The New Yorker. No, The New Yorker.

Have a seat. He'll see you in a few millenia.

or,

Here to complain about the Job?

or

Is He in?

or

Hot enough for ya?

Oooo! A cartoon captions contest! I've just checked - Canadians can enter too! (Rubbing hands together with glee!)

And is that dime in American money?! And yes, it does make a difference.

As for your peeved lament which amused me greatly, if it makes you feel any better, I laughed at the caption you came up with for cartoon #6 - "The kids have been screaming and yelling about being taken see 'Transformers' tonight."

And thank-you for providing a link to that article over at the New Yorker about Robert Mankoff, their cartoonist! I might not have discovered it otherwise and it made me smile to see I'm not the only one who uses terms like loosey-goosey.

That aside, here's the caption I've entered in the contest:

"Yes, I do know why he wants to see you – and I’d tell you, 'cause if it were me I’d want to know, but he made me promise not to ruin the surprise."

Smile.

Ebert: May you be one of the finalists with me, and let the best man win.

Hello Mr. Ebert,

I present my humble entry for the cartoon's caption:

"We've been over this before; Faust is your problem now."

I worry they won't take it because of the literary reference, but I think it's funny.

"What do you mean he won't fix the air conditioner? He's the landlord and I've got a signed lease!"

I entered, and if I fail to make the finalists, there is something gravely wrong with the universe:

"Now, be honest. . . is there any chance I'll keep my job after you lay him off?"

Your drinking caption for cartoon #4 is brilliant.

Roger,
You are my 'go to guy' for movie reviews, as over the years, I have found you to be an almost infallible resource. As there is nothing that irritates me more that sitting through a predictable or poorly made movie, it has almost become a joke with my sons about the way I consult your reviews before gambling on a movie. Because I also really enjoy your essays, I sympathize with your frustration at your unsuccessful attempts at getting your New Yorker caption contest chosen. I thought that some of your submissions were excellent. All I can offer is my encouragement, as well as a couple observations...lots of great authors have felt the sting of rejection from the New Yorker, and...have you considered making a submission using an alias?

-A loyal reader

Ebert: Naw. No one would believe me if I won. Well, maybe I could make a case by winning with a name like Regor Trebe.

Ebert: I am so relieved. The "New Yorker entry's comments have been fixed and I've received four posts in the last five minutes!

I was crushed with the fear I had written an entry only two people cared enough about to comment on.

P.S. I'm turning in now, but rest assured your posts will see the light of day.

I suggested to my father that something more topical might be in order, and he came up with, "I thought I was covered by TARP!". If I win your contest, might you supply two nickels (I told my dad, he thought it up)? :)

"Yes, but WHICH pope has taken your pitchfork and won't give it back?"

"Angel. She was no angel last night."

Sooner or later we all pay the piper.

"I don't wanna be a republican anymore."

Tried to post my all-time favorite New Yorker caption contest winner, but I guess images are not postable here. In lieu of that, here is the link:

http://contest.newyorker.com/CaptionContest.aspx?id=31

Absolutely brilliant.

Satan to God: "Surely I embody the very soul of diversity?"

Cartoon Number Two - Yes, I can see they're holding clipboards, but what do they expect us to do in an empty cage?

Cartoon Number Eight - Go right in. Mark Cuban is trying to buy the Cubs, and I think he wants to call in a favor.

My entry is:

You're being reassigned- God doesn't need you in the White House anymore.

"I've been on the payroll here since Day One!"

"What does He need with an assistant?"

"It's the transformers movie isn't it".

"Its time for your job performance review".

"Hora si me va a chingar"

I tried "Looks like prison wasn't so kind to you, Mr. Madoff."

He's TiVoed "Entourage."

I posted last night but it didn't show up, so even though it seems to be fixed now I'm reposting just in case.

For Cartoon #7, this was a caption that popped into my head when I saw it:

"So is this what they meant by 'virgins'?"

And as for Cartoon #8, this is the one I submitted to The New Yorker:

"I'm sorry but Master Plans are Master Plans and you can't just quit!"

"It's just not fair his son got the promotion."

"Can you come back tomorrow? You're dad's had a very bad day, and you know how he gets..."

[Re-submission; ignore if already received]

Yes, I'm aware many of these are lame. But I've decided to go for quantity over self-filtering. Thus I leave it to you, gentle blog readers, to vote for your favorite(s). Here goes:

1. He's ready to smite you now.

2. Sorry, I'm winded from climbing all those stairs.

3. I'm sorry, I'll have to ask you to leave. We've exceeded the Fire Marshall's code for maximum number of deities per floor.

4. Mr. Madoff's annual review hangs by a thread.

5. Your resume indicates a complete lack of empathy for others and an almost pathologically nihilistic worldview. Congratulations, you should fit right in with the corporate hierarchy.

6. Let's be honest. I didn't get the Archangel gig, did I?

7. I've decided to turn myself in to the proper authorities.

8. I should warn you: He's ruthless.

9. I've brought a number of references from Fox News.

10. Just to play me-advocate for a moment…

11. I love what you've done with the place.

12. Past work experience notwithstanding, you should probably put on some clothes.

13. This is a charitable organization, sir, not a law firm. (A lawyer joke was inevitable.)

14. I'm almost sure you're not expected.

15. Can I offer you a coffee while you wait in purgatory?

16. I had no idea He was this open-minded.

17. I'm not sure you appreciate the gravity of the situation.

18. I took the liberty of moving to the head of the line.

19. When God closes a door, he opens a small business.

20. You say we could save how much by using overseas labor?

Hi Roger. I'm posting here because I'm in Japan and can't read Japanese. I really don't have much else to say........swordfish......

Ebert: An excellent reason to post.

I submitted my post while the commenting was down, so, just in case:
My entry, a topical reference:

"He wants to see you about that 'Family Guy' nomination."

Never mind the New Yorker and its outsourced judging panel from Tonga; match wits with Roger Ebert? I looked at this last night and all that came to mind was "Eggy weggs! I'd like ta smash 'em!" For all of them.

That said, I suspicion that a woman whose work I love and admire to the point of DNA absorption is lurking around here. I think I recognized her certain cartoon-caption style remark on another thread. She also does cartoons for the New Yorker. She, too, is someone whose quips I still chuckle about 30 years and counting, as I do Roger's. "Touche!" is one of my favorites, but "Heck no, we're not crazy! Why? Do we look crazy?" stands alongside it.

And now it is like a Pro Wrestler has come to town and will take on any bumpkin foolhardy enough to step into the ring. Maybe this display of abject humility first will soften him up. But here goes:

Cartoon Number One:

"So you stated 'Tell National Geographic I want 30% of the gross or I swim and they can kiss my bright red fantail',is that correct?"

"...you can 'check with the EEOC about our alleged job requirements' all you like, sir. You are overqualified for this position and our decision is final."

"You may think I'm just clowning around, but I guarantee those pincers are something I take very seriously."

Cartoon Number Two:

"You know, we may have been wrong about Intelligent Design."

"Your notes say nothing about this. Are you sure they're complete?"

"Comstock, we know there are limits of decency put on cloning experiments, but do you think the legal staff has found a loophole sufficient to deal with this?"

Cartoon Number Three: (Can't imagine competing with "I contain multitudes.")

"Would you like to hear me roar?"

Cartoon Number Four:

"So he said,'Then if you won't reconsider the virtues of our Montrachet, Mr. Libby, perhaps you should also reconsider applying for parole.'"

"Just time for one more quick one, Harv. I've got about two miles to go."

Cartoon Number Five:

"So that's my story about Howard Hughes. I only wish he could be here to see how I've grown."

"After 11 years housekeeping at Neverland, I just can't get comfortable in an unsecured environment."

Cartoon Number Six: (Rush Limbaugh joke my fave)

"Relax. Rush hour won't start for another hour and a half."

"Did that blindfold just fall off?"

"Screw the gas mileage. If you hadn't rented a f**kin' Prius we wouldn't have to be in such a hurry."

"Pull over, I think he's gotta take a leak."

"If they pull us over, just say we're rehearsing for a remake of 'The Valachi Papers.'"

Cartoon Number Seven:

"Well, if Horton could handle it, we can put up with anything this a__hole draws."

"A watched pot never boils, Cosgrove."

"Don't you remember how you got here? I must have sat on you for six years."

"I just didn't imagine we'd have to keep up with the population down there."

"If you don't like it, there's a whole purgatory full of replacements who'll do it cheaper."

Cartoon Number Eight:

"Tell Him Bob McNamara talks too much."

"Tell Him we're running out of heating oil."

"If He's busy I'll come back. But those Decepticons are really getting under my skin."

Fini. Did you wanna be a cartoonist when you were a kid, Rodge? I sure did. But one day a pretty girl asked me if I knew how to play the guitar she happened to be carrying.

Uh oh, what's wrong? I just hit "preview" and something weird happened. Trying again. I hope it doesn't screw up like on the "Bless Me Father" thread.

Ebert: Whew.

I'm burning with curiosity about your mystery contributor.

Here's a few:

"I'm not sure how he fit through that door."

"Even He thought 150 minutes was a bit long."

"The bathrooms are around the corner, right in front of the valley of the shadow of death."

Hi Roger

Great blog post and thanks for the tip about this contest. Looking forward to enjoying it for a long time. Many of your captions were marvelous, I'm sure you've come fourth many times. It's a matter of time.

How about:

Err ... Trick or Treat.

Guhhh ... damn, I thought He said 12 a.m.

I'm not nervous at all. After all I excelled in my previous position.

Got to love cartoons and strips. World is always better when you're smiling or laughing. Some of my many favourite strips were Herman, Far Side, B.C. and Calvin and Hobbes. Come back Bill Watterson, we miss you!

I would try: "Sure, we're reporting profits again, but he thinks it's not a good time to talk about the merger." - if I were a resident of USA or Canada (except Quebec). As many of your readers are not eligible to take part in the contest, it's a shame that dime won't have a chance to travel very far... But the "except Quebec" part is actually funny. If language is a problem, maybe that "Touché!" would now be verboten.

Ebert: Canada except Quebec? How about you have a contest open to the world except New York?

My stupid entry:
"I'd better go change my outfit"

When I was 10 years old, I won a caption contest from Sports Illustrated for Kids. It was one of the more exciting things that had happened to me up to that point of life, and I'll still never forget the feeling of being published that first time - brilliant.

So, here goes:

"Sir, Mr. Sattan is here to see you now."

"Just between you and me, he's still a little touchy about the whole 'apple' thing.

"If you're here, who's running hell?"

I tried to submit last night, but was foiled by phantom tech gremlins...

Cartoon 1:
"Yours was by far the most impressive resumé in the pool."

Cartoon 2:
"Human Observation Mission, Day 257: Apparently, they are as baffled by us as we are by them!"
Or:
"Stuart Little's biological family never managed to escape the mandatory six-month quarantine."
Or:
"Be aware that, as you look into the terrarium, the terrarium also looks into you."

P.S. Michael Bay would add exploding mousetraps into the movie version. And, a high-powered wheel. That explodes.

Cartoon 3:
"Having walked a mile in your shoes, I'm convinced that Jimmy Choo is God."

Cartoon 4:
"What'll three cigarettes, a deodorant shiv and the use of my "wife" get me?"
Or:
"Sigma Delta Pi!
My Fraternals, DO OR DIE!
Pledge to thee, and hie!"
Or:
"Ginger ale, please."
Or:
"Damn! I was aiming for the Steak n' Shake!"

Cartoon 5
"Tonight's guest on Michael Bay's 'Captive Audience' is premier car-wash artist, sometime actress, Megan Fox!"

Yours was bloody brilliant!

Cartoon 6
"I dunno, Joey. These import hybrids have great mileage, but there's just something missing..."
Or:
"Hey! We qualify for the carpool lane!"
Or:
"Ooh! There's a Steak 'n Shake in Kankakee!"

Cartoon 7
"Just call me 'Angel of the Morning After.'"

Cartoon 8 (just submitted it!)
"Lucy, joo got a lot a 'splainin' to do! Hehehe! That never gets old..."
Or:
"Cancel my three o'clock. I'm shooting 18 with Cronkite and Murrow."

Thanks for this! Three million and counting, eh? Fantastic! Rest in Peace, Mr. Cronkite. I wish I'd known you.

"Between you and me...there's nothing to worry about until the last episode of Lost."

Caption for cartoon number eight "I'm actually not here to see good, I was looking for Ambrose Bierce, I've misplaced my dictionary and was hoping he could help me."

Hi Regor,

Regarding this point:

>>>There is no right or wrong about humor. Either you think it's funny or you don't.

Uh, yeah. That's probably where the problem begins.

Recalling the Siskel comment in the other post, we can objectively state that certain jokes are more funny than other jokes. We can also objectively say that someone seems to be much more skilled in one field than in another. And, well, you make a really good film critic, maybe even a compelling social critic, but....

:)

To be fair, I forgot the exact wording of my entry, but it was something like this:

"I don't care who is president now, He is still an old white guy, and you're still red."

M remO

BTW, Roger, have you ever entered the New Yorker's "anti-caption" contests? It's a contest where people submit the worst possible caption imaginable. Here's an example:

http://www.radosh.net/archive/001970.html

Ebert: You know, the funny thing is, with the cartoon about the alien blob, all of the "bad captions" are not bad.

My submission was:

"I don't care if the world turns into one big reality television show, he's still their boss and yours."

I wasn't sure how many I could submit until later. Having found out only one was allowed, I'm glad my first one was pretty good. I still don't think I'll win though. But in my mind, I won. Aside from giving reality shows a nice satirical jab that they need (I think), it is pretty rich with ideas, and also interesting to think of what kind of conversation god and the devil are having about who is really the boss of humanity and should be sitting in that chair.

Ebert: Here you can submit as many as you like.

And all I ever wanted was to get my question posted on the Answer Man. I guess people in hell want ice water.

"I personally think it's an excellent dance routine, but this year's celebrity judge is somewhat particular..."

Good luck Mr. Trebe

I was debating between the following two, and went with the first:

"Don't worry...we have a pretty wide dress code here."

"Oh I see they finally fixed the elevator."

So long as you're doing an Ebert-New Yorker contest, and are suspicious of the official judges, oughtn't you determine the winner?

I feel your pain, Roger. Here are a couple of my ideas. In both the receptionist is speaking.

"If I were you, I'd have worn a tie."

"All right, what did you do this time?"

Roger, you have some solid stuff there.
"Mr. Madoff" -- great.

For the God and Devil cartoon, I've entered this:

"The way things are now, He feels humanity can take it from here."

Every time I read your blogs I have to look up at least two words I don't understand. I am deeply excited for the day when I get all your references sans google.
Great Post!

My entry: “I’m here for an extension on my penance”

Is this what's happening to contemporary journalism?

http://www.webtvhub.com/awkward-ufc-interview-video-ultimate-fighter-dry-humps-ring-girl/

Ebert: Good gravy!

“Wow, the job market must be worst than I thought”

"Riiiiight...and you're with which firm, Mister Satan?"

The rules limit you to one entry per person, so I couldn't use:

"Michael Bay called again. He wants me to make Roger Ebert's head explode."

OR

"No, Lord Voldemort can't win."

OR

"You might wonder why an omniscient and omnipotent entity needs a personal secretary... I guess I'm just eye candy."

OR

"The new Governor of Alaska? Of course it's a promotion."

OR

"Seriously, Jesus, that's not your best choice for a Halloween costume."

My submissions for Cartoon Number Eight:

"You can go in now; but I'm warning you. He's in Good mood."

"He's demanding a prenup. William Blake notwithstanding."

Reading your reviews, Roger, doesn't just inform me about the films I see. You have helped me to see film in fresh new light. Rather than attending a film with a internal demand: "entertain me"; I go now looking for stories and images that can change the way I see the world. Thank you.

Now, I like your captions, but I think you've missed the point with the winning captions for Cartoon # 7. They're all about the eggs.

"I always figured Hell would be less ironic" - what's more ironic than a man nursing an egg for eternity?

"Why did you think angels had wings?" - obviously for the same reason that birds have wings: to warm the eggs.

"It's not the tedium. It's the uncertainty." - boy or girl? healthy chick? where's my wife?

See? All about the eggs.

Ebert: My bad. You're right. But not about "March of the Penguins," although that would not be a requirement.

My submissions for Cartoon Number Eight:

"You can go in now; but I'm warning you. He's in Good mood."

"He's demanding a prenup. William Blake notwithstanding."

Reading your reviews, Roger, doesn't just inform me about the films I see. You have helped me to see film in fresh new light. Rather than attending a film with a internal demand: "entertain me"; I go now looking for stories and images that can change the way I see the world. Thank you.

Now, I like your captions, but I think you've missed the point with the winning captions for Cartoon # 7. They're all about the eggs.

"I always figured Hell would be less ironic" - what's more ironic than a man nursing an egg for eternity?

"Why did you think angels had wings?" - obviously for the same reason that birds have wings: to warm the eggs.

"It's not the tedium. It's the uncertainty." - boy or girl? healthy chick? where's my wife?

See? All about the eggs.

Cartoon # 1:
- I understand you wish to file a complaint against your employer for overcrowding your workspace?

Cartoon # 2:
- This is our market research team. They'll be conducting exit polls for "G-Force".

Cartoon # 4:
- By the by, your cellar is deficient in Beaujolais, my good fellow.

- Okay, okay. Stop me if you've heard this one. A guy digs his way into a bar...

Cartoon # 6:
- Why does everyone keep looking at us so strangely? Look, there's another one!

- At this point, I'd settle for a really deep pot hole.

I had a few ideas for #8.
Starting by focussing on the receptionist, and figuring it's hard to get good help these days:
- Sir? There's a Mr. Satan here to see you. He says he has an appointment.

Or then there's the "gatekeeper" receptionist:
- Look, I understand you're concerned about all the corporate executives you'll be getting in the next few years. But do you really expect me to believe they'll be able to stage a hostile takeover?

- He'll be with you shortly. Please try not to ignite or poke holes in any of the furniture.

Or then there's the political angle:
- You want him to block Sarah Palin from calling you any more?

Roger, I think that many of your entries are probably too elliptical to appeal to the masses. I mean, I get them; most intelligent people will (if necessary after a moment of reflection). But I think that cartoon #3, the thing to hang the caption on is the fact that the man at the bar is wearing high-heeled shoes. None of your captions directly address this. Too subtle for most people.

That may just be projection on my part. I've been accused of having a sense of humour that is too subtle as well.

If one of these win I'll eat my shoe.

"Yes that is a Picasso!"

"That was one hell of a ... oh"

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, but this is just easier."

Roger,

Loved this column.

This was my entry into the current caption contest.

"You know the 'Open Door Policy' ONLY applies to residents.

Good luck and may the best person win.

John

"So your my replacement. Take it from me, don't get romantically involved."

Please tell Mister One-Set-of-Footprints-in-the-Sand that audit is here for the 3:00.

1) "Listen, Beelzebub, I hear what you're saying about wanting to call this whole mess off and make amends, but I am not going to let you put me out of a job in this market."

2) "Um, yeah, about that. See, I was supposed to make the appointment with Baal-zephon, and I suppose I misheard Him. I'm embarrassed."

3) "You put Cerberus's stapler in jello? Man, where do you come up with this stuff!"

4) "So we just wanted to confirm -- this year's inter-office t-ball game is this Sunday, and the wager is ownership over all the souls of the cast of 'Entourage,' right?"

5) "Dude, trust me, it's not one of those 3D pictures. Staring at it won't do anything. Now get out before He sees you here, I don't want Him to know we hang out."

Now to decide which one to submit...

Guatemalans can't enter the contest (sad face).
My entries would be:

"I'm sorry, but He's not in his office yet"

"Sir, Lucy says he's tired of doing outsourcing. He wants a staff job."

I've made a couple of stabs at this contest in the past. I stopped because A. it's a lot of effort for little compensation - they let you vanity-publish your own unpicked caption on a t-shirt! I don't believe it ever gets into the New Yorker, although the print you get if you do win must be nice.

and; B. I'm apparently not very good at it. There are few art forms more difficult to do well than comedy, and it seems the better you do it, the fewer respect you for it. A good one-panel cartoon is the essence of wit boiled down, and I fear that much of the time my captions are too long. That said, here is my overly long quip, not half as good in my own critical eye as at least half the posts here so far, I can see already.

"Nah, he expected you to orchestrate the world financial meltdown. But convincing Mrs. Scheinberg to ignore her Newfie's poop on the sidewalk was just beyond the pale."

See, it has New Yorky references - an apparently normally nice Jewish lady brought to sin; the scourge of citizens who mine the city sidewalks with their large breed dogs' offal; the Wall Street debacle... and the twist about what we'll put up with, but what really drives us 'round the bend. Then again, if I have to explain it... (sigh)

Thanks for the Thurber cartoon references. I love his cartoons and have a couple of books of them. I am less fond of his writing (his gynophobia looks rather pathetic, not to mention one-dimensional, to me in print) than of his cartoons, which rose above the mundane in sly and surprising ways. I've actually made two pilgrimages to his onetime home in Columbus, OH. On the first trip I was annoyed because the house was closed, after I'd gone out of my way and checked repeatedly to make sure I had the right day. The second time was with my mother, who made the discovery that the house I was looking for was actually next door. (Yes, it was marked.) Once I overcame my embarrassment, we had a great time. Statues of his cartoon dogs are in the garden, they have a great deal of memorabilia, and they sell copies of his works in the kitchen, including first editions when they have them.

While you are browsing Youtube, do trip down memory lane with the 1953 classic "The Unicorn in the Garden" which was made into about as faithful an animated film based on Thurber's story illustration and drawing style as is probably possible. I actually much prefer it, for the reasons I mention above, to the original story. It's quite a little gem and captures Thurber's singular style exquisitely.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1teJjX-smdE

Odd side note: does anyone remember the series "My World and Welcome To It"? It wasn't on that long, but it was a favorite of mine as a young child, because even then I was hooked on cartoons, and these, to me, were light-years in wittiness beyond the Saturday morning "Scooby-Doo" and "Speed Racer" dreck. A year or so ago I went looking online to see if it was on dvd; I wanted to watch it from an adult perspective and see if it was as good as I remembered. That was when I found out it had been based on Thurber. How things come around.

Ebert: Thanks. I have added that at the end of the entry, replacing the so-so animation I posted earlier.

"I dunno, maybe it's 'cause you always show up without any pants on."

Oh I nearly forgot -

Ebert: "A shot and a goal, I thought. Mine wasn't even a finalist. None of the three finalists took the eggs into account. They were: "I always figured Hell would be less ironic," "Why did you think angels had wings?" and "It's not the tedium. It's the uncertainty." Sigh."

The third, at the very least, certainly DOES take the eggs into account. Because BIRDS have wings see, so why else would angels have wings, if not to...

The second probably does too, referring to not knowing when they would hatch. I suspect the first does as well, because this is Heaven-like and yet tortuous, involving wearing wings and sitting on an egg - uncertainty and tedium indeed, in a mockery of eternal bliss.

It took a few more minutes, but here's my transformers dig:

"Bay, I think. Something to do with liquid, anyway. Look, I'm sorry too but he just couldn't ignore the numbers anymore. There's an opening in marketing, if you're interested."

I also like this,
"He's not in."

But alas, only one entry allowed :( Blast my gun jumping!

Good luck to you, sir!

Cartoon Number Seven: "Why did you think angels had wings?"

This one does indeed take the eggs into account. It implies that angels, like birds, are hatched from eggs.

Worlds collide! Last night I submitted what was, I think, my third entry to the New Yorker caption contest, and tonight I visited your blog for the first time to see your entry about the same.

My entry for God's watiting room: I decided to skip the Devil and concentrate on the receptionist:

"Oh, just the usual crap. Today he's suicidal because I over-nuked his burrito."

Cartoon Number One: "You left this box empty on your form, but we need to know: Do you prefer the term 'crayfish' or 'crawfish'?"

Cartoon Number Six: "Y'know, if we can just find ourselves a nice, low-hanging tree branch, we won't even have to get out of the car."

I'm just curious why my original comment didn't show up.

The diversity caption for the lobster cartoon was pretty clever haha, I liked it.

I agree with you on the subject of noone really staying up to date with the news.
anyways, I decided to try my hand at the caption contest:
"I'm sorry Mr. O'Reilly, but the boss is in an important meeting with a Mr. Williams at the moment. Besides, we don't rehire former employees with whom we've fired in the past."

Roger, with regards to your blog's technical difficulties, you might have no one to blame but us and yourself. :)

Because of your splendid work, abundant posts, and even more prodigious reader commentary, SixApart (and whatever else you use to hold your writing database together) simply might not be enough to keep itself from falling apart!

Have you talked to whoever is in charge behind the scenes?

Ebert: It was my fault. In revising, I left behind a treacherous "form" tag.

"His eminence will see you now Ms. Coulter."

1) Our loan officer has approved your application for a house in Phoenix, but you'll have to pay points.

2) Sorry to get you out of class professor, but the dean says if you set off the fire alarm again, you'll be suspended

3) When people are waiting to see the big guy, it always seems like an eternity

4) Isn't that funny, I also started out as an economics major, but I couldn't take all that math.

"Don't tell me He thinks global warming is also my fault!!"

Jim, Greece

Is He in a good mood today?
He's a little worried about all the overtime you've been putting in.
Frankly,I don't think you have a chance in hell of getting this position.
so, I see you know Bill O'Reilly.
Thanks Roger. Fun stuff.

"No, Sir, he doesn't have any identification. But he said you might want to think about something you did in sixth grade when the teacher stepped out of the room."

Ciao,

I haven't really quite understood whether posts sent yesterday arrived to you or not, so I'll just resend mine again. I already apologize if this turns my trying to send a comment into a flood (I already tried three times yesterday, noticing that something wasn't right), but it's the last time I send the caption, I promise!

Unfortunately, residing in Italy, I can't participate in the official competition (although I will confess I sent it anyway), but here it is:

"He just wants to establish with you whose side the far right Christians are really on"

cheers,
gabe

Roger,

I can only say that it feels the same way for us never-chosen "Little Movie Glossary" contributers... :-)

Jon Schmid

Ebert: Awww.

I was one of your readers who sent a comment on Friday but noticed there was no THANK YOU FOR COMMENTING sign after submitting it.
I think cartoon #2's characters have quiet a resemblance to Siskel & Ebert so my submission for it would be "3 of them say we vote thumbs up, 1 of them says we vote thumbs down".

"We're out of wood down there"

or

"I heard he got cable"

or

"Man I'm runnin' on 6 kbps here, what is he downloading again?"

You should do a contest just with your readers. My entry will be:

"Be sure to speak up when you get in there. He's a little hard of hearing."

Greedy me, I'll take a run at all of them.

Man interviewing lobster: "If you could be any kind of animal, which one would you choose?"

Researcher looking at mice: "We'll label pair 1 'publish' and pair 2 'perish.'"

High-heeled man in bar: "It may seem clichéd, but 'Be Prepared' was good enough when I was a Scout, and it's good enough today."

Escaped convict in bar: "Stop me if you heard this one: A guy walks into a jail cell, and ..."

Talk show guest: "Of course I wouldn't mind staying for the next segment. Why do you ask?"

Gangster in car: "I tell you, I keep hearing muffled screams."

Guy in heaven: "Storks!? STORKS!!? How naive could we have been?"

Asssitant speaking to Satan: "Sir, I agree with you that technically He's ALWAYS able to see EVERYONE at ANY time, but His Son is visiting for three days, and He's simply not available."

Tiring work.

And three cheers for Thurber! "All right, have it your way--you heard a seal bark!"

Who is Harold Ramis?

Ebert: That is indeed the right question.

"If he is so all-knowing, why is there a couch in the waiting room?"

"When did Peter quit?"

Regarding cartoon seven: It seems to me that both the second and third finalist actually did take the eggs into account.

"Before you go in just let me warn you that His favorite movie is 'Some Like it Hot'".

SATAN TO ASSISTANT:
"He told me tee-off was at 3."

"Two millennia is enough. I'm asking for a raise!"

"What's He doing in my office?"
OR
"He's in my desk again isn't He?"

GOD TO ASSISTANT:
"If Lucifer comes by tell him I'm in a meeting or something."

That's all I have.

"You'll do fine if you're not a yes man. You're not a yes man, are you, Mr. Scratch?"

Roger, you're going to be really upset when all future winners are readers who found out about the contest via your blog!

“We don’t want any.”

“No, He doesn’t want Michael Jackson either.”

“He won the Superbowl pool again. You owe Him twenty bucks.”

“Something tells me you ain’t sellin’ Girl Scout cookies.”

“I know it’s Casual Friday, but could you put some pants on?

“Hello, God? Yeah, I got a guy out here who says he has an act to audition for you. He calls it ‘The Aristocrats.’”

Ebert: I'll bet Satan tells an incredible version of "The Aristocrats."

number four

and i just completed the prison AA program;

number six

no i don't know what they call a quarter pounder in france and I DON'T CARE

I reside in India, which rules me out of the contest, but I could'nt resist this.

SATAN TO ASSISTANT: 'And who am I supposed to do exactly?'

Ebert: Our many friends from India are more than welcome to enter for the shiny new dime.

Well, it'd help your case if you bring him a Decaf Venti Mocha, but not too hot this time.

Another great journal entry Roger. My off-the-cuff remark is that you are too cerebral and you over-think the captions, but perhaps I need to re-read the journal see if you are actually writing with jocundity.

A caption for this whole entry: "...Or maybe I've just been talking to John McCain too much."

Apparently the “touché!” cartoon was originally submitted by Carl Rose. However Ross found it too gruesome and gave it to Thurber to rework, since his people didn’t bleed. Thurber tells the story in his essay about cartooning, "The Lady on the Book Case"

Overcrowding problems again?

im the anonymous poster, from 942am

Here's another lost post from yesterday, and maybe Someone was trying to tell me something, but I've always had problems listening.

My favorite New Yorker cartoons were the ones in which they took a common phrase and represented it in an absurd way. So my entry was:

"Be careful today. He thinks he's God."

"I'm sorry Mr. Cheney, you can't complain to him about universal health care until you put on some pants."

Resubmitted - I was in before the second comment the other day and was crushed when my submission seemed to have been spiked.

After waiting and seeing no other submissions appear I realized that you were a 'tough room' .... or that the site was busted again.

1. "Again, I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband, but I assure you that our hot-tubs operating temperatures are well within federal guidelines."

2. "I guess you were right after all Jim. Mice really *can* develop Stockholm Syndrome!"

3. "Don't let it bother you my dear. Not many women can look as good in heels as I do."

4. "Whadd'ya mean I missed Happy Hour?"

5. Ruth Madoff thought it prudent to take certain precautions on the talk-show circuit.

6. "Used to be we could just leave this sorta stuff out on the curb for the garbagemen..."

"I hear ya', what do we pay our taxes for these days?"

7. "I'm telling you, if these things don't hatch in the next three millennia I say we just dump them in the Garden downstairs and let nature take its course!"

8. ???

There are entire groups of people online captioning (or Capping) all sorts of stuff online in the spirit of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

You'd fit right in with us Mr. Ebert!

It appears my original comment was also lost in the hoary netherworld, so I'll try again.

My favorite New Yorker cartoon of all time was one I haven't even seen: Anne Lamott describes it in one of her novels. It depicts a man being dragged away by two ostriches, shouting "This is RIDICULOUS!" Hee.

My personal caption for the angels would have been "When I signed up for the cherub nurturing program I didn't think it would be this hands on." Eh? Eh?

As for the Supreme Diety Duo:

I know the Casual Friday outlines are confusing, but you are required to wear pants.

Something about your heading that panel on global warming. (many have gone this route,I see)

Look, I don't want to get in the middle. Jesus isn't allowed to hang out with your kid anymore, that's all I know.

Ebert: The one I loved is a crowd gathered around a man lying on the street. The caption (from memory, probably inaccurate):

Stand back, everybody! Stand back! This man has obviously swallowed his nose! I'm a spot-welder! Bring me a bucket of water, a well-trained dog, and a handful of gunpowder!

Darn! Stupid Quebec contest rules prevent me from entering.
Here are a few possible captions I would have entered:
- "Frankly, we're a bit short on legal advice up here."
- "He wants to know if you can put a new spin on that whole Darwin thing."
- "Well Mr. Devil, he needs to see you about some details."
- "He wants to see you about your "special features" version of the Bible."
- "'Fired' is such a harsh word - you were 'voted off'."
- "He wants to know why so many of your Facebook friends are still alive."
- "Smite be better if you came back on Wednesday."

I'll probably think of better ones after I click "submit."

Victim of the treacherous "form" tag. Here's my comment:

"He'd like to encourage you to use your vacation days."

Good luck, little caption.

Well, I guess I'll have to post mine again since it didn't show up.

I did, in fact enter the contest with this entry:

"The circumcision's a nice touch, but it won't win you any points. Trust me."

Cartoon #2 is't you & Gene

"Come on Roger, you've seen the damn movie a lot more times than Ihave. Really.....which one is Ben? "

Cartoon #2 is't you & Gene

"Come on Roger, you've seen the damn movie a lot more times than Ihave. Really.....which one is Ben? "

Roger, that's why I read your stuff and not the New Yorker's. No one can balance intelligence, wit, and down-to-earthness like you (although Mark Twain did come to mind while typing that statement). Something very particular to the midwest, and probably the same reason you are being unfairly rejected by the New Yorker. Well they can go fornicate themselves. They don't deserve you anyway.

Possible mystery contributor? Don't want to blow someone's cover if they don't want that, but I thought I'd given it away with "Crazy? Heck no, we're not crazy. Why? Do we look crazy?"

There's a couple ways to find out who that is, but I'd say ask around among your friends. Somebody's bound to finish the other half of it if you say the first half.

Ebert: Send me a post with the name, which I promise not to publish.

Thanks for this post - it was a blast coming up with a caption. I can definitely see how this can become habit-forming. Here's mine:

"Your son is here to see you...no, the other one"

By the way, I agree that your caption for #7 was spot-on. My haunting suspicion is that someone going through the submissions had to look up the word "manna" and decided it wasn't worth the effort.

The air conditioning is broken. Do you mind, or should we reschedule?

Hi Roger, I was one of the ones who posted but it didnt get up...in the meantime I wanted to see how painful Transformers 2 really was and OMG! Perhaps the best caption for that cartoon would be something along the lines of the Devil asking for copyright permission to show it down under...(and I dont mean Oz). It was like watching a three year old child smashing his tonka trucks into each other for 2.5 hours. and what was with all the teenaged girls in that movie who had nothing better to do than to pretend to be sexual beings for the boys... That felt really creepy. I must have fallen asleep at some point because I never saw the transformer motorcycles/girls or the college guys who were working for his roommate again after their one time appearance. Instead we had the parents with lots of screentime for some reason I have yet to figure out *they weren't there to push the storyline forward as far as I could tell. The only thing I found slightly interesting was how they worked in Shia"s hurt hand...Come on, does this story need this amount of time to tell? I can think of oh one or two thousand other great movies that needed less time to do far more.

I sent a comment about this article as soon as the entry appeared, but it looks like it hasn't showed due to the tech problems! In case it disappeared somewhere into cyberspace, here it is again:

http://slate.com/id/2192564/

It's a Slate.com article by Patrick House, who spent long months studying the New Yorker caption contest, and eventually formulated a strategy that helped to catapult him to victory. The trick, it seems, has very little to do with formulating the FUNNIEST caption - it's all about formulating the perfect NEW YORKER caption. Think about it. You know what he means.

Ebert: Here's his money quote:

Most people who look at the winners of the caption contest say, "I could've done better than that." You're right. You could have. But that doesn't mean you could've won the caption contest—it just means you could've done better. And if your goal is not to win the caption contest, why bother entering? There is one mantra to take from this article, worth its own line break:

You are not trying to submit the funniest caption; you are trying to win The New Yorker's caption contest.

"He said for you to try blogging, not flogging.

For some unexplainable reason -- They've split up into twos. Now what is that telling us? -- is really funny to me.

A few stabs of my own . . .

Cartoon#1 -- And why exactly did you leave your rodeo clown job?

Cartoon#2 -- Before we publish our findings let's see what kind of YouTube reaction we get.

Cartoon#4 -- I suppose a tab is out of the question.

Cartoon#6 -- Would it have killed you to take your precious bicycle out of the trunk?

Thank you Mr. Ebert for informing me of this contest, it sounds fun and I will definitely enjoy it. and to the Thuber cartoon I would caption:

"No honey, I have no idea where our shoes have gone".

Dunno if someone else thought of this, but my entry was..
"No, you cannot borrow any more of our staples."

"You thought Jesus would be tall, skinny, and handsome? Well, sorry for not living up to your expectations, join the club, why dontcha."

"Here to check on me again, eh? I'm here, but I still think that being a receptionist for all eternity qualifies as a cruel and unusual punishment!"

"Mr. Ebert, it's Michael Meved again."

Ebert: That one I have a certain affection for.

A few possibilities that haven't been suggested yet (unless I missed them):

"You can ask, but I doubt if he's interested in cross-training."

"We're restructuring, and they seem to be doing fine without your help."

(With apologies to Mark Twain): "You're saying you'd prefer climate over company after all?"

"A Job for you? After the first one almost lost faith? Sure..."

#8 entry: "I thought they looked like birds too, but he says not to take his work so literally."

Too obvious?

So here goes:

"He's currently not accepting any home refinancing requests for properties based in Florida, Arizona or Hell."

Maybe too topical. Really, I could have referenced any states... or so thinks this unemployed Michigander.

#1 - I like a firm handshake Johnston, your Hired!

#2 - We should have went with the Aluminium Siding. I hate these nosey neighbours.

#3 - This drink tastes a little different.

#4 - Write up the bill buddy, I'll be back in a minute.

#5 - I don't blame you, giant monkeys can be very jealous.

#6 - Wow, ANOTHER yardsale!

#7 - Why doesn't He just miracle souls into being?

#8 - Careful. He's been in a bad mood since November 24, 1859.

Ebert: Number 8 is a winner.

Hmmmm.
My caption for cartoon 8 would be this:
"Look, since the bank forclosed my place, it's hard to make ends meet. Can't you just tell Him that all I need is a letter of reference?"

"I am large; I contain multitudes." I don't understand how that didn't win.

Too heady for the New Yorker?

Resubmit! (Do I remember?)

All for Cartoon Eight:

"You'll have to take a number. Yours is 666."

or

"He's full of Himself today."

or

"You'd better take a seat. Michael Jackson just went in ahead of you."

or

"We don't do tails. That's an elective miracle."

Plastics.

Just thought of another for numbers 1 and 8.

Cartoon 1
"One more frivolous writeup, and I'll have you drawn and buttered!"
Or:
"...so I said, 'Eat me!'"

Cartoon 8
"So, you need more ice skates for the white supremacists?"

"Jimmy! Stop sucking the nectar of human kindness and keep my day moving forward!"

My entry:

"No, you're the only one. Manson, Gacy, and Bundy were here yesterday."

The postal service discourages sending cash through the mail. So how are you going to pay out that shiny new dime?

Ebert: I say I'm going to mail the damned dime, and I say to hell with them,

Ouch! I was really fast on this one -- if the tech glitch was not there.

Caption: I'm terribly sorry -- your appointment is not until 2009 ...

Cartoon Number Eight

"It's really hard to masturbate with my penis on the back side. Okay, he wins."

"Saturday Night Live is over, David Spade. Give that sketch a rest. I thought you worked for me. Can god do that?"

"Me and Hitler aren't too fond of doing that butt-on-butt scene from "Requiem for a Dream." Give me my wings back for the love of god!"

"Can I please have my wings back? It smelt bad enough flying way up above it."

"I'd just like to brag to god again about how I invented, "I know you are but what am I?"

Cartoon Number One

"I knew Jim was jewish, who referred you to us, but this is insane!"

Cartoon Number Two

"You know: when I said I wanted to have a little "Cock-Tail" party at the lab with you, it's because I thought you were also gay."

Cartoon Number Three

"Me and Manny Ramirez buy from the same guy."

Cartoon Number Four

"I don't serve no freakin' rats."

Cartoon Number Five

"Gee, Mr. Letterman, you must be awful strong, since you broke those windows with your little note cards."

Cartoon Number Six

"Oh, my god, I left the groceries on top of the car; we have to go back."

Cartoon Number Seven

"Your fantasies of flight are no longer a fantasy."

Ebert: Some of those are a little too R-rated for the magazine.

I don't know if you entered it, but "If Lady Bird could only see what happened to her campaign against billboards" should have won.

I too was submitting captions to this contest from the beginning. Like you, I never made the finals. Unlike you, I eventually gave up. My best one was for a drawing of a man with a surfboard, running through an office where everyone is in suits and ties. My caption for the man with the surfboard was: "Or is it you who are the crazy ones?"

Patrick House wrote an article for Slate about how to win the caption contest. His advice: don't be TOO funny. http://www.slate.com/id/2192564/ . I made a few more attempts after reading his article, but I guess I didn't scale back far enough on the humor.

Ebert: That explains it. I'm naturally too funny to win.

"Because your resume was scorched beyond all recognition, that's why."

“He can’t be that busy. Have you read the papers?”

"No, you're not getting laid off."

"You again."

I went with, "I know you don't like the costume, but this is prime time cable news and we need to make your stand on the issues clear." I don't like the wording though.

#2 IS you and Gene: "Disney was going to replace us with them if they only had thumbs..."

And for #8, all for the receptionist:

"...you'll have to relocate.."

"Well, I SUPPOSE you could see it as an advancement."

"You think YOU'RE in Hell..."

I want him to do something about Rush, he's ruining the party.

Ebert: Some of those are a little too R-rated for the magazine.

Corrected.

Cartoon Number One

"I knew Jim was jewish, who referred you to us, but this is insane!"

Cartoon Number Two

"And here I am still bald."

Cartoon Number Three

"Me and Manny Ramirez buy from the same guy."

Cartoon Number Four

"I don't serve no freakin' rats."

Cartoon Number Five

"Gee, Mr. Letterman, you must be awful strong, since you broke those windows with your little note cards."

Cartoon Number Six

"Oh, my god, I left the groceries on top of the car; we have to go back."

Cartoon Number Seven

"Your fantasies of flight are no longer a fantasy."

Cartoon Number Eight

"Saturday Night Live is over, David Spade. Give that sketch a rest. I thought you worked for me. Can god do that?"

"Can I please have my wings back? It smelt bad enough flying way up above it."

"I'd just like to brag to god again about how I invented, "I know you are but what am I?"

I don't have any suggestions for the caption contest, but I have 2 favorite New Yorker cartoons: The first shows a young trophy wife, lounging on a chaise in the 1930s. Two obviously wealthy and powerful men are sharing cigars and brandy near her. One says to the other: "I never told her about the Depression. It would have worried her."

The other one is a Thurber cartoon: A woman is on a very old fashioned phone saying to the person on the other end, "Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?" This whole concept seems to encapsulate my life.

Ok, I have 3... Last one: Child in front of a classroom full of students and one elderly teacher. Child says, "And now for my essay on why Mrs Fuller should take retirement this year." The sign on the teacher's desk says "Mrs Fuller" of course... Makes me laugh, every time.

IMO, the NY cartoon contest has gotten silly. The cartoons are so outlandish that they force one to be implausible and wacky. I wish they'd go back to more subtle drawings.

Roger I Know they aren't very good but here goes.
1. "I see you're willing to die a slow death in a pot, our 9 to 5 job is perfect for you"
2. "Don't you think dressing them up like that to prove the theory of evolution is going too far"
3. "I'm only having water, for some strange reason I loose my balance every time I drink"
4 . "Martini, eight olives and a crust of bread, please"
5. "We Got tired of all the suicide attempts into the fake skyline"
6 " God, I hope that doesn't Exacerbate my bunions"
7. "Isn't that what you always wanted? To be gay, have kids of your own and go to heaven"
8. "A strange looking elf to see you Mr. Clause"
and by the way Roger I live in Egypt so will you send me the dime if I win?

Ebert wrote: "Canada except Quebec?"

Yeah, I saw that too! And then I laughed heartily and without remorse - for I live in British Columbia where "we" don't have super nit-picky French only language laws - and for suspecting that might have something to do with it. :)

Keith Carrizosa wrote on July 19, 2009 1:03 AM - "Is this what's happening to contemporary journalism?"

No, that's a portrait of a woman afraid to rock the boat she's on, less she gets tossed overboard for being "too difficult" to work with. And you don't want that - not when you're hoping to parlay a smaller gig into a larger one. Note: Heather Nichols is a small-time television & commercial actress. That said, since that UFC clip went viral last week, she's been getting a lot of free publicity over it.

And it's her life, do whatever you want. I just wish that women wouldn't enable that sort of crap while in pursuit of personal goals. Every time a guy gets away with something, countless others are inspired by it.

Karl wrote: #8 - Careful. He's been in a bad mood since November 24, 1859.

That's when Charles Darwin published "On the Origin of Species"! I had to look it up, as I didn't have the date committed to memory the way Roger does (smile) and it made me laugh too. :)

"...and your name is?"

Done, Rodge, and may you make a good friend. There are some good laffs here, that fit the tones of the drawings too.

This thread has got me thinking... does a cartoonist think up the drawing first then the caption, or the words first, or both simultaneously? I'd hate to ask because I'd hear "all three" and that wouldn't help. But this contest feels a lot like reverse engineering.

1. "Oh wonderful! The singing birthday telegram has arrived! This will definitely top last year's."

2. "You know, for kids!"

3. "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

4. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

5. "I want you to stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave."

Here's my take at cartoon number eight. It's the receptionist speaking.

"So, you're looking for a temp position, hmm?"

"Boy oh boy...you're going to have your hands full when Cheney gets there."

"Can't complain, thanks. How's Betty Sue and the kids?...Well there's strain in every new family, relocating, saying goodbye to old friends, friction in the step-parent/step-child relationship... lake of fire can't be much help either."

"What'da mean Manson's going to Purgatory?...I had dibs on him when he was just a songwriter!"

"I'm not sure...I think He wants to flip a coin to see who gets Bill Maher."

Here are the ones I submitted...

"It's been almost 200 days. Mr. God wants you to return now."

"It's not my place to argue, but if you're so right, then why don't you just evolve into a greater life form than God himself?"

"As you know, democracy is spreading steadily. Our people have spoken with Allah's people and, long story short, we're opening a new branch in Baghdad. God wants you in charge of the Evil division."

"You're watered."

"With all due respect, God would not appreciate the harsh comparison. Also, we have memory foam in our couch cushions."

This is one of the pleasantest blogs you've written. It shows that even Pulitzer winners can't win them all. But your dedication is inspiring.

"I know people have been complaining that hell isn't that hot, but we're just too busy to start another Ice Age right now."

"I just want to explain to him this concept of 'parole'".

"That's what I was just saying to Him the other day. Why wait till 2012? Half the work is already done!"

I admit they are not that witty or funny, but, as you've said about your own lines, they were really fun to write. Thanks for the delicious blog and the inspiration once again.

"Look, last night was great, and all, but you've really got to stop bothering me at work!"

It would appear that my comments from yesterday morning were lost due to the tech glitch? I'm in this to win this, so my suggestions, once again:

- "Oh yes, he's quite found of your 'evolutionary artwork'".

*and*

- "Mr. Hughes is ready to see you now, Senator".

The one from "Mazinger" (July 18, 11:11 pm) is a real winner! "'ora sí me va a chingar" made me laugh my ass off.
Here's mine for #8:
"Sorry, but you're a Quebec resident..."
("Good gravy!" is also very good, though.)

Oh, and for those who are complaining: I have not only been published TWICE in Answer Man, but have also had my chilhood home picture appear on the website! HA-HA! (Whatever happened to that great project, Roger?)

Ebert: Most North American film critics apparently did not preserve photos of their birthplaces.

Oh, fun. I love cartoons. How about "Wrong office, Mr. Dawkins. The masquerade party is down the hall and to the left."

"He's watching Oprah right now, disturb Him at your peril."

"No non-dairy creamer?! 'Oh we don't have lactose intolerance in Paradise'...no common courtesy either, it would seem."

"Yeah, I did see The Hangover...pretty good. Haven't laughed that hard since The DaVinci Code...I don't know why Ron Howard doesn't make more comedies, it really is his forte."

"Okay, I've got a good one...Jesus, Rosie O'Donnell and Kermit the Frog all walk into a strip joint--Hey! Don't give me that look!"

The late, great newspaper cartoonist Corky Trinidad drew two cartoons a day for nearly 40 years. And he always tossed out his first, and sometimes, second, ideas. If it comes too easily, he said, then it's too obvious, and cartoons should make you think.

last post, I swear.

"I hate to be a pest about this Doug...but the pot luck was over two weeks ago, and I still haven't gotten my chafing dishes back."

"It's okay. Jesus thinks people are following him too."

Unrelated matter but in an answer man you said Jack Nicholson won the most acting oscars for a male in history but he in fact tied with Walter Brennan who won three best supporting actor oscars in a short period of time.

"Matisse really knew how to manipulate space, eh?"

"No walk-ins, sir"

"Please don't ask Him what Sarah Palin was thinking."

And just FYI, "except Quebec" is very common in contests open to Canadians. It's not a language thing, but because Quebec has a government agency with its own set of requirements for running contests and lotteries. Many companies simply exclude Quebec rather than working through the extra paperwork. (You'll be happy to hear that your ten-cent prize is not lucrative enough to bring on the scrutiny of "the Régie", though you may still have to fend off the postal service.)

Ebert: So "The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio" can never have a sequel shot in Quebec--at least not an upbeat one.

Hello. I entered the contest a number of times regularly in high school and then unsubscribed during college when I felt the fiction went downhill. I always liked the cartoons. For June 20th's contest, off the top of my head:

"Is that a Matisse?"
"Do you have any sugar?"
"Is there a lost and found?"
"I'm here with your new IKEA desk"
"My office is never this empty."

It's always a pleasure reading your criticism.

So it's not about being funny...it's about being more New Yorker? Sigh. As a coarse, unsophisticated Midwesterner, I don't stand a chance.

I focused on the Devil's shadow:

"Don't be embarrassed: if I were in your shoes, I'd wet myself too."

"So he DOES exist."

Roger you had me laughing out loud with your captions to the lobster and mob cartoons (I hope it didn't wake my roommate). Thank you for everything you do!

"That's a great Jon Lovitz impression. Mr. Michaels will see you shortly."

Ebert: My entry in today's new contest, #201:

"Of course I'm right here in India."

Tom Dark wrote on July 19, 2009 6:13 PM - "This thread has got me thinking... does a cartoonist think up the drawing first then the caption, or the words first, or both simultaneously? I'd hate to ask because I'd hear "all three" and that wouldn't help..."

It depends on the cartoonist!

Gary Larson for example, was all about twisted black humour and ironic observations of life and often seen from the perspective of bugs and animals; occasionally aliens too, chuckle!

Ooo, show & tell! A clip from "Tales From the Farside II" - I inked the words "Nature's Symphony" and the waving grass, one of the lions, the lady in the red dress who climbs the tree. I think I painted some of the cels too....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAZTnjRihfo

Which isn't the same thing as being an editorial cartoonist - as then, you're handed a topic and a deadline; case in point - Jean Plantu, the most famous French editorial cartoonist, has worked for Le Monde since 1972. And Joel Pett is cartoonist for the Lexington Herald-Leader and winner of the 2000 Pulitzer Prize for editorial cartooning... and they explain how they work...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oE3EQx9kGog

As for me, it always starts with an idea first and then I begin to draw. Otherwise, you're just making pointless lines (driving around in circles) - which can be therapeutic in a trippy sort of way, while wasting both time and paper. :)

For contest #201, my entry:

"This'll show 'em."

"The DEVIL, you say?"

"Thanks for stopping by. He just saw the DVD of TRADING PLACES and he wants to do an experiment."

"You ought to lay off the tanning booths for a while, Pal."

"He told me to tell you he'd come to your next barbecue if you promise not to let Nixon use the karaoke machine."

"He's talking merger. What do you think?"

"Forget it. 'Nya nya nya nyaaaaa nya' is not a legitimate message."

Ebert: My entry in today's new contest, #201:

No. No. Look..I have no problem with the location and view from my office. But can you do something about the air conditioning?

Marie Haws,

"And it's her life, do whatever you want. I just wish that women wouldn't enable that sort of crap while in pursuit of personal goals. Every time a guy gets away with something, countless others are inspired by it."

Yeah. I just read an interview she did afterwards and she said that she did research and there was another interview where he did this, and she still didn't expect it. Here's the youtube video of that one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKVeBOCPpGU And the interview: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/writers/jimmy_traina/07/09/heather.nicholes-not-happy-with-rampage-jackson/index.html I find this sort of thing extremely disturbing, because I think it might even be one step below sexual assault. I think that sexual predators and their kind of mindset like to test a person's limits to maybe make it seem okay in their mind, perhaps, or, what I think, is to see how much strength a person has because they go after the weak and scared. And in the words of James Toback, "I think there are scores that must be settled, and people who makes excuses for their own allowance of being violated do tremendous damage to their own spiritual integrity. They cannot in honesty feel good about themselves knowing that they let some scumbag harm them or someone they cared about." This was from the documentary, "The Outsider", about James Toback and his making of the film, "When Will I be Loved." Roger is in it. Here's the movie: http://www.snagfilms.com/films/title/the_outsider/ It's great.

I was watching Walter Cronkite on Larry King and he kind of inspired what I said(although, I saw the video on "Jimmy Kimmel Live"), which was basically that journalism is being screwed. Here's the quote from this transcript http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0103/09/lkl.00.html:

"This is part of a budget cut situation, they do not have the bureaus overseas they used to have. They pulled their coverage overseas so that we only get one basic coverage. It's a disaster. We are a leading country in the world today, perhaps the leading country, as we believe we are, what we decide to do in foreign affairs is going to make a difference whether there is war or peace.

That little smoke rising from some small town in a country we never heard of before could turn into a mushroom-shaped cloud if we are not very careful, and if we don't cover the story from the beginning, it can suddenly explode on us.

That happened, as a matter of fact, in Iraq. We weren't covering Iraq and the Kuwait situation. If we had been covering it, we might never have had to go to war in that part of world. We weren't covering it, and that's a serious matter.

It's a good interview. I didn't know much about Walter Cronkite until the past few days, and I can see he was a great man.

Ebert: You are a skilled URL Detective.

I posted a comment when they weren't working, but I just wanted to thank you for reminding me how much fun the Caption Contest is.

I entered the contest and posted this caption yesterday, but still don't see it anywhere here, so perhaps I goofed! Anyway, thought I'd give it another go: "Mr. O'Reilly just THINKS he's God."

As for former New Yorker cartoons, I remember my grandparents telling me about one of their favorite NY cartoons (probably from the 1940's or 50's). Two hippopotamuses are standing next to each other and one says to the other, "I could have sworn it was Thursday."

I posted a comment when they weren't working, but I just wanted to thank you for reminding me how much fun the Caption Contest is.

Your blog and rogerebert.com have been must reads for awhile now.

Ebert: My entry in today's new contest, #201:

"Of course I'm right here in India."

A "Sita Sings The Blues" reference?

Ebert: No, a reverse outsourcing joke.

Ebert: My entry in today's new contest, #201:

"Of course I'm right here in India."

A "Sita Sings The Blues" reference?

Ebert: No, a reverse outsourcing gag.

Here's mine for the new one. Thanks for the new addiction...

"Lois! I think Perry knows about my other job!"

(Please note that im re-posting my comment because i thought it might have not have been posted because of the computer error. If you didnt want to post my comments then im sorry for the re-post.)

For the 1st cartoon i would caption: "Im sure we have the perfect position for you in the employ cafeteria"

For the sixth cartoon i would caption: "he is just trying to get enough loot to get to Pismo Beach"

and

"I made a wrong turn at Alatra...i mean Albuquerque, yeah thats, it Albuquerque"

and

"Screw Pismo Beach this is good enough for me."

(Im sure that ones classy enough for the New Yorker right...)

oh i forgot you have to kiss their intellectual a%$ (their has to be a pun in their somewhere) to get in so i would caption cartoon four:

"He is liberated but he did not find liberty. Civility the true captivity."

(As is often the case...Not very funny but still very high brow and intellectual...i guess)

And before you ask the person that wrote that was me and yes i really do fill that way.

Also, i know that im not one of your "typical" readers but even though we have much differt taste in movies i do enjoy reading your reviews.

(Sometimes it can be just as entertaining as seeing a good movie in and of its self. And you have gotten me to see movies that i would not normally have bothered to see. For example, "A night to rememeber" is now one of my favorotive movies)

So i would like to think you for giving me something to focus on in some hard days in my life and i know this is late but i do wish you the best.

Also, i would recommend a list of about five or so movies i think you should see..but i dont think that you would enjoy watch them that much so im not going to bother.

Contest # 201:

"I can see Russia from here."

I was continuing to be there pseudonomously, partially due to the apprehesion of fame (+ or minus) if not the dread of immortality. Often near the top of the string due to time zones. And at times the net becomes a luxury and indulgence in terms of time. As Robert Frost said in those lovely lines, one must avert from the deep dark glades and push oneself towards the promises one owes. You are a person I have more than met since proximity by itself has little meaning--- a pert of my life. I've not missed out on a single post nor failed to write a commenent or two, and intend same in future, even if perhaps under a easily recognisable pseudonym. My prayers, wishes, regards,gratitude( not least for being a reliable pathfinder in the enchanted world of film) and admiration for always brandishing that V sign.

"The fortitude to fight on through to the very end-this strength is not only the basis of happiness, it is also the force by which social wrongs can be righted."...Daisaku Ikeda

Ebert: I received an "anonoymous" quote from Daisaku Ikeda and knew it was you. :)

I'm Peruvian, so I can't enter my captions. But here are some ideas I had for the Satan/God one:

"I don't get this painting either, but HE just adores it"

"I'm sorry. We are not hiring right now, but feel free to leave your resume"

"HE's kind of bussy right now. He's posting on Roger Ebert's Intelligent Design entry."

If anyone wants to enter any of these very funny captions, please feel free to do so.

Looks like the contest is over, here is the one I sent in:

"I know they’re having trust issues right now, but his son can’t stay at my place. Tell him they’ve got three days to work it out, or J.C.’s out on the street."

Is the New Yorker big on crucifixion humor? I don't know...

P.S. Hey Roger, I wasn't really a fan of critics until I started reading your reviews. You obviously know a lot about cinema and care deeply about it, and your appreciation for comedy shines through most of what you write. Anyway, just saying thanks, and keep up the great work on the blog and your reviews.

P.P.S. I'm completely convinced you would have won had you submitted your "Would you be willing to start at the bottom?" caption.

P.P.S. Have that dime ready to go.

I'm not submitting this to the paper but I thought you'd get a kick out of it.

"I'm sorry sir, the Hurt Locker is not available...but the big man has agreed to send down all of the company copies of Transformers 2."

OK, Roger. I'm taking your challenge. My entry for #201:

"I heard what you're saying, but Human Resource work is more complicated these days."

With the new Rooftop Office picture, I submitted:

"Shelly? Could you close a window, please? The applicants are complaining about a slight draft."

I was going to make the tie joke, but "Brandon S." already made it. :( I was pondering whether or not to pay homage to Young Frankenstein and phrase it "I suggest you put on a tie!"

Here's a question to ponder: Who are the New Yorker judges? Do they really have dedicated staff members who pour through all the submissions, or do they just go through whatever they have time for in between associate editor duties? Either way, that Red Lobster one couldn't have been the best one they read.

When the icecaps start melting, they won't think I'm so crazy.

OR

I call it my 4-corner office.

OR

My board of directors got nervous when I said "Outside the box," so I changed it to "On top of the box."

I love the New Yorker cartoon contests. It's always fun to be a smart-alec and send them my own punchline, even though they haven't published mine yet. Perhaps they misunderstand my sense of humor and take the line literally. Perhaps I'm just too smart for them. Yeah, that's it.

Anyway, here's my cartoon entry; it's the same punchline for every New Yorker cartoon, in fact:

"This cartoon sucks."

#201, if I entered the contest: "I was told every office gets two filing cabinets."

[Resubmitting because you said comments were down, which I didn't pick up on at the time; possibly you just didn't publish mine, in which case feel free to ignore it again!]

You're right that there's no right or wrong answer in humor, but as far as cartoon seven goes, aren't all of the three finalists' captions indeed about the eggs?

"What d'you mean where in India--it may be Mount Everest?"

Ebert: S. M. Rana! Where...have...you....been?

I saw this too late to put up an entry but mine is:

"Hey, the recession has hit us all hard.

For #201:

"Mr. Trump, I didn't quite have this in mind when you said I'll get an office with a view."

Maybe I'm missing the point:

“What do you see when you look at me?”
"God stooped underneath the fountain of youth growing older by the second."

#201: Note to self...need a paperweight.

For #201:

"Mr. Parker had to leave early so I have a few minutes before Ms. Poppins' 2:30"

Apparently my initial post for your cartoon 8 didn't make it. I was wondering if your mentioning of 3 million visitors in this entry was more than chance and whether the judges would notice a change in the number of submissions:

"Wait here a moment, captions from Ebert readers are still coming in"

"Yes, I understand why you're nervous, but I assure you, He will keep in mind that you died on Halloween."

For #201 -

"I'm not sure about the Feng Shui."

Ebert: A nice one.

My Favorite New Yorker cartoon / caption:

Teen-age girl sitting on her bed, talking to her mother:

"Of course I blame you for everything, whose fault is that?"

For contest #201

Unfortunately, when the credit crisis hit, Bob realized his new office space held other, more tragic temptations.

Too dark?

"Yes, it's true that He can make a paperweight so big, He cannot move it."

"Sorry I'm late for the meeting. I was buying Roger Ebert's soul in exchange for letting him win the New Yorker caption contest."

Ebert: Too realistic to win.

My favourite caption was for the lobster cartoon (Would you be willing to start at the bottom?). And my favourite non-cartoon was the "Taunting of Marie Haws".

My attempt for the caption contest: "Because apparently you play well to the 18 - 34 demographic."

I've had a similar frustration with the weekly Top Ten Contest on the David Letterman web-site. I was published once for "Top Ten Surprises in the New Star Wars Movie" (Number 4: First Rebel Alliance? All Trekkies.) But often I find myself reading through the list feeling rather vexed and overlooked. For instance, and you can judge for yourself from this week's contest whose results don't include any of my three submissions, the topic was "Top Ten Signs Americans Are Becoming Overweight".

Mine:

- Aspen now below sea level.

- The "G" in GNP now stands for "Gravy".

- America now officially dependent on foreign cotton.

After reading this blog post one more occured to me, but alas it was too late to include:

- Roger Ebert is now the thin one.

Ebert: And:

Video games now considered form of exercise

Bicycles with big tires making comeback.

Smart Cars offered with heavy-duty suspension.

Big Gulp now sold as Regular Size.

Airlines require passengers to pay luggage surcharge on selves.

Cartoon #1- I realize where you are going if you don't find a job, but I don't think you're cut out to be an Administrative Assistant.

Cartoon #4-Really? They made a movie out of Rita Heyworth and the Shawshank Redemption? That's my favorite book.

Cartoon #6-I know we're forgetting somethin'. You brought the map to the resevoir, right?

Cartoon #8-I don't care how realistic the trailer to '2012' looks, He is still not telling when the Apocalypse is happening.

"You're fired."

ooo, another one:

"Pay no attention to that man behind the door."

For #201

"Please tell Mr. Jones that when I said I wanted 'A Room with a View' I was talking about the DVD."

Sorry, but the position's just been filled.

(I tried to enter this one, but a new photo was up today)

"Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste."

It's not funny, so it might just win.

"Don't get me wrong, the Big Guy loves the work, but could you tone it down just a wee bit?"

My earlier post either got lost in cyberspace, or you really didn't like it and you deleted it. I'm hoping for the former, and I will do my best to recreate its contents...

I really liked your Madoff caption, and all of your cartoon 1 captions were way better than the winner. Here's my $0.02:

1- They said I'd have to start here and claw my way to the top.
2- They were just supposed to grow human ears.
3- This drink makes me feel like a lady.
4- Hey, buddy, why the long face?
5- I didn't want to be all cagey in this interview, but you leave me no choice.
6- Yeah, I can see a lot better now that you moved the hood ornament.
7- Who knew so many people wanted to get laid when they got to Heaven?
8- Thank you for responding to our add for a garden groundskeeper, He's ready for your interview.

Ebert: No posts were deleted. But the posting on this specific entry shut down for awhile because I goofed on a wayward URL tag.

I sometimes use another wonderful Thurber cartoon, captioned "Perhaps THIS will refresh your memory!" as a litmus test of someone's sense of humor. People either love it, or are completely mistified.

On my earlier post i meant the forth cartoon not the sixth

Just sos I can be in contention for that dime, my official New Yorker entry was this:

"Tell him he's just got to come over this weekend for salmon, blackened on the Lake of Fire."

With a little hope, it will be bland enough for the New Yorker.

I too hold a certain affection for my Michael Medved caption.

Cartoon #8:
"Thank you for making the long trip; Jackson's been under His desk for the past month."

Alas, I was too late to post it for the contest. However, I did post for contest #201:
"A secret can only go so long when your wife is also your CEO."

Needless to say, I'm having a lot of fun with these, so I signed up as a regular Cartoon Caption Competitor thanks to this blog post.

Good Luck, Roger!
Josh

Hi Senor Ebert.
caption #201
"I still don't see my name tag on the door"

I used to enter the Caption Contest every week, but became discouraged and stopped, particularly after seeing some of the ones that win. For the record, I think your captions are funnier than the winners.

Ebert: According to the article from Slate mentioned above, funny captions have a smaller chance of winning.

Here's mine for #201:

"Well, it's better than being downsized."

Simple, topically relevant, tepid. I think that covers all the bases.

Win or lose, it's playing the game that's fun. I just checked out the first page of captions for the last posted winner, the one with the jet in high heels(CAPTIONS FOR CONTEST #197)... they all cracked me up.

Bang bang! Aardvaak's back! Now where that paleface Roger Ebert?

Ebert: Which one is this for?

for #201

yeah the pay is great but this company really hates second-hand smoke

For #201: Hey, Hon, I finally GOT that Corner Office.

Contest #201:
"Oh sure, go ahead and replace me. But I'll tell you this: a green roof will never calculate your expense reports!"

Mine for #201:

When I said I couldn't take the emptiness of life in a cubicle any longer, this isn't what I had in mind, boss.

For cartoon number 3: "David Lynch was my father. My mother was a swan's umbrella. I think I look more like her."

Hey, at least you can think of captions. I can never think of any, and I've subscribed for years.

ok last one for caption #201,

Think outside the box.

“How can it be my fault when it’s his will?”

"C'mon, I spent the whole weekend with his son!"

"This indifference routine may work for 3 billion people, but you can't use it on me."

"Take it up with HR."

"I'm just looking for a new Job."

Ebert: ow about:

"Know him? We just spent 40 days and nights in the desert together!"

I gave up on these things a long time ago when I realized that everything I thought of was proabably being thought of, in more or less the same language, by thousands of other entrants. In other words, I always seem to go for the obvious, and none of it was suitably New Yorker-y. I did send in a caption for number six, but it only reflected my disgust with the whole enterprise: "Blah blah blah, something about the Hamptons, blah blah blah."

I continue to look at the new drawing, but nothing even comes to me anymore. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result ... well, maybe we should all just stop.

cartoon #8:

Yes, he knows your life has been hell lately. He says he still won't bail you out.

#1. "He says he's here to talk about sueing Michael Bay for misrepresentation."

#2. "Yeah, I know it's a stupid picture, but my son drew it. You know how it is..."

#3. "Make sure to tell him he's been losing weight."

#4. "You could have at least put on a tie."

I think your blog entry put the New Yorker Web site on overload last night. I couldn't get through.

Cartoon Number One:
"That's not what the casting call meant when it referred to lobsterbacks."

Cartoon Number Two:
"This isn't quite what I meant when I asked you to order laboratory rats."

"I think you're beginning to anthropomorphize too much."

"This isn't actually how we train lab rats."

Cartoon Three:

"So after walking a mile in your shoes..."

"When I was doing my medical residency, I thought they asked if I wanted to be reassigned to surgery and not reassignment surgery."

Cartoon Four:
"You need a photo ID? Will you accept an FBI Most Wanted poster?"

Cartoon Five:
"I thought they asked if I wanted to work at a bar instead of behind them."

Cartoon Six:
"Where's da body. Did you forget da body again? Who cares if you left your coffee on the roof of the car."

Cartoon Seven:
"He's been a fan of Morgan Freeman since 'Bruce Almighty" and loved 'March of the Penguins.' St. Peter said it's only a phase. Wait another hundred years..."

Cartoon Eight:
"I'm sorry. We've had to reject your request for an account with Prada."

"You aren't here to gloat about Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Robert DeNiro and Tim Curry again? Since Morgan Freeman, He's almost gotten over the George Burns thing."

Ebert: We're swamping them with quality. They'll all bust guts laughing.

#201

This would be the perfect office if pedestrians stopped complaining to management about the bathroom.

By Ryan in Tucson (formerly just Ryan, but I see there are others now) on July 19, 2009 2:21 AM

I've made a couple of stabs at this contest in the past. I stopped because A. it's a lot of effort for little compensation - they let you vanity-publish your own unpicked caption on a t-shirt! I don't believe it ever gets into the New Yorker, although the print you get if you do win must be nice.

Hey, I think Ryan in Tucson is on to something. I checked the New Yorker's online store and there is indeed a section that allows you to reprint your caption of choice with the original cartoon, on either:

1. A downloadable image that can be used as a computer desktop for $9.95.

2. A t-shirt for $29.95.

3. A framed print for $49.95.

Now, if I REEEEALLY wanted, I could just copy the New Yorker's cartoon of the week from the site, open up Microsoft Paint, paste it in, paste my soon-to-be rejected caption underneath it, print it out, frame it, and hang it on my wall. For $49.95 extra, I could do the same... but this time, it would come in a pretty box FROM THE NEW YORKER. And I notice that the link to this section of the site appears not under the current week's contest, not under the finalists, but under the WINNERS list.

I think the New Yorker is hoping that all the also-rans will look at the inferior claimants of the gold prize and impulsively shell out nearly 50 bucks for a sweet reminder of What Might Have Been. Is the entire caption contest but a plot to drum up sales, forcing readers to come back week after week, like lab rats pushing the little lever in hopes of receiving the pellet at last?

Hey, what if they're INTENTIONALLY publishing unfunny captions so that EVERYONE will think they have a chance at winning? No one would enter if the captions were impossibly brilliant, but as-is, everybody looks at the magazine and says, "Oh, come on! I can do better than that!"

Of course you can. It's what they WANT you to think. The New Yorker cartoon contest is to the intellectual mind what a worm on a hook is to a fish. It keeps you coming back EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK.

Ebert: Do they at least put their logo on the merchandise?

Maybe I could sell T-shirts showing your reviews, published on my website. But only on your T-shirt, of course, not in the actual website.

I know I'm a day late and a dime short, but I didn't see this until this morning. What an excellent treatment for my brevity problem.

1 - "Can I borrow your pen?"

2 - "What do you think - Heredity or Environment?

3 - "They're nice, but you should see the handbag..."

4 - "Just put it on my tab."

5 - "The bars? They keep out the Sarah Palin protesters."

6 - "Mirror... Signal... Head check..."

7 - "Got any more of that Preparation H?"

8 - "I don't see you on my list - Can I tell him who's calling?"

For the newest photo I entered the following:

"I thought they said outsource."

"Human resources errs even in heaven."

Mr. Ebert:
I'm sorry that I did not read your post yesterday, a day I also forgot to submit my entry to _The New Yorker_. Here is what my caption would have read, presupposing that God's receptionist is talking to Him: "Your disciplinary appointment is here; do You want to deal with him, or should I send him to your son?"

For the Devil one:

"I'm sorry, sir, he just stepped out to lunch."

"Listen, nobody's trying to make a scapegoat out of anyone."

For #201:

"Well, I guess technically it's a corner office..."

"You should see how many people work beneath me."

Ah, I see Gary in Phoenix kind of beat me to one of them. I have a lot of respect for comedy writers. It ain't easy.

#201: "Well, the stock market continues to trend downward, and apparently I fit some kind of profile."

I think this is what an idiot would say:

"I'm sorry Mr. Obama. He's now concentrating all his services on Americans."

I'm not sure how I feel about this one:

"I very seriously doubt he was joking and unless you can get him to put it in writing, the abortionists are staying where they are."

The Devil to God's secretary: "I just got back from 'Transformers,' and I want to apologize."

My vote for best contribution so far is from Jamie:

"He wants to see you about that 'Family Guy' nomination."

I would've specified "Emmy" but otherwise...perfect. This spectacularly unfunny animated show gets a nod and "The Simpsons" gets snubbed for almost twenty years?! Diabolical!

Reply to: I remember my grandparents telling me about one of their favorite NY cartoons (probably from the 1940's or 50's). Two hippopotamuses are standing next to each other and one says to the other, "I could have sworn it was Thursday."

Reply to: Ebert: According to the article from Slate mentioned above, funny captions have a smaller chance of winning.

The article talks about a "Theory of Mind."

As children, we all assume that we are the center of the universe. Then, slowly, we begin to realize that other people are like us. Even the dullest corporate employee sees himself as the center of a different universe, and people only speak a small percentage of their thoughts.

Article: To date, 136 out of the 145 caption contest winners (94 percent) fall into the "theory of mind" category.

Also, the contest judges don't like Brand Names. To market a movie, it helps to think in Brand Names. "Zorro." "Harry Potter." "Spider-Man." "The Lord of the Rings." "Godzilla." Entries that use Brand Names to create the humor don't seem to do very well.

"As I sit here on the roof, I can't help thinking about the City of New York. And how thousands of human beings leave the city every night, and leave behind their garbage, excretions and junk. And it all decays into the same universal stench. And every night after I go home, thirty pigeons hold a crapfest on my desk."

I'm not sure if they'll take "... and then thirty pigeons hold a crapfest on my desk."

Or, this office is used for job interviews, where applicants have to sit with their back to the precipice. Some are older and have lost their jobs to outsourcing or downsizing. Some are college graduates wondering if they should go back for an advanced degree. Do they have an inner dread that makes them forget where they are?

"My bottom drawer has six kilos of C4, in case we have to destroy the evidence."

"I used to stare up at the skyscrapers and wonder, who's up there?"

I suspect a winning caption will reveal something insightful about your own personality. Are you an incurable optomist? Do you see sunshine when everyone else sees rain? That's the kind of guy I see working on a roof.

I'm not an incurable optomist. I have issues. I have to step outside myself and try to imagine what a middle-aged guy working in New York would feel when he sits behind a desk on the roof of a skyscraper.

"I can do anything up here. I can write a novel. Compose a symphony. Interview Robert S. McNamara."

But the winning captions (that I've read) focus on the mundane. The minutia. ie, the day of the week.

I'm never going to win this contest... but now, occasionally, I might daydream about sitting behind a desk on the roof. And try to forget it's covered with fresh pigeon white sauce.

"My secret recipe? It's either blue cheese dressing or pigeon crap."

For #201:

Honey, my new green office has great natural light.

“Armageddon is just not in this year’s budget.”

Who's the famous film director? just curious.

Ebert: You will find the name somewhere above in the form of a reader's Jeopardy answer.

Mine for #201 is : "Yes, that's a pastrami on rye with a side of potato salad and a bag of chips. Do you make deliveries by helicopter?"

For me, your first four lobster jokes were laugh out loud funny. Your others were hit and miss. It's hard to believe your lobster jokes didn't make the cut.

#8: "I'm sick of being in the details, tell him I want to move up to the big picture."

C'mon...
There's only one correct answer for #8, the classic line:

"Man... you've really done it this time!"

For Cartoon #8:

"I'm afraid not. Our parachutes are strictly of the 'golden' variety."

Deadline for entries was yesterday, alas.

"He already told you, Ms. Priestly, there are no more Harry Potter books."

Darn, posted days ago, but nowhere to be seen. Lemme see if I can remember mine:

Real quick, before you go in there - a lawyer, a priest and you walk into a bar ...

Uh, Mr. Anderson ... do you know a naked red guy with horns?

Uuuuumumumumumummmm, you're in so much trouuuuuuble!

C'mon, God, at least it's the devil you know.

Another thing: Wasn't Obama quoting you the other night when he told the NAACP conference something along the lines of "We need to return to the days when even though it's a neighbor's kid you see acting up, and you whoop 'em anyway"? Jon Favreau must have read your "Free-Range Children" post.

When can Marie Haws, Keith Carrisoza, Stanley Dancer, SM Rana, Bill Hays, Randy Masters, Paul Marasa, Ron Barth and Yours Truly expect our royalty checks? :)
1: "Yes, but how fast can you type?"
2: "The one in the corner who just looks thankful to be there? I named him Ringo."
3: "The sign read 'Formal Attire Required,' and I was wearing my flats."
4: "What will it be today, Mr. Libby?"
5: "I'll answer any questions, bar none."
6: "The sign read 'Formal Attire Required,' and he was wearing flats."
7: "You know what the greatest thing about Heaven is? The little surprises. Like the boulders, for instance. You might be surprised to discover they are both incredible and edible."
8: "He's got some clarifications for you, Mr. Behe."

Ebert: When I mentioned this blog had just passed the three million visit mark, I neglected to add that you and the names you mention accounted for two million of those.

S. M. Rana grew so modest about his fame he started posting anonymously. That's too modest.

Of course the three mil is for the blog only. It's a tiny fraction of the visits on the awesome main web site. Think a quantum particle and a molecule. That will help you visualize.

Well, I had to try 201 since everyone else was doing it!

"I know they said open-air plan, but this is ridiculous."

Okay, it's not the funniest--but that should give me a fighting chance, apparently.

My entry wasn't outside the box, nor was it nearly as funny as at least two dozen seen here. Maybe it'll win:

"He's not gonna order any more deviled eggs, until you finally explain to Him this thing called rock and roll."

Loving the responses. I must have missed the deadline for the devil caption; I’ll take a stab at the next one. Gotta try for that shiny dime.

My personal favourite cartoon of all-time comes from Gary Larson. It shows the inside of a refrigerator with a bowl of food holding the ketchup bottle at gunpoint. The caption reads: “When potato salad goes bad.” Somehow it just speaks to my odd sensibilities.

I’m afraid my captions aren’t nearly as clever, but here goes….

2 thugs in the car:
“There’s something you don’t see every day. The World’s Largest Ball of String.”

Man wearing women’s shoes:
“Revenge. My ex-wife got the car, the house and my dignity. I took all her damn shoes.”

Laboratory:
“I don’t think this study is going the way we planned. Yesterday they threw the cheese at me and etched ‘cholesterol kills’ into the glass.”

Angels sitting on eggs:
“The last thing I remember was standing in the delivery room next to my wife and saying, “Come on honey, how difficult can it be? Man up and push.”

Devil at the office:
“I know you’re disappointed, but the temp we hired to take care of his schedule is a bit dyslexic. The Big Guy asked her to invite Santa to lunch.”

This is the greatest thing ever. How have I gone my entire life without knowing about this contest?! Thanks, Roger....you've now subjected me to a lifetime wondering why I didn't win!!

#1:
65 words per minute, very nice...

#2:
In addition to feeding us and cleaning for us, the humans have now started to dress like us, our experiment is almost complete.

#3:
Actually, I would like to walk a mile in your shoes.

#4:
Do you accept cigarettes?

#5:
For the first time ever fimled in captivity, the sardonic talk show host performs the ritual interview with the ditzy actress....observe.

#6:
Look, another Starbucks closing...this place really is going downhill.

#7:
Imagine how bad cloud 1 is?

#8:
Actually, we already have insurance, thank you.

Contest #201:

- Roger always went over the boss's head.

Roger, I've noted with appreciation your frequent interest in India, and this time your outsourcing cracks hit close to home. Having lived in Bombay for the last four years, I've become accustomed to just about everything but the senses of humor I encounter. As the rest of the country zooms and leapfrogs, comedy is stuck firmly in the Archie and Veronica era, with a lingering whiff of Wodehouse (nothing against him, mind you).

Kids, the anglophone ones anyway, are weaned on a comic named Tinkle Digest. (The name itself is pretty hilarious in a gross-out kinda sense, but I'm the only one who gets it! There's also a Tinkle Fortnightly For Children.) It's pretty thin gruel, mostly weak puns and switcheroos, so it's no surprise that adults gravitate to insult humor (e.g., Friends) and slapstick. Look out... Munna Bhai is coming to Amerika soon.

To generalize a bit further, it's rare to find someone here willing to serve as the butt of a joke. Even though your joke (the earlier one) came at the New Yorker's expense – or I may be so desensitized to sarcasm that it went straight over my head – it would likely offend or confuse Indians to find themselves in a punchline.

But the compensations of India are plentiful and ubiquitous, like the Thums Up you mentioned a few posts back. If you and Chaz ever make it to this side of the world, we will stage a sensational rendition of Sholay for you. And you can save the postage on that dime...

Ebert: As I have mentioned before, the owner of an English language bookstore in Calcutta (Kolkata, but Calcutta is more English) told me his best-selling author, by far, is Wodehouse.

I especially like the Blandings castle books, including Wellbeloved the pig keeper.

Roger,

I missed the entry deadline for Satan meeting the receptionist for God but was able to enter the caption contest that is being run through July 27.

The guy sitting at his desk on the top of the building while talking on the phone..."Honey, remember when I told you they offered me a corner office with a view?"

Might be too obvious but is still pretty funny.

"How's the morale up HERE?"

Javier Hurtado,

"HE's kind of bussy right now. He's posting on Roger Ebert's Intelligent Design entry."

Who told you?!...I mean, I...hate...that Darwin chap.

"Did you let Him know it's not a *hostile* takeover...?"

No offense to anyone - but with respect only to the art-form, a cartoon should *not* have multiple captions!

Like the great "Touche!" you note above, it should be the mots-juste, and not a picnic for any line that fits. It should be a marriage, no, of the words and picture?

Thinking of several lines for the same picture is not "wit", it's doubting your first. I don't know the New Yorker contest, but I do appreciate your writing of trying it - that same *humanity* has been your "hallmark", since I've been lucky enough to hear and now read you... but as cartoon-captions go, I think the instant you say "or how about..." is only self-fulflling proof you didn't nail it.

Isn't the point to make fun *in* the picture, not of it or beside it? God's looking holy blissful in His office... the "shock" should be awaiting Him... or so I think.

By the way, I've moved since I wrote you last time. I'm here, now.

Obscure-reference-of-the-day for No. 8: "I'm sorry, but the days of Job and Faust are over. He can no longer be seen hanging out with terrorists."

I must say, I never found the captions in the New Yorker particularly humorous. They sometimes sound as if they were written by Oscar Wilde's less witty cousin. Maybe they were funnier back in the '30s, as I did laugh at the "Touche!" caption.

Anyway, I am now entered in the caption contest for this week, which is for a different cartoon than the one you've listed above (apparently, the contest ran out at 12:00 this morning). Regardless, I have a strange sense of humor, so I'm guessing someone who sounds like a poor man's Oscar Wilde will become a finalist over me. To give you an example: when I was a senior in high school (this was back in 1996-1997), I became the copy editor for the yearbook. I was mainly in charge of the student life section, which included providing captions for many of the photos found there. One picture showed some school custodians around a table, all but one of them sitting.

Now, the caption that made it into the book was, "These hard working custodians take a well deserved break before starting their shift." One of my advisors wrote that caption. My caption, which was the only one of my captions not to make it into the yearbook, went something like this: "Custodians hold a secret meeting to plan the eventual takeover of the school in the year 2000." Apparently, the advisor who rewrote my caption thought someone might take it seriously. I certainly see his point, but I still think my caption was better, much as you feel that some of your captions were better than the finalists, as picked by the New Yorker. I personally liked the Michael Bay and Transformers references in cartoon #2 and #6, respectively.

For #201 I want to go with something about outsourcing but I figure every possible pun involving it would be used.

"Maybe I shouldn't have demanded a window seat."

Ebert: Mine was obscurely about outsourcing.

I know I'm a day late and a dime short, but I didn't see this until this morning. What an excellent treatment for my brevity problem.

1 - "Can I borrow your pen?"

2 - "What do you think - Heredity or Environment?

3 - "They're nice, but you should see the handbag..."

4 - "Just put it on my tab."

5 - "The bars? They keep out the Sarah Palin protesters."

6 - "Mirror... Signal... Head check..."

7 - "Got any more of that Preparation H?"

8 - "I don't see you on my list - Can I tell him who's calling?"

So my little quip on Saturday morning was lost forever in cyberspace? By their very nature, quips never bear repeating. Humanity will have to bear the loss.

In the interim, we have lost two more towering personages: Walter Cronkite, whom you have eulogized, and Frank McCourt, whom you should. Angela's ashes was perhaps the most powerfully emotive movie I have ever viewed, and I'm not even Irish or poverty stricken. I was, however, raised Catholic and saw much truth in that aspect of his story.

chris emry baltimore......www.chrisemryrocks@gmail.com

http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2009/07/the_new_yorker_no_the_new_york.html

It's Roger & Gene: "Come on Roger, you've seen this movie a zillion more times than me.....which one is Ben?"

Hi Roger.

My two for cartoon #8, which must have gotten eaten in the comment glitch, were:

- I see that you checked your pitchfork with security. The big guy will be with you in a moment.

- You have to have an appointment. I've told you before, you can't just drop by to sit in the air conditioning.

Randy

Ebert: No, a reverse outsourcing joke.

I thought it was a reference to the recession with the creditors crowding the office and the boss hiding on the roof. My bad. Perhaps the winner has to be more simple and obvious than subtle like that "Touche !". Mercifully, the average IQ is still around 100, or I hope so.

Cartoon Number One

"I told you: we plan on having a lunch party once you work your tail off!"

"See? Everything's fine. Keep your tail up."

"Boss riding your back again?"

Cartoon Number Two

"Going to release some mice into the audience this time, Mr. Gates?"

Cartoon Number Three

"No, I said I'm Jewish--not shoe-ish."

"What size dress is that?"

"I'm walking on sunshine"

"I get free drinks because the bartender thinks I'm gay."

Cartoon Number Four

"Clever: a non-alcoholic-drink only bar. The place where no one would look."

"Nice pajamas, Earl. You probably should have waited to do that after I finished closing."

"There's a two drink minimum for two-year sentences."

"If you don't mind, I'm going to play "Fixin' A Hole" by the Beatles on the jukebox."

Cartoon Number Five

"I know this show's free, but can I leave?"

Cartoon Number Six

"Uh, Mr. Bay, are you sure people are going to believe this guy can outrun the explosion?"

Cartoon Number Eight

"I don't care if his door's always open. I'm never talking to that guy."

Cartoon #201

"Do I really have a job?! Well...I'm definitely sitting at a desk!"

My Caption for #201
"Yeah honey, I got a promotion. But where do I go from here?"

Roger here's my entry for #201
They said it's a higher post!

Ebert: You are a skilled URL Detective.

I try, and I really hate doing it. But it was because of what Marie Haws said, "Note: Heather Nichols is a small-time television & commercial actress. That said, since that UFC clip went viral last week, she's been getting a lot of free publicity over it.", that I wanted to read what Heather Nichols said about it. And I was surprised that, not only did "Rampage" Jackson--the UFC fighter--do that before in Japan, but, before she interviewed him, she saw that same youtube video and still didn't really expect it to happen. She didn't take the right approach into that situation.

Contest #201:

"The Willoughby contract? It's likely over Midtown judging from this wind."

Cartoon Number Eight

The insurance is pretty good.

Hi Roger, sure the dime would be nice...but, more importantly, I have a sidebet for a shiny quarter with my husband. The best I can come up with for #201 is :

"Earl took a white collar approach to pigeon keeping, but filing cabinets made poor cages"

I absolutely love this blog. Keep up the great work!

I want that dime.

#1 So Atlantis has no taxes, no regulations and I can pay workers with chum?
#2 They were donated by the voodoo practitioners for the ethical treatment of animals.
#2 Our athletes will win the science olympiad for sure.
#4 I would like to start a tab.
#5 New at the zoo, celebrities in their natural habitat.
#6 Why is he pulling us over? Three people is carpool.
#7 At least I am better off than my wife, She had to lay it.
#8 This job sucks. The boss thinks he's perfect and wants everything done his way and you give me nothing but grief.

#8

I am here on behalf of Secretary Geithner. I understand someone needs to clear his balance sheet of non performing assets...

Cartoon #6:
"OK, try mentally retracing your steps. When's the last time you remember seeing him?"

Cartoon #7:
"Storks, my ass!"

Hi Roger, sure the dime would be nice...but, more importantly, I have a sidebet for a shiny quarter with my husband. The best I can come up with for #201 is :

"Earl took a white collar approach to pigeon keeping, but filing cabinets made poor cages"

I absolutely love this blog. Keep up the great work!

Mine for #201:

No, Sir. The view suits me fine. The problem is the pigeons...

Roger:

Jolly good blog. For Cartoon #8, the Devil in God's ouoter office:

"Tell Him I need to open an additional circle for Bernie Madoff.

201:

It's a baseless lawsuit. I defy anyone to find a glass-ceiling at this company.

#201: Duncan was conflicted with his memo to the higher-ups.

Cartoon 1
"I think we can find a place for you here. Do the words
"Look, you're just gonna have to try and work with the keyboards we have."

Cartoon 2
"It appears they have learned to mock."

Cartoon 3
"See? I told you we had the same shoe size! Now let's try the bra."

Cartoon 4
"I'm telling you boss, stripes are in, especially prison stripes. By the way, when's this plumbing problem gonna be fixed? This hole's not good for the vibe."

Cartoon 5
"Camera 1: Alright, now that we've got them locked up let's give the police our demands.
Camera 2: Fine, but one question: I knew they would fall for the whole 'duplicated set' thing, but don't they notice there isn't an audience?"

Cartoon 6
"Oh, God, we left the victim on the roof again."

Cartoon 7
"What will you name yours after it hatches?
I'm not sure yet, maybe God, you know, after its father."

Cartoon 8
"I don't know, Bob. He lost a thousand believers today to Richard Dawkins. I don't think he's in the mood for jokes."

For #201
"I guess I could come over to see you."

I thought you might like this one because I think it fits in nicely into #200 - since they're both already in the office for him to come over.

Cartoon Number Two: Great, My coat's too tight, and now the dopey one with the glasses is probably recording my inseam wrong too.

Hey honey! Check this out. When I put my mouth on the chair like this--see?! They just start looking at those old toilet rags. How odd is that?

my entry for your "bonus" image with the dog... probably makes no sense

Oh, dear...Match.com was WAY off on this one.

Cartoon Number Six: Look Franco, no disrespect, but youze coulda taken the golf clubs outta the trunk before we left the house.

I know this is irrelevant, but when I watched "The Unicorn in the Garden" on youtube, I was led to this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vErJFmUF7DM&feature=related) cartoon. Loved it. And it's French.

Marie, Marie, MARIE. "It depends on the cartoonist" is no help either. How can I expect to start a new career if I don't know and can't tell? For me, I mean.

I know a bit about it from songwriting. "The Yum Yum Tree" might still be on the 'net somewhere... that was like 20 years ago. But... but... you're a cartoonist too? I... I... think I love you. I think Catt worked on sound for Ren & Stimpy, too.

It wasn't her after all, Rodge. But here she is, 30 years and still laffing: http://www.benway.com/mkbrown/panels/index.html panel #6

Am totally out of more caption ideas. Am enjoying a good many here.

Cartoon Number Seven

Comon ROGER! You laid a real big, fat egg with that last review of yours! That's right, twiddle your thumbs- that's one four star egg! By the way, I'm not REALLY here, ROGER!

P.S. - I'm not serious!

For Comic 201:

-Smoking is not allowed in here.
-He is unavailable right now, He is reading Twilight.
-He now has expanded office hours on weeknigts and weekends.
-Did you contact your insurance before requesting an appointment with him?

They are not that funny, but as a citizen of Quebec, I can participate anyway...

Cartoon #1

"Do you come animated?"

Cartoon #2

"I didn't know the military had rodents."

"There are no cats in America- just murderers, cheaters, liars, bullies, rapists, molesters, con artists, corruption- WAIT- their ARE CATS in America, Darn!"

Cartoon #3

"Milk does the body good, if you know what I mean."

"Wait- don't tell me: Tom Savini or Rob Bottin did your make-up?! Take a hike lady!"

"I'm very very sorry, but I voted yes on prop 8." "So did I miss, more to go around."

Cartoon #4

"Don't worry, I'm not a prisoner, I'm just an extra on the latest Michael Bay film." "So you are a prisoner."

Cartoon #5

"Is this the audition for the remake of Women in Cages?" "What does it matter, you're clearly not qualified."

Cartoon #6

"So much for the freedom of the road."

"Do you think anybody'll notice us." "No, Americans are stupid." "But we're not American!" "Then I guess we're all stupid."

"As Mr. Ebert attorney, I'm here to discuss his inclusion in this edition's New Yorker cartoon contest"

When can Marie Haws, Keith Carrisoza, Stanley Dancer, SM Rana, Bill Hays, Randy Masters, Paul Marasa, Ron Barth and Yours Truly expect our royalty checks? :)

Now I know what it's like to be picked last for dodgeball.

Ebert: Don't feel bad. You won't get a royalty check, either.

Mr. Ebert (I hope you don't mind me calling you that, you seem like you might be sort who insists on first-name bases immediately), I think the real problem is that New Yorker cartoons AREN'T actually funny. They are the ultimate shaggy-dog joke, amusingly minimalist pictures with captions that are clever but not really good jokes. As writers--well, you, as a writer, and me, as an unsuccessful wannabe-writer--we appreciate the cleverness and the care that must go into wording these epigrams just so.

The fencing gag you cite is a perfect example. We have two humorous elements joined, one is the understatement of saying "Touché!", which is obvious given the decapitation that just took place, and the other is the absurdity of someone who's been decapitated still talking. Neither of these, to my mind, are really that funny, and there isn't much synergy in the combination. It's just kind of... there.

I've always thought of the New Yorker's cartoons as being sort of meta-humorous and post-ironic, before even those concepts existed outside that venerable magazine's margins, but that really isn't the same as being funny in the way that the Far Side was funny, or that Doonesbury was funny. Or even in the way that Mad Magazine (whose cartoonists have some overlap with the New Yorker) is funny.

So don't worry, Mr. Ebert, that your captions never get published in the New Yorker. You're too good for 'em.

Yours,

Some Loser.

Sorry Ebert, I should have mentioned that "I'll do it" was my caption entry.

I thought I was being witty on multiple levels.

"I'll do it." As the caption itself.
"I'll do it." As in participating in this fun.
"I'll do it." As in winning the contest.

I will remember to submit more content next time :).

#1

"You will make excellent H.R. director for downsizing. Cut any parts unnecessary. And help yourself"

#8

"Would you ask him when I will get Ebert? I'm sick of Siskel giving me thumbs down to my works."

After heeding the advice from that Slate article, my caption for #201:

"It's not exactly art deco, but who can complain in this economy?"

Oh, and an interesting side note. When I saw Bruno the weekend it came out, for the FIRST TIME EVER there was a person checking IDs for a movie. Not at the box office though, but after you have purchased your ticket and standing in front of the door of the theater. When I asked why only for this movie, he said that they had had some walk-outs and people wanting refunds. I assume that the people wanting refunds were perhaps underage which then prompted management to start the ID checking. Loved the movie, and so did my fifty-something Korean mother. During our showing, there were no walk-outs.

Speaking of India, I've heard lately from e-mail pass-arounds that there are over 250 MILLION Indians who'd qualify for Mensa.

If they realize who each other are, we'd better stop eating cows. Maybe it was a dumb idea in the first place.

1. Bang bang! Aardvark's back! Now where that paleface Roger Ebert?

2. Bang bang! Aardvark's back! Now where that paleface Roger Ebert?

3. Bang bang! Aardvark's back! Now where that paleface Roger Ebert?

4. Bang bang! Aardvark's back! Now where that paleface Roger Ebert?

5. Bang bang! Aardvark's back! Now where that paleface Roger Ebert?

6. Bang bang! Aardvark's back! Now where that paleface Roger Ebert?

7. Bang bang! Aardvark's back! Now where that paleface Roger Ebert?

8. Bang bang! Aardvark's back! Now where that paleface Roger Ebert?

See? They all fit and it's very funny. Thank you, S.M. Rana.

Tom Dark and Marie Haws,

Have you seen the documentary, "Crumb?" In that movie he said that he doesn't know what he is going to draw while he is doing it. But he also said if he doesn't draw he gets suicidal. Here's a BBC documentary called "Confessions of Robert Crumb" that I've never seen before, but I'm sure it's good, which was released 7 years before "Crumb."

"Confessions of Robert Crumb"
Part 1
http://www.veoh.com/browse/videos/category/educational/watch/v15597097NdA78SzE#
Part 2
http://www.veoh.com/browse/morelike/v354544KaZrNNc6#watch%3Dv15597104PpNtz5Y2

"Crumb" (link says to download flashplayer/use Mozilla Firefox, which I didn't do)
http://quicksilverscreen.com/watch?video=44331

Roger has done a commentary for the movie "Crumb", which must be really fascinating. I need to buy those DVDs with his commentaries. I only have "Dark City" and "Citizen Kane" from that list.

How about:

"I'm sorry, cleanliness is next door"

"Don't be concerned. He just wants to see you about a complaint He received from one of your clients."

Cartoon Number Eight

"I said come back tomorrow! Do you presume to criticize the great Harold? Think yourself lucky that I'm giving you audience tomorrow instead of 20 years from now. The great Harold has spoken! Pay no attention to that man behind the door. The great Harold has spoken!"

Reply to: Ebert: It's not that I think my cartoon captions are better than anyone else's, although some weeks, understandably, I do. It's that just once I want to see one of my damn captions in the magazine that publishes the best cartoons in the world. Is that too much to ask? Maybe I'm too oblique for them.

Greg Beal, who runs the Nicholl Fellowship, was asked why scripts don't make it past the first round. He said, "They need more conflict, more drama, more story."

I'm not an expert on this, but the key words for the New Yorker contest are "anxiety" and "aggression" and "absurdity."

From various sites: The basics of humor don’t change. It’s the ability to enter a “play frame,” where we can enjoy incongruity, absurdity, ambiguity, and even many things that would normally cause us great anxiety, like illness and death. One of the functions of humor is to help us cope, and realize when a threat, or at least our paralyzing anxiety over that threat, has passed. No one’s really suffering because it’s only a cartoon, but something bad is happening to somebody — and it’s not us.

"The world is an alien place. And the older you get, the more you want to get away from it. But when you are younger, it's still an alien place, only you want to be in it, and see what it's like. The fusion of comedy comes when youth meets the world for the first time. It's about getting angry. Humor is the rage of the powerless."

Every week, thousands of people who have more experience than I do enter the contest. But the winning entries aren't afraid to go to the dark side. They aren't afraid to set a man's feet in concrete. or put bars on the windows.

I don't think you can go too far into the Dark Side, because it's only a cartoon. But you can be too timid about it.

Does the caption create the mental image of a situation that would frighten or embarrass us in real life? Can we identify with one person who is powerless in the face of overwhelming absurdity? As if the entire universe has conspired against him?

"You're such a man-whore." (from "The Ugly Truth") All his life, Gerard Butler thought a man should behave in a certain way, and suddenly the roles are reversed. The universe has conspired to take away his self-esteem.

Maybe the idea is to find a flaw in society, and mock it by taking it to the extreme. ie, making it absurd. The double standard that men are supposed to initiate sex and women aren't, for example.

I'm sorry but we can't change it now. We put lobster on the menu for the corporate dinner before we hired you."

Here's mine for #201, a nod to a classic movie for cubicle denizens like me:

"Hello? Hello? I believe you have my stapler..."

Heh heh. Ah yes, Mr. Morningstar, so LOVELY to see you. And what (pffftt!), may I ask, are you (pfffhahahapfff) here to see the Lord about? A pink slip!!! (Bwahahahppfffsstt). Oh my, I hadn't heard!! No, no, no please (excuse me), step right in!

For #201

"Hello? *sigh* Yes, this is the bald guy on Google Earth."

Thanks for the post, Roger. I submitted a couple of these captions several months ago and became disheartened. Hearing of your own frustrations and perseverance made me want to give it another shot. Ever submit to McSweeney's? They seem to have a similar judging standard, looking past quality for that certain quality.

#201 "Show me the money! Show me the money! No, I can't see it. There's a tall man in front of you."

Jim, Greece

Finally!

It took forever to download "True Blood season 2, episode 5." Oh, wait - this isn't the confession thread is it?! Ooops. :)

Oh hey, there's a new cartoon to caption! Here's what I entered:

#201 - "I gotta go Walter, the pigeons are coming..."

Ken Adah wrote on July 20, 2009 9:15 AM - And my favorite non-cartoon was the "Taunting of Marie Haws".

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. :)

Keith Carrizosa wrote on July 20, 2009 12:05 AM - "I find this sort of thing extremely disturbing, because I think it might even be one step below sexual assault. I think that sexual predators and their kind of mindset like to test a person's limits to maybe make it seem okay in their mind, perhaps, or, what I think, is to see how much strength a person has because they go after the weak and scared. And in the words of James Toback, "I think there are scores that must be settled, and people who makes excuses for their own allowance of being violated do tremendous damage to their own spiritual integrity. They cannot in honesty feel good about themselves knowing that they let some scumbag harm them or someone they cared about."

I saw that Sports Illustrated article you'd link to, and read a few others besides, when I was snooping around earlier to learn more about what happened. I haven't seen "The Outsider" yet - though I plan to! That's a damn good quote - and one I genuinely concur with; for I too, think people need to accept responsibility for how they willingly allow others to treat them.

Imo, Rampage Jackson is a smirking self-satisfied pig and her reaction ultimately a self-defeating one for what it helps to enable.

Misogyny isn't anything new. What's changed is the extent to which young women are now foolishly undermining their own cause, and for failing to see the bigger picture. Here's a good example of what you get when women buy into a male definition of "female self-empowerment" as marketed to them over the past 20 years...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/20/sprite-blow-job-ad-banned_n_240851.html

But wait, it gets even better – that’s not actually a banned oral sex commercial for Sprite in Germany. It was a piece of lame self-promotion. The folks over at Huffington Post didn’t do their homework and ran with it before checking to see if it was legit...

http://www.nypress.com/blog-4643-i-like-my-sprite-in-you.html

Oh to be Buffy so I could drive big freakin' stake through the heart of misogyny and kill it once and for all, dammit; sigh.

Ebert wrote: "When I mentioned this blog had just passed the three million visit mark, I neglected to add that you and the names you mention accounted for two million of those."

Did someone just call me verbose..? :)

Tom Dark wrote on July 20, 2009 9:55 PM - "Marie, Marie, MARIE. "It depends on the cartoonist" is no help either. How can I expect to start a new career if I don't know and can't tell? For me, I mean.. But... but... you're a cartoonist too? I... I... think I love you. I think Catt worked on sound for Ren & Stimpy, too."

David Cassidy is now flashing through my head! From an episode titled: "My Son, the Feminist". Oh, the irony....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJYSu2OVCGM

Is your last name really Dark? I'm going to see Harry Potter today and "Tom Dark" sounds like the sort of guy you'd bump into at Hogwarts; chuckle!

As for cartoons, if you have to ask dude, there's your problem. :)

"No, I don't want to go to a mini-plex multi-theater! It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POW's to show them propaganda films." - Elaine in "The Movie" episode on Seinfeld.

Some people "write" a cartoon and other people literally draw one. Some do both, but they don't actually show you the famed sketches they've bragged about having made while at a cafe in Venice. Cough. :)

I like wit and sharp ironic satire. So too, observational black humour. I like politics, movies, books, pop-culture, comics, graphic novels, cool bugs, Edward Gorey, toys, squirt guns, imported chocolate, espresso, Vampires, doing battle with the Himalayan blackberry monster, all kinds of stuff! And it all informs how I see the world - and that's what goes into cartoons.

How YOU see the world. Basically, you draw your point of view. And the really great cartoons speak with an authentic voice. You need to be brave, Tom. Don't give a poo what anyone else thinks! Let them draw their own cartoons, if they don't like yours! You need to embrace your ego and clutch it to yourself like kevlar. :)

You must be fearless and not afraid to suck.

That way, when you do - you won't be killed by surprise. :)

Cartoon 1

Our company philosophy is "if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen".

Cartoon 7

If Arnie could do it in Junior, so can we

Cartoon 8

Of course I don't know what it's about.. he works in mysterious ways.

So these darwinists are not satisfied with the twentieth century plus a recession?

Honey we can't have chili anymore.

That one I like.

I had a typo in my original post, it was supposed to say:

Caption for cartoon number eight "I'm actually not here to see God, I was looking for Ambrose Bierce, I've misplaced my dictionary and was hoping he could help me."

from everyone's non reaction though, I doubt it will improve its cleverness or how funny it is too be found.

Ebert: I bought The Devil's Dictionary from Marlboro Books when I was about 10. I still have it, and the binding still has that same piquant aroma.

It's downloadable for free.

http://sunsite.berkeley.edu/Literature/Bierce/DevilsDictionary/A-E.html

Three definitions from page one:

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it.

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.

ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

Ebert: Do they at least put their logo on the merchandise?

Maybe I could sell T-shirts showing your reviews, published on my website. But only on your T-shirt, of course, not in the actual website.

Strangely, they DON'T seem to show their logo! (Although I could be mistaken - the website doesn't show the back of the merchandise.) Maybe they just assume that others will see you walking around wearing a t-shirt with a minimalist cartoon and a dryly humorous caption and say to themselves, "That reminds me, I haven't read the New Yorker in such a long time." (Subtle, yes, but then again, so is the New Yorker.)

I dig the idea:

Get your own Roger Ebert "T"-Thumbs Up shirt. YOUR movie review on ROGER EBERT'S website!

Disclaimer: Reviews do not actually appear on Roger Ebert's website. The Sun-Times News Group reserves the right to reject reviews containing obscene language or proclamations that Transformers 2 rules and Roger Ebert sucks. Available while supplies last.

Ebert: Disclaimeres are essential!

Too late to enter. Would've gone with:
"Tell him I'm not in. No, wait. Tell him I gave at the office."

....amusingly minimalist pictures with captions that are clever but not really good jokes.... Prince Alberich Guitare von Rickenbacher
Cartoons draw out an appreciative smile rather than roars of laughter...last time I did that was Duck Soup and Chaplin's Circus.

I hate to say it and I write it with love in my heart, but quite a few fellow Ebert blog commentaters would be better off sawing wood, judging from some of the stupifyingly lame captions I just waded through.

To establish some qualifications for being so judgmental above, I've written and published a couple of novels and have kept beans on the table around here for the past twelve years as a professional writer. I've also read The New Yorker cover to cover for, what, I guess at least the past ten years.

I've loved cartoons since I was a wee lad back in the 50's when old guys like me snuck our flashlights under the covers at night to read forbidden fare after playing kick the can all day until we thought we'd drop.

With all that said, I've yet to enter the cartoon caption contest because to date I've never had what I thought was a truly worthy caption come bubbling out of my poor old brain.

I try for a few minutes every week when I get to the last page of the magazine, but, damn, I find novel writing easier than captioning a cartoon.

Now, how absurd is that?

I'm always wondering: Am I brain-dead at cartoon captioning because I haven't drawn the cartoon myself? Is that why I haven't been able to come up with even one clever caption in five years?

Anyway, because of the weekly contest, I have more appreciation than ever for the art of cartooning.

I mean, seriously, honest to God, Gary Larson's remarkable body of consistently funny, thought-provoking, and insightful work for fourteen years (!) rivals the creative output of just about anyone who ever put ink on paper, paint on canvas, or images on film, doesn't it?

Argh, look at the time!

I need to get some wood sawing done today, and here I am writing for free on Ebert's blog.

Enough!

I cannot enter, since my province is exempt, but if I could, it would be:

"Well, well, well.. Look who came crawling back"

"I have done more writing for free for the New Yorker in the last five years than for anybody in the previous 40 years."

Now you know how it feels. I've been submitting questions for the Movie Answer Man and entries for the Big Little Movie Glossary for years with no results. I think I've done more unpublished free writing for your website for the past decade than anyone else I can name.

Ebert: I used Google's excellent Mail Search using your e-mail address and found only one contribution, from 2007. Where are you sending your stuff?

Cartoon number six:

"Close that door, you're creating drag!"

Roger, have you ever entered a caption, then conceived a far better one, only to be shut out by the New Yorker's one-to-a-customer policy? I was so eager to win the acclaim of a discriminating audience (yours and the New Yorker's) and a much-coveted thumbs-up from you--the dime is small change in comparison--that I submitted a dog. Oh well, sin in haste, repent at leisure.

Here's caption 201(b):

"I never realized that rising to the top would make me such an outsider."

Ed Fugg:

I seem to have a misfired comment to account for, anyway, and must apologise for a dumb one. But I think you are right, the world has not grown so small as for us to make a blunder like assuming that barriers to misunderstanding just don't exist.

My bad.

By Jennifer Morrow on July 20, 2009 1:06 PM

Now, if I REEEEALLY wanted, I could just copy the New Yorker's cartoon of the week from the site, open up Microsoft Paint, paste it in, paste my soon-to-be rejected caption underneath it, print it out, frame it, and hang it on my wall.

Even easier, Jennifer: after you submit your entry, the cartoon shows up on the next page with your caption, so just print it from there, no cutting, pasting or Paint necessary. As James Whitmore put it in Shawshank, "easy, peasy, Japanesey."

Roger,

I too entered the contest for Cartoon #1 (Lobster in office). My entry read: "Unfortunately, an exoskeleton will not suffice as business attire." Like yourself, I thought mine much better than the "Red Lobster" winner.

Incidentally, I thought I'd point out the Caption Contest's adjacency to "The Current Cinema" section in each week's magazine. Might this lie at the unconscious root of your obsession?

Mike

Hang on, Marie, Keith wrote:

Have you seen the documentary, "Crumb?" In that movie he said that he doesn't know what he is going to draw while he is doing it. But he also said if he doesn't draw he gets suicidal.

NOW we're getting somewhere. I suspected as much. Draw or die. Okay, on your advice, I will draw one that not even I care about, much less what anybody else thinks. After all, I could be that millionth monkey.

Yes, I was Tom Dark long before that upstart Harry Potter was conceived by that starving lady (She HAD to write, didn't she? Must not a cartoonist HAVE to draw? Would Gary Larson have died, just working at a music store?) But there are others. One is a civil engineer.

Some of my black friends think it's funny because I'm a WASP, otherwise, I dislike quips about "Tom Dork," "Tom Light" and I know it makes new-age types nervous; but at least it isn't "Dick Long." I haven't been to Hogwart's, but I have been to the School for Improbable Hard Knocks, which I enjoyed more. And I admit to being a bit ambivalent about Eusebius.

Somebody told me there's a "Tom Dark" in Bradbury's "Something Wicked This Way Comes," but I have yet to read it. Not that I don't love other Bradbury work, I just have an apathy toward circus tales. That Tom Dark is supposed to be the devil.

Dooon't get me started on The Devil's Dictionary. I still read it. Even quoted one for Roger on another thread. I wonder how Bierce would caption these cartoons. Bierce himself drew cartoons.

There's another thing, Marie. See where I wrote "I... I... I love you"? I was parroting one of my own jokes from the Melissa Ferrick list from years ago (oh, do look her up). It put them on the floor. Everybody on the list started using it. Here it fell flat, flat, flat. A study. Do not imitate oneself.

I think Ed Fugg has cracked the code for S.M. Rana's joke and why it is very funny. I laughed last night and am chuckling at it now.

My so far 3-month chuckle at an Indian's joke comes from Karri Sriram of Hyderabad. Naming his name because he deserves public credit: "It is difficult to convince a man of the truth whose job depends on not knowing it."

As to chuckling at a cartoon and its relationship to longevity, a chuckle that reverberates for years is far funnier than one that gets an instant belly laugh and gone for its ephemerality. I cite Johnson's "True, sir! And when we see an unusually foolish young man, we also do not know what to think!" And Melville's "I do not believe it, but I have heard the rumor that Bartleby first worked at the Dead Letter Office." (Sorry for the bad paraphrase.)

1: Lobster: "Look, I've gone along with everything else, but rolling back benefits is just too much."

2."What I'm wondering is where those two found clothes that large."

3. "Not everyone gets the hang of shoelaces."

4."Hey, sorry about the floor. So tell me, when did the locksmith move?"

5."To be honest, I don't miss the razor wire nearly as much as I thought I would."

6."...so next time, when I tell you to bring the minivan, BRING THE GODDAMN MINIVAN!!!"

7." It's our own fault, Harry. After all those years in the army, we should have known, 'Don't volunteer'."

8. "He's sorry, but if Endemol doesn't want to honor the no-compete clause, that's your problem."

#201. " I just called to say that I've reconsidered sharing an office with Bates."

As I strove to come up with these, this thought loomed: WWCAD?
(What Would Chas Addams Do?)

By Matt Ellison on July 21, 2009 2:07 AM

Here's mine for #201, a nod to a classic movie for cubicle denizens like me:

"Hello? Hello? I believe you have my stapler..."

Great minds think alike, Matt; I also thought of poor Milton elevated from the basement.

My caption for 201: "They all fall on their first try."

I imagine mine is too common or vague or some such nonsense. The Matrix is still relevant, right?

"He's concerned that you have more Facebook friends than he does."

Cartoon #1: "Now explain to me this previous conviction for pot possession."

My entry for cartoon #2: OK, we got them to stand erect, what's next?

Cartoon #4: Make it a lite beer, these stripes are horizontal.

"He's omniscient. Of course he can see you now."

My entry for the shiny dime (for this week's New Yorker cartoon)

"What memo?...Look it gets reeeally windy up here."

Liked it better as a situation + dialogue (below). To think about it, it actually sounds like George Costanza. :)

"Of course I'm still on the premises..What memo?..No I don't...No I'm telling you it's not...LOOK it gets REALLY windy up here!!.."

Also thought of something completely different, albeit a few touches darker. Think of a shaky voice...:

"If you let me go, gravity will do the rest!"

Could still work as part of a dark comedy flick. :)

Marie Haws,

That quote was from, "The Outsider", which I had to rewind a couple times to make sure I got the words right.

As far as commercials, I try not to watch them, which frequently leads to me forgetting what I was watching on television in the first place. (I don't like the brainwashing aspect of commercials.) But, as far as that fake commercial, it was just dumb. But I can see what you mean by misogyny, because the girl was one of those girls that gets used all the time in real life, which you could tell by her thoughts, which were basically, "Here I am getting used again." I don't know if I should say this, but--well, here it goes: I guess it wouldn't have been misogynistic if they were in 69 and the girl had a dripping sprite can in her crotch. Can a sister get a double blast?

Reposting as I'm not sure if the first one went through

My entry for the shiny dime (for this week's New Yorker cartoon)

"What memo?...Look it gets reeeally windy up here."

Liked it better as a situation + dialogue (below). To think about it, it actually sounds like George Costanza. :)

"Of course I'm still on the premises..What memo?..No I don't...No I'm telling you it's not...LOOK it gets REALLY windy up here!!.."

Also thought of something a few touches darker. Think of a shaky voice...:

"If you let me go, gravity will do the rest!"

Not particularly funny, yeah. Might work if the character saying this has history though, like maybe Teddy Buckland from Scrubs. :)

Keith Carrizosa wrote on July 21, 2009 12:30 AM - Tom Dark and Marie Haws, Have you seen the documentary, "Crumb?"

Yup!

"People who have been damaged by life can make the most amazing adjustments in order to survive and find peace. Sometimes it is a toss-up whether to call them mad, or courageous." - Ebert's review

It's courageous to swim Roger, when the undertow wants you to sink.

We didn't literally have the same father, but I'm more familiar with the general type than I would have chosen for myself as a child. While being acquainted with those also able to share stories of a dysfunctional family dynamic. Not all artists are born into circumstances as unpleasant as Crumb's of course, but that said, the universe does tend to make us pay for our little gifts...

SÉRAPHINE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpK_qugNHCM

...after which we're then celebrated in death. That's why flattery albeit very nice to hear, means far less to me than money. :)

Note: fingers crossed I score your U.S. dime for getting a caption picked!

And speaking of money, and for the want of enough...

20th Century Props is closing its doors for good at the end of July and auctioning off a collection of 93,000 props - how sad! As I understand the guy who owns it is heart broken... awww...

http://ca.reuters.com/article/entertainmentNews/idCATRE56J5NO20090721

Here's their website where you can see some of what I assume will be up for auction... they have space ships and stuff!

http://www.incengine.org/incEngine/?store=20thcenturyprops

Mr Ebert,

I too have been chronicly slighted by the Caption contest. Although I did once make it as a finalist, you will see from the captions below, that the New Yorker chose a most inferior caption over mine. I'm not one for conspiracies, but I belive that the New Yorker purposely selects lame captions to demonstrate how "difficult" captioning really is, and so it must be left to the professionals.

Description of my caption: A couple is greeted by the host of a house party. The husband is carrying a very large bomb.

http://contest.newyorker.com/CaptionContest.aspx?tab=archive&id=135

First Place
"It's great to see you, but we can only stay about fifteen seconds."

Second Place
"You said B.Y.O.B., right?"

Third Place
"Sorry we're late. Clearing customs was a nightmare."

As is painfully obvious, the first two captions are pedestrian and utterly predictable. Put your brain on "hold." But mine, well it opens a world of possibilities, doesn't it? How did they clear customs? Where did they come from? It almost makes the bomb an after-thought.

Keep fighting the good fight, however. You shall overcome.

V.

Vikas Sharma
Ottawa, Canada

Ebert: You were a finalist? Good gravy!

"Did he get the flowers I sent?"

Here goes:

Man interviewing lobster: "No, that wasn't butter they were bringing in, By the way, You're hired!"

Researchers looking at mice: " I tell you they're mocking us! and where did they get the tiny lab coats?"

High-heeled man in bar: "These are my custom made drinking pumps."

Gangster in car: "That guy? He's an MSNBC reporter who criticized Obama."

Asssitant speaking to Satan: "No, it's Pantsless Tuesdays, today is business casual."

Didn't have time today to think up one for all of them...oh well.

Caption for cartoon no. 6:

"I don't see anything in the back seat. Do you think it could be coming from the trunk?"

Too obvious, I know, but it refers to two movies and this is the site of a film critic. I can never thank you enough for introducing me to Michael Apted's documentary series, starting w/ 21 Up.

Too late but...

"Do you have an appointment?"

Resending…looks like my original entry was sucked into the vortex to nowhere.

Loving the responses. I must have missed the deadline for the devil caption; I’ll take a stab at the next one. Gotta try for that shiny dime.

...My personal favourite cartoon of all-time comes from Gary Larson. It shows the inside of a refrigerator with a bowl of food holding the ketchup bottle at gunpoint. The caption reads: “When potato salad goes bad.” Somehow it just speaks to my odd sensibilities.

I’m afraid my captions aren’t nearly as clever, but here goes….

2 thugs in the car:
“There’s something you don’t see every day. The World’s Largest Ball of String.”

Man wearing women’s shoes:
“Revenge. My ex-wife got the car, the house and my dignity. I took all her damn shoes.”

Laboratory:
“I don’t think this study is going the way we planned. Yesterday they threw the cheese at me and etched ‘cholesterol kills’ into the glass.”

Angels sitting on eggs:
“The last thing I remember was standing in the delivery room next to my wife and saying, “Come on honey, how difficult can it be? Man up and push.”

Devil at the office:
“I know you’re disappointed, but the temp we hired to take care of his schedule is a bit dyslexic. The Big Guy asked her to invite Santa to lunch.”

Umm... love The New Yorker.

Cartoon # 4 (Prisoner speaking to bartender)

"Make it cool and dry and call it a Dillinger"

Keep on trying, isn't that half the fun?

Since it appears my first post didn't go through due to the error I'll try and post again

"The Doctor will see you now." The picture above the secretary made me think of the Rorschach inkblot test. Maybe I'm way too obscure.

For this week I said:

"I can't wait to get back to work tomorrow morning, my wife is a slave driver."

I think that has a decent shot: it's not funny.

But I'm ok with that, I don't pass myself off as a humorist.

Also, am I the only one who can't vote for the last one? Trying to vote it said the last 2 weeks are there but I only see the first.

Dang, I'm also too late to enter. Oh well, here goes nothing.

Cartoon #8:

"And you are....?"

That cartoon reminded me of a recurring skit on SNL back in the 90's where David Spade played an annoying and clueless receptionist who wouldn't let anyone in to see whomever was behind the door. So I'm pretty much plagiarising. But I couldn't help it. The Devil looks just a bit deflated.

Regards,
Jeff

For the lobster cartoon:

Tell me about your previous positions, Mr. Samsa.

For number 3:
I was going to suggest "So Aspasia says, ' That's the post-bop, ergo propter bop fallacy'"
But Dark's "Would you like to hear me roar?" is in another quantum universe. Unbeatable.

Oh, Ebert. Sometimes you just make my heart so glad. That's all.

Ebert: Now cut that out!

Speaking of contests, l like the fiction contest discussed on your website: A short story in 1,024 words or less.

Ernest Hemingway proposed this as a short story:

For Sale. Baby shoes. Never been used."

"Don't tell me he's not in. I can see his big shining head from here."

#201:

Hey, it worked for The Beatles.

"He's omnipresent; of course He's in."

My idea for the latest one:

"Murdoch said having a meteorologist outside just during storms was getting blasé."

I can't believe you sucked me back into doing these, Roger.

By the way, one of my very favorites is one where a man and a dog, both in trenchcoats, are walking along the sidewalk. The dog is saying "He rubbed my belly - I told him everything!"

Roger,
Friends and I have spent many an evening playing this:

http://www.amazon.com/New-Yorker-Cartoon-Caption-Game/dp/B000MPNK5K

It is well worth the money spent- I had no idea my friends were so funny. It brings up a good question: If given the opportunity to play with anyone- authors/comedians/other famed personalities, who would you play this game with?

Ebert: This is encouraging:

"Don't worry about not being funny; in a game like this, even the bad captions are part of the fun."

Caption eight:

He's having one of those Cartesian arguments.

Hemingway's short story is actually:

For sale: baby shoes, never worn.

#1: "Can I just say, I loved that 'Under the Sea' number you had."

#2: "I believe they've joined the union."

#3: "Oh, believe me, miss, you're in the wrong bar."

#4: "Can I pay you in cigarettes?"

#5: "I must say, the talk shows in Detroit are much different."

#6: "I still think they'd have let you use the carpool lane if he was in the passenger seat."

#7: "I believe they'll start life as cherubs."

#8: "He wants to talk to you about a truce on the War in Heaven."

"This is Fiedler, on the roof."

CARTOON NUMBER EIGHT
"You can't see him unless you truly believe he's there."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/jul/14/barackobama.uselections20082?gusrc=rss&feed=media

QUOTE: To accuse the New Yorker of pandering to elitist tastes is like attacking Wimbledon for encouraging tennis. - Richard Adams

Guardian: The New Yorker is famous for its cryptic cartoons, which require at least two decades of residence in New York City plus a diploma in Woody Allen Studies before a reader can stroke his or her chin and think "Ah, I see why that's funny."

Satire involves taking a portion of reality and stretching it to an absurd conclusion. But since there is nothing faintly real about the depiction of Obama as a Muslim and/or a terrorist, what we are left with is just a reflection of the absurd rumours themselves. (end)

What is absurdity? Is it a sign of neglected development if you've never developed a taste for the humor of the absurd?

In many of the New Yorker cartoons used for the caption contest, the absurd element is hidden and elusive. It takes a determined humorist to find it.

New Yorkers feel trapped by their cubicles. One enterprising New Yorker moves his desk to the roof, where he enjoys the ultimate in cubicleness.

Does the space around us define us? No, in modern society, the size of our bank account defines us.

In order to win the contest, I think you need a clear understanding of "absurdity." Are the Obamas appropriate targets? I wouldn't think so, because they're so much better than the Bush family, in almost every important way.

So, you've got to find a subject worthy of satire. A man losing everything except his shoes after a divorce, for example. Divorce causes pain, so divorce is always an appropriate subject for satire.

Right now, in California, there's a wonderful subject that deserves some satire. Our school classrooms are filled beyond capacity, and Governor Arnold has gone back on a campaign promise never to balance the state budget by cutting back on education.

Reply to: The traditional New Yorker cartoons have frequently keyed current news topics or vernacular speech, but many of their contest winners seem generic, as if their contest screeners don't follow the news or don't get topical references.

OK, let's try this test. Each entry (caption) tries to satarize a topic. Is the topic worth the effort? Is it a fair target? Does it make us feel noble for skewering it?

CARTOON NUMBER EIGHT
"Oprah has Dr. Phil and we have you. I wouldn't call that a conspiracy."

Is the possibility that Dr. Phil is the evil doppelganger of Oprah enough of a target to be worth satire? Yes, because Oprah has an enormous amount of power and doesn't have to answer to a system of checks and balances. When she makes campaign contributions, she can do it in secret.

CARTOON NUMBER EIGHT
"If Sarah Palin wants to be President, she still has to make a deal with you. Or, Oprah."

I guess what I'm saying is... find a target that needs skewering. Leave the lame ducks alone.

I guess I missed my opportunity to put one in for the devil scene.

"Can we change the rules a little? I just feel like I'm doing all the work."

Tom Dark

"It is difficult to convince a man of the truth whose job depends on not knowing it."

I don't see that as a joke. Allow me to explain starting with the proverb, or saying--or whatever--: "The truth hurts."

There are some people who SHOULDN'T be helped. It may scare the lifeforce out of some. That's no joke.

Entered #201 with this one:

'Yeah, can you send up a clean chair? Looks like that hawk paid me another visit.'

Jeff Daugherty,

"And you are....?"

I forgot what the line was, but I did a joke on that already. Here it is (it's not exactly concise):

"Saturday Night Live is over, David Spade. Give that sketch a rest. I thought you worked for me. Can god do that?"

Tom Dark,

When Robert Crumb was talking about if he doesn't draw he gets suicidal, he was saying that while in public giving the interview, which means that he pretty much draws 24 hours a day.

Cartoon Number Six

"This is false advertising: "Wise Guys Supply and Convenient Store" doesn't dispose of the bodies.

How about: "Well Satan, how do you feel about signing your name to 'The Exorcist: the video game?'"

If it helps, www.radosh.net does their own New Yorker cartoon caption contest, with the intent of posting the worst, unfunny, and obvious caption you can think of, which incidentally seems to be funnier.

Cartoon Number One

"Have a seat; take anything you want!"

"Damn global-warming affirmative action."

"One day soon, I will come for you. And then the game will
begin. Could be in the middle of the night ... could be when you least expect it."

"Ebert: Don't feel bad. You won't get a royalty check, either."

Sounds like that hilarious Orbitz commercial, where the hovercraft pilot informs one of the mopes on the golf course that he won't be getting a check...because he didn't book with Orbitz.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uitu0CLyIA

Proposed caption for cartoon #8: "As per our written agreement, Mr. Applegate, Yaweh assumes control of the Yankees for the next century while you, in exchange, get the Cubs, a private chalet at St. Moritz and central air conditioning in Hell."

Here's a go:
1) Yet you haven't even clawed your way out of the mailroom, and frankly you've had every opportunity.

2) I'm always a little freaked out by these control groups.

3) So my wife says, "Jerry, I think you're wearing my belt!" Oh boy, that could've been embarrasing.

4) But anyway, I could go on for years about MY problems.

5) [There's a "But what I really want to do is direct" joke in here, but I can't find it.]

6) My coffee! Oh, silly me, here it is.

7) Cheer up. It's the guys below who have to lay 'em.

8) No Sir, not Prada. It looks more like a red Snuggie.

Yes, he can go in a bucket, but no, he cannot enjoy the ride.

We're all going to die from global warming, so I don't see why cartoon captions actually matter.

Ebert: That could be a cartoon caption right there.

"You can either take a seat or go to Hell. Makes no difference to me."

1. You know, while sawing, Chet Day ought meditate that it's spelled "stupefyingly." Tit for tat for prissiness about the not so funny attempts here. I myself have failed to be funny enough, despite my qualification as a prolific closet poet.

2. S.M. Rana's reply to Ed Fugg is also funny.

3. Vikas Sharma's observation is astute, and it is why we need query the New Yorker for ties with the Trilateral commission.

4. James Moriarty is a genius -- we might stave these perceptive Indians off yet! Twain said a writer could live on a compliment for three days; in addition, it's all I need to maintain hope for establishing a Quark religious movement.

5. Ryan of Tucson must go to Shot-in-the-Dark Cafe and greet all the starving artists for me, especially Kirk the Sculptor. Kirk is the only one there whose starvation is undeserved.

6. Keith, once upon a time Sriram's quip wouldn't have been funny to me either. When 900 years old you get to be, that all Truths are funny will you see.

7. I have an uncle-in-law who draws all the time, even in public. I thought it was to assuage himself of the conversation.

8. Bang bang! The Aardvark is back! Where that paleface Roger Ebert?

Shoot. I missed the devil caption contest. Below is my entry for the current contest ("rooftop office"). Here's hoping an Ebert contributer becomes a finalist.

"Miss Simmons, if you would be so kind... it's the black hat with the grey trim my wife gave me, last seen near the south-west side of the building heading east."

I just choose to aim lower. I regularly enter the Top Ten Contest on Letterman's Late Show site. You have more chances to win, because there are 10 winners every week. I have been picked three times.

It looks like I'm too late for the God/Satan one, which is a shame because I was just about to submit the following:

"I'm here to discuss my slip-and-fall case."

". . . and you tell him, if he let's Bay get the rights to "Paradise Lost," I'm outta here!!!"

Going with your theory that the funniest caption shouldn't win, here are a few half-laughs with a side of lemon:

"What do you mean, you forgot the potato salad?"

"So... Anything out of the ordinary today?"

"...And He will supply all my needs, according to His riches in glory. But good luck getting a 401(k)."

"'Sup, dawg?"

"Seriously, Satan. What did you do with our desk supplies?"

Guy on roof cartoon: "...and so I told him, 'Give me a corner office on the top floor, or I'm quitting."

Yes, I could tell you why he wants to see you,but then I would have to kill myself.

Just for kicks, captions for the other eight:

1. "I don't mean to keep harping on this, but couldn't you have at least ASKED somebody for sunscreen?"
2. "Call me crazy, but weren't there only two yesterday?"
3. "It just seemed like the next best thing to actually bringing my daughter to work."
4. "Is there any way I could I get that to-go?"
5. "Trust me, I've been on Conan's show, and this one is much classier. Frankly, I think they should make him wear your jumpsuit."
6. "Interesting. Let's try it at 80 mph."
7. "Yep...mine's moving again."
8. "What do you mean 'shocked'? How did you think He would react?"

Yes, we turned a profit.
We don't have much overhead.

I bet someone else posted this above me. But, I need to do my work so I will have a roof over my head...so... no time to check

For the rooftop office:
"And you can tell Mr. Hertzberg I'm not coming down until Ebert fans quit bombarding me with bad captions!"

Roger,

Is the title of this article a reference to Chris Cooper's line in Adaptation?

"I'm familiar with the New Yorker. The New Yorker, yes, the New Yorker."

Ebert: More of a play on the magazine's longtime advertising slogan.

"Is He expecting you?"

#8 - Soon as Webster gets here, show them both in.

And for 201:

Yeah. With everything. But no anchovies.

I enjoy the New Yorker, I really do. But their cartoons in the last few years aren't even funny on an ironic level. They're terrible. Don't even get me started on some of the fiction choices. It's mostly going down the drain like everything else in the publishing world.

I've yet to see one of the finalists, let alone a winner, that was funny or even very pertinent to the cartoon. You are right on.

Bleurghman

"We're all going to die from global warming, so I don't see why cartoon captions actually matter."

Wrong. What we can do now is regulate coal-using industrial faciliies, (which the U.S. excels in ahead of the rest of world), meaning: fabric filters, desulfurization techniques and advanced combustion w/catalytic conversion, with diplomatic effort and aid to other countries--particularly China and India--, if necessary, to adopt the same standards. Later implementing a more advanced type of clean coal technology (IGCC). Zero emissions electricity: hyroelectric which could possibly supply 14% of electricity worldwide; Solar probably too expensive; wind another small player, but could be used for agricultural and also electicity source for third world; but nuclear power (fission) is the way to go, but only for well-organized countries, because of the skill, cost and because they could, from the enrichment and processing facilities--not the power stations themselves---be used to make weapons. Then double or triple funding for nuclear fusion which could make methanol (I'll get to that in a minute) from high carbod dioxide emission sources, (which are causing most of the global warming now), or even directly from the atmosphere. It could also turn any kind of rock, scrap into useful materials, which eliminate any possibility of resource exhaustion. But back to methanol: the world could drive alcohol/gas cars (80%ethanol, or 50% methanol--both have no pollution), called Flex-fueled vehicles. The way to do that is for America to require all new cars sold be flex-fueled, which is on Obama's list of things to do. This will make alcohol cars the international standard, because they aren't going to walk away from a customer as big as the U.S., at only 100$ additional in cost. This will mean third world countries will be able to use their tropical lands to make alcohol fuels and sell it, and put some money into their treasuries--and plants cool the planet. This also means that we could stop subsidizing corn, which makes our food very unhealthy.

"I'm afraid He can't help you. He had no control over what His son did down there either."

Aw, man. I just HAD to go and read this article. Now I've signed up at the New Yorker site and I've uploaded my first caption. And I'm anxiously awaiting the next cartoon. Thanks a LOT, Ebert.

"He's resting now. He'll see you on the eighth day."

Roger, it's not about whether you win or lose, it's all about the game. In this case the caption game: waiting for the new issue, checking for the winner, checking over the new contest, composing and submitting for the new contest, and most of all Hoping :)

#8 It's about your deal with the Jonas Brothers.

#1 It was this big!
#2 Their theory of the human beast is offensive. Get the cat.
#2 The bastard on the left just won a Nobel Prize.
#2 Give them lab coats and they think they know everything.
#3 Be a darling and come back when I'm drunk.
#4 Can't a guy get a seat around here?
#4 Screw the drink, get me a woman!
#4 What do you mean you don't open 'til 5?
#5 I always feel so trapped.
#6 Cops? Act normal.
#7 Makes you wish there were female angels.
#7 What does He want with giant crocodiles anyway?

Moral: Don't try to be funny abroad.

Ebert: Dear A. Broad: Thanks!

#201

It makes me think of Monty Python: "And now for something completely different..."

How about:
Yes, boss. I'm on top of it.

Keith Carrizosa wrote on July 21, 2009 2:17 PM - "I don't know if I should say this, but--well, here it goes: I guess it wouldn't have been misogynistic if they were in 69 and the girl had a dripping sprite can in her crotch."

Let me answer that this way...

There's a Canadian documentary series called "KINK" which first aired in 2001 on Showcase. The series profiles some of the more unusual edges of human sexuality, primarily the kink and fetish scenes. It's filmed in Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver and Winnipeg; the 5th season was set in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Side note: the Director's is a guy named Dennis Heaton. Back in the day, I worked with Dennis over at International Rocketship on a variety of animated projects.

I was channel surfing one day and stumbled upon the series. When I saw his name, out of curiosity I decided to watch. It proved to be exactly what it claimed to be, no more no less. And because it wasn't presented in a sensationalized manner (ie: it's not porn) I found it interesting albeit in an emotionally detached sort of way, as I'm not personally into the subject - but to each his own; which is also my attitude when it comes to sex in general.

Ie: as long as it's consensual sex, live and let live is my motto. So I'm not a prude or anything.

That said, when it comes to sex and what men and women want to see, I think a demand for this or that, is the truest measuring stick or means of determining "who likes what". And generally speaking, as far as I know, women aren't looking for the "money shot" regardless of the genitals involved. And exceptions noted as I'm sure you could find one (the world's a big place) I consequently think it would be fair to say that your "69 scenario" for a soda commercial would be a guy's idea.

And still an example of sex selling from a heterosexual male point of view and thus yet again, the assertion of the status quo, and who controls sex and by extension, the socio-political dominance of one gender over another.

Note: just because you agree to work for someone and shoot a commercial, doesn't mean you agreed with it. It's called paying the rent. In the same way many blacks "paid the rent" when they knowingly took jobs working for racists, back in the day. And as was the case then with how whites saw blacks, I think a lot of men believe that if a woman agrees to do something, it's because she secretly likes it.

And for the record: "Eeewww."

The worst is when there is actually a terrific finalist that they pass over: most damningly the cartoon depicting a guy sitting in his apartment as his probably-wife stormed out the door carrying a suitcase. The apartment was full of goats - goats on the furniture, goats climbing the curtains, a goat on the man's lap. It was heavily implied the wife was leaving because of the goat situation. The winning caption was "Come sweater season, you'll thank me", which, okay, but one of the passed-over finalists was the funniest thing I've ever seen in the caption contest: "Can you bring me back a goat?"

Ebert: You're right about that one.

Marie Haws,

Forget that part about what I said about suicide in the last comment. What I meant was they'll try to go get some dream girl.

(1) My apology,I just assumed Maine
(2) Now agin, which one's Ed and which one's Ralph?
(3) No, why do you ask?
(4) License plates
(5) And I said, 'Reg what could go wrong?'
(6) No, did you hear something?
(7) Angelina Jolie, how about yours?
(8) Im sorry, Mr. Cheney was available and ...

My two best ones are taken already. To hell with the whole thing!

Roger,
I feel better now, hearing that you too have been entering the New Yorker cartoon contest and never winning. Hmmm....I guess I am almost at the end of trying.

The other reality about that contest, for me, is that when I read the winning caption I almost always agree that it is, indeed, a winning entry.

Bonnie H.

I'm sorry. He's much too Radiant to see you today.
or
...and then I said "Hell no! You don't get sprinkles."

"Next time, don't use the rabbit no matter how it answers."

I just wanna queue up here on your blog so I can get my shiny new DIME! I've also been entering the New Yorker cartoon caption contest for what seems like forever without winning, didn't know that I had such illustrious company. But I have very high hopes for my entry in the current contest #201. The entry came to me in a flash of brilliance, unlike those I have to struggle over to make sure they're not too esoteric for the judges. Maybe this time is the charm.

BTW, my all time favorite New Yorker cartoon shows an elderly gentleman angel sporting white gown, wings, halo and glasses who is standing with arms outstretched on a fluffy white cloud under a radiant sun as he says, "Ah! What a glorious day to be dead!". (Wish I could make out the signature to give proper credit.)

Kind of off-topic, well, maybe not, as we've been talking about Indians here and I also quoted my buddy Sriram and Keith took it very seriously.

Well? Muh boy Sriram just got longlisted for the Man Booker prize! Yeee-ha! Next step, the shortlist. Gotta tell people.

Ebert: That is seriously good news.

#201
It's lonely at the top, but on the plus side I can see my car.

Marie Haws,

Well, I did say the commercial was dumb. I was being ironical about the 69 scenario, by the way, or satirical etc.

Back to what you said earlier:

"Misogyny isn't anything new. What's changed is the extent to which young women are now foolishly undermining their own cause, and for failing to see the bigger picture. Here's a good example of what you get when women buy into a male definition of "female self-empowerment" as marketed to them over the past 20 years..."

So, these women who are lesbian porn entrepreneurs (not ex-porn stars necessarily) or who choose to see what they do as an opportunity for power--or maybe even taking away the power--such as screamqueens who dress up in skimpy outfits, but are otherwise positive role models (and write books, perhaps get their pictures taken by Helmut Newton, see themselves as modern, and thus nude Marilyn Monroes etc.) and see themselves as inspiring the American dream or human dreams, such as finding love, by posing in these photos in a kind statuesque, powerful symbol that transcends the male-female dichotomy of the business, view it as power.

Marie Haws,

"And still an example of sex selling from a heterosexual male point of view and thus yet again, the assertion of the status quo, and who controls sex and by extension, the socio-political dominance of one gender over another."

I'm not sure what you mean by this, particularly the last part, which is an important concept.

Roger,

Cracked Magazine online has a daily "caption" feature for silly photographs that I have tried for months to win. Fellow readers do the voting, but you have to submit your entry almost immediately after they are posted (every day at 2:00 pm). You get nothing for winning, other the indelible respect of other caption submitters.

If you want to try something addicting, go to www.cracked.com/craptions and see what I mean.

My submission for Cartoon #8:

"It's Job, with a long O, not job. We're still not hiring ..."

Ebert: You are a skilled URL Detective.

When I said I don't like that, I meant that books, newspapers--all the usual suspects--are the places to go. They are the real detectives.

aagh, Sorry, Roger, I posted my thing about Karri Sriram, got an error message, so posted again. Well maybe it's worth posting twice. But I meant Sriram got longlisted for the Man Asian Booker Prize. (I thought the "A" in MAN stood for "Asian" already)

Well, heck, maybe you'll review the movie someday. I called dibs on playing old Vidyasagar, but maybe I'm too white looking. Okay, I'll be a drunken British Extra or something. Wait, there aren't any in the story. What a great story, though. Do you know what the Indians are doing that Americans aren't? Heck, Sriram knows more about Thomas Jefferson than any American selected off a busy sidewalk.

Anyway: Marie, I sure get what you're saying and you're right. Plus there's the saying "Women read the words, men look at the pictures."

Entered for #201: "Yes, I need to order another chair."

Feels sufficiently cryptic, and a comment on what's not in the drawing.

Oh, and FWIW, reviewing your submissions above, your strongest are "hands-on" and "from the bottom" from #1 and "Madoff" and "drinking problem" from #4. "Price of regular" from #6 does what you meant to do there most effectively. For #2, the winning caption is fantastic, if I can say so without sounding rude, none of yours are close. General impression: you're trying too hard, but then I can't even begin to claim to have a handle on the sensibilities of the NYer caption judges.

I always start reading from the back, and like you, I have also submitted many captions to the contest, but never been a finalist. Usually, though, I like the winning captions, which tend to be deceptively simple. My favorite was the heavenly skid row with the two bums and the cop car. The winner was, "Only here, it's always good cop, good cop." Mine was overthought, something about swilling Chateau-Lafite. By the way, once you're logged in, there's a "see your captions" tab with all of your previous submissions, and if you click on a particular square, there's a list at the bottom with everyone else's ideas. Most are terrible, a lot are the same, but some are definitely on par with the winner.

But you shouldn't feel too bad. Apparently, David Mamet sent Robert Mankoff a note saying, "Congratulations on becoming the Cartoon Editor of the New Yorker. I have taken the liberty of sending you some cartoons." Mankoff's response read, "Thanks very much; I've taken the liberty of sending you a play."

Mankoff talked about his cartoon criteria in an interview with Terry Gross on "Fresh Air": http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4122200

"Is it communicating some idea through the medium of humor? Is it demonstrating not just funniness, but thinking? Is it making some point? We do some cartoons that are just silly and just funny, but overall, I think the enduring nature of the New Yorker cartoons is that they strike a chord in someone, and people remember them because they make some sort of point."

Also, Matthew Diffee also did an interview about his book "The Rejection Collection," for cartoons that didn't make it into the magazine because they were too lowbrow or edgy. It includes a discussion about the caption contest, which uses cartoons that don't make the cut for the magazine. Sometimes, the contest winner has the same idea as the original! http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16321569

My submission for #3 was: "I was going to go with a slingback, but was afraid it sent the wrong message." OK, but maybe too wordy.

My initial idea for #201: "Well, the posting said: Great opportunity. The sky's the limit." Then I looked again, and submitted, "Guess what, honey? I finally got the corner office!" Unfortunately, that seems to be a popular idea, so I guess I shoulda gone with the first one. Maybe something like, "Yeah, you gotta be careful what you wish for" would be more subtle.

My faves so far belong to John B, Gwen Axelrod, Jim Penny, Damian, Neil Winters, and Jeremy Wells. "I'm sorry, Cleanliness is next door" wins the prize for originality. Great stuff!

Ebert: Mamet has published a book of cartoons, Tested on Orphans.

And check these out:

http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2009/07/the_light_in_the_tunnel.html

"This is false advertising: "Wise Guys Supply and Convenience Store" doesn't dispose of the bodies."

I kind of want to go back and explain some of mine, but I really liked this one and wanted to explain it. The convenience store part (I meant to put convenience store originally) is because the guy in the front seat is drinking a squishee (?) or slurpy. The joke is that the guy on top of the car is not real (or maybe, if you like) and that they supply tools for wiseguys and are advertising on their car--a car advertisement (imagine there's a sign on the side of the car that says "Wiseguys Supply and Convenience Store"). So, inside the store they DO sell rope, fresh bucket of wet cement (hence the guy on top of the car) and other things with a spin on the hardware store with all of these ginny slang (I'm a little above my head here), but whatever they use to cut off fingers and toes could be called "the interrogator" or "The talk-maker", etc and the joke is that they sell all your murdering needs with mafia-slang--but really do sell them to the mafia, which no one knows thinks to take seriously--but the way they advertised it is false because they actually don't get rid of the bodies, which I'd imagine would be a running gag in their store: "Put that body back in your trunk, ya moron--get it outta my store!...Yes, we can sell you "rat-pourri" to get rid of the smell."

Feel free to give a gag name to any mafia tools.

Mankoff: "Is it communicating some idea through the medium of humor?

Is it demonstrating thinking?

Is it making some point?

I think the enduring nature is that they strike a chord in someone, and people remember them because they make some sort of point." (end)

Very instructive. Of course, the final 3 captions are voted on by readers who may or may not share this philosophy. So, winning the contest has a random element.

but coming up with the best caption.... might involve going down a checklist.

Is there an element of absurdity? Does it exaggerate in order to reveal that a position is absurd?

Does it reveal frustration over a lack of power? An inability to change things and make the world a better place?

The phrase "liberal elitism" .... means that people with money and liberal views want to change the world before they die. They don't need to make a fortune or earn a college degree. In fact, they may have started their own college, like Harvard. what they want to do is change the world... and they can't. And they're frustrated.

Why did the office worker move his desk to the roof? Because he was frustrated by cubicles? I hope the winning caption will reflect that frustration and how braving winter weather, sunburn and pigeon sauce was a small price to pay for humming The Monkees...

"Sugar... Sugar, Sugar... Like the summer sunshine pour your sweetness over me..."

Marie Haws,

I asked a question about what you meant by "socio-political dominance of gender over another", and you need not repeat yourself, because you pretty much answered it in the other blog "Bless me father for I have sinned." (quoted below.) But I was still wondering what you thought about my comment on July 24, 2009 4:29 PM. Those examples I mentioned were women who view themselves as either in power or maybe taking away from the male-femal dichotomy of the business. They can either be in charge (lesbo porn entrepreneurs) or feel that what they are doing is transcending it (scream queens seeing themselves as movie stars, writing books, otherwise positive role models, mainly that classic movie star quality--they think they are portraying at least).

"When power is shared 50/50 and on a global scale and involving all aspects of life - then, and only then will we, the entire human race, know what can't be changed about us.

Until then, to the extent the world looks the way it does, is a reflection of who's been primarily in charge of it for the past 2,000 years and making most of the decisions.

It hasn't been women."

"We don't hire big lobsters."

Lobster cartoon:

"We're all out of jobs. Scram."

I quit entering after I was ignored for what I still believe is the top entry for that particular contest.

The panel: A pair of giant, Godzilla-like monsters are devouring a large city and everything in it; one of them is speaking to the other.

My caption: "Tastes like city chicken."

Where did I go wrong??

Ebert: My entry for the same contest:

"I give you class, you give me sex appeal."

Variation on the Katharine Hepburn line about Astaire and Rogers.

Keith Carrizosa wrote on July 24, 2009 4:31 PM - "And still an example of sex selling from a heterosexual male point of view and thus yet again, the assertion of the status quo, and who controls sex and by extension, the socio-political dominance of one gender over another." - Marie

"I'm not sure what you mean by this, particularly the last part, which is an important concept." - Keith

Just because I'm not Gay, doesn't mean I also think I'm the only one having to contend with stuff. Gays have their issues too. And so I made note of the "sexual preference" of those predominately in power, not just the fact they're male; as it all serves to account for why you see what you do in commercials and print ads, so too, on TV and at the movies. And society is what it eats.

Ie: the world is basically run by a bunch of straight white guys.

And women today are being increasingly rewarded when they give the market what it wants - and it wants to see female sexuality and nudity from a man's point of view.

This explains why a beautiful woman can earn more in one month (pick your medium: TV, Film, Music, Magazines) than a school teacher does in a year. And only because men value a sexual image of a woman, more so than any other other. Always have; museums are filled with the proof of that.

What this has now led to however:

Young women are increasingly enabling the male gaze and not their own, when they openly embrace their sexuality and strive for self-empowerment in the wake of Feminism. Britney Spears had a career because of it. You might be embracing your "girl power" but if it walks and talks like a hooker or a slut from his point of view, the empowerment becomes a moot point for failing to seen as such.

And men support it only because it means they get to see some T&A.

While a woman is still only making more money than a teacher because she showed some skin.

That's what I was trying to say, about that fake commercial. It's an example of that.

Keith Carrizosa wrote on July 25, 2009 5:13 PM - "But I was still wondering what you thought about my comment on July 24, 2009 4:29 PM. Those examples I mentioned were women who view themselves as either in power or maybe taking away from the male-female dichotomy of the business."

You wrote this:

"So, these women who are lesbian porn entrepreneurs (not ex-porn stars necessarily) or who choose to see what they do as an opportunity for power--or maybe even taking away the power--such as screamqueens who dress up in skimpy outfits, but are otherwise positive role models (and write books, perhaps get their pictures taken by Helmut Newton, see themselves as modern, and thus nude Marilyn Monroes etc.) and see themselves as inspiring the American dream or human dreams, such as finding love, by posing in these photos in a kind statuesque, powerful symbol that transcends the male-female dichotomy of the business, view it as power."

As for what I thought... I had to read that many times to understand it and I'm still not sure I do! But here goes..

Helmut Newton was a German photographer born in 1920 who saw the decadence of Berlin in the 30's first hand - which was legendary for its liberal and subversive tastes; S&M and fetish. It left a lasting impression upon him, as did the night photography of Brassai, whom Helmut knew.

Newton considered himself to be a feminist who celebrated triumphant, strong women. He didn't see his work as degrading and objectifying or pushing fashion to the edge of pornography. And those who posed for him, mostly saw his work as challenging and provocative art for daring to explore the forbidden.

Me? I find his stuff cold and calculating and off-putting. Like vulgar Paparazzi shots. Devoid of tenderness. Newton saw sex as power, and power as sex. I dare say that's how a lot of men see it, too. I've never been a fan, while appreciating that others see things differently. For them, it wasn't objectifying. Either that, or he was famous - posing was a good career move. He's dead now by the way.

And so if you've been looking at Helmut Newton's work and wondering about the women in his photos, they represent themselves first and foremost. Then the like-minded, while not being typical of the majority; he appealed to men far more so than women.

Now here's his influence, whom I adore - Brassai:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dk7E62449s

And another fav, Henri Cartier-Bresson (music Edith Piaf):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dk7E62449s

That's the best answer I can give.

Marie Haws,

Funny...I just finished watching "Blow-Up" and reading Roger's Great Movie review http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19981108/REVIEWS08/401010304/1023, and here's what it says as the last sentence:

"Much was made of the nudity in 1967, but the photographer's cruelty toward his models was not commented on; today, the sex seems tame, and what makes the audience gasp is the hero's contempt for women."

I went to the an entry a few months back on eroticism in cinema ("Don't move...I want to move...Don't move") to read some of what you said there, and I read there that you are keen on English eroticism. This reminded me of something director Mike Figgis said about how repressed the English are and how that is actually better because the embrace is more explosive (couldn't find the interview). I recommend googling: Mike Figgis interview erotic. I'll link a few up here (trust me on this):

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2004/jan/30/1

Here's a quote from the above link:

"Nagisa Oshima's Ai No Corrida is the same: it has a weight of tragedy running through it. With both of those films you cannot separate the eroticism from the narrative and turn it into a commodity."

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2003/oct/26/features.review2

"he has no problem shooting men as love objects - look at how beautiful he makes Downey and Wesley Snipes in One Night Stand. 'It's really about the way light falls on people's faces,' he says. 'And it doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman.'"

This one goes back to what you were saying with the sprite commercial. http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/film-los-angeles-is-full-of-big-men-whove-lost-their-balls-1296661.html:

"But the bloodiest front in Figgis's aesthetic war with Hollywood can be glimpsed in the chasm between the One Night Stand Joe Eszterhas wrote, and the one the director filmed.

When Figgis runs the original screenplay through his mind, he sounds almost numb. "From about page 5 to about page 50 was the one-night stand. He had a phonecall with his children while she was having oral sex with him. I found that deeply disturbing, because it was realistic. Hollywood sexually is a very cold place. I think there are lots of psychological reasons why the blow-job is the favoured sexual practice. It's got a lot to do with power."

also:
"I have a problem with, as film-makers, our voyeuristic tendencies," he says seriously. "You have to be incredibly careful, and sensitive to the potential for abuse. I have an ongoing dialogue with female friends, and male friends. It's delicate, it's fascinating, it's potentially a minefield. One hopes that one's honourable. Women are very comfortable with their own eroticism. What they have a problem with is when that eroticism is isolated and used objectively, when its context is stripped away."

There's more out there, but this should be okay for now. The web is too big of a place.

dear vikas sharma,

when were you a finalist? perhaps it was too close to 9/11 for a bomb and customs reference, in which case i would be surprised it even got that far.

for 201:

"It must be on your end. I don't hear anything."

Marie Haws,

"As for what I thought... I had to read that many times to understand it and I'm still not sure I do! But here goes.."

Yeah, you understood right. What I was doing was giving two examples of power. The first was in the literal sense, which was the lesbian porn entrepreneur who, say, owns a business hiring only women at the offices etc. and on the sets of the strictly lesbian porn business. So, there's that, and then there's the ones making a living as a pinup girl etc. and get their pictures taken and exude strength, which can inspire men and women alike. They may be failing because like you said,"...but if it walks and talks like a hooker or a slut from his point of view, the empowerment becomes a moot point for failing to seen as such." But what do you think of Marilyn Monroe, the sexiest women in cinema? She had problems with people seeing her only as an object, but didn't she transcend it with her strength etc.?

Keith wrote - "Women are very comfortable with their own eroticism. What they have a problem with is when that eroticism is isolated and used objectively, when its context is stripped away." - Mike Figgis

That pretty much sums it up, and not bad for a guy from Newcastle. :)

Love and sex may not be the same thing, but they nevertheless both involve human beings, eh?

You mentioned English eroticism. I assume you meant all those films adapted from novels? If so, then yes; that's more my personal cup of tea. Reason being?

You know how they say the book is always better than the movie? Well I feel the same way about explicit sex scenes. Just because you (aka: the filmmaker) liked it, doesn't mean others will.

And so if you allow me to paint pictures for myself, it's more like reading a book wherein you get to custom tailor things more to your liking. Everything I need is there, all the art supplies are on the screen - and I get to make what I want. So too, does everyone else moreover.

I find that very inclusive, but in a way that also celebrates the individual. As collectively, the audience gets to enjoy the film together and so too, the separate experience of whatever is going on inside your own head. And while I don't think women "own that" experience I definitely think we tend to prefer it.

At any rate, I'm visually minded - not literally minded, you know? So what I want to see are crayons. That said, here's some the BEST porn I have ever seen... smile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09Fd64V3U10

Ebert: Wow. I could smell that right through the screen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09Fd64V3U10

That's right out of Vonnegut's BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS. Remember his Kilgore Trout story of what porno was on another planet?

rogie,

have you considered, or has it been suggested, that YOU (yes, you) pick YOUR three favorites from caption submissions, and then WE (not you) vote for our winner?

yes, it'd be a helluva lot of work, for which you may be too busy. also, the votes should not be posted here, just the one getting the most votes (but not necessarily the best nor funniest).

Ebert: Let's make it even more democratic.

Readers: Send your SINGLE favorite caption for contest #200 (Satan at God's office) to me at answerman@gmail.com.

Do not submit a caption of your own.

Be sure to identify the author of the submitted caption. No "anonymous" captions allowed.

I will post your finalists, and there will be a final voting round.

Winner gets a shiny new dime, and fame and glory.

I've just voted for my favorite caption for the devil/god cartoon.

And what do you know, it wasn't as easy to do as I thought it would be. Suddenly none of them that I'd chuckled at seemed funny (not even mine, and I wish I'd written "Walter Cronkite talks too much," impish as I am).

Maybe that's what happens to the New Yorker judges. Let's find out.

Ebert wrote: Wow. I could smell that right through the screen.

But wait, it gets even BETTER! Smell this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AOSuKWJEPI&feature=related

And then imagine that smell, combined with the other one. :)

We need some wine now.

Keith wrote:

"What I was doing was giving two examples of power. The first was in the literal sense, which was the lesbian porn entrepreneur who, say, owns a business hiring only women at the offices etc. and on the sets of the strictly lesbian porn business."

But it's not about power. Not in that case. It's simply about wanting to create a supportive work environment - like a gym for women only, where all the instructors are female. It's more comfortable for women to hire and work with other women, when what they're doing is creatin