I'm currently sitting in a shuttle bus at Roosevelt and Wabash that will take me to the health + fitness expo at McCormick place to pick up my bib. I have a little less than 48 hours until the marathon. I'm feeling nervous. Extremely nervous.
I'm going into this marathon with an injury - and it hurts. That means my final weeks of preparation were a motley 'mash-up' of walking, hobbling, jogging, yoga, stretching, leg exercises. I didn't end my training as I began it - which was by-the-book and regimented. I ended it doing what I could when I could.
The past 7 days, I have internally beaten myself up about the running pace of this marathon - why can't I be at a 9 mile pace? Will I finish in the 6 hours and 30 minutes it takes to get my name on the books? My negative internal dialogue has become extreme...
"Why did I sign up for this?"
"Why did I think I could do this?"
"Am I that much of an idiot?"
"Why, why, why?"
And then a breakthrough.
I asked myself 'why did I sign up for this?" Without emotion, without beating myself up. 'Why?'
The answer is simple - 'Because I want to know me.'
Can you learn about yourself by watching a tv program? A movie? Reading a book? You learn "theories" "facts" "ideas." But what is that information until put into practice?
Do you know your body until you know that your calves start to cramp at mile 16? Do you know your ability to push? Do you know how far you could travel if you had to abandon your home? A lot of us know what the average human can do. We learn about it on the Discovery Channel. We read about it in school. There's a human heart we can travel in the Museum of Science and Industry.
But, do you know what YOU can do?
I will not be racing on Sunday. I will be journeying. I will be doing some sort of movement over 26.2 miles in Chicago. I plan on finishing. I plan on learning about a subject that has no book written about it.
I plan on LEARNING me.
Thank you for the OVERWHELMING support from co-workers, friends, lovers and family.
If you'd still like to donate, you can do so until 11/1/11 at: http://www.active.com/donate/girlsinthegame2011/jenmosley