: Whatever works for you.
Did you look at my link about recovery statistics?
I hope that saying this doesn't come across as bragging.
As a kid, I tried sneaking sips of my dad's beer a few times. I wondered what the big deal was.
As a teenager (or slightly older) I was offered a sip of harder stuff (brandy, if memory serves). I didn't care for the bitter taste, and decided not to follow up.
My only experience with wine is when I've eaten something that was cooked in it. It was never a big deal to me.
All I really know about booze is that it's pretty expensive , and that to enjoy it you have to develop a taste for it. And that's why I don't drink. No moral judgement on my part; I'm just too cheap to develop the taste, or the habit, or both. (I don't smoke or use recreational drugs either; same reason.)
At the same time, I grew up watching the comic drunks in movies and TV - Leon Errol and Jack Norton in comedies, Otis the town drunk on Andy Griffith, any number of other examples. There are probably still millions of us who never drank, even though our only examples were the funny drunks of Hollywood.
I suppose I should count myself lucky that my immediate family contains no hard-line boozers (that I know of, anyway). And I can't recall ever having had to spend an extended amount of time with someone who was really offensively drunk.
Then again, I can't enumerate just how many accounts I've read over the years of how alcohol abuse ruined the life/career/family of somone whose work I admired. Recently I read a biography of Craig Rice, who was a popular mystery novelist in the '40s. She was a heavy drinker, and so were her characters. The novels were comic whodunits, so the characters were funny drunks. Someone wrote of Ms. Rice, "She wrote the binge, but she lived the hangover." Craig Rice died at the age of 49.She was blind in one eye, deaf in one ear, and possibly bipolar, years before that term was known.
So when I read a post like yours today... I know it's an experince I was better off without, but I still wonder - what is the attraction of alcohol in the first place? It can't be the flavor - can it? THe aftereffect is always decried. Nobody that I know of has ever said that being drunk is a positive experince - so why?
Just another unanswered question...
Congratulations, Roger. And thank you for this! 26 years here, and man, you utterly told the story of how I started in. Wonderful.
Happy birthday! Thank you so much for "outing" yourself and sharing your story. At barely 4 1/2 yrs sober I get so much inspiration from other people in the program out in the real world. Besides, aren't we supposed to protect the anonymity of others in the fellowship, and not necessarily our own (accountability is a big part of me staying sober)? Anyway, as someone who fought AA and the "g" word, I was amazed at the open mindedness and compassion I found in the rooms. How was it possible that an old book written my older white men could relate so well to me, a 36 yr old married mother of 2? I don't know why it works for me, but it does. And I'm glad it works for you, too.
Thanks, again.
I've never had more than a couple beers in any one sitting. I always wonder if I'm missing out by not getting drunk.
I also have been in AA 30 yrs as of Oct.and even though it has been hard and I had to face all pain, when it lifted it was a different world for me.
If someone with your pain and problems can do it and I can do it anyone can do it.
The pain of drinking and drugging and an eating disorder etc, is no where near the pain of all of that.
I have been to all the mtgs. you mentioned except out of town. I worked downtown for the Cook County Sheriff's Dept. I chaired at St. Peters for a year in early 90.s.
Every dream I had came true through sobriety and only through sobriety. My thinking was warped before the program and so was my life.
Peace and Serenity to You,
Suzette
Congratulations, Roger. I am fortunate myself in that I have had no addictions myself (save cartoons, but I have yet to meet a C.A.), but some people very close to me have been through this process. Suffice to say, I have deep respect for everyone who has struggled against a chemical dependency and come out the other side healthier and wiser. It should never be forgotten that addiction is a physiological response; mixed in with psychology and emotions, yes, but it is a fight against your own body. That is not a battle that is easy to win. Once more, congrats on the success you had thirty years ago, and the continued success you've had each one day at a time afterwards.
Roger:-
As you know 30 year sober members are sticklers when quoting the official AA steps, and that the quote should be accurate. Whoever typed this blog did not quote the first and third steps correctly. In the meantime congrats from a 32 to a 30.
Ebert: Thanks!
I typed it myself. Yes, going to aa.org I see that the first step says "alcohol," not addiction. I have corrected that. In the third step, the web source I used said "God as we understand God," not "as we understand him." I'm choosing to let that stand. I don't think Bill and Bob were remotely sexist, but in this day and age...does God, as you understand God, have a gender?
Thank you for what is likely to be a life-saving post. I've never seen a thirty-year chip before, so thanks for posting a picture of one, and, congratulations. "One day" after another sure adds up. As a licensed counselor here in Illinois, my work in addictions has involved directing many persons to AA. You're right when you say AA is not for everyone, but man, does it work for the people who work it.
About the movie clips:
"The Lost Weekend" seems rather dated to me. Although I generally hate remakes, I would argue that one is due in this case, especially since some of the material from the book was untouchable for a Hollywood movie at the time. Of course, these days it would have to be on HBO. Who else would make it?
There is such a trove of movies and videos with this topic! I would certainly recommend some others. It's shame that you don't have a clip from "My Name is Bill W." with James Woods and James Garner (another TV movie). That one moved me to tears. Trying to imagine the power of the idea, and how it has helped millions, is overwhelming. (And the fact that James Woods can move you to tears is also somewhat overwhelming!)
My favorite Woody Allen movie also deserves a clip. While "Hannah and her Sisters" was not a movie about alcoholism, per se, that WAS what it was about. At the time it was released, I do not recall seeing anyone discuss the film from the point of view of it's being a primer for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I'm sure that you are at least somewhat aware of the emotional problems and family roles that are played out by the children of alcoholics. (I speak from personal experience on this one.) The three daughters' personalities and behaviors eerily match up with the patterns of ACOAs. And the Barbara Hershey character's affair with Michael Caine recreates the familiar chaos of her childhood. I don't know if Woody Allen did any research into ACOAs as he was writing the script, but it was an absolutely perfect piece of writing on the topic.
Then there's "Stuart Saves his Family." Funny? Yes. Heartbreakingly sad? Yes. Personal, encouraging, and uplifting? Yes, yes, and yes. It seems to me that "Stuart" is what a really good AA meeting is like. You stated that you wondered about how you could be helped by some of the types of people who attend AA meetings. Al Franken has said the same thing, and has explained that he developed the character with that in mind...someone you would think of associating with in real-life, yet who is caring and full of wisdom.
Finally, an episode of Ellen DeGeneres' "The Ellen Show." This was her series that was cancelled after one season, but which I think was the funniest. Her character had moved from a big city, back in with her mother (Cloris Leachman) who lived in a small town. She was used to drinking good coffee in the city, and had to start attending AA meetings in the small town because it was the only place in the county that had quality coffee. Not hard to guess whether the writer of that episode was an FOB.
Peace.
I spent my high school years staying away from parties where alcohol was involved. Its not so much that i thought alcohol was bad, i just always thought getting drunk was a tremendous waste of time. Though, it did get difficult, most kids in my school drank, and i spent many a lonely night by myself in my room. My loneliness did give me time to think, however, so i guess i'm all the better for it.
Mr. Ebert,
Thank you. My father has been in AA for about 3 years less than you and while he's done well with it, I've never known much about the program -- except that my father made some good friends through it and that it helped him start down a long road of healing many ills -- alcoholism being only the first problem. To put it lightly, I'm thankful and proud of what he's done. Your piece has helped me get a glimpse into something that has been profoundly influential in my dad's life and I can't tell you how grateful I am. Thank you for sharing.
I've admired your writing for awhile, but haven't felt particularly compelled to communicate with you until this post. This is a good piece, and it made me a little bit uncomfortable (which is a sign of good writing).
It's funny, because as I read this I was finishing up my first glass of brandy and considering going back for seconds. I don't drink regularly, so I've got a happy little feeling going on. I was thinking about a second glass, but I'm going to stop here now. When you're drinking, everything seems like a sign.
Thanks.
thank you, once again, roger. again, again.
of course, you and your writing are very much like the films that you have earned your living talking about.
like the finest of them, it startles us with wonderful surprises throughout, and grants us glimpses of unexpected places, which often both dazzle and enrich us.
joseph campbell might have had a proper name for this.
"magic" will suffice. -g
Thank you for sharing this. It is beautifully written. I am going to pass it on to my brother and maybe it will take.
Mr. Ebert, thank you for violating the 11th tradition. You couldn't possibly get loaded on pain medication post surgery, so there is of course no chance of relapse for someone like yourself who is different from thousand of others. Every time I read about another celebrity violating the 11th tradition I want to puke. The arrogance is breathtaking. Thanks for mentioning "one day at a time" and the '24 hr reprieve" - Oh you didn't. Sorry. Oh you mentioned 30 years. Well how did you get there? Your mention of what is said in the rooms stays in the rooms is of course true. Don't you think someone can find out who the anchor was on the news show with you? Don't you think the stories you mentioned even without the names might have been told to non-AA people as well, thereby outing the people whose stories you tell from the rooms? Dear God sir, shut your trap. Review movies. It is enough. Thank god you are alive. You do not have to sell AA to anyone. Enough already. I have 22 years and this is becoming a huge problem here in L.A. with celebrities using the same crap rationalization you are using - "I have ____yrs. sober. I couldn't possibly get loaded. Let me tell you how great the program is." Just follow the traditions.
Ebert: Did you miss the part about how I am now physically unable to drink?
It is possible that the people accusing AA of being a cult could be confusing it with Narconon which is affliated with the church of Scientology.
Bravo for this Roger; well done. Moving. And yes, I'll think about it.
ANNE
Roger E. I knew there was something about you I liked!
Steve N. 10-25-75
Nice Job
I didn't get it until 1984 now when I am asked to share with someone 40 or 50ish they say you stopped when you were so young.
You echo what so many have found,
You know I have enjoyed you for years.
I now wonder is it because sober drunks have so much appreciation?
In looking back
I could hear it in you reviews
Thanks
JM
Mr. Ebert,
I am a 19 year old college student and for as long as I can remember I've sworn by your reviews. If there's a movie my family and I are not 100% positive we want to see, we say to each other, "Well, what did Roger Ebert give it?" I love hearing your opinions (so articulate, so emotional, so wonderful) on both movies and personal issues. I've luckily never had alcoholism in my life, whether it be through a friend, family member, or myself, and reading your story makes me even more determined to never let it enter my life. Thank you for sharing your gift of writing. Reading your reviews and blogs makes me feel inspired every day...it's one of the main reasons I am majoring in journalism.
Thank you,
Mia
PS: Any chance of you making an appearance at the New York Film Festival September 25th - October 11th? I know you don't travel much, I was just wondering. :)
I am a person in long-term recovery which means I have not taken a drink or a drug in over 13 years. Thank you for this post. I am eternally grateful for the existence of AA. The 12 Step program, the people, and the principles have changed my life and the lives of those who know and love me. I believe that we need to share the hope of recovery with others, in and out of the rooms of AA. There are ways to advocate for recovery without breaking the AA rules of anonymity. There are countless individuals, families and communities that can benefit from hearing that recovery is possible. The only way anyone will receive this message is if we talk about it.
The traditions are there for a reason.
Roger,
This was most fascinating to me. I do drink but do not have a problem with it. The reason this so fascinated me is that I knew an alchoholic in my college days and his girlfriend mentioned to me that he was amazed at my drinking. That I could simply stop, even refuse a free round. Then I read the quiz and saw the question about envying how others drink. While I cannot understand how people cannot just stop I do recognize that some people simply get to the point where they can't. That it is a disease. Congratulations on your sobriety, I hope someone sees it and goes to AA.
Roger, I did indeed read that section. I am talking about post-surgery pain meds which as you know has led to thousands of folks becoming addicted and/or relapsing. But that is not even my point. My point is that the justification you use for violating the 11th tradition - that it is 12 step work - is preposterous. We here in Hollywood have had to listen to this celebrity blather for the past 5-7 years. Some celebs are even spokespeople for rehabs. Its enough already, sir.
Ebert: I agree. But we hear all the time from idiot celeb creatures and high-profile relapsers, and never from the countless who are successfully sober. I have remained anonymous for 30 years. In my condition, it is physically impossible for me to drink. That may not be an excuse for violating the 11th tradition, but it's my reason.
Roger E.,
Your post has given me goose bumps. 5 years ago tomorrow (8/26/04), unbeknownst to myself, I took my last drink at the young age of 21. That night, in the midst of a blackout, I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. Because of my drinking, and the depression that came with it, I had quit everything I had ever started: romantic relationships, jobs, and school (both high school and community college). I did not check myself into the hospital to quit drinking, however, I did so because I wanted to die, and I had wanted to die for so many years. A nurse in the hospital, one who had seen me in my drunken stupor when I checked in, handed my a "Big Book" and told me I might want to read it. Although I accepted the book, I had no intention of actually reading it. However, the days in the hospital were long and boring, and the only book I brought (Jonathen Franzen's *The Corrections*) was too depressing. So one day I finally cracked open the big book. The first thing I read was chapter 3, "More About Alcoholism". I believe my intent was to prove that I was not an alcholic, but instead what I found was myself on every page. At first I was horrified. I am an alcholic! Oh no. But then, as I continued to read the Big Book, I realized that there was a solution to my problem. Finally, a solution. A wave of relief came over me. There are people who feel just as I do, alone in a room full of people, purposeless and desperate, the drink providing the only relief. But these same people have found something to live for. Maybe I can too. And I did.
Now, your post hit home for many reasons, not just because you are a recovering alcoholic like myself. Since getting sober I got myself back in school. In June I finally graduated and am currently following my dreams of becoming an academic. In order to pursue this dream, however, I have had to move away from my support group back home where I got sober in order to go to graduate school. I am now living in College Station, Texas where I know no one. Except,of course, in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. My AA birthday is tomorrow, and I have yet to make any friends here. I am a bit homesick and miss my homegroup. Reading your post reminded me of a ritual my sponsor and I used to have. Every week we would get together and watch "Ebert and Roper at the Movies." He and I fashioned ourselves as film buffs. We would meet for an hour. The first half hour we would spend talking about sobriety, the second watching your show and discussing the reviews during the commercial breaks. Afterwards we would go to a meeting. It was not your typical sponsor/sponsee get-together, but it kept me sober. And I looked forward to it every week. Of course, now that I know that you are a friend of Bill W.'s, it all seems so perfect.
Anyway, I want to say thank you for helping me stay sober all these years. Without my sobriety I have nothing. And thank you for posting this, giving me pause to think back on "what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now." I feel oh so fortunate for my sobriety, and all the gifts it has brought to my life. Also, happy 30th birthday!
I personally drink between 5-14 beers a day and i feel great. There is a big difference between drinking lots o beer and pounding shots of liquor. The liquor swiller is depressed and wants his buzz quickly. The beer drinker sees life as a long stretch of highway which is gonna take awhile to travel. Beer after beer he gradually approaches the apex, the capitol city fading in across the horizon. His buzz doesnt consist of gutters and blue haired women. It is a buzz of grassy plains and baseball games, of summer nights and starry skies.
Hi Roger Ebert,
Your words are encouraging. I grew up watching and reading your movie reviews - if there was any hint that you were an alcoholic, I sure did not see it.
I am currently struggling with dealing with my own alcohol dependence. I can count possibly 3 days in the last 8 years that I did not drink. I am terrified of admitting to my family, friends, employer, and MD that I might need help. Funny thing is, with the exception of my employer, I bet they all KNOW about my dependence.
I cannot fathom entering a 28 day detox program - that will never happen for me. I have attended a few on-line AA meetings, but I have not physically attended an AA meeting.
What is it about AA meetings that encouraged you to remain sober? The on-line meetings I attended were mainly speaker meetings, which is great. They made me weep, but did not make me want to be sober.
Congrats on your birthday, Roger. I've been a fan of you for half my life, and sober for almost two. Great summary of the power of the program!
Congratulations on 30 years!! I saw you at a meeting in Paris long ago, and that alone made me appreciate your movie reviews all the more. It meant a lot then and means a lot now to know that you are 'one of us'...
Ebert: The American Church!
Reply to: Because alcoholism is a disease it means that someone can be a recovering addict for 50 years but cannot go back to casual drinking, as the effect of the drink will, more or less, be the same as it was 50 years before.
Maybe the worst part about AA is that it makes you think you're doing all you can, when in truth, you're doing nothing to cure the disease.
Go find a psychology department at a University that knows how to run an experiment using electrical shocks.
Attach the wires to your hand. The Trained Operator has a switch and a way to turn the current up or down. Keep the controls where you can't see them.
Over a period of several weeks, pour various kinds of drinks. Every time you reach for one, the Operator gives you an electrical shock. Sometimes a light one, sometimes a powerful one.
You CAN alter the "reward value" of reaching for a drink. If you want to stop drinking, get to the point where you think about that electrical shock whenever you see or think of a drink.
Reply to: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
The AA philosphy is close to the Worst of All Possible Answers.
You have to take responsibility for your own drinking. If you want to stop, get some help and stop. At the beginning, having a long history of drinking, all you think about are the "fun times." Change the pattern. Train yourself to be afraid of drink.
And then, you won't be an Alcoholic any more. I don't think you're one now. If you haven't had a drink since 1979, you don't have a compelling addiction any longer.
That's the second worst part about AA. Refusing to admit that people can CHANGE.
Scientology does a less-painful variation of this using questions and E-meters. You want to alter the reward pattern in your brain, so that even after you've had one or two martinis, you never forget to remember "I'm tired of being a drunk."
Just because it's "accepted wisdom," that doesn't mean it's true. Is it worth going through hell to achieve a victory over addiction? That's the only decision you have to make - and then, follow through. Make that automatic connection in your mind, so that every time you reach for that drink, you the memory of that pain kicks in. (As I said, you need an expert who knows how this works, to avoid giving yourself a heart attack. Michael Jackson paid a cardiologist $150,000 a month to help him sleep, and look what happened. The fool waited 82 minutes to call paramedics and get Jackson to a facility with the right equipment to save his life.)
Ebert: Your electric shock treatment is unlikely to win many customers. What does it do, torture me into switching from scotch to Miller Lite?
How would a "cure" be defined? Sounds to me a little like electro-shocking a guy who has only one lung left to start smoking less.
AA has no opinion on theology, and wisely does not require belief in God. Your brand of atheism is so adamant it reminds me of fundamentalism.
bill wilson must be spinning like a rotisserie in his grave. my fellow recovering friend. this is not what AA was supposed to turn into. you share your'e stength and experience with fellow alcoholics not the free world. i feel this does a disservice to the BASIC TRADITIONS which were written expressly for this.
I'm glad for your sobriety which means everything that affects you from the neck up, not only alcohol.
i haven't had a sip of liquor for 16 years, but i have taken an extra pill [perscribed} from time to time.
is that ok or is that a relapse. just curious...
It's rare for someone with your fame to be so open.
My father chose to be sober over 20 years ago and I've always wondered if his alcoholism has been passed on to me. I don't drink very often and rarely more than one beer but it's almost impossible for me to say no. Because of your article I will pray and seek God's wisdom (I know you don't believe in God) on whether I too am at risk.
Thank you for sharing your story and kudos for responding to many of the posts on your blog. I've read them all and it's testament to your character.
Levi
Well, Roger E...
Thank you for the lovely and inspiring essay. It eased my burden on a day when my burden certainly needs some easing. Dr. Schlichter must have been quite a guy. Hell, you must be quite a guy.
You've shared your experience, strength and hope. Your words helped me: They made me feel less alone, they reminded me what a gift I've found in sobriety, they helped me find perspective. As much as I wish I was unique, I know I'm not - and that tells me you probably helped someone else, too. Probably a bunch of people. At the same time, I can't imagine that your beautiful essay caused any harm.
I see that some people are complaining that you "violated the 11th tradition," which says, "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films." OK. I guess the essay isn't in keeping with that tradition. But in breaking a tradition, you proved your point: AA is not a cult. No one's going to kick you out of AA because you chose to share your story. And maybe that particular tradition isn't so helpful. We all know that AA's founders, Bill and Bob, weren't exactly anonymous. And I notice the sky is still up - and I imagine you're still sober. As you pointed out, this essay reads more like a 12th step than anything else, and I sure am grateful for it.
I also see that most comments are supportive and thankful, as I believe they should be. You've done some good today. I imagine we'll never meet in person, but know you have a friend in Los Angeles - a very ordinary guy who congratulates you on your 30 years and who prays for your wellbeing.
I have been sober for thirteen years. I got my wife and kids back. I sponsor four men and go to meetings regularly. AA has given me a life and allowed me to be a part of giving life to others. Thanks, Roger, for sharing.
I knew it! I'm not sure how I knew that you were a member, but as an avid reader of your reviews, journal entries, and commentary--it must have somehow surfaced. I do believe that recovering alcoholics and addicts often share an unspoken bond--an embrace of life's wonders. How could we not, after struggling through such a morass?
I no longer attend meetings. I got sober when I was 19 and my addictions of choice (as if I browsed through some vice catalog) were marijuana and pills. I am now 31 and eternally grateful to AA for reshaping my understanding of who I am truly am.
The miraculous secret of the 12 steps is that they are applicable in all one's affairs. Sobriety almost becomes a secondary benefit of enjoying such a grand new outlook on life. My friends at the time said I was being brainwashed. My response, "I suspect my brain could use a bit of cleansing."
Thanks for sharing. If your entry enabled even a single person to take the leap into recovery, it was well worth breaking your anonymity. I, however, am posting under a pseudonym.
Thank you for this, more than you know. I takes a lot, especially for someone with your status to come clean not just in the rooms but in a space where you open yourself to criticism.
I've had a range of emotions about AA and coming to terms with my own alcoholism since 2007. Now, I love meetings-- an hour a day for 23 hours of sobriety? Good grief, why did I ever resist? The best thing I've learned is that you find a way to make your higher power and your program work for you. Everyone has their own way of staying sober but when I resisted meetings or stereotyped them, it was just an excuse. Keep coming back; it works if you work it!
congratulations to everyone here who wrote about their recovery, wonderful to read. i think people who have suffered addiction and recovered really see life, sober life, as special.
congratulations to everyone here who wrote about their recovery, wonderful to read. i think people who have suffered addiction and recovered really see life, sober life, as special.
Thanks for sharing, Roger. I think too much anonymity can be a dangerous thing. Silence keeps the cycle of abuse going, so in my own life, I've tried to speak up when I've felt there might be someone able and willing to listen. When minds are closed, there's less chance of being heard, so I try to speak up only when I hope that I might do some good.
I read in some AA book or other that the alcohol itself is just a tiny fraction of the problem. I decided that in my own case, since the rest of the problem was so enormous, I'd better get to work if I was ever going to find some sanity and hope. Years of therapy and counseling helped me figure out what a normal life is supposed to be all about, and to realize that my body just does not cope well with alcohol. My mom died quite young, and my dad wrecked his health, both because of their drinking habits. Along the way, my sister and I grew up not having any meaningful understanding of what a healthy or normal existence might be about. Alcohol, hangovers and all the assorted manipulative behaviors were normative, so it took a lot of work for me to figure out where normal boundaries are, what stability and peace can be.
In my view, health problems of every sort (not just addictions or mental illnesses) can be extremely isolating. Others can be harshly judgmental, and quite vocal in their disdain of any flaw they perceive in others. It's easy to feel as though you're the only one in the world who's ever gone through whatever it is, and so difficult to acknowledge that there are reasons to cling to hope. Giving up is easy. Finding a better way can seem impossible, especially if you're not much good at planning for the future even when you're sober.
Patience and courage do pay off.
Soberly trudging the road of destiny is pretty much the only way, at least for me, even if I don't follow the AA path.
P.S. For those who may not realize, the 'trudging the road' image that has been mentioned in this discussion several times comes from an AA book. I still remember an AA meeting when someone else went off on an hilariously funny rant about how they didn't want to trudge anywhere at all, thankyouverymuch. Still makes me smile.
Roger,
Hollywood Mark needs to chill out. Your purpose is clear and honorable. We need to hear about long term sobriety from high profile individuals. It helps those both in and out of the program. God bless you and Hollywood Mark, too...:-)
the utter desperation and sense of immense doom that were verbalized by me in the last days of drinking were talking to another friend,and he expressed the wish that he could construct a sentient machine. Before I had time to stop myself, I blurted out "What if it didn't like you?" Because that's what my first thought would have been: my creation would reject me. I couldn't stop drinking and I couldn't stop NOT drinking. If you would have had asked me, I would have told you the the Pillar of Salt was punished by being turned into a WOMAN.
I'm sober three and a half years now and people actually describe me as an optimist. Recovery is a gift from the gods!
Mahalo for this post. I concur with the others that you are a seminal writer of not just movie reviews.
I'm a twenty-something that's also currently going through some self-evaluation. I've recently been arrested for a DUI and although the punishment is relatively light, it's a serious enough offense to make me take a hard look at myself and why I've let alcohol control me the way it does.
It's hard for me, a Western-raised boy from an Asian family of heavy drinkers. Drinking was the only time my father and I have truly bonded. We drank together at an early age, and I feel I have subconsciously tricked myself into believing that drinking is the only way I can connect with others.
Having realized that, I need to think for myself. Thank you for giving me yet another reason for pause to think.
Thank you so much for writing this.
I am surrounded on all sides by alcoholism. Its in my family and I'm certain that I have great potential myself as a drunk, however, having had diabetes since I was quite young, I never got a chance to get started, the grace of god is a mysterious thing.
3 years ago a beloved friend died of alcoholism. I watched him spiral downward until the day he had a seizure from which he didn't recover. I was the one who found his body in his apartment which was full of empty beer cans. He was a gifted, beautiful, intelligent person and he was utterly helpless and in pain and it remains the saddest loss I have ever suffered. He had had periods of sobriety, had been to AA, knew how to get to a meeting, and yet couldn't find a way there, for whatever reason. I believe he is not in pain anymore.
I still am convinced that AA saves lives, and sustains through community and through tradition, and yes, through a mysterious higher power.
Thank you for this. I hope your next entry will be on smoking. My brother used to sneak to 7-11 at the age of 12 and buy cigarettes. My mother stormed up to the 7-11 counter one day and threatened the worker that if he ever sold her son a pack of cigarettes again, she would have him arrested.
My brother is 35 and has been smoking like a chimney since age 12. I bought him "The Easy Way To Quit Smoking" book, a big box of Nicorette, and RenewLife Smokers' Cleanse Kit. He yelled at me for wasting $75 on him and told me that I need to stop pushing myself on people.
I've already lost a sister to brain cancer. Today I read a Yahoo news report that 1/3 to 1/2 of smokers will die of lung cancer. They live an average of 15 years less than nonsmokers.
If I were Obama, I'd completely ban cigarettes in America, and then we'd have enough money for everyone's health care.
I spend a lot of time worrying about my brother. Do people with addictions realize the stress and sorrow they cause to those who know them?
Well, among the flurry of Great Pains in the Ass I encountered as clients who were alcoholics over a few years, was a man who never drank liquor, just a couple-three sixpacks of beer a day. He'd bring them to the studio.
I am 200% certain he did not realize what a pain in the ass he was, cristos. 'nuff said. Unless you want to hear about the beer-lady who was up dancing at 3 a.m. in my apt., howling along with the disco music in her headphones, me having to get up at 5.
Thank you for this essay. I have been sober 91 days today, the longest I have ever been sober since I was 14 years old. It certainly hasn't been easy. I resisted AA because I thought it was hokey. However, for some reason hearing respectable people tell the same story, makes me feel a little less shameful about my own story. I am going to keep going to meetings and making sobriety my number one priority because if I don't, I know I will drink myself to death. Your sobriety gives me hope. Thank you for sharing.
Community! I think this blog entry illustrates beautifully how an individual can feel so powerful surrounded by a community. And community doesn't have to be where you live or work; it can be as temporary and changing as an elevator ride. It is wherever you enjoy a sense of belonging, a membership in something bigger and more powerful than you. I remember being on an elevator with a group of smiling ladies from the office above mine, enjoying their jazzy talk about Sam Cooke, about what's their favorite Sam Cooke songs, and when they asked me if I'd ever heard of Sam Cooke, and I said of course, and "Another Saturday Night" is my favorite, the look on their faces, the gleeful surprise in their laughter: Oh yes, something happened on the ride up that I can't call anything other than Community.
I'm not an alcoholic, and I've never had the honor of being at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, but I can imagine how it would really let someone put his problem out on the table and get a good grip on it, with a little help from some friends.
Beautiful, Roger!
I grew up watching Siskel & Ebert and have always read your reviews faithfully- I'm so happy to know you are "one of us," and definitely worth breaking your anonymity.
This is definitely attraction, not promotion at its best. I'm 27 years old, have been clean and sober almost four years. I LOVE that Ann Landers wasn't allowed into a closed meeting, just like a group of drunks! Now they all have a story to tell.
I've met some of the most amazing, successful, beautiful and interesting people in the rooms. But of course, we're all just a group of drunks- including frickin' Roger Ebert! So cool.
Thanks again
Thank you. My dad was in the military, which encouraged drinking. I used to hate it when they came in after I had gone to bed, apologizing and breathing fumes on me. Then when I was 19 I went off on my own and did the very same thing. I remember seeing 'Days of Wine and Roses' and thinking I would never be like that. I am now 64 and am not like that. I never drive drunk, but I skate close to the edge of other behavior. My niece has been in AA for 20 years (since she was 17) and I don't like her earnest self-congratulation. But your blog and 194 posts show that I need something.
As a movie fan, Chicagoan, two time attendee of your film festival (Robert Forster was a great guest BTW), and fellow reformed drinker aka AA member, I appreciate the reviews that you write. I don't always agree of course, but I always look forward to seeing what you have to say about movies I'm excited about. Or the ones that I know will stink.
Today, I wanted to see what you had to say about "Inglorious Basterds." I'm excited for that one. And before that I knew you would have something to say about "Transformers 2" that would be infinitely more creative than that stinker. I had no desire to see that.
Lastly, I just want to say that the class and character you have shown through your career and work ethic, love of films, and battles against sickness continue to be an inspiration.
And the only way I'll watch a "Transformers 3" is if Harmony Korine directs.
I would think that after 30 years, he would know something about the 11th Tradition. Oh well.
Shouldn't the title be "My Name is Roger, and I WAS an alcoholic". Unless you believe that once a alcoholic means always a alcoholic.
Also, shouldn't a true A.A (past or present) member post as "Anonymous" person if they are claiming to be alcoholics. I hope you will not consider it rude if anyone does not use their name in this thread !!!!!!
Ebert: I am an alcoholic who did not drink today.
A wonderful description of AA. I just picked up a first year chip. It is a program of hope, and I'm so glad I finally found my way into a meeting. I had become a miserable drinker.
On the 11th tradition: It's my understanding that the tradition refers to AA itself. One can out one's self as a member of AA. I would certainly share my experience in AA with an active alcoholic if she or he seemed willing to listen, and I don't think Roger's essay is much different.
Mr. Ebert!
Thank you! I have been in program and sober for over 24 years. Your 30 years is an inspiration! Also, thank you for writing about your staying in AA. I can't tell you how many times I've heard (and you've probably heard it more) about people who stopped going to meetings and picked up. The lucky ones got back to the rooms to tell their story. Thank you so much for helping another alcoholic!
Mr. Ebert!
Thank you! I have been in program and sober for over 24 years. Your 30 years is an inspiration! Also, thank you for writing about your staying in AA. I can't tell you how many times I've heard (and you've probably heard it more) about people who stopped going to meetings and picked up. The lucky ones got back to the rooms to tell their story. Thank you so much for helping another alcoholic!
Thanks for speaking out, Roger, and congratulations on 30 years one-day-at-a-time! The more that people see recovery in action, the better. I, too, am blessed with the gift of sobriety and I am grateful every day for the good things that are now in my life. I made the decision a few years ago to be "out" about being in recovery b/c there are too many images of the "mess" of addiction out there - there needs to be many more positive examples of what recovery means not only for us but for our families and communities as well. Thanks again!
By airhead on August 25, 2009 2:08 PM
...Rogert Ebert is pompous,overblown and overated.Who cares about his struggles... Ebert is seeking admiration and accolades for his problems,only because he is prominent and a celeb...big deal! ...
It's a paycheck, though, isn't it Roger?
Is that Chet again?
Ebert: :)
Reading through the comments I'm only finding one grumpy AA complaining about you breaking your anonymity. That's pretty good.
Congratulations on 30 years! I'm right behind you - Class of '81. And may God (as you understand him or her) bless you and keep you.
Ebert: A lot more than one.
Your reason for breaking the tradition is nonsense. Everyone who breaks it has some "reason". However, from what I've observed, most alcoholics who break it, break it for one reason only: Ego. The founders of AA put this in place to protect the program of AA. There is no "good" reason for breaking it, other than you believe that it's something you don't have to honor, because apparently you (and your ego)are bigger than the traditions.
Mr. Ebert
Been sober for 24 years, most of my adult life-to this day old friends wonder "can't you just have one"..no can do. I love the program of Alcoholic Anonymous. That's the simple truth. Something greater than myself restored my sanity and one day at a time, continues to do so. The thought of reframing my thinking, going back to "the way it was" hold no romance for me. While some of my friends seem to struggle with my alcoholism, I am comforted by the fact that I do not.
Thank you Roger Ebert for your posting-one more drunk livin' the good life, such as it is for each one of us, SOBER..
PS. I have always been a fan, and now, a really big fan.
I don't think you violated the 11th tradition at all. I've always heard that it's about making sure that no one is pressured into the program. How can a blog pressure anyone to do anything?
I'm so awed by your accomplishment, Mr. Ebert. After everything that you've been through over the years, it's mind-boggling to me that you could have remained sober. I recently celebrated my 19th belly button birthday and my 5 month sobriety date. It's been incredibly hard, but incredibly rewarding. Like they say, ours is a progressive disease. The beautiful thing about sobriety is that it keeps getting better.
My father, who is not an alcoholic, once gave me a parable about addiction, which I'll paraphrase for you now. "If I were in an empty room, with a book and a beer, I'd pick up the book." That's always defined, for me, the difference between those who are addicts and those who are not. In that room, in that scenario, I can't imagine NOT picking up the beer. One is too many, one hundred is never enough.
Thank you for this entry.
Roger,
This is the best, most eloquent, entertaining, and educational post of any kind I've ever read. You are now officially on my heroes list. We need more transparent people of high profile.
Best,
Julia
Thank you Roger. I think you may have been a tipping point in my life.
Thank you, and thank you again.
Thanks so much! I will celebrate 9 months tomorrow. I was divorced last year because of my drinking....so the "Days of Wine and Roses" has a special poignancy for me. But I'm sober and moving on with my life. I love AA and the people in them who struggle with this disease. I really appreciate your honesty and your praise of AA. I think it is a truly divinely-inspired program.
Dear Roger,
Thank you for your truth and for having the courage to state it. I love your work and appreciate you as a brother in recovery. I can't do this by myself, and I sure can't do it only with people who do exactly what I do.
I intend to keep coming back. And it sounds like you will too.
Bless you,
Another Bill
I quote from the the 11th tradition..."Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films." I believe this includes endorsements my noted personalities.
I would greet Rogert as a fellow member of alcoholic anonymous, but I believe I should not endorse his self oration on sobriety....gordy, vancouver bc canada.
Wow. What bold and honest writing! It's encouraging, kind, and thought-provoking. I have been involved in assisting others in recovery for many years.
Your reviews of films such as Drugstore Cowboy, Requiem for a Dream, and particularly Barfly have always struck a chord with me. You have such great insight. Thank you for sharing it.
Dr. Schlichter must have been an amazing doc!
Mr. Ebert:
By coincidence, I was just reading the chapter on the 11th tradition in the 12 & 12 today. And I have to say, nowhere in it does it say "If you break this tradition, you're a horrible person."
One of the genuinely beautiful things about AA is how self-created it is. There is a lot in the AA liturgy that people who aren't familiar with it (and some who are) overlook. Like the last sentence in part 1 of "How it Works," which gets read at every meeting I've ever been to, and introduces the 12 steps by saying that they are "suggested as a program of recovery."
There's a lot of power in that word "suggested." Not all by itself, maybe, but in what it represents, a recognition that AA is not how people get sober, it's how the people who founded it got sober. We're making it up as we go along, still. These are suggestions and traditions, not dogma and doctrine, and we read them literally at our peril. (For heaven's sake, the Big Book has an entire chapter entitled "For Wives." Still.)
And as far as the higher power business goes: the God I happen to believe in is, essentially, the God of the book of Job. Praying to this God is a little like asking Alec Baldwin's character in Glengarry Glen Ross what his name is. Asking Him to relieve my defects of character? Please. Where was I when He made the world? So I have to make up my own higher power despite the fact that I have a very strong belief in God. And really, nobody in AA cares about this except me.
I am thirteen years sober and a regular member of AA. I started an anonymous blog this summer that some might find interesting. Take what you need, leave the rest
http://nahcllib.blogspot.com/
This article itself is a violation of at least two of AA's Twelve Traditions.
Not that there is anything unusual about that, AA has long had an unspoken tradition of violating the official ones by getting promotional pieces planted in the media.
I agree with Roger that it can be irritating to watch those with newly found sobriety publicly break anonymity, they should follow the examples of those thirty year old-timers... (seniority doesn't mean anything, right?) Really interesting that Roger later goes on to declare that AA "prides itself on anonymity"...
Apparently, Roger finds it bothersome that criticism of AA can be found on the internet, amazing what happens when an organization can't control it's own publicity like it has for seventy years. If Bill Wilson could have foreseen the advent of the internet, he surely would have included it in the eleventh tradition.
Thanks for sharing Roger, if your blog accomplishes nothing else, it does serve as a confirmation of what AA does best, but most people don't need thirty years to figure out. It may or may not help anyone to stop drinking, but it does a very good of convincing them to give it full credit for their accomplishments.
Dr. Schlichter would say you're a mensch.
He'd be right.
Thank you SO much for this piece. It encompasses so much that so many (both converts AND detractors) can learn and take solace from. It's a beautiful and generous thing you've done. I'll spare readers my personal angle, except to say that you speak the truth as eloquently and reassuringly as I could ever have hoped to hear it. Congratulations and of course, thanks also for all your great output over the years.
A dear friend linked me to your article. I sponsor him in A.A. He has 29 years of continous sobriety. You and I share possesion of that medallion with three Xs on it. In my early sobriety I seem to never have had doubts about this program working—the second meeting that I attended had five people welcome me by name without introducing myself. I later met several others that I had drank with or were there when. I developed an interest in all aspects of the history of A.A. and have found that by continuing to learn more about this program and the people in I can speak to the critics of it intelligently, but much more importantly I can share the experience, strength and hope that I have been so unselfishly been given to others—to the still suffering alcoholic. I recently re-read a very short article by one of the two men who brought A.A. to Minnesota in 1940 from Chicago. He had just a few months of sobriety in A.A. himself and eventually passed on with over 50 years of sobriety. He had stated that, at that point he was no longer working the steps (of the program) and that not drinking and going to meetings was enough. Funny thing, the principles from those steps can become ingrained in you to the point of becoming your second nature. Thank you.
p.s.
I would be remiss if I did not comment on your line "A "cult?" How can that be, when it's free, nobody profits and nobody is in charge? A.A. is an oral tradition reaching back to that first meeting between Bill W. and Doctor Bob in the lobby of an Akron hotel." It was actually at the "gatehouse" of the Seiberling Estate in Akron where they had their first meeting. The message board in the hotel led Bill W. through people that put him in touch with Doctor Bob.
Roger, I am in awe of what you have written here. Congratulations on your 30 years of sobriety. And thank you for a window into understanding how AA works. I didn't know that there were meetings every day of the week.
Ebert: And in AA club houses, many hours of the day and night.
Terrific Roger-- I needed a meeting and here it was. And there is sharing, too. And Happy 30th Birthday.. As you know, the only problem with getting to thirty is that it takes 30 years... And thanks for all your words on the movies, too. I loved Chicago- worked there for WSNS and the White Sox a hundred years ago. Good people, great bars ! Ah to have been young and wild in Chicago in the 70's was a movable feast..
Hey Roger,
My sponsor told me not to go to any meetings where they hand out chips, bells, whistles and cakes because I didn't do anything. It was so typical of AA today, to read the whole blog & not read once, not one time, what God has done for you. I know, it's personal and you don't want to scare off any newcomers. But hey, what is AA's recovery statistic? 5% get clean & sober? That's why-because the agnostics & atheists have taken over & they have no POWER. The cornerstone has been removed from AA and it's a shame. It says, in how it works, "There is One who has all power, that One is God- may you find Him now." I think just a small testimony, a tiny witness to mention that it was God's mercy that you stayed sober for the last 30 years would have been too much for you. Because I guess that's how it works with you-you did it. As for me, and a lot of other drug addicts & drunks, we know that we were beyond human aid until we had an entire physic change. A leper can’t change its spots. An Ethiopian can’t change his skin color. And an alcoholic/drug addict/gambler/gossiper/adultress/whatever you're a slave to cannot stop drinking on his own. It doesn’t matter whether you believe it or not-it’s the truth. Self help is the biggest scam going. Look at the best seller lists, full of them. The only way to stop drinking is to change your mind-a renewing of your mind. And only God can perform this action. God only, Jesus Christ, not Buddha or Mohammed or a group or a meeting or a doorknob or a tree. No power. The biggest lie in AA and it’s a lie from the pits of hell is, “Don’t drink & go to meetings.” Meetings do not have any power-it’s temporary for an hour or so you probably won’t drink-maybe. But hey-“meeting makers make it.”
Ebert: I've never been to a meeting where there were no chips or cakes.
Right after the quote you provide it says, "as we understand him." Not everyone may understand a Higher Power in the way you do.
So let me get this straight. You got sober the right way, and I did it the wrong way? Did your sponsor ever speak to you about taking someone else's inventory?
Read the link I provided and you will find the AA recovery rate is much higher than 5%.
I wonder if Western Europeans would be alive, let alone advanced in relation to the rest of the world today, were it not for drink; and the audacity 'bravery' and recklessness it engenders?
Cholera and other bacterial infections were held at bay with whiskey, wine and beer; even children drink wine in France. The Romans in contrast, I've heard, perhaps lost their empire to the habit of drinking wine from lead poisoned containers.
I must say, I wouldn't deny people their drink -- but I've seen it kill people too. It's not pretty.
I understand that John Calvin was beer drinker and wonder if the reformation would have happened without it? Do you think it possible the audacity of conquest and colonialism could have been accomplished without a good snort of whiskey or rum.
Could good Christian soldiers set out as they did on Crusades without liquor? Seemed the British gave the soldiers a good shot of gin at battles like Waterloo.
Drink does lower impulse control; but perhaps imbibing can be thanked by as many for being just the catalyst for opportunity, as it turns into wife beaters and killers into wrecked lives.
I understand Winston Churchill, Norman Mailer, and more recently Mel Gibson, with a string of great movies, were all reckless drinkers -- can you say it ever did you any good in the early days, Mr. Ebert?
Being intoxicated puts a whole new spin on personal relations too; and the bar to this day is a place where the European mammals find mates and discuss great business plans. I think Van Gogh's (a real drunk), painting of a bar is a wonderful work of art, as was his self portrait the morning after.
I agree with many posters though. Nobody is quite so obnoxious as one who is intoxicated, I've even caught myself on a few occasions in that really common state of mind. Certainly, people can find other ways to be just as intolerable, though, without any drink or drugs whatsoever.
Ebert: Few get to be alcoholics without the feeling that a drink or a pub can be a pleasure. But those who are alcoholics have to forego that pleasure.
My son sent me this blog from Venezuela. He was 8 years old when I entered the rooms of AA 19+ years ago! He is a huge supporter and went to over 1,000 meetings as a young boy. He credits AA with 'breaking the chain' of alcoholism in our family. What is a 28 year old in working in South America doing reading your blog?? I guess he heard alot of things in those rooms that has saved his life!! He knows I still attend meetings most every day and work with others. He knows where to find help for himself or others if indeed they should ever need to find the rooms. Thank you so much for your story!
I recently read the AA book. I am not an alcoholic, but I found its discussion on resentment very personally liberating. It had never occurred to me before that at the heart of a lot of my resentment was feelings of being out of control.
Thank you and many blessings to you on your 30th AA Birthday. I celebrated my 16th in March 09. I was indeed, "rocketed into a 4th dimension" of a new way of life. I got it at the Mustard Seed and the Church of the Atonement in Edgewater and various places all over the Chicagoland area. I live in Lake County now and know that the program is my design for living that got through to me as nothing else had. It is a powerful and loving way of life and I'm grateful to have found it. Thank you for your 12th step essay, it gladdened my spirit and made me smile that AA grin of being a friend of Bill W. and Doctor Bob.
Roger,
I have been reading your reviews for many years and have always loved your writing.
As an alcoholic in early recovery, I am honoured and delighted to have the benefit of your essay on this subject - and the benefit of your sobriety.
Recovery is a tough gig, but drinking is a season in hell.
In the three months I've been in AA I've experienced that happy miracle of learning to cope with myself. I would never have made it this far without the unconditional love and support of AAs.
Thank you for being part of my family. Your sobriety is a gift to us all.
xxxx
If you knew for certain you would die tomorrow, wouldn't you still want to get awe-inspiringly hammered just one last time, though?
Ebert: I'd rather die.
Dear Roger--
I've been a fan of yours for many years, but I never knew you were in AA. I'm proud to belong to the same club you do.
Keep on keeping on!
A wonderfully written testimony for those whose ongoing 12th-step is "passing it on' to others. I've recently reached 24-years of remaining clean & sober, only through the Grace of God. As a longtime free-lance broadcast/journalist, I've suplimented my income to provide for my family for over 20-years tending bar "for real money", and passing it on to many others. We'll meet again Roger as I continue toward producing an historical doc about Chicago. Congrats on your 30-years of soberity, your successes and your faith and fight toward improved health. God Bless!
Thanks for your story.
I was a member for 3 years but didn't stay sober until I left AA.
It's there if you need it; however, the program is not for everyone and it is not the only way for an alcoholic to become and stay sober.
Also, later in the steps, the alcoholic is instructed to pray and meditate so that they might discover and carry out God's will. To me, that is religious. As a member you can believe in any God that you want; but you have to believe in a God.
The 11th Tradition is just that, tradition. I take the traditions seriously and try to follow them, but I believe we all have the choice to do what we need to.
I thank you for your essay and I believe it might be of great help to many people, much like the famous Saturday Evening Post article by Jack Alexander.
My understanding of our anonymity is that it protects us from our own egos as much as it protects the program from having fallible representatives. I appreciate that you made no claim to speak for the fellowship and I enjoyed what you shared.
I have never been an alcoholic, but I have had some experience with addiction.
Whatever a person believes about God or AA, I think you should be applauded for your honesty. This does not come across as someone pushing a crusade or "a cure", or is being self-pitying, just as someone sharing their story.
I suppose someone could call it ironic; I just watched Rachel Getting Married immediately prior to reading this blog. That is an amazing movie where anyone who has any sort of issues with either addiction or family can identify PROFOUNDLY! (and after all, how many of us haven't dealt with at least one of of those things?)
I'm sorry that this was so rambling, but I felt a need to share.
the book Alcoholics Anonymous has become the basic text of our Society.
We feel the elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs.
we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body.
We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.
we are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of........
quotes from text book, the book states it so well and specifically
My comment:
when making important decisions we often seek guidance, from Spirit, from elder statesmen in our group, fellow AA's we are working with, Sponsor, GSO, to come to an informed and objective decision.
Anonymity is the Spiritual Foundation. Young members in AA often break their and AA's anonymity because they don't know. We seek to understand, and it comes if we are willing
Thanks for sharing, Roger. I know the amazing mental toughness it takes to continue on your journey. My father died almost 10 years ago as an active alcoholic; alcohol eventually took over his life. Last week was his birthday and I miss him a lot. My father was a highly educated man and I think he believed that going to AA was somehow beneath him--that no one there was like him. At least that was one of his many excuses. I don't think I ever remember him going to meetings for more than about a week at a time. Kudos to you for telling the world that even Roger Ebert has this frailty along with the strength to combat it.
Congratulations, Roger! This is the most courageous, touching blog I've read of yours...and I've been a fan for decades.
I am getting close to 6 months. I'm almost 40. This is the longest I've been sober in my adult life. I couldn't have done it without AA, and I don't think I'll be able to maintain it without AA.
A few months ago, I came across a film on IFC or Sundance - Duane Hopwood. I looked up your review afterwards, and I felt you understood alcoholism from the inside. Especially the denial - the regular people with regular lives in this maddening denial. A gem of a film, and a gem of a review that will be etched in my memory of the early days of my sobriety. A powerful connection. Thank you.
For most of your AA years, were you a meeting-a-day guy?
Thank you.
I presume we all have AA members in our family, like I do. Until now, I had never heard of step 11. I didn't know that there was guidance to help AA members reduce the risk of failure by bruiting about how successful they've been so far, and I guess, by extension, failing to set a good example for others newly on the path.
I just recall being told when I was young and asked about all these meetings that I couldn't go to that it's not polite to discuss other people without their consent. So, I have avoided bragging about the people I knew who made commitments like AA and stuck to 'em.
I am not in AA. I don't know how your perceived violation of a step is any more someone else's business, outside of a meeting, than it is whether or not you are a recovering alcoholic or merely recovering from major surgery.
That said, to those of us outside the program, the scolding over your slip on the steps sounds like any other family disagreement from the den when everyone gets together, and it's pretty loveable - like listening to elderly uncles debate who should have won the ballgame.
I think the standard golden rule applies: you have done for others as you would have done to you. By the way, Stephen King doesn't drink, he wrote, and there's an airline pilot somewhere who might recognize himself in Stephen's review of the song "They Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab...".
Still, no one could put a name to pilot in the story from the story alone, and no one would be surprised to learn that a pilot's license is no shield against alcoholism. I think your scoop/slip that some newsmen from Chicago circa 1970 are in AA is not all that newsworthy, either.
Reading your drinking commentary here actually had me waxing nostalgic for the good old days in Chicago. I am about your age and lived on the near north side of Chicago (right off Wells Street, on Menominee in Old Town) and later on Wellington in New Town. My hangouts, as was those of my friends, were O'Rourkes which was very close to where I lived in Old Town, and Oxford's Pub, when living in New Town. As well as John Barleycorn, Somebody Else's Troubles, Holstein's, etc. I dated Fred for a while, but he kept calling me up in the middle of the night as he kept "pub" hours. Same thing happened when I was dating a trumpet player. He used to keep those samea club hours, out of necessity of course. I needed my sleep as