By CHRISTY LEMIRE and JAKE COYLE
It was a cataclysmic collision of notable names. On Thursday, both the Golden Globe nominations and the Mitchell Report of baseball players suspected of steroid use were announced.
One list, you want to be on — the other, not so much.
Certainly there must be parallels ... right? Here’s a look at how they match up. Or don’t. ...
THE USUAL SUSPECTS. Bonds, Canseco and Giambi. Hanks, Clooney and Denzel.
UP-AND-COMERS. Jack Cust, Larry Bigbie and Nook Logan. Ellen Page (‘‘Juno’’), Nikki Blonsky (‘‘Hairspray’’) and Saoirse Ronan (‘‘Atonement’’).
SNUBS. Inexplicably, suspected juicer Mark McGwire is nowhere to be found in former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell’s findings. Just as surprising, writer-director-producer Judd Apatow barely registered with Golden Globe voters, even though his comedies ‘‘Knocked Up’’ and ‘‘Superbad’’ were huge critical and commercial hits last summer.
THE CLEMENS CONNECTION. One of the biggest names in baseball listed in the Mitchell Report is Roger Clemens, who has vehemently denied the allegations through his lawyer. Sure, he’s one of the most dominant pitchers of our time, if not ever. But long before this mess, Clemens appeared in the 1996 Farrelly brothers’ bowling comedy ‘‘Kingpin’’ as an angry redneck named Skidmark who starts a barroom brawl. Sadly, the performance never earned him a Golden Globe, or any other award for that matter.
YOUNG BONDS. Barry Bonds’ name is all over the Mitchell Report, which comes as no surprise. Baseball’s home run king already is under indictment on charges of lying to a grand jury about steroid use. And the movie ‘‘Rookie of the Year’’ is a glaring reminder of how vastly Bonds has grown in size. Released in 1993 when Bonds was still with the Pittsburgh Pirates, the film features a much-smaller slugger striking out against a kid phenom. (He is credited as one of the ‘‘Three Big Whiffers,’’ alongside Pedro Guerrero and Bobby Bonilla.)
SUSPICIOUS PHYSIQUES. While many have noted the swelled torsos and heads of players like Bonds, others wonder if excessive doses of smokes and Chianti have contributed to the rail-thin frame of ‘‘Atonement’’ star Keira Knightley, nominated for best actress in a drama.
THE YIPS. Former second baseman Chuck Knobloch, named in the report, finished his career with a classic case of the yips. He suddenly was unable to make simple, routine throws to first base. Similarly, rumors have persisted that during the making of five-time nominee ‘‘Charlie Wilson’s War,’’ Julia Roberts found herself suddenly unable flash her trademark smile. Thankfully, her toothy grin was rescued by savage tickling from co-star Philip Seymour Hoffman.
BOOK ADAPTATION. Several scripts based on best-selling books were nominated by the Globes for best screenplay, including Ian McEwan’s ‘‘Atonement,’’ Cormac McCarthy’s ‘‘No Country for Old Men’’ and the French memoir ‘‘The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.’’ Jose Canseco’s 2005 book ‘‘Juiced,’’ to some a bellwether moment in the steroids era, still hasn’t been optioned by Hollywood. (The natural actor to play Canseco: Sylvester Stallone, who was convicted in Australia in May for HGH possession.)
SWITCH HITTERS. Rick Ankiel, one of the best stories from the 2007 baseball season, was named in the report. Ankiel lost his pitching control after a disastrous postseason in 2000, but after toiling in the minors, remade himself as a power-hitting outfielder. Likewise, John Travolta (‘‘Hairspray’’) and Cate Blanchett (‘‘I’m Not There’’) changed positions and were both nominated for their gender-jumping performances. The directors of both films boasted that their switch hitters added flexibility to their lineups.
GONE BABY GONE. Earned Amy Ryan a supporting-actress nomination for her unflinching portrayal of a junkie mom whose daughter disappears. ‘‘Gone Baby Gone’’ would also be a much better home-run call than White Sox announcer Ken ‘‘Hawk’’ Harrelson’s ‘‘You can put it on the board ... yes!’’
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. Forty-nine-year-old Julio Franco is not on the Mitchell list. But Clemens (45), Wally Joyner (45), Lenny Dykstra (44), Bonds (43) and Canseco (43) are. (The movie — which is tremendous, by the way — received four Globe nominations, including best drama.)
APROPOS OF NOTHING:
— Casey Affleck: Nominated for a Golden Globe for best supporting actor as the weasly triggerman in ‘‘The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.’’ In leaner times, though, the Cambridge, Mass., native and lifelong Red Sox fan sold hot dogs and sausages outside Fenway Park.
— Jason Giambi: One of only two players known to cooperate with the Mitchell investigation. And while the Yankees slugger and former AL MVP wasn’t terribly convincing with the vague apologies he issued, he made an amusing cameo as a cab driver in the ESPN miniseries ‘‘The Bronx Is Burning.’’ Which was nominated for ... no Golden Globes.
— Kevin Youkilis: Not named in the steroids report, though he is an enormous dude. However, the Red Sox first baseman did have one line in the 1994 comedy ‘‘Milk Money,’’ which was shot in his hometown of Cincinnati and starred Melanie Griffith as a hooker with a heart of gold.
— Kevin Costner: The frequent on-screen ballplayer did not hear his name called Thursday. ‘‘Mr. Brooks,’’ in which Costner starred as a serial killer who’s egged on by his evil alter ego, wasn’t exactly a hit.
— Mo Vaughn. Yeah, he’s on the list. And while he’s never appeared in a feature film, we know he’s a fan of entertainment, having famously frequented the Foxy Lady gentlemen’s club in Providence, R.I., during his time in Boston.
WHAT’S NEXT. The Golden Globe Awards are scheduled to be handed out on Jan. 13. The steroids investigation will end ... probably not during our lifetimes.